Help With Masturbation Thoughts – Answer Poll Question
How should a Christian wife who wants to practice hot monogamy deal with sexual thoughts of sex outside of marriage as she masturbates?
LittleBlueBird asks this question.
Hello, I’m not a new reader to this site, but this is my first time posting. I’m looking for some advice. I’m a Christian, married woman who grew up in a not-so-Christian atmosphere, and I still have a hard time kicking some of the sexual desires that don’t go with godly sexuality. It’s only an issue when I masturbate (my husband and I have a very engaging sex life, no issues there), but when I do, I have such a hard time NOT thinking about or reading about (or sometimes even watching when I’m really weak) sexual things that fall outside the line of what God designed it for. I do have some kinks I feel are acceptable within the Godly view of sex and marriage, but sometimes they seem dull to me, and I keep falling back to sinful fantasies and desires.
Does anyone here have advice on this? Anything to help me keep this within the lines of what is acceptable as a Christian? Is there a point at which a person should just stop masturbating altogether?
How should a Christian wife who wants to practice hot monogamy deal with sexual thoughts of sex outside of marriage as she masturbates?
Poll
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Thanks for asking the question! It's always a good thing to think through a problem and seek advice and solutions rather than letting the problem fester.
It sounds like you have a good sex life with your husband. That's great! Try to leverage that to your advantage. Talk to your husband about some of the thoughts you're struggling with. See if he can handle having sex a little more frequently, so that your sexual energy is spent more with him, and spent less while you're alone and potentially more tempted with immoral thoughts. Masturbation itself isn't bad, but if it tends to lead you toward things that bother your conscience, it may be healthiest to minimize how much you masturbate. That's why I suggest more frequent sex with your husband! Besides, married sex is (or should be) way better than masturbation anyway!
Additionally, try to find a balanced mindset toward the fantasies you believe are immoral. Recognize them as such, but don't beat yourself up if you stray a little. Simply acknowledge what you've done, repent, and ask God for strength to pursue a better, more righteous, more pleasurable, more fulfilling way.
And of course, work on growing your relationship with God! Pray regularly, read scripture regularly, attend church regularly, and if you have the time, read other rich Christian books too. The more you grow in your relationship with God, the more like him you will become, and you'll be better equipped to fight and overcome issues like this.
I hope that helps! I pray that God would help you navigate and overcome this obstacle so that you can have an even more amazing and fulfilling sexual relationship with your husband!
Agreed about trying to have sex more frequently with your husband. I get very turned on when she masterbates and gives me evidence or better yet does it while I'm there or can catch her cumming
I appreciate this advice! I gives me a lot of things to work with, thank you!
I also really appreciate your biblical reference in response to another comment. Grounding ourselves in scripture is so important, because the heart above all else is deceitful. Thank you!
When someone THINKS about stealing a candy bar, but then chooses NOT to take that action, have they sinned? They did the right thing, but are they wrong for even having the desire? I would argue no. Sins cannot happen in thought or fantasy only. Sin involves taking action… always.
Well said, Fearless !
Sinful behavior always begins with sinful thoughts. It's a slippery slope, from thinking about doing something that is sinful, and acting on it. To have sinful thoughts is a human trait,& is unavoidable
God calls us to avoid sin, and instructs us to focus on heavenly things, so we can resist engaging in sinful acts. When we do sin, I believe there is forgiveness, but sin always has a cost..Jesus paid the price for our sins, so we can obtain forgiveness, but Jesus told sinners to repent & sin no more, on several documented interactions he had with those engaging in sinful acts.
What you see, hear on the radio, watch on tv or the internet, & in movies, can lead you toward desires & pleasures of the world, but we are not to be of this world, if you're a born again Christian.
It is best to avoid worldly things.by focusing on pleasing God.
When you have sexual impulses that are unmet by activity with your husband, I'd suggest talking about these thoughts with him. Performing a known sinful act can provide a thrill, because we know we're doing wrong,..a tool I believe Satan enjoys using, to tempt us, away from God.
Use prayer & scripture reading to assist you in focusing you sexual attention on your husband. I'm sure he'll enjoy the attention. Perhaps a discussion with your pastor or a Christian counselor may help you with this issue.
That’s not true from what the Word says. Matthew 5-27,28. Sinful lust is an action of the mind.
In response to Fearless Lunk, I know the MH community has been over this discussion several times, so I won't get deep into it this time. But I'm in agreement with Forgivenone: I believe it is absolutely possible to sin in thought only, without physical action. That's a major point of the Matthew 5:28-29 passage on lust: the fact that a sin virtually identical to adultery can occur without the physical act, but as an act of the heart and mind alone. The intentional thought itself is the sinful act; the choice to think about a certain thing or certain person in a certain way.
