Angry Virgin
Hey guys, I have something I want to get off my chest. My church had a singles night where I was quite shocked at the event. Most of the attendees are in their 20s and 30s and they’ve already had sex. I kind of feel left out, and I feel that it is not fair that I have to wait—that other people get to have sex and I don’t. I’m angry and hurt and feel betrayed by my biblical teachings. Any advice?
MarriageHeat.com 2018
Dear, dear brother. How my heart aches for you! You see, I was a virgin until the age of 33 when I finally got married. And yes, it was very frustrating and angering.
Now, 20 years later, my marriage has been sexless for the last eight. And you want to talk about angry? Yes, I am very angry. I feel cheated, betrayed, and deprived. It is worse now than when I was an unmarried virgin because I know what I am missing. And my convictions won't let me get divorced or cheat on her. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel any better, but just know you aren't alone.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you other than to masturbate. Not with porn, of course. But stroke away. It's the only way I know to release the sexual tension. Yes, it is only temporary and it returns with a vengeance. All I know to do is masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.
I'm praying for you.
I'm 30 yrs old and have no regrets about waiting. It was lonely, it was hard but when I looked around and saw the hell I was spared by not partaking it was hard for me to blame God for saving sex for marriage. I have determined in myself to obey God even if It never happens. And I wanna be loved. If not for this I'd go out there and try to turn that into love and most likely get a taste of what so many other guys get. God sees us, he must know what we've gone through to obey him. I may have responded to the wrong guy.
But steady89
I refer you to the happy wife school on yt.
I wouldn't cheat and I wouldn't divorce her but I would guiltlessly pursue my needs elsewhere somehow. She's neglected you and put you in a dilemma and that's on her. If you took that and sinned that part would be on you.
I really like the Happy Wife School, she has a great perspective. Another good resource is a book called NO MORE MR. NICE GUY by Robert Glover.
Okay then get marriage counseling or get a divorce what kind of God wants people to be in an unhappy marriage. Sorry man but you don't deserve to be miserable just because a religion told you that divorce was not option no matter how miserable you are. God wouldn't want his creation to be depressed
As I said elsewhere, 8 years of denying you is, IMO, a form of marital unfaithfulness. If you came home early and walked into the house to hear "strange noises" she would be doing you a favor, in a weird sense. At least you know she is over you, the "it's not you, it's me" is total BS, and you can get closure.
I love my wife dearly, but she knows if she cut me off for 8 years, she would be my ex, or we would have to discuss alternative arrangements.
She doesn’t care about you or your marriage.
It’s over.
I can understand why you feel disappointed. I think often, the (incorrect) message that gets taught is "save yourself for marriage so you can have wild sex!" So it's jarring when you encounter so many people who have already done it.
I think it's good to think on why actually we Christians should reserve sex only for marriage: 1) it's a sacred union that deserves a life-long promise with it, and 2) outside of a life-long promise, it's something we can give back to God. He made sex, it's something really special, and we can honor ourselves, sex, and God when, if we are unmarried, we sacrificially offer that good thing to God.
Don't be angry. There might well be a number of those singles that wish they were still virgins; angry that they didn't wait.
I think all of us who strive to keep God’s commandments feel this way sometimes. This can be because of financial trials, relationships or lack thereof, work problems, emotional psychological issues etc.
We ask ourselves, “Why is this happening to me? This is so unfair! I’ve tried to be good and yet I’m struggling. Look at those people who live outside God’s commandments. They seem happy. Why do I bother keeping God’s commandments?”
I found and still find solace from Malachi 3: 13-18.
13 ¶ Your words have been stout against me, saith the Lord. Yet ye say, What have we spoken so much against thee?
14 Ye have said, It is vain to serve God: and what profit is it that we have kept his ordinance, and that we have walked mournfully before the Lord of hosts?
15 And now we call the proud happy; yea, they that work wickedness are set up; yea, they that tempt God are even delivered.
16 ¶ Then they that feared the Lord spake often one to another: and the Lord hearkened, and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before him for them that feared the Lord, and that thought upon his name.
17 And they shall be mine, saith the Lord of hosts, in that day when I make up my jewels; and I will spare them, as a man spareth his own son that serveth him.
18 Then shall ye return, and discern between the righteous and the wicked, between him that serveth God and him that serveth him not.
