Asking Advice and Giving Some Background

Hello friends!

My goal in this post is to ask counsel from the married couples of the MarriageHeat community.  As some of you know, I’m a 25-year-old single lady living at home.  The Lord has not yet brought into my life a man I would consider marrying, but I’m trying to prepare for that day if it ever comes.  I’ve learned a lot in my journey of self-exploration and sexual discovery, and I’m seeking knowledge and confidence in this aspect of my life; it’s something I believe God wants for me whether or not I ever get married.  There are a couple of topics I have questions about.  First, let me give you some background.

I started masturbating when I was 5 or 6.  I had no idea what it was or that it had a name.  It just felt good.  When I was 19, my mom had me read a book on growing up, puberty, sex, and marriage; she wanted to know if I thought it was appropriate for my younger sisters.  The book was very strait-laced, written and published by a Mennonite ministry, if I recall correctly.  It mentioned things I had never heard of…like intercourse and masturbation.  My parents had never actually told me what sex was, so finding out this way was a little shocking.  Also, I was discovering that this thing I had been doing (masturbation) had a name and was tied to sex.  The book condemned it, by the way, and said it was built around lust, wrong thoughts, and addiction.  I immediately felt guilty, knowing I’d been doing this “sinful” thing for years.  My mom asked me about my thoughts on the book and I remember vaguely saying something about “never having heard about masturbation before” in an attempt to fish for her view, and she replied, “Yeah, not recommended.”  She didn’t add anything else and never initiated conversation on the subject.

So for a few years, I struggled.  Talking about things like this made me very nervous and oddly emotional, and I was too embarrassed to confess it to my parents, though I need to stress that they are both so kind and understanding.  Dad probably would have been much freer in explaining these things to me and my siblings, but I think Mom pressured him not to.  She was raised in an unsaved home and learned all the worldly sex stuff in school, then she met my Christian dad and got saved and her outlook changed completely.  I believe she just wanted to protect us from the world’s perspective on sex, but since she wasn’t given any education on teaching it in a good and holy light, she just kind of skipped it completely.  Finally, I was so unsettled that I wrote out the whole story in a short letter, called Mom to my room, and had her read it while I sat by in tears.  She was so sweet and apologized for not explaining things to me when I was younger. I promised to give up this habit, and the matter was dropped.

Time passed, and I found I just couldn’t always give it up.  Not that it was an addiction.  Only at certain times of the month did I get the urge to masturbate (and uneducated me knew nothing about hormones, ovulation, and sex drive.)  I also began wondering… is this wrong? Why do Christians condemn it? I’ve only heard the opinions of a Mennonite book and my mom.  My desire was to find the Biblical truth.  The Mennonite book cited the usual example of Onan’s sin, and I started there.  I researched the issue from both sides.  I looked up Biblical reasons for and against masturbation.  I studied the effects on health.  (Side note on this facet: during this period I discovered that masturbating often relieved my headaches, which I’d suffered from since around age 13.  To this day, I have catalogued the ratio of headaches to the times I’ve masturbated and I’ve seen that 98% of the time, it takes away the pain! That’s a big deal for me.)

In my search, which was fueled by prayer and a real longing to know what God thought about this issue, I found some things.  For one, the sin most often associated with masturbation was lust.  Personally, I have no struggle with lust.  It’s not a weakness for me.  I have never imagined having sex with someone other than my imaginary husband.  Part of my self-education was watching videos of people having sex (let me clarify and say I am repulsed by porn; it’s fake and usually perverted.  I try to look for married couples who film themselves or at least the most natural kind of sexual situations between one man and one woman). Lusting for anyone involved in these (or anyone I knew) never entered my mind.  And masturbation has never become an addiction for me.  So my conscience was freed.  According to Scripture, I was not sinning.  My mindset is always: get ready for my future husband and enjoy being with him.  Through the studying and questions and hunger for God’s way to be my light, I came to the conviction that He has given us the gift of exploring our own bodies so we can learn and wait in purity.  And the health benefits are numerous.  It’s a myth that masturbation is harmful – unless it’s an addiction – and my headaches and menstrual cramps and back pain have been eased by self-pleasure.  Now, I bask in this activity, all while waiting for my man, whoever and wherever he is.

