Convictions
A Note from MarriageHeat
We don’t have a tag for things like this, as we do for other potentially distasteful content, but we’ll give a warning anyway.
This post recounts a very difficult story—a journey through multiple instances of sexual abuse, and a struggle with multiple kinds of sexual sin, some of which stray very far into darkness, as the author herself admits. As such, it may be triggering for those who have struggled with sexual abuse or addiction involving extreme taboos. Reader discretion is advised.
And please remember to maintain a Christ-like attitude of grace and love while reading and commenting. Thank you.
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I guess I should start by introducing myself. I’m a 34-year-old wife and mother. I’ve been married for 17 years—and yes, you read that correctly. I have 2 teenage children, the oldest being 17 years old.
I have a history of being sexually abused. The first time was by my younger brother’s friend when I was around 7. It awakened something scary inside me.
Soon after that, my female cousin convinced me to kiss her and rub on her. I was so desperate for a friend or attention that I’d have done anything, so I did.
Another time when I was about 10, I was offered money to touch a grown man’s penis (a family member). I declined and he went away, but the memory stayed forever.
I was not, and I am not, a regular-looking person. Most people call me ugly. I’m scarred, short, and outrageously sarcastic.
We moved constantly when I was young. I didn’t have many friends, and after being severely bullied, I became a bully as well.
I turned to books as an escape, and I found books that made me “tingle” at a young age. I liked the feeling, so I chased it. I would read erotica in the form of romantic suspense books written for adults. I would rub myself on the edge of the bathtub or on my teddy bears. I’d pretend to make out with my teddy bears, too.
I felt ashamed and scared of my desires and feelings. My interest in sexual things didn’t seem to end. As I got older, I stopped rubbing myself on things but continued reading titillating books.
When I was 13 years old, I was having a sleepover at a cousin’s house (not the same cousin mentioned before), and an older male cousin, around 20+ years old, touched me inappropriately. I just tried to forget what happened.
At 14, I started to hang out with a group that always drank. One day I got drunk with “friends” and one of them tried to have sex with me. He was unable to make it work, so he gave up. I guess the group realized I was so desperate for male attention that I’d do almost anything. So every weekend they’d get me drunk, and I made out with some of them.
One night I went to a party with my best friend. I got very drunk and her older brother, about 20, led me out to his car, where he asked me to do various sexual things. We got caught, but I was so drunk that I don’t even remember how I got home. I’m just so happy I didn’t get pregnant. I was more careful about my drinking after that.
I never told anyone about any of these incidents, and I was embarrassed.
At 15 years old, I met my husband. He was 18 at the time. We went on our first date, a movie and dinner. Later, I was on his lap in his truck, we were making out. I liked him, so I thought that to keep him, I should have sex with him. So I made advances, but he denied them and said it was too soon for that type of relationship. He dropped me off at home like a gentleman.
We continued to go out for over a year, with no sexual contact. After I turned 16 and he was then 19, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. (Puppy love, what can you do?) Soon after that, we had sex for the first time. I became pregnant immediately.
When my parents found out, my dad didn’t talk to me for months, but my mom supported me unconditionally. My husband’s parents are very conservative/traditional and insisted we get married. No one, besides my sister, knew we were already engaged.
So at the ripe old age of 17, I became a mother and shortly thereafter a wife.
I became obsessed with sex. I bought books about it, watched porn, and thought about it far too often. I tried to copy the positions I saw, the noises, and even the facial expressions. But I never found satisfaction in any of it, not even in the physical act itself.
I eventually found a genre of books specifically enticing: werewolves—books where the characters have sex both in and out of werewolf form.
It got me curious, and it led me to a very dark side of porn: beastiality.
I became obsessed with watching people with animals. I was embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I knew it was wrong. I was horrified when it brought me to an even darker side of porn, and an ad popped up about children. I was so horrified, mortified, and scared I exited out immediately. I cried. How could I have gone so far as to have that advertised to me? I had become a monster.
I threw away all my educational books on sex, stopped watching porn, and tried to get right with God.
Years went by. We moved far away from family, and my husband was constantly working. I became very depressed. I started reading erotic romantic suspense books again, which led me to porn and touching myself.
I had finally found out how to have the big O. Anytime I had time by myself, I’d masturbate to porn—woman with man, woman on woman, man on man—anything got me going. Eventually, bestiality came to mind again. I was more careful about which websites I went on. I kept to animals and went no further, but it still felt so dirty and shameful.
This continued on and off for years. At times I’d feel severe conviction and stop for months or years at a time, but I’d always come back.
I’ll add here that my husband loves me and wants to have sex often. He loves trying new things. He does not lack for libido, it’s I who struggles with libido. Fighting with depression and anxiety, being on and off prescriptions, and having a partial hysterectomy takes its toll.
This year, it came back to me—the need to self-release. I try not to watch porn—I stuck to the sexy parts of “normal” movies, and I’d gone on to read sexy stories online, but the beastiality kept coming back to my mind.
Now every time I masturbate, I feel dirty, and the conviction is strong. I failed again. Even if the stories are about men and women, I still feel horrible. If I read about a woman and a dog, it gets me off, but then I’m ashamed again.
Why am I so disgusting? Why am I a monster? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get rid of this once and for all!!!???
Literally no one in my life knows this about me. I have no close friends to confide in. I tried online therapy, but they thought I was joking. I’m a sick human being in need of help.
I go to church regularly, I love God, but I fail constantly and so hard. Sorry for the dragged-out story.
