What a rollercoaster ride Aidan and I have been on this past month. When I last wrote, I had made up my mind to be more intentional about meeting my husband’s sexual needs. I discovered that he liked staying in the aroused state that my sensual responses to him caused and didn’t really need sex as often as I had thought.
But his reactions to my new-found forwardness (mild though it was) had the opposite effect on me. I got a flush of pleasure to hear him groan when I trailed kisses down his neck or to see his eyes smolder when I pressed my hips against his when he wrapped me up in a hug. The lack of pressure on me to take it all the way seemed to make me want to; talk about reverse psychology! Not that Aidan had ever pressured me; I simply assumed that his masculine “drive” required satisfaction at certain intervals for him to be happy. And I guess it does, from a physical standpoint.
But I have come to understand that God’s purpose for sex is to bond people together for life—not a one-and-done process, but a continual growth in oneness that mirrors our daily walk with Him. So when Aidan kisses me and I respond in more than a perfunctory way, I take a step toward him physically. When I walk into his arms and let my fingers crawl up under his tee and trail along his waistband, I take an emotional step towards him. When I ask for his wishes during our private times together and don’t get shocked or offended by them, I become a little more unified with him mentally. And when I can fulfill those wishes, I’d have never believed the depth of joining we both experience.
But the path to these discoveries had its ups and downs. A couple of weeks ago, life overwhelmed me a bit and I forgot to be as responsive as I had planned. Aidan sort of withdrew again, and I’m sure it’s because I didn’t give him positive feedback. We’ve talked again, and I’ve asked him to be patient and not give up on me. I remember how good things got when I responded well, and I want more of that.
That first week after my last post, I remembered most of the time to take a breath and let my mind connect to Aidan when he’d kiss or touch me. I’d linger near his mouth for a moment, silently asking for a second kiss, and if it didn’t come, I might whimper a little and take it. He seemed to like that, to enjoy making me take what I wanted—or maybe he just liked that I wanted it. That week, we didn’t make it to Saturday before having sex again. In the wee hours of Thursday morning, I woke from a very sexual dream (I almost never have those) to find my bottom pressed firmly against my husband’s hardness. His hand gripped my hipbone under the hem of my cotton sleepshirt, and his mouth near my ear groaned, “What are you trying to do to me?”
I rubbed my eyes sleepily and muttered, “Huh?”
“Baby, you’ve been rubbing your sexy butt against me for about five minutes and whimpering. Is there something I can do for you?”
I must have blushed, because I felt heat rush up from my chest and down below, too. “I have?”
“Yes. From the sound of it, that must have been one hot dream.”
“I… I don’t remember.” The details of it had escaped me, but I did know I was very turned on at the moment. The feeling of his hardness against me and his firm grip on my hip made me want to grind against him—so I did!
“Oh, hon. That feels so good.” Aidan sighed.
I whimpered and wiggled, wanting him to make his move, but he seemed content to lie there and let me rub against him. Was he going to make me say it?
“Aidan,” I whispered, “please.”
I could hear his amusement when he answered. “What is it, babe. What do you want?”
An idea came to me, but I immediately rejected it. No way could I ask for it… but maybe I could show him. I took hold of the hand still gripping my pelvis and tugged at it, and Aidan let me guide it to my damp panties.
“Oh, Evie, yes.” Aidan’s words were no more than a breath, but I knew I had made him happy. He drew tiny, light circles through the satin with one finger, and I moved my hips to make them land where I wanted them. His lips grazing below my ear added to the tension building inside me.
I wrapped an arm around his head and gripped the back of his neck, letting him feel my need. I wanted so much for him to push my panties aside and touch my skin, or shove them down and enter me, but he wouldn’t change anything. Usually, a simple nudge to let him know to get on top of me would suffice, but I thought he knew I wanted him by now—and had since I woke up. Surely his fingers sensed my wetness. Couldn’t he tell I was ready?
He wants me to take the lead, I realized. He seemed to be waiting for me to guide him, to tell him—with or without words—what to do.
Suddenly, I felt nervous. I know many of you ladies have no problem taking the initiative, but this was new territory for me. I felt like crying; could I even do this? Should I? Why wouldn’t he just take me like he usually did?
Then I remembered the times he’d expressed his need for variety, and how he’d told me last weekend that he needed to feel desired. If I made the first move, would that show him how badly I wanted him right now? I decided to give it a try. Drawing a shuddering breath, I gently took his hand away and sat up. With both hands, I lifted my nightshirt over my head and threw it to the floor, followed by my panties. Then I reached for the front tie on his pajama pants.