So, recognize that true joy comes from obedience and faith in the Lord. We recognize that the Atonement of Christ makes forgiveness possible and so we do not harshly judge ourselves nor our fellow repentant believers.
I was a single dad struggling financially and emotionally. My wife had left me and I asked myself, “Why is this happening? I tried to be good. This is so unfair!”
I, myself, fell off the purity wagon for a brief time. I am grateful for Jesus making forgiveness possible.
Eventually I met my Melody. She had been very lonely and yet she had strived to be pure. She was in her early forties and lonely. Yet she had a thriving career and served in her church and community. She was a wonderful sister, friend, and Aunt.
Melody & I have now been blessed with over 30 loving and yes passionate years together! She adopted my children and is a wonderful mother. And yet, if you’ve read my MH stories you know that we still have severe health challenges that feel very unfair.
We find solace in our love but we especially find comfort in the Savior Jesus Christ. So, faith in Jesus Christ & striving to be pure, whatever your circumstances, is the source of true happiness and peace.
I know that feeling as I inch ever closer to being a 40yo virgin. There is the push of societal pressure vs. the traditions of the Church vs. the commands of God. So the first thing I think is that NO ONE IS MAKING YOU WAIT, you could very well go out and start having sex, if you so choose. You don't, because you want to honor God, and I believe that that will be a good thing in your life, ultimately.
There are those who were raised in the Church, and those who came in as adults, I don't know which these singles in your church are, but perhaps the latter. One of the things that sets Christians apart is how we practice our sexuality compared to the rest of the world. In singleness, I hope that you continue to abstain from sex but that doesn't mean that you can't practice and learn to be a great husband before you ever meet your bride. Knowledge is power, practice makes perfect.
It can be hard. It seems like the whole world, even in the church, is enjoying premarital sex, while we who hold it sacred have to wait. But it truly is worth the wait. I'm saying that as a 29-year-old virgin. I have no regrets about going too far with anyone. When/if I get married, I'll be able to unleash all my passion and desire on one man who is in a covenant with me, to love, cherish, and protect me. I can't fathom giving away the most intimate parts of myself to someone who really only wants my body for the night. A true believer will hold you in esteem and wait to enjoy those gifts until you're committed to each other. I pity those other singles at your church who sold themselves cheap. Don't regret standing alone. You are honoring God, and He will honor you. Keep masturbating, think about and prepare for your future spouse, and seek Jesus first and foremost. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us here.
Are these Christian singles celebate now and were sexually active before? Or are these people who are no longer virgins and are currently having sex?
If it’s the latter, I would suggest finding another church. If it’s the first, I would commend them for being celebate because it is very difficult to stop having sex once you’ve done it even once.
As for being angry, I can understand especially considering how difficult it is now to save yourself for marriage. It is worth it in the end to save yourself for your wife knowing you’ve never and she’s never going to know anyone else the same way.
I share your frustration.
May I suggest some questions to ponder and pray about?
Why did God create us?
Why did God create our bodies?
Why did God create our sexuality?
Why did God establish one-flesh activity between a man and a woman?
What is God's definition of marriage?
What is the Biblical definition of marriage?
What is the institutional church's definition of marriage?
What is the government's definition of marriage?
What is your neighbor's definition of marriage?
What is your definition of marriage?
Only one of those matters to me.
As a widow, I have been thinking about these things a lot.
During my widowhood, I have grown closer to Him.
I have learned He wants me to have what is best.
He is teaching me to be patient.
Yo bro. I was a virgin when i met my wife to be on the mission field. We maintained honor towards each other until we got married, and I can honestly say that sex keeps getting better and better.
Now, I can't speak for everyone else, but I can wholeheartedly say that I am so glad to not have any other people or faces or experiences that I have to ever process through when it comes to intimacy. Just me giving all of my mind and body to the one I honored even before meeting.
What's more, though……when I first made a commitment to remain a virgin, it wasn't exclusively for my "future wife". Honestly, at the time, I thought I might be martyred in the middle east and knew that I wanted my life to be consecrated to God. And, if He led me I to the adventure of pursuing a Bride, then I knew He would teach me His Own Love in that process.
