Question about Guiding My Stepdaughter
Hello. Cindy here. Cal knows I’m posting this, and we’ve talked about it together, but I wanted some advice from you all, please.
My husband Cal has a daughter with his high school sweetheart (an ex-girlfriend who he never married). Anyway, his daughter, my stepdaughter (let’s call her Ashley—not her real name), comes to me for advice on sex. Of all her parents (biological and step-parents—her mother is married), I’m the closest to her in age, and the one she likes to talk with about sex and sexuality, etc. For context, Cal is 11 years older than me and I’ll be thirty later this year.
Ashley is 16. She is not a Christian, and she is active in the sex department. I want to encourage her toward celibacy, but I feel a bit hypocritical doing so, and I think I want to encourage her to let her values guide her, if not Christ. Obviously it’s the hope she finds God, but it wasn’t something she was brought up around.
Anyway, I’ve talked with both Cal and her mother, and they’re both comfortable with me talking with Ashley, but sometimes I don’t know what to say or how to advise her. Especially because the questions she asks are in the realm of things that are inappropriate for her unmarried status. Not to get too detailed, but she comes to me with questions like, “Do you think he’d like this lingerie or technique?”
I want her to feel comfortable coming to me, but I also want to feel comfortable being asked these things—and I think I’m not, mostly because I’m not prepared.
She’s already more careful than I was at her age. (I was the subject of a lot of abuse that I don’t want to get into here; I’ll leave it at that.)
Anyway, I’m rambling. What advice, if any, would you have for a young stepmom to give her teen daughter?
First of all, good for you for having such a close n trusting relationship with your stepdaughter. You are very important in her life.
This is a tough topic. But your relationship is so very important. Who knows? Maybe your example will help her find Christ one day. My wife adopted my kids from my first marriage and she has been a keystone in their lives. And yes, they sometimes talk with “Mom” about sex. We’ve even received recommendations on sex toys and given recommendations on sex toys to one of our daughters.
I think the obvious answer to your questions must include safe sex – using condoms etc. The STD possibly is a devastation consequence of the free love lifestyle.
I think emphasis on the relationship she has with a sex partner is still very important. A long term boyfriend- girlfriend relationship has its very positive side. This can lead to marriage one day. Although research suggests that a couple who live together before marriage have a statistically lower chance of staying married to each other.
Casual sex, like one night stands, can be intense but not truly fulfilling. The best and most fulfilling sex is grounded in a long term relationship like marriage. Interestingly enough, religious married couples report the highest satisfaction in their sex life. We have both higher quality and higher frequency than singles or non-religious couples. And I’ll add that MH shows that married sex can be amazing, intense, erotic, comforting, romantic, and extremely fulfilling!
In talking with her maybe let her know some of that. But although it makes me uncomfortable to say it, being prudish about her explicit sex questions is not a good idea. I’d say let her know what works sexually in your marriage – if that doesn’t freak her out to hear it. I even wonder if reading MH might benefit her. If you are open with her she will continue to trust you. That is so very important. Talking about lingerie or/& sex toys or/& sex techniques is not really wrong since she’s doing sex already. But emphasis on committed relationships making sex far more fulfilling could be included in your discussions- but do it without sounding judgmental or preachy.
That’s my opinion now. The me of twenty years ago would have said differently. Maybe I’ve grown in understanding.
I remember having similar talks with our girls. My best advice is to reinforce the value, uniqueness, and importance of a woman’s sex. When Mike and I got married, neither of us was a virgin; we both had several sexual partners. I know Mike has mentioned this on these pages. I regret not being a virgin for him, and I realize, as an older woman, that a gift like that is important, even essential. My virginity was wasted on someone I barely remember; it is a gift I will never be able to give to the person I’ve spent my life with. The problem is that it is a conclusion that comes with maturity, and many social forces are aligned against this value.
Remind her of her worth and encourage her to reflect on that. It’s a good place to start.
Ooh, that is a tough one! Especially if she's sexually active. If it's possible, I'd encourage her to view sex as something so sacred and special, and not to give anymore of herself away before a man is committed to her. Maybe encourage and excite her with the prospect of hot married sex. And encourage her to masturbate and prepare for marriage.
