Boundaries for Single Sexuality
Here’s a neat trick for you. Using my razor-sharp mind and Sherlock Holmes-like powers of deductive reasoning, I will infer a few facts about you—yes, gentle reader, about you specifically. Prepare to be amazed!
First, you have either a vagina or a penis. (I know, I know. My detective powers are spectacular!)
Second, you probably follow Christ. (Truly spectacular, I know.)
Finally, you have almost certainly struggled at some point in your life to define boundaries for your sexuality.
Maybe you’ve expanded your boundaries, leaving behind guilt, legalism, or unhealthy inhibition, and embraced your freedom to be sexual. Or perhaps you’ve narrowed your boundaries, letting go of addiction, sin, or self-destructive habits, and embraced God’s purpose for your sexuality.
Either way, I expect most of us have struggled to figure out how to live with our sexuality in ways that are healthy and holy. I can’t speak for that experience within the context of marriage, but it’s a chronic struggle for me as a single person.
For many years, I suppressed my sexuality. I didn’t fantasize or masturbate. I considered anything remotely sexual to be pornographic; I felt guilty even reading Wikipedia articles on human sexuality. It was a mistake. I often thank God for leading me gently and patiently to a healthier perspective!
However, since accepting my sexuality as a God-given part of myself, I have sometimes erred in the opposite direction.
For a time, instead of suppressing it, I explored it with reckless abandon. Like the Teacher in Ecclesiastes, I embraced folly, “my mind still guiding me with wisdom.” I blundered through gray areas of all kinds, from erotic comics to hardcore pornography—all in search of boundaries.
Some of those explorations led me to wonderful things, such as toys to spice up my masturbation, and even here to Marriage Heat! My guilt and anxiety over human sexuality gradually gave way to wonder and appreciation for its beauty.
Other explorations led me to darker things. I don’t like to think about how many hours I’ve lost to hardcore pornography and fetishistic erotica, how many icky ideas and images I’ve smooshed into my brain, or how often I’ve failed to live up to God’s plan for my sexuality.
In exploring my sexuality as a single believer, I have found good things. I have found bad things. I have delighted in the beauty of the human body and despaired in the brokenness of the human soul.
Here at the end of it all, I want to enjoy my sexuality as fully as I may—but only as I may. I don’t want to put the “sin” in “single.” Sexuality is an amazing gift, and I don’t want to abuse it. I’m so grateful to God for it. I want to prove my gratitude by living within the boundaries he set for it.
Marriage Heat represents an entire spectrum of belief when it comes to what is sexually permissible for followers of Christ, whether married or unmarried.
So here’s my question: What do you believe, and why?
Where do you stand on expressions of sexuality for singles, and on forms of erotica? Whether you are married or single, where are the boundaries for your own sexuality? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!
I have a final thought. Since I’m feeling fancy, I’ll be all pretentious and Latin about it. “In necessariis unitas, in dubiis libertas, in omnibus caritas.” This translates roughly to “Unity in essentials, liberty in doubts, charity in everything.”
In other words, whatever differences of belief we explore together, let’s please honor our common faith, disagree respectfully, and love each other no matter what.
I look forward to hearing your perspectives. Stay sexy!
Dear Poiema
Thank you for sharing such a thought-provoking post. I agree entirely that navigating sexuality within the framework of faith can be a profoundly personal and evolving journey.
Prior to meeting my husband Joe (from here on known as Master Joe), I felt lost in both my sexuality and my faith. He helped me find both. Yes, I did enjoy sex before marriage, and I wouldn’t change that part of my life, but it was never truly fulfilling. It often felt like going through the motions, and I certainly never experienced an orgasm until I was with Master Joe. With him, I found a connection built on trust, love, and faith, allowing me to fully embrace my desires while remaining rooted in our shared beliefs.
In our marriage, my submission to Master Joe is an expression of love and devotion, rooted in faith and the belief that God designed intimacy to be both sacred and pleasurable. Pornography, when used in a way that enhances our connection rather than detracts from it, can be a positive tool within those boundaries. It is not about replacing real intimacy but rather about deepening the experience we share together.
