Any advice for a single with a high sex drive while they wait?

I’m in my late 20’s, and waiting till marriage is difficult when casual sex seems to be the norm everywhere now. I’m still a virgin but have a sex drive that feels insane. When I’ve viewed erotic material in my weaker moments, I’ve masturbated multiple times in a single day.

It’s very frustrating because I feel as though I can’t talk about it with anyone. I can’t really get to know anyone with whom I could talk openly about these struggles. I go back and forth on my opinions about if I should view nudity while I masturbate or porn, and I still don’t really know how I feel about it. I’m still working through that (but that’s not what this topic is about, and it’s been talked about to death on here).

It’s so strange to me that there aren’t many Christian sites where members can talk openly about these types of topics. I’ve tried a few, and this, by far, seems to be the most active despite the heavy moderation (which I understand is by design). There just seems to be this gaping hole online when it comes to addressing single people’s sexual needs and the frustrations of trying to wait.

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21 replies
  1. Honeymooners says:

    I'm so sorry you're struggling. My advice would be to remove all temptations. Focus on God and pray. We have sex drives for a reason. God created it. Sex is beautiful but only within a marriage between husband and wife. Porn is not something you should watch. Not only is it not real but it cheapens the sanctity of sex. It's not good to watch and you can become addicted to it. Pray for your future spouse. God is listening to you. God has your spouse for you. Focus on things that can strengthen your relationship with God. Focus on things you're interested in. Waiting is hard but I can tell you it's worth it. Casual sex is brainwashed into our society as good. Of course people think this is good when that's what they've been told. It's not good.. Focus on God's words not society. Keep your circle of believers around you. I'm praying for you.

    My sister is 31 years old and is still waiting for God to give her a spouse. She is saving all of herself for marriage. It's not easy but she reminds herself that it will be worth it on her wedding day. She is not solely focus on a finding a spouse and takes time to do the things she loves. God will tell her when her spouse comes along. For now she tries to keep focus on God's other gifts to the world. She has a garden. She sings. She connects with other young women at church. She keeps a journal to write down her feelings. She posts verses from the Bible on her wall. You're not alone. Hugs

    • WakaWaka123 says:

      I actually feel like the opposite is true. Most of the sites seem catered to women. Ive also noticed lots of women (who are married) on sites like themarriagebed forums (i'm pretty active there). One of my frustrations is, there is no way to talk about this stuff without feeling like a perv most of the time.

  2. LovingMan says:

    Many of us have been in your situation. My advice will not match some other MH readers’ advice. But here goes:
    I’d say first to pray for guidance/inspiration and work to become the best person you can be so you’ll be ready for your future spouse. Also pray that your spouse will show up. And pray for your future spouse… who is certainly facing their own challenges in their life.
    As far as pornography… I’d say to avoid it. I think that most pornography drives the Holy Spirit away. For one thing a lot of pornography depicts unmarried couples and often group sex. On the other hand I think we Christians are way too prudish about the nude human form. (Nudity can be non-sexual too.). (& sexual nudity in your future sexual relationship with your spouse will be glorious!) I even think that our bodies are God’s greatest creation.
    There is, in MY opinion, nothing wrong with taking care of your sexual needs by masturbation. But I would advise you to think of or imagine your time with your future wife as you masturbate.
    I think reading stories on MH is also probably acceptable for you because we MH writers are writing about wonderful and passionate God-sanctioned sex within the bonds of marriage.
    I agree with you that the Christian community needs to be more open about this topic. Hence the existence of MarriageHeat.

  3. MiSWRAPP says:

    There is a lot of wonderful advice already here so I just have a suggestion and some thoughts. Some of the best inventions created, books written, etc., were because someone recognized a void and then set out to fill it. Maybe part of coping with the struggle and lack of resources for Christian singles could be for you to create what is currently missing? You could start a website, Whatsapp group, Tumblr etc. where singles could interact and have those conversations. Like you, I have found that there is not enough support for Christian singles.

    In my experience as a single woman, it’s much easier to be content with where I am, when I’m thinking about others instead of my yet to be fulfilled longings. When I was in high school, I could not find the type of support that I needed as a Christian young adult, online or at my church. So I started a blog and by helping others, that helped me and my relationship with God tremendously.