"Do all as unto the Lord". If you choose virginity, unto Him (like a Nazirite calling) and live wholeheartedly, then you're not missing out on anything…….you're simply giving up everything as a sacrifice. And then as He leads you into pursuing someone, you are able to give that person a gift that very very few people have stewarded in the days we live in. What you are stewarding isn't just a lack of physical interaction….it's that you're stewarding your whole mind, and soul, for Him and for the person He leads you too.
Of all my friends who engaged that gift before it was time, all of them have told me that if they would go back and change it, they would.
Also, as a creative practice and process, I felt the Father lead me to start a letter chest where I would write love letters and keepsakes in, along the way. If I was traveling to a different country, I'd buy a gift for my "wife" and write her a romantic, honest, sometimes frustrated/sad, sometimes sexy and longing letter to go with it. That way, I could bring her into whatever adventures He was leading me on. And I could include on that sometimes difficult journey of living holy.
I'll say….. whenever she opens a new letter (we are almost 12 years married and she still hasn't opened them all) it's definitely a turn on!! Lol
I knew that, for me, it was an investment of love……one that, if He led me to be single, I could always burn it as an offering to the Lord. But, it also became a creative and Hope-instilling activity. It stirred my faith!
Of course, not saying you need to do anything like that. Just sharing a child like and creative idea.
When it comes down to it, though, let your sacrifice be into the Father. And Secondly, for your future spouse. And let those moments when you feel discouraged or left out then draw you to gaze on the face of the One who gazes with longing for you, daily.
Nothing you give to Him will be forfeit. Every measure is counted, when done in faith.
Blessings man. And be encouraged! One thing God told me in a quiet time, years ago, was this…. "you know, Son… I Am NEVER discouraged". There's freedom and potential to live like Him, in that, as we gain His Mind and are instilled with His VIEW AND PERSPECTIVE of who we actually are, in Him.
I love the letter-writing idea! Not that I travel or have a very fascinating life, but the concept of writing letters to my future husband is so beautiful. I might start that!
That was encouraging for me to read, thank you. You have some great ideas that I think I'll try to use myself!
Don't be angry. There are likely some in your group at church that wish they were virgins.
To the OP, I just must know… how did you get this information? Did you ask everyone in attendance? Did they ask people to raise their hands if they had sex? Seems like an unusually invasive piece of data you received at a church singles night.
Ironically, people were asking the pastor for advice at our singles event, and a lot of people had admitted to having premarital. It was invitation only.
I always wanted to remain a virgin til marriage. I saw it as what was proper. When I looked at porn, or messed with sexual play, I felt bad. I had a a lust to be a virgin & a lust for sexual play. This led to me finally giving in to sex in my early 20s. My first experience led to a pregnancy scare. My 2nd experience, was my wife. We were not virgins when we married. Thank God things did not turn out worse than they did for either if us.
Just because others at church have had sex does not make sex before marriage the best thing ever. Disease, pregnancy, & many unwanted things happen because of premarital sex. The world wants us all to think they got our backs, when they don't. Sex is scary. God made it a 2 person game. It is way too much for 1 person to handle alone. And, alone is what the world is promoting. Sex alone is not at all what the world portrays it to be. It takes 2 from beginning to end. And, not just for having a baby. Sex alone like the world is not about commitment, marriage, or God. It is a trap that steals your life; spiritually, physically, mentally, & emotionally. All of which God never intended for us to do alone. Sex alone is a guessing game. Sure, you're having sex with someone, but where are the guarantees you need for peace, health, & life after the act is done. Many, if not all, sexually active singles know the sting of being walked out on, ghosted, & never seeing the person ever again. Whether, pregnancy happens or not. Sex is a past time, like a board game. Come play with me! Then, many just do not return once the deed is done.
Today, I'd be scared of marriage & sex. Too much is learned individual stuff. No one is learning to be the marrying type. And if they are, how can you find an another like you?
I get it, and I’m sorry. It isn’t fair. But if I may encourage you, comparison is the killer of joy. As difficult as it is, please try to dismiss the actions of others and concentrate on your own walk with Christ. God does have a plan for you. Don’t let others goad you into anything or make you feel left out because pf your choices.