I’m ready for the ridicule. Have at. Light your pitchforks and come at me.
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From Marriage Heat: Again, please remember to maintain a Christ-like attitude of grace and love while you are commenting.
I am so sorry that you have suffered so much. Thank you for being brave enough to come forward and write this all down.
Monstrous things were done to you, but you are not the monster. You are not alone in your struggle.
Sex is, in my opinion, our second strongest drive, only following hunger. It is a need that must be met, and our minds, the unsaved, natural, and fleshly part of our minds will stop at nothing in attempt to satisfy the appetite.
I want you to understand that I’m not an expert and I haven’t suffered the same type of abuse that you have, but I hope you’ll allow me to present a few (hopefully 😊) helpful truths. Not a single one of these is presented from a judgmental heart.
1. Masturbation itself is not wrong – Song of Solomon 5:5 (In fact, read Song of Solomon as if it’s erotica, because it is 😉)
2. Sex itself is good – Hebrews 13:4
3. We all sin – Romans 3:23, 1 John 1:8
4. Forgiveness is available – 1 John 1:9
5. We have an advocate with the Father – 1 John 2:1
6. It’s possible to walk in the Spirit – Galatians 5:16
7. It’s possible to control our thoughts – 2 Corinthians 10:5
8. You are a conqueror – Romans 8:37
9. Victory is available – 1 Corinthians 15:57
10. God wants to give you peace – John 16:33
11. There is a way to escape temptation – 1 Corinthians 10:13
I will pray for you CanadianLady91.
Yours in Christ – KM
Dear friend, let me share a brief response. In fact, I created an account here on MH just to reply to your story, and this is my first post. I should also give a little background for context. I am a evangelical pastor with an earned (accredited) doctorate in theology, and have pastored for over 15 years. I have worked with many people, married or otherwise, on their personal issues. I love the Lord with all my heart. In spite of this, I am in the midst of an unwanted divorce- my wife cheated on me and left me (and our kids) for her lover, a work colleague. I fought for the marriage for a very long time, but sinners have some degree of autonomy to sin, so she is making her own very painful and destructive decisions. I hate it, but here we are.
These experiences have given me some context for the story you have shared, and let me say, I am so very sorry to hear of your pain for so many years. One thing that you said in your story stood out (probably not what you think!). What you said was, after many years, you turned to the Lord. God has your heart, but certain impulses are still buried deep within you. In order to change, people must go through steps of change- turning to the Lord is simply the first step, and of course the right step, but not the final step. We have to commit to all the steps to see meaningful and lasting change.
I want to suggest that your desire for dark sexual stimulation is, in part, your brain searching for excitement, in whatever form or fashion. People who are raised in toxic, abusive relationships (as you have described) get used to a certain level of stimulation, and without that, life can seem "boring." Certainly, 17 years of marriage can seem boring after a while! So the brain seeks out what it knows or feels to be exciting, and these things stimulate us, even if they simultaneously disgust us. In fact, the level of disgust or self-abhorrence can add to the layer of excitement- we know what we are doing is taboo, and we loathe it, but that is a big part of what keeps us hooked.
I am not giving quick or easy solutions here, because that would be deceptive. Lasting change takes time, commitment, and the first step of understanding and openness to God. Ultimately, God brings peace.
Blessings!
Wow! Where to begin? Pitchforks? Never!
You see, I am a guy who has also struggled with sexual sin (pornography) my entire life. And a girl in junior high school told me to my face that I was the ugliest guy she had ever seen.
So, I got married out of desperation. After 33 years of rejection after rejection, I married a woman 7-1/2 years older than me. And now, after 20 years of a tumultuous marriage, the last eight have been sexless.
So here I am, an ugly, un-loveable man with unmet desires. All I have ever wanted is to be loved for who I am. By God's grace, I am finally free from pornography, but I masturbate on a regular basis. I have needs.
Enough about me, but I want you to know that you have found what I believe to be a very sympathetic family. Nobody on here is going to condemn you for your struggles, and none of us believe masturbation in and of itself is a sin. I will pray for you. I don't know what else to offer, but to tell you that I love you as you are, a sister in Christ.
I hope some others on here can offer you some better words of encouragement, but just know, I care and empathize with you. You clearly have suffered a horrible emotional past, as have I. You are not alone. Keep the faith, sister.
Blessings.
Every time you share more of your story, Steady89, my heart breaks for you, as it does for every hurting person on here. I am so sorry you were called "ugly". My response to that is that everyone is beautiful in their unique way. It might not be everyone's preference, but it is someone's. The girl who was cruel enough to say that probably had a lot of self-worth issues and was hurting others because she had been hurt. I pray you do not put stock in what she said. In God's eyes, you're perfect. I am praying that your marriage is healed, or that you can be released to find another woman who will adore and respect you.
LLL,
As always, I really, really appreciate your empathy, kindness, understanding, and prayers.
I am a broken man.
I ache for anyone going through that kind of thing. If it is possible, please, PLEASE consider getting out of that marriage. 20 years of agony is not what you were intended for. Your wife has abandoned her marital vows and thus you, and that is grounds for divorce in Scripture. I'm praying for you, brother.
First of all, thank you for opening up and sharing with this community. That is not an easy thing to do. My compassion goes out to you, especially because I too have depression and anxiety. I admit I have no experience as a counselor. However, two pretty major things jump out at me concerning your situation.
