Starting Over

Hello, my name is April, I’m 30 and a widow.  My husband was a Sergeant in the  Army, and he died of a massive heart attack nine months ago from a genetic heart condition that was never detected.  It’s been hard moving forward, and I’ve been drinking a lot.  But recently I’ve started going to church again and joined a support group.  It helps to ease the pain but not the loneliness.  My husband and I were high school sweethearts and married when I was 18 and Jim was 19, right out of basic training.  We shared great love and an incredible sex life.

During the time since Jim’s death, I have become very fond of  Todd, a young newbie to Jim’s unit, and I’m struggling because I’ve actually fallen in love with him. I have a great deal of guilt with less than a year passing since Jim’s death.  Todd has been there for my breakdowns as a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to everything I have to complain about.  Todd is a pure son of God. He has had a rough life, with no family and has bounced around the foster care system ’til he was 18.  We have been spending every free moment together or talking since this past Christmas.

I have been praying for guidance and direction and my broken heart has been healing and filling with a love and desire for Todd.  A couple of days ago when he was leaving to go home, I gave him a big hug like I always do, but I didn’t kiss his cheek as usual.  My eyes locked on his, and I pulled his face down and gave him a full deep kiss that I hoped would curl his toes.

He pulled away scared and left.  I thought I had ruined everything.

He left the next day for a week-long training exercise and we had no communication.  We had made plans previously for him to come to my house when he got home for a birthday dinner that I promised him—he turned 20 while he was gone.  So I sent him a text when the transport convoy passed by my house to tell him dinner would be ready when he got here.  Then I put the lasagna in the oven and went to the shower.  I  let my hands glide over my body and enjoyed the feel of my body.  Then I shaved and re-shaved, making sure I was smooth all over before drying off and getting my hair and makeup perfect.  I slipped into a red sundress that framed my body perfectly and showed my shapely breasts off without looking slutty.

When I heard Todd pull in, I ran downstairs to open the door, and his mouth dropped open when he saw me.  He looked so handsome in his tailored dress uniform.  I took his hand and hugged him tight and kissed his neck.  “I’ve missed you sooooo much,” I told him.

He was shaking badly as I led him inside and helped him out of his jacket.  My hands ran down his arms as I removed it and hung it up, noticing how well his shirt showed off his toned body. While I walked to the kitchen to check the lasagna, I could feel his eyes on me.  I bent over and the dress rode up, showing the tops of my thighs and the crease below my ass cheeks.  When I stood, the blush on his cheeks confirmed that he was looking.

I walked back to him with two glasses of wine and handed him one.

“Happy Birthday, Todd.” I clinked our glasses. “I hope all your wishes come true for you every day of your life.  You deserve everything you desire.”

Todd trembled.  I set my glass down and placed my hand on his chest. “Is everything okay?  You seem nervous.”

He stammered, “Ye-yes, I’m fine—well mostly. It’s just that when you kissed me the other day, I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“I was scared because my fantasy came true.  And you were my commanding officer’s wife. I loved and respected that man and trusted him with my life.” 

“Jim spoke highly of you and loved you and trusted you with his life as well, and he knew you would look after me if anything happened to him. When it happened, I know you made him proud coming to help me through it all. You don’t have to be scared of anything, Todd, especially me.” 

I stepped up close and pressed my body tight against his. Mmmmm. “Hold me, Todd.” 

He nervously wrapped his arms around me and mine around him and I squeezed him tightly.  

“You feel sooo good Todd!”  

I look up and our eyes locked, wanting to kiss him badly but not wanting to scare him more.  

He stammers “You feel good in my arms. I’ve never been with such a beautiful woman, let alone any girl.”

I know he has a deep Christian faith like the faith I am slowly regaining.  I remembered him telling me before he would wait for the right woman and marry her and hoped for her purity as well.  

“Kiss me, Todd! 

“I’m afraid, I’m afraid that once I kiss you, I’ll want more and ruin what we have. I committed my life to God to let Him guide me to marriage and to become one flesh with my bride. My hopes and plans will just be blown out the window, as I know it could and would happen if I continued on the course I’ve made,” he explained.

 I released our hug and took his hands in mine, pressing them to my chest which was beating hard and fast.  “I am in love with you, Todd!” and tears ran down my face at my admission of pure love for him.  “I want a life with you! Thoughts of you excite me and turn me on as only my husband ever did!” 

He was staring at my breasts rising and falling and my nipples hard and poking, wanting, longing for release and his touch.  I held my hand up and showed him that I’d taken my ring off. 

“Todd,  I’m ready to start anew, a new life. A life I want with you!”  

He was crying and shaking.  I took his face in my hands and caressed it, then kissed him, long and tender.  When I finally pulled back, I was panting and gasping.  “Todd, will you marry me?” 

He looked ready to pass out and smiled and said “YES!” and I pulled him to me and kissed him hard and passionately.  He pulled back suddenly and placed his hands in front of himself; shaking and mumbling, he ran to the bathroom.  I felt terrible that happened and he ran off embarrassed like that.  I gave him a few minutes, then grabbed a pair of shorts and a teeshirt I knew would fit him.  I knocked on the door. 

“Todd, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have caused that, and I have something for you to change into.”  

He opened the door a crack and took the shorts and shirt.  He came out a few minutes later, looking like an embarrassed young kid.  He apologized.

“Todd, you have nothing to apologize for, and  you erased any doubt that you are attracted to me.”  I took his hand and asked him to sit with me.  We sat and talked all through the night till the sun was rising.  We laid everything out and the outcome was, we are getting married next weekend when he goes on leave.  I would have married him now, as a drive to Vegas is only two hours away.  But he wants a week for praying to ensure this is God’s will.  I respect him and love him, and I am willing to put my selfish needs aside to ensure he is right with God in his decision to marry me.