Safety
Trigger warning: mentions of sexual assault/abuse.
This is a story from when we were first married. I had suffered from sexual trauma in my past relationship before my husband.
My husband was on top of me in our bed. Soft kisses and warm light filled the room with love and pleasure. Everything was sensual, hot, and going well when suddenly I felt panic arise in my chest.
I wasn’t in our bed anymore. I was in his bed. Warm soft feelings turned to pain and burning as I was transported back to a dark place. A dark twisted place of fear and shame where I had my innocence stolen from me without my consent in a place far from home and everyone I knew.
It was dark and cold there and I saw his face in the darkness smirking at me but it was not the face of my husband. No, it was a face I was terrified of. A face of nightmares. The face of a man who had forced himself onto me with no regard for me or what I wanted.
“Kayla what’s wrong?” I could hear my husband’s voice, but my mind was somewhere else.
“Hey, it’s okay. Oh boy. Kayla, it’s me. It’s Bryce.” I felt my hand in his. It brought my hand up to the shadowy face of my abuser. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see that face. I felt something. A beard. Right. My abuser didn’t have a beard.
I slowly opened my eyes. Warm brown eyes. Dim lights. Anything sexual had been stopped. It was my husband again, no, it was my abuser again. I was so confused. I started panicking because my husband’s face and his face were interchanging before my eyes. I didn’t know where I was anymore. I froze and started shaking with fear.
“Why is this happening? I don’t understand.”
I couldn’t breathe. I was hyperventilating.
“It’s okay I’m here. I won’t hurt you. Hey, breathe. You’re okay. You’re safe.”
I honestly don’t recall what I remembered or what I saw in the next 15 minutes. I just recall my vision blurring into blackness, but when I came to, I was wrapped in a big blanket and my husband was wrapped around that big blanket holding me. My face was wet with tears and I was in a different position than I remembered being in when the panic started.
“Shhh, it’s okay.” Bryce said quietly. “You had a panic attack, my love. You don’t need to get up. I’m here. See? It’s me. It’s your husband. You’re safe. I’ll never do anything to hurt you.”
I was safe. I was warm, and I was in the arms of my husband. He could have done any number of things and I wouldn’t have remembered it by the end of my panic attack, but he chose to stop everything, wrap me up, and hold me close until it was over.
I was safe and I would always be safe with him.
This occurrence kept happening over and over. Every time it did, he did the same thing. He kept holding me and telling me that I’m safe until it all but stopped happening anymore.
It got less and less frequent until one day I didn’t even notice that I stopped having these panic attacks. It was truly okay
I was safe
I would always be safe.
This story is such a mixture of both pain and love.
I’m sorry that you suffered such trauma. I’m also very thankful that you have found such a wonderful, trusting, secure, and loving relationship with your husband.
I am extraordinarily thankful to have found my Husband. I tell him that all of the pain and bad luck I have suffered in my life was made up for when God gave him to me, and I believe that.
I couldn’t have appreciated how blessed I am now without experiencing the pain of my past, so in a way I am grateful for it because I understand what everything good I have is truely worth!
Amen! I feel the same way!
Oh my, your story moved me so much! I am so sorry you had to experience that trauma and then the ensuing panic attacks. I've never been abused in any way (praise to the Lord), but I do have some depression and have gone through panic attacks. They are very scary. The tender care of your husband was just so sweet. I'm glad you are blest with a man like that. I pray to find a similar one. May the Lord keep healing you of that past hurt.
I pray you find the kind of love I have with my husband in your future spouse! I know from personal experience how terrifying panic attacks are. I experience blackouts with my attacks and I remember how scary it was when I was alone when no one was there to remind me where I was or that I was okay or how much time had passed or why I was on the floor. I was completely terrified of them. I pray you find the kind of partner to give you the same care and love I have recieved through your mental health struggles, because knowing how hard it is alone makes me so appreciative of how different the experience can be with someone that loves you and helps you
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable, haunting, blessed story. As an abuse survivor, I felt my heart thudding like crazy while reading your narrative; yet there was a deep sense of gratitude for your courage in putting all of this into words. Like you, I am blessed with a spouse who sometimes has to just nurse me through a flashback. No one who hasn't been there can truly understand what I call falling into the pit. Your story did an amazing job of describing it, though, and conveying what it's like to have someone love you through it.
I just want to hug you through my screen. It makes my heart happy that my story describes something and puts words to something that others have experienced, but it breaks my heart knowing when others have been through the same thing. I would never wish flashbacks and panic on anyone. May you continue to receive healing from the Lord and God bless your spouse who has helped you through these things like mine has.
This is a difficult story to read. You see both my wife n I are survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
How your Bryce handled this is wonderful. My Melody n I both got therapy before we met. In fact, we both were in individual therapy when we were dating & into our marriage. Later we got more therapy and even sex therapy together.
For us the therapy helped prepare us for a fulfilling and sex-filled marriage. The additional therapy improved our marriage and reduced conflict.
There are certain things that we never do. Once in a while one of us will trigger and the spouse will do a Bryce. The bad feelings now only last a few seconds and those triggers happen very rarely now. Often the trigger is not when we are making love.
So you have been blessed with a great man to be your kind n loving husband. That’s wonderful! Melody n I are completely open about telling the other that we’ve been triggered. In fact we say, “Trigger, trigger.” And the non-triggers spouse knows what to do. Triggering happens simultaneously sometimes but our kindness to each other calms us both down. So we have been blessed too!
God bless both of you! My heart goes out to anyone who truely understands the pain I describe in this story, or anyone who can in any way relate. I’m very happy to hear it has resonated with so many and touched so many. It was a difficult story to write, but I felt it was important to share as it might help someone understand and help their significant other or find a bit of comfort knowing someone else has been there
This broke my heart and warmed it at the same time. Such a terrible, beautiful, bittersweet story. Horrible things make such an effective backdrop to contrast and show the true beauty of wonderful things. I'm so grateful that I was never sexually abused, but through much personal hardship, some of which has caused me trauma in sexual areas, I have come to know from personal experience how darkness can reveal and enhance our perception, understanding, appreciation and love for the light.
God bless Bryce for being such a selfless source of comfort, support and healing for you! I am so glad to hear how far you have come in your healing. Praise God for the restoring work of love he does in us! I pray you continue healing and growing into a thriving sexual relationship with your husband.
I completely agree, and would say my past trauma has made me appreciate my husband’s goodness all the more.
We have a very deep trust in our relationship which can also be attributed to hard times such as these and difficult situations that we help each other through.
Sexual trauma runs very deep and is filled with Shame, vulnerability, and fear. I even had a nerve pain condition as a result of my trauma for some time, and that has gotten better too.
At one point I needed to use lidocaine to numb the whole area and I remember starting at the bottle one day, throwing it across the room and breaking down crying because i felt completely broken having to numb everything in order to have a normal human experience.
I don’t need to use numbing agents anymore (Praise the Lord) and Bryce has been a big part in helping me through everything, rebuilding my trust, and healing my past wounds
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Sorry you had to go through that.
For any SA or Child SA victims, Mrs Heat is a therapist who uses emdr to treat trauma. If anyone in MH land is dealing with abuse trauma, locate an emdr therapist in your area. It can help give you freedom.
That was a hard story to read and I am sure it took a lot of courage for you to post it.
Your husband appears to be a patient and understanding man. I am glad he is able to help you feel safe again.
I am reminded of a quote.
“The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” ― Matthew Henry