God Doesn’t Blush – My Story of Overcoming Shame
When I was much younger (around late ’90s) I found articles online defending masturbation. I wish I could remember where that was, but the articles are probably long gone. The main points that I ended up reading were:
1) Just what sin Onan actually committed,
2) The treatment of ejaculation in uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:16-18) related also to women’s menstrual uncleanliness (v.19-24), and
3) The possibility that the phrase “covering his feet” in the KJV (Judges 3:24, 1 Samuel 24:3) was possibly a euphemism not for going to the restroom but something far more enjoyable. It’s funny though that modern translations render that as “relieving himself,” because that could go either way!
The last thing that really helped me as a teenager was reading Preparing for Adolescence by James Dobson. While I’ve read some unflattering opinions of him these days by commentators on purity culture, honestly he did alright by us in this regard. I even bought this book again so that I could quote from it directly. While not wishing to contradict parents or pastors, he “…can’t speak directly for God on this subject, since His Holy Word, the Bible, is silent on this point… It is my opinion that masturbation is not much of an issue with God. It’s a normal part of adolescence, which involves no one else…”
If someone as prominent as Dobson could take a stance like that, then it really wasn’t a big issue I should be agonizing about! He continues later on, writing that “…if you do [masturbate], it is my opinion that you should not struggle with guilt over it.”
Logical arguments above all helped soothe my conscience as a young man. They were also the first to tell me that, while porn might be a problem because of Matthew 5:28, it’s entirely proper to masturbate thinking of a hypothetical potential spouse that God will give to you in the future. (And thanks to this site, I’ve learned quite a bit about “Lust” since those days which has given me a new perspective there as well.)
Of course, if my mom had known what Dobson wrote in Preparing for Adolescence, then she probably would never have given me that book, and might have written him off altogether. She gave me other books that I definitely don’t recommend reading, like Every Young Man’s Battle and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Over time I think I’ve started to realize just how much I internalized from those books, to the point that I have never dated myself, or even kissed a girl. When you’re pushed so far away from premarital sex that you’re in the other extreme, it says something: this culture has problems.
My mother told me about masturbation years before I started doing it. She said that boys would rub “it” to “make it big,” and that it was wrong. If the comments from my classmates were any indication, they looked down on it as well, but perhaps that was because by the time I was 12 or 13, it was cooler to try to get a girl to do things to you instead. Either way the “wanker” hand gesture was well known to me.
By the time I was in my teens, I think I had quite a lot of backlog to work through—not only sexual frustrations, but just baggage upon baggage from my mom’s near-obsessive condemnation and discounting of anything sexual. It’s not that she said that all sex was bad (like in marriage), but it was plain from her attitude that all sex was bad for me.
I’ve discussed all this before but thought that it was worth fleshing out into its own post.
My first time
While masturbating for the first time was an incredible experience I will never forget, I do forget just how old I was. I was already in the shower, just enjoying the water beating down on me, sitting and thinking about a lot of things, including my penis. I made a conscious decision to start experimenting then and there, knowing that once I started there was probably no going back.
I didn’t really know what I was doing, or how to start. My penis was soft. Sitting cross-legged in the bathtub, enjoying that wonderful warm water cascading all over me, I took my balled-up fist and just started tapping my soft penis with it, wondering what would happen, then becoming increasingly forceful. It did get hard, and quickly, but didn’t necessarily feel the absolute best. I had no idea of lubricant, but at some point I figured out that my penis wasn’t going to just slide into my fist with ease, so I wrapped my hand around my penis and started over, at the same rapid pace. Gripping the skin of my shaft tightly, I rubbed up and down for a quick second, just to see what it was like. I’m hard just thinking about it: for a first-timer the pleasure was intense, and I sat there letting it wash over me. I was unsure whether to continue, whether there would be implications for me further down the road, and what to do about it.
But then I rubbed my penis again, for just a few more seconds. It felt just as wonderful as the first time.
