Is It OK That I Fantasize About Her?
For personal reasons, I’m not quite ready to date anyone yet, but I do masturbate daily. And a few weeks ago, I was standing outside my church after the service, waiting for my ride home. A group of people that I knew was standing nearby, chatting with one another, and it was quite windy. Anyway, one of the women among them (a gorgeous single blonde I’m acquainted with) was wearing a knee-length blue dress. As I looked in her direction, the wind blew up her dress. She quickly held it down from the front but neglected the back, and as the wind blew up the hem, I was treated with a view of her naked ass. She wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress. Quickly, she pulled down the back of her dress too and didn’t seem to realize I got an eyeful, but I did.
The image of her beautiful backside has been burned into my memory, and now I can’t stop fantasizing about her when I masturbate. I just found the idea of her wearing no panties under her dress so incredibly erotic. Her legs have always been lovely to me, but it was my first time really seeing her thighs, and they’re gorgeous. They look so soft to the touch, and I’m getting aroused just remembering them. And her ass… so beautifully round, pale, and soft looking. I want to lift her skirt, take each cheek in my hand and massage them as I kneel behind her and lick her pussy and asshole. I want to finger both holes too, and I keep wondering what it would feel like to enter her—just to lean her forward against a wall or pillar with that dress raised and thrust in and out of that beautiful ass while I play with her clit and breasts until we orgasm together.
I’ve never seen this lady in anything other than a dress, and now anytime I see her, I can’t help but wonder if she’s ever got underwear on or if she gets a thrill going without it. I want her to sneak around with me in that dress, sit on my face, and ride my tongue until she cums. I want her to sit on my lap, discreetly unzip my jeans, and slide my dick into her moist pussy. I want her beautiful thighs pressed on my cheeks.
I still talk to her like a normal person whenever we do chat. That hasn’t changed, and she suspects nothing. And I get the impression she’s a sweet and friendly person, though shy when you don’t know her too well yet. But she’s completely unaware of what I saw and how she stirs something up in me now. I’ve always thought she was a knockout, but now she really arouses me.
As I’ve said, she’s still single, but I’m not in a place in my life where I want to date yet. Sometimes I fantasize about my prettier female friends too when masturbating, but not to the degree that I do with this woman. Is it wrong to fantasize about her and my friends?
Do any of my fellow single guys and ladies also fantasize about real people?
I remember how hard the days of singleness were, and I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have seen this and not fantasize about her. Masturbation in itself is not sin; God would have told us clearly if it was. But sexual lust for a person is sin, there is no ambiguity about that. Her indiscretion was not your fault. You weren’t looking for trouble that morning. That happens to us all. But using her image to masturbate to is wrong. Our enemy wants to ruin our lives, and just like with Eve in the Garden his daring question is repeated to us again and again, “Did God really say no? Follow me and I will give real life.” It’s a lie, no matter how good imagining her feels. This will not bring you closer to Christ or to great sex with your wife one day. Use the gift of masturbation, but don’t add this to it.
Your story reminded me of 1 Corinthians 7:9 where it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
There is a difference between a fantasy and lusting. I fantasize about the steaks at a local place that flame broiler them. I didn’t used to, but one day I was walking by and could smell them cooking. Now, I imagine digging into one, and my mouth even waters at the thought of it, but it’s not a place I can afford. Eating one is a fantasy. But I am not lusting after that steak until I start planning to find a way to go there and have one without paying. Then I have already committed theft (and gluttony) in my heart.
That’s just an illustration, but do you see the difference? Lust is “desire with intent to take what you have no right to.” Fantasy is not lust if it lacks intent. If you said “I am going to” instead of “I imagine”, that is lust.
With that said, you need to either start dating and get married, or find other things that cause arousal so you are not fixated on one person all the time. That could become too much of an obsession. Perhaps read stories on MH and imagine yourself in them.
Hope that helps.
Nothing unusual in seeing a women without undies. Yes the wind can play havoc sometimes, but overall most of the time I also go out bare bottom. My hubby loves it and at any point I can either fondle myself or at anytime I let my hubby take me in any way possible. I love it especially when I’m dressed in very short mini with most of my bottom exposed.