As we have grown in our relationship, we have evolved to include creating our own explicit material solely for each other. I will send Master Joe photos while he is at work as a reminder of what’s waiting for him at home. I document our play in a journal so we can relive those moments together, reading them back to each other and deepening our shared experiences. (Some of those stories end up on MH)
We will occasionally send videos of ourselves in "pleasure mode" as a tease to reinforce what is waiting at home. Our lifestyle is always consensual, always healthy, and always private between us. For us, this has been a way to further enhance our intimacy, trust, and connection, keeping the passion alive in a way that aligns with our faith and our relationship.
I appreciate the call for unity in essentials, liberty in doubts, and charity in everything. Each couple must prayerfully determine what aligns with their faith, values, and relationship. For us, our dynamic is one of deep trust, mutual fulfillment, and a shared commitment to honoring both each other and God in how we express our sexuality.
To summarise my answers:
* Sexuality & Faith – Prior to meeting Master Joe, I felt lost in both my sexuality and my faith. He helped me find both, and our relationship has allowed me to fully embrace my desires while remaining rooted in our shared beliefs.
*Sexual Expression for Singles – I did enjoy sex before marriage, but it wasn’t genuinely fulfilling until I was with Master Joe.
*Boundaries in Marriage – In our relationship, trust, love, and faith guide our intimacy. My submission to Master Joe is an expression of devotion; everything we do is consensual and safe, and it strengthens our bond.
*Erotica & Pornography – When used in a way that enhances our connection rather than detracts from it, it can be a positive tool. Make your own for your lover, be the star.
*Core Belief – Each couple must determine what aligns with their faith and relationship. Our dynamic is built on mutual fulfilment, trust, and honouring each other and God.
Thank you again for opening up this discussion. I look forward to hearing others’ perspectives!
With Love,
Lauren.
I absolutely love the way you and your husband have created and set your intimacy boundaries. MH has helped me see that erotica can be used to enhance and educate. It depends on where your heart is and how you use it.
Thank you, Lauren, for taking time to write such a thoughtful and comprehensive response! I appreciate knowing not only where you and your husband have set your boundaries, but also the values and principles through which you reached them. Your perspectives are admirably purposeful.
I've struggled much more to define boundaries for erotic media than for physical sexuality. (My strong conviction is that sexual relationships, whether physical or simulated, are off-limits to the single believer.) My experiences with erotica/pornography have been double-edged. They sometimes imparted a euphoric glow of pleasure and excitement, and of appreciation for human sexuality. At other times, I felt as though the erotic media I consumed were starting to consume me, even when I used them in moderation. Erotica felt positive and liberating in one moment; in the next, it felt furtive and icky. I still feel conflicted about it.
One of my reservations about pornography is how often it sends deeply unwholesome messages, whether about sex or intimacy or gender or relationships. Even apart from the risk of screwing up my own views, can I support such a destructive medium? Other concerns include how using porn might (if exposed) cause others to stumble, destroy their trust in me, or make a poor impression of the God I represent.
At the same time, I can't help but appreciate the beauty of sexuality and the openness of those who embrace it, such as the wonderful folks here at Marriage Heat. There have been times when sexy videos or artwork feel fun, playful, positive, and even wholesome.
It's precisely because I feel so conflicted about all this that I so appreciate your response. Thank you!
