sexless marriage

Sexless Marriage – “He Doesn’t Desire Me – What Should I Do?”

Seeking Passion sent an email asking for advice for their largely sexless marriage. She represents many who visit Marriage Heat. In many ways Marriage Heat has been used by God to rekindle and support marriage intimacy. For some like Seeking Passion, Marriage Heat offers hope but also sadness about her own situation. Marriage Heat asked Seeking Passion if she wanted us to share her sexless marriage situation. Seeking Passion writes,

Marriage Heat,

I will like it very much if you posted my message on your blog for comments and suggestions. I am looking forward to reading the comments and ideas.

Thanks a bunch,
Seeking Passion

Sexless Marriage Statistics

Sexless marriage are more common than you think. Dr. Phil a popular T.V. psychologist quotes Newsweek magazine stating that 15% to 20% of couples in the United States have a sexless marriage. Dr. Phil lists some more interesting statistics about sex in marriage in America. See Dr. Phil’s article

Marriage Heat wants to help people to experience more hot monogamy. People who visit this site want this to be true in their marriages. We thought that it would be a good thing to share Seeking Passion’s email with our Marriage Heat audience.  This is what Seeking Passion wrote,

Marriage Heat,

I really don’t know how to describe what I am feeling. Most of you women sound like you all have a great and fulfilling sex life with your wonderful husbands. My problem is the total opposite. I will have been married for 9 years this October and I love my husband so much but our sex life is basically none existent. Over the last few years we have maybe had sex about 20 times at the most.

He doesn’t desire me the way most husbands would desire their wives. He never approaches me for sex. We spend all of our time together but we do not make love. I keep thinking back to when we were first married and his sex drive was up and mine was low. I was dealing with three small children and in college full time. When he wanted me I was too tired and exhausted and would turn him down, but not always, just most of the time.

Now I am out of school and the children are older and they don’t need me so much and my sex drive is up and his doesn’t exist. Part of me thinks it may be because I have never lost the baby weight from my three “rugrats” plus I have put on a few more pounds. I have tried everything I know to get him interested in sex and it doesn’t work. If we do happen to have sex he only lasts a few minutes and it’s over.

Now my mind is starting to wander in places it’s not suppose to. What am I going to do? Please help me! I welcome any and all advice.

Yours,

Seeking Passion

If some of you understand where Seeking Passion is coming from and you can share your journey to finding marriage heat, please comment. She is open to all the encouragement she can get. Your comments could help others. Many men and women have found themselves in a sexless marriage. Our only words of caution for Seeking Passion and anyone else in a sexless marriage is that the opinions expressed will not solve every problem and that it might be necessary for you to talk to your pastor or other loving professional for more encouragement or help.

Marriage Heat wrote a blog on this subject about a year ago. Click here to read.

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26 replies
  1. Anonymous says:

    I understand…my husband and I seem to be feast or famine. After 20 years we are trying to bring sexy back but there are some hurt feelings that we have to put aside. I have been praying about it and I see signs that passion is returning but I have to be cautious and open with him. While reading these stories, it is important for us to remember that God is the one that fulfills all our needs. I can become envious easily and compare our lives with others, but God has a path for us to share and I trust that.

    • Seeking Passion says:

      Thanks She Writes, that is a very good idea; I just hope that my husband is willing to have a physical. I have mentioned it in the past to him but I don’t think he took me seriously. I think the hard part for me, in my opinion, is bringing the subject up. I guess you can say that I have butterflies, or better yet bats, in my stomach. I pretty much need to put my game face on and catch him in the right mood. AND pray for a positive outcome. Thanks:-)

  2. Seeking Passion says:

    Thanks Anonymous, I am happy that your sex life is getting back on track and thanks so much for that positive comment. I needed some uplifting and encouraging words. I really do need to start praying harder and more often. Then wait patiently on God to deliver.

    It really is hard not to be envious of the couples when reading how much passion and romance they have in their marriage. When reading their stories I am like “WOW!” that is so amazingly hot. I know that it is going to take a lot of work, but where do I begin? I am fresh out of ideas. I love my husband so much and just want to be close to him in that special way with that bond. When we do come together in that special way I would love for it to be romantic, hot, full of passion, and last more than a few minutes. Plus I am not the type that easily orgasm so you can imagine my sexual frustration.

    Thanks again for the encouraging words:-)

  3. hornyGG says:

    Seeking passion, First of all let me say that after reading this, my husband Ben and I talked about it and we both prayed for you. We asked God to intervine and help you in this difficult situation. I have seen first hand what the good Lord is capable of and he will work to help you as well.

