Too Strong a Desire?
Hi, everyone! I have always had a very high sex drive since I was 18 years old. I’m 37 now, a single Christian female. I have had a not-sex-positive past, mainly due to my upbringing. I am blessed to have Christian parents who love me; however, my views on sex differ from my parents’ in that I believe masturbation is good and healthy. It has taken me a long, long time to come to that conclusion.
I still feel shame and guilt, though. I fight the beliefs that women who love Jesus should not want a husband this badly—that if I loved Jesus more, I wouldn’t want sex so much. Within the past month or so, I have been aching for my husband. So much of it is just the desire to snuggle into him, feel his heartbeat, have that skin-to-skin contact. And I want to be desired. I want to reveal my beauty to him. I will be honest: I am very overweight, and I don’t feel sexy sometimes. But I still want to strip naked for him and offer myself to him. I imagine what it will be like to feel his soft kisses on my skin, the warmth of his breath caressing my body which, by now, is on fire and aching for him.
I daydream of what it will be like to suck his cock, slowly teasing him with my tongue. I want to drink all of him in as he cums.
I fantasize about what it feels like to have him eat my pussy. While masturbating one night, I wondered, “What if I don’t taste good?” So, I tasted my juices, and they were better than they had ever been. I licked the sweet nectar off of my fingers.
I want him so badly. I lie in bed at night, praying, and I feel this strong ache to snuggle, to be held. I ask the Lord to hold me close. Everyone says that Jesus is my bridegroom and His love is enough (which He is, and it is.) But I have Him, so why do I have this aching emptiness in my soul and body? Why do I have to think about sex all the time, or at least most of the time? There is so much more to life than sex. I am craving that physical connection, and no amount of keeping busy stops it. It is so frustrating.
Help! Any advice is appreciated. I feel bad because I will just start crying, so strong is my desire for connection with a man (not just sex.) Men bring balance to life; they have this calm strength, a different perspective on life than I do as a woman. I am looking for a godly, Christian man who loves Jesus, is kind, funny, honest, responsible, respectful, down to earth, easy to talk to, and sex-positive (not afraid of his body.) I want to be desired, pursued, wanted, chased. Bottom line, I want to belong to him and he to me. I know I should not get married just to have sex. Why can’t I just be happy with having sexual pleasure through masturbation?
I guess what it boils down to is a man is physical. I can hear his voice on the phone. I can text him. I can see him with my eyes and know he is there. I know that he loves me because he holds me in his arms and calls me beautiful. The Bible says that God loves us with an everlasting love, that He holds us in his arms and rejoices over us as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. My name is written on the palm of His hand. God has moved in my life and saved me from myself and sin so many times. I would not be alive today if it were not for Jesus Christ.
I know He is real. I know He loves me. I am in awe that He died for me.
With Jesus, I have to have faith. I can’t see him. I don’t hear an audible voice. He cannot text my phone—well, he could, but He is not going to. I hear stories of people who have actually seen Jesus and talked with Him. I am so unworthy. I would feel so ashamed if he suddenly showed up in the living room chair. I struggle with the idea of the depth of His love. I want to want Jesus more, and I guess I think that my wanting a relationship so much means I don’t want Him. He is enough! But if He is enough, why do I want a man/husband in my life? Why can’t He just turn off these desires? Nineteen years is a long time to wait.
I am struggling, tears streaming down my face, as I face another night physically alone. My bed seems so empty, and my pillow is soaked. How can I miss someone so badly that I have never met?
How can I fulfill the connection part of the relationship so that I do not feel so alone?
Thanks, everyone!
Here’s some great news! (a) The sexual & physical craving you have is a beautiful God-given thing. Just like our need for food and water and fresh air, we are built for relationships. The ache is good. And the self-made orgasms are even better. (b) We all have things we long for… sometimes it’s a spouse, children, a promotion, good grades, a reliable car… a satisfying sex life. Often we don’t get what we want, and yet God is still good. Paul taught that the secret to life was contentment. (c) You can at least partially be satisfied thru some wonderful masturbation sessions. Maybe keep a sex journal. Your future husband would cherish it one day! (d) Even though it’s unromantic, there’s no such thing as “the one.” Marriage is a choice 2 people make… just like love (which is an action word not a feeling). This is actually great news, because it means your problem is solvable. It doesn’t require a lightning bolt from heaven. Keep putting yourself in social situations where you are hanging with single Christian guys. One lucky one will pick YOU, and his dick is in for a royal treat (thanks to your sex-positive outlook).