Thank you for broaching this topic! What a great question! I definitely feel that I'm still navigating my boundaries and figuring out what is pleasing to God and permissible in the practice of single sexuality. My core belief is this: God made sex and masturbation; they're both good and beautiful; our bodies are good; our basic desires for sex are good. So I build around that. Ever since God transformed my mind about sex and gave me excitement and eagerness about it, I try to direct all my sexual preparation and exploration towards my future husband. I plan things we can do sexually together; I even have a notebook where I write down sex-related activities, ideas, random truths, and revelations. In masturbating, my goal is to learn my body and understand how it experiences pleasure. I started a masturbation journal last summer. There are areas I'm still working on and that I have perhaps failed in. For instance, sometimes looking for erotic videos leads me to some ungodly sexual scenarios, like gay male sex. However, I want to clarify right here that my intent for that particular genre is NOT because I find unnatural sex to be arousing (I do not), but because I find the rear view of a man thrusting to be very erotic and there are more videos of men-on-men than men-on-women with that angle. Natural sex is often focused on the woman, which is great, but I am turned on by watching the guy, not her! Anyhow, that is an area where I have to check my heart and ask God if I am overstepping His boundaries, since He makes His view of unnatural sex very clear in Scripture. Knowing that any titillating content can become addictive, I consciously try to limit how often I view it. It is just as easy for me to lay back and pleasure myself and pray or think about future marriage as it is to masturbate while watching or listening to something erotic. I want to maintain that balance and never allow myself to become dependent on any form of erotica to find sexual release. As to actual physical boundaries, well, I'm set on saving all things sexual for marriage, though I probably would not be against kissing before that. I am learning that I have a pretty high sex-drive, so it might be me and not my man who has trouble staying pure in a relationship! 🤪 In the meantime, I enjoy masturbating and learning new things about my body's responses. If my family or friends knew what a vixen I can be, they would be astonished.
Firstly, LovelyLonelyLady,
thank you so much for your thoughtful words to my comment! My husband and I have always believed that intimacy is something to nurture and protect, and setting those boundaries together has only deepened our connection. I completely agree erotica, when approached with the right mindset, can be a beautiful way to explore, learn, and even strengthen relationships. I’m so glad MH has helped you see that!
Secondly, I have to say I’m intrigued by your perspective on gay porn, I've never explored that myself, though I have had fantasies about what it must be like. It’s fascinating how certain visuals or dynamics can unexpectedly captivate us. I also love the idea of your notebook! You know I use mine to record our scenes but not as a creative tool to capture desires and ideas for the future. Master Joe usually takes care of that. It’s inspiring to see someone embrace their sexuality with such curiosity and self-reflection.
Loving your journey.
Love Lauren.
Thank you for your response! It has something in common with Lauren's perspective on sexual boundaries, and it's a quality I value deeply: purposefulness. I admire how you embrace sexy fun not only for its own sake, but also to learn about your own body and to prepare for intimacy with your future husband.
I think the self-awareness and moderation you described in using erotic media are good steps toward keeping within healthy sexual boundaries. That said, two of my concerns about pornography is what it represents and whom it profits. Can I justify supporting, with watch time or ad revenue, performers who are paid for sex? Even if I treat women with respect, can I justify consuming media that doesn't?
Wherever your own boundaries may be, it seems like you're embracing your sexuality with purposefulness and joy. May you find your husbando someday soon!
LLL "My core belief is this: God made sex and masturbation; they're both good and beautiful; our bodies are good; our basic desires for sex are good."
Good LLL, your sentence is inspired and true.
I posted a comment about an article I saw.
https://marriageheat.com/2025/02/28/boundaries-for-single-sexuality/#comment-67036
I summed it up as: God is directing us into sexual fantasy as something good for the purpose of showing sexual love as an image of the relationship between God and his people AND inspire marital sex AND masturbation.
I believe God has given you a high sex drive for a purpose.
1. To enjoy the gift of your body and sexuality in abundance.
2. Your openness in talking about your sexuality and fantasy and masturbation is to encourage others to know they as singles can enjoy as per 1.
3. To be a model and mentor of sexual purity for others. (It is not that you are the only one, you are the most vocal and visible of the singles, that is good.
My concern is the porn you are watching. Now, I don't believe pornography is itself sinfully, any more then seeing a couple live having sex or seeing/hearing someone masturbating as see and read in some stories here.
There is a crossover between porn and erotica.
Strictly speaking, if it contains or encourages illicit sex, it is bad. Where the sex is or/and encouragement is marital or/and masturbation it is licit and Christians can be involved with it.