More time spent just exulting in the pleasure I’d just experienced. More time spent wondering if what I was doing was right. And then I rubbed my penis again, for a bit longer. And then again. And again. Each time the pleasure was even more intense. I had no idea what an orgasm was, no idea of building up to something, so I kept starting and stopping. And rubbing…and rubbing… It was hard to keep quiet, I wanted to cry out, but I didn’t. And I did start to feel something building inside of me, though I didn’t know what it was, and I felt like I had to pee, so I stopped again. I was afraid of making a mess, but then it struck me that I was already in the shower, surely I couldn’t make a mess too hard to clean up there! So I started rubbing my penis again and this time I didn’t stop. I could feel something building inside of me and felt the increasing need to pee. I didn’t know when I was supposed to be finished, only that I didn’t ever want it to end.
But then the ending did come, with such a vivid explosion of pleasure that I almost couldn’t believe it. But I didn’t pee, in fact I didn’t ejaculate either, that took months. It was pure: I wasn’t fantasizing about any particular woman, in fact I was incredibly present in that moment, luxuriating in the pleasure I was giving to myself.
Aftermath
Afterwards I felt everyone must know just by looking at me what I’d done, but I soon got over that feeling, enough to touch myself in some rather brave situations (for me). This time period was the birth of the popularity of the internet. I was not immune to that, and at some point I did start to look up pictures. My mother’s definition of pornography would be anything that was even remotely titillating, and doubtless had arguments with my dad, who was of the opinion that I was just curious—because they did find out, and I had to learn how to be sneakier.
I was very selective in what I was looking for: basically couples locked in an erotic and loving embrace. I developed a taste for the auditory moans of a woman in the throes of passion. In fact, when I found my first porn videos, I was actually looking for just audios of women orgasming, but I found videos of women masturbating instead, which was of course all that much more arousing. Thankfully I didn’t go much beyond that, but at least what I can say is that the female orgasm is to me so incredibly appealing and arousing. It’s what I intend to dedicate my life to encouraging in my future wife if/once I’m married.
As nearly every man discovers, the blending of pornography with masturbation proved to be a difficult stronghold to break. I can’t say that I’m completely there yet, but I have allowed God to work in me and acknowledge His power to break all addictions.
Culture problems
I think mixing porn and masturbation is dangerous, especially considering the content that’s out there these days, the ease of access, what we know about how performers are treated, and what kind of companies host it as well. I don’t think young people (or anyone) should be training their bodies to find certain things arousing, or reward themselves for looking at all manner of filth. That said, mainstream Christian culture’s attitudes toward masturbation (and sex in general) almost push adolescents, young adults, and oldsters alike into shame and condemnation by rejecting any sort of healthy outlet. And far too many people automatically equate masturbation with porn use—something I was able abandon many years ago.
I think God has been working through this issue with me for a while without my realizing it, and I’m so happy that He led me to this site. Marriage Heat and the community here (and discussion surrounding it, as well as the resources they recommend) have given me a fine example of what it means to enjoy unbridled sexuality while still maintaining a Godly perspective. It’s something I have been sorely lacking most of my life! This culture sadly treats anything sexual as automatically negative and unacceptable, and as a result, I’ve trained myself to keep it hidden, even from God, out of a sense of shame.
Of course, God is all-knowing and all-seeing, but when we feel shame over something, we’re trying to hide from Jesus and keep Him out of an area of our lives, with about as much success as Adam in the Garden. And I learned that I don’t need to be sinning to be ashamed of something or think that it isn’t God’s “business,” for lack of a better word. But God doesn’t speak to us with the voice of fear, shame, or condemnation. When I was finally to willingly expose myself completely to His gaze and judgement, I found out that we serve a God who is not only all-knowing but all-compassionate, and most importantly, God doesn’t blush. He designed us to have needs that beg to be satisfied, whether or not He’s blessed us with a spouse yet.
