Scheduled or Spontaneous?

The other day, my wife showed me an article about “scheduling” sex. The author recommended that couples schedule when they would have sex and that the consistency and predictability would improve their relationships.

While this is not a new concept to me, it got me thinking. Scheduling sex lets busy couples who struggle to find time for intimacy minimize distractions as they make time for each other. It also makes it easier to prepare things like lingerie, toys, or a romantic candlelit dinner. And for those with mismatched libidos, it gives the spouse with the high sex drive (usually the husband) something to look forward to and the spouse with the low sex drive (usually the wife) time to prepare.

Conventional wisdom would suggest that spontaneous sex is more romantic and passionate. Sure, there’s something to be said for the passion of a couple caught up in the moment who surrender to their desires and make sweet love—Hollywood certainly promotes this idea. However, this tends to happen rarely, especially once the novelty wears off after the honeymoon. It depends on both the husband and wife to be in the mood at the same time, without any romantic preludes (because that would mean it was planned, not spontaneous!), and in a place where they can comfortably act on it. It is also vulnerable to distractions and interruptions. And because of its spur-of-the-moment nature, it is usually (though not always!) shorter and less involved.

In our marriage, it was almost all spontaneous at first. But after the honeymoon phase wore off, sex became less common as we got busy and our libidos got out of sync. She was annoyed by my “constant” asking and I resented her “constant” rejection. We couldn’t rely on spontaneity alone, so we agreed that at least one day a week would be “sex day.” This managed our expectations and our marriage survived to become hotter than ever.

Enough about us. What about you? What are your thoughts on planned or spontaneous sex? Do you prefer it when you or your spouse puts time and effort into preparing for sex? Or would you rather seize those unexpected moments when they arise? Do you have one kind more often than the other? Comment below!

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13 replies
  1. Tulsa says:

    We are into the spontaneous! Never been a ‘It’s Friday, and almost time for the 5:05 to pull into the station’, we are both more into just reaching out and grabbing something, especially when it’s unexpected!

  2. Spicysauce436 says:

    We adopted an every other day schedule a few years back and it has been amazing and very healthy. We have fairly evenly matched sex drives, but every night was getting monotonous. Every other day sets clear expectations as to when we have sex. It also evens out times of mismatched sex drives as we know what the expectations are. It gives us time to prepare, knowing that it's sex night. It also allows for breaks and space. We do allow for flexibility in both directions. Sometimes a spontaneous romp is needed, and sometimes getting home late or sickness cause a delay. However because it is a solid schedule, there is no concern that we missed an opportunity that we don’t know when we will have again because that delay will only be for 1 day. We find this schedule to be incredibly important.

  3. Sarge says:

    Great topic for discussion, thanks for bringing it up.
    After our honeymoon period, and as we were having kids, spontaneous sex was raaaare. It was a bit of contention in our marriage, but we very much loved each other, so infidelity or divorce was never an option. So I just took care of myself.
    Later on as the children were all in school and I was not working day shift, spontaneity started to return. My wife also began working which gave her great satisfaction, pride, and self confidence. Our sex became frequent and hot, very hot. I especially enjoyed waking up to her sucking on my cock. Hot! We still did some scheduled sex for the very reason you mentioned before, preparation of where, toys, lingerie, etc…
    I really miss those days, but I miss her the very most.

  4. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    We don't schedule sex per se. For us, we have just created behaviors over the years basically leading to some kind of sexual activity together every single day except for Mondays, though Mondays can see some sex, too. Some kind of sex is just a part of our daily ritual. That said, when I saw this post, I shared it with Lauren. I then sent her a calendar invite through my phone for a "blowjob for me with a good swallow" that night at a given time. To my delight, she accepted. She then sent me a calendar invite to "eat my pussy and make me cum 3x even if your tongue gets tired," which I accepted. Guess what? It all happened. We got a good laugh out of it. I may now schedule "doggy style sex" with her for later tonight. Fun!

  5. Sarge says:

    I’m kind of late responding to your query.
    My late wife had amazing breasts and nipples too. She had a small mass In one of her beasts that required surgery, it was non cancerous so that was wonderful, but her surgeon said afterwards that, though she was in her forties, she had the breasts on a 20 year old. Now Heidi’s breast were not small, but they were just gorgeous.
    She loved to have me suck, pinch, nibble, and rub pre-cum on them. She especially loved it when I’d pinch and tweak them while eating her out. Also there were many times while we were parked and having oral and mutual masturbation sex in the car, that she would have me go crazy sucking on her nipples which gave her the best masturbation orgasms.
    I miss her, and I miss those beautiful breast of hers.

  6. still in love says:

    When we were first married, working two jobs each, raising a family, etc.; we had to schedule our love making. Took some of the romance out though. "Friday, 6-8pm work for you?. What do you want, oral?. OK. So do I. I'll get the kids off to the sitter".

    Now, it's pure spontaneous. We have little bottles of lube hidden throughout the house, RV, barn and car.

  7. Frankie says:

    Spontaneous worked great until the first baby then there never seemed to be time unless we stole it from some other commitment. Finally we tried scheduling sex each week. That worked good for a while. Then the block of time we set aside seemed to be the only time available if an unexpected event had to have our attention. It seemed like there was always a child's ball game, special homework project or business report due that ate up the allotted time.

    Our solution finally became a combination of spontaneous and scheduled. Scheduled sex became a nearly absolute priority. Sunday afternoon was "nap" time unless someone was close to death. If work required one of us to fly out Sunday, we didn't go unless we could leave later in the evening. If one of our children had a ball game or practice, they couldn't go if it interfered with our Sunday afternoon "nap". If one of the kids knocked on our door during "nap" time, it had to be critical or they got a lot more attention than they wanted. It didn't take them long before they learned that they didn't want to put their finger in that light fixture.

    But once a week wasn't enough, so we'd sneak in a non Sunday spontaneous sex some time during the week. We could average sex a couple of times a week this way. But if a spontaneous sex didn't occur during the week, we always had "nap" time.

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