Karezza, An Interesting Proposal
So, I found something while doing some research on sex. I can honestly say this has changed my marriage. It’s called “Karezza”.
But first, a disclaimer. Perhaps you’re in a perfect marriage where your libidos match and you are knee deep in constant orgasms. Then, this may not be for you.
I’ve noticed something here at Marriage Heat. In many of the entries, the man has the biggest member ever and lasts for hours. Not only that, but the woman has the biggest breasts and is always wet and ready. If that’s your actual life, then you’ve won the lottery. Be blessed. This is not a criticism of you or those stories on this site. Someday, just for fun, I’m going to get around to writing a story. It will be about the husband with the less-than-average cock and PE and the wife whose kids have taken a toll on her figure. She only wants it occasionally, but they fully love each other anyway.
But, maybe, you don’t have the fantasy ideal. Maybe your marriage is complicated. There are deep-seated issues from your past. Well then, this may be for you. I encourage you to look into it. If you look at the stories on here and wonder why you don’t have what others seem to have, then I implore you to continue.
Background: My wife and I have been libido mismatched for the 18 years of our marriage. This is due to physical and emotional issues. One of the biggest issues was mental and sexual abuse by a member of her family early in her life.
We’ve had so many arguments, misunderstandings, guilt, and hostility. If there was a negative reaction to these events, we’ve had it and had to come back together and repair. Therapy and counseling were great for a while. But we still never seemed to come together without some mistrust floating around. I’d come on here and other sites, read the stories, take care of myself, and wonder why I couldn’t have what everyone else had. It wasn’t “fair”.
And then we found Karezza.
It was almost by accident. It was a chance sighting of a word I’d never seen before and I got curious. Karezza. I knew it was likely an Italian word and possibly meant “caress.” I was right about that. But, now, it was being used in relation to sex. I delved deeper.
Karezza is about connection. Sex itself gets shoved way back on the furthest back burner. What is paramount in Karezza is that pull, that magnetism. You remember it, don’t you? Remember when you were first with your partner, when you WEREN’T having sex? Remember how there were butterflies in your stomach. The world seemed brighter. They would walk into the room and you couldn’t help but smile.
Whew. Isn’t that what we miss? That feeling that you didn’t care where you were as long as they were right there beside you. It didn’t matter what you were doing at all. You just wanted to BE together. You would hold each other so tightly. So, what happened? Everyone these days says it’s because life goes on, you get familiar. And we all know what familiarity brings.
Not so, says Karezza. Because of it, I have experienced an absolute revitalization in my marriage. At first, I thought it was just me. But my wife has confirmed it every step of the way.
Karezza (from 18th century Italy to now) says that the problem is that we have made ejaculation our goal. Everything else in our relationships becomes secondary to the desire for the man to cum inside the woman. That’s the goal, that’s the whole point. It is the absolute pinnacle of what we are trying to achieve in marriage.
Media reinforces this through sitcoms, movies, music, and porn. It all says that’s the ideal, and if you aren’t getting it 2-3 times a week then you are doing it wrong. Even our dates or much-needed weekend getaways are preludes for the big act. We feel as if we have missed out if those don’t end in full on, grunting, panting, sweaty, nails-down-the-back sex.
But, what if the world is lying to us? As Christians, that shouldn’t come as a big surprise. What if we were made for something different? What if sex wasn’t the primary, secondary, or even tertiary goal? At this point, you’re likely having the same reaction I did at first. “Wait..what?! But…that’s the point?”
Karezza says that the primary thing must be connection. It details ways to connect with your partner in daily practices, as well as for intimate times. As a result, intimate times are also transformed. Before, one partner would try and convince, cajole, or seduce the other into sex. Now, intimate times become about non-sexual touching. Things like holding, snuggling, and hair stroking. But, avoiding that which might lead to sex. It’s not a fear of sex. Rather, it’s putting sex in its new proper place so that the connection can be established and grown.
As a survivor, my wife was always going to be skittish about sex. She has to feel safe to even begin to maybe, possibly, consider getting horny. We used to beat our individual selves up over all sorts of things, wondering what was wrong with us. Why, I asked, was I so adamant about sex when I knew it could hurt her? And she felt inadequate because she couldn’t be what I wanted.
