Fantasy Land

There's been a lot of chatting lately about sharing fantasies. Since fantasy is a part of our sex life - and that of many other couples on MH, judging from the comments - I thought I'd try my hand at opening a discussion of the subject. The purpose of the site is to celebrate hot married sex, right? So what is "in bounds" for you regarding fantasies shared between spouses?

The way Rez and I see it, the ability to share our fantasies with one another without fear of judgment or rejection is a significant part of how we love one another. Now, I think it's important here to draw a distinction between fantasy and desires. I might fantasize about many things, but that doesn't mean I want to pursue them. While I would never call it an "advantage," the experiences of our past at least taught us that God's plan for sex within marriage is the only one to follow. Where once we followed our desires, now we choose His will above our own or even our partner's. But within that will, anything goes! And that, at least for us, includes our fantasies. It's one way we incorporate novelty on occasion without hurting each other or, we believe, displeasing our Lord.

This is a fairly new development, I admit. For a long time, I feared that fantasizing about things I had once engaged in would make me want to do them again. And I thought that letting my mind dwell with pleasure on such acts - beautiful ones in my estimation, but not what God wants us to do - was disloyal of me. But there came a time in our relationship where we began to open up to each other about what turns us on.

It wasn't easy! As much as we love each other, there were still thoughts like: What will he/she think of me? Will knowing that I think about things like this hurt him/her? Will talking about these fantasies lead either of us to pursue them in real life? But with much open discussion, we learned that while God had changed our wills, he hadn't necessarily changed our tastes! We came to the conclusion that our pasts were not going to control our future, that we accepted each other as we are, and that we could use our fantasies to increase the pleasure we experience with each other. They express ideas that heat up our libidos. They aren't things we want to actually happen. Some are so fantastical that they never could!

That's not to say there are no concerns! For instance, there have been times when our fantasy talk led to me seeking out written or audiovisual stimulation involving those same actions. The problem with that - for me - is such stories are usually written as if it's really taking place and not from a Christian viewpoint of "play-pretend only". (Even worse is seeing people actually doing it, which I feel should grieve my heart rather than titillate me.) So I've learned to be on guard against that urge. Discovering my own weaknesses and learning how to grow stronger and protect myself against them is a HUGE part of being able to enjoy those fantasies with my husband. I think it's part of growing in general.

I guess another concern would be if either of us were dependant upon fantasy to be able to be aroused. As Paul said, "All things are lawful for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything." At the point a fantasy or kink becomes a fetish, I've come under its control. But neither of us wants to engage in fantasy talk every time we have sex. Lovemaking, focusing on each other, being in the moment and connecting emotionally, is still the norm for us. Not to say that should be the measuring stick for every relationship.

Of course, the most important thing - the guiding principle of life for all Christians - is love. If ever a fantasy of mine were hurtful to my husband then I would find something to replace it when it popped into my head. The same goes for thoughts that harm my opinion of myself. If something makes me feel bad then I'd be wrong to go against my own conscience, even if God hasn't said not to do it. "All things are lawful, but not all things build up." But, to be honest, there isn't very much that I would feel bad fantasizing about, as long as my husband is part of the story (or neither of us. Sometimes I tell him a fictional story about "others".) For me, that's the key: that our imaginations are engaged with each other and seeking each other's pleasure - not just our own.

Telling you guys about those fantasies, however, might prove more problematic. I love and trust my husband and we agree to share non-judgementally. Maybe I shouldn't care too much about what you all think of me, but the fact is, I do. Also, would my telling you about one of our hot fantasies cause you to go against your conscience or feel discontent with your marriage or spouse if you don't have that kind of relationship? Still, I believe we are all responsible for how we respond to the influences around us. Sharing about our sex lives here is something we do to encourage each other toward oneness, right?

I like reading the role-play stories you all have submitted to MH because they are always clearly make-believe between a husband and wife. Reading about the words some say to play out kinky scenes is always a turn on, too. I've even adopted some of them! And it's clear from comments that many people's turn-ons are as kinky as ours.  Maybe there is a way to make occasional stories of that kind available. I'm sure there are readers who might benefit from examples of how to keep the marriage bed both hot and pure, while still indulging each other's imagination sometimes. I mean, if it's told right, anyone should be able to tell when we are coming to them from Fantasy Land!

How do you feel about the stories on MH that describe fantasies of acts that would be disobedient if actually pursued? (Select all that apply.)

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What are your thoughts about fantasy in married sex stories? Comment below.

4.54 avg. rating (89% score) - 13 votes
44 replies
  1. Dale3 says:

    MH is a really GREAT place....I would think that the 'Fantasy' would fade from your mind, eventually, yes ?? I think substituting your spouse in the place of the Fantasy player would be a great turn on....For instance, if she didn't like great outdoors sex, and in the fantasy, she did, it might be a great turn on to play it out in your mind. If I imagine my spouse enjoying it, We win, and if it opens her mind to trying it, We win !!...I wouldn't fantasize about other women, cuz she could fantasize about other dudes, and even fantasy dudes are better hung than me!!! I lost my wife last year, so fantasy is a big part of my life right now.... Please keep up the good work, and willingness to be open-minded about all these things !! Dale3

  2. Stag-on-a-hill says:

    These are great questions. My experience of sharing fantasies with my wife is that I have written them down as long stories starring my wife... and then presented them to her. Usually they involve lots of nudity, overall tans, revealing clothes, etc, in daring or semi public places. She would never do half of those things, but it has been a great way for her to get to know me, and has led to her trying some new things. I have written several stories now and I’d like to continue. I’d love her to join in with telling fantasies one day.