I love how you enjoy “easy access”! 🙂 It’s very sexy!
I personally think there are worse things than that kind of fantasy, but I'm no saint and have nothing but experience to go on. The thing is, you said she's single and so are you, so why not ask her out? While you say you are not ready to date, your sexual side clearly is; and emotionally speaking, you can take things as slow as you need. The right person will respect that you have a past or issues you are working on and give you that time. Also, you may find that, while she's pretty, she may not be the kind of woman you'd consider for a serious relationship; then again, she might be the one! I think either way, now that this seed is in your mind, you need to take it to the next level and play it out because the more you tell yourself not to think of it, the more your mind will travel there; it's human nature! Taking the relationship to the dating space will naturally transform the way you think of her, and love/respect won't let your mind lust after her as is happening now.
I agree. We all have dating or relationship insecurities and fears. Maybe dipping a toe in the dating pond would be a nice step. Possibly by asking her to coffee or tea, nothing crazy or intimidating. At least you know you have a few things similar like common friends and church. Better than other ways to date these days! Either way, good luck
I would like to add my 2¢ to this. It is unfortunate what happened. I understand how it only takes a second for an image like that to be burned into the memory. And when you need sexual relief, the mind will draw on what is available to make that happen. So that image just pops into your head without you even thinking about it. Just like when you are really hungry, the mind will throw up images (and even scent memory) of your favorite meals. You can see and smell those steaks on the grill. You may even hear the sizzle. Or you can see your mom/aunt/wife taking that apple pie out of the oven. See the steam rising. Smell the cooked apples and cinnamon. It is an involuntary thing.
Now you have seen the sexy backside of a beautiful young lady. Unfortunately she also happens to be your sister. (in the Lord of course) And in all likelihood, she would be greatly offended if she realized you were using the image of her that way. But that is a separate issue from the lust.
That said, she is NOT your wife; but at some point she could be. That verse in Matt 5 about lust has already been quoted, which is the standard fare for this sort of thing. However I would like to present a different twist on that. This is from the Summer 1998 issue of Kesher Journal, an article entitled "Sex and Religion: A Cultural History" by H. Bruce Stokes PhD, a Baptist pastor from California.
The Roman** form of Christianity also placed sexuality primarily in the mind rather than behavior. This came from a statement in the gospels. "You have heard it said, Thou shalt not commit adultery; but I say unto you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28). To the Roman mind, this had to mean that if a man saw a woman and had a sexual thought, he was as guilty as if he had sex with her. But this would not have made sense to a first century Jew. The word [Jesus] used was adultery, not fornication. This statement is about desiring to marry another man's wife. This coveting of another man's wife and the prohibition against adultery are foundational to the Ten Commandments. …..
It is important to remember that women were largely removed from the view of men, and that the woman a man might most often see was his neighbor's wife. To interpret that "adultery in the heart" is a prohibition on sexual thought condemns every man, every day with almost every woman. This has created a neurotic view of sexuality within the Church.
That article revolutionized my thinking on this topic when i read it 20+ years ago. I continued to study it out and found out the Greek word translated "lust" here is epithumeo, which means a strong desire. (good or bad) It is used in the Septuagint Greek OT to translate "covet," and in most of Paul's letters is also translated covet. TO covet is to want/plan to take something that belongs to someone else. So if this girl was married, and you were planning on how you could take her away from her husband to make her yours, then the "adultery in the heart" phrase would fit. But less than that, I do not think it does.
** Roman Catholic
@Waggs1, you beat me to the punch! This is my (and my husband's) understanding of that scripture as well: the key is not the word translated "lust," which Jesus himself used to describe his desire to eat the Passover meal with his disciples. The key is *what is being desired*. In this case, men are being warned not to desire the *gynaika* of another. She cannot rightfully be his. He uses the same noun in verse 31 in speaking of divorce. In fact, there is no place in scripture where this noun is used to describe a never-married woman (and I've looked extensively.) I'm not saying that it's *good for you* to fantasize about a particular woman obsessively, especially if you are not willing to initiate a closer relationship with her for whatever reason. But like others, I wonder if your mind and body are ready for something that your will is not yet. Consider whether your "personal reasons" are standing in the way of a happy future, or at least of the search for it. May God bless you and His Spirit guide you into all truth.
