My Introduction – Trying to Understand
Hello,
For right now I will go by J on this forum. I’ve been browsing this website for a few years but I’ve never really interacted, just been on the sidelines. I have recently been going through a mental/physical/spiritual crisis when it comes to sexual desire and my urges I face on a daily basis. I want to use my first post to really just introduce myself and share my story until this point. Thank you for reading this.
I am 21 years old. I have been raised in a Christian home, my father is a pastor and I love the Lord Jesus Christ. I thank Him for saving me from my sins through His death and resurrection on the third day. I workout constantly—I love the gym. I have a job, and I’m working towards getting going into my real adulthood. And I am single. I’ve been single my whole life.
I pray for God to put a woman in my life, and I continue daily to try to improve my life and position so I can be the best man I possibly can be. I will admit it’s very hard sometimes. I have been rejected, put in the friendzone—I just don’t have the best success when it comes to women. I’m trying my best to be patient, but I can’t lie, it’s hard sometimes. But I’m continuing to pray.
My struggle lately is in regard to porn and masturbation. I was exposed to porn when I was 11 years old, and I engaged in watching it through my teen years, knowing it was wrong, but I struggled with breaking free. To this day I still go through phases. And I will admit I have used MarriageHeat to edge or release. I’m on the fence about masturbation, especially when it comes to masturbation with porn versus MarriageHeat. They both would be the same in nature, I guess.
I just want a woman. I recognize it may not be time, but I’m just struggling. And I am a very horny guy. I want to have sex, but I want to honor God, I do not want to be in sin. I’m just venting here.
I’m thinking about using this forum to share my thoughts and fantasies about my future (if that’s allowed). I thank y’all for reading and understanding. Please pray for me, and if you have any advice, whether single or married, please feel free to share. Thank you.
Welcome, I think a lot of men have these questions! And thankfully Marriage Heat is here to provide relief in whatever way that you want. 😉 I have an upcoming post about some of my struggles with porn and I don't think that any man is immune to its power, unless he's blind! Sadly it isn't scheduled to post for at least another three months. God has delivered me from the effects of porn, though it wasn't in a day, it took years. And as with a lot of things in my life, it seems to be like waves on the beach, so further progress is made in the high points and if I do relapse occasionally, I've learned to be gracious and forgiving to myself, something I could never do when I was a young man.
I think a lot of Christians get it wrong because they try to heap shame and condemnation onto people (not just boys) and they automatically equate porn with masturbation, which it is NOT. I dealt with a lot of these feelings myself at some point, but I don't trust the perspective of any book that would go that route (I'm looking at you, EVERY YOUNG MAN'S BATTLE), because how dare they attack the normal biological processes inherent in all boys from their teenage years on? I don't believe that God intends for us to suffer as much as possible in this life so that we can "earn" Salvation in the next. (I am assuming you're male based on the photograph but it works the same even if you're not)
There's an article that I like on artofmanliness.com called "How to quit porn for good," which I think gives a much-needed perspective. And the thing that I like most is that porn is equated to junk food. It's also the sentiment expressed here: https://marriageheat.com/2023/12/24/masturbation-for-single-christians/ So if you can look at porn not from the perspective of it being this evil thing that you must never look at or you are evil too, to something that is just unhealthy for you and likely to make you fat, it will hopefully help you in that regard. Also it's likely to create a downward spiral where you crave ever bigger thrills and more depravity–for an excellent depiction of the downward spiral of sexual addiction I'd recommend reading CRASH by J.G. Ballard, the singular book that really helped me get a perspective on how harmful porn could be. (and I totally forgot to mention it in my upcoming story!)
I'd be leery of using ANYTHING that becomes a crutch to help you orgasm, and that does include this website as well, so I understand you questioning the difference between "regular" porn and MH. The best thing that I can recommend is that you learn to enjoy masturbation without any sort of outside stimuli, and especially go cold-turkey on anything visual like porn. Masturbation can and should be about learning and enjoying your body's responses, and training yourself to be a better lover, and you can't do that if you're focused solely on the end goal. And fantasize about a potential future wife, not anyone particular. These techniques REALLY helped me get a handle on not only my porn usage but also to find balance with my sexuality, and I wish I had started sooner than I did! You have plenty of time, and it's great that you're wrestling with these questions so early.