Thanks! a sex journal sounds like fun! I have thought about something like that. I am really nervous though that my mom may come across it, not that she goes through my things; she doesn't. But she and I don't see eye to eye about things like that. Like, she would not approve of me reading and posting stories on this site either. I know I am an adult and answer to the Lord, so I see this site as such a blessing because I can deal with all of the emotions and ideas for stories that I have and not feel ashamed for feeling them. Now for being in social situations where I hang with single Christian guys. That does not happen; I really dont have opportunities to do so. There are no single's groups at church, I dont think anyway. I have not seen any posted/opportunities. Short of putting an ad in the local newspaper. LOL!! Just teasing!! But believe me, the thought has crossed my mind. I worked with a Christian young man recently, but he is no longer with the company. He was my boss, actually, a wonderful guy. When he left the organization, he and I would message a lot. I was very attracted to him emotionally, he just had all of the qualities I am looking for. So I told him that I would like to see if we could be more than friends. He told me I was a wonderful woman and he was flattered, but he was in a long term relationship already. Broke my heart. He and I are still good friends, but we don't talk as much.
I'm sorry for the book, LOL! I get quite chatty. And yes, God is still always good. He has been so faithful to me! I cannot praise Him enough.
I don’t have any advice honestly but I just wanted you to know that I will pray for your situation
Thank You! prayers are always appreciated!
I hear you ?
It’s difficult. I was married for 3yrs before my wife cheated on me & divorced me. I have been single ever since almost 7yrs now. I have ached for everything you described & what’s worse is that I was exposed to sex & it was stopped overnight.
I really feel for you. I’m 34 this year. I don’t always get it right. Sometimes I fall short, repent & continue walking forward in grace doing my best not to make the same mistakes. I know that it is super hard but you’re right. We have Jesus & that is the best news ever.
I’m very sorry you’ve been upset.
I am so sorry to hear you have gone through being cheated on and a divorce. That is awful. Jesus is the best news ever. But it is very hard, especially with having a high sex drive. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have known what sex is like physically and emotionally. I pray that the Lord sends a loving faithful partner your way and that you have many happy years together!
Me too ?? I’m on fire over here ??
Heated Lover – I agree that you should "fight the beliefs that … if you loved Jesus more, you wouldn’t want sex so much". For those not given the gift of celibacy, God gives the desire for romantic love for a life partner. It has nothing to do with how much you love Jesus. The only thing believing you don't love Jesus enough does is fill you with unnecessary, worthless guilt.
You will probably not like this comment, but I would encourage you to lose any excess weight. In addition to health reasons, few men are mature enough to look past physical appearance to see the beauty of the person inside.
Yes, I know all about the unnecessary, worthless guilt. I was under its burden for many years. I'm in the process of opening up and working through sexual/emotional/mental healing. This site has been extremely helpful!
Thank you for the encouragement to lose weight. You are right, I do not like the fact that most men look at the outside first. I am in the process of trying to lose weight. I am down a pant size, and it feels wonderful. I am working on making small steps and changes. I have a long way to go, though. I am doing it for me though, not just for a man. I have too much to live for, and I want to have a long and healthy life and be here for my two precious baby nieces. They are 3 years and 8 months old, and they are my world. The 3-year-old is so active, and my weight limits what I can do with her. She and I have a blast though!
I can feel your pain. I am 30, and I've remarried to a younger man who is 24. My 1st husband was my age and we were high school sweethearts and married after graduation before he went to basic training. We knew nothing about sex and were raised in the church. On our wedding night, we fumbled around, and by the end of our honeymoon, I was addicted and wanted it all the time—and I still do. I beleive in being a totaly submissive Christian wife and have reaped great rewards and life experiences. Some think I take it too far, but I feel it's right in my heart and that it's God directing me. After my first husband's death, I was so sexually upset and heartbroken, and I ended up marrying a fresh-out-of-boot-camp soldier who had been under my husband's command. And I feel terrible because I can't let go of my one and only, James. I know I went off track of what you are asking help for, but it struck a nerve with me, and I hope I can clear my mind and give you a solid, open-minded reply to you. Maybe we can help each other; that's my hope. April
Hi, April! I pray for peace and comfort for you. My deepest sympathy on the loss of your first husband. Can I encourage you? Allow yourself to grieve for James fully. You will not get over the loss. You will however get through it, and the pain will lessen, and then it may hit you full force again when it is triggered by something. This is normal. There are many steps to grieving. You will always love him, but there is room in your heart to love your new husband and have a happy life together. Your new husband can be the love of your life as well. It does not mean you loved James any less. I would encourage you to spend time in prayer, pouring your heart out to the Lord. I would encourage you to prayer journal—write out your feelings. Write a letter to James, releasing Him and saying goodbye. I know James would want you to be happy again and to have your needs met, and that includes sexual needs. May God bless you and your marriage. I hope we can help each other. Blessings, Angela
Wow, what a message! I might answer some of your questions or help a little.
