Visual Stimulation or Gifs of Love?

As a Christian romance (okay, erotic) writer, I’ve thought a great deal about drawing lines. Specifically, reading vs. watching videos of erotica. I never tire of reading it but watching? Not so much. (The exception to this rule is “Outlander” because it is romantic, it shows love and sex together between married people.)

I have not seen a lot of porn in my life and I don’t want to, either. My ex-husband is a sex addict and spent so much time with porn and phone sex that he neglected me. He was spending his time elsewhere, too worn out to care about me. He became so desensitized that the only way he ever wanted me was by rape. I’m not saying everybody who watches porn ends up this way because his massive problems started in pre-pubescence. Porn just added to his mental issues.

In the last few years, I discovered porn gifs by accident on Pinterest, of all places. But they discovered it, too and took them down. Thankfully there is no sound with these as that fake moaning makes me cringe. I know that men love the visuals and women do too to a certain extent. But for me it is to a lesser extent. After a short while, it’s boring even though a gif is only a couple of seconds long. But those first ones I saw on Pinterest were romantic as opposed to just sex. (They may have been clips from TV shows, I’m not sure.)

But watching these little mini-movies, two or three times something has caught my eye and sent a sexy shiver up my spine – the man’s face. You rarely see that as that is not where the camera is focused. But the few times I’m talking about, the look on the man’s face was one of real rapture, surrender or affection – even if it was acting. Especially if there is kissing (a mouth or a breast) which is rarely noticed in a porn gif unless it is the focus. And a kiss is rarely the focus of porn. (Acting is rare in porn, too, from what I gather.)

That look on the man’s face was astonishing and SO exciting. Oh my gosh. While men appreciate the female body, women (or maybe just me) appreciate a man’s attention and devotion, gentleness, and gratified looks. Even dirty looks as long as there is a connection. When that look on his face says, “I’m all yours, you are in control of my body and I love you for what you are doing to me,” that is orgasmic.

Not all sex needs to be sweet, sometimes rough is best. But the looks of love used to be non-existent in my own life and it’s clear it’s mostly that way in porn, too. It’s also clear my ex was mimicking porn. Big mistake. You can only take the pizza delivery guy trope just so far. “I’m here to deliver pizza and bang you. And I forgot the pizza.” LOL

I understand the deep, dark reasons for my desire to see that look on his face. Maybe it was just the devil’s way to lure me back into searching smutty gifs, to find just one more (and almost never finding one) until I could find a man who would do it, who would open his heart to me.

Thank you, men, on MH for sharing what sex and love are like for you. It’s emotionally gratifying for a wife to hear that you want her. Women are just like men – we just want to know we’re wanted. We want to see it on your face. That’s our visual stimulation. – Mare

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14 replies
  1. SecondMarge says:

    Sorry you had such a bad experience with your first husband. But to assume you can tell what a man is thinking by the look on his face during sex, or a woman’s for that matter, is just not true. Your associating what you thought you saw in ex. Somewhere between 2/3 and 90% of people use porn. Some as relatively tame as MH or a romance novel to as direct as X rated movies. A very small number have any negative affect on their lives. Or stop paying attention to their wife or sexual partner. More often, like MH, it encourages more sex and variety. Some film porn stars are married to each other. I suspect you could not guess which ones by looking at their faces during sex. Even among devout Christians often sex isn’t a loving holy act but merely lust for our spouse and need for sexual release. Sex for pleasure, and again no way to tell the difference by the look on the faces.
    My second husband was an on again, off again watcher of porn that he sometimes shared with me. I prefer MH type porn, sometimes written material a bit stronger. But some of the sex acts my husband had me watched resulted in having great desire for him and our sex after was more passionate with greater pleasure for both of us. Not sure if the looks on our faces were different. Sadly we often come to conclusions from limited data that would never be accepted by the scientific process. We take the testimony of a handful of people or experiences and assume they are the norm when often they are the exception. Or without double blind testing, our own preformed opinions influence the results. My first marriage greatly influenced my mistaken thinking about sex. Fortunately my second improved them. I hope your future includes someone with a look on their face you find the right one.

    • David1623 says:

      Performers married to each other? Like who? I’ve never heard of such a thing but am intrigued by the thought. I might feel a little better about researching this if I knew exactly what I was looking for. There too much smut on the internet otherwise.

    • ParkerJen says:

      Hi David1623,

      There are several examples of this, but one I can think of off the top of my head in the adult industry is Manuel Ferrara and his wife Kayden Kross 🙂

  2. WeldersWife says:

    I can’t like this enough! Not because of the gif/porn/image thing but because it’s so true and I have never been able to put it in words before. Do I enjoy the visual of seeing my husband naked? Of course. Does it make me weak in the knees and ready to pounce? Not usually. But seeing the way he looks at me admiringly, graciously, or even that sexy little smirk that says “we both know you want me as much as I want you” gets me every time

  3. LovingMan says:

    Since many of us write stories that we post on MH I suppose that we are Christian romance erotic authors as well.