    I have been very blessed to have a husband who desires me as much as I desire him. After thirty years of marriage , there is one thing I have learned and that is, men are strange creatures at times.

    You say that early in your marriage, his sex drive was up while yours due mainly to kids and school was down. Now it is the opposite way around. You also say that during this time you would turn him down most of the time.

    My dear, men put off as being strong and sometimes a bit macho, but they tend to have fragile egos and some can’t handle rejection real well. Often stroking their egos and making them feel like they are the hottest thing since toasted bread often helps weaken the wall some may put up in fear of rejection.

    That being said, like shewrites mentioned, it may be a medical issue. Low testosterone levels do affect a man’s sex drive. Something to consider.

    The main key here my dear is communication. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, tell him how much you desire him and need him to make love to you. He may put it off as not a big deal but let him know it is to you.

    You obviously love your husband very much . It took a great deal of courage on your part to put this out and I salute you girl! Just never give up the hope and on love. Pray and I promise you the Lord will come through. Take it from this ol’ girl nothing is impossible through him. Stay strong and have faith.

    I hope this helps a little. I cannot claim to know what your going through, but I can and will continue to pray for you as well as your husband.

    As far as being hard to orgasm, well there are ways to remedy that! But that’s another subject for another time.

    God bless you seekingpassion. Stay strong and always stay horny!

    • Seeking Passion says:

      Thanks HornyGG, I do believe that this is my fault because I was so occupied with our children and my degree. I didn’t think that in the long run it will cause problems. I should have made it a priority to lose the baby weight and stay in shape and I could have made time for him. I could have even went to school part-time.

      It’s like now, I can see all of these things that I should have done to keep my marriage like it was in the beginning. I am definitely going to take you guys up on that physical. I think that is the best idea to rule out anything medical. Later you gone have to tell me about those orgasm remedies:-) I can’t wait to read them; very excited!

  4. Blondie says:

    Praying for you, Seeking Passion! I truly hope you and your husband can reconnect. I think already there has been some good advice on here. I agree with Gina and SheWrites about perhaps checking out if there first is a medical reason for his low libido. I also encourage you to be the difference you want to see, maybe surprise him with something he wouldn’t expect from you and actively communicate with him about your feelings without being accusatory or super emotional (a lot of tears can sometimes shut a guy down as it tends to overload them). Pumping up his ego a bit could help in letting him know you find him attractive and are aching to get his clothes off. Another way you may gain a fire-starter is reminiscing about a sexy time you’d had in the past together.

    I don’t know what you are going through exactly, but I know the best thing to do when I feel my self-worth dwindling is to remind myself that I am God’s, saved from my sin by Christ and He loves me and my worth is in Him so much so that He gave His life as a sacrifice to save me. That is true love!

    I hope and pray you can rekindle your passion together. God bless you and your family!

    • Seeking Passion says:

      Thanks Blondie, I can use all of the prayers I can get. I am so desperately ready to reconnect with him emotionally and physical. I love him so much; I love everything about him. I been thinking a lot about surprising him. I think I’m going to have to think outside the box and get creative. All my other attempts have failed. First I am going to have that physical done and the surprise will be step 2. I can’t wait to write about my own story:-)

    • Blondie says:

      So happy to hear you were encouraged by the site! I will continue to pray! Keep us posted and don’t give up 🙂 It looks like your heart is in the best place it can be on this issue. Here’s to you and your husband’s journey in rekindling the flames of passion!

  5. Barnboy says:

    I also will be praying for you Seeking Passion. As for your husband I agree with others posted he may want to get a physical. I had low physical energy and less sexual desire for a few years. When I finally got checked out I found out I had low testosterone. Now that I am on Androderm patches I am now chasing my wife around the house plus managing a lot better physically. Now my wife thinks all I think about is sex…come to think of it…of course…she is right.

    • Seeking Passion says:

      Hi Barnboy, reading this coming from a guy’s perspective really allows me to see that this may be a normal thing that some men go through. I would love for my husband to chase me like he use to. That would be a dream come true. I’m hoping we reach that point and soon. Beside his physical, I have been watching what I eat to drop the extra weight. So far I’ve been very disciplined. All of you have given me so great advice and I am so grateful. I thank God for this web cite, I truly do. I have already got a few ideas from some of the stories I have read. And, thanks for the prayers; I really appreciate them:-)

  6. Lovinghusband says:

    Dear Seeking Passion,

    My heart goes out to you in this situation – and I want you to know that I have prayed for you.

