Can I hang Around in Marriage Heat?
G’day everyone from Downunder. My name is Suemmm.
I’ve been lurking for a few weeks, but have read only a few stories and enjoyed them immensely. I usually get a loud belly laugh somewhere along the way. Thanks for the stories.
Being here was confronting at first. I had little real understanding of God’s desire for us to enjoy each other in marriage. But I “got it” quickly. Of course now, I can’t wait to be let loose in that undefiled bedroom/home/great outdoors. The possibilities are endless!
I was going to join Ignite earlier today (Australian time), but I chickened out. I enjoy writing and would like to try a fantasy or fiction piece or two for submission to MH.
A bit about me: I am a committed Christian, late 60s, some health and mobility challenges, young at heart and an adventuress. I got married young. The marriage finally fell apart 11 years ago. He was the one who ended it. We both saw no need to get a divorce as neither were interested in a new relationship.
We remain very good friends, but he’s not at all looking to reconcile. He even turned down my request/offer to be friends with benefits not long ago!
For the last few months, though, I have been experiencing an awakening of feelings. I deeply want to love and be loved. I would love to have “his” arms around me just holding me tight. I want this so bad I can almost feel them.
I thought I would never need any of those desires again. I did a good job of neatly packing them all away in a sardine can somewhere inside me. But now, that sardine can has been ripped open and all that stuff escaped. Life has been a rollercoaster ride of late!
I know The Lord will do a good job of balancing me as I submit all the sardines to Him (hope He likes stinky fish). One day I know I’ll be wonderfully fashioned. In the meantime, I will get an uncontested divorce so that I may continue on this new journey.
My question is, should I stay away from MH until God has brought along my new man and we are readying for marriage?
I’m looking for God’s scriptural perspectives, please. I don’t mind opinions as well. It all will give me plenty to think over.
Thanks, Sue
Welcome Suemmm! I think that’s beautiful that the sardine can has exploded. God designed us with sexual depth and layers and passions… and Jesus wants us to “live life to the fullest.” I don’t believe this gives us the freedom to act out in ANY way… but I also believe we are not intended to bottle up our sexuality. [If you found a Christian fellow who was 65 and had been divorced for 11 years, you wouldn’t think he was “holy” or “pious” if he told you: “I have not had a sexual feeling or urge in over 10 years.” If anything it would be concerning.] Here’s what Phil. 4:8 says in the NCV: “Brothers and sisters, think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected.” The 'old' you might have thought that there’s no way sexual desires could fit into these categories. BUT indeed, thinking about our sexuality and fantasizing about the marriage bed (be it past or future) is indeed lovely, pure, beautiful, & honorable!
Cuddles,
Welcome! Let me say that I see absolutely no reason for you to stay away from MH. Marriage Heat is full of caring Christians who love monogamous sex.
That being said, you must do what you feel is right for you. Follow your heart and pray about it. God will lead you in the right direction . So sorry about the situation with your own marriage, but try not to get too down hearted and give up on love. God is Awesome and will provide!
God Bless you and Stay Horny darlin!
? GG
{{G'day everyone from Downunder. My name is Suemmm.}}
Hi Sue, and welcome to the wild world of Marriage Heat.
{{I was going to join Ignite earlier today (Australian time), but I chickened out. I enjoy writing and would like to try a fantasy or fiction piece or two for submission to MH.}}
Please do! I enjoy writing as well, have a few stories on here, as well as more coming. I’ve even got one in Ignite too. Don’t worry about the feeling of chickening out on joining Ignite. I did that the first time I thought about signing up for it too. Then I finally did it. I guess I wanted to see where my involvement was headed in all this before I financially committed. It is all a personal decision and once you join, it is easy to look at past Ignite stories. We’ll keep the lights on for ya.
{{For the last few months, though, I have been experiencing an awakening of feelings. I deeply want to love and be loved. I would love to have "his" arms around me just holding me tight. I want this so bad I can almost feel them.}}
A natural desire and feeling. Especially when you’ve had it, and now it is gone. We’re just wired that way.
{{I thought I would never need any of those desires again. I did a good job of neatly packing them all away in a sardine can somewhere inside me. But now, that sardine can has been ripped open and all that stuff escaped. Life has been a rollercoaster ride of late!
(snip)
My question is, should I stay away from MH until God has brought along my new man and we are readying for marriage?}}
Ultimately, that is a question for you to decide. You know your limits and situation best. All we can do is give you some general principles, whether from Scripture or our personal opinion, or a combination thereof. There are also some other single people on here, some widowed, who I hope will chime in and give their perspective.
However, as far as how to evaluate this situation for yourself, you need to do a risk vs. benefit list. I would figure out what you can handle, and whether or not it could be relieved through masturbation in order for you not to sin.