But then we found Karezza. We committed to focusing on connection and being loving without sex being on the table at all. That has made such a difference, and not just in our relationship.
One of the most difficult tenants of Karezza for me was its insistence on the male not ejaculating. It was difficult because it challenged everything the world had told me. But I can testify that semen retention (a modern technical term that sounds too clinical) can change a man’s life. I’m more confident, less lazy, more clear-headed, and more connected with my wife as a result. You can do a search and find all the benefits enjoyed by millions. I was wholly surprised at how huge that part is and the results I saw.
We’ve modified it for our current situation. My Beloved still wants me to cum inside her and with her. So, our rule is that if we happen to fall into sex and she makes it clear it is her desire then it is ok. Other than that I do not masturbate. And again, that’s been life and mind-altering.
The Karezza ideal that we are heading for is penetrative sex without ejaculation. Why? Because after ejaculation have you ever noticed it’s over? The connection dissipates and you’re ready to get on with life? You feel irritable and drained, but not in a good way? There’s a book called “Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow” that explains the reasons for that in greater detail.
It’s a goal to be sure. I have much to learn and much control I would need before attempting that.
I’ve gone on far too long than what can be comfortably read, I’m sure. But, I couldn’t let this discovery go without sharing it. I want to nudge my brothers and sisters towards it if they are dissatisfied. There are plenty of online resources and free texts online. Check them out if this sounds at ALL interesting to you.
Pax,
RabKeth
My wife and I also practice Karezza. After I passed 60 i started to have dry orgasms. This allows us to couple for longer periods of time without being interrupted by an ejaculation. About five evenings per week we spend a long time together.
So glad I found more Karezza practitioners. 🙂 Thank you for commenting because it does make us feel less "weird". I was just telling my Beloved that I was looking forward to doing Karezza still in our 50s and beyond because we would likely be able to do just that…and without interruption by ejaculation or children.
Excellent research and you've basically identified the biggest problem that weaves it's way through most marital sex problems and that's the man's eagerness to ejaculate. We're going on 25 years next summer and I'd say we've chosen to make sex just that and it's from my wife's perspective. Her issues aside, she comes from a family that suppressed their feelings for each other, modeled by her parents, and I came from an opposite upbringing. We take the time, when afforded due to kids in the home and life in general, but we try to connect in many other ways. I'm interested in this information and is something we'll be discussing sometime as a way to deepen our connection. Thanks for posting!
It sounds like my wife and I come from very similar backgrounds compared to you and yours. I'm from a loud, upfront, "here's what I think" kind of family and hers was very suppressed. She found my passion for her frightening and somewhat threatening rather than what I thought of it as. Plowing on towards orgasm scared her and Karezza completely eliminates that fear. It's almost like a switch got flipped. Glad you liked the post. 🙂
Thank you so much for this. It’s great to hear a different perspective. I look forward to reading up on this.
You're welcome! Some of the reading can sound a little "hippie" at times; talking about energies and magnetism. Also some of the texts were written pre-1900s so to avoid obscenity laws they had to be vague. My favorite was the way they referred to a cock was: "The Man's Finger of Love". I died laughing at that. 🙂
Let me add a few more comments on our transition into Karezza. There is now less of a disconnect between sex and the rest of our marriage; they are much more continuous. We may discuss our grandchildren in the middle of sex, and I might get an erection during dinner at home while we are discussing a speech my wife gave.
We have changed our terminology for talking about sex. We now talk about frequent sacred sex as a Christian spiritual discipline in an age of sex scandals. It has become all about bonding. I regard marital sex as an interpersonal sacrament.
That's something I've noticed as well! We were talking about her hopes for the future with her new job and I felt that connection somehow and was a full erection in a public setting. It is so ridiculously spiritual. We've often talked about how it is one of those things where you step away from the cries and screams of the flesh and God rewards you with something so much better. I never understood the phrase "Making Love" in regards to sex. THIS is "Making Love". And yes, it DOES feel like a sacrament. You are so right on with that.