Yes, I think trying to help her see the value of fidelity and sex within that is the goal. And encouraging her to be comfortable with her sexuality as a single woman: masturbating, perhaps dressing up for herself in something sensual, and, if some boys catch her eye, flirting with and dating the boys but without sex.
I'd continually emphasize that these sexual things are best expressed in marriage. Because then your partner has committed to you and promised themselves to you. Use your own testimony and failures. It's not hypocritical of you. Rather, having been there and done that, this is better. So if she's asking you for specific techniques and things, just steer it towards if the boy is planning to marry her and she to marry him.
I do think that if a couple is serious and looking to marriage (not a teenager still exploring but people who are mature and serious about where they're hoping to end up, serious physical affection and erotic intimacy short of anything involving bare genitals can be acceptable and even helpful in preparing for marriage. Make outs that include fondling and exploring each other's butt and her boobs and undressing to partial/near nudity, teasing with lingerie, talking about what you want to do once married, and such, I think can be beneficial so long as it's controlled and respecting each other's boundaries. Potentially, again if it's mature adults, even if a man and a woman make out on a first or second date, including some butt squeezes and other fondling, it isn't necessarily ethically an issue, if it's out of sincere expression of how they feel about each other. But, that's for serious adults looking to marry. If it's a teen still figuring things out, I'd recommend not doing anything more than kissing.
"I want to encourage her toward celibacy, but I feel a bit hypocritical doing so," is really a ploy of satan to stop us from communicating the gospel, & other truths to those around us. There is no one who is perfect, & not having done a certain sin really doesn't help or hurt your witness. There are plenty of Bible characters that did, or did not, do a certain sin & God still calls both to spread the gospel, & speak the truth in love. Who better to communicate the perils of sin than an ex sinner. A lot of times we christians come off as know it alls, or not having a clue what we are talking about. But, I have seen people listen more, with more respect, when they know you have been in their shoes. That I'm not just some goody goody spouting off rules to live by.
Assuming, she knows you're a christian, give it to her straight, as a peer, if you can. Tell her that you're not judging & that you know where she is, you've been there, & you get it. Sex is great & wonderful, & you know the world we live in.
Tell her you want to talk sex with her, but ask her if you can have differences & still talk.
Somehow communicate to her that you two have different backgrounds. That since you go to church, you lived in different times, or was raised differently you naturally have a different perspective. That doesn't mean you have to be enemies. Different & unity can go together. They always do.
I would say naturally be who you are. Maybe you need to let her know your perspective is pro sex. but is from a pro monogamous marriage understanding. Or, maybe she already knows that & you just need to naturally work it into the conversation. Be respectful. Share your understanding. It seems you already have a decent dialogue going. Use it to help her think through things. Share your experiences, & testimony, in that vein. You have a unique position as adult, but not her mom. You're not an ally in sin, but you can be a colleague & fellow woman.
Treat her as you would want her to treat you. Lead with caring about her. Be human with her. Like Jesus did with the woman at the well. The woman listened to Jesus once she knew He was for her & not against her.
Having no one to talk to about real sex questions leads many younger folks to find out the hard way. She will answer her questions, what you get to decide is how that happens.
Also has she been told how this plays out where she goes from guy to guy getting her heart broken again and again until she hates men and wants vengeance for her past hurts yet is still attracted to them. Or has she just been told don't have sex because it makes God angry?
No she hasn’t been told it’s about making God angry. And she’s active but not a slut. She has a boy friend and they have sex. She does want to try more eventually she’s confided in me. We’ve discussed ramifications of that. As hot as the sex Cal and I have, in marriage counseling the thing we get hung up on the most is how much I still fantasize about other men. I’m not saying I’m unique or anything but a lot of what I’ve done was actually done to me and I’m not playing the victim card, but my upbringing was dark, very occult dark. And the number of ‘partners’ I had affects me. So without telling her too much of my past (I basically told her I was a slut, which is true) has led to relationship issues. Cal was a bit of a slut too, but he’s actually adjusting to monogamy a lot better than I am.
