Weakened Marriages
Whether we admit it or not, and we probably won’t, we men need the approval of our wives. Even guys who are not the least bit submissive in nature crave validation of their “manhood” from their lovely brides. Good women recognize this and praise their husbands, speak well of their husbands, and try to build their husband’s self-esteem.
Where am I going with this? Help meet.
Having studied this, I found that a man’s wife is supposed to be his confidence-builder, his boldness-builder, his nerve-builder, and his brazenness-builder. With masculinity under fire, men need their wives now more than ever. A wife’s belief in her husband puts him on the moon and enables him to believe he can do anything. We know deep down, of course, that we can’t, but a good wife gives us the confidence to try and to keep trying. Remove this confidence builder, and a man becomes weak. We definitely won’t admit that.
But it doesn’t matter if we admit or not, we’re weakened without our wives’ validation. Weak men are one of the reasons our homes are failing and our marriages are crumbling.
I’m not thick, and I’m not trying to start an argument here. There is much more to a good marriage than a wife’s validation of her husband. I know there are women screaming at their phones as they read this, saying, “What about the things men are supposed to be doing?” You’re right. I promise, you’re right. Of course, men do, or fail to do, things that weaken their wives, and I’d love to hear from your perspective.
The point is this: Unless we all embrace Biblical masculinity and Biblical femininity, our marriages will continue to be weakened. We, both men and women, need to embrace His design, adapt that to our lives, and try to represent what He wants in a Christian marriage. Women are designed to be strong where men are weak and weak where men are strong. It’s supposed to be a partnership, not a competition for supremacy.
This is supposed to be a discussion post, so I’ll ask four questions:
1. How far removed do you think we are from Biblical masculinity and Biblical femininity?
2. How is this affecting our marriages?
3. From a woman’s perspective, how are men failing?
4. How do we repair all this damage?
Couldn’t disagree more!
I believe validation seeking is weak (for men and women). If a man feels insufficient, his woman can’t make it whole. He’s a leaky confidence bucket, unable to be truly strong. (Similar for her but just talking about men here).
According to Sheila Gregorie, Robert Glover, Corey Allen and others, one of the easiest ways to take the heat out of the marriage is to have validation be a focus. In fact, men needing validation tends to put the wife in the position of maternal in the relationship rather than romantic partner.
I can’t find any biblical basis for seeking confirmation from my spouse. Biblical confidence comes from knowing my identity in Christ and having spiritual strength that comes from the Spirit in me.
If you get a cock size compliment, enjoy it. But don’t ask for it. Even if she never gives that compliment (shy, not true, etc), be confident from within.
The suggestion: “I found that a man’s wife is supposed to be his confidence-builder…” seems like weakness to me. Just as physical strength is found by doing hard work or lifting heavy, internal strength is found through the heavy lifting of self development, most notably being spiritually strong, a person of character.
Our lack of confidence as a man often stems from our sense of strength compared to other men. If I feel small or weak before other men, that is my issue. If my father or other adult men didn’t help make me strong, that is now my feeling. In fact, a woman cannot fix the hole in our masculine hearts. Don’t ask her to pour water into a bucket with a hole. Work on your own stuff.
My suggestion is to bring your masculinity, strength and confidence TO your wife rather than ask her to give you that strength.
Thank you. I completely agree and couldn't have said it better myself.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
Yes our true source of worth comes from God. No doubt. Not judging, & understand where you come from. But, we are to continue His love to one another. Validation isn't found in people, but we are to love, encourage, & equip with our words. This is the whole of the Bible. A ministry of THE WORD. If we do it to others we do it to God. This isn't about satisfying a bratty person, or consoling the whiny britches. It is about helping, being light, & salt. God is our help. He helps with His Word. We are to be like Him. If Jesus did it, we do it.
KingdomMan – what you say about men is consistent with the admonition to wives in Eph. 5:33… "the wife see that she reverence her husband."
