Single Insecurities
Hey, MarriageHeat!
I’ve followed this site for awhile now and I want to thank you all so much. As a single woman who has never been with anyone and has some serious fears of intimacy, MarriageHeat has really allowed me to let go of those fears. I now see intimacy within marriage as a beautiful gift from God.
So I come to you begging for your help and reassurances. I’m starting to believe that I’ll never meet my future husband. I’m 28 years old. I’m lonely. I thought I would be married already. And if I am being completely honest, I just want to have sex. I’m tired of waiting. And there are no men that are even a blip on my radar. I’m starting to lose hope that I’ll ever meet someone.
But more than anything, I really desire to find a godly husband. Someone with whom I can connect on both an emotional and spiritual level. I want to meet my best friend, my only lover, and the godly leader of my heart.
So, MarriageHeat, please tell me it is not hopeless for me. I just need to know that God still has a plan to bring a man along. Should I still pray for him, or give up and get used to the fact that I will always be alone?
K_shea,
Keep the faith and be patient. Being with the wrong person is way worse than being alone. Men are boys for a long time in our society, which can be very frustrating to a mature Christian single woman. God’s way is always better. Don’t have sex with a boy who wants your body without commitment. Don’t marry a boy in hopes that he will grow up or that you will have to raise. Work on becoming the woman that will attract a mature man who is ready to be your spiritual leader. In the meantime, explore your body and get to know yourself. This will prepare you to teach your future husband to what your body best responds.
Yes continue praying for your future husband because he needs it. Society has been destroying Biblical men, women and marriage for decades, making many men feel it’s not worth the effort. As said above, strive to be the Biblical woman that God desires of His children. Remain faithful, God has a plan for your life.
Hey K_shea,
I agree with the others. Keep praying and expecting God to show up. But in addition to that, keep searching. Keep putting yourself in situations where you’ll be surrounded by godly, single men. So much of this is a numbers game. Do you live in an area with a good church where lots of young singles seek out community (often mega churches are good for this, despite being weird monstrosities in other ways)? Is there a Christian college nearby? Have you tried internet dating?
I really believe that if you put yourself out there (in the right ways) long enough, you will find someone compatible. We’ve seen it happen for many of our friends who were ready to give up.
Keep the faith. He could be just around the corner. But keep looking too. Read the story of Ruth and Boaz in scripture. There’s a woman who showed up, put herself in man’s way and got him to pursue her. Women don’t just have to passively wait for a guy to show up. There’s so much they can do.
Hope this is helpful. I’m sorry for your loneliness. It’s a hard place to be. Praying God brings you a husband.
Rich
You are to be applauded for your honesty! God has purpose and plans for us. Sometimes they surprise us! Cling to His faithfulness and trust Him!
In the meantime, do refrain from sexual intimacy with a man prior to marriage. I recommend you satisfy your sexual urge with self-pleasuring. My Anne and I waited years before we were married (college, etc.) and thankfully she and I had sorted out the issue of masturbation as a God-given delight. We are avid mastubators, though never at the expense of cumming together after we were married, and masturbation can be a release for you. Yes, you won’t have the intimacy of a soulmate until the day God blesses you with that right man, but you can satiate your sexual drive until that day. Masturbation also teaches you what works for you and that will be a huge benefit for you and your future husband. Even after 45 years of marriage, my Anne is a better lover due to her skill of learning how to bring herself to orgasm in creative ways, ways that she shares and guides me to bring her to ecstatic pleasure.
It's not hopeless, but you have to look. And he may come where or when you least expect it. God bless my dear, I wish you well.
I'm praying with you, k_shea, that our Lord is raising up a mighty man of God for you to join with and serve beside. And that the two of you will sharpen each other. But in the meanwhile, I pray that he will help you find guidance toward and contentment in the mission he has for you as an unmarried woman. Perhaps it is something you won't be able to continue well after marriage?
Good point, JJ. Sometimes we can get so focused on praying for *a* husband that we neglect to pray in faith for the man himself and the struggles and fears he also faces, though you may not know him yet. He may be feeling the same concerns about the future as you are right now. We can also pray that God prepare you to be the wife that man needs. Maybe he's praying for you, too?
Your prince charming is coming, he's probably just riding a turtle 🙂
Seriously though, God is never late. Be of good courage and have faith that God has put this desire in your heart for His purposes. Pray for your turtle riding future husband as though he has already arrived, because faith is counting as fact the things yet unseen.
Yes. Keep praying. He is out there looking for someone too! Maybe it's you!
I agree with Old Lover, I'm an avid masturbator and find it a great release. After all, the Bible doesn't mention it.
