The Big Question

The Big Question – What Does He Want in the Bedroom?

Allow me to start off by saying that it is Godly for your husband to want sex. He was created that way. There is nothing wrong with him having a healthy sexual appetite. There is also nothing wrong with him if he enjoys it, if he wants to try new things, and if he wants to do it as often as possible.

But the big question is, “What does he want?”

I want to give a few answers from my male perspective. I am sure that the men and women reading this will be able to add other things. I would love to read them, so please do add to this list.

1. The most important thing is that he wants his wife to WANT him. There is nothing as good for a man’s ego as the fact that he feels desired by his wife. It gives him that Superman feeling. A man who knows that his wife actually wants him and desires to make love with him, feels as if he can conquer the world. If all the other points in this writing fall flat and this one remains, he will survive! I want to shout it from the rooftops: Ladies, Show Him That You Want Him!

2. He does not want to feel ‘serviced’ out of necessity. Sympathy sex is terrible. He hates to feel that she is just doing it to get it over so that she can carry on with her life. That is the ultimate death for a man. Often, when a man seeks sex with his wife, or tries to point out that sex is an issue in the marriage, there is not enough attention given to his voice. He is downplayed. Ignored. Or worse, ridiculed. He is made to feel ashamed for his healthy sexual desire. Yet, he is speaking about something and desiring something that is completely biblical. It is expected of him as a husband. He is not being unreasonable because he wants sex with the one person God has told him (Yes, commanded him!) to have sex with.

3. He wants his wife to come to the party. I am talking about her actually showing up. I do not want to feel that she is absent and busy with her shopping list while we are making love. I have never in my life been with a prostitute, but that must be what it feels like. I want her to take an active part in our lovemaking. I want her mind and emotions to make love to me and NOT just her body. To make your body available, but withhold your heart, enthusiasm and attention. Well, that is almost as painful as if you didn’t even offer your body. At least that’s what my feeling is about it. It would be more satisfying to masturbate alone.

4. He wants to experience that she is enjoying it. Men are inclined to see life as a competition or a challenge. I have really no pleasure in just having an orgasm. That is not what sex is about for me. I want my wife to enjoy it so much that all the neighbors must know my name. I want to hear her enjoyment. I love it if my wife gives me feedback during and after our times of lovemaking. I want to know how I can improve in what I do and how I can give her more pleasure. She needs to help me understand what is arousing for her. And I need to be willing to let her show and teach me.

5. He wants to be able to talk about sex. He wants to feel free to say what he wants. He also wants to hear about what his wife wants. He wants to tell her about stuff that he would like to try. Most wives can drive their husbands wild by whispering something naughty in his ear. We have a bottle with about 60 intimate questions about sex. It is a great way to open conversation to draw a card at least once a week and chat about the question. Here are a few examples – *Name one thing that really turns you on. *Please tell me about your favorite memory of us having sex. *Tell me about something you would like to try that we have not tried before. *How often would you like to have sex/make love? What is your ideal?

6. He wants variety. Here the adventurer comes out. “Let’s have sex in the garden.” “I dare you to make love to me with the curtains open.” Or “I want you to go out with me for dinner without a panty.” And another favorite “Let’s make love in the change rooms at the clothing store.” You can have your husband eating out of your hand if you come up with some of these wild ideas. Even if they do not actually happen. The fact that you would come up with such a wild idea will have him on edge for a week. Men are quite adventurous and become bored with same-old, same-old. Men want a wife that makes suggestions about new things to try or just being naughty in some way. That is a very exciting bonus for most husbands.

Allow me to end with this statement, “I believe most sexual struggles in marriages can be healed and redeemed and made into something amazing.”

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25 replies
  1. Fiftyfitfidelity says:

    Wow…were we married and I didn't know about it??? If I were to have to write out six things I'd like my wife to understand these six, in this order, would be the list. Uncanny and there's nothing worse than not being vested in the intimacy and treating it like a chore. We made great strides in most of these areas, and this article gives me great ideas for new winter conversations. Thank you so much for writing this!

    • ClimaXX says:

      I think one of the problems is that we try to understand women (and we have may jokes about our lack of success,) BUT it is seldom that men are studied to find out how we 'tick.' I hope this "story" will create some good talks between husbands and wives.

  2. willinghusband says:

    There is a lot of truth to that, especially in my wife and I's relationship. I think a great follow-up is "What does this look like?" My opinion:

    1. Knowing what he likes, and doing it.

    All men are visual, but all to different degrees. If he likes seeing you in lingerie, wear lingerie. Skimpy bikinis? Wear them (where appropriate, of course). If he enjoys watching you masturbate, then give him a video, or a live show. Does he love blow jobs? Surprise him with one at random times. This goes hand in hand with wanting him and being present during sex. Show him you desire to please him, you hear and know what he wants.

    2. To talk about sex, you have to think about sex.

    I am not going to minimize women's minds at all. Ladies, you have a lot on your plates. But, we want to know about you. If we are going to have a conversation, you need to be able to think about sex outside of these talks. Do you know what turns you on? Do you know how you like sex? Is there something you don't like that you wish we would do less of, or something you love that you want us to do more of? Have you ever had a sexual fantasy? Think about these things outside of when men bring it up. They say that men think too much about sex, and women think too little about it. Show your husband that this is important to you as well and be prepared to have these conversations.

