My Wife, the Sex Advice Giver?
My wife and I are generally considered by others to have a perfect marriage. We do not, in fact. We have our struggles too; but, yeah, it’s pretty amazing. Her friends, in particular, seem to look at our marriage as storybook.
One of my wife’s best friends—also a surgeon at the hospital—has come to her for advice, specifically sex advice. Her name is Jennifer, she’s 40, and she’s been married to her husband for about 12 years. They have three kids. Jennifer is a very attractive woman, but she’s quite feisty, and I have seen with my own eyes occasional friction with her husband. But they seem to be in love. Their sex life, apparently, isn’t fulfilling at all.
Somehow, Jennifer has gathered that Lauren and I have an exciting sex life. We kind of do, so she guessed right! She’s asked Lauren all kinds of questions, and Lauren has been generous in her responses and the information she’s provided. Like I said, they are close friends.
It all started when Jennifer noticed in the women’s locker room at the hospital that Lauren shaves her vagina bare. I happen to know from Lauren that Jennifer is in fact almost full bush, and the thought of going bare down there is pretty crazy to her. Lauren has told me everything they’ve discussed (as far as I can tell.) Jennifer asked Lauren why she shaves her vagina bare, and Lauren told her it’s to feel sexy and to turn me on. (I have on many occasions told Lauren I am fine with a landing strip, but she seems quite content to go bare down there).
That question then led to many other questions over coffee, between patients, over lunch, etc. Jennifer disclosed to Lauren that she and her husband have sex maybe once a month, and it’s uninspired. It’s always in the missionary position. Also, Jennifer has shared that she has a hard time swallowing his semen. He hasn’t bought her anything sexy in years. He’s typically too tired to have sex. She rarely gets to orgasm. She’s bought lots of toys for self-pleasure to keep herself sane and feels like her sex life now is mostly centered around masturbation.
Yes, I now know all of this about my wife’s friend. Did I mention that her husband is a friend of mine? Interesting.
Now here’s where it gets dicey for me. From these conversations, Jennifer now knows a whole lot about Lauren and me…and also just me. It wouldn’t bother me if all Jennifer knew was how often we get it on. It wouldn’t bother me if Lauren gave Jennifer tips on swallowing or how to suck cock really well. But now apparently she knows:
- We enjoy masturbating together.
- I enjoy cumming on her face.
- I need a lot of blowjobs.
- We enjoy recording some of our sessions. (Jennifer apparently joked about seeing a few of these. I will assume it was a joke, but still…)
- Doggy style is our favorite position. (Jennifer wants more doggy style sex from her husband.)
- We recently experimented with anal sex. (Jennifer is interested.)
- Lauren enjoys being spanked.
So Jennifer now knows a lot—too much, I fear. I do think the information Lauren has shared has been helpful to Jennifer in talking with her husband about what she wants. But things now feel kind of awkward. I saw Jennifer only last weekend when she dropped something off at our house for Lauren, and I felt a bit embarrassed.
I told Lauren I felt a little uncomfortable with Jennifer knowing so much. She said it was no big deal.
Looking for some advice. Is it a big deal that Lauren shared so much, even if it was to help her friend?
My personal opinion…..
I think it has opened a dangerous door. Maybe this can be "healed" by setting up an open discussion with the 4 of you together.
Thanks. I don't think there's any danger with Lauren and me. A discussion involving Jennifer's husband would be out of the question. Lauren has since told me she and her friends share all kinds of info with each other. I now know, for example, that apparently all of them except Jennifer shave their vaginas bare.
It seems to me that what matters most is how you feel about it. If it's a big deal to you, then it is one for your relationship. But does it *have* to be?
I think that one goal of this site is to encourage a mindset that sex is normal and safe to discuss without creating awkwardness or improper longing. I suppose it will feel weird when it happens not on the internet but in person—at least, at first. But I don't think it has to remain that way. Like nudism, frank conversations can be healthy and non-threatening in the right setting. (I don't recommend they take place privately between two unmarried members of the opposite sex, though… your wife with her husband or vice versa. But same-sex conversations on deep, even personal, subjects are supported by scripture, don't you think?)
There is always a risk in openness. The problem here is that your "openness" seems to have been involuntary. Then again, so was her husband's. Let us hope all involved will "do unto others" as they'd have done. Are you afraid of her judgment—or her husband's? Do you question her discretion? Is there a sense that anyone involved will be tempted to act inappropriately? Or do you just feel weird about knowing and being known in this vulnerable way by people you hang out with, especially without your express permission?