First, I'm so sorry for the history of abuse you describe, and I truly praise God that he delivered you from it. And not only that, but he then enabled you to have a thriving sex life with your husband in spite of it all! God can truly redeem any situation and make a beautiful thing out of it!
As for how to advise your stepdaughter—admittedly I'm no expert, and have little personal experience that is applicable here. However, I've picked up on some valuable wisdom from others who have experienced and learned more in life, so I'll share what I've collected.
My first thought is that, while you SHOULD connect with "Ashley" as much as you can, you should NOT help her pursue a path you disagree with, or a path that you think is bad for her. However, there's a kind way to do that. I'd personally say something along these lines:
"Ashley, I love you, and you know you can come and talk to me about anything. I'll never judge you, speak down to you, or make fun of you, and I'll always be honest with you. But honesty means I'll tell you when I think you're making a mistake, and I do think you are making a mistake here. Having sex with someone you're not married to can feel good, but you're setting yourself up for more pain than happiness." (You can add "I know from experience" if you feel it applies.) "I love you and want what's best for you. I don't think this is what's best for you, and so I'm not going to help you do something that I think will hurt you in the long run."
So again, personally, I would decline to give advice on topics like sexual technique in a situation where you know that advice will be used in a sinful and self-destructive relationship. It would be like advising someone on how to find their illicit drugs at a lower price, or get a better high. How could you do that when you know the drugs are bad for them? The choice is up to you, but that's my take.
I also saw some good advice recently that suggested a concept for parents to communicate to their kids, which would be applicable to your situation here. It went something like this: "Please don't have sex like this. It's not good for you. It's dangerous. Please don't. But if you do, please be safe about it." Essentially, recognize that there's a chance (and in your case, a virtual guarantee) that they're going to ignore your urging toward celibacy at least for a while, so it's wise to take a damage-mitigation approach as well. I would fully support you advising her on ways to stay safe if she insists on remaining sexually active. That involves the basics like proper prevention methods for pregnancy and STDs, and also the more complex stuff like making sure she's avoiding boys who are likely to treat her poorly or act irresponsibly. And at the same time, you CAN talk about the goodness of sex in the right context, which we both agree is marriage.
I agree with SCMM's comment above, that advising against extra-marital sex would NOT be hypocritical. It would be, IF you were advising against extramarital sex while still participating in it, but it's not hypocritical if you're currently monogamous and have been for quite a while. If people were required to have NEVER made a certain mistake in order to advise against it, then no learning or wisdom could ever be shared. Learning from past mistakes and advising others not to make the same mistakes you did is a good and natural process. It's not hypocritical.
Next thought: I'd guess she's already well aware that you're a Christian. And you can, and probably should, acknowledge that your pro-marriage, pro-monogamy beliefs come largely from your Christian beliefs. But also remember that, if she doesn't value the wisdom, teachings and authority of the Bible, then there's little use in using it as the main foundation of your reasoning in this case. So openly acknowledge your faith, but also acknowledge that she likely won't be convinced by faith-focused arguments. However, I know there are also secular studies and relationship advice from professionals that indicate pre-marital sex has negative effects on future relationship prospects, with data and experience to back it up, so maybe she'd listen more to those. Then again, she's a teenager, so that might not get through to her either.
Finally, I still have tons to learn about behavioral psychology and how it applies to this kind of thing, but I've heard from multiple experts that bad choices like this are often in part due to a lack of family connection. So if you can simply be there for her as a healthy, Christian influence as part of her family, you'll already be helping steer her toward better choices.
I pray this helps, and even more importantly, I pray God would give you wisdom and courage to help effectively guide this young lady to a better way of living, and ultimately play a part in guiding her to faith in Christ.