What I am concerned about is when illicit sex is involved. Porn is bad when it involves or encourages illicit sex. Your attraction is to the men thrusting, that arouses you and you masturbate yourself – that is good. You are not being encouraged to engage in illicit sex, good. But gay sex is not licit, that I believe you need to avoid. That does not mean you could not watch any videos from gay men, it is only when they have sexual contact with each other that the line is crossed. If the men were just masturbating themselves, that is licit, you as a Christian may watch, even if the guys are kissing each other. But as soon as a hand or mouth goes to the other mans dick – the line is crossed.
Many videos closeup on the point of penetration – that is bad porn, I like to see the whole person – the face, let me see the enjoyment on the face!
I am mentoring a few people. (One is a single father with two high libido, horny teenage girls – you can imagine the strain on their father. I have found it a blessing to help guide these girls in their sexual purity – for those who ask, yes, they masturbate themselves a lot).
I occasionally get asked about a video or something, girls making out is one that springs to mind. The kissing can lead to breast play, sucking, that increases sexual arousal, I think that far is okay, the question arises as to what happens next?
If their arousal leads to them masturbating themselves, that is fine, they have not crossed over into illicit sex.
But like the gay men, if a girl's hand or mouth contacts the other girls pussy – the line is crossed.
The guideline I grew up with, for dating as well as porn, penis and pussy is for self and spouse.
Poeima I think I lean a bit more toward your attitudes when it comes to porn. I have learned how addictive it is and I know that things that for a long time things that used to arouse me didn't at a certain point, I got bored with what I'd already seen. I also have a lot more grace for myself now than I did, and a lot more grace for others as well. The stuff is designed to be appealing, and addicting! But that also makes me recommend CRASH by J.G. Ballard as a book everyone should read, especially to get a perspective on what the process of sexual addiction looks like.
And I've heard a lot about how people are treated on set, the business practices of the companies that put the stuff out, as well as the sites that host it, it's just nasty all the way around and I don't want to in any way support that kind of thing by consuming it. I don't find that I have the same problem when it comes to fine art photography, or especially anything that is hand-drawn or otherwise animated because it won't be real women.
I do still feel twinges of guilt when I come across videos online of women in workout clothes, because a lot of those women look really nice, especially when bending over. Is it porn? Well my mom would have said so, with her sexually-repressed attitudes. And if I'm going out of my way to search for certain things online, I guess I don't know where the actual boundaries are yet and it's something I'm asking myself.
And of course I need to bring these things to God as well, because He is the ultimate arbiter and what He wants more than anything is for us to bring everything to Him. It's not that I think I'm necessarily doing anything wrong, but I DO want to cultivate habits that are befitting a loving husband! And I guess the main question I have right now is, are there any behaviors of mine right now that MIGHT be OK as a single man but aren't going to benefit me in married life down the road? Those are things that I'm currently working on.
@sarah k
I often agree with a lot of what you say, but I'm honestly surprised at your leniency toward homosexual acts. I don't think this is the place to get into a lengthy debate on that matter, but suffice it to say briefly, I think if there is an intent to arouse, or a known likely outcome of arousal, that counts as starting down a road of sexual activity. Kissing (especially if passionate) and certainly breast play fall into that category, and I cannot fathom any possible way that those activities could be justified between members of the same sex in a Christian worldview. Granted, I can't point to a book, chapter and verse that states my view explicitly, but I think the surrounding principles are enough. I think it's very shallow thinking to essentially require the penis or vulva to be physically touched in order for something to be sexually out of bounds. I think that entirely misses "the spirit of the law" so to speak.
Thanks Joelaurenson101! My aim is to honor God and understand my body for the future pleasure of marriage.
Poiema, your entire post was just so thought-provoking and I really appreciated it. You're not alone in being conflicted over watching erotic stuff if it happens to be on a porn site. I don't have a definite answer to that yet. I do think our heart's intent is huge. God looks at that. And if we're following the Holy Spirit, our actions will honor God.
Sarah K, thank you for raising those concerns. I will absolutely pray about it and proceed cautiously. I reiterate that gay sex does not arouse me (in fact I find it quite repulsive, for both sexes), and only for the sake of certain angles have I ever watched it. But I will rethink that and try to avoid it. I don't want to partake in anything that I know God hates, and unnatural sex is one of those things.