Also, I can't promise you that you'll meet the love of your life in the next few years and be blissfully married with no need to ever masturbate. I hope you'd see it as an enjoyable activity whether it's with your wife or by yourself, instead of something secondary or "lesser." I'm in my late 30s and have never even kissed a girl, and realize that I was far too passive so now I'm trying to reclaim my dating life. I can't say too many complimentary things about American culture in this regard, but the whole Bible school attitude of "Ring by Spring" doesn't always work (or last, sadly), and I tend to doubt that a lot of people are ready to marry so early, not with their long list of expectations that might turn to resentment if left unfulfilled. It seems rare indeed to find a woman out there these days who is WORTH marrying, and I've seen a lot of men who later in life regret their choice of wives and wish they'd taken the time to ask God what His will was or whom He wanted them to marry. But waiting on God can be so hard sometimes, and we think that we need to help Him out so that it'll come faster.
I know that a lot of old-man-advice about "Seek ye first the kingdom of God" can seem stodgy and generic, though I can really say that seeking Jesus truly is its own reward. And there are numerous verses in the Bible to that effect, the one that I go back to a lot is Psalm 37:4. It's just hard to seek God without it becoming about the ulterior motives! Another one that I think GOD really led me to is the parable of the persistent widow in Luke 18. God WANTS us to pester Him with our prayers, and it's certainly a better choice to go constantly back to Him than to try to make things happen in our own power.
It looks like you have a great perspective and habits already, with regard to preparing to be a wonderful husband someday. I know it sucks sometimes to hear "what you're doing is great, keep going," especially if what you're looking for is that ONE THING that will make the difference. I'm still learning myself that the JOURNEY is far more important than the destination, but that's an important lesson that can be applied also to sex and masturbation! I don't know if you watch a lot of youtube videos but I've found some solid Christian advice about finding your spouse from Mark Ballenger, Stephan Labossiere, and Kaci Nicole, as well as more worldly but still good stuff from Courtney Ryan and Sarah Dawn Moore. I hope some of what I've said can help you, and also that the Spirit will guide you into all truth.
Hey HorneyVirginKept,
Well done for taking the plunge and starting your MH contributor journey, I hope you will find it as cathartic and fulfilling as I have.
It took what felt like forever for Master Joe and me to meet. For years, we both carried the weight of shame over our kinks, desires, and fantasies, hidden parts of ourselves we thought were too flawed to share. Our turning point came one Sunday evening after a service when a small group of Christian singles headed out for drinks. That first night, after one glass too many, Master Joe and I began talking. That conversation led us to walk the enchanting streets of Paris all night, ultimately finding ourselves in a charming café near the Sacré-Coeur de Montmartre at Six am.
In that magical moment, I realised he was the key to unlocking a part of me I had long hidden. Our connection blossomed into a dynamic built on love, trust, and mutual respect.
"Why are you telling me this, Lauren?" I can hear you say.
I share this story because I genuinely believe everyone can find that person that truly gets them. I know that you will be able to find the Lock that fits your key (Innuendo implied.)
That Someone who will accept your past, your struggles, and the wonderful kinks that make you you. Someone who will relate to and honour your desires and love them wholly. This was achieved with honest communication, a walk, and a bottle or two of Bordeaux.
Keep your heart open, and trust that your key will find its lock.
Your journey, though challenging at times, is paving the way for a profoundly fulfilling connection in the future.
In prayer with warmth and encouragement,
Master Joe and his proud sub Lauren
xxx
Unfortunately, we cannot influence the appearance of videos on YouTube, such as: how to make a martyr's belt, how not to pay taxes and how to get rid of porn and masturbation. First they deceive you that porn and masturbation are inseparable. Then they say fight. But why fight what the Creator put in you?! Isn't it better to masturbate and thank God for giving you genitals? Okay, let's move on to those harmful and dangerous advices that the church has imposed since the Victorian era. So the next thing they throw in your face is fake stories about those who supposedly overcame the flesh. But when you check the facts, it turns out that they still "break down" from time to time. It's like someone struggling to pee and ending up doing it in his pants from time to time … So we have a whole army of those struggling with supposed lust, exhausted from useless labor. The damage done by the so-called church in the matter of masturbation is enormous. These "ministers" sleep peacefully in their beds, while millions of young people suffer, not daring to touch their bodies to get a discharge. May God cleanse your conscience, so that you can enjoy masturbation without porn and feel no condemnation.