You are not abnormal to want a relationship with a man, but don't get married to just any guy because he will have sex. Find someone with similar interests. From what I read, I would say someone interested in going to church and being a Christian, someone that can show his feelings. I think you like that and want to be completely open. Some guys do and some don't. Maybe someone with similar hobbies etc. but find someone that likes you for you and what you do and has an interest in you!
You sound like a marvelous person to me. So what if you are overweight? What is in your heart and how you treat others is what counts. I would find any woman attractive no matter her weight if she is well kempt and has a good heart.
Nothing wrong with masturbation either. My mom was pretty sex-positive, I guess. She gave me a sex book when I was about 12. It is something even married couples can enjoy with each other instead of full sex sometimes, not something to hide though. Just be honest about it.
I hope you find a nice man to share your life with and be fulfilling with each other!
Thanks Ron for your kind words! I am praying for a man that loves me for me. I am learning there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It has taken me so long and much guilt and shame through the years, trying to undo that. I am so blessed to have found this site.
Just be sure you talk about sex with your future husband.
Yes, I will definitely be open and honest with my husband about sex. I am thinking about starting to write him letters or keep a sex journal to share with him. Sometimes writing about sex is easier for me than talking about it. I was raised with a very limited view on sex…..its for marriage mainly for having children and we really did not talk about it, masturbation was frowned upon and believed to not be holy. It is hard to love my sexuality, but I am learning to.
My prayers are with you. I’ll just say a couple of things that may give you hope. Yes that desire is God-given. You are meant to feel that longing.
My wife was in her early 40s when we met. I was a single dad. She adopted my children from my first marriage and has been a great mamma to them. Plus we have had almost 30 years of amazing marriage & incredible sex. Before we met she too had been lonely and praying for me to show up.
So keep up your faith & prayers. We’ll be praying for you too.
Hi! I am so happy that the Lord blessed you and your children with a wonderful wife/mother. That is awesome! I have to admit that I feel my biological clock ticking, and then I remind myself that God is aware and His timing is perfect. I have to remind myself of that alot! LOL! Thank you for your encouraging words and prayers! Much appreciated! God bless!
The shame and guilt are known here too, so you're not the only one that is struggling with that. I would highly recommend reading the stories on this website. You'll notice whether people have relationships or not, they're all enjoying their sexuality within the grace of God. So can you! I wholeheartedly wish you that.
Thanks Peterpan! I have to admit that I believed that God's grace was not meant for my sexuality. Dont think about it, dont want it, ignore it, suppress it by whatever means possible. I believed so many lies from the enemy and much shame. I am so thankful to have found this site!! Truly a God thing, much needed release and healing. I enjoy interacting with the members on this site. It is amazing to be able to discuss this with other people and share thoughts and ideas!
I'm a 39 year old male. I don't struggle to abstain from sex, even though my sex drive is perhaps higher than even many men's.
But I feel the same longing. And that high drive is something many Christian women, especially ones from a legalistic background, aren't mature enough to recognize or appreciate, much less have in themselves.
Your posts resonate with me. I too crave a Christian, sexually aware, thoughtful, and loving woman who is loyal. That seems hard to find, even in the church culture in modern times.
Togetherness, the longing for connection isn't sinful or selfish. It's part of God's design. He saw Adam, naked and alone, with the beauty of nature surrounding him, and still said that man needed a helpmate, a companion, and gave him Eve. The design of humans for connection, love, and building of families was God's idea. Not Satan's.
We live in a culture that has made it very hard to meet and build strong relationships, and even Christians sometimes have a "go it alone" mentality. But know that every aspect of you, including your sexuality, your body, and yes, even your body type – was created beautifully and wonderfully, and meant to connect with and please your man, and he does exist. Many of us wish for a Christian wife like you -and think about her on a daily basis.
Thank you naturalman for your kind words. I am learning to accept that i am fearfully and wonderfully made. I believed that God made me and I believe that God's word is truth. However, i struggled to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made especially when it came to my sexuality. I thought that maybe God was ashamed of me. If I could just stop wanting sex, then He would like me more. How wrong i was! I am looking forward to having a sex positive marriage. I was asked by my psychiatrist years ago a question that struck me. He said, what if your husband has a lower sex drive than you and masturbation is a deal breaker for him? That got me thinking. I for one hope that my husband loves his body and yes enjoys it too even while he is single. I get so hot thinking of him masturbating while thinking of me (obviously not knowing me yet, but his future wife in general). I want him to enjoy himself and not be in bondage of religious rules and regulations. Sorry, I got wordy didnt I? Thanks for the advice! God bless!