Now I need to get to one of the questions I have.  I’ve always masturbated face down, usually in bed or on the floor, with a bunched-up towel.  Only in the past few years have I learned about detailed female anatomy and pleasure spots and started touching my clitoris.  It’s not very enjoyable: it’s very sensitive.  I’ve also used my fingers to penetrate myself.  That isn’t easy to do comfortably, especially while lying on my stomach, and, I’ll admit, not really stimulating either.  It generally involves pressure and grinding on the entire labia and indirect stimulation of the clit to get me worked up.  I want to ask if I should consider buying a dildo.  My goal is to prepare myself for real sex.  I don’t want to continue doing something that may not be of any use to me in married intimacy.  The one reason I’m hesitant is because, as I’ve mentioned, I still live at home and I haven’t talked about any of this with my parents.  They don’t know my views and theirs may be different.  I don’t want to risk them (and this is a worst-case scenario) forbidding me from buying something or even masturbating ever again.  I am an adult and they absolutely see me as such, so they probably wouldn’t go to such lengths, but I’m still unsure.  I’d love some guidance about this!

Secondly, I’ve noticed a pattern in a lot of the sex stories on this site.  The couple make love, orgasm, rest, and do it again, sometimes multiple times.  Is that the norm? I don’t think I could do that.  For me, it’s always been that I orgasm (at least, I think I do; it’s just a couple seconds of my pelvic area clenching up, then relaxing) and I’m done.  Over it.  Unless it’s that time of the month where I’m super-aroused for a few days and might masturbate several times in a day, I’m not interested in doing it again.  My body feels as un-sexual as possible, and I could just go on to other activities.  I’ve wondered if this would be tough on my future husband, especially if he has a high sex drive.  Am I normal? Can this be changed at all, or is it fine the way it is? Again, I welcome comments and counsel!

Thank you all so much for reading this.  God really blest me when He led me to this resource.

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17 replies
  1. jwdmccarty2902 says:

    Omg you are so sweet and innocent. I will just address your questions not your background. I would start by asking do you have the ability to get an apartment. It honestly sounds like you are at the point where you need your own privacy. If direct clitoral stimulation isn’t comfortable for you (my first wife was the same way) then what about a dildo that doesn’t vibrate? My wife has always jilled laying on her back. She either rubs her clit or uses her vibrator. In regards to multiple orgasms, etc. I have only had multiple orgasms maybe twice in my life and I am 44. The stories here are the “highlight reel.” You aren’t seeing the times when one or both parties don’t cum. A normal session for us is me either going down on her or rubbing her for a few minutes (not long because it is probably 10:30 on a work night). Then she grabs lube and strokes me a little while I am doing that to her. Then she climbs on top of me. Maybe reverse or maybe facing me. If reverse she grabs her vibrator and bends over more towards my feet and uses her vibrator until she cums. Then lays down and we do it missionary until I cum. Then we clean up and go on our way. Like 30 seconds afterwards we are dressed again and either falling asleep or if it is daytime we go back to doing chores. We have kids so it is very rare we get to just screw and take our time. Yesterday was an exception. We were able to use the hot tub. I saw her in a bikini for the first time ever. I wanted to bend her over the hot tub right then. We made out for a while then came inside. We played with each other a bit then I climbed on top and pounded. Afterwards she used her vibrator and I watched her pussy have the biggest spasms I had seen her have. That was different because there was a build up to it. I always laugh too because no movie or story here ever shows when one spouse says “Oh no we don’t have a towel…”

  2. Soulman says:

    Hi LovelyLonelyLady. I enjoyed reading your story. You sound wise, mature, and balanced as you’ve sought out Scripture and learned to discern God’s will in this matter.
    There is a lot here. I’ll let the ladies here provide the feedback on your potential “accessory” purchases,
    As for your question about the sex in the stories here and those being the norm, here are a few thoughts.
    -Within the bonds of marriage between husband and wife, the couple makes their own norm in the marriage bed. We are uniquely made by God and we are free to express our uniqueness in the marriage bed…. Being sure we are also selflessly loving our spouse in their uniqueness and focusing on the God-given desires of their heart. Work out your own norm when the time comes.
    -This is a great site. It supports a sex positive view in the context of Marriage. But know that some of these writings are fantasy and some likely true, but embellished.
    -the women who write here are obviously very sex positive. That’s why they are on this site. The many women who don’t experience these multiple, earth moving orgasms likely aren’t coming to this site to post their stories. We all have a different story. Don’t compare yourself to the people in these stories.
    -Finally, don’t build you view of marriage by what you read here. Though you will read some great stories of God’s redemption and grace in the marriage bed (we need more of those here), the stories you read here are the mountain-top experiences in marriage and the marriage bed. They are snapshots in a much larger story. Marriage is hard work. Wanting to jump in the sack with someone you see at both their best and their worst can sometimes be challenging. Enjoy your freedom in masturbation….it’s a gift, but be sure you don’t let it distort your expectations of men, marriage, sex, and romance. (I suspect it won’t, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders)
    Thanks again for sharing your story.