  3. Old Lover says:

    Role-playing does nothing for me/us (not that it’s wrong for some married folks as long as it’s not hurtful or disagreable or dishonoring).

    Fantasizing about my Anne - things we’ve done, do, or might do - happens all the time, particularly when I masturbate. Fantasizing about other people or imaginary people is a ‘no go’ for me/us.

  4. SecondMarge says:

    You did such an amazing job bringing up the aspects of the topic. I think people forget that their “beliefs” based on “their interpretation” of what “they think” are Gods rules for sex. But their beliefs are only that. MH opens up topics that some of us at one point felt were “wrong”. My own views have changed immensely over the years. My first marriage had very strict rules. Then a nearly two year funk of depression after he died with no sex or desire for it. Then friends brought me back to the living and I never regret anything we did. My husband loves me to talk about those experiences. I would never hide anything I did from my husband nor feel shame or the need to ask forgiveness.
    I also understand those that think everything but their marriage bed is wrong. And those that are easily tempted. And those that easily become addicted. So I can understand labeling stories. Our beliefs revolve around honesty with each other. I never fear revealing anything to him. He feels the same. Hiding things from each other or ourselves is a lie. Pretending some “naughty” fantasies don’t turn us on is a lie.
    As far as the biblical right or wrong we could find 10 scholars on every side of all the issues who could quote chapter and verse to support their opinion. Whether that issue is anal sex or a fantasy involving another person or couple. I understand MH drawing a line in the sand. But maybe labeling stories will make it easier.

  5. hornyGG says:

    Great post! Fantasies are a part of the human psyche and sexuality. The brain is the largest sex organ so as sexual creatures we use fantasies to stimulate the sexual response. ( If that makes any sense).
    Ben and I often share our fantasies and some we act out in role play. Fantasies play a huge part of our sexual growth, such as during masturbation.
    Ben and I love and trust one another whole heartedly and not every fantasy works for both of us. But we do not judge each other for having said fantasies.
    I agree with the labeling concept. As Christians we each must determine what is comfortable and right for our own conscience, yet not judge or criticize someone for having a fantasy that we may or may not agree with.
    Marriage Heat is doing a fabulous job at walking a difficult edge and always have. I am proud and blessed to be a member.
    Thank you CHL for this post and God bless you always.
    As always, Stay Horny Ya'll!
    GG 😘💕

  6. Loves2bthelover says:

    Sharing fantasies can be great fun, but like so much else in relationships, it’s all about pacing, timing, and reading your spouse. When you get it right, it can lead to sex that burns the room down. Recently, I have been intrigued with my wife and her sexual fantasies. She recently got off to the story about a dressing room and mirrors, and she told me that she thought the excitement and danger of a stranger doing that (you’ll need to read the story) is hot. What a turn on for me to learn that about her! It doesn’t make me think she wants to go get with a stranger, but it does make me horny knowing that she fantasized about the scenario in the story. I find sharing our fantasies brings us closer together. It is literally an aspect of our lives that no one else will ever know.
    Fantasies can make sex fun and playful, especially when they aren’t bound by the restrictions of reality. We can fantasize about anything we want, including things that we only want in fantasy. No one fantasizes about having sex with their partner in their bedroom in the missionary position. For most of us, that is relatively easy to get, so we don’t need to fantasize about it. Instead, fantasy gives us the freedom to imagine and play without the consequences of it ever becoming a reality. And, quite frankly, many fantasies people would never want to become a reality anyways. Even when people act out fantasies by role-playing such scenes or engaging in power play/BDSM, it only looks non-consensual. Both partners understand that they are agreeing to these activities, and that they can stop at any time. Fantasy gives us all the good parts, without any of the stuff we don’t want. We all have lots of non-sexual fantasies too, most of which make for a pleasant moment, but few plans: When I fantasize about moving to the Caribbean in the winter, I only think about drinking mojitos on the beach, not vacuuming the sand up afterwards. Fantasy has so much to do with imagination and current sexual drive. Letting your spouse into that sacred space is a huge blessing to both of you, but it has to be done without judgement or fear.
    Therefore, I would encourage you to let your imagination roam. You may be surprised where your fantasies take you. Just as your personality evolves over the years and decades, I would hope that your sexual fantasies evolve, too. You may also find it interesting to explore why certain fantasies turn you on, while others don’t. Are there patterns or themes across your fantasies? Do they tell you anything about your desires, personality, current life, or fears? Fantasies can be a lot of fun, but they can also be revealing. You may also find it intriguing to explore your partner’s mental playground. Where do your fantasies overlap? Do they turn you on for the same reasons — or different ones? Where do your fantasies diverge? Even if you totally can’t relate to one of your partner’s fantasies, can you understand why it might get them going? If not, ask them to explain more about why it turns them on — and which parts of it they kind of ignore so that the rest of the fantasy works.
    For my wife and I, we have recently started to discover more and more about each other in this way. It has been an incredible journey of intimacy and passionate sex. Some fantasies we act out for each other, while others we just talk about. Example of acting out: I often fantasize about walking in on my wife masturbating to erotic audio/visual material. Catching her in the act turns me on! She knows that I love this and she has made it a reality. Example of a fantasy we don’t act out but gets us horny: We were fucking in a closet at her parent’s house recently. Everyone was sleeping and we had to be quiet. In the middle of it, she told me to pretend that I am keeping her prisoner in this closet and she has to earn her freedom. HOT! Now, I would never actually keep her as a prisoner. Nor do I have a desire to. However, that fantasy was a turn on for both of us.
    Fantasies that would be illegal or disobedient if acted out are not wrong. They are just that- fantasies. I actually look forward to learning more about my wife in this way. I look forward to her learning more about the thoughts that turn me on as well.

