Thoughts
I took the “prepare your fields then build your house” route. While I succeeded, the problem is that it took about 10 years and I basically missed the boat. The women I know are either already taken, too young for me (I’m 34), or divorced. I don’t want them to treat me the way they treated their first husband.
Online, there seems to be a lot of women who also missed the boat. But I have never met one in real life. I’m not sure if they’re real or just posting for attention.
Also, it seems like most Christian women are into hearing God. Most of the problems in my family are due to this stuff. It is basically the occult with Christian icing on top. It causes people to switch sides at just the wrong moment for maximum damage. You can’t convince me to marry someone who is into this stuff after the messes I’ve seen it produce.
Are my options win the lottery, pick a women who doesn’t really follow God (hoping she changes), or stay single? Should I just move on from trying to find someone?
Sorry if this post seems rushed. I’ve never been one to act like I’m related to Nebuchadnezzar.
I mistakenly submitted a duplicate post that is scheduled for Mother's day of all times. I haven't found a way to delete it or get it canceled. My bad folks, apologies in advance.
You'd think admins would want to get on top of this…
Hmmm… I don’t want to offend you but I have a problem with your opinion of divorcees. You seem to assume that all divorcees are tainted and that their failed marriage is their fault. From MY experience that is completely false. Let me tell you why I feel this way:
I was married and had kids. My wife became verbally abusive to me and both verbally abusive and occasionally physically abusive to our children. My then wife had developed some mental illness and she also made some very bad choices as well. She lost her faith and decided that she didn’t want to be married nor be an active parent anymore.
I had tried to be patient and I prayed for her. It’s true that I certainly was not perfect but I had really tried to save our marriage. But when she began having affairs & made sure I found out it was obvious that she had done it in part to get me and the kids to leave. She told me as much. I probably should have left sooner. I just really wanted our marriage to work.
She moved out and began to live a wild lifestyle. I don’t know how much of her behavior was due to her mental illness but I eventually forgave her. But, our marriage was over. And I had done all I could to save it. I moved away with the kids & we divorced.
As a single Christian father I found that some church members judged me and assumed that my failed marriage had been my fault. Some single women from church blatantly said that they would never date a divorcee. Not all were like that, of course. I dated and was engaged twice but those relationships did not work out.
After a few years I met and married my Melody. My kids adored her first. I figured it out myself and we have had a glorious 30+ years together. She even adopted my kids from my first marriage.
What I’m trying to say is that I am very grateful that she did not have a prejudice against me because I was a divorcee.
Besides that , she was and is a true Christian and understands that people can repent and change. Melody was friendly with my ex wife and I think that helped her return to faith. That is Jesus’ message… we can change for the better through our faith in Him. In fact, as I said, my ex wife regained her faith. I say “Good for her!”
I know that you have to be careful. After a failed marriage and post-marriage failed relationships, I was very gunshy for a long time when dating Melody. It makes sense to be cautious but not overcautious… i can say in my hindsight.
You can disagree with me, of course. But assuming that every divorced woman is a bad risk is not fair nor accurate in my opinion. Just like my situation was, a wife can be kind and strive to save her marriage but her husband is unkind and/or unfaithful & leaves her. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that all divorcees were unkind.
That’s my opinion. No marriage is perfect and Melody and I have had our disagreements and challenges. But we’ve stuck it out and are more in love with each other than ever! Take a look at my over 100 MH stories and I think that the stories testify of a happy and sexy marriage. In our senior years we have supported each other in health challenges and mental health challenges but we have stuck it out to our benefit.
No I hear what you're saying about divorced people. It's just that I know only 1 divorced woman who should get remarried, but we are related. What I have seen otherwise is not good to put it mildly.
Your experience seems pretty similar to mine, especially with the age of the women I currently know. It wouldn't matter to me that they're all so much younger, if it didn't matter to them. Of course the attitudes of Ruth weren't common in Ruth's day either if you look at Ruth 3:10.
Still, there were some things that stood out to me in what you've written: "Also, it seems like most Christian women are into hearing God. Most of the problems in my family are due to this stuff. It is basically the occult with Christian icing on top." Care to elaborate?
A failed marriage is rarely 100% one side or the other and it takes two to tango–but that works both ways. Because as much as I can understand your wariness of divorced women, the good ones will have put in a lot of work with counselors and inner healing to get past whatever happened before. And I can't help but wonder if you might have some things to work through yourself, as I certainly have (and am currently). And I don't know how God can ever lead me to the woman He has waiting for me if I can't hear from Him at all!
I don't want to go into too many specifics because it will quickly become identifying information. However, I'm referring to things like "God told me we have to do X" and X turns out to be a really bad idea. Or "God told me He killed so and so because of . . ."
You do you, but I know what I have seen and I want nothing to do with it.
And yes I'm a work in progress too. But I was expecting the hard part to be keeping the relationship not starting it.
Got it. You're right, that has red flags all over it.
Fortunately, I have no divorce experience, but i will offer my opinion on relationships. I feel it's better to remain single than get getting into a marriage thinking we'll get better after you're married , or that the other person will change. I believe too many divorces can be attributed to not knowing the person before getting married, or knowing someone & thinking / believing that they will be able to change them. I know too many friends that ended up in relationships that failed. It's a bit disheartening, thinking of being alone, but it can be so much worse , getting connected with someone that gets you in debt, sad or angry all the time, or sorry you ever met them.
I had a few relationships before marriage that had me asking myself " is this a person I want to spend the rest
of my life with ?" Being uncertain & looking @ why I had doubts, allowed me torealize the answer was not a "YES"
I met my wife, we dated & were married within 6.5 months ! In a week, we'll have been married for 47 yrs.
Ithank God daily for my wife, a good Christian woman.
