I Want More Sex

My husband and I have been married for five years, and we are both in our mid-20’s. I want more sex; we barely have any, at all. If we do, it’s only one to three times a month, and I always initiate it. Then there are times when he will tell me no.  I ask him if he’s having an affair, but he says no.

I don’t know what to do.  I flirt with him, I tell him I want more.  Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m unattractive. Maybe, he doesn’t love me anymore.  I just don’t know. But, I’m finding myself discontent while waiting for him to want me.

I’m coping with the lack of sex and intimacy through porn ( I know it’s not right) or masturbation.

Do you have any advice?

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29 replies
  1. Waiting Hardly says:

    According to 1 Corinthians 7, your husband is the one living in sin and not doing what the Lord commands husbands to do for their wives. You are being forced to meet your own needs through artificial means. That’s specifically the reason for the command in that passage.
    I would say take off your clothes and refuse to wear a stitch until he starts being a Christian husband.

  2. WeldersWife says:

    My husband and I have been through similar times in our marriage as well. Is sex the problem or a symptom, in your opinion? Is he otherwise physically or verbally attentive to you? Have you considered therapy?

    • AmBlessed says:

      I find that sex is usually both symptom & problem unfortunately in a circular reinforcing dance unless you have some serious conversation. However, I would ask for a conversation the day after you have made love so that you can speak from a position of "that was so good and I want us to do that more often" as opposed to speaking out of frustration [I tried the latter far too often and it did not go well]

  3. Nathaniel says:

    I am so sorry to hear this. I would want to hope for the best, but being in your 20's and only married 5 years, something isn't right. Most guys can't get enough. I know I couldn't at that stage. Has something changed? Hope things can work out for your marriage. There are guys who would love to have a girl who wanted it….

  4. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    Sorry to read about your struggles. Questions:
    1) When you do have sex, how enjoyable is it for both of you? Sounds like you initiate every time, but then once things get going, how it is?
    2) Have you asked him why he doesn't want to have sex more often/at all? If yes, what does he say?
    3) What was the sex like when you first got married? Has it always been this way?
    4) Is he able to get an erection easily, or are there difficulties with that?

    Although I have a very high sex drive, I will say that the one thing that can shut it down or at best tamp it down is job stress. I am wondering if your husband is going through something that's adversely affecting his sex drive.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Not sure there's enough info here to draw this conclusion; no mention of the lack of sex being retribution. I don't think it's conducive to address any problem with a "you against me" attitude. Instead, seek to work as a team to solve the imbalance. The problem is the culprit and the couple is the dynamic duo bringing it to justice.

  5. Keystone Jack says:

    You find yourself where many men have been. I'm sure there are men who frequent this site who wish their wives were the ones wanting more. The reality is that God likes variety in His people.
    If you look at "typical" men and women you will find a higher sex drive in men in the earlier years and a higher sex drive in women in the later years. This was intentional. God knows that we are more satisfied with things we have to work for.
    That being said, let's go to work! At some point he needs to understand the importance of sex…not just to you. At some point you need to understand what his obstacle is.
    Take some time learning about his sexual past. Was he raped as a kid? I know it sounds odd, but I have a good friend who was raped by an older boy. It screwed him up for years! It's possible you're dealing with an issue he's never discussed with anyone before. What did his parents have to say about sex? Was it a "dirty" thing? I have a good friend who was shocked by what her husband proposed they did on their wedding night! It took months of counseling before they ever consummated their marriage. It was all because her mom raised her to believe that sex was "dirty." Does he have a self esteem issue? Does he feel his penis is small or unattractive? You can fix his self esteem with a lot of physical attention & words (most likely). Look for the "why" and help him overcome it.
    Let him know you need to have a conversation about sex. Don't blurt it out. Be gentle with him. Patience is key! Schedule a time together when you will sit down, turn off the phones, computers, TVs. Sit face to face in a comfortable private setting and talk. Let him know that you desire him. Let him know what is desirable about him. Let him know what your sexual desire feels like. Let him know, gently, how the rejection of your advances feels. Let him know how you feel after making love with him. Let him know what the next day feels like. Ask him about his desires (not just the sexual ones). Gary Oliver defines intimacy by changing the way you spell & say it: Into Me, See. Intimacy is critical to sex. He needs to see into you. You need to see into him. If, during this time of discovery, you find something that needs professional attention, go get it!
    Your marriage is worth this. Your sex life is worth this. Put in the work. Be patient. Be persistent. Celebrate the small steps and break-throughs. Pray with him about it…every day.
    Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. – I Cor. 7:5

  6. imagine8883 says:

    Hoping things will change. I'm 32 male in a sexless marriage. Have sex with my wife only 2 or 3 times a month and that too I have to initiate always. Never experienced oral sex also. So I can totally relate to you. Prayers for you. Please say a prayer for me too

  7. tdx30 says:

    Dear Daydream5, one of the reasons your husband may not desire more sexual activity is because he may have been taught earlier in life that sex is ungodly. The church in the past has not done a very effective job educating young adults in the joy of and guilt-free pleasures of sex. A second reason is that perhaps your husband may be self-pleasuring via masturbation and there might be a pornography habit causing his disinterest. I would suggest professional counseling to get to the root of the problem.