One: you mentioned loving God, but not that you have a relationship with Jesus. If you haven't put your faith in Him and asked Him to save and forgive you, your heart (and thus your behavior) won't change. Jesus alone has power to redeem you and transform the way you think, feel, and act. My experience is very different from yours, but let me say that only the Word of God, the Scriptures, have literally rescued me from darkness. I plead with you to run to Jesus, cry out to Him, stake your life on His promise of salvation, and repent. He loves you beyond comprehension.
Second, it is very possible that you are dealing with some physical ailment. Depression is often caused by an underlying health issue (in my case, chronic inflammation). I try to encourage people to see a holistic or functional doctor who will get to root causes and do more extensive blood work than most mainstream medical professionals do. There are a lot of answers out there, and unfortunately the money-hungry medical establishment and big pharma put gain above actually helping people. This has been my experience, my family's experience, and the experience of many people I know.
You will be in my prayers as you tackle this. Jesus longs to help and rescue you, and we here at MH want the same thing for you. You are loved here and welcome to ask further questions.
Dearest CanadianLady91,
Know that you are loved.
None of our situations are the same, but the solution is always the same.
MarriageHeat does not allow direct links to other sites, for good reasons, but they have let me mention my blog site a few times. It contains my testimony and expresses my desires to help people.
My blog is "undeserving(dot)me", and you should be able to find it using a simple Internet search, or by typing "www(dot)" in front of it. The specific post I would like you to look at is titled "Free". I wrote it in 2016 and it is about a very significant moment in my life. Please consider it.
Always difficult to read anoint such a troubled childhood. And the desperate attempts to find pleasure. Scary how many of us were introduced to some kind of sexual activity that we knew were wrong but the pleasure we felt prevented us from stopping. Teddy bears and pet dogs can be of such comfort but when we let it spread into activity that is the wrong kind of sexual satisfaction we need help. Others influenced me into trying many things you were exposed to. Luckily I was a bit older and learned to say no before too much damage was done. Hopefully MH can be helpful in your finding the path to self forgiveness. Resist the self blame for enjoying things you now know were bad. Thinking something was horrible if it felt good and brought you to orgasm is a confusing place. Just know you are not alone, others have and do struggle.
Dear CanadianLady91,
Your words really touched my heart.
My first impulse is that I want you to know that what you shared – immediately made you and your life matter to me (and many on MH).
You have suffered a lot of pain. I believe that God has not only sustained you – but has the power and love to bring you comfort and healing.
What our greatest need is – is to put our trust in Jesus Christ. No one has suffered more than Jesus. He is willing and able to fully sympathize with our weaknesses, sins, and pain – because He willingly suffered – and all who trust in Him receive full forgiveness.
I want to mention one great verse from God's Word, the Bible. Canadian Lady, I hope the truth of this verse touches you. It is from the New Testament letter – 2 Corinthians 1:20.
It says that all the good promises that God made to save and restore sinners – are realized in Jesus Christ.
Canadian Lady – it is saying that Jesus is totally sufficient for our great needs. "Every one of God's promises is yes in Jesus". This includes your needs.
I can't tell you anything better or more hopeful than that. I personally know the dirtiness and guilt that you inwardly feel so often.
I have my dirty past too. Something similar happened to me at a young age. I want you to know I can relate. I know that monster, too.
I encourage you to trust Jesus each day. Listen to the teaching of God's Word – continually. Share your burdens with your pastor (from your church). Keep finding encouragement from caring people here at Marriage Heat. God's people can help make our individual burden feel lighter.
Your story – I'm certain – has touched many. It touched me. I could not write you fast enough.
I'll end with this: Just before Jesus died on the cross – He said His mission to save sinners was accomplished – then He breathed His last breath. We can feel the "sinful monster" in us – but Jesus is greater and more powerful than our sin. To believe in Him is to put our trust in Him. May you even feel the relief that comes with knowing His forgiveness. We can't work for this or earn it – we must trust in the Christ who can rescue us.
I'm praying this for you dear lady.
In Jesus, the good promises of God are ours!
Thank you for writing so openly and honestly.
LH
First of all, I salute your courage and honesty.
I think many of us feel we can only be open with other believers or even our partner if we have one to a certain point. Certain things don't make sense, or fit into a box, or make people very uncomfortable or assume we'll act on them. So we keep it to ourselves and don't bring them to the light because others can't handle them. I'm proud of you for having the bravery.
I am not a therapist, but I do have a theory about the "animal" aspect of this.
Many times I believe Christians don't nuance between dark thoughts and the person having them. In other words, if you think something, you must either want to do the thing or justify the thing. And that that comes from our inner sin nature.
In normal people, who actually wrestle with morality and avoid doing the things in practice, many times it's not the "thing" that they want, it's an underlying unmet need or emotional void.
In your case, you experienced some serious trauma and abuse. Sex as you said wasn't pleasurable. And you were very curious and studied about it over time, trying to find pleasure and meaning in it.
Animals don't struggle with the complex moral responsibilities of being human. They don't struggle with dating, porn, social norms. To animals, mating is pretty simple. They don't have the conscience question.
In a world where there's so much complexity, and inhibition, and awkwardness and trauma, I think a lot of people fantasize about their primal side, their animal side. A world where sex is procreation and pleasure and not a social dance or cerebral thing. We all want to be free, to unleash our inner animal. We named one of the most popular positions of all human history "doggy" style for goodness sake. We all want to be free yet safe when it comes to sex and the ability to be sexual. To be wild in the wild, so to speak.