Aidan lay back on the pillows with his hands behind his head, the biggest smile on his face. It was still dark, but his face beamed! Clearly, this was what he had been awaiting—his wife taking the initiative and making her move on him. He lifted his hips as I tugged at his pants but otherwise made no move to further the action. Still, his hardness told of his willingness for whatever would come next.
I got his pants off and tossed them aside. Now what? What did he want? I knelt beside him and put my hand on his chest, but he just looked at me with an expectant smile. My fingers trailed down through the hair on his chest and followed the thin line of it to his crotch. There, they lightly brushed across the skin of his shaft, base to tip, and I heard him draw in a sharp breath. I leaned closer and took the time to really look at him down there, noticing the prominent veins and the deep color of its helmet-like tip. He seemed to like the attention; he twitched a little in my hand, but still wouldn’t tell me what to do.
Should I kiss it? He’s never asked me to take him inside my mouth, but I wouldn’t have any problem with kissing him there, especially before it got messy. I leaned forward and gave the head a soft brush with my lips. He let out a gentle breath, like a short sigh; that seemed like a good sign. I did it again and heard a slight groan.
Suddenly, my lips were wet. Tentatively, I touched them with my tongue and found them sweet. So this is what his nectar tasted like? I wish I had known! I squeezed his shaft tightly and rubbed the tip against my slippery mouth, glossing it with more of the wetness seeping out. Then I let go and climbed up his body, straddling his tummy and leaning down to kiss him.
I wasn’t sure what Aidan’s reaction would be, so I paused above his face. He just looked at me, waiting to see what I would do. I supposed that, if the idea of kissing me after my mouth had been on him disgusted him, he would have turned away. He didn’t, so I let my lips touch his. Gently, I parted mine and slipped my tongue into his waiting mouth.
Aidan’s tongue stroked mine, then he closed his mouth around it and sucked softly. I teased his tongue until it followed mine out and licked at my lips. I think that really turned him on! His hand clamped down hard on my thighs and I felt him push up against me. He wanted me so badly, I could tell—and to be honest, it gave me quite a thrill. I liked that his passion for me could get this high.
I decided to do something I never had: I lifted up a little and balanced over him with the top of his shaft pressed against my opening. I saw his eyes go wide as I moved back and forth a little, glossing another set of lips with his wetness. Then I sat down slowly as he watched himself enter me, his breath coming in short little pants.
When my body met his, I paused and self-consciously covered my breasts with my palms. But when his eyes finally rose and met mine, I saw so much happiness there that I couldn’t help grinning. Instead of feeling embarrassed anymore, I felt like I’d done a blessed thing! I had shown my husband that I needed and wanted him by initiating our union, AND I’d done it in a way we’d never experienced before. I wasn’t sure about how I should proceed from here, though. Fortunately, he didn’t make me decide.
Aidan reached up and placed his hands over mine, squeezing to show me that he wanted me to caress myself. So when his hands fell away, I continued the movement, massaging my breast the way he often did. He lowered one hand back to the juncture between my hip and thigh, but the other he splayed across my belly and let its thumb find the little pleasure nub between my folds. The upper hand urged me to rock back and forth on top of him while he rubbed that little bud in tiny circles like the ones he drew on my panties earlier. I could feel him inside me—now forward, now back—as I ground against him. I started moving faster, and he sped up his circles, keeping time with me without increasing the pressure at all. I felt the tension inside me climbing; ooh, I liked this new position!
Suddenly, I felt a sort of little explosion followed by waves of pleasure. It seemed like my entire body pulsed with the sensation, and it overwhelmed me so much that I almost forgot about Aidan. When I got ahold of myself, I felt tears squeezing out under my tightly closed eyelids. Panting and wet with sweat, I tried to blink them away, not sure where all these emotions had welled up from.
Aidan’s face shone! He looked so happy with me that I couldn’t help but smile back at him through my tears. He reached up and wiped away the faint wetness on my cheeks with his palms.
“Wow. That looked amazing,” he whispered cupping my face in his hands. “YOU were amazing!”
“I didn’t do it,” I replied.
“Oh, yes you did.” Aidan nodded solemnly. “And I loved every bit of it.”
“But we aren’t done, are we?” I sure hoped not. As wonderful as that felt, I wanted the satisfaction of him finishing inside me.
“Not if you don’t want to be,” Aidan assured me. “But come here and rest in my arms for a few minutes. I want to savor this.”
So I snuggled on his chest, and he traced my spine with his finger tips until my breathing steadied. With my eyes closed, I thanked God for giving me the courage to try something outside my comfort zone that had brought so much pleasure to my husband—and me!
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