As to the remarks on porn in general, it does bring up a topic that I think has been discussed here before: would it be a positive thing if there was a website only for married couples to post erotic videos? There may already be something like that. I thought someone here mentioned a site called Lustery. At least then you would know that there is no filth or abuse or exploitation going on, which is very likely on any mainstream porn sites. I personally do enjoy real married couples who post on sites like Pornhub, and there are actually quite a lot of them. But again, I try to limit my viewing.
Faith-Manages, I really appreciate your goal to be a loving husband with habits that you cultivate now while single. And I do take your thoughts on porn to heart. Sometimes I wonder if, in my liberation from sexual repression and disgust, I am swinging too far the OTHER way. This is where I need God to help me balance every aspect of my sexuality.
LLL, since you are fine with watching nudity, would seeing your prospective spouse/bf nude be acceptable to you?
I found an article, "Erotic fantasy, spirituality and Song of Songs"
Author: Dirk G. van der Merwe
Verbum et Ecclesia
[…]
People have often asked why is Songs in the bible, often from a view of being fearful of sex. [To paraphrase the long opening paragraph of this article]: God is directing us into sexual fantasy as something good for the purpose of showing sexual love as an image of the relationship between God and his people AND inspire marital sex AND masturbation.
[Edited by MH: Rather than having a very long quotation here, readers can look up the article (found easily through Google) for more details beyond the paraphrased summary above.]
Fair enough.
The link I have did not come up when I searched.
You are going to have to try a few to find the full article.
Good luck people, God bless you in your search and reading.
Sarah K
[From MH: It can be found in the top few hits by searching the author's name and the article title.]
A great question and discussion topic! Here's a summary of my beliefs. (My explanation got to be much longer than I expected, but hopefully it's still useful, even though it's pretty long!)
Sexual interaction with another human being is off the table except with my future wife, and then it will be only with her. No sexual interaction with anyone except inside of marriage. To me, at the broadest definition, that means no interactions that are intended to, or that I know to have the likely result of, arousal or sexual pleasure for one or both parties. My standards are similar whether that other person is a woman I'm in a relationship with, or someone else, but there are obviously some differences.
Here are the similarities. No PIV intercourse. No oral sex. No "anal loophole" (which suggests anal sex isn't really sex), because that's ridiculous—anal sex is still obviously a sexual act. I wouldn't engage in mutual masturbation with a woman in view of each other, even if she was my girlfriend or fiancée. Same standard for "phone sex" where we can't see each other, but can hear each other. (Acts involving homosexuality or more than two people are also obviously completely out of bounds as well.)
When it comes to interacting with a woman I'm in a relationship with (pre-marriage), it's a little different, but only by a fraction.
Obviously, we'll need to talk about sexual things as part of our courtship in order to determine whether our worldviews and visions about sexuality are in alignment enough to join our lives together "Till death do us part," as I believe marriage should be. If some arousal results from that, so be it. Sex is sexy, and we should expect it to be. If a little arousal is a side effect of discussions about sex, I don't have a problem with that. I'd even consider it a positive and healthy thing, as long as it's not the main purpose of the discussion, and as long as it doesn't get us too hot and bothered (which admittedly will be a subjective call to make).
I think kissing is not only an intimate and romantic thing, but also the beginning of what could be considered a sexual act. I would not consider kissing to be sex, but it CAN be sexual in nature, so I would be very careful about how I use it before marriage. I would only ever kiss a woman I intended to marry. I think that's a wise and respectful way to handle it, but I don't think it's a sin to kiss early in a relationship. Personally, I find kissing to be very special and intimate, and I would only want to share that with someone I was almost totally sure I was going to marry. A part of me thinks it would be ideal to wait until the pastor says "You may kiss the bride" to kiss her for the first time, but frankly, I don't think I'd be that patient! Haha! But still, if we got carried away, started kissing passionately and started getting aroused, I think that would be a sign to put on the brakes. Couples should have the clear intent to engage in passion and sexual intimacy, but they should keep it under careful control until their covenant vows have been said.