That could very well be part of where it stems from. No pain, no trauma, no rules. Just instinct and release. So while this material isn't healthy, it may not come from as dark a place inside of you as guilt makes you feel. That's just my theory. And I know our Creator understands far better than I do. But maybe it's a starting point.
Let me begin by saying that we read this together and our response to you is how profoundly brokenhearted we are for you. Every time we hear a story involving children and abuse, and there are many, it not only causes us heartbreak but also feeling of helplessness, being that this is so deeply ingrained in a person that it feels that there's nothing that can be done but to both love and to pray.
Any Christian who would seek to heap any kind of judgment of you does not realize that we have no right to judge.
All of us are guilty sinners and all of us come from different family and environmental backgrounds. Our responsibility is to love and correct. In other words love a person into the fold. That doesn't mean accept sin it means walk alongside and guide out of it.
Let me first deal with what you said about your own self. You made the comment that you are short scarred and ugly. If that was true and you are indeed so unattractive how is it that your husband came to love you to begin with? Why is it that people would have desired you in any way?
You are looking at yourself through a negative lens just the way I once did, Just the way many of us do.
Usually our worst enemy comes from within. It's us who developed negativity towards ourself and often because we hate things that happened when we were younger.
I once heard someone say that your past is not a sentence for your future. Being believers, we have the benefit of knowing that despite the fact all of us were enemies to the cross he still gave his son for us. Why? because that is the type of love that looks past faults that understands shortcomings and wrongdoings. The only expectation put on us is that we accept that Grace and that we attempt to change.
From what I read you have tried to change and still try to change. Those memories will always be there, the question is how is our reaction to it?
Will we allow it to give us excuse to continue and those things that are making us hate ourselves or will we use it as a lesson to go against it. know also our adversary. knows these things about us and will feed these negative thoughts to us. Trying to instill in us that we are worthless, hopeless and worth nothing more than a piece of trash.
Meanwhile if we look at things through God's way he sees his beautiful creation, he sees the end from the beginning, and he knows who you really are he sees your struggles he sees your pain.
We just finished watching an episode an YouTube of a series called blurry creatures. They look at all sorts of things in the world that we don't really have a full grasp of like aliens and Bigfoot and life after death stories.
This particular one was about people who have experienced life after death. the person being interviewed with somebody by the name of john Burke who for decades now has been collecting these stories from different individuals all around the world and the ones who have experienced God have experienced an incredible forgiving and understanding love.
What happened to you with other children unfortunately comes from other children who were damaged themselves possibly from an adult.
If not from their deliberate attacks on their innocence then from their neglect as adults towards those who are innocent, by not providing correct guidance and direction.
You have made yourself extremely vulnerable here in confessing everything you're dealing with in your mind and desires.
In large part that comes from a poor foundation in your childhood.
The things that you have had to suffer at the hands of others.
And quite often when we begin down a path and it pulls at us we continue farther down that path opening up to different experiences. Hence the curiosity about bestiality.
There is no doubt about the fact that it's wrong. But the thing is all of us, ALL OF US.
Will have thoughts and have desires that we know are not in line with what we know to be right. It's when we act on those thoughts and desires. When we actually follow through and commit the wrong that is the problem.
And Truth about our weakness is a way to deal with that.
On this website, you are going to find stories of adults who have found the freedom to explore their sexuality within a context of faith.
That will include indulging fantasies which some would condemn from the very outset.
Now I would never in a million years say to explore beastiality. And I wouldn't even say that you should explore the thoughts or desires that come with this.
But what I am saying is that through truth and Love redirecting your thoughts and desires to the things that are within the context of your faith. The beauty of monogamous sex is that if you're doing it in the open with your partner and you are in agreement and you can discuss these things openly. There are many things sexually that we can indulge in together as long as it's only with each other.
One of the things that has always bothered both of us is that Christians always try to answer with scripture. There's nothing wrong with that but the problem is it's not a very compassionate or human interaction. We were created and put upon this Earth in this form which is subject to temptation and to experience all the things that this world and humankind expose us to through interaction. Both the good and the bad.
You know which is the good and the right. You know what not to do and what to do.
If you didn't you would have never tried to fight against these things which plague you. Those things that happened to you in the past they developed certain neural pathways in your mind. Those little electronic roads that your thoughts travel through in your mind. Science also shows us that those neural pathways can be redirected but it takes dedication to do so and it takes constructive thoughts and ways to do so. Now many of the faith will tell you that all you need is scripture. But again, he put you in human form which means it's never that easy. There is a physical aspect to who we are and what we deal with.
We have brains, we have hormones we have emotions so on and so on. And while we are here yes we use the word of God as our basis but we can also attack these things in a physical way that being in the environment which we are currently living. Here on this Earth human to human.
Here on this site you are among friends. We read, we feel and sometimes we feel powerless. All we can do is sympathize with you and if possible embrace you and comfort you for what you're going through.
Now, I could go on forever breaking things down but this is a comment and space is limited.
In the end know this. You have been granted the chance at a new beginning in Christ. You have been the beneficiary of Grace. You are offered the opportunity at a new beginning and a different end.
I'm not saying you won't sin anymore or that you won't have bad thoughts. It's how you deal with those things. When Christ died for you he died for your past present and future sins.
As he did for all of us. First off deal with yourself in your own thoughts speak positively about yourself and don't focus on the negative. That is exactly what the enemy wants.
That you give up hope and give in to darkness.