I totally hear you. I’ve struggled with much the same over the years. I’m now a 30 year old woman and I’ve had all the same thoughts, that I shouldn’t desire a man so much if I’m satisfied in Christ. Your words resonate deeply with so much of what I’ve gone through.
I’m now dating a very kind and gracious man who has provided me with so much love, friendship and support in the past year. My heart aches though because he’s not a Christian. And it’s hard because my parents' marriage is falling apart currently and yet they are both so religious. So it’s hard and disappointing for him and me as he sees this happening in my family and how messed up it’s been. How do I share the gospel with him when Christians aren’t living in its power?
My heart aches in so many ways. I definitely feel your struggle, and I got a lot of insults over the years about how I must not be pretty enough, sexy enough or flirty enough and that’s why I’m still single. I felt beaten down so much. Yes we can take care of our bodies as best we can. But I can’t change my nose or face shape. Anyhow, I just wanted to say I understood and feel you, and I hope a wonderful man comes along who appreciates you for who you are and all the love you have in your heart for him.
Sexual desire has nothing to do with religion, except the misinformation most religions teach about sex.
Sexual desire is God-created, and He also has given us guidance on when and where to share it's fulfillment with another—within marriage. Some have thought and taught otherwise, but that doesn't change the truth.
@Heated Lover – A beautiful story and you shouldn't be ashamed about your thoughts, your feelings, your desires.
Hugs
Lori
"He said, what if your husband has a lower sex drive than you and masturbation is a deal breaker for him? "
Even though it might be embarrassing, I think masturbation should be discussed before marriage. Like "do you do it now?". If one of you is horny after being married and your spouse is tired, away etc. is it ok to masturbate? I know an older woman that didn't get married because her future husband said when they got married, she had to throw out all her sex toys and "wouldn't be doing THAT" after she got married.
If any potential future wife did not masturbate, that would be a deal breaker for me.
Heated Lover, I pray that God will bless you with a godly husband who will enjoy your desire and desire you as much! You are not alone in your yearnings. Many of us who are single have the same struggles. One thing I have started doing that helps when it is strong is thanking God for who He Is. And inviting Him into those moments with me. It helps shift my focus to Him, instead of the longing for a wife.
Losing weight for your health is good, but I promise you there are men who desire curvy, full-figured women. As I like to say, I want a woman with some meat on her bones! And I know I'm not the only one. One thing that saddens me is how many Christian women fall for the lies that they have to look a certain way to be sexy or desirable and never feel like they measure up. And that includes married women, too. I hear them putting themselves down and wish I could tell them how desirable they are because of their hearts and character. They let their low opinion of themselves hinder giving themselves to their husbands, not realizing what they are doing to themselves and their marriage. I learned the hard way that some women who are beautiful and sexy according to the world's definition don't have the good character and inner beauty that is so much more important. What good is a wife who looks good but cheats on you?
Let God bring forth the fruit of His Spirit in you and purpose in your heart to be loyal and give yourself to your husband only, and you will be a godly woman any man would be proud to love.
God may not have invented the vibrator but he must have inspired it. Not to mention how convenient fingers are to pleasure your breasts and pussy.
Heated Lover, God has a plan for you, and I know if you keep praying, it will happen. I've been married twice. I was not a believer in my first marriage nor was she. We only went to church during holidays and special occasions. After the divorce, I got involved in a church and became a strong believer. I knew it was too early to start anything; I was attracted to several ladies, but it was not time. I moved back to SC to be closer to my daughter and got involved in another church, and God made it happen. I met my wife who was 35 and never married. She was like you, desiring a husband and saving herself for him. I was blessed, and we were married 10 months later. Now we have been together 23 years in August.
My point here is that God has a plan, and He will reveal it in due time. So you being here at MH getting advice and seeking help is His plan coming together. So my one piece of advice here is that you look into other churches that have singles groups and join them. Though I don't know where you live, most larger churches have single groups, and they are probably very active. You may still attend your church, but it won't hurt to go outside your church, too. I hope your pastor and your family would be very supportive of you doing this. If not, that's on them, and you are doing what you need to but with Christ. I hope for the best for you, and please, keep us updated on your adventures. OH YEAH, don't rush into a relationship because you are wanting a husband. Get to know them first and talk, talk and talk about everything. You will then know if he is the one.
Hopefully, you find one real soon. Nothing wrong with craving a soul mate.