    I like a lot of things people have said to you. Are you and your husband part of a church that believes in the authority of Scripture? I ask, because I wonder how your husband would respond to 1st Corinthians 7 – and the teaching that both spouses are to be available for the other. We do not have absolute authority to withhold ourselves sexually from our spouse. How do you think your husband would respond to a gentle appeal to what the Bible says in this regard? Would he say the Bible is to be obeyed?

    If you are both under the same ultimate authority (what the Bible says) – then, neither of you has the right to practice a lifestyle that is sexless. I understand that it is more complicated than just quoting a verse to your husband – but there is something to be said about what has ultimate sway in his decision making. If the Bible is his ultimate rule, then you can appeal to him (lovingly, respectfully, and gently) based on what it says.

    If the Bible does not have that role in his life – then, I think the problem is more difficult. It will then come down to what he wants, if he is the ultimate arbiter.

    I love that you are willing to do your best to make yourself that best you can be for him. Keep working hard – resting in the fact that God loves you. It is obvious that you love your husband dearly! I so hope that he will have eyes to recognize this and see what God has blessed him with.

    I might be repeating what someone else said – but I encourage you to communicate your regret for what happened in the past. Admit your faults and regrets. I think it could be very meaningful to him. Your sincere humility and willingness to be vulnerable might help him to humble himself and repent, too. If not, just keep this in mind: Your purpose in life is to seek to honor God and bring glory to Him in all things. Even if your husband rejects you at some level, please have peace in knowing that your efforts that are aimed to glorify God – are not missed by God! He sees all! He knows your heart. You can be comforted by this. And this comfort can give you the courage to even take the risks that are involved in bringing these things up to your husband. Even has God strives with us – we must remember that we will face many trials – and some of them are right inside our families.

    Don’t give into any temptations to look elsewhere. In the meantime, perhaps it would be good for you to masturbate while thinking of sexy moments with your husband – or of some fantasy with your husband.

    I also want to add that perhaps your pastor could be helpful in bringing good counsel to you both in this regard. Do you feel like you can go to your pastor and bring this up?

    I hope that it will not be very long before you notice that your husband is seeing your efforts and appreciating them (if he is physically able – of course). Commit your actions to the Lord!

    I also hope that your husband will be chasing you around the house some day soon – because he appreciates the treasure that God has given him in you!

    I hope something from what I’ve written can be helpful and that you will
    find rich encouragement in the Lord.

    God bless you!

    • Seeking Passion says:

      Thanks Lovinghusband,

      I really appreciate everything you have said and I find so much wisdom and encouragement in your words. As for our Christian side we do believe strongly in the bible; every word. We just recently started back going to church and we have also been talking about rejoining. We feel like we need to rededicate our lives.

      I pray but not like I should; plus my husband and I don’t pray together either. Reading some of the stories I noticed that the couples in them pray together as husband and wife, as one. I am really hoping that our efforts to go to church regularly, pray often and daily, and read the bible together pay off, soon. I can’t wait til the day comes when he does chase me around the house. I get worked up just thinking about him:-)

  7. Anonymous says:

    Seeking passion, I am delighted that you will talk to your husband about having that physical. It very well could be the answer to your prayers.

    Please my dear do not blame yourself. Marriage is a road traveled by two and it is not always a smooth road. If I insinuated that you were all to blame, I am sorry. It’s just like I said, men like us women can be strange creatures at times. Just have faith in the Lord and things will work out.

    I cannot wait to read a passion story from you as well. Of course your hubby may keep you too busy for you to write one. That is unless you can write one while he is chasing you around the house or bouncing you around on your bed! Lol.

    If I may reiterate something Lovinghusband so eloquently put, it definitely would not be a bad idea for you to masturbate in the mean time. I do not know how you feel about masturbation, but it will help alleviate some of the sexual tension you are feeling. Plus it can help you with your difficulty in achieving orgasm.

    Nobody knows you and what pleases you better than you do my dear! Plus you might find out about things that you didn’t know that might light that pleasure fire inside you. Good luck!

    God bless and stay horny!