1. The Bible says for husband to love their wives as Christ loved the church n gave himself for it. The idea that male masculinity justifies domineering abusive behavior is one of Satan’s lies.
2. The idea that to be a real man you have to be domineering and even abusive is what destroys many marriages.
3. My wife says that men fail when they don’t follow the Biblical teachings that I paraphrased above. True masculinity is still saying that men are strong and committed to doing good both in their homes and in the world. My daughter says that she loves her soldier husband, yet she loves how he can cry thinking about his love for her and their kids.
4. Our wives can guide us to be our best selves. And we can guide them as well. Turning to our Savior and striving to follow His teachings is also the key.
As two people who are survivors of abuse in our past, we strive to call out our spouse when they are out of line. Being a man or woman does not mean we should allow abusive behavior from our spouse.
Howdy, I ain't politicaly correct most of the time. I do try to refrane from cussing, still do sometimes. Ok, alot, but try harder not to around Mothers, Wives or Children. My Wife and I have been married 43 years, 8 children. I was a long-haul Trucker almost all of those years. Out 28 to 30 days in for three or four. When I got home, I was of the mindfulness that I should be taking care of Momma first. I didn't ignore the kids though. Sometimes we got to bed late late. Quickies turned into longies but we went to sleep satisfied. When we were out doing chores if I caught one of the boys doing somthing stupid, like hammering nails into a firewood round, I would just say " if Mom catches you doing that She's gonna whup your butt " useing my half inch drive ratchet. I never snitched on them. I know from experience that my Wife dosen't need my compliments. But to see her smile, Yeah, that's what I'm talking about… I told Her a long ways back, I'm like a policeman, "Serve and Protect". So glad that I have the Father, Son, And Holy Ghost running our lives. Front Door, Rocking Chair, And Back Door. Keep them Smokies off my donkey 10-4… Blessings Neighbors
Spot on and well done.
Contemplating your points for discussion…
1. Those who take the Bible seriously and who try to do what it says, like you, are probably pretty close.
2. The Bible is full of wisdom, and the opposite of wisdom is foolishness. Those things lead to logical consequences.
3. Good question. I am eager to hear some opinions from the ladies. I like to think I am coachable.
4. Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness…
Blessings.
Good questions and discussion, and they're complex questions too…which makes them good questions. In order:
1) How far have we strayed from biblical, or godly masculinity and femininity? Quite far, I would say, but from my vantage point, some traditions, and stereotypes need to be broken down. For instance, I am no mechanic or fix-it man; I have all the dexterity of Red Green, from the handyman comedy show of the same name about a fix-it guy who can't fix a thing. (I recommend it, if nothing else for a good laugh!)
At the same time, the point is well taken about a woman's affirmation, and affirmation happens to be one of my "love languages"; physical touch is the other. This helps me even with maintenance stuff, and I sometimes find myself doing better than I would have thought possible, largely because the validation, as you point out, can work wonders.
2) As to how this is affecting our marriages, I did give a bit of a look into mine, though overall this removal from how we should be as men, women, and couples is causing real problems. Again, though, some of it we have to look at individually, on a marriage by marriage basis.
3) I'll leave this answer to the sisters, although I have thoughts on the matter. My wife and I do discuss it at some length.
4) Her love language, by the way, is acts of service, and one thing I do and have done for a long time is keep a clean house. She marvels at that over and over, which in turn motivates me to do better, even in areas (and brother, do I have them!) where I am not so strong. My "fix-it" aptitude is the least of it! But we're both working on it.
By the way, what has all this to do with sex? I'll answer that: a lot! Handle the day to day, and the sizzle in the bedroom will come (pun partially intended). I do have a few stories of being good with my hands there – another time!
Q. How far removed do you think we are from Biblical masculinity and Biblical femininity?
A. Today, in America, immorality is fast becoming the new morality, by law. Biblical sexes are equal in importance, but different in many ways. God, even, made a law trying to keep us from blending them. Duet 22:5. Those who know God know how things work. & it proves itself to be the best way, for everyone. Problem is we don't all want what is best for everyone. We are pretty far removed from when sex was created & given to the husband & wife. For marriage & children to have both parents raising them. Now, sex is entertainment to keep from being bored.