    Echoing the others, you’re not alone in being single and sexually frustrated. I'm in my 20s too, and lately, I’ve been struggling myself, so I know how it feels. For me, masturbation takes care of my sex drive but still leaves me longing for that connection with someone else. Personally, I’ve been leaning on God to stay thankful and at peace with where I am. Being single and not having the intimacy that we desire is not always easy. Yet every day, we rise and are blessed to see another day that holds endless opportunities for enjoying the life that we currently have and meeting new people. We just never know how close we may be to getting boo’d up :)! The beautiful thing about life is that there are seasons and a new spring is always up ahead. Although “up ahead” may sometimes feel a long way off.

    It’s cliché but you and the married life that you desire are worth the wait and short-term frustration. Hang in there…I’ll be praying for you!

    • WakaWaka123 says:

      I'm actually a fairly creative person, Ive done a bit of musical stuff in my time but its never really filled that hole. I'm pretty sure my love language is touch and quality time, 2 things you can't really get satisfied with from friends or various other interest.

      I wish there was a space like you mentioned but I don't think I'm the person to make it. Frankly it would be a nightmare to try and moderate. There are simply too many trolls and creepy people online and I don't have the patience to deal with them lol. For now I'll stick to sites like this or themarriagebed forums though there are not many singles in either place!

      Masturbation, for me, doesn't actually seem to help with my sex drive. In fact if anything it just makes it stronger. I think at my core what I'm desiring is less sex itself and more the context in which sex should occur.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      "I think at my core what I'm desiring is less sex itself and more the context in which sex should occur."

      Very insightful! Kinda makes me think of how God put sugar in fruit, which is good for us, but we take the sugar out and add it to stuff we make ourselves that's less healthy…

  4. Always Horny says:

    Hey wassup my bro, I hear you in what you’re sharing. You are so loved man, we are all broken.

    I relate to this post so much. I’m 32. I was married when I was 23 for 3.5yrs, I was a virgin. It was soooooo worth the wait bro. When I looked over at my bride the morning after our wedding night I cried in thankfulness to God for the incredible treasure that I gazed upon, that he created.

    It broke me when my wife left me a few years later for a homosexual relationship. I was forced to be single again. Has been super difficult the last 6yrs having been exposed to intimacy in marriage & then it literally stopping over night.

    I have a huge, hungry sex drive. I’ve never crossed into being with someone else outside of marriage since I was married but I have struggled with porn again at different times. I have had online conversations with women that have been super inappropriate to try & fill that hole that I felt inside myself.

    The counterfeit intimacy never worked man. The porn, the sexting, no matter how much I jerk off, there’s no real fulfilment in that. It’s a temporary fix for a deeper heart issue.

    I encourage you to be open & raw in your prayer life with Jesus, find complete security & desire in His word. It will begin to shape your perspectives, you’ll find solace in the characters & stories of the Bible that you’re not alone.

    Search your spirit & mind with God to discover how you can spend time serving other people around you, how you can model trusting in Jesus & His faithfulness & exercising self control, strength, courage, consistency to Jesus & His absolute truth.

    I’m for you bro, I believe in you man. We’re in this fight together, I wish I could grab details off you but I know this site doesn’t allow that, so just know you’re not alone & we hear you.

    Also there’s this dope book called – Chasing Love | Sex, Love & Relationships in a Confused Culture by a guy called Sean McDowell. This book has been like water to this soul bro. I encourage everyone, especially singles like us to read it & think through it 💪🏻💪🏻

    Bless you bro. Peace & Love 🤙🏻🤙🏻🤙🏻

  5. San10 says:

    Hi WakaWaka123
    I understand how you feel.
    Don't be so hard on yourself
    If you don't like your present situation, then it is time for you to put in hard work and achieve what you truly desire.
    No amount of advice might satisy you and that is why you need to put in effort to pursue what you want.
    What you desire is not only sex but intimacy and companionship.
    There are lots of Christian dating sites. Why not explore that option more. Be honest about your profile in the dating site. You will find like minded people like you. Then go on dates with them and pick the one u feel would be best. Please note that no woman is perfect. But you be should be able to find attitutes that you can adapt to and the ones you can't tolerate. No amount of advice here will satisfy you. My simple advice is to work your way to your heart desires.