@hornyvirginkept I want to first say your struggle is normal, very normal. And the more you focus and shame or feel guilt about your desires and wants it is likely the worse they will get. Also just a bit of advice if you want to stop doing something, be very clear about what it is and what you are doing and then why or what are the triggers.
For example, for me I started porn because I was trying to find how-to's techniques etc that were natural and not fake because I was told I was a terrible lover by my wife. This lead me down a rabbit hole of stuff that did end up corrupting my mind and making me feel less than and much shame because I felt like less than as a man. I also realized that there was a trigger that caused me to want to look at it, because ultimately porn causes a dopamine spike in our brains. It releases chemicals that make us feel good. So what were my triggers that were causing me to want to feel good, because I was inadvertently training my body/brain to want that dopamine fix every time that trigger happened. Then by being aware of the trigger and voluntary committing to an accountability partner that was able to massively help in the reduction of the desire.
That is also very different from self-pleasure, I am in the process of specific courses of self-pleasure because I am trying to remap my nervous system that is tied to my arousal since I would like much much greater control of my arousal and ejaculation. When you realize that ejaculation is just a build up of sexual energy and tension in the gentiles and you are able to work through actively releasing that tension or cycling the energy through the body, you can gain far far more self control or likely confidence.
I know it is hard but try to embrace your sexuality as something positive and internally as a gift you will be able to give to your future spouse that will build confidence and a desire to go out and seek a spouse and something that a spouse will be attracted to.
Also another piece of advice, look up some books on healthy masculinity and a book called "No more Mister Nice guy" and pull from it the things that align with your values. From your post, I think those might be useful.
NO MORE MR. NICE GUY by Robert Glover, I second that suggestion!
Welcome, hornyvirginkept! It's always great to see other singles join this community and engage in dialogue. Since you've been a reader on here for awhile, you may be familiar with my story. I struggled with guilt because I was taught that masturbation was sinful, and I also had fears and disgust about sex after learning about it at age 19 (I know, that was WAY too late in life for that). But God got me seeking, studying, and praying, and my views were transformed. I think back to who I was at 20, and who I am now at 29, and I'm amazed. Biblically, I am convinced that masturbation is fine. God gave us our bodies and an outlet for sexual desires that keeps us pure while we wait for marriage. He also gave us brains! Who'd have thought that we should explore and get understanding BEFORE going into marriage, as we do with just about every other area of life? (Sarcasm intended.) As to lust, Jesus looks on the heart. When He says, "Whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery in his heart", He interestingly does not condemn the looking. I think we need to roll back the premise that all nudity or sensual images are evil. I've learned that you can look at such things with admiration and appreciation. Personally, if I do see a picture or video or person in real life where there are things I find attractive or desirable, I immediately turn it to picturing my future husband. The heart is the issue. So if one can keep purity of heart while masturbating, I do not see a sin. Also, masturbation should be used to learn about yourself and what works, enabling you to be as knowledgeable a lover as you can to your future spouse. Though I have come so far in my journey of actually knowing how my body works (which for years I didn't), I have a long way to go. All this to say, keep seeking Jesus and the purity He gives, enjoy His gift of sexuality to you, and get rid of the noise and mess of both the world's perverted views of sex and the church's prudish ones. The Bible is the Words of God and I think He gives us a pretty plain idea of what sexuality looks like, especially in the Song of Solomon. And speaking of that, SoS clearly speaks of the female in the story enjoying her own body. Sounds like masturbation to me!
HornyVirginKept,
Pray often, pray always.
God made you, your body, your sexuality, it is good.
What you raise has been talked about often.