I love that she didn't talk about you secretly; she shared the conversations with you after the fact. But I hope your concerns will be honored by your wife from here on out. In the best-case scenario, she would have gotten your blessing *before* sharing intimate details involving you (as you would before sharing with others about her, I guess), but the risks may be minimal with a trusted friend. The biggest one, as I see it, is a familiarity that leads to the crossing of important boundaries in marriage. But my take on it is, no doubt, colored by my own past.
Thanks! I don't at all think anyone will act inappropriately. Lauren and I are kinky, yes, but we are strictly monogamous and no one else is welcome in our bedroom.
Thank you for sharing this situation with us. First I agree with CHL that there needs to be more openness for people to discuss these things; to help one another build better marriages. There are two types of these discussions: one is one party seeking counsel from another to help with issues in their marriage. The other is a mutual discussion on the joys of our sex life. Your situation would seem to be mostly the former. In either of these, there has to be some amount of boundaries depending on the relationship and the level of trust. Those boundaries may move as the relationship progresses over time. I think your situation is a great opportunity for you and your wife to discuss this. From your stories it seems clear that you two have a very healthy relationship and have good communication, so use that. From what you shared I have a few concerns. First, you said, “ I told Lauren I felt a little uncomfortable with Jennifer knowing so much. She said it was no big deal.” Maybe it’s not to her but it is to you, so she needs to respect that. Discuss what boundaries you are comfortable with, whether it is just this situation because of who they are (you’re friends with the husband, for example). Is it just too new for you and you need time to get comfortable with that much info being shared? Discuss those things. She can still advise other women without lots of details.
Another concern is that she may have told you too much. Again, I agree with CHL that it’s good she told you what she told her friend, but I don’t think she needed to tell you all that her friend said. Personally, I don’t need to know which of my wife’s friends shave their pussies.
I could probably ramble on a lot more, but I won’t. Don’t discourage her from helping though, but talk about it so that she can do it and you can be comfortable with it. It would be tragic to help someone improve their marriage and damage your own in the process.
I will end with saying the trust issue is a really big factor. We live in a world that has lost most of its discretion and privacy. People are conditioned by tv and social media to be vindictive. If the relationship with her friend took a bad turn, could what she shared be damaging? I realize there is a risk in any relationship, but it does have to be weighed.
I think the important thing to realize is this is not all about you. Lauren, more than anyone, probably has the most to gain by having a friend she can open up to about all sexual topics. I have one such friend. We know all the intimate details. And yes, the wives do have a tinge of embarrassment when we see each other in person, but it’s only an initial hangup, you can push past that and still be normal around each other.
I agree. My wife had a similar experience at her gym recently. She noticed a cute woman around her age that was totally shaved and she admitted to me it looked “really hot.”
So I find out a week later that she shaved her bush – and this woman commented to her that she looks really cool down there and “don’t you love it?"
Those were the first words besides hi and bye the two ever had.
All I can tell you is, I spend a lot more time between her legs now and as a result, she now is able to throat my larger-than-average cock.
She doesn’t swallow as she always enjoyed facials.
Mmmm, I have some business to attend to now …
FunJames, from what my wife has shared with me, most women she sees in the locker room are shaved bare down there. That she is bare has always driven me wild and I sometimes call her a "bad girl" in bad if I've noticed her pussy is especially silky smooth. She'll invariably say, "it's no big deal. Most women do it." I don't know. Do they? Lauren says yes.
Funjames I agree it is super hot. My wife just started shaving bare and it gets me so worked up.
This is awesome… my wife just started shaving in the last 6 months. I’ve never had more cravings to eat her pussy!! It’s amazing!! She likes it too!!
Of course how YOU feel about what your wife has shared with her friend is what matters most. But still, since you asked for advice (or our opinions on this topic) here is mine.
I think we are way too mute in this subject. As a society we act like married sex is a dirty little secret. It shouldn’t be thought of that way. What we do sexually with our spouse is sanctioned by heaven. (& it is also a little bit of Heaven on Earth!).
When we share somewhat with others we can enhance their knowledge. Knowledge and ideas about sex and sexual things we can try out in our own marriage is part of what MH is all about. It is also about celebrating the joys of married sexual intimacy.
If I thought that everything my wife and I do in the bedroom (or other fun places) was to never be shared then I’d never write stories for MH. Most of my stories are OUR true experiences.