  7. PatientPassion says:

    Thank you CHL for starting the conversation on this! I haven't spent as much time thinking about fantasies as I have about other areas of sex, but hopefully I can still contribute something. In my usual style, this turned out long, but I hope you can follow my thought process!

    My views on fantasies have been evolving, and I'm not sure I have a consistent guiding principle just yet. Not too long ago I drew a tentative line to exclude fantasies that involve a third person or homosexual activities, because in the real world, those are ALWAYS wrong, regardless of context. However, I was (and still am) comfortable with most one-man-one-woman fantasies, even if they involve an unmarried scenario. All those fantasies would be sinful if acted out, so why am I comfortable with some and not others? I'm still working through that problem myself.

    More recently as my thoughts and views have evolved, I've had some story ideas that involve fantasies of one-on-one unmarried sex, and also ones involving more than two people.

    Here's an example: I'm into kinky and moderate BDSM stuff, so I had a fiction/fantasy story idea where the wife takes control as the dominant partner, ties up another woman, then controls her husband and makes him have sex with that other woman. In little pieces throughout the story, it's revealed to the husband (and reader) that the "other woman" is really just an elaborate illusion, made with cleverly arranged sex toys and maintained with a blindfold on the husband. A roleplay like that is something I think I could do with my future wife in good conscience, if she's comfortable with it.

    However, there is a catch here. I'm mostly comfortable with the idea of some fantasized "other person" involved, as long as they are really just a shallow, vague persona. I'm NOT comfortable if that persona becomes too lifelike. When certain factors are added in that make this "other person" seem more like a real person with emotions and a soul, it might feel like I'm being unfaithful to my wife on an emotional level, even if I'm light years away from being unfaithful on a physical level.

    Obviously this is a very subjective standard, and not something I would hold others to. The most objective and reasonable standard I can think of is "no fantasizing about anything that would be a sin in real life." That has some appeal to me, and it may or may not end up being the right standard for me, but I want to dig deeper.

    We know from the Bible and scientific research that sex is not just physical; it deeply involves our emotions, mind, and spirit as well. When we have sex, it involves all of those things, not just our bodies. The physical act cannot be separated from the emotional, mental and spiritual ramifications that come with it, such as bonding, which occurs at all levels including emotionally and physiologically. Compare that to a fantasy where the physical act is only pretended. I would argue that the deeper consequences can, but do not necessarily, come with that pretended act. This is especially true if there is no desire, willingness, or attempt to act it out in reality.

    While there is a multitude of factors involved, I think this means it is theoretically possible to imagine a physical act separately from things that may trigger the non-physical consequences, and therefore fantasize in a non-sinful way. However, because sex is something we experience with our whole being, it may be difficult for some people to make that separation in their heart and mind. I think I personally run into a hangup in this area due to my personality. I am fiercely loyal by nature, so the slightest idea of being unfaithful to my future wife--physically, emotionally or otherwise--destroys a fantasy for me. This means I have to carefully frame and regulate my fantasies to avoid anything like that. Fortunately, I have ways of mentally framing things so they fit with my moral compass.

    This particular framework is pretty far out there, but maybe it will help illustrate the point. I've thought of writing a fantasy [as in speculative fiction] story series involving a sort of simulation where sexual fantasies could be given more believable form. For example, in a simulation, two women could have sex with one man, but it's actually a case of the man's wife controlling both female bodies, so they are really both her. This means there are three bodies, but only two people involved and they're married, so there's no infidelity. This could apply to homosexual encounters too, where it's really a form of masturbation because you're having sex with yourself, but I'm not fully comfortable with that idea yet. Of course, there are tons of other bizarre fantasies that could take place in a simulation, such as body swaps, body modifications and more, but I think that gets too detailed for this discussion.

    As I've considered this issue, I developed another idea for creating intense fantasies where I could still feel like I am staying true to my wife: I could project my wife's mind, soul, and her general being into whatever the fantasized object of desire is, even if that object has a different body and/or personality. In my mind, reinforcing the fact that it's still her, but she just looks and/or behaves differently, would put me at peace, because deep down it would still be her that I'm desiring and connecting with. Besides, bodies and personalities change over time in reality, sometimes significantly, which makes it feel all the more plausible. (This method does make it impossible to have fantasies that involve other real people, which may ruin the fantasy for some, but it's perfectly fine for me. I wouldn't feel right wanting anyone but my wife.)

    The simulation or projection ideas are just a couple of things I've thought of to make fantasies feel more right or more believable. But ultimately the fantasies are yours, so frame them however you feel is right!

    I'm not fully supportive of all of these ideas yet, even my own, but it's a start.

    As a brief note on using labels to identify fantasy stories like the (L) and (A) that we already have, I would support that idea. Personally, I would love to see more fantasy stories and get a taste of what other people think about sexually. On the other hand, I am a little concerned that newcomers to the site might see those kinds of stories and dismiss the rest of the site before digging in and understanding what we really stand for.