    This means I too have had to decide what is appropriate. So I’ll give you my take on this, although not everyone on MH will agree with me. To me you can judge things by how much the Holy Ghost stays with you or leaves you.

    Absolutely Wrong:
    -Watching porn that involves unmarried people.
    -Videos depictions of wife swapping is wrong as is threesomes etc.
    -Erotic stories that depict unmarried sex or adultery or fornication or any type of swinging etc.
    -Even a TV show or movie that includes implied extramarital sex (even if nothing is shown) cause at least some of the Spirit to withdraw. Example: Dr. Zhivago is a great movie but I’ve heard it called “adultery set to pretty music.”
    -The media, including print, has glorified extramarital sex for centuries. This is the world’s (or Satan’s) big lie.
    -Of course written or photo or paintings or video porn that depicts any graphic extramarital sex is the most likely to drive the Holy Ghost away.

    Less Problematic but Still drives a portion of The Spirit Away:
    -Video of another married couple having monogamous sex seems to drive less of the Spirit away but not as badly as traditional porn does. Maybe this depends on the goal of the viewer.

    Acceptable and even Good:
    -Erotic videos & photos that you made with your spouse. We have a private videos/photos app that we use. We do not share those pics or videos.
    -Erotic stories that depict sex in marriage. If I did not believe this I could not participate in MH. To me MH celebrates marital sex and refutes the world’s (& Satan’s) lie that married sex is always boring.
    -Sex instruction videos that involve a married couple can be helpful. Again this can depend on the viewer’s intent.

    I should add that consensual marital sex is good (wonderful even)! But sex outside of marriage will drive the Holy Spirit away. Also, no matter how great or competent we are in our daily life, we will be even more if we have the presence & guidance of the Holy Ghost. So we can even be inspired while making love to our spouse! And as Hellohoneyiloveyou1 said last week: “It’s as if the Holy Spirit smiled.”

    If any type of written or video erotica has you neglecting your spouse then that is wrong. I personally think I can read MH to enhance my marriage. I know that not everyone who reads or writes for MH will agree with all my views. But these are my opinions, and I believe them to be true. At the very least, they are true to me.

    • SecondMarge says:

      We all have our own list of acceptable and unacceptable porn. We rationalize that some things are okay, while others are permissible.

  4. LovingMan says:

    Sorry to comment again after my last comment was probably too long… but I wanted to address a couple more topics:

    I think that the God’s children, including the human body, is clearly God’s greatest creation. I think that non-sexual nudity is not a bad thing.

    As an amateur artist I found that until I drew from nude models that my people images were never correct. I can draw from a nude image and not lose the Holy Spirit’s presence. I’ve even prayed while drawing a nude image and received inspiration on what to fix in my pencil drawing.

    My wife will look at my drawings and the nude image I’m drawing from and tell me what needs to be changed in my drawing. I am not lusting after the female or male model that I’m drawing.

    We are not public nudists but my wife & I have been known to hang around in the buff once in a while… at home. Some nudity in the home is probably healthy for children. At the very least not making a fuss over nudity and treating it calmly is important. For that matter a mother nursing her baby is 100% good!

    I suspect that God is fine with public nudism/naturism when it is a non-sexual thing. So nudist family resorts are fine but nudist swinger resorts are wrong.

    Of course within marriage nudity is supposed to be sexual at least some of the time. And highly erotic or kinky sex is good within your marriage.

    I’m sure that not all MHers will agree with me on all my points but again, these are my opinions and beliefs.

    • DefiantArtist says:

      Totally off topic here, but I just wanted to tell you that i am also an artist (guess my handle kinda gave it away) and I have recently been experimenting with nude art, a little. I found a computer program that allows me to pose and morph and shape any number of models in any number of positions, naked or clothed…for free! And it makes drawing so much easier to have a realistic model to follow.

  5. Frankie says:

    LochMaree – You said "While men appreciate the female body, women appreciate a man’s attention and devotion, gentleness, and gratified looks." The statement that "a wife needs to be in the mood – a husband needs to be in the room," is certainly true of young marrieds, but not so much for older couples. For mature couples sexual intimacy grows from overall intimacy. That is not to say after 25 years, a man is not turned on by seeing his wife naked, but the turn on comes more from the joy of loving and being loved that results in her being willing to be naked in front of him (after all, he isn't seeing anything he hasn't seen many time before). She on the other hand is delighted by his erection more because he is still excited by her body than she is by looking forward to him inside her.

  6. SingleDreamer says:

    This was beautiful and I have so much respect for you for sharing this. Whenever I become impatient, and slip into gifs, I also focus on the male’s persona a lot. It captures my attention more than anything else. And they’re hard to find unfortunately. You have to scroll through a bunch of smut to find something remotely close to it. You described it perfectly actually that’s exactly how I feel, but I have never been in a relationship so I’m not sure where my fascination with it stems from. Thank you for sharing 💞

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