Wow that's a really interesting take on that verse, one I hadn't read before. While I don't have a problem with the Bible being taken literally, it can be problematic to take translations of it literally! I need to do more research to see what I think about it all but the idea itself is really eye-opening, and makes me wonder how much (undeserved) condemnation I've heaped on myself for similar situations. I still wonder where "the line" might be and I'm sure I'm guilty of crossing it here and there. And also, the mere act of looking can be habit-forming so I do see how becoming accustomed to looking before marriage could be problematic after becoming married. More research is needed but again this is a real interesting take.
Many thoughts on this….. I'm definitely not a saint when one considers my past before marriage so just know that….. That is to say, had I seen what you saw, I would have asked her out…….
First off, it sounds like you are attracted to this woman, but perhaps only sexually and not to the extent that you are interested in a relationship? You said you're not in a good place to date but if you are attracted to her then why not ask her out? I will say that the first instinct I had for my wife was sexual attraction because at that moment I hadn't talked to her and I knew nothing about her. I saw her and thought she was gorgeous and I felt sexual attraction. That is a very normal instinct before a relationship ever happens. So why not at least ask her out and see what happens?
As for no panties, it is not unusual for a woman to go without panties on. My wife often doesn't wear panties, such as if she has on yoga pants, BUT I would be surprised if she ever wore a dress or short skirt without panties. Hard to know what your friend's motivations were in wearing a dress such as that with no panties….much less to church. Also, just know that she might have had on panties that were a thong. There are thong panties that on quick glance you may not notice from behind. Take it from me on that as I'm married to a woman who wears only thong panties.
@MarriedtoaHotBabe, there are many reasons one may not want to be in a relationship at any given time. I am sure you know that. In highschool and college i was attracted to many women (crushed big time on a select few) but never dated any of them. By the end of my junior year of college i could count on one hand the number of dates i had been on. (all one time only) That was due to a decision i made pre-puberty to never get married. I ws 7 when my mom and dad broke up very violently and never wanted to experience that again nor put anyone else thru it either. There were at least 3 generations of broken marriages on both sides of my family tree. The odds were not good so i made that decision. It actually took an audible voice from heaven to change it.
Great question. I love to masturbate.
Waggs1, I agree, you said it much better than I did. I remember as a teenage Christian in the early ’70s being full of testosterone and troubled with thoughts of girls I knew or had dated. An older Christian helped so much with this simple truth. He said, “You can’t keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can keep it from making a nest in your hair.” Thoughts like this of women will arrive unbidden, but dwelling on them is a choice.
You knew Martin Luther!? ?
HappyHubby Lol! Is that who said that first? Well, I’m old, but not that old! No, I was told that by an older Man when I was a young teen.
I sympathise. Every guy must have been in such a situation. I remember one occasion in my church where I happened to turn my head and found myself looking straight up the very short mini skirt our pastor’s 18 year old daughter was wearing. Her legs were bare and spread quite wide as she was chatting to her friend. I could see her white satin panties. I guess I only looked at her like that for a couple of seconds but the image stayed in my mind like a photograph. I masturbate regularly and often that image slips into my mind even when I’m enjoying a sex fantasy about my wife.
Created an account so I could echo this! My pastor's daughter is much the same, so I identify haha!
As a fellow single male waiting for the right girl to date, I’d just echo what everyone else has been saying. It’s not your fault she was wearing immodest clothes (especially for church!), but it IS your responsibility not to let yourself lust after her because of that ‘accident’. I’m not saying it’s easy, but ask God to replace that image in your mind and don’t let thoughts that are ungodly enter your mind. Make no mistake, It’s a war we are in. So we need to be on our guard!!
Good luck brother in Christ!
I have a hard time not visualizing women I know while I masturbate, but I try not too because I think it’s inappropriate, so I try to place my late wife into the scenarios written here on MH. My wife would never think of real men or couples when she’d masturbate, but she would creat her own fantasies that aroused her. Many times I would write dirty stories in my spare time and give them to her, or better yet, I would read them to her. She would masturbate as I read until she’d have an orgasm, that’s when she’d tell me to get my dick inside of her “right now.”