Embrace the light and love that you've been offered and the light and love that is in your life and has come your way. Your mother loved you unconditionally, your husband has loved you and shown you patience and forgiveness and understanding. Grasp a hold of these and begin right at this moment, walking down the road of your new beginning and following it to your new future.
🔥❤️L. & M. ❤️🔥
I thought more about this and realized I didn't address the wrong that had been done TO you. Any sexual activity with a child, such as was committed against you, is evil and demonic. I personally think child rapists and pedophiles should receive the death penalty. Jesus has very strong words for those who harm children ("it is better to be thrown in the sea with a millstone around your neck"). So, that pain and trauma must be addressed. I encourage you to get therapy and counseling for the abuse you received. It is possible to heal, though it probably doesn't feel like you can. God's power is incomparable. I will be asking Him to do a miracle for you.
I guess we're baring our souls today. I've been addicted to porn since I was probably 12, I didn't see real porn till I was like 20.
Since I'd chosen to wait till marriage to have sex—which at 30 I have 0 regrets doing—I had a lot of unmet desires and sought porn as a cope. Only now am I starting to understand I had some sort of sexual abuse as a kid, either done to me or done in front of me. At 8 yrs old, I asked my sis to kiss me or wear something, copying what I saw on tv, all I knew was I liked the feeling. And I've never been able to forgive myself, even if she did. I've only ever told 2 ppl about it.
I knew more than a child should know about sex. I don't understand how something could affect me as an adult that happened so long ago.
But as far as porn goes, I got really into the incest genre. I realized I was into because what I really wanted was the depth of trust and love a family has and didn't believe I'd ever find it in a real relationship. I absolutely do not want to get with my actual relatives. My porn addiction did lead me to watching ppl with animals too, as Dr pastor said, it leads you to want more extreme things. The brain sees something familiar that naturally excites you and mixes it with something grotesque, and it confuses your brain to mix disgust and pleasure. I say all this so you know you not alone in all this, I've felt like I wanted my addictions more than God; I gave everything to him and asked him to change my heart, to free me from this. What I struggle with the most is knowing in my heart I wanted these things more than him. The guilt and shame pushes you farther from him, but that's just what the devil does, tempts and condemns; the Holy Spirit will draw you closer to God, not push you away. I need prayer the same as you. And if I hadn't read this, I never would have talked about it. Just know your not the only one who's felt they've gone father than God's grace.
I hope those of us being open about these difficult to admit topics is of help to you. When I found out I wasn’t the only girl doing what most consider wrong or bad or even perverted. While it’s not the best avenue to find satisfaction sexually, at least no one is likely to know. And you know his only interest is pleasing. Once I forgive myself for enjoying it, I found a path to a healthier way to satisfy my need for physical intimacy.
The people here at MH are willing to help without judging. Forgive the past. Make sure you don’t think you were at fault. It’s easy to be influenced by friends to try things. Especially if you are too young to know about the world.
As has been said, you are not at fault for the sexual abuse you have suffered. You are now not a victim… you are a survivor. So much excellent counsel has been given but I would just recommend that you give therapy another go.
My wife & I both are survivors as well. Extensive individual therapy before & after our marriage has made a huge difference. Also, 20 years into our marriage we went to marriage/sex therapy with a married pair of sex therapists. All the counseling/therapy has helped us both. Of course our faith in God has helped as well.
We found some therapists did not meet our needs so we looked for a different therapist. We are very grateful to the therapists that helped us heal.
Hello CanadianLady91,
It pains me to read of how you were so mistreated in your youth. You’re made in the image of God and nothing you’ve done or has been done to you will ever change your value. Because value is determined by what someone is willing to pay, and God paid for you with the life of his Son in exchange for you. That’s the value God gave for you.
As I read your story, I saw that online therapy didn’t work for you when you’ve tried. I’m sorry they didn’t believe you. I for one would like to commend you for seeking help. You have done a very difficult and courageous thing by admitting you have a problem. Please, for the sake of your children and your marriage, please please please keep seeking help.
You’re not alone. I’ve had my own sinful desires with porn. Most people in the modern world seem to as well. When I first told my therapist about my porn usage, I said the same things you did: I’m a monster. How did I become this evil creature? I should be punished.
I’m not going to sugar coat the darkness that you’ve confronted within yourself. Sin is horrific and should be abhorrent to us, sins both big and small.
But it is also true that though our sin is red as crimson, black as tar, sinful beyond measure, yet the grace of Christ is so much more! He washed us white as snow! Further, repentance is not fixing your life so you don’t sin a single time after you say you’re sorry. Repentance is to change your mind. Where once you thought the sin was okay, now you declare it evil and bring your mind into agreement with God. It doesn’t mean you never fail again; it means you’re committed to chasing holiness as best you can, and coming back to God every time you stray again. By his power (and a lot of struggle on our part) he transforms us so we sin less over time.
It also often feels like I’m more sinful, even worse now than I was years ago, even though the amount I sin may be less and the nature of sin less extreme. The closer you get to God, the worse you may feel because you now are pained by those things which you didn’t worry about before.
Reminder that the feelings aren’t the most important thing. I have to tell myself that constantly. I have to daily tell myself to not beat up on myself because that is my tendency. Self inflicted pain just stokes the desire for illicit pleasure to sooth the self inflicted pain; which leads to more self flagellation. The cycle of shame really is a nightmare loop, as I’m sure you know even better than I.
I know that once my turn ons got changed by porn, it has been monumentally difficult to reprogram the mind to put away that which seems superior to God’s design in my distorted mind. It is by grace alone that I have put away any amount of sin at all, and I still struggle with sexual temptation.