Actually I think being a Christian is one of the reasons she comes to me. Her mother and step father are not, though they have gone to church with me and Cal a couple of times. She’s pretty mature and values opinions different from her own-no doubt a trait instilled by her stepdad. It’s not the main reason she comes to me but it’s one. We’re also only 13 years apart. I’ll be 30 and she’s almost 17. Our birthdays are a week apart. Also, I’m her ‘fun’ parent
I think that appealing to morals or religious convictions wouldn’t work, even your own personal convictions. I like the more pragmatic approach… We all enter marriage with some sexual baggage — and some baggage is harder to deal with. It is best, wisest, healthiest to enter marriage with as little baggage as possible to set that marriage up for succSEX!
I told her that too. I wish I had less, not that most of my sexual past is my fault but plenty of it was. She’s only been with her bf but she really wants to try more, which I get, even though she ‘loves’ him. She has toys and as great as they are they’re no real substitute for flesh. Anyway one of the things I told her was how sexually active I was before her father and even after we first got married. It hurt us. And though I don’t think it’s affected familial bonds too much, I only met Cal (her father) when he brought his brother to his first strip club and I happened to be his first lap dance. I love both my brother in laws, but me and that one had serious issues at the beginning and nearly cheated together. It’s a long story But I told her about soul connections with I believe in and she gets it because of her bond with her bf
I think it’s going to be a process by which, over time, you teach her the value of her body.
I think also these talks should include the spiritual side of leading her to Christ. Things like this take time, especially when you may be the only positive influence she has.
You don’t have to feel like a hypocrite; we’ve all made bad decisions that we wish we could undo. Those experiences you have could serve to guide her.
It will be difficult and frustrating, but be patient with her, and use your opportunities to show her a better way.
Hi Cindy, we looked at this together and discussed it. It is kind of a precarious situation but you also find yourself a unique position. She trusts you and that is number one. Our first question is you say she's not a Christian. Does she believe in God not necessarily the Christian God but a creator. Quite often we have found that when we actually talk to a person who's not a believer in order to not feel like we are trying to evangelize them we speak in terms that they can relate to things that don't necessarily affiliate with Christianity but with good and evil in people and the fact that all of the world is a Wonder and that there are evidences of a Creator throughout all of creation. When you can get them to begin agreeing with you on these issues you can get into the historic facts and not push it all in one sitting but in an easily digestible form of bites at a time. When Paul would travel into new areas quite often he used the gods that they worshiped as examples to lead them to the one true God. Next, do you have any idea how long she has been sexually active. At 16, you need to see if you can find these things out from her since she does trust you. Not to accuse her or to make things sound like she was doing the wrong thing even though it was wrong, but for you to have information that you can base your discussion to her on. If she's already talking about techniques and what somebody would like does that mean she has a steady boyfriend at this point. And for how long has that been going on.
Since the genie has already been let out of the bottle as far as sex goes with her. I would say first off you need to speak about protection and safety, cuz not only is the risk of pregnancy there, there is also the risk of STDs and some of those are with you for the rest of your life. The only real way to get a person to change is to get them to the point of being receptive enough to actually receive the Gospel message. And that can take time and it has to be without pressure. The problem is, so many people are resistant to it because of all of the pressure that has come from other people trying to evangelize them
Hence the reason why we need to be friends and walk in love. Something else to consider is, if she has a boyfriend what is his stance on Christianity and Jesus? What about her close friends where do they stand? Not really being sure as to the depth of your knowledge take all things into consideration and then take the time to learn and evaluate what it is that others are telling her and May respond to you about Jesus and about Christianity. Approach this as an open discussion not a defense of your faith. Celibacy is a good goal but eternity is a bigger one. And as important as a healthy sexual life is in a marriage a good knowledge of where you're going to be spending eternity and how would you get there is even more important.
I think you already know this isn't going to be a one shot deal. It's something that happens over time. The key in all of it is love. We need to approach others the way God approaches us and them. He offers us a different way through Christ. He demonstrated his love for us in this. In that while we were yet sinners and enemies to God , Christ died for us. He did what needed to be done and offers us to choice to willingly follow. So she and perhaps her friends need to come willingly and all we can do is love them through right or wrong. Just know this Cindy, this is an opportunity for you you're in the right place at the right time. You've got the right attitude about it but do it all in love ❤️
❤️L&M❤️
Yeah thanks. I left a comment for kinda everyone but this one led to a great conversation while we were on vacation (hence me not replying). She’s not on birth control, but she says he uses a condom every time. And yeah he’s a good guy. They’ve been friends for about ten years and once they hit puberty together that was it for both of them. Not going to go into detail but they’ve both been sexually active with each other though they’ve (this is huge in their generation and we live in a very conservative place) had a two ‘sex hangouts’ with friends- basically orgies without vaginal penetration. She said nobody other than him has ever been in her pussy but they did get handsy and mouthy.