  3. Devoted2You says:

    Hey, LovelyLonelyLady! I find your story to be really inspiring. I’m also a 25 year old single, and I’m waiting/saving all of my love for my future wife, someday. The way you researched and prayed throughout your ongoing journey of self-education and self pleasure is awesome! Your desire to not only understand/honor God, but to also prepare yourself for your future husband is beautiful.

    Since I’m not married, I think I can maybe answer your first question, at the very least. I personally think buying yourself a dildo, with the goal in mind to prepare yourself for your future husband, is a good idea. I would recommend purchasing lube with it, to make things more comfortable for you during some “Me-Time”. I’d also like to state the obvious: that a dildo won’t compare to what your future husband has (in regards to the feeling of married sex, intimacy, emotions, etc.). Overall, I still think it’s a good idea to prepare yourself for your future husband and learning more about your body and sexuality!

    As far as having it in your possession and not having your parents find out… I would try to order it and have it shipped during a day or time that your parents aren’t home. Or maybe you can see if your sex toy can be picked up from a local post office or CVS/Walgreens (the package is usually discreet). I had to pick up a package from CVS, because I missed the delivery and I had to sign for it (to show that I was over the age of 21). Of course stash it in a private location that no one will find but you. For me, I keep my lube in my nightstand bottom drawer, tucked underneath other things, if someone was to ever come over to my apartment.

    Um..if you feel comfortable about it, since you are an adult, you could also take the approach of explaining to your parents your reasoning and research for masturbating and buying a dildo, in preparation for your future husband—If they do find out. I talked with my mom about this masturbation topic and she was very supportive of it, saying she, herself, needed to spend time alone and to do it in private. However, my dad was silent on it and offered no answers or anything..so I feel like I can kind of relate with you, LovelyLonelyLady.

    Furthermore, when you mentioned you usually use lots of pressure and are face down, during your “Me-Time”…have you tried it with lying on your back or side? Or stimulating yourself while wearing panties? I’m not trying to be nosy or anything, just wanting to help in any way I can and offer suggestions. I also think purchasing a vibrator, maybe later down the road when you’re married, could provide you with lots of pressure and good sensations.

    I really hope I helped in some way! I hope you have a wonderful week ahead, LovelyLonelyLady! 😊

    Much love and blessings!

  4. LovelyLonelyLady says:

    Thank you to everyone for their input! I'm so grateful for this community. Now to answer a couple of things that were broached. Getting an apartment is not really something I want to do. Our family is super tight-knit and I am a homebody. I often remark that I could never live by myself; after spending 26 years with my siblings and parents I wouldn't be able to take the silence! Plus, my parents have raised us to see that the ideal is for daughters to live at home until marriage, depending on the situation. I do have privacy, so that isn't a big issue. We all follow rules of etiquette and respect, like always knocking at a closed door and waiting for permission to enter, so I don't have to worry about someone barging in during personal time. I will prayerfully consider what path to take regarding buying a dildo and talking to my parents. It's just kind of delicate and I'm not sure what they would say!

    • Frankie says:

      LovelyLonelyLady – jwdmccarty2902's comment that MH stories should be viewed as sort of a “highlight reel” is a good description of real life. After the honeymoon year, sex (and orgasms) become a wonderful dessert instead of a full meal. Having orgasms over and over again is just not common. Especially for a woman, what you are experiencing – orgasm followed by at least hours if not days of contentment – is much more normal.

  5. Hotnorthern says:

    Personally I wouldn’t discuss it with my parents. I think it’s pretty odd, you are not a child and do not need their permission. I grew up in a similar home in that my parents never told me anything and unfortunately I was abused for years by another family member, not knowing what was going on. I found out everything on my own as a teenager and adult and have had to work through a lot of pain and grief and therapy.