I hope that in my future marriage, we never lose the sense of connectedness to our own bodies, whether together or separately. I want to foster freedom in my future marriage for either party to self-pleasure, because I know the disparity of desire can be a real thing, and I don’t expect that I or my wife will get sex every time either of us desires it. Considering the number of women who suffer from vaginismus or learning how few can orgasm from penetrative sex, I can think of any number of benefits to young women learning to masturbate. And as a learning tool, masturbation can and should be used by young men not to merely get off ASAP before they get caught, but to teach themselves how to hold off to bring pleasure to their wives someday. It’s my hope that parents learn something from how previous generations were raised and resolve to do better moving forward.
This was beautiful. A thoughtful exposè on a topic that is both difficult and deeply personal. I really appreciate hearing your experience. It has many similarities to mine, in that masturbation was implied to be sinful and sex was something we just don't talk about. What I really appreciate is your stance on promoting masturbation for a better marriage and love life between spouses. Yes, libido discrepancy can be an issue, so it makes a lot of sense that both parties should have an outlet, which each enjoys with the full consent and encouragement of the other. And the fact that you're encouraging young men to use it to practice lasting longer…that is considerate and selfless. I can attest to often taking a long time to reach orgasm myself, so it would mean a lot to marry a man who was able and willing to wait for me and my pleasure. Though I absolutely would not demand that every time! Anyhow, thank you for sharing your story in further depth. I'm praying for a transformation in God's people regarding their mindset on masturbation and sex. It is starting here on MH, for sure.
Sometimes it has to start really small, LLL! But God grows movements out of tiny seeds, and He will work however He chooses. I hope that sites like MH will be more sharable and that we will have it linked from other places over time. And I hope that my post will help heal others as well. I have always admired your approach/attitude toward married sex and enjoying masturbation either together or separately. Your husband will be a lucky man, no matter how long it takes or how long he has to wait! And I suppose I can mean that in multiple ways. 😉
This is a very thoughtful post FM. Apart from the particular details of your own experience, your story is very similar to mine, and I would even say to many others.
Sex was a topic never discussed while I was growing up. I found masturbation quite by accident, and also became quite sneaky in covering it up. I was only ever caught once. I received a stern warning, but that only served to make me more careful.
I appreciate you promoting masturbation, and God bless you in your journey.
And you too, KM! I pray for you and your marriage, and just your own journey of personal exploration. I think that topics such as these shouldn't be embarrassing or only talked about in hushed tones. Thank you for your validation, because no one needs to be alone in their journey and just knowing that someone experiences the same thing that you do, helps a lot. None of us is alone. Fitting that my devotional for today had verses from Hebrews 2:18, 4:15.
FM, thank you so much for writing this story and for sharing your personal experience.
So often my husband and I have found in talking to others that for some reason or another they put limitations on their sexual enjoyment with one another and on their own including masturbation.
And the number one reason is for Shame.
It is indeed an interesting thing that something that is common to almost all of us. The desire for sex! Is something that can be made shameful.
In all of creation we see the supreme desires to find love, court and consummate that love.
If we didn't have that end well desire that was given to us when we were created, if we didn't have that arousal Factor built into us, if it didn't feel good! We wouldn't procreate and we would have shunned and ignored the command to fill the Earth.
The heartbeat of monogamous marriage is sex. That most intimate of experiences, the two people can share together.
I completely agree with your viewpoint on porn.
From the days of old it was one more thing that wasn made into a money making venture.
Pornography being one of the biggest. With the onset of computers and the cell phones porn is something that's easily found by anybody who has one unfortunately at a very young age these days. While minds are still forming and developing pathways.
The producers of such always finding the way to push the envelope and introducing things that are one step farther than the viewer has ever experienced. Luring them in with the bait.
This in turn leads to more brutish behaviors by humans, including abuse, sex trafficking and child trafficking.
Lawmakers attempts to curb this are usually useless. Leaving loopholes for where these schemers find a way out.
Some of the biggest social platforms have a soft white underbelly that the unassuming do not see. They offer a candy store full of sexual treats. Content providers such as only friends and others creating platforms within these platforms.
once again, something had seemingly unassuming a place where you can learn about things around the world or about others having a back room that contains something that will bring addiction into the lives of individuals..
Sex in and of itself is no more evil than money is in and of itself. Or that eating is.
