Voices

I hear their voices…

I always have and I’m not sure they’ll ever actually quiet down completely.

 

Another young man told me about these voices when my own voice was still very little.  He told me what they had to offer and where to find them.

 

They tell me promises.  Secrets.  Lies.

They make it all look so tantalizing.  So deliciously forbidden but mine for the taking.

“Everyone’s doing it.”

“Don’t you want to get a little more experience?”

“They like that way!”

“It’s really easy…”

“It’ll be fun.”

 

Lies.  They try to entice me and when that fails they hurl insults.

“You can’t measure up ‘Little Dick.’”

“What do they want with someone like you?”

“You’ve only been with one woman your entire life?” They laugh.

“You’re not man enough to handle them anyways…”

 

They hurt…they cut deep, even though they’re all not true.

These voices—they’re young, old, perky, baggy, curvy, obese, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, innocent and downright filthy.  It doesn’t matter…they all talk to me.

 

They ask the questions they ask any other man but for some those voices are louder than others. For me, they scream until I’m shaking with anxiety.

 

Now I’m in a really bad place.

They come and tell me they can help.

“Just once, you’ll feel better.”

“Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself.”

“It’s not a big deal…”

 

So I fall.

 

That’s when they finally silence themselves.

I’m lost but they say nothing…

I did what they told me to do.

Nothing.

I don’t feel any better. The euphoria only lasted for a second.

Not a word.

 

Days, weeks, sometimes even a month or two can pass and then they begin to speak again.

Calling me back like a long lost lover.  And that’s an ache that we both want to be filled.

 

“No! Not this time! I’m done with you!” I scream defiantly.  They back off a little…

They persist, I continue to tell them no again but the sound of those voices are getting so heavy. My ‘no’ isn’t that strong.

They chuckle.

A couple of more of days and I’m almost submissive to them at this point. When I say no they laugh as if they’re dying from a hilarious joke.

And soon my own voice joins theirs in telling me that I’m already headed down that path, might as well embrace it.

 

So I do.

 

Cycle after cycle…is not there anything that can break it?

TV? Nope, they speak loudly there. Show after show, and even infomercials for their hotlines and websites.

 

Reading? They romanticize their words. They’re pretty and love is a powerful theme laced with unsated lust.

 

Exercise? Somehow they found a way to speak through painful physical exertion by way of less and tighter clothing.

 

Work? Even earning a paycheck has a few whispers here and there throughout the week…

The Bible? All it does is tell me to flee from these voices while some of the most prominent men succumbed to them. Only one was perfect and good, how do I measure up to that?

 

But in that lies my problem: Trading one addiction for another when Jesus came to make me addiction free.

 

A scratch, an itch.

A dark place that begins to strangle all hope and life out of me when I’ve been down there too long.

 

I’m dying…

 

But then I hear it.

Another voice pure in its intentions to only love me.

A soft voice that still is louder than all the others.

A voice that doesn’t condemn me or even fault me for being human. For being “a man” as some would say…

A voice that, even in my darkest moments, has followed me to that rank place to keep watch over me.

A voice made just for me and just for this issue.

A voice that through her, I can clearly hear Him.

 

I get lost in this voice. I melt in it. I feel this voice caress me, I drench myself in its love. This voice is intoxicating and sustains me. This voice can keep those other voices away by reminding me of one thing: Her voice is real.

 

I don’t know what I did to deserve this voice or why He sent this Muse to me, but when I focus on that voice all the other ones have no choice but to quiet down.

 

Maybe, just maybe, they’ll silence themselves forever and let this one voice continue to sing.

 

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Just something on my mind and heart that I wanted to share with you all.  I’ve been trying to curve my addiction by just writing more stories about monogamy.  But one day I just felt like writing down my thought process when I’m in this type of place.  Ultimately I know that God gave me a beautiful and strong wife that loves me and stays with me through everything.  But it doesn’t make battling a porn addiction that I’ve had since I was ten any easier.

I know a lot of us here found this site because we want to stay away from that stuff and I just felt like posting this to let everyone know you’re not alone.

To my MH family, thank you for being there to help curve the lust.