You are right, however, that TEMPTATION is not sin. Is it wrong to have a wrong thought or desire? No. Random ideas cross our minds all the time, and some of them are awful! To have the thought of stealing a candy bar is no sin. But where I believe you go wrong is by erroneously extrapolating to claim that, because some thoughts about wrong things are not sinful, therefore all thoughts about wrong things are not sinful. That's a logical fallacy.
To entertain a wrong thought or desire, to allow it to persist and become covetous WOULD be sinful, which is exactly the point of Matthew 5:28-29 (and even 22a in the context of anger, if 28-29 have been over-discussed).
I left out an important emphasis: a central point of the passage is to address a misunderstanding of sin. Jesus uses these examples to draw a contrast to the idea that sin is only a physical act, and instead teach that what happens in your heart and mind is important too, because that too can be either righteous or sinful.
Long time reader, first time poster. Having gone through a time when mental fantasies were a frequent part of my self love sessions, I believe it is the unhealthy to give yourself over to outside influences and that it takes away from what you and your husband could have. My wife and I did view porn in the beginning of our relationship with my wife saying she was ok with it. Once we both accepted Christ as our savior, I felt as the leader of our household that it was my responsibility to disengage porn usage. Lustful thought and images that were not in the confines of our marriage only hurt our relationship with Christ and each other. Prayer when these feelings and thought entered did wonders to my wondering mind and now I only fantasize about my wife and the things we have or may do in the future. I’ve all but stopped self love and try to save my passion for when my wife is involved and is on the receiving end of my desire and she loves that I am more passionate with her because of it. We viewed porn as “ok” as long as we both knew about it and it wasn’t hidden and that’s simply not true. The enemy wants us to believe that so the he may enter into our relationships and tear them apart from the inside.
Amen. Thanks for sharing!
I was also a frequent porn user before I gave my life to God, thank you for your advice from this perspective! It's very helpful
Good afternoon.
When the Lord created spiritual laws for us, I believe he intended us to follow the 'spirit of the law' as much as the letter of it.
In my humble opinion, fantasy in this context is acceptable as long as your actions stay within the boundaries of your marriage. Personally, it doesn't bother me when my wife (shared account with her here) is turned on by fantasizing about other men. I am also very secure in our marriage. You are human! Give yourself a break!
Also, you should talk to your husband. You may find yourself surprised at his understanding, and you two may (or may not) find ways to add spice to the bedroom in a way that scratches your itch without crossing lines.
Masturbating is normal. Fantasy is normal.
It is hard to know exactly what to say without knowing more details about the types of fantasizing you are doing. I can only assume it is fantasies about others, or group sex. Thoughts of sex outside of marriage are a red flag, because they're thoughts of something that is unquestionably sinful. If you think about them enough, you will, at least on occasions, begin to rationalize in your mind that such things COULD be permissible or desire to do them. If you eventually fell into such sinful, you wouldn't be the first to have gone down that road, and that it almost always a road to ruin.
Scripture readily acknowledges sin is fun…for a season. These things will always have an appeal. So, you will always wrestle with this demon if you let yourself go there. The carnal version of me, as much as I love my wife, could get immense pleasure for a group sex experience, but I try to focus on the commitment I have, honoring her, and keeping a healthy perspective.
As for a "Godly view of sex and marriage" that is exactly what you need to focus on. How you define that or what convictions you might feel are unknown to me. Not everyone on MH "draws the line" the same. I give MH major credit for being lenient with what they allow here, in that regard. Personally, with Kate and I, the only limitations we have in terms of morality or sin is monogamy. We subscribe to the school of thought that our bodies are not dirty or shameful in any way, to each other, and they should be enjoyed in their entirety. We do pretty much everything I have ever fantasized about and our sex life is 10x better for it.
I had more partners than Kate when we married. She was pretty inexperienced. Objectively (being unbiased) does she give the most sensation blowjob I ever had? No, but she is fantastic and amazing effort. Does she give the best rimming I've ever had? Actually, yes. Is anal sex with her the best I've ever had? No, but she's GTG with it regularly as I need it. She was my first in some other experiences, and she is my soulmate, the love of my life. Sex is only one (although a major one) aspect of married life. She is unique in every way and that includes abilities and even limitations. Having a number of partners naturally leads for comparisons, but my philosophy is be grateful for what you have, enjoy each other, try new kinkier things and play, play, play!!! Try to leave your past as your past, and know the grass is always green from a distance. There is little that can compare with having a soulmate to exclusively share life's adventures with, and the bedroom is only a portion of that. All the best to you going forward.