It's the love of these things that is evil!
In other words chasing after those things above all else including the Creator and making them idols which because of addiction causes us to serve.
Masturbation is a very natural thing. It is our own way of being able to preserve ourselves by safely calming cravings.
Not only for a person who is single. But for a person who is married.
There are times I am consumed with love for my husband and need for him. It may hit me at the strangest of times.
It's in remembering our moments together that I find my fantasies and my fingers go to work.
Thank you so much for writing this I'm sure it will help so many people.
Over our years together we have heard stories of people who have done terrible things to themselves to try to get themselves to stop what they consider sinning.
And this is often a result of wanting to grow closer to and pleasing to out Creator.
This response on our part is parallel to those religions which endorse certain physical sacrifices such as these all the way up to the point of human sacrifice to appease their gods.
When we were created, it's just as we are. A body with all of its desires and needs in casing the spirit and the soul. We weren't born in separate compartments. We were born in a package.
But yet, we tried to separate spirit and body ignoring one in pursuit of the other. We have seen marriages Fall apart where a spouse will practice these things and deny their own spouse who they expect to remain monogamous to them. Only to create a climate for infidelity.
And when it all comes out the shame is upon the one who had been denied, being over 60 years of age. There have been many times on both of our behalfs where one or the other was unable to have sex. Bodily changes, hormonal changes, surgeries, sickness, etc.
In these instances is when masturbation is a supplement.
And we have learned, that just because one is unable to at that point we can also offer alternatives such as masturbating one another or performing oral sex.
When used properly masturbation is very natural and enjoyable.
Please let's all realize this!!!
Lady L.💋
Thanks for your thoughts! I hope you will be able to lead others to this page when appropriate, and I earnestly pray that it will provide relief and solace to the reader.
Absolutely! I agree & have much of your experience myself. I recently realized that as I stepped out into the pro married sex stance, vocally, & other wise, there were no takers. I tried testing the waters of an on purpose pro married sex stance with certain people, in certain conversations, observations, & reactions. This did include masturbation. I didn't get far before I realized that people are scared of marriage. People, especially christians, are afraid of their own marriage. I tried my luck being more christian & more vocal about married sex online & people scattered. I went to a get together where I knew the people 40 years ago were very married & pushing the boundaries of appropriate sex. Very vocal, porn, & rumors of swapping. Yet, now, they all are scared of any of it.
It's sad. This is not the way we fulfill our marriages, nor our sex. I'm glad I stepped cautiously, or I would've been called a sex fiend, perv, or something. And, all I wanted to do was discuss it. Nothing more.
What you describe seems to be the problems that modern Western society inherited from adhering to gnostic dualism and it's frustrating how it has almost subsumed a lot of people's thinking of Christianity. Combating this can be really sad and disheartening occasionally, but I do appreciate that this site's anonymity allows us to be honest with everyone about our own experiences, struggles, and also victories. I've tried sharing this site in a few different places and it has not been received well, but I will continue to do so when I feel it is appropriate; I hope you will as well.
Faith-Manages, Lovely description of your first time masturbating.
Shame in what is good, is from the devil. The devil seeks to put us in bondage.
The porn industry (as distinct from pornography) serves the devil, by exploiting what is good, sex and our sex drive for money and power.
The desire for sex and curiosity about it is good. I times past, we we lived closer together, it was seen and learned naturally as we grew, from farm animals, to our parents who would have been in the room of our one room dwelling. You see in reading about the Middle Ages, people were not embarrassed about sex.
What we should be ashamed of is isolating our young people from what was once commonly around them. Porn has come to fill that gap. Unfortunately without guidance, they don't know that most of it is exploitative rubbish. They are not going to learn what good sex is from rubbish.
Pornography, at its base, is something that sexually arouses – nothing wrong with that, it is natural, part of God's design. Song of Songs/Solomon is an erotic book, I think it valid to argue that one purpose God placed it in the bible is to sexually arouse us – we are supposed to be getting horny, after all, Songs has the Shulammite with her, "hands dripping with myrrh"!
