Behavior is Communication

[Editor’s Note: This submission is written in response to a previous post, “Advice Needed: Mature Sex“. But it can be applied more widely.]

The problems of unmet or unmatched sexual expectations are not uncommon, but the problem is not primarily sex. Without talking to your spouse there is no way of knowing why he or she is reluctant in the areas you spoke of, but I can say that the issues are more than sexual positions or masturbation.

The bedroom is often a good barometer of both the emotional health of the individual and the health of the marriage.

Behavior is communication, but the persons themselves have to interpret what it is they are saying. Many times it is not what you think it is.  It is very possible that your spouse is hearing something different than what you think your body-language is saying.

As I am writing these thoughts my focus is on our sexual communication in marriage.  Let us look at some of the non-verbal communications that we give and receive.

If I put my hand on my wife’s stomach while lying next to her and I just leave it there, it would probably just be a loving gesture without sexual innuendos.  If however I start moving my hand down her body towards her sweet spot, it clearly indicates sexual desire from my side.

But if she just lies there without any movement it most probably indicates a lack of desire on her side but if my hand starts moving down her body and she opens her legs even slightly or touches my hand and moves down with it, it would communicate her desire for me to continue (this just being one of numerous possibilities).

I think it is more difficult for men in general to ‘read‘ their wives’ reactions or the lack thereof.  Men, however, show their response much quicker due to the fact that they often get erections that cannot be hidden so easily.

Even two words like, “Oh yes.” or “That’s nice.” or even “Don’t stop.” can be all that is needed to tell your spouse that you are willing to play.  And this counts for both spouses.

A husband might respond with getting an erection but still not show any other response that would encourage his wife to continue her advances.  Men can be just as guilty of not responding, so do not in any way just put blame with the wife.

A continued lack of response to your lover’s initiations will cause him or her to retreat with a feeling of “I am not wanted.  There is no desire for me.”

Don’t kill the passion.  Come to the game.  Make it fun.  Think sexy.  Allow your mind to be aroused.  Invite your body to the party.

Sex is a wonderful gift from the heart of God that He created for our enjoyment. Enjoy it.  Invest in it. Develop it. Give attention to it.  Discuss it. Make time for it.  If it is not working, pray about it and ask Abba Father to help both of you with the wisdom and desire to glorify Him in your love-life.  Allow Him to heal your hurts and negative feelings about intimacy with your spouse.

 

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3 replies
  1. bighead says:

    I agree. Me and wifey are married for more than 2 years…. i tried to tell her initially that i need her in lingerie around me to be like a queen and vice versa for me to be ready for her…. with time, we went from zero to being able explore each other at any time…until last week when i asked her to get in bikini and go out with me for a surprise (story will be posted soon). Then 2 days back she went out in a revealing dress for me… she is shy but She agreed to it with a shawl on her both times though i did not mind but thats the way it is. You communicate verbally, physcially and sometimes text messages at office works for us?….

    Love our Time together….

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