This response made me tear up a little bit, actually. You sort of nailed it with your speculation, I do struggle with thoughts like group sex or other partners. What you described about your wife is really beautiful, it really put it in perspective I think. Thank you.
As pastors, my husband and I have seen this dynamic many times. I believe this is a Christian liberty issue. Christianity is about growing in Christ. There are people who have been abused and have thoughts that arouse them from the time of the abuse. Some, being sexualized at a young age, have very kinky thoughts that stay with them for many years and just appear when they are alone masturbating. Keeping kinky thoughts within the bounds of marriage in a great way to remain in a safe place, that is, within your marriage. My husband has kinky thoughts, and I want to hear about them. Sometimes, I find them arousing and I get wet listening to them. His kinky thoughts are safe with me. His past has been redeemed.
We know of young men and women who have seen much pornography in their youth, sometimes even with parents and adults who watched pornography in front of them. In Christ, this past has no power unless you act on it, allowing the mind to take it into action. Shaming yourself will only make those thoughts more powerful. Here at MH, you will hear a diversity of opinions. You must decide for yourself where your walk with God takes you..
Keep growing away from those thoughts and you will find more joy in your sexuality.
This advice is excellent and wise. Well stated and honors our God-created desire and need to masturbate in our marriages and as singles.
There's a lot of grace in this comment, I appreciate that. Thank you.
There's really nothing wrong about having sexual fantasies that would be sinful if actually done in reality. I have a number of top fantasies that I find very hot to fantasize about when masturbating but would be sinful like girl on girl sex and threesomes. I dont dwell on them but do enjoy them alot of times when masturbating and fantasizing. I did an article "Erotic Sexual Fantasy in Marriage" on here a couple years ago.
There's no reason to feel guilty about masturbating to your fantasies, whether they're sinful or not. They're only fantasies so it's okay!
It's funny and then again maybe it isn't, but every option in the poll has at least a couple votes! I thought a couple near the bottom were jokes but I guess people do still believe this. I'm more on the side of thinking fantasy is harmless unless it becomes your main focus. I also support more open communication between husbands & wives in this matter because talking is just good in general, but also you'll never know if your husband would be willing to help you act out some of your fantasies if you don't ever tell him.
I've expressed some of my fantasies to my husband and he's more than willing to do anything he can! It's more the ones he can't help with (because they're extra-marital fantasies) that I'm struggling to let go of. I don't talk to him about those, but maybe I should. Thank you.
Actually, LBB, he *can* help you with those. He can "be" your other person in fantasy roleplay scenarios if you are both willing. You can explain to him that you don't *want* someone else but certain fantasies turn you on, even while you acknowledge that God knows what's best for us and don't desire to ever make them a reality.
That's how Rez and I approach it. He is mine and I am his, and we have forsaken all others. So if he has fantasies I can only share in through roleplay, I'm all in! He doesn't want someone else, he just wants to play pretend with me. And he doesn't really want to give me to others, he (in truth, we) just like to pretend that the dildo in his hand is another guy with whom he gets to share me.
These thoughts don't inspire our actions, only afford a little kink to spice up our monogamous marriage bed.
I take comfort in Jesus' parable about the obedient son in Matthew 21:28-31. It is he who *acts* in obedience who is obedient, and thoughts or even words to the contrary don't negate that. We desire to obey, and we enjoy thoughts of back when we didn't. Those actions are not ones we wish to repeat. God instructs us for our good, and we trust Him; therefore we follow his guidance.
In a way, fantasy and role play work for us as a sort of safety net: we know we can have whatever we want with each other and completely trust one another with our thought lives. Therefore, we have no inclination to go outside our marriage for excitement.
CHL, have you considered creating your own free WordPress blog for writing you or your husband's fantasies? I've started mine and it's free. I think the domain name was the thing that costs like $6 per year. But other than that, it's great!
This is a hard one, for me the reason I write stories about my husband and post them here is exactly that I don’t want to give myself over for sinful desires and focus my energy on what my husband provides (which is more than enough)
It’s always helpful to switch up the kind of sex you have with your husband, whether it be position, situation, time of day, location, etc. I find that being creative in bed, roleplaying, getting new toys or lingere, and engaging in fun things we can both enjoy helps me focus on the sex life I have with my husband.