    Anyhow, back to your point.
    I think you are a well rounded adult and frankly it’s not your parents business. Talk about an awkward conversation.

    One thing that I noticed myself though is that if your body is used to orgasming in a certain way it can be hard to orgasm in other ways, i.e. With a partner. Invariably their touch will be different and you will have to get used to it. It’s helped me for years release built up frustration and tension and can help you from getting carried away in a relationship also when you are not married yet.
    If you are getting a dildo, you could just pick one up when out by yourself. You can buy them in numerous places. Stash it in a private place in your room where you know nobody looks. If you have your own room, then this is easy.

    I understand your not wanting to move out and live alone. I want my own place so bad, and yet I’m terrified of being alone. So I’m stuck here at my parents' until I either get married or get enough guts to be able to handle living alone.

    All the best!

  6. BillyJoeBob says:

    LovelyLonelyLady, I know that it’s sometimes difficult to try new methods of masturbation when you have something that works. I strongly encourage you to try other positions so you can be physically open to your husband when the time comes. It’s difficult to show him how you like to be touched, let alone allow yourself to accept pleasuring when you’ve identified only one way that works for you. Praying for your success.

  7. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    In answer to your second question, I can relay Lauren’s and my experience. It is not uncommon at all for us to do a double/back-to-back with maybe some cuddling or a shower in between. She doesn’t lose any sex drive between orgasms but typically I am out of commission for anywhere from 5-10 minutes after I cum—need that time to get my drive and hardness back. Every so often, we’ll have a day where we spend a lot of time “in bed” together (I have quoted “in bed” because it’s not always in bed). I suspect other couples on here do the same. A few months ago, we were staying in a nice hotel and after returning to our room following working out and breakfast, we showered together—making love in the shower—and then got in bed and literally spent from probably 8am to 2pm in bed, making love over and over again. We made love that morning/early afternoon six times, some sessions hard and intense, other sessions casually/as we talked together, etc. We just couldn’t stop; couldn’t resist each other; we wanted it. That kind of marathon session isn’t super common for us but it happens now and then and it’s soooooooo fun. We were crazy tired that night from a day of sex!

  8. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    By the way, I shared your other question with my wife. She said you needn’t worry about preparing yourself for sex. Just enjoy and get to know your body and when married sex happens, let it happen. Your clitoris, she says, is a source of great pleasure; she says get to know it well with your fingers and toys. Additionally, she said that while a dildo is fun, a girl’s best friend outside of her man is a good vibrator. Vibrators can be noisy…… Lauren’s most favorite toy is her wand vibrator.

  9. DefiantArtist says:

    Wow, your story has some interesting similarities to my own. I am 27, single, a virgin, and waiting for the right girl to come along, in God's good time. I also live with my family, we are kind of a clan you might say, and there are about about a dozen of us siblings still here at home…it can be exciting!

    I don't know if you are on Songs of the Believers, but if so, hit me up…my name there is AaronT. I'd love to talk to you and ask you about some things that might not be the best to discuss here in the comments. My own sexual story is very similar to yours, and to be honest, most of my family would probably disapprove of my masturbatory habits…which can be kinda lonely sometimes.

  10. King Arthur says:

    Good discussion. Privacy would be nice. My wife masturbates laying on her back.

    The only concern would be if you and your future husband have vastly different sex drives. This should be discussed BEFORE you get married.

  11. HornyHubby says:

    I would like to direct you to a post I did a few years back. I did a study of masturbation and posted it on here. To me it sounds like, even though you do masturbate, you still have some guilt or shame about it. It's okay, that's common. That's why I did this study. I'll try to link it here. Hope that helps. As far as the other part, could you get a lock on your bedroom door? Then when you do have some personal time you at least have a barrier so nobody will walk in accidentally.