    If you were able to make it all the way through my rambling, I hope it was interesting and useful! 🙂

    • SecondMarge says:

      We all see these issues somewhat differently and no one should feel their opinions are wrong or they should have to change them. Sex can be only physical. It is when my husband uses a toy penis on me as if it was Joe who we see at the bank. Or if he imagines Judy from work is pleasing me with her tongue. Or if I have a cock in each hand or am sandwiched between a couple. The thoughts just get his blood boiling until he cums. No residual emotions, just physical pleasure. Watching another couple having sex, or them watching us. In your world you may or may not find these “activities” are wrong in real life. We choose to keep them in fantasy life but don’t judge those that actually do them as wrong. We all have different fantasies. To us, the only wrong is judging some as wrong. But MH has to draw the line at some point so I understand. I have read erotica at other sites and if it’s labeled, I avoid areas I don’t enjoy. Or if I start reading or watching and it goes in a direction that bothers me I stop and move on, concluding it’s not for me. Honestly very little erotica is well written enough for me to enjoy because I rarely find it believable. Even on MH.

    • PatientPassion says:

      I'm not so sure sex can ever be only physical. I think there are extra-physical effects of sex whether we realize it in the moment or not. I don't think that the extra-physical effects can be removed from the experience completely, but I think it might be possible to separate them from a fantasy and re-route them into reality. So while I wouldn't be comfortable with it myself, I think this could apply to the "Joe or Judy" scenario where that physical idea is imagined, but the inevitable emotions and desires that come with the experience are still focused on your spouse.

      On another note, I'm curious if this is partly why pornography is so dangerous, especially when viewed without a spouse present or in mind. Maybe such intense visual stimulation makes it difficult to keep your mind and heart separated from the scene playing out on screen, so it can begin to involve emotional and psychological factors that should be triggered only with your spouse. On the other hand, I think written erotica, especially from a Christian perspective, is easier to deal with in that regard. The sexual input isn't as intense, so perhaps it's easier to keep those non-physical reactions focused on a spouse instead of an actor or character.

  8. PacMan says:

    I would venture to guess that no one has any concerns about fantasies that are just hot monogamy within marriage. The whole conversation revolves around the idea of more “sinful” activities (e.g. affairs, threesomes, group masturbation, etc). And the bigger question is, “Is it actually sinful to think about these taboo scenarios (fantasy) even if no actual action is taken in reality?”

    The comments above (and the survey results) show that there’s a wide spectrum where people land... so I’m going to offer an idea on how MH might consider moving forward.

    • All fantasy stories that are “moral” (husband-wife only) continue to get posted (per normal) on main MH site, and don’t need to be marked.

    • All “immoral” fantasy that isn’t clearly marked as fantasy is not permitted. Just writing a threesome story for the fun of it (not even in the context of fantasy) would glorify the sinful choices.

    • All approved “immoral” fantasy that ultimately is serving and benefitting a hot monogamous marriage should be marked [maybe with (F) or (X)], and only gets published on the Ignite Site.

    • For some this is an added “benefit” for Ignite (even if those stories are shorter). And it keeps the more taboo stories amidst the more invested individuals of the site. It’s like keeping the alcohol in a locked cabinet instead of having liquor bottles scattered in every room of the house.

    [I’m not claiming these are the perfect ideas - and totally willing for folks to offer tweaks, edits, and new ideas. BUT I just wanted to help all these varied comments to start pointing to Next Steps for the site.]

    • PatientPassion says:

      I like these ideas, PacMan. I think you've properly defined the categories and how to treat them. Reserving (F)-labeled stories for Ignite might be a good way to keep from scaring off newcomers. If they're posted like regular stories, I might advise putting an extra warning or explanation at the beginning of the story too, in case the label in the title is missed or newcomers don't know what it means.

      For example, a story could be titled "Fantasy Story (F)" and have a brief note at the beginning saying something like "This story contains fantasy material that some may not find acceptable. Please do not read if this might bother you or cause you to stumble." While we're at it, the same could be applied to the other labels to strengthen them a bit. Just replace "fantasy material" in the message with "anal play" or "strong language."

  9. Loves2bthelover says:

    Since we are talking about standards in “fantasyland,” the standard for us is: Anything that you both are comfortable with, and doesn’t bring a physical third party in, is TOTALLY fine.

  10. Southernheat says:

    First of all thank you for this post and the deep thought that went into it.
    So many great comments. I will try to keep it short. Some fantasy is good. I’m still on the fence as to how far that should go in my own walk. I like what PacMan said maybe keeping those stories to the ignite section and labeling those that involved threesome type material for people that are invested in the site.
    You want to draw new people to the MH site. You want people who need help in their broken marriages to find MH. You don’t want first-time visitors to be turned off initially by some extreme fantasy story before they realize what this site is truly about.
    That’s just my take on it. MH keep up the good work. I pray for you as you make very critical decisions now and in the future.

    • PatientPassion says:

      SecondMarge, I wouldn't call it "extreme" either, but this discussion is something that pushes the boundaries somewhat, even for this very sex-positive community. Imagine what it might look like to someone who is just starting to come out of the sex-suppressed mindset that's too common in Christian communities today. Even if it feels normal to us, to them it might feel extreme enough that they abandon what could have been a valuable resource and inspiration for them. Regardless of whether or not these fantasy stories are actually okay, the real effect is the possibility of turning people away who really need help in this area. Perhaps it's a small risk, but I believe it's appropriate to be cautious and mindful.

  11. SecondMarge says:

    I can see the reasoning for Ignite. However, let me suggest an alternative since I don’t have Ignite. Put any “sinful”, even though we can disagree that they are sinful stories, in their own category that you only see if you search for that category. Never appearing on the front page. Maybe call it “Lust in my heart” or “Sinful Desires” then anyone seeing the topic would know what to expect. Allowing a wider audience for those stories. We do have swinger stories as a category which goes beyond what I am guessing is being suggested. The decision might differ if actual threesomes we have experienced versus only fantasies about threesomes were allowed. I imagine a list of topics would be the next decision to be made.