    3. Be willing to initiate, but also be willing to be submissive

    Nothing will show a husband that you are into him like you ripping off his pants and taking him in your mouth. Or be waiting on him in lingerie, or something else stimulating. Be creative about how you initiate, too. At the same time, even if you do initiate, if he wants to take control of what happens, let him.

    I write all of this from experience of where my wife and I struggle. These are things I dream for my wife to do, or get to where she is in this place. We have sex, and regular sex. But it is all the same. I have told her my desires, my fantasies, and nothing happens that is not the norm. It is nearly the "sympathy" sex (she knows I need it, at a regular interval, and obliges, but that is as far as it goes). No effort given other than showing up. And yes, we have talked about it, but nothing happens other than a big fight, tears from her side, promises to change, and then nothing.

  3. ClimaXX says:

    Wow Willinghusband – Great response from you, but my heart bleeds for you. I wonder what it is that happens in the lives of wives at some stage that often changes them from these sex-loving, passionate, "Make Love To Me Please" girls to the cold and distant women that we sometimes end up with. Can it all be their fault, or are WE doing something VERY WRONG that creates this sleeping monster? It has been said that the most frequently type of sex in marriage is Doggy Style. He sits up and begs, and she rolls over and plays dead.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      For me, it was thinking that sex is what mattered to him rather than a relationship with me. See, the world, (and even our mothers, if they talked to us at all) says "Men need sex. You better give it to them or they will cheat or leave." But God says men need respect and women need love. Not that we don't both need it all! Jus that these are, speaking in generalities, the needs He created within us that we can fill in each other. Sex is *one element* in a relationship that can speak to and feed those hungers. But we've been made to think it's all about the man's needs, and so it becomes just one more burden, one more service, and one more way to fail when duty sex isn't enough.

      If you can be loving and romantic to your wife when you don't want sex (and tell her so! She won't believe you at first, so keep at it) and tell her how close and loving you feel toward her while and after you have sex, she might become a lot more interested and present. Tell her how being near her excites you, how hot she looks in those yoga pants. When it's just "Oh, I've got blue balls, we've gotta do it tonight," … Yeah, no. Then she feels like just a thing, not your beloved. Make it about what *she* does to you, how you long for *her*. Not how bad you need sex. (Not that we ladies should ignore this need! It is one way to fill the *respect* account, by acknowledging it as how you are made – and God doesn't make mistakes.)

      That doesn't mean sex can't get crazy, though! But first, help her enjoy it then want it. We didn't go from sexpot to cold fish fast, and we won't usually recover quickly either. But love means being in it for the long haul, right?

      Oh! And Vitamin b12. Seriously. You can't overdose and it is imperative for a healthy libido. I drink ZipFizz (not after noon or I can't sleep), but there are OTC supplements if you want to avoid caffeine. It's the energy vitamin, so maybe better to suggest it from that angle rather than, "Gee, honey, if you got more b12 you'd probably be better in the sack!" I DON'T recommend injections, due to the other ingredients and risk of infection.

      Sorry so long. You know me when I get to talking!

  4. Southernheat says:

    Crazy happy loved you are so correct. If they make us feel loved and wanted in every other area woman are more likely to be sexual. If husbands contribute around the house and just spend time with their wife’s talking and showing how much they love them. You can’t expect to ignore your wife and then just expect her to put out and enjoy it.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      You know, it's not even the helping out for me. Now, if I also worked outside the home just like him, yeah. But saying he appreciates what I do and not taking it for granted goes a long way. Telling me I'm a great mom, or saying thanks for finding his missing sock… You know, general appreciation is what does it for me. Hearing how glad he is that he married me is the best! I'm pretty sure that goes both ways, too. It can't hurt for him to hear how much I appreciate him investing his life to provide for us and still taking time to play with the kids and give me an occasional back rub or stay out late to go to Bible Study with me. These things fill his love tank and put me in a more appreciative and responsive state of mind.

  5. ClimaXX says:

    CrazyHappyLoved it is so wonderful to have a lady responding in such a positive way. Thank you very much. And the B12…..? Getting some tomorrow for sure. For myself and for my Jucey Lucy.