Anyway to the important stuff. She said she doesn’t know if God is real but she doesn’t like all the rules and I told her about freedom in Christ and a Christian community to which she said “I like getting fucked too much to fit in with that crowd”. And we discussed godly sex. She was under the impression it was just about reproduction and then I asked her if I’ve given her any half siblings (I physically can’t, otherwise I would have) to which she replied no and I told her how much ‘I too like getting fucked.’ So not tomorrow, she’s with her mom, but next Sunday she and her boyfriend (he’s from an LDS household-he isn’t LDS though) are joining us.
Thank you so much for all the comments. I read them while on vacation and left my phone at home so I couldn’t log in as I forgot my saved password. But this advice is great. And she was with us on this vacation, we had a lot of exciting conversations. I opened up to her about a lot, we discussed her boyfriend and I ended up giving her some advice that may be a bit too much, but she did open up about going to church with us next weekend. She’s not anti god, she just says it’s not for her, she has told me she, this is vulgar, “I like getting fucked too much to fit in with ‘that’ crowd” so I got real and told her how sexual Cal and I are (which she pretty much already knew) and that the point is never to fit in.
But ladies this girl told me to try the Sona 2 and fuck. Cal used it on me for the first time last night and holy holy holy. Toys are amazing.
I would also emphasize with her that the goal is a restored relationship with God and becoming like God. Everything else should work out from there.
Bee, if you think you enjoyed the Sona, you should try the Sila, also a Lelo product.
I purchased one for one of my wife's anniversary presents , back in May. She liked it much better than the Sona Cruise I bought her a few years ago. I even wrote a story / review on the Sila, unfortunately there's a lengthy time lag from when a story is written & when it gets posted. That story is scheduled to be posted July 28th, if you'd like the read a comparison between the 2 toys.
Great discussion, don’t have much to add but I feel really old 😅
Bee, you’re the exact age of my niece!
I wish you the best in this, may God guide you.
… To be fair, I’m only 8 years older. Still feel really old though 😆
You’re younger than Cal.
Fair point … I think the real reason I often feel so old not so much due to my age, but from the number of serious injuries I’ve been thru due to working dangerous jobs and also just being an adrenaline junkie. I wouldn’t trade my life and the memories for anything, though!
But you’d probably think I’m older than Cal if you saw me because of that. He sounds like someone I’d be friends with by the way, and I totally think you’d get on well with my wife.
Hi Oldtimer and Bee!
Please tell me more about the Sona and Sila. Are they better than toys like The Satisfyer or The Rose? A more detailed description of your “holy, holy, holy” would be appreciated!😍🥰
Also, it’s men and women should love fucking! It just needs to done in the marriage bed. That’s all.
Nice to see your step daughter doesn’t have any hang ups about words. Many women refuse to use words like tits, pussy, cock, and fuck…thinking them too vulgar.
That should just say, “Men and women should love fucking! It just needs to be in the marriage bed.” Not sure how the “it’s” got in there?
I would think that Adam and Eve loved fucking and probably went at it like rabbits, day and night! After all, God said, “Be fruitful and multiply!” 😁
HT: amen!!
From a teen girl… nearly 20! Just chat with her. My mom and even dad talk to me about sex and always did before I became an adult. And don’t be secretive about your sex life. I love knowing my parents get intimate, it helps me know they’re close, and kinda hot too. But for the part about her already fucking, Just be there for her. Both my older siblings are sexually active (twins, a sister and brother) and even though I have Christian parents, they’re loving, not approving, but always loving. Jesus said, they’ll come to repentance through his kindness.
Also talk to her about porn.