    • MarriageHeat says:

      It might be important to clear up that the Former Swingers category is about coming away from the lifestyle and the harm it caused, not glorifying it. Keep the good ideas coming, guys. We're listening.

  12. LovingHusband4Her says:

    I love you all. I’m early in marriage. I struggle with sex and have found peace in the Lord. Porn really has been stumbling block. MH was a light for me. Yes, sex is physical and fantasies are mental. Your Spirit receives all the actions you choose.

    Matthew 5:27
    27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; 28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.

    Personally, I won’t be able to support MH if it goes outside of marriage.

    • SecondMarge says:

      “Well, as it turns out, the Greek word usually translated “lust” in this passage (ἐπιθυμέω; epithumeô) is precisely the word for “covet” (Hebrew חמד) in the Tenth Command”

      “Strikingly, the nominal (noun-form) concept of “lust” or “desire” (even the sexual variety) is nowhere forbidden in Scripture, nor is it equated with sin—only the potential to sin: “Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then, when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin. And when sin is completed, it brings forth death” (James 1:14–15). Note that James clearly distinguishes between “lust” (that is, desire) at the stage of temptation and “sin,” which is the actual commission of an act.”

      This is how we get lost in translation and even Biblical scholars disagree on meanings of the Hebrew or Greek words. Or the intent. looking at a person and being sexually attracted was never meant to be considered a sin.

      That is why you can never win once you start debating the meaning of biblical passages. Drinking wine isn’t a bad thing; becoming a drunkard would be. Seeing an apple on your neighbor’s tree and thinking how sweet it must taste is not wrong. Stealing it and eating it would be.

      We can never all agree on what sex acts are wrong or even which God thinks are sinful. That is why I suggested a label to let us avoid ones that we find wrong.

  13. Been blessed says:

    I have followed this discussion with interest, to see where this subject of fantasy will end up. As is often the case when a solid question is asked and good healthy discussion follows, I think this question has answered itself through the input of readers. If stories will have to be labeled as "Immoral", or "Sinful Desires", or "Lust of the Heart", then I don't think they need to be published on a Christian monogamy website.

    I believe that Jesus' teachings show us that the matters of the heart are equally as important as those of the flesh. If we apply Jesus' teachings to the situation with David and Bathsheba, I believe he committed adultery with her twice; first when he saw her on the roof and fantasized about having her, and later when he actually took her to his bed.

    Personally, I am all for fantasy that stays between husband and wife; the hotter the better. But I think we cross the line when we bring another person into the marriage bed, whether real or imaginary. In my opinion we are better off to stay with the Marriage Heat tag line criteria: Hot. Christian. Monogamy. Those fantasies of threesomes, and homosexual and lesbian sex? Are they hot? Sure. Are they Christian? I don't think so. Are they monogamous? No.

    I tend to agree with LovingHusband4Her. I love my daily read of Marriage Heat, but I don't want to see it go outside of marriage. I would however like to see fantasy stories between husband and wife labeled with (F) so that we know upfront that this is a fantasy. I just think it would help to put the story in better context for the reader.

    Thank you, Marriage Heat admins, for the wonderful place you have created for wholesome discussion of Christian sex. I appreciate the prayerful consideration and concern you put into every decision for the site, and pray God's blessings and direction be yours as you navigate this issue as well.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Is fantasy involving a make-believe third person (not giving it the identity of a person in our life -- or even a celebrity) lusting for another, therefore non-monogamous? And how is that different from someone pretending to be a different person (teacher, doctor/nurse, maid, repairman, massuese...) for the fun of role-play? Clearly, we each have to make these distinctions for our own marriages, but do tales of such play-pretend violate MH standards, do you think? Or is it still monogamous as long as the only *real* person involved, actually or imaginatively, is our spouse?

      I'm curious whether you've seen the stories on MH that kind of flirted with this already? Like the wife who pretended to be the "other woman" and invited her hubby to her hotel room where his "wife" was waiting for them? Or the story about the wife who bought her husband a male masturbator shaped like a girl's rear entry and encouraged him to have sex with "her". Have those been problematic for any of you?

      (It is so hard to write so that I don't sound sarcastic. I'm not. I'm truly interested.)

      I tend to think that a non-real person isn't an "other" for whom I or my husband can lust (or covet). But I totally get other people choosing to draw their line more conservatively and sharing their reasons why as food for thought.

  14. Southernheat says:

    Good discussion about all this. In no scenario will everyone agree.
    I think the MH site is very hot and can stay that way without the need to add some of these things. It will be up to MH to know where the line should be drawn. Some fantasies are probably better shared with just our spouse no need to share with everyone.
    Thanks MH for giving everyone a voice for discussion.

  15. LilaY69 says:

    @Been blessed, I personally don't see how submissions of erotic fantasy therefore need to be labeled "immoral" or as "sinful desires." I may be going out on a limb here, but I think a majority of us couples here would disagree with the notion that it is "sinful" or "immoral" to have any or even certain fantasies with your spouse. Not saying that you necessarily made that determination. I believe it's clear that the idea of being "immoral" or "sinful" is contradictory to the MH approach... And I would hope all of us Believers?

    I would agree that "lust" is a sinful act, as the word tells us so. But you seem to be using the words "lust" and "fantasy" interchangeably, as if they're one in the same. It may just be that you brought up that which I think is a bad example for an argument against fantasizing in the general sense of the word. I do tend to agree with you that "fantasizing" about a real person that you know or have seen can be determined as "lusting" and therefore could be "immoral" or "sinful."