    • Seeking Passion says:

      Hi Anonymous,

      I’m sorry if I made it seem like I thought that. Not to worry, you didn’t insinuate anything. Those are just my own realizations, that’s all. I did talk to my husband and he is willing to have a physical as long as I go with him. We still have a few things to discuss from our past about how we may have ended up in this situation. I have yet to bring that part up; I’m taking it slowly. As for masturbation, I do masturbate but it always make me yearn for my husband even more. However, I do have instant relief from sexual tension 🙂

      Thanks so much for your concern and support; I really mean that:-)

  8. Steve & Annie says:

    Seeking Passion,
    Let me start by saying we have been married for over 26 years and in that time you as a couple go through many different seasons some good, some stretching. First and formost God brought you together for a special purpose, always remember that!!!! We will continue to pray for your marriage.
    As a man I can relate to your husband, when our boys were little Ann spent alot of time with them wanting to be the best mom she could be. And sometimes at the expense of our time together. At the time she saw the boys as her top priority after God and yes she was tired, so when I came home and wanted to make love to my beautiful bride she said she was exhausted and lets take a rain check. So our sex live became less and less, two to three times a month. After a while of this you stop asking, because you know you will be turned down or if you do it will be so quick that it was what I termed as just a maintance fuck. In Ann’s mind she was doing her wifely duties. It was a hard season, but glory to God, she has totally changed and is my lover again.
    You need to remember as a man we can take whatever the world can dish out as long as we have a loving wife to come home to. Thats not just saying it but showing it through lovemaking. He can have a terrible day at work, but we he comes and his bride slaps him on the ass and whispers in his ear you are my man that I love so much!!!!! After dinner when the kids are down, we going to shower, I’m going to lather you up suck your cock take you to bed and fuck your brains out!!!! There is nothing that can stop him.
    My dear sister you have so much control in this situation, its not about the weight it is totally about your heart and your love for your husband. The husband that God has blessed you with!! In the words of our dear sister Gina stay horny my dear and watch how awesome our God is!!!!
    Steve

  9. Wishitwere says:

    I’ve decided to share from a man’s perspective in living in a sexless marriage. My wife and I have been married almost 38 years. We married when we were 19 and both of us were virgins. We had a very satisfying sex life for many years. But about five years ago my wife decided it was time to stop. I was stunned. Sex got less and less to the point now it has been almost a year since we last made love. During our marriage, I ALWAYS made sure she was satisfied, had orgasms and was cared for. I travel a lot, and over these last several years came home with something special for her. I gave her massages every night I was home. But, no response even though I would occasionally ask. Once, when it had been 6 months since we had had sex, I asked her and she proceeded to tell me I was “so selfish because I should know she didn’t feel well.” This at a time when she had the energy to care for 4 grand kids at once. Ladies, please know that when you refuse your husband repeatedly, something shatters inside him. I am now shattered. I am successful in my work and still love my wife, but I depend now on masturbating once or twice a week to our memories in order to stay sane. She acts as though all is fine, and enjoys being with me, but not sexually. I wonder if I can last my remaining years this way. She has displaced me for food, and how now become morbidly obese, which scares me more than anything. I’m afraid I will lose her. No, she will not go to counseling. For her, she feels like I should be finished with sex as well. She doesn’t really want to bother with it. Many of the men I work with and are around the same age have wives who have taken care of themselves and they still talk about their love life. To say I am envious doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. I love my wife and I want to love her sexually. I feel discarded. I too read these stories and remember what we used to have, and still being in our fifties, I don’t think it should be over. Please don’t tell me to talk with her, believe me I have, and it has only magnified the problem. For all of you enjoying sex with your spouse: please, please do not take this for granted. And understand what you give to your spouse sexually is vital. I can only “wish it were.”

  10. Petrafied says:

    Just read the poll results, since we are in the 2nd largest group, 1-3x a month I guess I’d better just decide to be happy.

    Ladies, a piece of advice to you if your spouse tries to discuss this with you realize very very fast that sin is lurking at the door. For you, withholding yourself is sinful (read The Book!) and for him, as the opposition will bring all kinds of temptation his way as there is a void that you are choosing not to fill. If you don’t minister to your spouse the opposition will bring someone along to do so. This goes both ways ladies, gents.
    I am not suggesting to go along with deviant behavior etc. However if your spouse would like more than 1-3x a month and you are happy with that don’t tell him/her they need to adjust. YOU ADJUST. Double what you are happy with starting today. I realize I’m preaching to the choir but there is no way to get the message to those who need to hear it even if they live in the same house.
    Blessings and prayers.
    Petrafied

  11. mtngent says:

    I totally agree with everything I have read from everyone, I was in a sexless marriage for many years that ended badly. I found that communication is definitely the most important thing. And not to get upset about things the other might bring up, they are vital concerns to them. COMMUNICATION AND UNDERSTANDING are the most important things to keep open and do often. And yes us guys aren’t the easiest ones to get to communicate sometimes, just don’t give up. God bless you both.