Q. How is this affecting our marriages?
A. It affects biblical marriages as we live where selfishness gets things done. There is temptation there. We become susceptible to selfish thinking. We learn impatience if we allow ourselves. The potential for laziness, & entitlement grows. Then, as evolution destroys God, we learn the results & consequences for our behavior are just life. Long, hard, work of loving unity, & support, will not be an option.
Q. From a woman’s perspective, how are men failing?
A. I am not a woman, so I will not say.
Q. How do we repair all this damage?
A. DO the hard work of John 17:20&21. This is the only answer to our sin. Another passage says, deny yourself & take up your cross & follow Jesus. Hard will not be an excuse, when Jesus told us, in advance, hard is the way to life. This world can think up new ways to repackage old sin, yet God still answers, deny yourself… Evil can sink its teeth into a new generation, more powerful than the last, yet God still answers back, Jesus is the way. I think the church needs to stop courting the Godless. Stop with the new books, programs, & philosophies; & get the One Book He gave us to go by, down. Let's get the Bible right & get right with God. Then, He will show up in our unity & obedience & do the impossible! Fast & pray for this. Dig our grave in it. We repair by loving our enemies & giving grace in our words. There is power behind the Bible. God's Word has power to tear down strongholds. Don't believe the Godless, but believe God's Truth, back at the lies.
"Good women recognize this and praise their husbands, speak well of their husbands, and try to build their husband’s self-esteem."
There is truth to this. In the NT, we women *are* instructed to honor our husbands while men are instructed to love their wives. That isn't the end of the instruction, though. Love one another, submit to one another, honor one another above yourselves, pursue peace and build each other up… We all are called to do all these things in every relationship regardless of our gender.
There are a lot of permutations of personalities, leadership styles, and confidence levels in the myriad of marriages in the world. Some people (not just husbands) will need, or at least desire, more words of affirmation than others. It isn't an issue of wrong or right, nor does it show weakness to desire it.
It's basic to human nature: we all like to be appreciated, and we feel closer to those who show that appreciation. So giving sincere admiration and respect (honor) to your spouse will, in all likelihood, improve your marriage just as showing it to your coworkers will probably improve your working relationships. It just takes on a more intimate flavor at home.
And maybe it's a little harder because of that intimacy, too. After all, when you live with someone, you know all their good and bad points, and it is easy to focus more on the negative than the positive. But it's harmful to do so, in my opinion. Making a conscious effort to praise attitudes you want to continue or actions you wish to see repeated is much more edifying.
10-4 Crazy
I agree with your assessment but I also agree with seemingly opposing comments. I believe the difference is in the perspective. If a husband consciously looks to his wife for validation that’s a problem, but if he strives to find his validation in Christ and his wife sees that she can greatly help or hinder that by her actions, they both win.
There’s not a phrase I dislike much more than “biblical masculinity and biblical femininity.”
I'd love to hear your thoughts about that. Why do you dislike the terms?
I find that your questions could be answered by reading a couple of books by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn: For Men Only, and For Women Only.
While dealing with deficiencies in how both sexes relate to each other, their assertions seem valid to me: that we really are trying to love each other in the ways we know how and that they're just not the ways that the opposite sex needs or understands. For instance: men's lack of assuring their wives verbally (on a frequent, daily basis) that they love them, or women's failure to communicate respect to their husbands in the ways that are meaningful to him. And that this can be counteracted by learning how to effectively communicate to your spouse your love in the way that he/she is able to receive it. This approach follows Paul's directives that husbands are to love their wives and that wives are to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:21-33), but that's one section covered out of 8-10 in those books.