We play games like “how long can you stay focused on what you’re doing while I’m playing with you” “how fast can I make you cum” how many times can we cum in one day” “who can last longer before cumming” and many more.
I often try to think of the sexiest things he has done to keep my sexuality directed towards him and not outside sources, I reread the stories I post on here because I remember what they felt like and I find it hot to relive those situations.
I hope any of this helps!
This is very helpful actually! I've never thought of games like that, I bet it's a lot of fun! Thank you!
This is a hard one, for me the reason I write stories about my husband and post them here is exactly that I don’t want to give myself over for sinful desires and focus my energy on what my husband provides (which is more than enough)
It’s always helpful to switch up the kind of sex you have with your husband, whether it be position, situation, time of day, location, etc. I find that being creative in bed, roleplaying, getting new toys or lingere, and engaging in fun things we can both enjoy helps me focus on the sex life I have with my husband.
We play games like “how long can you stay focused on what you’re doing while I’m playing with you” “how fast can I make you cum” how many times can we cum in one day” “who can last longer before cumming” and many more.
I often try to think of the sexiest things he has done to keep my sexuality directed towards him and not outside sources, I reread the stories I post on here because I remember what they felt like and I find it hot to relive those situations.
I hope any of this helps!
I’m not saying this to shame you at all, I still struggle with the same issues myself, this is just how I chose to try and handle it. The entire reason I write is so that I can have a growing collection of material to get me going revolving around real life experiences I’ve had with my spouse because I too struggle when it comes to pornography and other things I don’t feel good about watching or reading
I hear you. It's hard! I appreciate your vulnerability. I wonder if writing wouldn't be a good outlet for me as well? For keeping that energy directed at my marriage
This is a hard one and you have to use your own heart and pray about what is acceptable with your fantasies. I know here on MH stories have been posted about cuckolding and sloppy seconds, using a big dildo pretending it is another lover. With the note it is just a fantasy and is morally wrong and they would never do such a thing. Obviously other husbands and wives have these type of fantasies or it would not be a story on here. No judgement only you and your husband can decide what fantasies are acceptable in your marriage bed. I get it and have struggled with it myself. I agree with Pastor Sarah don’t shame yourself that will make them stronger.
What you do no do is give up masturbation – it is foundational to healthy sexuality, and as a Christian, a gift from God.
https://marriageheat.com/2024/06/02/masturbation-as-sexual-purity/
Your concern is your thoughts as you masturbate yourself.
King David when he looked across the roof to Bathsheba, he sinned, not because he had a sexual thought about her but because he desired her for himself.
Look at your intentions with your sexual thoughts – it is to arouse to masturbate yourself, and that is Christian, that is godly. Very different from King David.
Two things I want to suggest.
1. Find my story on "Wet panty masturbation".
2. More stories and images of your husband to help you think sexual thoughts of him. Ask him to wank himself for your viewing pleasure. Gather a varied collection of hubbie's self-masturbation, in pics and video.
And as others have said – there are good stories here on MH for you to frig yourself to – enjoy.
Have sex with your husband more and masturbate less. Easy peasy.
littlebluebird
I would say, check your thoughts. Check your masturbation sessions. While you masturbate are you urged to go out & seek out adultery/fornication/immorality? Are your thoughts causing you to go & do the sin? Are your thoughts about planning, going to, or intending to do the sin at all in the future, whether asap, or sometime later when opportunity knocks, you WILL do the sin?
From what you say, I don't gather that your intentions are to do the sin, I could be wrong.
I used to be afraid of my thoughts. I used to cry, fear, & hate myself for what I imagined. I was influenced, majorly, by porn & society, when I was a kid. Sexual gratification was a damned if you do, damned if you don't place for me. Through my own fears & people around me, I always thought my imagination meant I would do it, had I had the chance. That I wanted to do it. Well, years went by, stuck in that same spot. Girls came & went, I got married, with the same fear still intact. I had sex. But, nothing was ever promiscuity. Yes, it was sin, before marriage. But, I wasn't a player. I didn't have urges to cheat, or run up my body count. Once I married, I carried that desire with me. I had opportunity, married, & not, to go against my conscience, but didn't. Some were my idea, but many were other's idea to cheat, commit adultery. It really was not me, it wasn't in my wheelhouse. But, here I was 30, 40, years old, married a while, now, & I still had that fear of my imagination meaning I wanted to sin. I finally woke up to the fact that I didn't want to sin & my imagination was not me wanting to. My life even showed it. I had a few chances where I could've but did not want to, I walked away from those chances.