  8. Tulsa says:

    The refusal, is bad news, and something I am not familiar with in my own life. I don't understand that, from any point of view.
    Seems to me, that is enough to seek help, if you are unable to communicate.

  9. O-man says:

    First, cut the porn off. It's not helping and it won't help. It will increase your desire for sex which you're not getting as much as you want, and this will only frustrate you more.

    Secondly, distract yourself from your need with work, a hobby, nonsexual goals, etc.

    Thirdly, hold out and wait for him to initiate till he can form the habit of doing so eventually. Over supply of even a good thing will lead to a reduced demand for it. Balance out demand and supply between both of you.

    Start with those.

    • GoodKitty says:

      If porn if helping her relaxing and get her needs cared for there is no harm in that it is healthy to need a outlet as everyone on here should admit, she need not suffer while she waits for the situation to settle.

  10. Herknight says:

    Daydream know that you will be in my prayers. Many of the comments here have been spot on. I would recommend asking him to just hold you, with you not expecting anything more. Connect more emotionally and less physically for now. Maybe get ahold of "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" by Mark Gungor. I recommend the video series over the book. Before anyone says something, if she is not happy on the sex front then they are in need of a better marriage.

  11. King Arthur says:

    It may be that you simply have the higher sex drive.

    Not much you can do about it, but it needed to be discussed BEFORE you got married. Too late for that now though.

    All I know to do is discuss it as a couple and come to some sort of compromise that you both can live with.

    I, for example, am the higher drive spouse by far. Unfortunately, my wife won’t discuss it at all.

    So, I masturbate 2-4 times a day just to release the stress. You may try that and see how it works for you.

  12. Eagle44BC says:

    I, too, am very sorry to hear of this trouble in your relationship. I wish I had answers or advice. I too have the same sad issue. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. I resort to the same outlet for satisfaction as you mention. I don't like it that outlet, I prefer what all readers look for. I have wanted to give up, but God never gave up on me and so I won't give up on her. For all of 2020, we only had 4 encounters all year, all were initiated by me. I don't understand the why of it all. I pray for help. I also appreciate the other comments I have been reading. There is support out there for those of us not living in paradise. The story I read about the couple making love every day last year sounds better than winning the lottery. My only words for you are – Keep Trying.

  13. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    Oh, I can really relate to this post. Thirty years ago, when we were newlyweds, my hubby started a fast-track training program to become a paramedic. Besides the many hours of school and clinicals it entailed, which left him with little energy, he found the compressed course load very challenging. Having recently ETSed from the Army where he was very proficient at his job, this didn't do great things for his confidence. And the fact that I wanted sex every night when he just wanted to sleep only added to the pressure on him.

    But for me, sex was the only thing I felt good at, and if he didn't want me, my self-worth plummeted. It was a long time before I came to realize that he loved me even when the pressures of life decreased his libido. He tried buying me toys to "take care of myself" when he wasn't up to it, but that left me feeling sort of empty. I mean, orgasms are great, but it was the connection and his attention that I was missing. And at that point in his schooling, he just didn't have it to give.

    He eventually decided that the course wasn't a good fit for him (not just because of my needs going unmet), and when the pressure eased, our sex life improved.

    I wish I could say that I learned through that experience to value myself by some other criteria than sexual desire and appreciation, but that didn't happen until many years later—and I still struggle with it when things wane, tbh. And they do. Marriage—heck, LIFE—is a long interval-training run through hills and valleys, not a full-on sprint on a flat track. But I really seem to need to feel wanted and needed; it's my security blanket. I don't think I'm alone in this.

    Something that I have learned works for me when I start feeling needy is to focus on him and his needs. Is he stressing over work? Maybe I offer him a massage without trying to make it sexual. Does his health seem to be suffering? Maybe I can get him to take some extra Vitamin C or drink more water (but I don't nag him about it.) It doesn't replace my need, but it can redirect and distract me from it and, if appreciated, I do feel better about myself, too. I can't go into it with a *quid pro quo* attitude, though; it has to be more "do unto others, whether they do or not."