  6. Peterpan says:

    Last year, MH sent an email to all subscribers of this great website. They did a poll about your opinion and what you missed the most here. I asked for a 'single section'. Although we all know MH is about Christian marriage and Christian sexuality. I asked if it was possible to some sort of single section in a forum kinda form. And call it 'Singleheat' for example. Cause as single, including myself, we have aches and yearnings too. But maybe other people have other ideas. As said earlier in one of the comments, SOTB is a great and masturbation positive website too!!

    • WakaWaka123 says:

      Ive been a member on SOTB (and for a bit the spinoff MotB) but left it at one point becuase I wanted a break. Ive applied to rejoin multiple times with no luck :/

    • Fearless Lunk says:

      The spin-off MOTB site actually shut down a week ago. Your old login for SOTB should still work, even if you deactivated.

    • WakaWaka123 says:

      @Fearless Lunk

      I have been a member on SOTB for quite a while, and hadn't logged into the other for even longer. I had deleted my account from both so I'm having to re go through registration. I haven't got an email from them so I'm kinda worried I won't be accepted back in again 🙁

  7. Always Horny says:

    I know this is my opinion and it's subjective but I highly discourage single men and women from becoming members of Song of the Believers community or especially the other side called Myrrh of the Believers who have individuals who are drawn to the site that are (porn & open relationships affirming). I was apart of both communities for only a short few days and if you know your own heart and the weaknesses in it towards temptation leading to sinful actions then I implore you avoid these communities, I know I should have and I didn't.

    Instead I gave into the loneliness, that wanting to be heard, seen, turned on in sexting, all selfish reasons and lacking self control which is contrary to scripture because the word of God has called us to self control and so much more. Stick with Marriage Heat. Join face to face groups in your church community to discuss your struggles and desires. There are other ways of dealing with things appropriately.

    'Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. '
    Proverbs 4:23

    • MarriageHeat says:

      We would caution that any online or face-to-face interaction could become a snare depending on the particular stumbling blocks of the people involved. Even MH stories can lead someone to become discontent with their own spouse rather than serve as an encouragement for deeper thought and communication about how each spouse can better meet the needs of the other.

      But we do see the potential benefit of open and shameless communication about sex within marriage within the Christian community—supporting each other in our struggles and rejoicing in each other's successes. MH and, as we understand it, the main forums on SotB are about doing that publicly rather than privately in DMs, which may pose more of a temptation for some. The Marriage Bed is another forum for such discussions, with perhaps stricter controls on public posts but also including direct messaging.

      We caution MHers to examine motivation, gauge temptation, weigh benefits to the marriage, and not to lean on others outside the marriage to meet needs that a spouse should.

    • WakaWaka123 says:

      its been a while since I was on SOTB but in my shot time there I didn't run into what your talking about, even in DM's. That said your millage may vary.

  8. Always Horny says:

    At MH & WakaWaka123

    Fair comments 🙏🏻 As I said my opinion was subjective & parts of my encounters on there 🤙🏻

    100% agree that everything should be weighed up & checked against scripture, then personal responsibility taken accordingly to what choice a person makes 💪🏻

    Respect 🙏🏻

  9. TheThinker says:

    For anyone feeling tempted by porn, here's an amazing sex-positive organization that helps educate people about the dangers of porn. I've followed them for years, and they've helped me through a lot of tough times [link approved by MH: https://fightthenewdrug.org/%5D

    I am also a single Christian guy in my mid-20s. I agree when a lot of people here say sex is sacred and that sexuality is a good thing. I do believe God created sex for marriage and to be enjoyed with your God-given spouse. I've struggled a lot with my sexuality. For a long time, I felt that I had to suppress it and resist it like it was some malicious part of me, but I've come to realize that's not a healthy view of a God-given gift. I've heard all the reasons why it's acceptable and unacceptable. I've thought, "Are guys really not supposed to ejaculate at all before marriage?" This led me to wonder what the purpose of sexuality was, and then specifically pre-marital sexuality.