Christians should be on guard. We are told to flee temptation & stop sinning. We are warned of being deceived, tempted, & uncontrolled. So, fortify God's will. But, judge trees by the fruit. Judge yourself by your fruit. Call a spade a spade. My masturbation imagination, & porn use, was not me saying sin is ok, that I wanted that worldly sin in my life, nor that I was going to make that sin happen for me. In fact, my righteous thoughts on Godly sex never changed, but always popped up & challenged my porn viewing behavior.
Yes, I can be tempted. But, me watching a murder mystery does not make me want to murder someone. I see women all the time, & I appreciate their figure. I might even say, "I'd look at that," but I don't even come close to anything inappropriate. I don't have that fear anymore. I had the wrong idea. I was wrong on what my imagining sin sex was. I'm not tempted, nor lustful, to do it.
Brains think. Like hearts beat. Brains work without us telling it to. It will piece things together & come up with new things where we got that, we may never know. But, also, we think along lines of our common thoughts. We bought the book, so we access it. The more porn we pour over the easier it gets to access. The harder it may be to stop accessing.
I don't advocate for porn, but I don't judge either. I feel porn is a sin, but not so much for just viewing it. I believe porn is a sin industry because it is prostitution, Godless, & promotes nothing but sin. So, I try to curb my viewing of it, because it is not God, it is not His sex. But, just viewing it, & it not being a cause for temptation, I don't judge the viewer anymore than judging someone watching Friends & seeing hard nipples, through a shirt.
I do not believe just nudity & sex alone, in bounds with God, is a sin. It is the actions that are out of bounds with Him, that He says is a sin.
Seek God's word to guide you into His sexual place, with Him. Want that. Desire that. In the mean time, judge your tree by its fruit. If it is a sin; to you, your husband, whoever, work it out with God. What does He say. Be controlled. Be able to sacrifice. Also, you don't have to let everyone in on what you allow in your faith, between you & God, can just stay between you & Him. Forgive yourself. Wrestle your doubt of God's forgiveness & love for you. Forgive others, too. Your memory of your past, other's sin does not change Jesus going to the cross & nailing that sin to it, dead. Gone. As far as the east is from the west. Work on believing that. Exercise the belief & faith muscles.
Sometimes, we pray that God would take away a sin. But, our sexual urges are not so easily removed when they are natural, God created urges. The key is maturity. Christians have to learn to use, choose, & control our life in Christ. It is not about God doing it for us. But, Jesus knows you. He is familiar with your struggle. You may fail, but get back up because He still loves you. That failure does not stop His love & grace. Keep going with Jesus & you'll get where He wants you. Hold His hand. Walk with Him. Talk with Him. Be patient. Don't doubt His word of love & forgiveness. Disciple.
If you need a confidant, choose wisely. Spouses should be a partner in righteousness, but are not always able, or equipped. Sex is a complicated thing from christian to christian. Confessing a sin & being forgiven & loved is a part of God's plan. So, you may need a confidant, but true forgiveness comes from God. His church is not always that easy to access. Jesus is the best confidant. Be careful not to hide sin & let it grow. We should expose it to His light. Work it out with a trusted same sex, like minded, believer, if you have to. But, I'm not sold we always have to. You find you. Trust God is there. Be patient with you, God is, always.
The wife here:
I would honestly love a more in depth discussion on this. My husband and I have stopped watching porn (not an easy feat especially for me, which makes it harder for him because I use to enjoy pleasuring him while I put on videos for him to enjoy). However, we still role play as other people from time to time. This isn’t really advice for you, just thinking out loud. I think role playing as other people is okay, but is it???
Cindy here. I think a great rule of thumb is talk about it with your hubby. There probably isn’t a one size fits all approach. My husband and I don’t mind it when we fantasize about other people. I realized this was true after he told me about a sex dream he had in which the leading lady was my closest cousin. Cal and I come from a world where we used to invite other people into bed with us (BC). So after coming to Christ we brought all that to an end. However when he told me about that dream, I role played as her and let him play. He sometimes role plays as other men. Maybe I’ll write a story about that sometime, but I’d have to tamper it down I think, we are pretty vulgar when we role play lol.
that was hot. id love to hear more about your role playing, and don't hold back, be as vulgar and dirty as you can. I want to explore role-playing with my wife and sharing each others fantasies more. ive shared some with her but she hasn't shared any of hers yet
Sorry I commented more than once, but I think I want feedback lol
Jeanie here. I fantasize about others and more. Hubby knows and we talk about it. We love role play too. Using a dildo to simulate another man in my pussy as I suck hubby's cock. We get vulgar too.