The same goes for touching. It's normal, expected and good for a romantic couple to be physically close—holding hands, hugging, caressing, etc.—but it shouldn't turn into overtly sexual touches, or anything intended to arouse, until they're married. While this may not be the exact meaning of the passage, it's at least closely related: "Do not awaken love until it pleases." (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5)
I know and fully acknowledge that the Bible doesn't get this detailed in its instructions. My views stem from a combination of direct biblical commands, more general biblical principles, traditions from both Christian culture and secular Western Hemisphere culture, practical human wisdom, and personal preferences. However, I think this is a well-balanced and God-honoring set of standards that I've come to, and this is what I plan to implement in my relationship with my future wife, should God ever see fit to bring such a relationship into my life.
As for masturbation, I am generally pro-masturbation, like most of the MH community. I do recognize there are potential addictive problems that could come with it, and there are definitely certain intentions and mindsets that have to go with it to make sure it is kept in a healthy balance. However, as an act itself, independent of addiction, porn use, illicit or unhealthy fantasies, etc., I think it is acceptable, as there is no prohibition or counsel against it in the Bible.
As for how to handle sexual thoughts, I'll reference Philippians 4:8, which I don't often see used in the context of sex.
Philippians 4:8, ESV: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
A sexually repressed mindset or worldview might say that virtually all sexual thoughts are evil. MAYBE they'd make a concession and say that thinking about sex with your spouse is okay if you're already married to them. But I think both of these are far too restrictive and unhealthy.
Sex within marriage, as God designed it, is most certainly honorable, pure, lovely, commendable, and worthy of praise! So what are we to do with such a thing? Keep it out of our minds as much as possible? Hide it in the deepest, darkest corner of our heart, suppress it, pretend it doesn't exist, and hope and pray it doesn't come out? NO! We are commanded to "think about these things!" We should think about the beauty and pleasure and intimacy of married sex, even if we're not in the phase of life to experience it yet. We should embrace the sexual part of our nature that God created us with—a part that he saw and called "very good!" That has been one of the most freeing lessons in my sexual journey—recognizing that it is GOOD to dwell on the beautiful thing that God created in sexuality, and fantasizing about all the wonderful possibilities of pleasure and intimacy that it holds for me and my future wife.
Does this give me license to dwell on fantasized scenarios of illicit sex, or ogle and mentally undress the attractive young ladies at my church? Not at all! That's not healthy, nor is it God's intended use of our sexuality. But can I imagine myself and my future wife—unknown to me though she may be—in courtship, in flirtation, at our wedding day, seeing each other naked for the first time and being unashamed, and partaking fully in the intoxicating cup of passion given to us in the sharing of our sexuality? Yes, I can imagine that, freely and without shame—and I am encouraged to do so by scripture!
I praise God for bringing me to this mindset, which I believe is a very healthy place to be. It enables me to handle my sexuality honorably while single, and prepares me to unleash the full power of my sexuality for my future wife's pleasure—and my own—the moment we are bonded together in marriage.
…Well, maybe not that very moment. We'd have some very shocked guests, and might spend our wedding night in jail for public indecency! But you know what I mean! (And I actually do have a fantasy story I'm hoping to write about a couple that sneaks away to have sex absolutely as soon as they can after their vows.)
On the subject of porn, I agree with what Poiema and Faith-Manages have said above. I'll add some thoughts too.
I personally do not feel right supporting the porn industry through viewing time or advertising revenue, considering the absolute moral filth they are saturated in on multiple fronts. I'm also opposed to the vast majority of porn, even if it's not for-profit or exploitative, simply because I do not believe it is right to derive pleasure from and glorify something that is sinful. I've written about this before in previous discussions. If the scenario on the screen is sinful (which 99% of porn is) and God hates sin, then we should hate it too, and I cannot see how we can hate something and choose to be pleased by it at the same time. That standard does leave the door open to "married porn," AKA videos of married couples having sex, because there is no sin going on, and in fact, the act portrayed is a good and beautiful thing. I have a difficult time condemning that on an absolute moral basis.
