A Recommitment

This is not a story about a wild sexcapade. If that is what you were hoping for, my hope is you make it to the end of the story to both witnesses and consider the power of recommitment to your sex life. Let me tell you about before, a moment in time, and after.

Before

My wife and I are both 57 and have been married for 30 years. It definitely hasn’t always been fairies and rainbows. There was a 10-year hole in our relationship because of my—no, make that our struggle with major depression. No one in a marriage relationship struggles alone when it comes to major depression. That’s in our rear view mirror by over a year, thanks to some fantastic therapy, and we want to keep it there forever.

Our sex life has been far less than stellar—more like nearly non-existent. VERY seldom did sex happen twice a week, usually weekly and sometimes less than monthly. When it did occur, it tended to lack zip and pizazz. There was some foreplay leading to intercourse and orgasm. To help keep sex interesting to my wife, I kept our orgasm ratio at 1:1. Most of the time, my wife produced no discernible level of vaginal fluids. Even with lube, intercourse was often painful for her, and no amount of foreplay seemed to affect that.

Like most couples, we had each brought our own baggage into the marriage. My wife brought emotional scars of sexual abuse at the hand of one of her boyfriends, which served as an impedance to sexual exploration. I brought a history of porn. I used it as an escape (which I justified by the lack of sex) but also due to my fears and inability to express my desires. And since I was giving in to the porn, I wasn’t giving to her on many levels.

One day, my porn habit became conspicuous again. My wife came at me with anger and furry. When I partly tried to justify myself by pointing to the barriers of her emotional scars, she claimed she was past them. That was the first time I heard that. I wish I had known sooner, even though that still doesn’t justify my actions. She responded with a bunch of not, not, nots and don’t, don’t, don’ts. For a few days, I felt humiliated by the situation and moped around accordingly.

A moment in time

A few days later, I again recognized the negative tone of my wife’s approach. I wondered if there was a way to turn those DON’Ts into DOs. What follows is something I wrote, then showed and read to my wife.

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I am committed to us, meaning I am committed to making us work.

I am committed to a healthy us. I am committed to a beneficial, thriving, and wholesome relationship.

I am committed to a loving us who support each other for who we are and, in the process, build us up.

I am committed to a caring us, being kind and considerate to each other and our needs.

I am committed to a sharing us, with communication between us as a free exchange of wants and desires.

I am committed to a sexual us, free of shame, accepting our own bodies, and monogamously bringing pleasure to one another.

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We both agreed to our commitment to each other—and how! Things have changed for the far better.

After

Our sex life has now become an opportunity to fulfill each other’s needs, to build each other up. Our foreplay begins with passion-filled kissing. Our kisses make little sound; we recognized that our lips slowly parting felt passionate, sexy, and exciting. After 30 years, neither of us had realized we married such a great kisser. Kissing alone gets me good and aroused and brings fluid to the desert that once was my wife’s temple. Many nights, we could probably go without lube, but knowing the sensitive nature, we often use it.

My wife’s claim of having her emotional scars behind her held true. I am now free to explore my wife’s body without shame. I used to hear things like, “You sure are spending a lot of time with my breasts.” I would revert to my 8-year-old self, feeling like I had made some unforgivable mistake, and punishment would surely follow. I still do spend time with her breast, but I also spend time with her neck, clavicle, belly, hips, legs… oh, and her temple. (Funny, she has never complained about the time I spend at her temple ?.) As always, I treat her and her body with the respect they so deserve.

I also explored ways to make our sex life even more exciting. And if you think the clitoris is in a single place, oh boy, are you missing out! I did some research and discovered the clitoris is a 3-dimensional organ. More searching taught me about its arrangement in the female body. That said, my wife has as many labia orgasms as clitoral, and they are as intense, if not more so than clitoral orgasms. So my advice is: guys, do the research and offer your wife a new level of pleasure.

Some might fear I might slip back into porn. Yep, no guarantee there. That’s why I added the word monogamous. That’s my commitment to my wife. For me, that excludes porn. Long before our last “discussion” before our recommitment, I avoided asking her for sex because of her emotional wounds. In our last “discussion” before our recommitment, she told me if I wanted sex, to ask. Now I know that when I’m starting to go sideways, it is a desire I have. Before wandering elsewhere, I have permission to ask her and get fulfilled the right way. So far, that is working well.

The changes to our lives go beyond our active sex life. Whether it be early morning or other times of day, we spend more time holding and cuddling each other. The idle chitchat that rarely existed during those times before now flows freely. Additionally, our communication with each other has improved. Whether it’s the small stuff or the big stuff, the discourse is more open and trusting.

I put the commitments together in a couple of hours. I think they are pretty good at helping drive a loving, thriving relationship. But, in reviewing it today, I wish I had added a commitment to mutual respect, creating a solid marriage. It’s a given that our relationship has been long-lasting, but that added commitment would have created an even stronger bond.

We continue to move further from our previous, more conservative ways. I would like to add some light bondage to our married relationship. One problem is my wife’s emotional scars surrounding it. My thought is to introduce it not as an act of domination but of trust. The person tied has to show the ultimate trust, knowing their lover will treat them with the utmost respect while bound.

We look forward to making each other’s dreams for our sex life a reality.