I find any comment here that condemns a man for "seeking validation" from his wife as not really understanding the emasculating influence a woman can have due to a lack of respect towards her husband. I've heard this point made several times recently, that the Bible commands wives to submit to their husbands, but never does the Bible make it acceptable for a husband to MAKE his wife submit.
That said, if a woman cannot accept that men are different than women with different ways of thinking and reactions to situations, then she effectively sees her husband not as a man, but as a hairy woman, and his behavior as "wrong" or "misbehavior." This idea is taken from a couple books by Alison A. Armstrong: The Keys to the Kingdom, and The Queen's Code. No doubt the opposite is also true from the man's perspective but I don't know a book on the subject I should read; For Men Only does give a pretty good overview though. Armstrong's books are incredibly eye-opening and I would beg any woman I date (and really just wives in general) to please read them, along with For Women Only.
Great discussion-starter, and fascinating to read all the varied comments. I am definitely in agreement with you that men need the respect, verbal and active, of their wives. But I also believe that men need to already be practicing the love and selflessness that wives so desperately need. I did a post recently about my parents and the disconnection I see in their marriage. Neither is getting the love they need in the way they need it, so neither is giving the love either. Women, I think, want to applaud and stand behind a man. But if he just doesn't take initiative BEFORE she has to bring it up, she doesn't feel loved. I'm saying this as a single woman, so I can't make a statement from a marriage perspective, but I observe a lot in other people. I also agree with the commenter who said that we don't get our validation from others. Our whole identity is in Christ. However, words do matter. Life and death are in the power of the tongue, so a husband who is not receiving life-giving words from his wife (or worse, is receiving hurtful words) will have a wounded spirit. And vice versa. We live with human beings; talk affects us. So it ought to be kind and affirming and uplifting. That said, a wife who feels burned-out or emotionally-neglected will have a hard time giving that respect and encouragement. This is where I'll answer the question directed to the ladies. I fully grant that men are failing largely due to feminism. I hate what that ideology has done to both sexes. But men are still failing and need to step up for us ladies who are trying to be Godly women, married or not. How to fix that? Number 1 would be get back to God's Word. Someone else said that in another comment and boy do I concur! It doesn't have to be super-complicated either. If men would take the model of Jesus and lay down their lives for their wives, in EVERY area, that would be such a great starting point. Then women would want to be the fitting helper to their men. I'm not saying that the men have to do it all so the women can do their part. Of course women need to be in obedience to Christ already. But it is so hard for women, especially wives, to do anything if the men aren't leading. And I don't mean that men need to be lords of the manor and rule over their wives. They're not kings. They are called to sacrifice. As Christ gave all of Himself, so men must give of themselves for the wives who desperately need that tenderness and care. We women are delicate! Not weak or frail, but delicate. We are the treasure, the valuable gem, that needs to be handled gently. Our hormones are all over the place, sometimes by the hour, so we need understanding. I'm rambling now, but I hope this woman's view helps
What you describe is kind of a vicious circle, not that it's done on purpose: it's just that one party feels unloved because the other isn't showing it in the way that he/she needs it to be felt/understood. Without that, they have a hard time giving, which in turn makes the other party withdraw even more. Not maliciously, but there it is. Probably a lot of it stems from a place of ignorance and assuming that what would work for you is what your spouse needs. And that brings up two really important Biblical concepts essential for a successful marriage: Forgiveness and Grace.
Now I'd agree that feminism ruined (and is continuing to ruin with each wave) a lot, but we're not likely to see that change or go away. Women fought (and died) for the rights which you now enjoy today without thinking about, but with rights come responsibility. If women think they can have one without the other, nothing is going to work right, which is where we're at now.
Now without assigning blame to one side or the other, I would argue that it isn't necessarily either sex's JOB to initiate change/break the cycle, etc. If you're not doing your part in the marriage then it falls upon YOU to make up that deficiency, not your spouse. You don't wait for the other party to fulfill YOUR needs before you start fulfilling theirs, especially if you're aware of what they are! Otherwise I'm pretty sure that behavior would fall under the category of Withholding, which is abusive.