One thing that helps me is what a Christian ministry teacher said on a podcast: Jesus is always better than our sin. Desire will tell us that we “need” our fix, that I just can’t live without it, that if I don’t get it, I’m missing out on the best thing to get me off. But that is a lie. The porn “fix” never lasts. It isn’t better than real connection with my wife. It promises the best orgasms, but robs me of myself.
My apologies this is so long. I’ll be praying for you to have a swift and amazing recovery, where you might see meaningful change in your mind that gives you hope to keep climbing the difficult road of sanctification. You are loved and desired by the King of kings to be part of his bride for all eternity.
First, there's no way we're going to come at you with pitchforks. We're going to embrace you with open arms, even with all the darkness you carry. This is a Christian community, and Christlike grace will be the center of our response. And if anyone seeks to unfairly ridicule you for the things you've suffered and the resulting aftermath, the moderators will not give them the chance to say such hurtful and unhelpful things.
Now, yes, the things you're doing are wrong, but you know that. What you may not know or acknowledge is that it's not entirely your fault. It's actually very common for survivors of sexual abuse to suffer with sexual dysfunction of various kinds. Sometimes they completely lose all sex drive and respond to sex defensively. It's not uncommon for them to feel a trauma/anxious/panic response to sexual advances, even when made by a perfectly safe, trustworthy and loving spouse. Other survivors go the opposite way and become hypersexual and develop extreme and twisted desires, fetishes, kinks, etc., which sounds like your story.
But this isn't a matter of who you are. It's not a matter of you being a monster. It's not because you're a perverted person that you desire these twisted things. No. You've been shaped against your will by the awful things that people have done to you. Now, you DO have a responsibility to fight temptations toward evil, but it's not your fault that those temptations are attacking you.
Next, remember Paul's example in 1 Timothy 1:15-16: he was the worst of sinners. He was literally leading a genocide against God's people, persecuting Christ himself by persecuting the members of his body. And in verse 16 he writes that even HE was not too far gone to be forgiven and saved by God's mercy! There is hope for you, not only for forgiveness, but for healing. Don't give up. Hold fast to Christ.
CanadianLady
I am know one, & Jesus is everything. If I could offer any help, don't take my word for it, check what I say, find out where any human is wrong & Jesus is right. In my struggles, with a past, with habitual sin, I estimate Satan can only lie & accuse. He cannot force us to sin, fret, panic, or doubt. Just as God won't force us to love Him, satan cannot force us to fear. Satan plays on our sensitivities, fears, & failures. Even the strongest of faith fail. And Satan uses it against us. If he can get us to believe his lie & accusation he gets a foothold. Then, if he can he will get us to walk away from Jesus, either by lifestyle, or by direct decision, mission accomplished. God says we serve the law of God with our mind, Rom 7:25. And, Rom 10:9 says our salvation rests on belief. Get the connection? Satan lies & accuses, but belief in Jesus saves. You, & I, & every believer are in a fight to believe Jesus instead of the devil. Our battle is not against flesh & blood. It is a battle to believe. It is a spiritual battle, of the mind. Do we believe evil, or do we believe God? Both have words, we feed one or the other with belief.
How do we know we who believe? What does the action of faith show? A tree is known by its fruit. Are you stuck, frozen, by fear of sin, or past, or track record? Are you running to habitual sin? That shows we believe satan's lies & accusing. When we believe Jesus faith in Him proves our belief. And, that isn't always what we think it is. Often, we discount our faith in God because it's not what we want/think it should be. Many times faith is small things. Maybe, today, it's just not giving up, or just holding on to Jesus. Maybe, it's just belief. Bigger faith comes as we are equipped. Babes, in Christ cannot do what the senior in Christ can. Just make it a point to listen to Jesus, follow, & do what you can. He takes care of the rest. Actually, He is taking care of it all. Believe it.
There is another law, sin, we serve with our body. I personally have never experienced an instantaneous eradication of a desire, sin, or an evil past by God, as we might pray, or want Him to do. I have prayed, prayed, & prayed (still praying) that God take my past, desires, memories, & sins away only to have them stick around. Our body is connected to sin. We serve it with this dead dying sin infected body. The reason why things are so hard to shake is because we are still in the sin body. Plus, if God just takes all evil away we never get stronger at living righteousness, in a sinful world. If we ask God to take all evil away & that's all He does, all we get good at is asking God to take things away. When God wants us strong to believe we can do all things through Him, as He strengthens us. God wants us to be salt & light. Being able to walk with Him, in this sinful fallen world. When we wrestle with God's Word, & our sin, we get stronger in our spirit, emotions, & mind. Like athletes get stronger by playing & exercising with resistance against them.
If we take God at His Word we over come. How do we overcome this sin cycle carousel. The only way we can truly overcome doubt, lies, & false accusation.
Belief. 1 John 5:4&5.
There are a lot of us like you. Not all stories are the same details, but the same sin cycle. The same guilt, & shame. But, God applies His same solution to it all. I struggle less & less daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly with the lies, & accusations of my past sins, & things people committed against me, as well. But, it didn't happen until I read the scriptures, for myself. As a relationship with Jesus. No one really needs a middle man between us & God. That is who Jesus is. Yes, the church is needed, we are a body. But, Jesus is Head. He comes first. Put the doubts that satan wants us to believe down & defeat them & leave them defeated. Don't pick them back up, by fearing them. The 1st doubt I dealt with was whether I was saved, since I caved to sin, again. Most christians sin again & doubt their salvation. They try harder next time & fail again, & doubt even more. Many christians give up on God thinking He doesn't work, because I fell, yet again. The solution is what you believe. Believe God's Word that says He has removed are transgressions from us, as far as the east is from the west, Psalms 103:12. There is the fight. We can believe. All of us can. CanadianLady, you can win. We all can. You do win. Every prayer. Every thought of God is a win. Even when we think we lose, with Jesus we win. Those little mustard seed faith wins will build you into a mature disciple. Keep at it. Don't give up. You can do it. You are doing it.
