This post mentions anal masturbation (A).
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[Note from Marriage Heat: This story is primarily about teaching a young woman about the importance and joy of married sex to be shared one day in the young woman’s marriage with her husband. The young woman is 18, NOT a minor.]
The Sex Education of Lindy
I was very pleased to see on the MarriageHeat website a discussion about training our children to honor God with their sexuality. I think that it is vital that children be taught to save themselves for marriage. We must counteract the a huge amount of secular disinformation out there that is not only immoral but is also very confusing. Often our children grow up filled with shame, deeply conflicted about sexuality. So I believe that parents (or other concerned adults) need to be proactive in teaching our children about God’s design for marriage. Our discussions need to emphasize that sexuality is God’s idea and that, in marriage, it is healthy and pure. We must strongly emphasize that for the obedient believer, sexuality can be creative, liberating, incredibly pleasurable and fulfilling.
I think that even though it may be uncomfortable, our training must include open discussions about masturbation, the limits and freedoms of sex in marriage, and as they get older, a fairly detailed and healthy discussion about sexual technique in the marriage bed. Naturally, I am concerned that children should not be exposed to sex too soon. They should remain innocent for as long as possible. But make no mistake as they get older, the “world” will be informing and shaping them more aggressively than we know. They are bombarded with influences from books, movies, music etc. They are never as innocent as most parents think them to be, so we cannot afford to be prudish in these areas. If we don’t inform and influence our children, the world gladly will. I would actually be pleased if older teens were logging onto MH with their parents supervision and reading about the passion and freedom of godly married sex.
Our own children are both happily married and out of our home. I would rate the job we did with them at a 7 out of 10. Not bad, but we could have done much better. I recently had a chance to revisit my mentoring skills in this area with the daughter of a dear friend, and I would be interested to know what your readers think of it.
First, a bit of background. My husband and I are heavily involved in our church youth group. We have very good relationships with the kids in a ‘parental’ sort of way.
Lindy, the girl in question, was part of our youth group, and is the daughter of a close and dear friend of mine, Evelyn. Chuck and Evelyn got married as unbelievers and had a rough time of marriage for several years. Chuck had an affair that nearly destroyed their marriage, but eventually they became believers and now they have a fully restored relationship. The difficulty is that Chuck and Evelyn are extremely conservative and closed when it comes to sex (an overreaction to their pasts, I think.)
The results really began to show in Lindy’s life as she reached her teenage years. Evelyn came to me, very distraught, with a series of explicit notes she had found in Lindy’s room. It was obvious that Lindy was becoming more and more sexually active. She began to withdraw from our youth group, and later admitted that, while she was technically a virgin, she and her boyfriend were engaging in heavy petting to the point of orgasm. Evelyn pled with me to speak to Lindy. She had no idea how to talk to her daughter about sexual things. Lindy is a truly lovely and vivacious girl, and I didn’t want to see her life ruined.
Since I had a great relationship with Lindy, she agreed to a weekly Bible study where we would also talk about life, womanhood and many other things. We would talk and laugh, and she really opened up to me. But sadly I found several things out: Lindy thought that: 1) most Christians were dull and repressed when it came to sex; 2) they believed sex was dirty except for procreation; 3) Christians were ashamed of their bodies and their sexual natures; and 4) this was unnatural and hypocritical and would never allow her to have the life of real romance, passion, and excitement that she craved. The repressed Christian view of sex just would never allow it.
Wow, I had my work cut out for me!
About this time, something happened to really open her spirit. Her boyfriend, (not a believer) cheated and betrayed her. She was crushed. I used this to explain that God had a wonderful plan for her. If she would commit to a Christian lifestyle, I believed God would honor that by supplying a Christian husband and lover for her in His own good time. He could provide her a man who would truly love her, and they could have both a fervent Christian home and a romantic and highly passionate, sexual marriage as well. She wanted to believe me, but was filled with doubt. She was deathly afraid that she would end up with a dull, sterile marriage with little sex or romance—the kind of relationship she felt her parents had.
I emphasized that a relationship with a non-Christian boy was a recipe for disaster. She still believed though that Christians were almost non-sexual and that their marriages were flat. I could tell she was starting to look over the boys at school again, so I decided to go all in. I asked if she would commit to a study of biblical marriage, romance and sexual themes for the next few months. She reluctantly agreed, thinking that it would be boring and mundane.