    I can also focus more on self-care during these times. Diet, exercise, new hobby, joining a Bible study group… anything that reminds me that that I matter to God, so I have to matter to me, too. I usually find that my self-confidence increases as I grow in some way, and that confidence is very attractive to my husband.

    But if he feels like he's letting me down and that I'm unsatisfied with our relationship, that just dampens things between us. Instead, I remind myself to look for things to appreciate about him and build him up from there. A boost to his self-confidence feeds his desire to persue me, which feeds my confidence, as well. It's a win-win!

    I agree with the commenter who said that porn isn't going to make things better—and maybe not even the stories here, right now, unless they offer you some tips on seduction or excitement that you think could boost his drive. Does he notice when you dress sexy? Does he like to watch you work out or to exercise with you? Could a mini-vacay provide a stress break to refocus on each other and have some heart-to-hearts?

    Honest discussion is key, but maybe start light. Do you know what turns him on in general (does anything?) or what attracted him to you in the first place? Maybe that's a good place to begin a conversation.

    The most important thing for us has been unconditional love and acceptance. Otherwise, we don't feel free to be open and honest. It doesn't mean we have to *do* anything we aren't comfortable with, just that we won't be judgemental or dismissive of the other person, nor play the blame game. Saying things like, "I'm feeling ____. I think it would help me if we could ____." If we can't or won't do that thing, we can at least try to be understanding and perhaps offer an alternative solution. "I get that you want to _____, but could we maybe try _____ instead?" It's a good idea for both partners to learn good communication skills.

    I would love to hear back from you to know how things work out. Praying for you guys.

  14. LovingMan says:

    This is a difficult situation. We had desire discrepancy when we retired. I had more energy so I wanted way more sex. . . and I assumed that my wife would too. She did not so we eventually saw a good marriage/ sex therapist. In fact they were a husband and wife team of Christian therapists. With their help, and us doing reading and research we worked it out. (there ARE Christian perspective books on married sex). . . As I was saying, we actually negotiated a sex schedule. We still have spontaneous sex once in a while but with a sex schedule it kind of takes the pressure off. I hope your husband and you can be open to getting marriage/sex therapy and talk and work through this. Individual therapy may help as well. My wife n I were childhood sexual abuse survivors and I was divorced when we met.
    I think the individual therapy we both got before our marriage made a huge difference for us. And the couple’s therapy brought us even closer decades later.

  15. Tango69 says:

    I’m frustrated for you babe. I have been in relationships like that. Now I’m married, I have a sex-driven partner. Fortunate for me, most days are filled with each other and sexual tension followed by release.

    My advice is probably not the empty sound but grab yourself a vibe, a good one, and when you feel the need. Go and help yourself. Send him a message and tell him you need a hand in whatever location you choose, in the home or out. Time to kick things up a gear. There is nothing more frustrating than being specific about what you want or want done and nothing is done about it. … Benwa balls are also great to play with together or apart. Grab yourself and go and read my stories.

  16. Grace911 says:

    There is lots of good advice here, but no one has actually mentioned that there may also be a physical problem. Granted, communication is key, but being certain you're healthy and have a healthy hormonal balance is also key. As someone mentioned, being uninterested as a man in his 20s and newly married is not what I'd call normal. I know from experience how important a role hormones play. I married at 18, had 3 children by the time I was 27. In the beginning, sex was a nearly daily occurrence and I couldn't get enough. However, as the years passed and life pressures and aging began to take a toll, I became less and less responsive. My dear and patient husband needed more, but I just could not give it as often as he desired. And I HAD no desire. When I began to go through menopause, I (fortunately) had very strange symptoms so severe I literally, for the first time in my life, did not want to live. Thankfully, my Christian (male) boss recommended I consult a particular doctor who specialized in hormone balancing. I discovered that, not only did I have an underactive thyroid, my testosterone level was almost non existent. YES, women also need testosterone! And, I'd been this way for years! Within 2 weeks of treatment, not only did my 3 years of crazy symptoms abate, I was back to my old, positive self. Talk about a total transformation! I couldn't get enough of my husband in bed! He'd often say (after some really hot sex), "Wow! Where has this lady been hiding for the last 10 years!" So, my best advice is, while there very well may be other emotional and spiritual issues, don't neglect a thorough evaluation by a doctor who actually knows how to treat this sort of thing. A GP will generally NOT KNOW how. Make sure he has healthy and appropriate testosterone and other hormone (they need 7 different ones) levels. It makes a HUGE difference.

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