The other day, my wife showed me an article about “scheduling” sex. The author recommended that couples schedule when they would have sex and that the consistency and predictability would improve their relationships.
While this is not a new concept to me, it got me thinking. Scheduling sex lets busy couples who struggle to find time for intimacy minimize distractions as they make time for each other. It also makes it easier to prepare things like lingerie, toys, or a romantic candlelit dinner. And for those with mismatched libidos, it gives the spouse with the high sex drive (usually the husband) something to look forward to and the spouse with the low sex drive (usually the wife) time to prepare.
Conventional wisdom would suggest that spontaneous sex is more romantic and passionate. Sure, there’s something to be said for the passion of a couple caught up in the moment who surrender to their desires and make sweet love—Hollywood certainly promotes this idea. However, this tends to happen rarely, especially once the novelty wears off after the honeymoon. It depends on both the husband and wife to be in the mood at the same time, without any romantic preludes (because that would mean it was planned, not spontaneous!), and in a place where they can comfortably act on it. It is also vulnerable to distractions and interruptions. And because of its spur-of-the-moment nature, it is usually (though not always!) shorter and less involved.
In our marriage, it was almost all spontaneous at first. But after the honeymoon phase wore off, sex became less common as we got busy and our libidos got out of sync. She was annoyed by my “constant” asking and I resented her “constant” rejection. We couldn’t rely on spontaneity alone, so we agreed that at least one day a week would be “sex day.” This managed our expectations and our marriage survived to become hotter than ever.
Enough about us. What about you? What are your thoughts on planned or spontaneous sex? Do you prefer it when you or your spouse puts time and effort into preparing for sex? Or would you rather seize those unexpected moments when they arise? Do you have one kind more often than the other? Comment below!
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