See this article on lust: https://marriageheat.com/2017/02/23/lust-new-perspective/
What I wrote for women: https://marriageheat.com/2024/06/02/masturbation-as-sexual-purity/
And the advice I give men: https://marriageheat.com/2025/01/26/can-christian-singles-write-erotica/#comment-66465
LovelyLonelyLady, above gives good advice.
Is watchin porn any different from coming across a couple having sex in a secluded spot out in nature?
Yes and no.
No, because sex is a natural act created by God, as well as your desire to engage in it.
Yes, because a lot of what you see online is rubbish. I also hear that algorithms are targeting young people with violent porn, boys are choking girls during sex because they have (falsely) learned through porn that, that is what sex is like no.
A lot of it is also illicit sex: fornication or/and adultery, that is sin you should not be involved in.
I generally suggest masturbation videos as it avoids the sins above, it also helps you learn about sexual response, even then, you need to be aware of fakes.
Have you talked with your parents? (Your dad is a pastor, he won't be stupid.)
My kids will sometimes ask me about a story or video they have seen.
We raised them to be open about sex, including masturbation being natural and from God.
Parents primary job is to get each other and guide their kids in the direction of God/heaven.
On earth to help their children with relationships, let them help, ask their advice, ask them together.
They probably already know about MH, ask their opinion on it.
If you get a negative response, that is them having hang-ups, pray for them.
Confidence draws a woman. I would just concentrate on being friendly, kind, and considerate to the fairer sex and pretty soon one will want to be with you.
I also recommend driving a full size truck with at least 20 inch rims and a muscular look, 4WD- 4th generation Ram or and F150 with an off road package.
Hey HornyVirginKept, 25 M been single all of my life too. Nice to meet ya!!
Can I just say your struggle isn’t just normal, it’s a hunger you have been built with and being single and horny and Christian equates to having very little options to satisfy it in the middle of finding a God honoring, Proverbs 31 wife. You start with puberty as a teen and now many years removed from that initial start of this hunger, you are now in the biologically defined “sexual prime of your life”.
That’s 1 thing that’s helped me feel somewhat better about this struggle. There’s an implicit “lie” that’s told repeatedly to teens that once they get older their sexual horniness will become more manageable so just wait for that. And sure in some aspects like having multiple random boners in day or persistent wet dreams sure those tend to die down. But I know at least for me once I entered my 20s, it’s as if my sexual desire has remained in this incredibly high state AT ALL TIMES.
It’s very rare for me to not feel horny enough by bedtime to masturbate every night, if not every other night. I too struggle with porn since I first encountered it on Wikipedia at 13. Yes to this day, I struggle with porn myself.
MarriageHeat has helped me with being single and horny because as I’m pulling away from what I’m usually tempted to watch or see in porn that often disrespects and degrades all parties involved, I’m getting the opportunity to relearn what real marital sexuality actually looks like.
Song of Songs/Solomon proves 2 things about the Bible and talking about sex. 1. Lust and thinking about what it would be like to have a future wife in a sexual way aren’t the same thing. The poems have multiple characters conversing about very explicitly sexual topics with 0 shame and seemingly 0 sin. If the definition of lust must include every moment of sexual desire a person has outside of being in a marital status, then the same should be said of those talking about sex in Song of Songs. And 2. God incredibly intentional of what He adds or doesn’t add in scripture. What He explicitly denies is abundantly clear, and any modern unmentioned issue in the Bible can often line up closely with what is in the Word. Men and Women throughout the creation of scripture and ancient Israel I promise were no stranger to masturbation. Masturbation isn’t modern like video games are, it’s something humans have practiced since creation. So if God doesn’t give an explicit denial of masturbation (like He did for so many other acts) but a stark encouragement to get married, I’ve reasoned this being a matter of leaning on the Holy Spirit to guide you. If it handling your sexual desires by masturbating to MarriageHeat stories doesn’t pull you from God, kewl! Go for it and feel no shame! If it does pull you towards sin, also kewl! Continue to lean on God for guidance on how to handle your sexual hunger! But in both paths notice how really the correct answer is to lean on God more!
Sorry that was long just had a couple of thoughts for ya, hope that helps!!