Great questions! It's such an interesting chapter that we singles are in, trying to go where God leads but not sure why there are no potential spouses. My situation is really unique: no men. As in, zero. My church is full of folks who are 65+, with a handful of little children. Now I actually would prefer an older guy; most guys my age are just not mature or settled in their life work. And when I say older, I don't mean old enough to be my grandfather! I'd like a guy in his thirties or older (I'm 28). Personally, I like age-gap marriages. I know some couples who have that and it's just so sweet. Obviously there are things you have to take into consideration, but if it's plainly the Lord's will, then I'm for it.
I too am hesitant to marry a divorcee, but if the circumstances were such that he was not the spouse who broke the marriage or cheated or did anything unbiblical, I would at least consider it. As LovingMan commented, some divorcees are the victims. It's the other spouse who breaks the marital vows and causes the pain. Not every broken marriage is caused by both spouses.
As to online dating, I see it definitely becoming more common, even in Christian circles. I think it's great if it's done correctly. My sister is a prime example of that. She was not "husband-hunting", but rather just making herself available on a Christian dating site to Godly men so they'd know she was out there. With no physical acquaintances, she didn't have other options. She had very strong and specific criteria and laid out all her convictions. If a guy didn't check the boxes, she didn't waste time with him. The right guy was on there, they met, courted, got engaged, got married, had a baby, and are just the sweetest couple! And they have an age gap! It works fine for them.
I'm not sure if I understand your remark about Christian women "hearing God". Do you mean they think they're getting special revelation outside of Scripture? That is obviously not Biblical, so yes, stay away from it. I learned something about getting God's will for your life: do His will today. If that means go to work, do chores, cook a meal, exercise, minister to someone, then that is God's will for you. We aren't promised tomorrow. We only have today. Of course we can (and should) plan, but there are things we can't plan for. Making marriage happen is one of them. If God wants us to find spouses, He will bring them along if we are where we need to be. I'm thrilled to hear that you've followed the Biblical injunction to first plow your fields, then build your house. One of my standards is to marry a guy who is settled and working and has his own house/apartment. I do not want to join my life to a man who is still in limbo, or hasn't set his mind and his hand to the work God has called him to. You'll be rewarded for that. And 34 is not too old! A lot of girls (including me and my sisters) are sick of the immature teens and 20-somethings and want mature men. So you are a prime catch! The big question is, how is the Lord going to work it so we can make a catch? 🤪
Figuring out what I should do for God is that stage I'm at right now. I finally found a church where men can be men. So I'm hoping it will click pretty quick. The demographic is older so I don't know how long it will be around, but hopefully I will find something useful I can do.
@GaitorBait, you should consider further interactions with @Lovelyloneylady. You both might find each other good options.
Her points are consistent with my beliefs and convictions, and opinions on the matters you have tabled, and you just might have struck oil presenting your issue in this forum.
With kids in the dating scene, I sympathize. The whole thing is messed up on both the world & church sides. It truly is proof that Jesus has to come first.
American schools & churches used to put out marriage material. But, now it's all about self. Sex, career, video games, etc. The dating pool is way thin at churches, if you can find a church young enough, & one you can believe with.
Generally, everyone is looking to the world to pass the time. Church values are a rare find. Christianity is muddied with its own divisions, while it's just another way of life to choose from to the world. Jesus values take too much work to develop. The world is easy.
Single people, today, are told their thoughts are more legitimate than their parents'. You're exactly right, Gator. It's sad. But, Jesus can heal that hole.
The old saying that we all have our own cross to bear rings true. As this world gets darker & darker, we see scripture more & more true. Christians are waking up to the fact that the hard road leads to life. It takes faith to act on what we don't see. And, what matters most isn't marriage or sex. It's Jesus.
Single & married believers all have that heart burden. That issue, or issues. That lesson to learn of giving up our life for Christ's sake. America of the past afforded us to be Christians without it costing much. Now? Bearing a cross hurts. But, if you can imagine that Heaven is better than an orgasm, you are on your way to better things.
I'm praying for gladness. We've seen the world, & its burden that pulls to the grave, then to Hell. Now, we need to see the burden Jesus yokes us with, that is lighter, & easier. I'm praying for you, me, & all the church to realize that we have reason to be glad under Jesus' easier & lighter burden. Yoked with Him instead of the unbearable burden of the wold, & sin. He will not leave, nor forsake you. The best marriage & orgasm here on earth is but a slight glimpse of the eternal sensation we will live in Heaven, one day. Keep the faith no matter what, Gator. Single, or married, Jesus works, Jesus redeems. Jesus saves. Be faithful with the little you have. Start there & see where God takes it. He will reward!
Thanks for the post. Believe, brother.
First of all, 34 is not too old. You have options within the 18-32 years range, all of which are acceptable world wide. You'll be better off looking within the lower limits of that age range.
Now, money might attract women, and good sex might interest them a lot, but neither of those will bring you the wife that will stick to you till the very end. Point is, you will need to work on your game. Take on activities that build you up spirit, mind and body to build your confidence and self esteem. Develope your conversational skills and be very open to rejection, not living in fear of it.
Scrutinise the women you meet independent of your carnal desires and longings, and vet those that qualify for your time, attention and energy before you consider them as options.
Above all of these, if you want a wife that you have chances of making it through the rest of life with smoothly, prefer the women that prefer you. Check among those that have genuine interest for you: they are the ones that listen to you, deferring to your points of view, respect you and are eager to be of use to you.
Doing these will help you not only keep the fields you took time out to prepare first, but expand them at leisure.
About the women telling you they want to hear from God first, they just aren't that into you. waste no time with them. Keep your eyes on the look out for Rebekah or Ruth as they were with Issac and Boaz.
For yourself, the closer you get to God, the clearer the differences between truth and religion will be made to you.
Love this. Awesome reply.