I knew that I had to hit her as hard as I could with the powerful passion of God’s design for marriage and sexuality. We began to study the Song of Solomon, and I really emphasized the real and raw sexual and passionate nature of it. I showed her over and over that sex and passion was God’s idea, not the devil’s! She was quite shocked and amazed.
A few weeks later, we met at my house for our study, and I presented her with two vibrators in a gift bag: one smooth, one in the shape of a penis. She was taken aback, but I determined I was going to give her the full experience of a Christian view of sex if it was the last thing I did.
We talked about masturbation, and I explained that it was not a sin, and she accepted that. Here is where MH comes in. I explained that one night each week, I would send her one or more erotic stories (usually from MH). I would ask her to think about the story and imagine that she was doing this activity with her future Christian husband. As she imagined the scene in great detail, she would use her fingers or one of the vibrators in a way that I instructed and masturbate herself to orgasm. When she was done, she was required to briefly explain to me by e-mail what she thought was most exciting about the stories, what she thought about during masturbation, how her orgasm felt, and what exciting ideas this gave her as she anticipated married sex with the partner God someday led her to. She would write this up, email it back to me, and then she could go to sleep. She was an avid journal writer so this came quite natural to her.
At first I had a hard time getting her to be transparent and open in her writing, but I assured her that no one would ever read these emails but me. She slowly began to respond. The intense sexuality of Christians at MH really opened her eyes, and she really began to get into it.
Her mother would NEVER DREAM of taking this bold approach, but I felt it was what she needed, and when she saw that I was not ashamed and that other Christians really enjoyed their God-given passion, she was deeply affected by it.
I had her envision and we talked about her future wedding night, different sex positions, oral sex, anal sex, and exciting her lover with passionate “dirty talk.” I talked with her about how men identified with their penis and semen, and how they needed their wives to be accepting of this. I spoke of being a “hot wife” who would come to crave her husband’s cock and love his semen, allowing him to come on her breasts, on her face, or in her mouth, if he desired. We talked about swallowing, lingerie, tying each other to the bed, acting out fantasies with her man, and all the things they might choose to do to keep their sexuality fresh and spicy. All of this would be with a man who would love and respect her.
Lindy loved this. She really changed he mind and attitude about “Christian sex.” She got involved in youth group again and began to own her Christian spirituality. We began praying for her future husband and how God would lead them together.
Below I will give you a summary of some of the assignments I gave her. I will not reveal what she wrote back to me, because I promised it would always be confidential, but you can imagine how she passionately responded.
Lindy, Tonight I want you to lock your door after your parents are asleep upstairs. I have several stories I want you to read. They are about foreplay followed by regular sexual intercourse. Read them slowly, imagining every detail —what do these Christian couples say, do, and feel? Think about how this will be you someday. Read them through once and then go back and read them again, gently masturbating as you think about every sight, sound, taste, and feeling they experienced.
Now take off all of your clothes and move to your bed with only your night light on. I want you to think back through the stories, reliving them in your imagination as you stimulate yourself. I know you can bring yourself to orgasm very quickly, so I want you to take your time, savoring the excitement. Linger just on the edge of climax and pause before building back up to orgasm several times. As the characters in your love scene talk, I urge you to say the words right out loud in your most passionate voice, the way you will speak to your husband-lover someday.
As you come to your climax, lift your legs into the air and spread them very wide. You are going to leave them spread as wide as possible until you come. Put the penis-shaped vibrator into your vagina and firmly and slowly pump it in and out, imagining that it is your husband’s warm stiff penis. What does he whisper in your ear? As you begin to orgasm, I want you to talk right out loud for the entire length of your climax, saying something like, “I’m coming, honey! Fuck me harder! Fuck me, baby! Oh, Fuck! Oh, Fuck! Fuck!” Say this right out loud, over and over—your sexy and passionate words will excite both you and your lover.
Now, I want you to write back to me describing your favorite parts of your imagined experience. Describe what his cock looked like. Was it shiny and wet? What did it feel like in your mouth during foreplay. What did it feel like when he licked your clitoris? What did you say to him?
What was your climax like?
Tell me in exact words what you said to him when you had your orgasm. Did you actually say it out loud as instructed?
Thank God for His creative power, for marriage, and for the wonders of love and lovemaking.
Email back your report, and then have a good sleep. Sweet dreams, Lindy—Love ya’ !