From the books I've read (for both sexes), it's all one-sided, giving the perspectives of what YOU can do to turn things around (or keep the trouble from starting) in your marriage. Each sex lifts the other up, giving what he/she needs most without resentment and understanding that their needs might NOT be met (I keep bringing up the CS Lewis heaven/hell spoon analogy but it's just so fitting). It only works when both husband and wife have this same perspective. But what I find most encouraging is the idea that one (and either) side CAN unilaterally start the process of change for the better!
Great Words of wisdom, Gen.2:25, The man and his wife were naked and unashamed. Ok Who? his Wife. Pretty positive it was Eve. Gotta throw a little humor in here, The first thing Adam said when he awoke and saw Eve WoooooMannn….>>>AHWOOO AHWOOOOOOOO!!!! sorry, crackin jokes on the CB…
I like your perspective LLL. (Please realize that my next comment is not at all condescending, but rather a deep appreciation for your maturity)
For a younger single woman, you have a great depth of understanding and wisdom. I applaud the path you have taken and the effort you have put in to becoming the young, Christ-like woman that you are. You have all my respect and the grasp you have on relationships is something many of your seniors truly lack. Prayers as always – KM
I just reread my response and it comes off far more argumentative than I intended, honestly I agree with at least 90% of what you said, and these guys above are far better at encouraging you than I am, it would seem. What I really hope for is a greater empathy and grace on both sides and your perspective does definitely bring some of that.
God essentially gave us a user's manual (Bible) for a successful relationship not only with Him but our spouses as well.
Many in society today discarded or worse yet denounce that manual. In doing so, they embrace all manner of sinful pleasures, among them sexual promiscuity and think themselves happy.
Today, academia encourages sexual promiscuity and other sinful acts even at the elementary school level. At the same time they discourage role of men and women in a relationships as God laid out. At the same time they work to weaken men, physically, mentally and more importantly spiritually.
This is not a new concept.
In 1998, there was a training seminar at Wellesley Center in New England attended by two hundred teachers and administrators to discuss “gender equality for girls and boys.” Their view was that some behavior for boys and some for girls was inappropriate. The mission was to stamp out all differences between girls and boys. In reality what they wanted was for boys to behave more like girls. Their ideas for accomplishing this; Have boys wear skirts encourage activities for boys such as quilting and playing with dolls.
Social media, radical feminism and the entertainment industry perpetuates this thinking with notions that truly liberated women are those that treat sex as a recreational activity no different than going to an amusement park and getting on multiple "attractions". Men's worth are determined either by their "conquests" in how many women they bed and how in touch with their "inner feminism" they are.
Marriage is treated and an outdated concept by the likes of these people and even those that embrace the institution will often divorce as soon as things get a little rough.
Outwardly these people proclaim their happiness but the truth is there is a void in their soul and they do not understand why. That is a void only a relationship with God can fill.
It is little wonder society today is so angry and men are so weak they need safe spaces and therapy all because their political candidate lost a race or they heard mere ideas they oppose.
But there is hope.
There are women today referred to as "trad wives" (traditional wives). They appear to have seen the beauty of God's teachings about relationships between men and women, even if they do not understand that it is from Him that it comes. People, ignorant of the trad wives concept, denounce these women as subservient and little more than slaves to their husbands. If you talk to one of these women, you will find few things are farther from the truth.
In the same light, there are men seeking true meaningful relationships with women. Being fed up with the often materialistic and narcissistic mentality in many women in their own country, turned to meeting women in foreign countries who are also interested in real relationships. They are referred to as "passport bros". The irony is that those very materialistic and narcissistic women are angry about these foreign women taking all the "good men", men those women drove away in the first place. God truly does work in mysterious ways.
I know this post seems to deviate a bit from the original discussion but I felt it is pertinent.
I am reminded of a quote from the movie God's Not Dead. "Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Till one day, time runs out, and the cell door slams shut, and suddenly it's too late".