    Here's the link to my post: https://marriageheat.com/2015/07/07/christian-masturbation-defense-part-1/

  12. firefly says:

    God designed our bodies to enjoy sex and sexual activity. I encouraged my teen girls to keep masturbating to learn about themselves. They bought vibrators when they were college age. And similar to you, don't be addicted or think about a particular male when masturbating. You have done well to hold that line. Learn to use every erogenous excitable body part, some develop over time. The dildo, I discouraged my girls from getting. Just wait for the real thing, they are glad they did. Though they did use vaginal dilators before marriage.
    Privacy is a must, lock the door.
    My wife and I have grown through the years sexually, spiritually, mentally, and unfortunately, physically-LOL. I was always higher drive than she was, so we had sex often, and most of the time, she was available, but not always wanting sex. Married 43 years, we discovered she is very responsive sexually. Meaning-when stimulated, she gets turned on easily but never thinks of sex on her own. 99% of the time, if she allows me to have sex, she ends up becoming a willing participant, of which I am glad. Said that to say, communication is key in keeping one another sexually satisfied. When we were younger, I would tell her, give me 10-15 minutes, and I will be done. We laugh about it now, but it still applies; she makes herself available, I am satisfied, and she can rest easy till the next day or whenever she offers again. As others mentioned, you must talk about these things before marriage. Undiscussed topics can become very rough roads in marriage. Communication is definitely key to understanding what is expected and what is not.
    Though, my wife and I have changed how we feel about certain things. Things that she or I would not do in the past, or did not interest us in the past, we now do and embrace. I loved tongue kissing, my wife did not, but likes it now, 35 years later that occurred for her. She hasn't liked oral sex on her like she has these past 10 years. Candor in discussions about sex is hard when you don't know who that one will be. And surely you would not want to discuss sex too soon with a boyfriend; fine line there.

    • sarah k says:

      firefly, it is beautiful to see a Christian father encouraging his daughters to masturbate themselves.
      I agree with you in discouraging dildos for single girls.

  13. sarah k says:

    LovelyLonelyLady, I would take the chance to talk with your parents, they will be uncomfortable, and so will you, tough, it is a conversation that should have been had years ago. One day you'll need to be open with your children.
    If you're on Song or Delights of the Believers, I can give more personal advice.

  14. Watts2 says:

    Hi LovelyLonelyLady. I don't get on here very often, but I commend you on your stance. Having grandchildren not too much younger than yourself, I grew up in the day when anyone who would suggest it was ok to masturbate would receive death threats, and that did happen. Of course that never stopped us. We just carried a ton of guilt about it. We had to lie to family and church leaders. (the church I was in during college came around and asked on a regular basis) So for the past 40 years I have been studying and praying (off and on) and have come to a few conclusions:

    1 – The Bible NEVER condemns M. And it is NOT as silent as some would have you think. I believe there are 3 OT references to people masturbating.

    The first is in Song of Solomon 5:2-5. Yes, it is couched in poetic imagery, but it is there if you care to dig through and reference other ancient near east erotic poetry from the bronze age.
    HINT #1: there is no "door" in verse 4. So the "hole" that he put his hand by (which caused arousal) is – you know.
    HINT #2: "Myrrh" is the euphemism for female wetness from arousal. (YKWIM) Her fingers were drenched and dripping.

    Another instance is when Saul went into a cave to "relieve himself." 1 Samuel 24:3 The Hebrew is literally "cover his feet" If you remember the story he was so engrossed in what he was doing that David snuck into the cave and cut off part of his robe without the king noticing. Toilet functions were (by law) required to be outside the camp where they would dig a latrine. Deuteronomy 23:13 So I don't think this relief was of a toilet type.

    The third instance is similar to the one with Saul. This also uses the same euphemism "cover his feet." It is about a Moabite king that his servants thought was "covering his feet" in his rooms. After a long time, they found him dead. Judges 3:24 I believe the term came from this passage: Leviticus 15:17 where it says that if semen gets on a garment it must be removed, washed and is unclean until nightfall. So you can't wear your shoes.

    In all these passages there is not one negative word spoken about masturbating. In fact, the Song of Solomon passage is quite positive about it. Elsewhere there in Lev 15, it says if a guy has a seminal emission, he is unclean and if he has sex both he and the woman are unclean until sundown. So there is no difference between masturbating and having marital sex.

    To me the prohibition on youth masturbating fights God's design. In most cases, it is a losing proposition, and it tells us that God made us wrong. He gave us desires and needs that cannot be satisfied for years or even decades? He is not that cruel.

    • SecondMarge says:

      The ever changing stances by religions on sexual issues. Yet always able to find something in the Bible that supports their stance. No wonder we have 1000 plus beliefs that all think they are right. Masturbating or any issue they decide they want to be wrong. Any sexual topic you can find true believers on each side, Bible verses ready to defend themselves. All anxious to dismiss practices they dislike.

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