Hi, everyone! I have always had a very high sex drive since I was 18 years old. I’m 37 now, a single Christian female. I have had a not-sex-positive past, mainly due to my upbringing. I am blessed to have Christian parents who love me; however, my views on sex differ from my parents’ in that I believe masturbation is good and healthy. It has taken me a long, long time to come to that conclusion.
I still feel shame and guilt, though. I fight the beliefs that women who love Jesus should not want a husband this badly—that if I loved Jesus more, I wouldn’t want sex so much. Within the past month or so, I have been aching for my husband. So much of it is just the desire to snuggle into him, feel his heartbeat, have that skin-to-skin contact. And I want to be desired. I want to reveal my beauty to him. I will be honest: I am very overweight, and I don’t feel sexy sometimes. But I still want to strip naked for him and offer myself to him. I imagine what it will be like to feel his soft kisses on my skin, the warmth of his breath caressing my body which, by now, is on fire and aching for him.
I daydream of what it will be like to suck his cock, slowly teasing him with my tongue. I want to drink all of him in as he cums.
I fantasize about what it feels like to have him eat my pussy. While masturbating one night, I wondered, “What if I don’t taste good?” So, I tasted my juices, and they were better than they had ever been. I licked the sweet nectar off of my fingers.
I want him so badly. I lie in bed at night, praying, and I feel this strong ache to snuggle, to be held. I ask the Lord to hold me close. Everyone says that Jesus is my bridegroom and His love is enough (which He is, and it is.) But I have Him, so why do I have this aching emptiness in my soul and body? Why do I have to think about sex all the time, or at least most of the time? There is so much more to life than sex. I am craving that physical connection, and no amount of keeping busy stops it. It is so frustrating.
Help! Any advice is appreciated. I feel bad because I will just start crying, so strong is my desire for connection with a man (not just sex.) Men bring balance to life; they have this calm strength, a different perspective on life than I do as a woman. I am looking for a godly, Christian man who loves Jesus, is kind, funny, honest, responsible, respectful, down to earth, easy to talk to, and sex-positive (not afraid of his body.) I want to be desired, pursued, wanted, chased. Bottom line, I want to belong to him and he to me. I know I should not get married just to have sex. Why can’t I just be happy with having sexual pleasure through masturbation?
I guess what it boils down to is a man is physical. I can hear his voice on the phone. I can text him. I can see him with my eyes and know he is there. I know that he loves me because he holds me in his arms and calls me beautiful. The Bible says that God loves us with an everlasting love, that He holds us in his arms and rejoices over us as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. My name is written on the palm of His hand. God has moved in my life and saved me from myself and sin so many times. I would not be alive today if it were not for Jesus Christ.
I know He is real. I know He loves me. I am in awe that He died for me.
With Jesus, I have to have faith. I can’t see him. I don’t hear an audible voice. He cannot text my phone—well, he could, but He is not going to. I hear stories of people who have actually seen Jesus and talked with Him. I am so unworthy. I would feel so ashamed if he suddenly showed up in the living room chair. I struggle with the idea of the depth of His love. I want to want Jesus more, and I guess I think that my wanting a relationship so much means I don’t want Him. He is enough! But if He is enough, why do I want a man/husband in my life? Why can’t He just turn off these desires? Nineteen years is a long time to wait.
I am struggling, tears streaming down my face, as I face another night physically alone. My bed seems so empty, and my pillow is soaked. How can I miss someone so badly that I have never met?
How can I fulfill the connection part of the relationship so that I do not feel so alone?
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