So what I’m saying is, do not lust after someone, but be imaginative and create a fantasy lady. Be realistic though, because you do not want to set your ideal woman so high that when you do get married, you won’t expect your wife to immediately match your fantasy.
I do what your wife did, Sarge—I make up stories with fictional characters. It's like my own little movie in my head; I often don't even put myself in them.
Sarge, the image of your wife masturbating herself to your sexual stories is a beautiful one.
But please, not 'dirty'; don't use negative language for what is good—that good being married sex and masturbation.
I think that it is okay to fantasize about a girl you know or like when you masturbate. However, if you find out that she is not single, then I would not fantasize about her at all. In university, I had a crush on one of my history teachers[…]; However, once I found out that she was married, I stopped fantasizing about her.
I should've noticed her wedding ring, but it took me a few weeks because I was so into her that I forgot to look. Silly me. Somebody was not paying attention.
Just my two cents.
I think in my mind it’s less a matter of sin and more about respecting her autonomy and consent. I imagine that she wouldn’t be comfortable knowing that you were having those thoughts about her, specifically. She didn’t get to choose to participate in your mind that way. So out of respect for her real self, it seems like fantasy for self-pleasure would better be enjoyed with a fictional person who takes on that consensual role you described.
Chaddy, go get to know.her
Sexual attraction is meant to bring people together.
Befriend her before you loose her to someone else, she may be ready now.
Masturbating is a way of honouring her femininity, do it respectfully of her. As a single woman who is not yet your wife, generally that means I advise to think of her masturbating herself – I believe that would honour her as a woman, her sexuality and God.
I agree with Likaself's comments.
I myself have thought about different female friends which I am interested in and that I know are single while I masterbate. I often imagine them masterbating, just like Likaself suggests, usually to thoughts of me. I have also masterbated to thoughts of kissing, hugging, making love or even mutually masterbating with them. Once I find out that they are not interested in me or if I find out that they have a boyfriend, I will focus on other girls instead. Like you, I am still looking for my future wife. Good luck on both your search, mine, and the search of every other single guy both on MH and throughout the world!
Pray that God will open the door for a marriage relationship with her. Masturbation can be a good thing in the absence of a marriage relationship but the principles of 1 Corinthians 7 suggest that substituting it for a marriage relationship is robbing a woman of the fulfillment God ordained.
I want to echo what likaself and Mr.Lover said – thinking of her enjoying God's gift of masturbation is a good way to honour her and God.
But thinking of having sex with her, although as long as it only a fantasy, that is not wrong. However, at the time you wrote it three years ago, you were not interested in even dating her, let alone making her your wife. What has changed in the last three years?
It would not be honouring to her to think of having sex with her if you have no intention of 'wifing' her. I would contrast that with a couple who are engaged to get married – in which case I would say it is right for both to be masturbating to thoughts of having sex with the other. (I would add that it would be appropriate for her to give him a view up her skirt to aid that – like the pastor's daughter Mike2020 mentioned https://marriageheat.com/2020/12/07/is-it-ok-that-i-fantasize-about-her/#comment-43673)
This has been about seeing girls. But we girls looking at a buff guy can have similar thoughts and feelings. I remember as a teen that I was advised to think of hot him, wanking himself as a way for me to honour him and God, rather than to think of him seducing or fucking me as I masturbated myself.
And to be honest as a younger teen, when I was masturbating, I may just have had an image of his body or face in my head as I sexually pleasured myself; in my naivety about real sex, I was not actually thinking of sex in graphic detail – pretty much I was just horny and liked masturbating myself (still do.)
By the way, I think MarriageHeat is doing a wonderful service directing our thoughts of the sexual realm in a godly direction.
It has been 4 years, so one would hope that this situation has already been resolved. However I think of one theme of the Beverly Hillbillies sitcom was that if a couple had experienced too much of each other (this would definitely qualify), then the code of the hills required them to get married. Unless he has a specific calling to singleness or a reason why pursuing her is contrary to God's will, he needs to think in terms of pursuing biblical love rather than a fantasy. It could be that God set up that wardrobe malfunction to say "this is the way, walk in it" (Isaiah 30).
Nothing wrong with fantasies.