However, for the last several years since I fully broke way from porn, I've stayed away from even videos of married couples. I've done that for many reasons. One is a privacy issue. A part of me wonders if sex is something that really should be purely between each couple, in such a strict sense that they shouldn't even be viewed in their intimacy by anyone outside the marriage. There's also the fact that I don't know what my future wife's views on this issue will be, and I want to be able to share every detail of my sexual history and journey with her, and not have this come between us if she doesn't like the idea of "married porn." (MarriageHeat itself poses a potential problem there too, but I think it would be easier to explain than essentially watching porn, just with married people.) I also recognize the possibility of such intensely visual media negatively influencing my subconscious expectations in terms of things like body standards and women's bedroom behavior. I want my sexual mindset to maintain a focus on a relationship with my future wife, not whatever the next tantalizing, erotic thing might be to come across my screen.
Thank you for your response! I agree with you on practically every point, and I especially admire your focus on building a foundation for intimacy with your future wife over doing whatever feels good in the moment.
I believe it's of utmost importance for couples to be transparent (naked, so to speak!) with each other when it comes to their sexual histories; it's a matter not only of honesty, but of trust. You, PatientPassion, are wise to practice your sexuality with your future wife's views in mind, and with the intention of hiding nothing from her.
I also appreciate your mention of how porn reflects unrealistic standards and expectations for sexual relationships. There's a place for wild, silly fantasies, I believe, but they must be tempered by self-awareness and reasonable expectations. Porn doesn't exactly encourage those!
I like the concept of "married porn," but I balk at using the kinds of websites on which it's usually hosted. Even if the videos themselves don't represent sinful acts, I would become complicit in supporting (however slightly) a problematic industry by watching them on sites whose content is mostly sinful.
For this reason, I feel much more at ease with erotic media that uses art instead of human performers: pictures, animations, that kind of thing. I feel better masturbating to fictional persons, the fruits of an artist's imagination, than to human beings with bodies and souls debasing and exposing themselves to strangers on the Internet.
I also feel better about volunteer submissions to Reddit, for example, than I do about content on mainstream porn sites. A woman sharing erotic audio for an exhibitionist thrill feels (at least to me) less icky than professional sex work online.
I appreciate your thoughts!
Poiema,
I'm intrigued and impressed by how much thought you have put into all of this. We seem to think a lot alike.
I'm all for "freedom in Christ" — in all of life, and especially in the sexual area. But, that said, I do believe that certain boundaries do still exist — even within the "freedom" framework. The best example is the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve had only ONE rule, and yet they still managed to break it. With all of the modern influences coming at us from all directions, along with competing versions of "the truth", it is no surprise that our society is a mess in many ways — especially sexual. (Stepping down from my soapbox now….) 😉
Rather than restate a lot of things, here is the link to my "introductory" post from a few weeks back. In it, I state some of my boundaries — which I suspect are parallel to yours.
https://marriageheat.com/2025/01/11/introducing-turnedon47s-story-with-a-poll-question-about-pornography/
My biggest boundary is anal sex. I think that it is entirely wrong. I think that it neglects God's beautiful and intricate design of the pussy, and replaces it with something that has only one purpose. I know that some on this site disagree. So, I don't push the issue in comments on their posts. I simply state this as my own viewpoint. Normally, the MH admins do not allow outside links, and so I won't post the link to a blog page that I wrote about this topic. (Admins: if it is OK to post the link, please let me know. I go into significant detail and back it up with Scripture.)
[From MH: Feel free to add a comment with the link, and we can review it before deciding whether to publish it. While we don't generally allow outside links, we do allow them on occasion for things relevant to the discussion at hand.]
You are single, and I am "single again". So, I have seen both sides of the discussion. I think that you have a lot of right ideas, and I admire you for posting them as a conversation starter. Keep on seeking God's guidance and wisdom, which He promises to give liberally to all that ask. (James 1:5)
TurnedOn47, I agree.
I tried to search commentaries, but got mixed messages.
Lev 18:22 “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”
Looks like a condemnation of anal sex.
When a man engages anally with his with, I believe he is lying with her as he would with a man, and comes under this condemnation of Lev 18:22.