Teaching and discernment is needed to reject what is bad, and enjoy what is good. What is good is where it leads to marital sex, or/and masturbation. Teach what is sinful and not sinful with regards to sex. That is one reason I wrote this last year.
https://marriageheat.com/2024/06/02/masturbation-as-sexual-purity/
LovelyLonelyLady, what was the website you mentioned earlier this year?
I tried to find it, in searching I found a website called Frolicme.
Searching I found some quotes from Frolicme founder Anna Richards (married mother of two.)
"Solo pleasure is fantastic"
"the more we look at masturbation from a health benefit, the better."
"Masturbation is so important because it gives you some 'me time,'"
"If you're struggling to achieve orgasms with a partner, solo pleasure can teach you what it is that you like."
"Solo pleasure supports our self-esteem because we understand our body more and we have a better sense of what we want from sex with a partner,"
"You become so much more confident when you understand the pleasure of sex,"
Naturally I was curious to know if any of the videos on the website include her – I'm too cheap to join, so I could not find an answer, she did mention in an interview that she uses dildos.
I could not find if she is a Christian of not. Sadly, I could see her website included sexual sins, threesomes, fornication. I do think it is not up to us to enquire if a couple having sex are married or not. I like the Anna's quotes above, but well… the sex is real, but fornication… no. Masturbation – yes, fornication – no.
Thanks for commenting SK, I always appreciate your perspective. I think it's a good example that what one person will find acceptable won't always be right for the next–hopefully it will encourage others and myself to run back to God. Your "Masturbation As Sexual Purity" post is the one that I generally link to when mentioning this site or just providing a pro-masturbation argument. I hope that it will be helpful to more people over time. I don't know exactly which site LLL was talking about, but we have discussed a few communities like the Gone Wild Audio reddit.
Faith-Manages, thank you for the compliment.
I did write the purity article to help people, praying that it would be shared. Good to see you doing that.
May all Christians glorify God in their bodies – thanks be to God.
Embracing sexuality is a wonderful thing. So much shame has been unnecessarily heaped on such a beautiful thing. It's not just sad, it's wrong. In a way, sex is supposed to be the proverbial light on a hill. It's the crown jewel of God's creation, meant to be the most powerful physical representation of God's love, most highly fulfilled in the relationship between Christ and the Church. Though that relational intimacy is more spiritual than physical, the physical gift of sex points to a greater spiritual reality.
As such a valuable and glorious gift, it's deeply wrong to either misuse it (as the secular world has) or malign it (as far too many Christians have). I'm so happy for you that you've found a much healthier viewpoint than most people today. Praise God for that! I pray the same for my future wife, and all the many other Christians still deceived into one wrong view or another. There's so much to learn and love about God when we rightly understand sex as one of his most beautiful gifts to his children!
Amen brother, great thoughts. Too many people forget Ecclesiastes 9:9.
Kids today are so lucky that almost no one is saying masturbation is wrong, sinful. Or will make them go blind. Shame can be so destructive and damage healthy attitudes toward sex for a lifetime ruining a marriage. Like drinking to get drunk, some porn is unhealthy. While some is like a fine glass of wine with a fancy dinner. So many stories here encourage some to masturbate technically making them “porn” in the fine wine category like the classy boudoir picture a wife gives her husband of her nude body.
Boudoir photos between married couples is a great idea! Sadly I've even seen posts from Sheila Gregoire condemning them. I think there is still so much in our culture that has grown up with Christian (and Western) culture that doesn't belong there, but are holdovers from ancient times and pagan cultures sadly. Everything we can do to sift through these things, we can get back to God's original design.
Faith Manages, where have you seen Gregoire condemn boudoir photos in general? I've only seen her object specifically to them being used to keep a husband from turning to porn of other women. But I might've missed something.
HH I think that might be the same thing we're talking about, because she is so anti-porn. If the SOLE REASON why a woman is taking boudoir photos is because she thinks it will keep her husband from looking at porn, then that would be misguided. I do appreciate Gregoire's perspective and really loved THE GREAT SEX RESCUE but I also can see that she is sometimes close to spiraling off into radical feminist rhetoric, and the way she worded it made it sound more condemning of men's visual nature in general, an attitude I reject.