Check with God on your salvation. Not a preacher, parent, or beloved church. None of them went to the cross for you, 1 Cor 1:13. Jesus gives His gospel to you. In the book of Acts people that heard the gospel message got baptized into the name of Jesus. The church today has many different beliefs on baptism. They contradict each other, & the Biblical account. But, Jesus has one teaching on it. Have it done. Get immersed as the Bible stories show, & the Bible leaders teach. It is a water grave death, burial, & resurrection in Christ. Paul teaches that baptism is not just circumcision of the foreskin, but the circumcision of the whole sinful flesh from us completely, Col 2:8-15 (special attention to 11&12).
In making your salvation the foundation. In place, unshakeable. On which you build you house on that nothing can destroy seek the scripture. Seek God, Jesus, The HS, & Christ's appointed leaders that authored the Bible. In my estimation, as a help, to get you started; 1st salvation is God's grace to give it when we don't deserve it. Then we turn to receive that gift by believing, walking by faith, repenting of sin, getting immersed as your decision, declaring Jesus as your Savior, & enduring forever. These steps are your one initial step, entering the Family of God. But, then become our daily walk, but water immersion has only to be done to you once. These 7 things the Bible says saves us. If you have not done these, do them. It is possible you have, & that is great. The point is to get it in place as your foundation. Walk on it. Use it to fight against the doubt. Belief is a real super power. Get saved, by what God says. People get it wrong & we lead others down with us, when we do. Get this under your belt & live on the truth that you are saved & nothing, as long as you want God He always wants you, can take you out of His hand. Nothing. Not even the most clever of lies.
If you are a monster we all are. For all have sinned. There is no one good, but God. Salvation means forgiveness. The cross means unbreakable covenant promise forgiveness. Jesus won't betray you. He won't go back on His Word. You have not committed the unforgivable sin. The only unforgivable sin is not turning to God for forgiveness, through Jesus. There is no agenda to find fault with you, & end your forgiveness. There is nothing He does not forgive. There is no time limit, there is no counting that says you have sinned too much. There is nothing that stops Jesus blood from covering you in love & forgiveness.
Your hardest critic is you. But, satan's lies fuel that fire. We have the knowledge of good & evil. We are not sinless Jesus. His cross covers all our sin. We are forgiven. But, we have to believe it. Belief moves us to steps, & doing. That is faith in who you believe. We get depressed because we believe satan's lies. We walk in strength when we believe Jesus at His Word.
When we are weak He is strong. We have to accept our failures, but as forgiven. We don't confess our sin because God is mad at us & we are not forgiven. We confess our sin, after we are saved, because we are forgiven. God is clear that His saved children need confession & forgiveness, as His church. These bodies still get tempted, still desire, & still lust. This where we train with our coach Jesus. We work at believing the way, truth, & life Jesus teaches us He is. And, while we do that, if we sin, we confess & He forgives. Jesus has your back. There are no cracks we slip through. No loopholes that satan can use. Only believe.
Our work is to disciple. Student, with Jesus, our teacher. We mature, we grow up the more we disciple. Jesus is a slow step by step walk of listening to the still small voice. We get better at obedience the more we fall in love with Him. Through Him we can obey all things, just don't give up if you sin, again. Believe our righteous King, instead of your sin. But, we have to believe in the Word. Read your Bible. Sit at Jesus' feet listening. Pray for help to understand. Ponder/think/meditate on God's teaching. It will develop, grow, & mature you. You will be better as a follower of Jesus the more time & discipline you put in. Yet, salvation is not based on our work. No matter how weak or strong in Him we are, we are sanctified.
Your flesh, your sin, your past will want to keep you down. It's a ploy, a trick, to weaken you, to stop you, to kill you from Jesus. It is only as powerful over you as your belief. Your doubt will stop your growth & healing if you let it. Apply truth. Talk back at the lie & put it under your authority. The lies can be stopped. Truth wins. Temptation is not a sin. Desire is in your body. Embrace your evil, stop the cycle of fearing it. Fear God instead. What we fear we believe. Self control can happen. Stop believing God hates you. The cross proves He loves you. Stop the cycle of sin by knowing you are a sinner, but saved from its will. The goal is to stop sinning, but only Jesus can destroy it. He nailed it to the cross. But, our body will still be tempted. Stop throwing the pity party over sin & celebrate Jesus' victory over you.
Find out what God calls a sin & hold on to that. We will think our sin is the worst. Yet, we may not have even sinned. Jesus was tempted & sinless. So, temptation is not a sin. Lust is where sin starts. This means mere knowledge, or thought, of a sin is not a sin. Even seeing a sin is not a sin. Knowledge & witnessing sin only becomes a sin when it becomes our drive to sin. Lust drives us to sin. Lust is a sin. Yet, our emotions get in the way of properly defining sin & righteousness. Unfortunately, this is a human trait. We all do it. Live by the Spirit of God, not your own understanding, based of what you feel. We can be our own worst enemy. If something is not a sin, but causes you to sin, leave it behind. We can label things wrong. We can condemn ourselves when we shouldn't. And, the other way around. So, God's Word is imperative. It is ok to forgive yourself, know God forgives you. It is ok to lighten the load. Self condemnation can be addicting. It is ok to enjoy God's blessings. Make sure your sin is really a sin, & not what someone else wants you to believe. Jesus brings freedom.
