My goal in this post is to ask counsel from the married couples of the MarriageHeat community. As some of you know, I’m a 25-year-old single lady living at home. The Lord has not yet brought into my life a man I would consider marrying, but I’m trying to prepare for that day if it ever comes. I’ve learned a lot in my journey of self-exploration and sexual discovery, and I’m seeking knowledge and confidence in this aspect of my life; it’s something I believe God wants for me whether or not I ever get married. There are a couple of topics I have questions about. First, let me give you some background.
I started masturbating when I was 5 or 6. I had no idea what it was or that it had a name. It just felt good. When I was 19, my mom had me read a book on growing up, puberty, sex, and marriage; she wanted to know if I thought it was appropriate for my younger sisters. The book was very strait-laced, written and published by a Mennonite ministry, if I recall correctly. It mentioned things I had never heard of…like intercourse and masturbation. My parents had never actually told me what sex was, so finding out this way was a little shocking. Also, I was discovering that this thing I had been doing (masturbation) had a name and was tied to sex. The book condemned it, by the way, and said it was built around lust, wrong thoughts, and addiction. I immediately felt guilty, knowing I’d been doing this “sinful” thing for years. My mom asked me about my thoughts on the book and I remember vaguely saying something about “never having heard about masturbation before” in an attempt to fish for her view, and she replied, “Yeah, not recommended.” She didn’t add anything else and never initiated conversation on the subject.
So for a few years, I struggled. Talking about things like this made me very nervous and oddly emotional, and I was too embarrassed to confess it to my parents, though I need to stress that they are both so kind and understanding. Dad probably would have been much freer in explaining these things to me and my siblings, but I think Mom pressured him not to. She was raised in an unsaved home and learned all the worldly sex stuff in school, then she met my Christian dad and got saved and her outlook changed completely. I believe she just wanted to protect us from the world’s perspective on sex, but since she wasn’t given any education on teaching it in a good and holy light, she just kind of skipped it completely. Finally, I was so unsettled that I wrote out the whole story in a short letter, called Mom to my room, and had her read it while I sat by in tears. She was so sweet and apologized for not explaining things to me when I was younger. I promised to give up this habit, and the matter was dropped.
Time passed, and I found I just couldn’t always give it up. Not that it was an addiction. Only at certain times of the month did I get the urge to masturbate (and uneducated me knew nothing about hormones, ovulation, and sex drive.) I also began wondering… is this wrong? Why do Christians condemn it? I’ve only heard the opinions of a Mennonite book and my mom. My desire was to find the Biblical truth. The Mennonite book cited the usual example of Onan’s sin, and I started there. I researched the issue from both sides. I looked up Biblical reasons for and against masturbation. I studied the effects on health. (Side note on this facet: during this period I discovered that masturbating often relieved my headaches, which I’d suffered from since around age 13. To this day, I have catalogued the ratio of headaches to the times I’ve masturbated and I’ve seen that 98% of the time, it takes away the pain! That’s a big deal for me.)
In my search, which was fueled by prayer and a real longing to know what God thought about this issue, I found some things. For one, the sin most often associated with masturbation was lust. Personally, I have no struggle with lust. It’s not a weakness for me. I have never imagined having sex with someone other than my imaginary husband. Part of my self-education was watching videos of people having sex (let me clarify and say I am repulsed by porn; it’s fake and usually perverted. I try to look for married couples who film themselves or at least the most natural kind of sexual situations between one man and one woman). Lusting for anyone involved in these (or anyone I knew) never entered my mind. And masturbation has never become an addiction for me. So my conscience was freed. According to Scripture, I was not sinning. My mindset is always: get ready for my future husband and enjoy being with him. Through the studying and questions and hunger for God’s way to be my light, I came to the conviction that He has given us the gift of exploring our own bodies so we can learn and wait in purity. And the health benefits are numerous. It’s a myth that masturbation is harmful – unless it’s an addiction – and my headaches and menstrual cramps and back pain have been eased by self-pleasure. Now, I bask in this activity, all while waiting for my man, whoever and wherever he is.
Now I need to get to one of the questions I have. I’ve always masturbated face down, usually in bed or on the floor, with a bunched-up towel. Only in the past few years have I learned about detailed female anatomy and pleasure spots and started touching my clitoris. It’s not very enjoyable: it’s very sensitive. I’ve also used my fingers to penetrate myself. That isn’t easy to do comfortably, especially while lying on my stomach, and, I’ll admit, not really stimulating either. It generally involves pressure and grinding on the entire labia and indirect stimulation of the clit to get me worked up. I want to ask if I should consider buying a dildo. My goal is to prepare myself for real sex. I don’t want to continue doing something that may not be of any use to me in married intimacy. The one reason I’m hesitant is because, as I’ve mentioned, I still live at home and I haven’t talked about any of this with my parents. They don’t know my views and theirs may be different. I don’t want to risk them (and this is a worst-case scenario) forbidding me from buying something or even masturbating ever again. I am an adult and they absolutely see me as such, so they probably wouldn’t go to such lengths, but I’m still unsure. I’d love some guidance about this!
Secondly, I’ve noticed a pattern in a lot of the sex stories on this site. The couple make love, orgasm, rest, and do it again, sometimes multiple times. Is that the norm? I don’t think I could do that. For me, it’s always been that I orgasm (at least, I think I do; it’s just a couple seconds of my pelvic area clenching up, then relaxing) and I’m done. Over it. Unless it’s that time of the month where I’m super-aroused for a few days and might masturbate several times in a day, I’m not interested in doing it again. My body feels as un-sexual as possible, and I could just go on to other activities. I’ve wondered if this would be tough on my future husband, especially if he has a high sex drive. Am I normal? Can this be changed at all, or is it fine the way it is? Again, I welcome comments and counsel!
Thank you all so much for reading this. God really blest me when He led me to this resource.
We are sorry that this post was not one of your favorites!
Help us understand why.