I find that many true stories that other MH members have shared have been very inspiring… & even uplifting.
I suppose that many Christians would disagree with me on this, but some would agree as well.
Personally, I think we should be more open in order to destigmatize the subject. It’s time Christians celebrated this wonderful gift that we have with our spouse. I will add that this kind of conversation should be done in ways that will treat the topic of sex with respect and I agree with CrazyHapoyLoved that I would not discuss it one on one in private with a member of the opposite sex.
Thank you! Love your perspective. Jennifer and her husband are both in a Christian marriage and I have never considered that advice and info Lauren may be sharing with her, though graphic and "private," may actually be helping another Christian marriage get to a better place. Thank you!
One more interesting thing that happened with us is our married daughter felt comfortable enough to share with us a type of sex toy she had bought for her husband. (We immediately went and bought one.). It was great that we had the kind of relationship where our daughter could feel comfortable enough with the subject to share the information with us. I told her about the type of flavored lube we had discovered. (Aloe Cadabra).
This is so awesome. Having that with children is essential! Ours found a few of mine and Parker’s sex toys recently and we used it as an opportunity to educate and recommend. I’ll have to try that lube too!
I think your concerns are valid! Whenever your conscience perks up, it’s worth asking yourself why. However, it’s also worth refining our consciences by trimming away the things that aren’t wrong and could provide some help!
Personally, I don’t know what I’d do without my group of girls that I talk to about my sex life with Parker. Boundaries should be chosen together and not in your absence, however, which is why Parker knows and approves of everything I tell my girl friends!
Knowledge isn’t the enemy, as long as everyone honors the trust they’re given.
Thank you! Of late, I have learned quite a bit about Lauren's friends and their marriages. That is for sure. And it seems Jennifer knows A LOT. Trust is key, as you said.
We have some friends, who know much of what we do, and it's not a big deal to me.
First thought is, I do trust my wife's judgement on who she tells that kind of stuff to.
Another thought, is pretty much, 'so what?' Would it be a concern if one of them ran around and told other people, 'hey, did you know that Tulsa likes to jack off on Mrs. Tulsa's tits?'. Maybe that someone else would go home and jack off on his wife's tits. Maybe his wife would like it! 🙂
Which, is my third thought, and that's if it's helping another couple, what could be wrong with that? That's how we ended up having many conversations with the couple we know. Started out with just the wives, but later her husband had 20 questions.:)
In our whole pile of conversations, it did indeed help them.
Thank you! As I mentioned to LovingMan above, Jennifer and her husband are both in a Christian marriage and I have never considered that advice and info Lauren may be sharing with her, though graphic and "private," may actually be helping another Christian marriage get to a better place. By the way, I did learn from Lauren literally yesterday that Jennifer has now shaved her vagina bare and apparently it made an impression on her husband. So that's good!
Well, that one little piece of info your wife shared, may be the thing that awakens her husband, and head them to a much better place!
I remember the first time Mrs Tulsa shaved herself bare. My face was attached to her pussy for hours!
Yes. It could open the door to swinging. But, sharing information like that is good. It may help them. Remember: God is in control and has everything worked out.
So we would never swing BUT I am not above admitting that this new info I have about Jennifer hasn't triggered some sexual impulses and that makes me uncomfortable. Lauren has always had a playful side when it comes to things like this but she would never cross the line–ever.
I agree with everyone saying there needs to be more discussion amongst Christians about the subject. It should be within the church that we learn about sex not outside.
I very much understand your feelings. My wife has shared a lot of intimate details within her Christian friends and at first I felt weird about it but these other women seemed to really crave the openness and discussion about such an closed topic. I know at least one of the women tried some new things with her husband because of it.
As far as the uncomfortable new impulses, have you shared these feelings with your wife? As is often the mantra on here, lust is the action not the arousal. If you are confident that you nor your wife will transition into any forbidden actions, then it comes down to the question of how comfortable is she with the thoughts the information about other women may instigate. The situation is not too dissimilar than going to the beach with your wife and seeing a very attractive scantily clad woman. Does it cause an issue? Would your wife want to cover your eyes because she is worried what you might start thinking? The beach babe will walk on and never know you existed but her brief presence may leave longer impact depending on the relationship between you and your wife.
If you share these impulses with your wife she will either confirm that they are problematic and help to prevent them or assure you that they are not an issue to feel concerned about.