Rabketh,
I have never heard of Kareeza. It sounds wonderful. However, let me say that as far as Ben and I are concerned the connection we feel after his ejaculation doesn't dissipate. We continue to cuddle and stroke one another afterwards. If anything we feel a stronger connection with each other.
Also, believe me when I say that I definitely do not have " big breast ". I do have a high sex drive and love sex with my husband.
The size of a man's cock is irrelevant when it comes to loving monogamous marital sex. Yes, Ben is above average, but that does not make him a better man or lover than any other man. It is the love a man has for his wife. And the love and respect he has for his wife, children and the Lord that matters.
Every marriage is different. No one has the "perfect marriage ". If they do, then they are truly blessed.
I enjoyed this story and will definitely try and learn more about Kareeza.
Please do not take what I have said as an attack on you. It is definitely not my intention. You bring up some good points and I think will make couples look a little deeper into their relationship.
Thank you so much for sharing this and I look forward to more stories from you.
God bless you and yours. And stay horny!
Oh, I did not take that as an attack at all. Actually you were one of the people I was kind of worried that I might offend. Lol. Every marriage is beautifully, wonderfully, fearfully made different by us and God together.
My intention with the "Big Breasts and a Massive Cock" mention was only because so many times we can plug into a fantasy through what we write/read here and on more "worldly" sites. More than a few times I've thought "Why can't I have that? Lady X does that in the story. Why won't my wife? It's so easy for them, so why is it so hard for us? Man, apparently he can last for thirty minutes to an hour? What's wrong with me?". As a species we are prone to comparison. People who have that, GREAT. Awesome. I'm merely trying to say "If you're comparing, don't. The general "ideal" isn't the only satisfying thing out there." Comparison kills. That whole idea of "what am I missing out on" or "he/she would enjoy me more if I could just change this or convince myself to do this act".
For me Karezza shifts the focus to being so VERY grateful for what I have in my bed, in my arms, and drawing it closer and closer til we are one beyond just the physical. Its practices make me embrace the reality of my Beloved. It really has comparison-proofed our hearts in a way I can't write accurately. I got WAY caught up in what the world tells me is the ideal. And Karezza has totally turned me to what God says is the ideal (which you pointed out in a quite lovely fashion) and I'm very grateful to be free of those chains. 🙂 So this is very much for those who find themselves in those chains.
I know that I am still single so I don't have to be concerned yet but I have wondered if the size of my penis is considered to be on the small size and if it will be a disapointment to my future wife. I have chosen to just accept it as how God made me. But I have been curious if the size did matter some….?
Then on the female side, when I was younger I wanted a girl with "big breats" at one point but then I just stop caring. I know ladies have enough trouble with this as is with society and media then to worry about "real men" caring about it too. Besides, their breast, I like them regardless. I feel bad everytime I end up being drawn to them on a woman and end up staring… ?
Also, there is the comparison verse to think of in every element of our lives.
2 Corinthians 10:12 – For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
Jam777,
I didn't save myself for marriage, which I'm not proud of, but I can tell you that size doesn't matter. Do not worry about that. Also, I think some men like big breasts and some like big butts, that doesn't matter either. Just worry about finding a girl who loves Christ and it will be wonderful!
Rabketh, this irratable feeling after you orgasm seems to happen to my husband too, occationally. I never discussed it with him but sometimes when he's done, he's done. I just thought it was normal but it does make you feel sort of sad that it's just over. Most of the time we cuddle for a few minutes but normally, not that long. At least, I know this happens to other men, too.
This!
So, quick disclaimer first. Katie and I still love orgasmic sex and twice a week has worked well for us for a number of years.
However, we found a podcast that recommended Karezza a couple years ago and we decided to try it for a month.
Wow ?
You aren’t kidding when you talk about the butterflies returning—all that giddiness and tension and sweetness and affection. It was absolutely marvelous. And I’m thankful I got to experience it. Both of us are.