Don’t give up! This life is a test of patience and virtue. I’ve recently started to put my love life in God’s hands and I concluded that even if God doesn’t have a wife for me to meet on Earth, I believe that I will in Heaven. Believing that put a lot of weight off my heart, and I think it will for you as well.
Not sure there is Biblical support for that idea, but if not, I believe the unity that awaits us is even better than marriage.
K_shea – I'm not writing this just to answer your questions, but also to engage others. I also don't think it's healthy to hear just one side of an argument.
Your comments sound much like the typical subscriber to the evangelical influence. "Pray and let God drive the bus around." Or in your case, "Bring you a man." "I want my husband to be my best friend and/or complete me."
My wife and I are around these women, who sound just like you, daily. Matter of fact, two of our rent houses are occuppied by women who sound strikingly similar. God gave you a brain, legs, arms, communication devices etc. Get out there and go find it if that's what you want. You don't have to settle, but also know, chasing doesn't make you slutty. Being flirty, engaging in limited sexuality and having fun isn't Biblically immoral.
If all you're doing is sitting around, waiting and praying for God's "plan or purpose" to magically or "faithfully" appear, it could be a longer road than you think because your choice to not engage all the faculties at your disposal (including your brain) is leaving you sitting around like a victim. You start saying things to yourself like "no one chose me" or "God's not listening," "Doesn't love me" or "what's wrong with me."
What's truly wrong with this entire line of thinking is that it puts your completeness or happiness in the context of someone else. And the thing is, it destroys women and barely makes the radar for men. I agree with Art and Old Lover, find a bevy of sex toys and have fun.
Virginity is nothing more than a male or female who hasn't had intercourse. Without losing that state, you can experience some pretty wonderful orgasms and it can feel awfully close to the real thing, with the exception that you are physically alone.
God made you a sexual being and He expects you to be as complete an individual as possible going into a relationship. That doesn't mean screwing the next five guys you meet on Tinder, but in my opinion, it does imply a knowledge of one's sexual self.
If you engage that part of your solo life, it keep you from jumping into a relationship you shouldn't out of desperation. It's pretty awesome that God gave us that ability.
Wanna get a guy? Pray then use all the mental, physical and emotional faculties he gave you to get in the game. Wanna have some great orgasms in the meantime, read the stories on here naked, dildo in hand, and have fun.
I don't think K_shea meant to imply that she doesn't masturbate. I think she's looking for reassurance that God will still bring her a husband. Obviously, none of us know that. And I think that TexasCouple has a good point that putting yourself out there is part of the process of finding out the answer.
Advice I've offered in the past is that if you are doing the things you love and that are important to you, you are more likely to come into contact with people that share your values and desires. I think we err when we define ourselves by whom we are or are not with. That said, many of us long for a person with whom to share ourselves. Unity is part of what we are designed for, both with God and with each other. Marriage itself is described in the Bible as the image of the former relationship. But it's important that even that blessed union not become an idol to us.
I know, K_shea, that you long for reassurances. But none of us can really give them to you. All anyone can offer is friendship and support for your growth in Christ and as a person. Prepare yourself to be the person you want your husband to love. Heck, become the person YOU love. And get yourself out there, finding new ways to use your gifts, strengths and interests. That way you can find each other. Move forward and expect God to direct your path. One of my favorite quotes is: The rudder can't steer a boat that is dead in the water.
CHL…I've never heard that quote before, but it's perfect.
Thanks for the ‘catch’ about no mention of a lack of masturbation by K-shea to relive sexual tension, CHL. K-shea’s comment that, “. . . if I am being completely honest, I just want to have sex,” caught my attention. The encouragement to find relief in self-pleasuring is a way to ward off any temptation to satisfy that desire with anyone before marriage to a man that God wills for her. The hunch is that K-shea has a healthy view of masturbation as a God-given gift. (:
Already been mentioned, but they don't call bible college "bridal college" for nothing, so maybe think about getting enrolled.?
I do agree with people saying you should get yourself "out there". But sometimes a person just needs to relax and not try too hard, sometimes a person finds what their looking for when they aren't really looking, it just happens.
Beyond that, work on yourself and developing self confidence and becoming a complete individual. I believe the best marriages are when two already solid and complete people decide to join together in order to improve what is already good and make it great.
God bless you.
(A) That’s awesome that MH has been a help! Keep it up! Enjoy this time of self-discovery and stoking your sexual imagination! Maybe use some of that energy and turn it into fantasy writing — either as MH submissions or as a personal journal. I don’t know a single dude who doesn’t want their “dream girl” to be a sexual tigress. 😉
(B) One of the BEST places to meet godly like-minded people are at conferences and retreats. There are a LOT of Christian conferences on all types of topics (art, theology, technology, music, storytelling, missions, sports, etc). Yes it’s a bit of investment to do a conference like this, but you get your reward b/c it’s a topic you love. It’s a great chance to make new friends… and maybe even a “special someone” friend. Just giving you ideas on how to jump-start the search. [Also, most everyone who is 22 at these events are single. It’s a dime-a-dozen. So it’s actually a *benefit* to be in your late 20s or 30-something and still be single at conferences. Supply and demand!]