I know that theologians have condemned "unnatural acts" as gravely sinful.
Later people have interpreted the earlier to include oral and hand, which is nonsense as it is natural to use the hand and mouth for pleasure.
But the anus – needing preparation, lots of lube etc, and clearly not designed for penile penetration, unlike vagina, and hand.
Not to go against those who like a butt plug, I think that is okay. It is penis in anus I believe to be morally wrong.
sarah k,
I agree. (A butt plug is certainly not my thing. But, if my next wife said that she "needed" it, then I might reluctantly agree.)
BTW, thanks for supporting my comment. I suspect that many here might disagree.
Sarah k – Each of us are entitled to our own understanding of Scripture. As to your reference to Leviticus and men lying with men, I have a different take on it as it relates to men and women. For a "man to lay with another man as he would with a woman" indicates to me that anal sex, oral sex and manual sex between a man and a woman are all okay with God since men don't have a vagina. Interpreting it any other way would make vaginal sex the only "God approved" version of sex.
To say that oral and manual are ok but anal isn't seems to me to be selective in terms of one's own personal beliefs. I'm not condemning having personal beliefs as that is what "free moral choice" is all about. I'm just pointing out that the Bible doesn't say anything negative about anal, oral or manual sex between a man and a woman, but most versions don't put a positive spin on it either.
Honestly, when it concerns anything sexual, it appears to me that many of the religious translators inject their own discomfort or hang ups with sex into their translations, rather than giving an accurate translation of God's design and intention for the physical relationship between men & women.
These are just my thoughts and beliefs based on my research and prayers. I offer them as food for thought in hope that it may help others in their quest for an understanding as to what Godly sex really can be.
Horndog53,
I present to you the argument that the Holy Bible DOES say something about anal sex. (It says "don't".) But, in modern times, the average Christian (and even some modern pastors) cannot read the allegorical language.
Please click the link that I included in a comment on the recent "Anal Training" post. The blog page that is linked will explain it in some detail — including references to the Greek meanings of certain words.
TurnedOn47, here is the link you posted on the other thread.
"Anal Training and Success (A/L)"
https://marriageheat.com/2024/12/30/got-it/#comment-67064
Horndog53, I repeat what I said before, " the anus – needing preparation, lots of lube etc, and clearly not designed for penile penetration".
As the saying goes, the anus is exit only.
PS, I like having my pussy fucked, God designed the pussy for fucking, not the anus.
How do you argue that using hand and mouth for please is not natural?
While I think this debate on the permissibility of anal sex could potentially be beneficial, I don't think a post about boundaries for SINGLE sexuality is the place to have that debate.
Might I suggest moving it to this post: https://marriageheat.com/2018/06/15/anal-play-in-christian-marriage/
It's an old one, but a more relevant place for such a discussion.
“PS, I like having my pussy fucked, God designed the pussy for fucking…”
I must say, it’s really refreshing to hear other women/wives talk so openly and bluntly like this— using the F word for sex. So raw and natural.. Love it! A lot of women won’t use the word for sex and that is sad. They think it’s not “lady-like”. But men don’t want their wives to be “lady-like” in the bedroom! My hubby certainly doesn’t! He loves it when I say “fuck me.” “I need you to fuck me.” “Fuck me hard!” etc. Sarah, do you say “fuck” in front of your daughters too, and teach them to use that word for sex? I should start another post on “All the things we like to say and hear in the bedroom (or living room, kitchen, dining room, outside on the deck 😁). Might just do that!
Hot Tamale,
YESSSsssss!! Your husband has taught you well. 😉
Do a search for "The Book of WOW" and "AFSOC", and you will find a blog post that discusses that in detail — and, from a Biblical perspective.
Regarding the physical boundaries, I think a good rule of thumb before marriage is – does it involve the other person stimulating bare genitals? If so, that's a sex act and inappropriate before marriage. I think short of that, a couple getting passionate is fine, even good. And I think seeing each other with a level of undress as the images used on this site is acceptable.
With erotic material, the questions to ask are 1) does this honor and respect marriage and fidelity, and 2) is anyone being exploited or even trafficked?