Jennifer and her husband are close friend of yours. If Lauren and yours sexual bliss can rub off your friends dull sex period,it will help their marriage. You should engage her husband. Have a talk on how are things in the bed room. Maybe he will learn something from you and apply those on his wife. Only Jennifer is getting all the juicy details of your bedroon shenanigans. Show them the ropes.
So I'll be honest and admit I worry what could happen if we "show them the ropes." Jennifer is very attractive. Lauren is hot. Some details have already been shared. I worry showing them the ropes could bring on some temptations we need to avoid. Just being honest.
Valid concern, imho. But showing them the ropes doesn't have to include actual "showing". Open couples' discussion *with clearly set boundaries* could be beneficial (if desired by both members of both couples), but if those aren't set and firmly held by all involved, lines can be crossed—especially if inhibitions have been lowered with alcohol. Letting the discussion remain between the ladies might do enough good. If you felt comfortable engaging the other husband, that might help, too. It's so important to know ourselves and be aware of our weakpoints, and for our spouses to honor our desire to avoid tempting situations.
Question, if you met someone whose stories you've read on MH (and they were attractive looking to you), would you struggle with becoming friends with them. Is it the level of intimate knowledge plus proximity that is causing you problems? Maybe explaining that to your wife would help her understand how much information to share with you.
You might also consider whether she tells you what she does in *order* to titillate you—or test you. In any case, if you are struggling, let her know that you need her help as much if not more than her friend does.
Hey CrazyHappyLoved. Thanks for the great advice and questions. It's generally understood that Jennifer is smoking hot. The knowledge I now have of her, and the knowledge Jennifer has about Lauren and me, definitely has resulted in me feeling that it's best that we avoid showing the ropes to them. That I know Jennifer is now shaving her pussy in and of itself has led to thoughts I am trying to put aside, and I'll spare you the details but Lauren knows this knowledge is a turn-on to me. That Jennifer looks to my wife as a rode model for what it is to be a woman and a sexual wife is in and of itself tempting as far as my thoughts and fantasies. If push came to shove, I am sure Lauren and I could keep our distance from them but I don't know about Jennifer…… Her husband–who knows? As for your question about being friends with women on here if we ever met, there are some women on here whose stories really get me hot so I'm not sure I could just be friends with them without some temptations and fantasies creeping in.
That's kind of what I thought you were expressing. And it is important to know about yourself! It helps you know where to draw the lines between what's just for "us two" and what we can share with others.
But it sounds like the two of you need to be on the same page about it, if hearing about her coversations is making it hard for you to do what you feel is right in Jennifer's presence. If knowing just turns you on and that passion is all for Lauren, that's one thing. If it makes you seriously consider making moves on (or excepting advances from) someone else… well, seems like a no-brainer not to put your spouse in that position.
As it stands now, they are just tantalizing thoughts. You know sexy stuff about her, and you know that she has similar information about you and your wife. That's a turn on. Normal. And you feel certain that both you and Lauren can avoid taking it further. So unless either Jennifer or her husband makes a move to take things to a different level, there really is nothing to worry about.
But if that stimulating thought becomes a desire for action, that's where the danger lies, the "lust" we are warned against. And it's why some couples have to draw their lines so much further back than others to. I hope your wife will take your concerns seriously and appreciate your wanting to keep your sexual thoughts purely on her.
You have no reason to be concerned or embarrassed. The only possible issue is if Jennifer suddenly decides that you're the guy who should handle her sexual needs.
The problem here is communication between Jennifer and her husband. This kind of thing happens. When a couple is going together, the woman tends to set rules for what is and is not allowed in the sexual area, largely out of concern that her man will think she is a slut. Many times, some of these barriers go away during the honeymoon period — but some won't. Each of them will have things they may want, but the barriers have hardened — and both of them become concerned that if they reveal their desires, it will damage their committed relationship. This can be tough to get around.
Since you know the husband, you might be able to draw him out some with 'man talk,' discussing things you and your wife do, and getting his opinion on them. If you get him to open up to you, you can make suggestions and encourage him, even let him know that Jennifer had revealed to your wife that she is interested in certain things.
Of course, he could have issues — ED, for instance. That can be extremely embarrassing, and might be something he would be unable to share even with another man, but you never know. Clearly, there are things that can be done for conditions such as this. They're not always successful, but if that's the case, he might need to think about bringing in some outside help.
Last, but not least, his disinterest COULD be because he's getting his outside the marriage — something he may or may not be comfortable revealing to you. But if you can get him to open up, you and your wife could be the channel through which Jennifer and her husband resume open communications.