No Question About My Love

I’ve spoken in some comments about my late wife and her physical struggles, but I want to give you more details and why she never had to question my love for her.

We had a wonderful and adventurous sex life for 25 years, with fun times in our bed, car, traffic, return-home sex after a long deployment, and in public places. But in the late ’90s, my wife came down with a strange condition that the doctors at first said was genital herpes. Now she and I trusted each other wholeheartedly, and we told the doctor that there was no way it was from one of us. He directed us to a doctor at the local university hospital, who identified the condition as Lichen sclerosis, which caused open sores to cover her inner and outer labia and caused her great pain. My wife’s job was such that she had to wear jeans to work, and you can only imagine the pain this caused her. The minute she walked in the door, off came her pants and into a cool bath for her. She was given a steroidal salve for her labia, but she only wore PJ’s when she was home.

Because of the lichen sclerosis, intercourse became all but impossible and even kept me from giving her oral sex because of my beard stubble (plus, the salve tasted awful.) So we resorted to mutual masturbation, which worked very well as long as her vibrator didn’t touch the sores—luckily, her clitoral hood was never affected by the sclerosis. She loved to watch me kneel next to her and jack off, then cum on her breasts.

Things were going okay, but her job was now being affected by her regular absence due to major breakouts of this cruel condition. But in June of ’08, she was on her way to work when traffic came to a halt on the freeway at her exit. That’s when a commercial van plowed into the rear end of her car at 60mph. The injuries she sustained included the fracture of four discs in her back, and she ended up with a 10-inch titanium rod in her back. This ended her job and left her in constant pain, with an addiction to pain killers that she valiantly battled. Now our sex life took another turn because laying flat on her back to masturbate was painful, but we could do it when she was having a good back day.

Throughout all this, I never once considered moving out or leaver her. I loved her more than my own life, and she had raised our children while I worked terrible shifts and during deployments while I was in the military, which I was able to retire from. When we married, it was forever, for better or worse.

Speaking of worse: In August of 2012, I awoke to see her smiling at me, but when I touched her hand, I knew she was dead. Though I was heartbroken to lose her, as a Christian, I knew that she was in a better place and out of pain. She had wanted granddaughters, and though four boys came along before she passed away, the next three grandchildren were all girls. Maybe she had a hand in pausing the future boys and giving the go for those three adorable granddaughters. Oh, and from then on, I didn’t get another granddaughter until this past January, which gives me four granddaughters and seven grandsons.

In 2017, my oldest boy was killed by a drowsy driver on his way to work, leaving three little children. Now I didn’t mention him to get sympathy but to help you understand that faith in our Savior and our Father in Heaven is what carries me through this stage of my life. Though it’s not how I thought my life would go, it’s my life, and I’m going to live it with faith and endless love for my sweet wife.

Live so that if tomorrow someone you love is injured or passes away, you’ll be able to have no regrets about remaining faithful and loving to your dear spouse. And enjoy loving sex while you can. As for me, it’s solo time with memories of my sweetheart and what you wonderful friends write here on MarriageHeat. God bless.

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11 replies
  1. RockyGapMan says:


    Wonderful (but sad story). While I can see why “she never had to question” your love for her, it’s also evident you have that same love for your entire family – and more importantly – our Heavenly Father & LORD.

    While this blog tends to focus on the physical aspect of marriage, I believe your post here makes it clear – that love/connection transcends beyond the ecstatic highs of orgasmic bliss we experience. That physical experience is merely a glimpse/type of what GOD wants us to experience with Him. Paul stated that our husband/wife relationship was a type of Christ’s relationship with the Church – His bride.

    You exemplified Him in the loving & enduring patience you exhibited as you took care of her to the end. Thanks for sharing this story with us. While I’m sure putting this down in writing was both difficult and cathartic, you’ve helped us “check” our priorities and have set a high bar for us.

    Iron sharpens iron. Let us as men attain such a goal as we seek to love our wives and our families – as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.

    • Sarge says:

      Thank you RockyGapMan, I hoped that our story would help all of us put life and love into perspective. God bless.