How’s it going, girl? I want you to go to the kitchen and warm a small cup of milk. Put it in an insulated mug. Tonight’s stories all feature oral sex—giving and receiving. I think the last one is especially exciting! Follow your usual procedure of locking your door and reading and then slowly re-reading while gently stimulating yourself. Now move to your bed and lay there naked, as you think back through the stories, remembering the details of what they did and said and felt, dwelling on what excites you the most.
Imagine performing fellatio on your husband. Suck on the penis-shaped dildo, and use your other hand to rub your clitoris as you imagine what you will do to him. Your husband will love it if you actually play with your clitoris while you suck him, knowing that it turns you on! Imagine sucking up and down the warm shaft until it is wet and so hard. You take your time and stroke up and down his hard, shaft while you lick and suck around the head and frenulum with your wet tongue and lips. This is making you so wet and turned on! As you look up at his face, you relish the rapture in his eyes as your sucking gives him so much pleasure. What do you say to him, Lindy? Do you say, “I LOVE sucking your big hard cock, baby! It turns me on so much!” Think of some other things to say that will turn you both on and say them right out loud, the way you imagine you will say them to your lover-husband someday. He begs you to keep sucking until he comes, and you agree because you love it when you can taste his orgasm, and you know how he just adores coming in your mouth. Lindy, imagine what it feels and tastes like as his cock swells and how he groans and trembles as he spurts over and over into your mouth. Now imagine that he tells you he wants you to hold his come in your mouth until you begin to come yourself.
Lindy, put some of the warm milk in your mouth and hold it there as you finish, imagining that it is your man’s love cream. I want you to spread your legs very wide. Imagine he is just devouring your pussy, thrusting his tongue all the way into you and then rapidly licking up to your clit to suck passionately. Now I want you to use the vibrator on your clit. Turn it up quite high, and as you are about to come, leave it directly on your clitoris. Sometimes when your lover licks you, it is so intense it seems unbearable, but you can’t control what your lover is doing, so you just enjoy it. The vibrator will simulate this intensity of keeping your legs spread and letting him lick you over the brink. Lindy, your assignment is to keep the vibrator on your clitoris as long as possible—the entire time if you can bear it. Keep bucking and thrusting your hips up and down into the vibrator, imagining that you are thrusting your pussy up into his mouth as you react to and relish his hungry licking and sucking. As you explode in orgasm, swallow the milky come in your mouth, perhaps letting some of it run out of your mouth and down your lips and face. Now you can moan out loud, and say something like, “Oh, baby, I’m coming! Keep licking, baby! Oh fuck. Fuck, oh Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
As you finish, lie there as your breathing comes back to normal. This is the married passion and pleasure that God gives us as His gift. Thank Him for it.
Write to me about what you loved the most about your imaginary tryst. What did he feel like and taste like when he came? What did it feel like as he licked you to orgasm? What did you say out loud as you came? After emailing me, have sweet dreams. Love you! Carol
I’ve gone on too long. I probably did twenty “assignments” like this about regular intercourse. I did 10 or 11 about oral sex in different situations. I did 6 or 7 on anal sex (where I had her use the penis shaped vibrator to gently ‘masturbate’ her anus in several different positions while she used the other vibrator or her fingers to bring herself to orgasm.) Anal was a very good way to illustrate to her how adventuresome Christians can be when it comes to married sex.
I had a whole list of single topics: Sex on the beach, sex in the woods, at night in the backyard, favorite fantasies, etc. I had Lindy make up these scenarios, and she became increasingly open and passionate about what Christian married sex could be. Lindy seemed to own and enjoy everything, getting very eager to be married. I think she is going to be a very passionate and sexual Christian wife and lover.
Lindy went off to a Christian college last fall. She is on the lookout for God’s gift of the right mate. I keep urging her to be patient. When she came back after her first semester, she asked if we could resume our “marriage lessons.”
I told her that I felt it was time for her to continue to mature on her own. I don’t know that I can teach her anything more. We still get together and talk—about boys, life, and spiritual things. And she is praying hard for the “right man.” He doesn’t know how lucky he will be!
Was my aggressive approach a good thing? In this situation, I felt I needed a very bold and direct approach since she was on the verge of shipwreck. It worked out better than I could ever have imagined. It might be too strong for a more typical 18-year-old. Would this kind of approach work with other kids, or would it be too much? Thoughts?
This worked well because I was a trusted mature friend, but not a parent. I think it might be too intense for some children to get directly from their parents—just too awkward. Am I right on this?
I would be interested in your opinions.
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