    You could easily make the argument that using explicit language and cuss words in or out of the bedroom is "immoral," but you could also easily make the determination that it's acceptable and not "immoral." Do all of us view it as acceptable, most specifically when used in the bedroom? I would say that it's subjectively similar to fantasies, at least for the most part. Does MH allow it and therefore see it as something that's acceptable? Yes. That's why I believe a tag like (F) similar to (A) for anal and (L) for language is needed for future submissions that are of fantasy. That way, all subjective matters like the kind of language being used, concerns regarding anal sex, and the type of fantasy can all be aimed toward the reader's preference.

    I feel we should let fantasizing be labeled just that, fantasizing. I also feel we need to be careful as to not offending other fellow believers by labeling a person's or couple's certain fantasy as being "immoral" or "sinful" when "fantasy" doesn't even have a basis in reality in the first place.

    • Been blessed says:

      Hi LilaY69, please note that I did not come up with those three terms at all. Those were labels that were offered by other readers as a means of identifying certain types of fantasy stories. The whole point of my post was not to label anyone's stories in any fashion, but simply to make the observation that if we need to label certain stories here with things like Immoral, Lust in the Heart, or Sinful Desires, then in my opinion they probably didn't need to be posted here.

      I believe the original question here was, where do you draw the line with fantasies in your marriage? I am all for fantasies between husband and wife as I stated, the hotter the better. But the line for us is where it involves another person. I used the David and Bathsheba example because it was to me a case of fantasy outside marriage co-mingled with lust that went very very wrong.

      Again, I was not trying to criticize anyone's writings or label anyone's writings in any way. I was making an observation based on the posts of others, and then expressing where the fantasy line is for us.

      Hope that helps clarify!

  16. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    What thoughtful responses! And it's interesting to see the results on the poll as well. But I have another related question? How would seeing stories about other couples' fantasies help your marriage in particular? Would it give you ideas to share with your spouse? Make you feel better knowing there are other Christians like you who imagine things together that they never want to really do? Or is it just a matter of bringing the heat by reading them together? Does the idea of being able to share your own fantasies with the community excite the two of you or feel like catharsis? Or, if you are against them, what harm do you think they could do to your marriage in particular? Disgust your spouse or create a divide between you if your opinions differ? Encourage him or her (or you) to seek those activities in real life? I'm interested in how we see this subject affecting our own marriages versus what we think the results would be for others.

    • Been blessed says:

      CHL the difference for us will always be the third person. Fantasies of activity between husband and wife are great. No matter who they pretend to be in role-play, they are still husband and wife, in bed, together.

      But to add a third person in the mix is where we draw the line. I understand that we are more conservative than many here, but as I understand Scripture Jesus placed just as much emphasis on sins of the heart as he did sins of the flesh.

      To me, fantasizing about seeing my wife with another man or woman or having another woman myself, is the same as desiring that in my heart. Even though we would never act on it, it would still be a sin of the heart for us.

      I agree such fantasies are exciting, daring, etc, but sin always is. If such thoughts begin to appear in my mind, those are thoughts that I need to take captive and turn into a different more wholesome direction.

      This is our personal conviction, and we do not criticize anyone who thinks differently.

    • SecondMarge says:

      I can’t imagine how coming across anything I find disgusting would harm our marriage or that of anyone’s that truly love each other. The news is full of disgusting behavior. If either of us reads something on MH or elsewhere that excites us we share it with the other. If we both enjoy it great, if not he is welcome to use it when he pleasures himself. I am so troubled to read of so many people in fear that a story or idea could ruin their marriage. Most negative things about sex have nothing to do with God or the Bible. You will go blind or to hell came from priests a thousand plus years after. Restrictions in the Bible were not to thought, but action. It is sad how evil people have polluted our mind against the great pleasure we have been given. MH is important because it opens us up to ideas that can improve our lives or we can decide that they are not for us. It should be like a buffet where we grab what we love, get a nibble of what we have not tried before and avoid those we tried in the past and didn’t enjoy.
      I understand those on the conservative side. I was once so conservative MH would have been wrong to read. Fortunately God enlightened me. I had experiences and now a marriage that made me grow away from fear. Now nothing I try can harm me or our marriage. Whether it’s on MH or an erotica site my husband might visit.
      Don’t be afraid to taste the lobster. If you don’t enjoy the taste, just don’t eat it again.

  17. hornyGG says:

    Great discussion! Like I stated previously my husband Ben and I love sharing our fantasies as they can be a real turn on. Some we act out, some we don't.
    I personally do not see the harm in using the " third person " fantasy as long as it is a fictional character. I confess that Ben and I have shared fantasies involving a "third person " such as " threesome fantasies " and, yes, the ultimate "I like to watch" male fantasy. But they are just that, a fantasy. We completely trust one another and would NEVER act out such fantasies in real life. The sanctity of marriage is sacred and very important to us.
    We enjoy our toys and occasionally use a third person fantasy while using them. CHL mentioned the use of a male masturbator for such a fantasy and we have done that. Ben has a "Fleshlight male masturbator "( Artificial pussy)that we named "Suzy Q" that I have verbally enticed him with the third party scenario while he uses it. He will sometimes do the same when I am using one of my toys, mainly my nonvibrating dildo I named "Frank" (derived from Frankfurter). He will say something like " You like Frank's big dick in your pussy don't you!" Or " Pound her, Frank! Make her cum!". This heightens my arousal hearing him say those things (of course, the fact that Ben is usually beating off while saying those things helps tremendously as well).
    I agree with the use of the "F" rating as it gives the reader a choice if he or she would want to read the story or not just like the "A" and "L" ratings do. I would love to see such stories here on MH, perhaps regulated to the Ignite section. Ben and I are both devout Christians and love God with all our heart. However, we are also sexual beings and fantasies that are understood to be fantasy only will always be a part of the sexual framework. The sanctity of the marriage bed will not and cannot be soiled. Anyway, I hope I haven't gone to far. Hope to hear more on MH'S stance on this matter. 'Til then, God bless and Stay Horny Always!
    😘 GG