Many people have given good input here. Neither my wife or I were virgins when we got married. We'd roughly slept with the same amount of people (not a lot, but more than a couple) and ultimately, you have to make your peace with that. Misspent youth, as they say. We've been together for almost 40 years, have great kids (all adults). Recently this came up and I mentioned to her that I wish I had saved myself for her, not surprisingly she said she wished she had waited as well.
You can't change the past and the momentary thrill you get from sex, takes on a different perspective when it's with the one, right person. Whatever you get from some orgasm with a person you aren't destined to be with is meaningless. I will never know what sex might have been like with her as a virgin, but I wish I'd have waited to find out.n. Stick to your guns kid.
So much facts! So true.
It's hard to tell the situation from your short description. Are you saying that most of them have already HAD sex, is in sometime in the past, OR are you saying they're sexually active, currently? There is a big difference. A massive percentage of folks aged 30 will have had sex at some point prior. If you're saying there is a number of these folks that are still sexually active, then I can understand your frustration as there is an element of hypocrisy in engaging in sin.
I did once read that over 80% (don't recall exact stat) of Christian couples, aged 25+, that attend service at least once a week admit to being sexually active, which I found shocking. Well, some of the more "progressive" denominations wouldn't even condemn such a thing, so hard to say how their data was compiled. Some people just do life a hypocritical, double-life. I had a friend in my high school and college years that I hung with that always attended church regularly, and outside of church this guy was the closest thing I've ever seen to Stiffler from the "American Pie" movies. He even once remarked that the Bible said sin was "fun for a season" and that he was working on putting up "hall of fame numbers" in his season. What can I say? He wasn't as serious about his faith as he led some to believe. Then, there is undoubtedly some that are more serious about their faith, but still at some point fell to the temptation. I'm talking not in the same category as my friend "Stiffler", but still engaging in sexual sin. Sexual temptation is powerful. Some well-meaning manage to succumb to it.
I made it through my (Christian) college years without having sex, though I was basically backslidden at the end of my college years and probably would have slept with someone at the end in the right situation. As I walked further away, I got further away from seeing any value to virginity or adhering to any sexual morality. I just remembered while writing this that "Stiffler" was trying to "help me out" and set up a threesome with his girlfriend at the time, who thought about it, but backed out. At that time, I wouldn't have hesitated. Eventually, sex happened and later happened on other occasions, always casual and often with alcohol. By the time I met Kate, I was 40 and crossed into double-digit partners. She had two brief encounters with past boyfriends. For her, she had guilt from pre-martial sex, in her conservative Catholic Philippine environment, and having sex resulted in the relationship ending shortly afterwards, each time. I was 40 and had given up on marriage when she happened to fall into my life. Marrying a virgin was an another level removed from anything in my thought process. We never talked much about it and just accepted each other.
Do I wish I had waited for Kate? Honestly, for the two of us, I don't think it mattered and didn't bring much baggage into the marriage. I don't think she had any expectation I would be a virgin when she entertained dating me at 40 when she was 26. I didn't expect it of her either. Do I wish I had waited? I'm not sure I do, and just being honest. I don't think I ever felt confident and related well to women, as I married at 42. I don't know that I would have coped with the psychological tension of having no relief in that time period. I went at least 10 years without looking back at the Christian faith and wasn't that long returned when I met Kate. I recognize that what I did during that time was sin, but I have a hard time accepting I would have taken different road under the same circumstances. I regret that those actions necessitated Christ's sacrifice, but did thousands (maybe tens) of other things I have done wrong in my life. I hope that my hooking up with a modest number of ladies earlier in my life did not cause them to veer further away from the gospel. Those thoughts are the only thing that really would trouble me about my past. The hardest thing I think about is if our daughter asks direct questions of us. I'm sure we should tread lightly around that one. We joke about someday we'll pass on and she'll be left to clean out our stuff and find our assortment of restraints, butt plugs, lubes, ball gags, etc. and might be somewhat traumatized, but she hoping she'll at least be a mature, established adult.
Anyhow, just thoughts I've shared. I understand the OP's frustration, particularly if he feels he is sacrificing while being devout and others seemingly put less effort into it.
My best advice is don't be negative. People can sense it. Women are people so they won't want to get close to you. Women like a charming man who can make them laugh and make them feel safe. If you want to have sex so bad, go do it. If you want a lifemate, quit worrying about the sex and do some charming.