  2. olddog56 says:

    A sermon I once heard, the pastor said to live to have no regrets. Settle all petty arguments before you go to sleep because you never know when your spouse, mother, father, brother, sister, child, or someone else you love will be called home to be with the Lord. You never want to look back and or think "I wish I would have done more, loved more, forgiven more". Though sometimes it may seem hard to live that way but, that is what is required by LOVE and only possible through faith in our Father.
    I too lost my first wife, it was many years ago to cancer. It was an awful time with many days of tears in the closet knowing there was nothing I could do. I lived that time with only one regret that the doctors didn't allow me to go back with her when we took her to the hospital when she was in terrible pain. She passed and I wasn't able to be by her side. I loved her and took care of her as best as I could through kidney failure, neck surgery, several code blues. We even managed a trip to Hawaii taking her sister with us before she passed. So, live to have no regrets! Tomorrow is not promised to any of us!

    But God is faithful and provided a second wonderful wife. We have been together for 26 years.

    • Sarge says:

      My heart goes out to you for the loss of your first love. People have asked me if I would have preferred the way my wife died, in her sleep, and me not being able to say goodbye, or to know she would be gone so that me and the children could have said farewell. My answer is that it is better for her to have gone this way because it was Gods mercy that took her pain away.
      I’m so happy you’ve found a new love, and I know that in these 26 years you’ve never forgotten the love you had for your first wife, but you’ve also been able to cultivate a lasting, loving relationship with your second wife. God bless.

  3. Maxlove says:

    Man, am I sorry to hear this, but — also glad for two reasons. Mainly, that you loved your wife deeply and she knew she was loved by you. But also glad I came on here exactly when I did. Reason being, I lost my wife of 26 years just last month.

    We, too, loved each other deeply. I am more than a little comforted knowing she's in a far better place, the new heaven, the new earth, in her glorified body — waiting for me, as it were, not as her husband I don't believe, but with that special relationship intact forevermore nonetheless. And in no small part because of the sexual connection and the powerful intimacy that creates.

    I don't know where I'll go from here as far as posting. We talked about everything. The week before she passed, she wanted me to stay close to her all night one night. This was after she was forgetting we were married half the time, confusing me with my other "brothers" of which I have just one. (Undiagnosed dementia.) But for one night, she wanted the intimacy and I'm 100% certain she would have wanted to make love if she were feeling any better physically and mentally. As it was, it was still an incredibly intimate moment, and in its own way, even erotic.

    You have my complete respect, Sarge, and even brotherly love. And sorry about your son — my God. On top of losing your soul mate. Prayers for you, and not just sayin'.

    • Sarge says:

      MaxLove, your pain sits on the very surface being so recent. You have my condolences, and my prayers. Since my wife had worked as a Senior Center Manager, we both saw the terrible tole test dementia and Alzheimer’s takes on people, so while it’s so sad that your loving wife is gone, she does indeed have a perfectly healthy spirit awaiting you, and the resurrection.
      As for posting here on MH, I’ve written a few stories sexual experiences my wife and I had together, and I think it would be a great way of honoring your sweetheart by reflecting on the good and erotic times you’ve shared together. Being single now, I like to read MH to know that others enjoy sexual experiences but to be honest, I use their stories to place my wife and myself into the writers place and or memories to boost my libido for a solo experience.
      God bless you as you move forward my friend.

  4. LovingMan says:

    Sarge and Maxlove, & OldDog56…my prayers go out to you all. My wife and I are still together in mortality. We are both grateful to our Heavenly Father for Him giving us this time together. We manage to enjoy each day together in spite of the multiple severe health conditions we both have.

    Recently we have had to face up to the fact that our health conditions have made it impossible for us to continue to live independently. We are selling our home and moving to a place where we can still be together but without the stress of trying to keep our house up and running.

    Your wives are truly with God and at peace and I believe they will one day welcome you with open arms! Thank you all for having the courage to share You are all truly an inspiration to us all. I heard once that a couple who had been in a concentration camp together defined love as “…what you’ve been through together.”

    • Sarge says:

      Thank you, I do hope that everyone will realize how tenuous life is and that we must cherish every moment we have with out spouses. Live, love, and respect.
      Enjoy having that sexual connection between you are the love of your life.

  5. Maxlove says:

    Thanks, all of you for your comments. They are truly comforting. Sarge, I'll consider honoring my wife the way you suggest. Since I had had some more stories in mind before anyway, probably might as well. Sometimes I'm concerned that my stories seem to be one-note, always returning to the same theme. Then I realize, "not to me, they're not." Thinking too, now that she has departed from this life, and left me with the loving memories, it can actually add some spice, variety, as well as some perspective that will come through in the telling of it.
    All God's best to all of you — olddog56, Lovingman, and RockyGapMan as well.

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