    • LilaY69 says:

      That's hot. We also love to use dirty fantasy talk while masturbating or having sex. Especially in the heat of pleasure, we often will say very nasty and naughty things. For me especially. I love saying naughty things aloud for him because it drives him wild, and also gets me going pretty well, too. When I'm really in the mood for being a naughty little girl, I'll get on my knees and give him a beautiful sloppy blowjob while whispering to him very dirty and naughty things. Depending on what fantasy and how we're positioned, I'll say things to him like "Oh, this big cock is good, baby," or "Mmm! I wanna taste her pussy off your cock!"

      Our hot sex fantasies can include many different erotic scenarios. Most of the time they are very hot sexual adventures like the ones that you have mentioned. Often times the fantasies will include one or more (anonymous) people. Or sometimes the fantasy will include neither of us and are like fictional erotica with fictional people.

      @hornyGG By the way, when you mentioned "'I like to watch' ultimate male fantasy," are you referring to liking to watch visual erotica of a fantasy? Thanks, I was just curious at to what you meant.

    • seXcaliber says:

      Speaking of ratings, I have a question as to whether people are actually avoiding stories that have the L or A ratings. Hopefully, they are following this story and reading these comments. I am wondering if people see those ratings and think, "maybe this site isn't for me." Rather than skipping those stories and just reading the others that are more to their approval.

      A lot of you folks are saying that you fantasize and share fantasies that you would never do in reality. But I feel like if I started regularly reading about couples bringing in a third party and it got my engine going (which it certainly would), might I be tempted to start imagining these things in real life? Would or could it not contribute to my temptation? Yes, I could just avoid those stories, but honestly, sexual temptation is HUGE. Perhaps, at first I don't think it's any big deal and then I allow myself to get sucked into it.

      At least one reader has commented that some Christians see nothing wrong with threesomes or even homosexuality. I can tell you straight up that if that becomes MH's stance, the readership will plummet. There may be a few people claiming the name of Christ who see nothing wrong with sex outside of and before marriage and same sex, but they are very few and outside the mainstream. I would hate to see MH go under because it allowed for more inclusivity of broad and liberal thought which alienated it's core audience.

      It is correct that many Christians would be opposed to the existence of MH as is. Some would be opposed to the idea in general. Others would be opposed precisely because of the stories we mark with L and A.

      I'm still on the fence about it all, but frankly there aren't many places like this on the internet where Christians share sexy hot stories of holy monogamous marriage. There are plenty of places where you can read about threesomes and all kinds of other naughtiness to your heart's content.

      I would hesitate to risk narrowing our audience even for the sake of some really hot stories that I'm sure would make me leak into my shorts.

      I hope I was not too judgmental here. It was not my intention. It does appear that this conversation was heading in a single direction and I thought we need to consider possible unintended consequences of our liberty in Christ.

      Thanks all for spicing up my marriage.

  18. Victor0884 says:

    I think hornyGG is on the right track. After being married for a while, sometimes a fantasy can give a husband and wife a great spark. Fantasy and actually going through with something are two different things. Some couples may not be comfortable and can pass if the story is labeled. I know it is a fine line, but we are sexual beings and even though it may be a huge turn on a husband and wife know they will never engage in such things. I suspect that virtually all men could honestly admit to having threesome fantasies and the ultimate male fantasy of watching. This does not mean you are sinful, but human. God bless and thank you MH for addressing such a controversial subject.

  19. SecondMarge says:

    HornyGG, Lila and Victor

    My toy is named Jimmy and my husband loves to watch Jimmy do me. I must admit I have come to enjoy the fantasy with him. He also enjoys when Jimmy has a female helping him pleasure me or when she and I make my husband cum. Neither of us find anything wrong about these fantasies. These are a huge help with his erection issues. Whether the people in the fantasies are real or not is up to those fantasizing. For the sake of stories here we might avoid spelling that out since it seems many here have a problem with that.

    Good Christians might have an issue with the existence of MH or have none with actual threesomes, watching/being watched, premarital sex, and same sex activity. The diversity is that wide in the religion. So any decision regarding MH is a compromise between the extremes. It seems the fairest solution is let those that want to write and read such stories to do so but to label them so those that do not can avoid them.

    I have been married twice through no choice of my own. And in between, I participated in some activities many here might think were wrong. I don’t and neither does my husband. I don’t think I need forgiveness for doing them, nor does my husband for getting excited hearing about them.

    MH helps many couples improve their pleasures. As long as we don’t force our own beliefs on others but allow them to choose the ones they enjoy, it seems no one should complain. Despite what some think, there is no clear one way Christians believe, or there would not be scores of churches that felt different enough to break off of another sect. Our beliefs are those we formed and think are right for us.

    • LilaY69 says:

      Good points. I agree with submissions about fantasies versus about actual experiences. I think as long as it's not made clear of an actual experience, it's totally okay.

      My husband and I have often read fictional erotic stories based upon our fantasies and what best turns up the heat. As long as we don't seek them out in reality, we have no problem with occasionally using them in the bedroom. The hotter the better.

      We, like what seems to be a lot of us here, get turned on by fantasizing about threesomes (including when the wife experiences another woman in front of her husband), watching/being watched, swapping, cheating, and also even group sex.