That being said, in the end it wasn’t completely for us. I didn’t notice any large health or mental health benefits, and both of us still wanted orgasmic sex. I’m also not sure we totally did it right. The times of cuddling and intimacy were incredible, but the dynamic in our relationship has always had an element of seduction and power trade play. Teasing is a huge part of Katie’s sexuality and some of our cuddle sessions inched their way towards the most delicious “edging” I’ve ever experienced. In the end, it was the trying not to cum or get aroused that pushed us both over the edge. The push, the pull, the chase though. Those things were magnified ten fold.
I still remember one evening holding her hand across the dinner table when we were alone and stroking each other’s fingers. Neither of us had cum for 3 weeks at that point and my confidence and desire for her were off the charts. My eyes radiated heat and I finally, in a matter of fact tone, told her in no uncertain terms all the things I wanted to do with her. The hand rubbing intensified as her foot found mine under the table. I was hard as a rock and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to know how wet she was. We talked about all of our desires and how bad we wanted each other. Still one of the hottest conversations of my life, and genuinely almost better than the average “real” sex.
In the end we took a lot away from that Karezza month that we’ve incorporated into our relationship—and it did change how I view masturbation and self-control. So, for that I’m grateful.
Thanks for sharing this, man. I think a lot of people may really benefit from trying it.
That sounds like a VERY familiar experience; the hand rubbing at a table. It gets called "magnetism" by many of the Karezza writers of old (like 1800s old) and when I first read it I thought, "What a stupid thing to call it". But, nope. That's what it felt like.
Karezza is definitely one of those things that kind of "finds its audience". For me, I can't imagine living without it. I've detailed other experiences and reasons above. For me it seems like everything God intended for marriages to be..but I'm also all about people taking the pieces that apply, mixing, matching, bits and parts. I totally respect that cause we are doing the same until we are ready to move to the next "level".
The view of masturbation you mentioned has been one of the most paradigm altering things about it for me as well. For me it wrecked me. Not everybody loses the connection when they ejaculate. Me, I feel irritable and almost sick. It's something that's just now being seriously studied by the medical community (called POIS; Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome). It didn't make me feel sicker than the orgasm was awesome so I just plowed ahead. And that led to the comparison game, led constant disconnect with my wife, and a whole host of things God doesn't want for my marriage. So glad I'm free of it. 🙂
That is so interesting Rab Keth, about the feeling sick and distant after orgasm! I feel like this post struck a chord with people and I’m glad you shared it. There’s gotta be so many others who could benefit from this method.
Nice story. Is this anything like Tantric sex? (No orgasm)
We slowly transitioned into Karezza over a period of a few years, as we discovered what we like. The key step was letting go of unneeded goals in sex. We made our babies, and we have had thousands of orgasms together. Now we share affections. About 3 out of 4 nights, when we are together, we spend 30, sometimes 40 minutes together. She slowly massages my penis, while I massage her breasts and labia. She goes into deep relaxation, as do I. Soon I have a massive erection, leading to a series of hard, dry orgasms. Then we penetrate, always face to face, usually holding the other's face in our hands, looking into each other's eyes. She only likes my semen as lubricant. She orgasms about once per week, with a series of 8 or 10, with only time to breathe in between.
When I first started reading stories on this website, I started getting discouraged during sex bc, in my mind, it wasn't as exciting as the stories. I finally realized these are the exciting stories couples have experienced, not every day Life. So the reality is somewhat different; never bad, just not always world series moments. No matter how great your marriage and sex are, there are no perfect marriages. Over the past year, I've been trying to pursue my husband more and I think what we've been practicing is Kareeza but I'm not sure. Is it intercourse without orgasms? Or just hugging skin to skin, things like that? Anyways, that's what we've been doing and its been wonderful! Even if we don't do anything our good night kisses are passionate. Just kissing passionately for a few minutes relaxes you and draws you closer. Thanks for sharing!
I agree! A loving approach to orgasm tease and denial can be very powerful. It can maintain sexual excitement for days and improve intimacy.
I would like to do this more often, but it takes work. It's 'easier' to just have orgasms and be satisfied for a time than it is to maintain the desire. When my love and I practice this kind of intimacy, I love how it pulls us together.