  12. BlueBee says:

    Seeking Passion, I totally understand how you feel! I am going through the same situation with my husband. We are both in our early 30’s and I just can’t understand his lack of sexual desire for me. I take good care of myself and have always been faithful to him. People tell me that I look better now than I did when I was in my 20’s. I have been married for 8 years and we do not have children yet. Over the years I have developed a greater desire to explore my sexual side and to have more fun during sex. My husband, on the other hand, thinks that sex is just another ‘job” for him to do. For the past 2 years, my dear husband has been struggling with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. He can’t get an erection even when I give him a blow job. We’ve only had sex 2x in the past 2 months and even then, he didn’t last a full minute. He has been in denial and has been refusing to see a doctor at this time. I know he feels embarrassed about this whole situation but his denial is only making things worse. He tells me that I am pressuring him or that I am making a big deal out of this situation. The lack of sexual intimacy is pulling us apart. I am so overwhelmed by all these emotions and feel fearful that I will not be strong enough to live in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. I feel such a strong and intense desire to have hot sex that my mind has also been wandering and I have started to fantasize about having sex with other men.

    I’ve been tempted to think that my marriage is beyond repair but God has been telling me to just wait on Him (Prov 20:22). I pray that we may both find comfort and hope in our savior. God bless.

    – BlueBee

    “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” ( 2 Cor 4:8-9)

    • Seeking Passion says:

      Hi BlueBee,

      It is hard, especially when reading these passionate stories and you are hornier than ever. Part of me wanted to give up on my marriage, but the truth is that I couldn’t. I love my husband to much to walk away. We have been together 12 years this August and married for 9 years this October. Plus, I don’t want anybody else between my legs but my husband. Find something about your husband that brings you comfort. For instance, I love the way my husband smells. I find myself in the closet sniffing his clothes all the time; I find comfort in his aroma.

      Lately though we have been communicating really well with one another and I even came to some awakening about myself about how we actually ended up in this situation (Not saying that you done something to end up in your situation).

      We aren’t where we want to be but we are heading in the right direction with God’s help, a lot of praying, and clear communication. A change is coming just hold on and be patient. Keep praying and I will pray for you and your marriage as well. Just don’t give up on your husband and your marriage.

  13. Lovinghusband says:

    I want you to know that I prayed for you and your husband! Keep clinging to the Scriptures – and meditating on them. My heart goes out to you!

  14. JazzdBoutH&N says:

    For you ladies that say your husband cannot get an erection or sustain it, there may be some other issues at play that affect his overall health, not just his sex life.

    1) Testosterone. Fickle stuff our man juice. If it’s low, there are a plethora of symptoms with sexual desire and erectile issues being a small part. I’ve gone through it. Life was not worth living. It SUCKED!

    2) Vitamin B12 deficiency. Look into this as well as testosterone. Both have about the same symptoms. I had both. Life REALLY SUCKED!

    3) The one you don’t want to find out about; Pornography and/or Excessive Masturbation. After a while, only the stimulus from the porn will get a rise. There’s also a medical condition that excessive masturbation can cause erectile dysfunction as the hand gripping the penis will damage the cones that hold the blood which makes the penis hard and stay hard.

    I’m no doctor, but as a guy with both low testosterone and B12, and a former porn junkie, all three can have devastating effects on an erection.

  15. JazzdBoutH&N says:

    By the way, as far as just a man’s health goes, men with low testosterone and B12 have a tendency to get very depressed. I got to where I didn’t care about ANYTHING. My life went to hell.

    If you notice signs of depression in your man, and he has erection problems, don’t take no for an answer. Get him a blood test. Not only may it save his sex life, it may save his mortal life.

    If he insists he doesn’t need a doctor, you may have a porn problem. I say that because if a man can’t get an erection and isn’t willing to see a doctor about it, he probably knows why already. He doesn’t need a doctor telling him all his “stuff” is normal. That will raise red flags. So not seeing a doctor is, in fact, a red flag.

  16. Geddy says:

    I am sorry that you are having to go through this. In my last relationship my partner of 26 years we had sex every day five times a day. I was so use to this and then the sex started to go down from every day to once a month. We found out he had high blood pressure and after several different types of medication, his sex drive started to go back up. I really know what you are going through and I will pray for you both

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