      For us and many others here, fantasizing or role-playing these activities and scenarios out is completely fine as long as you do not pursue to do them in actuality.

      I think what makes MarriageHeat unique from the rest is based on these 3 (or 4) principles:

      1. Anonymity

      2. Real married couples

      3. Belief and love for Christ

      4. Hot sex (as if that isn't already clear)

      I think really anything in between, (denomination, view on anal sex, language used in the bedroom, views on certain fantasies, or how scantily clad you may dress one night out) is all of preference and therefore your predilection for what works for you and your married spouse in the bedroom.

      CHL, hornyGG, SecondMarge, Victor, and others... Would certainly be excited to hear about your experiences with fantasies, what they are, and how it spices up your rockin' marriage bed.

      Very interesting to see that by the polls, it looks like most couples would agree.

  20. Victor0884 says:

    If MH gets this fantasy for couples worked out I have an awesome husband/ male watching fantasy my wife and I use to heat things up in the bedroom. It has to do with a well endowed partner and both my wife and I enjoy it tremendously.

    • LilaY69 says:

      Would love to hear about what fantasies you share. Are you referring to a fantasy of two men and one woman? Or are you both in the fantasy

  21. hornyGG says:

    Ben loves fantasies about a threesome including another woman, and watching me with another woman or another man. That is where the toys come in.
    In reality, we wouldn't even consider such acts. Our love and respect for the Lord is more important to us than that.
    However, in the fantasy world it is a turn on for both of us. We never involve actual people. Only " Frank" my non vibrating dong and "Suzy Q " his Fleshlight Male masturbator.
    I would love for MH to include " fantasies " but only with a label of some sort. Fantasies play a part in everyone's sexual orientation at some part in our lives. So why not on MH.
    God bless and stay horny always darlin!
    😘💗 GG

  22. SecondMarge says:

    It’s unfortunate this “story” is about to leave the front page of MH. Since it has received so many replies and the issue may not be resolved. It might be better if somehow stories leave the front page a week after the most recent reply.(or something like that)
    Love the ideas people are already suggesting they would write about. I think it would be hot to read them to my husband. He loves when I describe what another man, especially one with very thick manhood, and or woman pleasure me. Or I stroke him and the other man. Then there is my favorite.
    Also having sex while watching another couple doing the same as we share a hotel room: The heat is going to be turned way up on MH when these stories start showing up. I bet Jimmy will be

    Keep the ideas coming.

  23. Loves2bthelover says:


    What are your thoughts on the issue as you read through the comments and consider the poll?

    Keep up the great work of making sex more spicy than ever!

    • MarriageHeat says:

      Lots of good feedback and ideas. It's clear from the poll results and the number of comments that this is important to many of our readers. And there may not be a one-size-fits-all solution. Fantasies have always been a part of the MH culture. But we are thinking about whether we should include more extreme fantasies than what we have allowed in the past, and if so, how to rewrite the guidelines for them and give proper oversight to editing and moderating comments on such posts. They mean more work for us, and as such may end up as a paid category. But fantasy stories that are in the same vein as previously posted ones won't be a problem. Just some thoughts for now. We're still considering all the options.

  24. natural_gardener says:

    I've taken my time in responding to this one, but want to thank MH and all the contributors for such a thought provoking post.

    To give some background, I had a very sheltered and G rated upbringing. Yet for some reason, many of these fantasies being discussed came into my mind naturally as I developed, no one putting the ideas into my head, just my active imagination. Many of these have already been detailed in posts here. I tried initially to resist the fantasies, but found that they would still recur and also that at times they had a very powerful effect on my strength and stamina when pleasuring myself. I also own two Fleshlights - so one can imagine the scenarios that might come to mind.

    I've often felt that candor and being able to communicate openly with a spouse or potential spouse about true fantasies (hers and mine) even the ones we wouldn't actually do could be a good thing, if we could communicate with the perspective of what's behind the fantasies, and not condemn or look distastefully on the other person for having the fantasy. My fear is still that if I ever told my partner a couple of these (the ones that seem to often recur in the comments here) that she might look at me differently or feel something had changed in our relationship, or question my heart and mind being faithful to her.

    It is encouraging to see the female commenters, particularly on this one hornyGG and SecondMarge (welcome, btw!) speak with frankness and loving acceptance, and I can only hope my future bride would feel the same way and understand the context and moods involved in these fantasies. And maybe, even take the toys out from time to time! But seriously I really appreciate the candor, the experiences and thoughts of all on MH - especially our female commenters. You help me feel less alone in my sexuality and struggles.

    • SecondMarge says:

      Thanks for the welcome. I too started life in a G world with religious beliefs that would find almost all of MH wrong. In my journey out of the darkness and despair of my first husband's passing, I have become much more open about my body and sex. I learned there is no boogie man under the bed, that the important decisions revolve around being in agreement with my husband and not hurting each other’s feelings. This is not to say we agree on every aspect of erotica. But I have found there is no harm in pleasing him. I have no emotional feelings for my “plastic fantastic lovers;” they merely help me achieve orgasm and turn my husband on.
      In the end, we all have differences in our views on all topics including sex. While I feel sorry for those who have one sip of wine and feel compelled to drink the whole bottle, I don’t deny myself a glass with dinner. Erotica is the same. Enjoying a sexual story, regardless of topic, will not send me or most into a death spiral of porn. I feel sorry for the individual that goes off the deep end, but I won’t condemn the activity because it how affects a few.
      We have many fantasies or memories of activities that some here find wrong. I would not encourage them to participate, just as some topics here I don’t care to be involved in.

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