    The purpose of sexuality is two-fold: procreation and survival of the human race, but also to selflessly share yourself with your spouse and pour your love onto them without any thought of what you're getting in return. This is where the greek word agape comes in. Agape is the total and completely selfless giving kind of love. Sex and sexuality aren't meant to be transactional. It's not meant to be, "Oh, you've cummed, so now it's my turn." So if this is true that masturbation for single people like myself—not bringing about new life or the outpouring of love on your spouse—is outside the purpose of sexuality, is masturbation actually good? Yes, it's true that nowhere in the Bible does the word "masturbation" come up. 1 Corinthians 6 has a lot of good verses on the subject. I go back to 6:12-13 "Everything is permissible for me–but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me–but I will not be mastered by anything. 'Food for the stomach and the stomach for food'–but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body." Just because something is permissible doesn't means it's good.
    Then we come to the question of what is the purpose of pre-marital sexuality if the purposes of sexuality in general don't fit within the reality of a single adult Christian? This is something I struggled with for YEARS!!! I read tons of material from both sides (pro & anti-masturbation). I read about what other people believed pre-marital sexuality is about and deeper into marital sexuality. I read men like CS Lewis, Napolean Hill, & John Eldredge, and others like Pope John Paul II & Pope Francis. Here's what I came up with (this is for male sexuality, as I am a male and have no idea what female sexuality is like):

    1. Develop self-mastery
    2. Practice and grow in patience
    3. Discovering that you can be an impact player, a world changer, a mover and shaker
    4. Preparing for marital sexuality

    I used to think that, whenever I felt the urge to masturbate, I had to; this isn't true. You don't have to be ruled by your desires, you can control them. That mastery over your urges, feelings, desires, and cravings will lead to lots of benefits in other areas of life. This also goes along with what it means to be a real man. A real man is not an impulsive monster of his own urges nor is he a shy pushover. A real man, a man who is acting as God created him to be, is a dangerous man who is in complete control of himself. This is well-illustrated by the story of Beauty and the Beast. The Beast is a frightful creature, feared by many, but the Beauty is attracted to him. And does the Beast abuse her? Does he defile her? Does her assault her? No. But notice how he rescues her from Gaston, the epitome of toxic masculinity. There's a phrase "Demons run when a good man goes to war" because a good man is one who is a dangerous man but is in control to slay his demons and the demons of his loved ones/those around him. Look at Jesus's time on Earth as documented in the Gospel's. The flesh and blood Jesus was a dangerous man, but he had it under 100% voluntary control. Jesus knew whose he was and had faith that his Father would be there for him.

    The male sexuality is a creative force. That's why guys feel so much tension, such a driving energy when aroused. That's why guys like you and me need to realize how much impact we can have on the world, and that doesn't necessarily mean we all have to be a Bill Gates or a Winston Churchill, but men are meant to be world changers. God gave us domain to rule the world. That's why he warns us of fleshy desires—because they detract from our purpose as world changers.
    Marital sexuality is different because wives NEED to know their husbands love them, hence the whole "Husbands, love your wives" verse, which feels incredibly underrepresented in today's culture. Women don't just need to know they are physically loved but, most importantly, emotionally and spiritually loved. The world won't tell you this, but most women are far more emotionally aroused than physically aroused. Women NEED to know they're loved and cared for, and this is where the power of Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages comes in. I think another incredibly helpful passage for you is found in Napolean Hill's famous *Think & Grow Rich.* If you haven't heard of it, please go look it up; he has a whole chapter on sexuality and in it says:

    The desire for sexual expression is inborn and natural. The desire cannot, and should not be submerged or eliminated. But it should be given an outlet through forms of expression which enrich the body, mind, and spirit of man. If not given this form of outlet, through transmutation, it will seek outlets through purely physical channels.

    Transmutation is simply how we channel that driving force, and that's why a typical response to horniness is working out ("Hey man, just go hit the gym and get it out of your system") or cold showers because then your body has to produce a lot more heat to stay warm.

    I don't think masturbating and releasing your seed to the world is beneficial in the long run. This is definitely easier said than done, and I am not married, nor have I been married, but I don't think masturbating pre-marriage is a healthy practice. From one brother in Christ to another, I hope you find the wonderful woman God has intended for you sooner rather than later, but I also hope you become the kind of man that will attract her. Women love confidence, loyalty, and compassion.

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