The church and community can do much better as a whole with all of these topics. We were lucky when we were engaged and newly wed to have been around good mentors that helped shepherd our marriage into success, but it wasn’t without challenge.
1- masturbation. I believe it is a good thing and important step as you grow to understand your body so when you are married, you know how to best use it. For many guys, masturbation helps fight poor decisions and urges. For girls, it helps them understand their body so much better so when they do wed, the are able to learn how to have great sex faster. Too many women struggle with physically enjoying sex, and I believe a decent portion comes from fear and awkwardness as a kid that prevented their own bodily exploration and carried over into sex.
Also I know MH content isnt always intended to be erotica and help people masturbate, but in the age of porn, I hope MH does. There are lots of singles or those with sexless marriages that I hope come here (and cum here) for relief, hope, and guidance.
I would 100% rather single or struggling individuals masturbate to the stories, sights or sounds of married love than porn, and those of us in good marriages should help their journey and challenges in whatever way we can. We can agree or disagree as to how, but I can’t see how any alternative is worse than kinky unwed porn videos.
2- Mentorship from Elders- very important but missing. When we were going through premarital counseling, we were told sex it’s important but it wasn’t until later when we were newly weds and struggling to consistently connect well that we had an elder couple at church really help us. They were closer to 60, and they gave us as a couple and as individuals great advice. Their #1 was “try to have sex every day”. Though not always feasible, that goal promotes a consistent connection that helps the couple grow but also come back to each other daily. Also, I’m individual talks we were able to ask real questions and get real answers. They took the time to let us freely ask anything and get honest responses. He was able to answer plenty of questions I had, taught me many new ways to please a woman, and conversely like information shared between wives and it helped us grow much faster but also have goals! They were both very attractive for their age and their love and sexual energy for each other overflowed, and my wife and I made an early goal to “be them in 30 years!” and it has been great to keep a longer perspective. They are the hotties we wish to be one day!
3- Mentorship and accountability between peers. We have very close friends and have learned a lot between them. My wife was struggling in the begging consistently orgasming. She had a great friend (a few years older) who took my wife out of her comfort zone and taught her how to finger herself better and later how to use a vibrator. That was a big step!
Also each couple had its own sexual strengths and weaknesses. It’s good to learn, and be confident with what you have. A good example, I have a friend who almost proudly let us know he has a small penis, but he committed to learning to be amazing with his mouth and also they committed to experimenting with how to best use his smaller member. They proudly now exclaim how his wife can’t handle a day without his tongue in her pussy, but also they found his penis is perfect for anal, so they have anal (and DP with a dildo) frequently and love it. Their honesty with each other helped them get over individual hurdles, but also his “journey to be an oral champ” has provided plenty of good technique we’ve all benefitted from!
In my mind, once you’re married, and sex with your spouse, pretty much any time and anywhere is good, beautiful and the goal. I can’t imagine a marriage had ever failed because they had too much sex, but I guarantee they fail often from too little. If we want to promote marriage, good, frequent, lifelong sex is the key!
Great attitude, MM1! MH certainly is doing good work out there and it's been disheartening to see the reaction when I post their articles on Christian forums and the like. There's still so much work left to do! Your example of picking mentors is a great idea, and if/when I'm married–sadly in my experience singles don't get the same kind of sexual guidance, except in being told "just don't do it." But there are books out there, and knowledge is power. Hopefully I can get a running start from my wedding day on!
@FM
I’m sure you will find a spouse one day and he will be blessed because of your attitude.
Before getting engaged, I HIGHLY recommend discussing sex. Being open about expectations once married, frequency etc is a big deal. Having different libidos is tough on a marriage!
Also, this may be not well received or a common option here, but I’d recommend when you are engaged and a few days before the wedding, spend an evening with your fiancé and get naked together. I’m not saying touch each other nor have sex, but get over the potential awkwardness and unfamiliarity of each others nude body just before the wedding, so when it’s go time on the wedding night you can enjoy it to the fullest! You can make it fun, ask the curious questions, etc so when your bodies connect for the first time, it’s a much nicer experience!