Dear k_shea, I believe that every single person can perfectly relate to the emotional turmoil, which plays out on the inside, that you refer to – at some point we all get to this place and have to learn to handle it in appropriate ways, in reliance upon Him and in accord with His guidance for us personally. The MH family has already shared some good, helpful tips, and I too wanna reassure you that you’re not at all in a hopeless place. It is through faith and patience that we inherit the promises of God. If God put a desire for a husband, a desire for marriage in your heart, then hold on to it in faith and do whatever you can do to stay patient within you, knowing and reminding yourself that what God has promised, He will bring to pass. Let the peace of God rule in your heart. Let it be your anchor in the waiting, in the faith-ing.
I’m 33 now and have been in this same place, that you feel stuck in, about 2 to 3 years ago. I had embarked on a journey of sexual awakening with God, learning His angle to it all, and He set me free from former misconceptions and He set a fire ablaze in me that was so hard to keep under control… in fact, as time went by, the fire pretty much ended up consuming me as I set out to pursue this desire for a husband… I drifted from His path. Thankfully, God has been so gracious to nix any opportunity for me to ever come close to a guy in the pursuit I was on – my mind was consumed by the fire and I’m pretty sure I would have fallen to the physical side way too easily. Where the mind goes, the man follows. I had sinned in my mind, and if it was not for God’s mercy on me, I most probably would have fallen to the physical as well, had I managed to meet a guy, whom I would have believed to be the one. About 1 and a half years ago, I have decided for myself to stop searching for a significant other – I’ve searched my soul and thought about whether I could still see myself being in a relationship, whether I could really see myself sharing intimacy and nakedness with another, and as I have made my personal decision, I have stopped all endeavors that I had engaged in to get to know a man, and as I took the pressure off myself, I found a peace in my heart and mind. Coincidentally, a few days ago, I felt anew that desire for a significant other, but I know better now – I’m still the same within… the process of dating is still so foreign to me, the concept of exposing and sharing one’s body feels weird to me,… I just need to remind myself of all these inner realities of mine to curb this desire anew and get my mind slowly away from it again. Please don’t feel discouraged in any way by what I just shared – I’ve embraced singleness as the probably right way for me, personally. Stay encouraged that God has a special someone just for you – keep praying, keep Him first place, and, yes, engage with people in your church community, or wherever your interests reside, in order to meet other singles. Do what you can do and rest assured that God will always do what you can’t do, as you rest in Him. All in His timing and His way. God bless!
I hear you
K_shea I'm a 27 year old single guy and still a virgin by choice.
I often feel exactly the same way you. It's almost like a wrote this post but with genders reversed (no joke).
There are two things i focus on when I feel lonely and desperate.
First, God knows exactly what he's doing and has me right where he wants me. If he wanted me married I'd be married. So i remember he's master of my life not myself.
Second; i remember that as much as a casual "hookup" or something similar would feel great in the moment i remember that my body is not solely mine but will one day belong to a wonderful woman and the mother of my children. With that in mind i safeguard it from strangers and friends alike untill i chose a partner and walk down the isle. "Cheesy and overly romantic? Maybe." But my standard is my standard because of God. You want my hands or my manhood on your body? You gotta say "i do." First or no fun for no one.?
Hope this helps…
Oh and as a side note.
All my married friends tell me, Loneliness is not fixed with a wife.
The only that can fill that is the Holy Spirit. Seek God's word daily to be filled with it.
I confess I'm terribly inconsistent with this. As soon as i stop seeking God through His word, the loneliness and by extension, sexual frustrations, start creeping in.
Don't see your sexual and emotional desires as the enemy, or even as something unnatural. God put them there for a reason and some day (maybe later than you expected) some strapping fellow will be honored to let you take out your frustration on him during your honeymoon.
Ps. He will be doing the same to you.?
I am a divorced guy, only divorced because my ex-wife has post traumatic stress syndrome from her past childhood sexual abuse. We have been trying and trying; did couples counseling 3 different times to no avail. She has now said she cannot be in any kind of romantic relationship and cannot stand the thought of ever having sex. She had been in therapy for 20 plus years. Like you, OP, I am very lonely and want to find someone to have a long term relationship with, a healthy-type relationship.
I'm in a very similar boat, I'm 26 and man. Honeslty some nights I Just wish I could talk to a woman and hear her voice as I talk about all these frustrations. Ive basically given up on ever finding anyone.