We cannot remove ourselves from this fallen creation. We can only work out our salvation with fear & trembling, with God. That is the key. Walking with Jesus & never stop. Belief is your power. Jesus' gospel will get you through this place, your flesh, & into Heaven. Believe it. Trust His Word.
For what it is worth, I forgive you. You are not a monster. Don't believe that. You're a child of the King. He forgives you. Believe that.
Sorry, about the length. Thanks to any that read it. And, to MH for posting it.
Woe unto those who would lead a child astray. Having worked with both children and adults who have experienced childhood trauma, I have heard of similar issues. They always don't manifest themselves as the same fetish but the fetish is there.
Trauma, especially when left untreated as a child, will present lifelong struggles for a person. Many think if they could just become something else the feelings would just go away. Much of what we see with gender dysphoria is a way of dealing with past trauma.
The feelings of worthlessness seems to be common amongst all no matter the deviant behavior. I think the best thing to do at this point is not to hate yourself, but the sinful thoughts. You will only further destroy yourself and you have people who love you who would would be deeply hurt by it.
You are still a child or God. You have not crossed a line for which there is no return. This will always be a struggle but your must pray for strength to keep it at bay.
I have no idea what the laws are in Canada, but possessing bestiality porn is now a felony in my state. Be mindful of your health and the law and mostly seek the beauty in this world. The devil wants to guide you down this dark path. He is who sent that advertisement your way. You were strong enough at your weakest to say no. You are strong. You are loved. You are worth it.
There is no point of no return. And we need to remember many things some label as deviant are things many young people explore out of curiosity or something their same age discovered and shared which I recall when I was that age. It can seem innocent even loving. Experimenting with a friend is not always a bad thing or needs recovering from. We seem bent on labeling anything we don’t do as deviant. Many if not most young people with hormones flowing will try things with who or what is around them. We might label some as taboo. Sometimes it’s best to find out what is acceptable for you.
I am far more concerned with things that were forced on you, especially by people significantly older. Fortunately I hated alcohol or some things I tried or was exposed to, often by very conservative Christians might have sent me further down the wrong path. Often being preached to does more harm than good because it is natural to rebel. Especially if overly restrictive rules result in discovery that things you shouldn’t do are very enjoyable so if you are like me, try the next step.
There is no reason you can not find a path that is right for you. Might include things you tried or none of them. Just be careful not to inflict them on others, that is the true sin. Forcing someone you have undue influence on to do things. I am surprised that so much sex with animals is available from a simple google search. And taboo sex is a leading topic on erotica sites.
There is very little you can not recover from. Hopefully you can help your children avoid bad decisions. Exploring topiics even taboo ones won’t make you a monster. You can find out it’s not for you and move on to safer inspirations to give the sexual pleasure we all strive for. It’s more about your future decisions than your past. I know the temptation of past choices that were exciting, come back tempt you again. How you deal with them without being too hard on yourself will steer your path. Remember even doggie style ias dark as it is, has been a part of many lives who managed to move on to healthier choices that can be as much of a turn on. There would not be so much of it and taboo available online if you were the only one that strayed into the darker turn ons. Bad decisions or exploring and enjoying these darker ideas do not make you a monster. Or make people here hate you. We only want to help you deal with future decisions.
Please update us on how it is going. Here or feel free to Gmail me. Gladly answer any questions.
Greetings, and I'm sorry I came late to the party! But let me first join the chorus in saying that you are not dirty, disgusting, or a monster. I have my own story of overcoming shame and porn problems which I recounted here: https://marriageheat.com/2025/04/15/god-doesnt-blush-my-story-of-overcoming-shame/
I also am not one to condemn sexual fantasies (even paranormal romances), as long as they stay fantasies, though there is a slippery slope and the danger of getting into the rut instead of staying safely in the middle of the path. When you are fixated on any particular fantasy (and especially anything condemned by Scripture) to the point of watching porn about it, then I think you've well-identified the problem. However, reacting against this behavior won't necessarily rebound you to the correct path as much as shoot you off in another direction, possibly to the rut on the OTHER side of road–going from one extreme to the other, which I think you've already identified as a problem.
But to put it in the way my mom always described it, it is far better focus on being like Jesus than to focus on trying not to sin, focusing on not being like the sexually immoral or just other people whose problems you don't want. Where you focus your attention matters!
I can't fix what happened to you in the past but I fully believe that Jesus can redeem it. I think you could take your story here and share it in therapy–you have a lot to work through and process. Coming here was a great first step.
What happened to you is bound to influence your current attitudes & behavior toward yourself, your husband, and God.
The fact that you know that hysterectomy and antidepressants affect your libido is great, because those problems can be addressed with modern medicine, HRT, things of that sort. Clifford & Joyce Penner have some wonderful books that might help you (thinking specifically of RESTORING THE PLEASURE). I would encourage you to go deeper in this to be able to turn it over to God. Something like the Healing Journey program (hishealinglight.org) would be a perfect place to continue processing this, but I would also recommend going through Inner Healing & Deliverance, as well as seeing a counselor or sex therapist.