I like the idea in some ways, MM1, but I'd personally reframe it a bit.
I personally don't think I'd be comfortable being naked with my fiancée before we're married, from a personal preference standpoint, and also as an issue of wisdom, and maybe morality too. It may or may not be a moral issue, but the other two points stand.
My thought is this: Why not have that casual, naked hangout evening AFTER being married? There's absolutely no reason why anyone has to get comfortable being naked together before the wedding. Could it make the first sexual encounter less awkward and more enjoyable? Sure! But there's absolutely nothing saying that the first sexual encounter has to be on the wedding night, which means there's no reason the naked hangout session has to be BEFORE the wedding.
A better plan, in my opinion, would be to use the timeline you provided, but shift it all a few days further into the future. My suggestion would be to plan for a zero-pressure wedding night, where neither spouse is even expected to get naked if they're not up for it—although the option is certainly available if both agree! After a relaxing evening with absolutely no expectations or pressures, then the next day can be spent opening up, exploring, and getting accustomed to nudity, and the couple can move on to sexual things whenever they both feel like it, whether that's within a few minutes, or not until a day or two later.
Using naked together time as part of a slower, more gradual way to work up to sex is a great idea, but I believe it is both wisest and morally safest to save that step for after marriage, and delay the first true sexual encounter for a little while if necessary. There's nothing at all except fallible human tradition saying that a newlywed couple has to have sex on their wedding night. There's no harm at all—and a lot of potential upside—in waiting a day or two. I know some couples on MH have foregone sex on their wedding night and had a great start to married sex a little later on.
@PatientPassion
You are more patient than me.
My wife wanted to wait almost a year from getting engaged to the wedding so it could be everything she wanted. If she then said she wanted to wait another few days or weeks before we could have sex, I’d have issues and I’d expect a whole lot of men feel the same.
We don’t wait our whole life just to be told we’re waiting even longer.
Heck isn’t one of the reasons you get married that you are so attracted you just want to jump there bones?
Get married, have sex, and then more sex. There is a STRONG correlation between frequency and marriage success. A dead bedroom whether day 1 or day 10,000 is a problem.
I mean, patience IS very valuable to me, hence why it's in my screen name here, haha!
But I do understand what you mean. Since I'm still single at the moment, perhaps I'm speaking a little unrealistically. I expect my feelings on the matter, and the intensity of my desire, will be significantly impacted by the actual presence of a woman I'm madly in love with and about to marry.
I do agree that either unexpected or unreasonable delays at any stage in couple's sexual relationship can be not only frustrating, but also create strain on the relationship. However, I do think that having the patience and grace to weather normal, reasonable stretches between sexual encounters is important. There's a reasonable and loving balance to strike. If a couple can have sex on the wedding night and virtually every day after that, that's great! But realistically, neither spouse will have a high enough drive for (nor will life always accommodate) having sex every single day throughout the marriage. As long as the couple are turned toward each other, focused on each other, and committed to keeping their sexual relationship steady, if not hyper-frequent (let's say twice a week instead of every day), they're in a healthy place in my book. I don't think you're necessarily saying a couple must expect to have sex every day, so I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, I'm just trying to say there's a reasonable balance to be struck.
In the marriage prep reading I've done, it sounds like a lot of couples are pretty tired out after a long wedding day, and may not be able to make their first sexual experience together truly meaningful, connecting and special if they do it on the wedding night, because they don't have the energy to be fully present and focused on each other. For sure, many couples may not have that issue. But for those who do, or for those who think there's any chance they'll be tired, it could be wise to at least leave open the option to delay sex just a tiny bit longer to rest and recover the energy and focus needed to make that first encounter truly wonderful.
