Solo Sex: Sinful or Normal

Anything pertaining to sexuality has a component of nervousness, making it a breeding ground for all kinds of theories on why it might be wrong or sinful. The fact is that the Bible says nothing about masturbation, except possibly Song of Solomon 5:2, where some have inferred that her hands on the lock and fingers dripping with myrrh was such an act. Some have said that Onan was struck down dead for masturbating (Genesis 38). However, a careful reading of that text would show that the sin was not in masturbating but in violating his duty to raise up a son for his dead brother (based on the custom of levirate marriage) by engaging in coitus interuptus (pulling out before ejaculating and spilling his semen on the ground). Some have cited the text “avoid fleshly lusts which war against the soul.” However, that text could refer to a wide range of sins with no direct link to masturbation.

To the idea that single Christians should not read Song of Solomon because it might be a masturbation trigger, I find it absolutely absurd to restrict any part of the Bible from any believer. Song of Solomon makes clear the need to distinguish between erotica (from the Greek word eros pertaining to sexual matters) and pornography (from the Greek word porneia referring to sexual immorality from whence we get the word fornication). In contrast, an increasing number of commentators suggest the Greek is not so much about the sight of a bikini-clad fraulein as it is about aggressively going down the mental path toward an illicit act.

Ultimately any discussion on masturbation must deal with Matthew 5:28 and what it means by looking at a woman lustfully. The common interpretation is that any eros without immediate fulfillment in marriage is sinful lust, a conclusion easy to draw from most English translations. If you see a bikini-clad fraulein, pull your eyes away immediately, and then desperately hope and pray that you don’t experience any arousal from such a sight. However, to say Matthew 5:28 prohibits masturbation by unmarried people is merely an inference, a procedure fraught with risks. It is better to seek out clear and literally constructed texts when expressing a strong doctrinal position. History is littered with fanatics who made too much of inferences and symbolic texts.

One key Greek word found in this passage is epithumeo, which denotes willful desire toward a particular target rather than casual admiration. Given that the word “lust” has become limited in English primarily to sexual desire (rather than desire in general, a meaning it still carries in German), its use in that text is an unfortunate translation. It is also worth noting that the word epithumeo is also used positively (e.g., Luke 22, where Jesus intensely desires to eat the Passover with his disciples). It is far more plausible to say that Jesus was, in essence, reaffirming the commandment, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife,” than to put Himself in conflict with the Song of Solomon. That is fully consistent with the idea of sin beginning in the heart with the deed as only the outward expression of such. If somebody masturbates to the fantasy of someone else’s spouse, that would obviously be sinful, or likewise if a person masturbates over the prospect of a one-night stand with a prostitute. However, without intention toward a sinful act (fornication or adultery), there is no sin in someone pleasuring oneself to relieve tension and possibly receive a religious experience in the process. This website has some fine stories of solo sex being an act of Christian worship.

One of the problems is the legacy of St. Augustine, who at one time had been very promiscuous. Unfortunately, after his conversion, he still carried that baggage, rendering him unable to comprehend the normalcy of sex in the marriage relationship. Instead, he thought of it as something that needed to be restrained, except possibly for procreation. One manifestation of that attitude can be found in our hymnals. Although most hymnals have a few hymns about love in marriage, you never find any hymns making any reference to the sex act. Naturally, in that way of thinking, any sexual feeling without immediate fulfillment in marriage would be seen as a sin. Such prudery has no foundation in the Bible. In Genesis, we read that Adam knew his wife Eve and that Isaac took Rebekah into his tent. While we rightly admire Augustine’s contributions to our understanding of soteriology, whereby God works salvation, we must also understand the great harm he caused with his warped ideas on sex.

As far as myself, once I overcame the problems of wrong ideas, I came to see what a wonderful blessing self-pleasure can be. When witnessing a baptism or receiving communion, I feel a surge of energy in every nerve fiber, frequently resulting in getting off when I get home. Another fact I discovered when a counselor read the Bible to me: it often triggers visions of a woman in an explicitly sexual manner. The only restraint induced by hearing the Bible was to put such libido into perspective with the idea of ultimate fulfillment between husband and wife and pray for God to open the door for me to experience it in marriage.

If reading Song of Solomon makes you want to pleasure yourself, go ahead and do so. (On one occasion, accidentally opening to Song of Solomon 7 caused me to take a rocket launch.) If other parts of the Bible inspire you to take such a flight, do that as well. There are two reasons why masturbation might be sinful. The first one we discussed earlier in fantasies over an obviously sinful act. The second would be to deny another person fulfillment in marital sex if you start to prefer masturbation over the real thing. Paul touches on that in 1 Corinthians 7. However, it can be a God-pleasing way to recognize that we were created as sexual beings and understand how we can use it as part of God-pleasing worship.

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11 replies
  1. Waiting Hardly says:

    Excellent overview of the theological issues surrounding self stimulation. With the specificity of the prohibitions listed in places like Leviticus, masturbation is conspicuous by its absence. Before my computer crashed and I ended up changing my online name here, I also wrote about offering it up in worship as a sacrifice. God gave us a body to enjoy, especially when we are in a season of singleness. So glad others can see what a gift self stimulation really is from our Creator!

