There's been a lot of chatting lately about sharing fantasies. Since fantasy is a part of our sex life - and that of many other couples on MH, judging from the comments - I thought I'd try my hand at opening a discussion of the subject. The purpose of the site is to celebrate hot married sex, right? So what is "in bounds" for you regarding fantasies shared between spouses?
The way Rez and I see it, the ability to share our fantasies with one another without fear of judgment or rejection is a significant part of how we love one another. Now, I think it's important here to draw a distinction between fantasy and desires. I might fantasize about many things, but that doesn't mean I want to pursue them. While I would never call it an "advantage," the experiences of our past at least taught us that God's plan for sex within marriage is the only one to follow. Where once we followed our desires, now we choose His will above our own or even our partner's. But within that will, anything goes! And that, at least for us, includes our fantasies. It's one way we incorporate novelty on occasion without hurting each other or, we believe, displeasing our Lord.
This is a fairly new development, I admit. For a long time, I feared that fantasizing about things I had once engaged in would make me want to do them again. And I thought that letting my mind dwell with pleasure on such acts - beautiful ones in my estimation, but not what God wants us to do - was disloyal of me. But there came a time in our relationship where we began to open up to each other about what turns us on.
It wasn't easy! As much as we love each other, there were still thoughts like: What will he/she think of me? Will knowing that I think about things like this hurt him/her? Will talking about these fantasies lead either of us to pursue them in real life? But with much open discussion, we learned that while God had changed our wills, he hadn't necessarily changed our tastes! We came to the conclusion that our pasts were not going to control our future, that we accepted each other as we are, and that we could use our fantasies to increase the pleasure we experience with each other. They express ideas that heat up our libidos. They aren't things we want to actually happen. Some are so fantastical that they never could!
That's not to say there are no concerns! For instance, there have been times when our fantasy talk led to me seeking out written or audiovisual stimulation involving those same actions. The problem with that - for me - is such stories are usually written as if it's really taking place and not from a Christian viewpoint of "play-pretend only". (Even worse is seeing people actually doing it, which I feel should grieve my heart rather than titillate me.) So I've learned to be on guard against that urge. Discovering my own weaknesses and learning how to grow stronger and protect myself against them is a HUGE part of being able to enjoy those fantasies with my husband. I think it's part of growing in general.
I guess another concern would be if either of us were dependant upon fantasy to be able to be aroused. As Paul said, "All things are lawful for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything." At the point a fantasy or kink becomes a fetish, I've come under its control. But neither of us wants to engage in fantasy talk every time we have sex. Lovemaking, focusing on each other, being in the moment and connecting emotionally, is still the norm for us. Not to say that should be the measuring stick for every relationship.
Of course, the most important thing - the guiding principle of life for all Christians - is love. If ever a fantasy of mine were hurtful to my husband then I would find something to replace it when it popped into my head. The same goes for thoughts that harm my opinion of myself. If something makes me feel bad then I'd be wrong to go against my own conscience, even if God hasn't said not to do it. "All things are lawful, but not all things build up." But, to be honest, there isn't very much that I would feel bad fantasizing about, as long as my husband is part of the story (or neither of us. Sometimes I tell him a fictional story about "others".) For me, that's the key: that our imaginations are engaged with each other and seeking each other's pleasure - not just our own.
Telling you guys about those fantasies, however, might prove more problematic. I love and trust my husband and we agree to share non-judgementally. Maybe I shouldn't care too much about what you all think of me, but the fact is, I do. Also, would my telling you about one of our hot fantasies cause you to go against your conscience or feel discontent with your marriage or spouse if you don't have that kind of relationship? Still, I believe we are all responsible for how we respond to the influences around us. Sharing about our sex lives here is something we do to encourage each other toward oneness, right?
I like reading the role-play stories you all have submitted to MH because they are always clearly make-believe between a husband and wife. Reading about the words some say to play out kinky scenes is always a turn on, too. I've even adopted some of them! And it's clear from comments that many people's turn-ons are as kinky as ours. Maybe there is a way to make occasional stories of that kind available. I'm sure there are readers who might benefit from examples of how to keep the marriage bed both hot and pure, while still indulging each other's imagination sometimes. I mean, if it's told right, anyone should be able to tell when we are coming to them from Fantasy Land!
What are your thoughts about fantasy in married sex stories? Comment below.