Some of this is definitely personal preference. As I've thought about what I want in my future sex life, I've come to the conclusion that, although quantity/frequency is important, quality is far more important to me than quantity. Naturally, that means it's worth it to me to wait 12-24 hours after we're married in order to make that first encounter more special. (If my wife wanted to delay 2-3 days or more after we were married, I too would definitely have concerns, unless there was an understandable reason, like she caught a nasty flu from someone at the wedding.)
And even though I advocate for a slower, lower-pressure approach, I also understand your perspective on couples wanting to jump each other's bones as soon as possible. I actually have a partially-finished draft of a story I hope to submit at some point about a fictional couple who sneaks away from their wedding mid-event to have sex literally as soon as they possibly can after the ceremony. The working title is "Seven Minutes, Thirteen Seconds" if that gives any hints, haha!
Patience, your approach here is very wise, and from my experience, accurate. Yeah, when my wife and I were dating, whenever we were together it got to where we couldn't, and didn't, keep our hands off each other, and often couldn't, and wouldn't, keep all of each other's clothes on. I think that's good and normal. Because we hadn't had sex yet or been fully naked together, there was that tension as well as desire to explore. Once married, things leveled out a bit and it's not physical constantly. And waiting on the wedding night until both are rested and ready is a good idea and often advisable.
@Patient— do we have sex every day, no, but we try to. Aside from that time of the month, we probably have sex 5 times a week and make it a priority. Even if it’s just a quickie, the commitment to connecting physically and taking a devoted moment each day to do so has led to a better era in our marriage. Quantity will lead to quality— not every time is some amazing event, but even the fast ones are important. Im a very high sex drive person so it also helps me stay focused. It’s rare between sex and masturbation I don’t get release every day and I don’t intend to slow down!
The first time may be good, may be okay, may be bad. Ours was quick. I had so much pent up horniness, I barely went a few pumps in before I jizzed all in her. It was funny but we spent the honeymoon trying to make it better and had more “romantic” sex. For your first few time, don’t worry about crazy positions or wild sex. Try 69 to fully explore and find each others bodies, go missionary to be close, and then throw in some doggy style to really cum hard and I would bet you will have an enjoyable first couple experiences to set the stage for years of great sex.
PP & MM1 I appreciate both your perspectives! I do think that I have the same attitude of a patient passion though: we'll have the rest of our lives to have sex, and I certainly don't want to push anything faster than it needs to be. I've often thought that just like a typical non-Christian dating relationship will progress over time to becoming more and more sexually connected, what if my marriage started off that way? I agree that there's a lot of pressure put on the wedding night and honestly I might be too tired to do anything but konk out, if I've had to deal with arrangements and lots of people all day or all week.
In my own research & preparation, I've read a good amount of books about sex both Christian and non. The Penners' GETTING YOUR SEX LIFE OFF TO A GOOD START was an immensely helpful book that I can wholeheartedly recommend. One of the things that comes up, is not rushing your first time, and making sure your wife is actually ready; you should be going at her pace here. It's also mentioned as a complaint in Gregoire's THE GREAT SEX RESCUE that women think men move too fast.
I also think that communication plays a big part, and agree with you that talking all this stuff out with your intended about sex and your own experiences, fantasies, turn-ons, is a necessary (and enjoyable) part of preparing for marriage. I even wrote a recent comment about that on another discussion (https://marriageheat.com/2025/05/04/aural-sex/#comment-68714 ). It seems that so many couples can't talk about this after years of marriage, and I don't want to be in something like that! I want to talk about everything, instead of making a habit of not discussing important topics.
On the subject of books, I also like Shaunti Feldhahn a lot, and she has a book called SECRETS OF SEX & MARRIAGE which has a lot to do with libido disparities. Her FOR WOMEN ONLY/FOR MEN ONLY books are good too and I'd highly recommend them as useful to read whether you're married or single.
thank you for this personal story. I used to struggle with masturbation too. On one hand I have discovered something amazing and truly beautiful. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the experience – just like you were. On the other hand my culture was telling me it was dirty and sinful. I tried not to do it, but could not resist the temptation. It just felt so good – too good not to do it. I wish the churches and society would be more open and would discard old myths about masturbation.