  6. Southernheat says:

    Well said Climaxx I don’t understand why a wife wouldn’t want sex with her husband all the time.i don’t understand why a wife would not realize how it feels to be rejected. Sometimes it’s because other things are broken in the relationship. Sometimes it’s a hormone imbalance keeping her uninterested. I guess in some cases it’s upbringing that it’s a duty not something to be enjoyed.
    I know Opposites attract and in our case I’m the one that has felt rejected off and on in our relationship. I love sex and have always had a much higher sex drive than my husband. When he didn’t feel like it and was tired from work, I would feel he didn’t want me. It led to arguments. Don’t get me wrong, we were having sex just not as much or as adventurous as I wanted.Then menopause came, and roles reversed temporarily until got my hormones back to normal. (I wrote a story on getting my groove back I think it was Great Sex after Menopause.) Now after 32 years together, he’s finally really understanding how important sex and intimacy is to me. It’s my love language: physical touch. So now he makes much more effort to please me even if he doesn’t finish. He will finger me or lick me or watch me pleasure myself (which usually changes his mind and he gets horny.) He has seen how much that has changed my entire outlook and how I feel about myself. I don’t feel bad about wanting it and feel rejected or like I have to beg. He finally understand it’s wonderful! We can still work on the adventurous side. He thinks since things have improved and the quality of sex is so incredible now that we don’t need to be as adventurous and daring at our age. I disagree, so I do everything I can to keep it spicy! Wish he would surprise me with some off the wall escapade! The way things have been going since finding the MH site, you never know. I just might get that surprise. I guess I need to share a fantasy and I’m sure he would fulfill it. I can’t get him to tell me any fantasy. He says he’s content and happy.

  7. Southernheat says:

    I think it does come down to the golden rule. Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. Don’t ever take them for granted. Men don’t get a lot of compliments like women compliment each other all the time. So it means a lot for them to hear such positive affirmations from their wife. "Honey, you’re looking good", "sweetie, you smell so good." Whistle when he walks by or slap his butt and tell him you want some of that. Tell him you appreciate how hard he works to take care of the family. Thank him for helping out. Thank him for his faithfulness after hearing of all the people whose marriages are struggling because the one of them strayed. Tell him he’s a good dad. Wives, build your husband up. Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church; he gave His life for it. That’s a pretty high standard, husbands. But if you love your wife with every ounce of your being, then how could she not reciprocate that love.
    I truly feel that I am loved by my husband, so how could I withhold anything from him. We are all a work in progress.

  8. RMD says:

    This is a great article. My darling wife is all of this, and I am so thankful to God that as I read, there was nothing for which my heart sighed because she is not that way with me. This is a second marriage for us both. She was a widow and I was divorced. We both longed for this kind of sexual love, and when God brought us together it was our dreams come alive. Waiting for marriage to enter into the marriage bed was harder than…well, you know what, but it was worth it. We are in our mid sixties and still like teenagers. At a hotel recently we made love rather loudly without realizing how loud we were. We were laughing as we were catching our breath about how people in the rooms on each side of us had to have heard, and my wife yelled, “And that’s how it’s done!”

  9. SexyBeasty says:

    Speaking for myself… I want to be wanted and often. I want new experiences and for sex to be fun and adventurous. Spontaneity is always welcomed. Having Bel in the right mind frame where she is not focused on anything else but enjoying pleasure and working towards positive “oneness.”

  10. Bjlove says:

    That’s the logic I find my man adheres to. If at anytime anyone of those mentioned he wants or wants to try, I never deny him. My man has a healthy appetite for sex, and so do I. If both of us are mutually happy to do anything, anytime, we go for it.

  11. seXcaliber says:

    Can’t stress those chemicals enough. When my wife hit the beginning of menopause her libido skyrocketed. Lucky me! But not long after, mine plummeted.

    We spent years having ups and downs in our relationship so that was a part of it. But the biggest thing was hormones, vitamins, and medications.

    I had low T and was on an antidepressant. Both killed my libido. Not to mention I have SADD so winter kills my mood.

    It took over a year to find a doctor who would work with me and also admit that my T levels were low (even when the lab called them “normal”).

    B12 is great but if you have low absorption, you’ll need the injection even if you take massive amounts orally.

    For men you need a free testosterone of 600-800 minimum to really feel yourself and if your D is too low you can still feel depressed and/or anxious. Both bad for sex.

    Work with a naturopathic dr or an osteopath. They will diagnose your body as a system and not be too focused on one symptom.

    God bless. And remember sex is physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual. If any of those is off it can hinder great sex and a great relationship.

  12. SecondMarge says:

    If studies are right, men want sex 2 to 3 times a week. Women about the same a month. I wanted sex frequently during my first marriage, maybe because I was much younger. As the old saying goes men are easy to please sexually, women are a puzzle. I found the list interesting but one for women might be more complicated and compelling. Just as the things women have sexual fantasies about are very different then men’s. Unfortunately most groups that study such things do not limit themselves to monogamous married sex so we can’t go to them for answers. In that way articles like this one and this place are helpful.

  13. Bjlove says:

    @SecondMarge: [I agree that a similar question for women would be interesting.] Like you, when younger I enjoyed good stuff, adventures and high-flying sex. As I am now a bit older, in my 30’s, I have become more “dirty”, experimenting with pushing boundaries, hot sex, and anything that will make me horny. I am always horny. I am still, as my husband says, just as joyful. To him, I am the best cock-sucker in the world. That’s one thing I’m an expert at and by the same token, like my pussy attended to with his mouth. So these days about 70% will be oral sex, 25% Normal / Kinky sex and the other 5% masturbating and anal sex.

    • Rcthom55 says:

      I’ll bet MH readers would like hear some of your adventures and love of cocksucking.

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