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      I wouldn't completely agree with that; it depends on *your* situation, too. I believe that the command is not to desire something or someone who cannot rightfully be yours. If you are married or engaged, that means not wanting to have another besides your spouse (at least in most places today.) If you are single and the other person is married, they belong to another; not available.

      But two single people desiring each other is how all life-long commmitments start, even in arranged marriages. Sexual desire is one element in that attraction, and tempering that desire through masturbation until the commitment has been made and reciprocated (usually with a public social contract and ceremony) is not Biblically condemned. Neither is imagining being with the "someone" you may someday find and love. And there's no rule that one must think of another person while masturbating; many people just focus on the sensations without constructing imaginary scenarios. I do believe there is harm done to the heart and mind of the imaginer who masturbates while longing for someone they can't rightfully be with, though.

    • Waggs1 says:

      As EnjoyingGodsGifts said, the key word is epithumeo – strong desire. It was used by the translators of the Septuagint for "thou shalt not COVET." That is to take or plan to take something that belongs to someone else for your own.

      Are you planning to make that wife or fiancee your own sex partner?

  2. Waiting Hardly says:

    An illustration: your neighbor makes fresh pies and you can smell them from next door. Your mouth begins to water. You imagine what it would taste like, and even try to bake your own. So far, so good. You have not committed gluttony in your heart. But if you decide to swipe your neighbor’s pie, you have sinned.
    The sight of the opposite sex, especially in some cases, may cause a physiological reaction in your brain and certain, um, body parts. You may fantasize about being with someone like that. But the sin begins when you plot to lure that person away from their spouse. That’s when arousal and attraction become lust. There is the factor of “intent”.

  3. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    A very complex subject because human desires sometimes happen on their own. I masturbate, and when I do I think of my wife. There have been times when I've been tempted to fantasize about others, such as a few of her very attractive friends, but I don't allow myself to go there. She also regularly masturbates, but I don't know what she thinks about.

  4. jwdmccarty2902 says:

    For May many years I lived in guilt because I would see another woman and say “Damn she’s hot. I would love to do her.” Traditionally we would have said that was sin. Then I found myself in a situation. I had been friends with a woman who I wanted to date. We were both single. It wouldn’t have been a problem. I had a son with my wife who had passed away, though, and she was a cute little thing who was so innocent I just couldn’t do it. I remarried and moved on. Enter social media. We became friends on social media and began talking. Now both of us are married. The talks became sexual late at night after my family went to bed. She would tell me her favorite sex positions and that she shaved her vagina (something my wife would never do). I longed for her. We never physically came together, but to me, THAT is what Jesus meant. Seeing some hot woman or man and it causing a stir in your pants is normal. That isn’t the lust Jesus was concerned about. It was the kind I found myself in. People call it emotional affairs these days. Yes, I understand that was what I was doing, but I believe that is the true meaning of what Christ was talking about.

  5. LovingMan says:

    This is an important topic. In my opinion too many of us have been shamed into thinking self pleasuring is evil. I completely agree with a lot of the opinions here. I especially agree with CrazyHappyLoved. . . “Sexual desire is one element in that attraction, and tempering that desire through masturbation until the commitment has been made and reciprocated (usually with a public social contract and ceremony) is not Biblically condemned. Neither is imagining being with the "someone" you may someday find and love.”
    I even think solo masturbation is fine in a marriage with desire discrepancies (where one partner wants sex more often.) I also think mutual masturbation is clearly acceptable. Our sex schedule includes my wife helping me reach orgasm on days we are not having intercourse. I feel no loss of the Holy Spirit in doing this. We also have had phone sex when we were hundreds or thousands of miles away.
    To “Enjoying God’s Gifts” … thank you for the information about Saint Augustine. I think that the idea that married sex is a kind of compromise with the devil is way wrong. I think that marital sexual intimacy is truly a high sacrament. I don’t remember who talked about that in a MH post recently, but considering married sex a holy (& very fun) sacrament is spot on!
    I think about my beautiful bride when I solo masturbate. I feel no loss of the Holy Spirit when I do this. I think masturbating to pornography DOES drive away the Holy Spirit.
    It’s a separate issue but appreciating the beauty of the nude human body is not a sin. I am an amateur artist and I have no problem with drawing the nude human form of either sex. I believe that Man (& Woman) are God’s greatest and most beautiful creation!

  6. Waggs1 says:

    I had to chuckle when you talked about the Song of Solomon leading to arousal and masturbation. I remember having a conversation in a board meeting at a former church and one of the ladies on the board started off on a rampage about some sexual topic. (oral sex maybe?) Not sure how she got onto that topic. I pointed out that what she was railing against was there in the Song of Solomon. Her reply was that only a pervert would see ANYTHING sexual in the Song of Solomon. I was actually not surprised to hear her own marriage ended in divorce a couple of years later.

    BTW, I was told in Sunday School that the Song was SO sexual that Jews were not allowed to read it before age 40. Not true. The entire book is read in the synagogue during Passover week. And believe me, the english translators really water down the sexual content compared with the Hebrew text.
    What is not allowed before age 40 are books like the Zohar and Tanya which are mystical texts used by Chassidic Judaism.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Isn't that perfect?! Jesus died for us (the "Passion" of Christ) While his people were reading Song of Solomon. Makes it easier to understand why Paul taught marriage as a picture of a right relationship between Christ and his Bride, the Church (us). In modern times, it feels like we need to reverse engineer that.

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