You see, marrying another man, is more than a legal issue. Much, much more. In my opinion, whenever a person in your situation has sex with another man, that is when you are in fact divorcing your husband and remarrying another man. Sex is the sacrament of marriage. So keep that in mind as you deal with this. The sin comes in when we abuse this gift of God for our lives and relationships.
Due to that, it the stories here stir you up so much that you are tempted to sin, then it may be smart to take a break from here at least until a time you are able to validly satisfy those desires, or you are able to find that balance. I’ll leave it to others to more specifically address your concerns who are in your situation.
At any rate, it appears your time here has been a learning experience and you’ve already come a long way toward a better understanding of sex. That would be a definite benefit.
I think you can learn from some stories and advice on MH. Give you ideas for your future marriage. Dispel any wrong thinking about sex and masurbation.
So I think you should hang around this wonderful community. Pray about it and unless you feel it keeps you too frustrated and tempted to act on these feelings other than masturbation then stick around and learn all you can learn.
Sorry. No opinion. Married 40 years. Anniversary was yesterday. But, stay here on MH and welcome to our place.
Congratulations on 40 years!
Happy Anniversary Art.
Cuddles, you stay. Feed your erotic self. Be touchy' and enjoy your body as you read these highly sexual explosive stories.
Mmm … But.. .. remain close to God. Keep your eyes on Him. The enemy would like you to turn an eye toward his perverted ways.
As others have said, I think it's fine for you to hang out around MarriageHeat and be involved in our community. I suggest you take time for some prayerful, serious and honest consideration about it and make sure it's good for you and doesn't bring up any unhealthy thoughts, feelings or desires. But if that all checks out, and continues to as you keep an eye on it, I think MH is a great place for you to be!
I hope MH can be as helpful for you as it has been for me! I'm a single young man, never married, and MH has been a wonderful resource for me over the past several years. To date, I think it's done more than any other one resource for shaping my view of how a God-centered marriage can and should look, not just sexually, but as a whole. Of course, it's primarily focused on the sexual part, but I've seen SO much expressed in the stories here that teach about other areas of marriage.
I would also echo the encouragement of others to stay engaged with your sexuality, whether that be through reading MH stories, self-pleasure, or other things that don't go off into sinful territory.
Shifting gears, you asked for "scriptural perspectives." The following is the scripture I thought of when reading your situation, and it might be painful to take in, but I feel it's necessary to bring up this point.
There's an issue here I haven't seen anyone else address yet, perhaps because it's something that's largely and tragically ignored these days. Before moving forward with things you discussed in your post, I would humbly urge you to prayerfully consider Matthew 19:3-9, containing Jesus' teachings on divorce and remarriage. It may be a radical position, but I believe this passage takes divorce and remarriage entirely off the table in the vast majority of situations. I know my own interpretation can be flawed, so I don't present it as absolute truth, but I would humbly urge you prayerfully and carefully consider this passage.
For your situation, there are several complicating factors that I'm not sure how to address biblically: he ended it, you're not technically divorced, but you effectively are for all practical purposes. Biblically, I don't know if the spouse who disagreed with or didn't consent to the ending of the relationship has a right to remarry after divorce. The New King James Version of Matthew 19:9 ends with "…and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery." So there's a strong case to be made that even a spouse who disagreed with, or even resisted a divorce, is still ineligible to remarry.
Considering this, and based on my view of marriage and the principles of reconciliation, which are hopefully biblically sound, I would always try to reconcile. Since you got married, then based on God's design, you should be together. Maybe God has a plan to use divorce for good, but I doubt it would ever truly be his first answer to any given circumstance.
This is just my opinion, but I think it has good biblical backing. As I referenced before, Matthew 19:3-9 commands against divorce in quite clear terms, and against remarriage to another in the unfortunate case where divorce does happen. The short story in Hosea 3 (background in chapter 1) is one illustration of God's preference that his children reconcile rather than remain separated from their spouses. (I will note, though, it's in a different context and not necessarily intended as a commandment to others,) And of course, Paul speaks of marriage in Ephesians 5, and tells us it's a symbol of Christ and the church. Based on that, a marriage relationship should be like our relationship with Christ, so we should fight with every fiber of our being to keep our marriages intact, or bring them back together, even if they've appeared dead for a decade. Even after millennia, even when many of us turn our backs on him, Christ doesn't give up on his church. Likewise, we shouldn't give up on the man-woman relationship that symbolizes our human-Christ relationship.
When making these kinds of decisions in your life, spend some significant time in prayer and in God's word, and strive to submit your own will to his. He always knows best. He may lead you in the direction you're thinking, or he may have something even better in mind. Be willing to hear what he has to say.
Those are my thoughts. Right or wrong, I sincerely pray God uses them to lead you in the direction he has planned for your life.
(As always, I welcome constructive criticism of my ideas and other opinions or perspectives from other commenters. Better to have more than one viewpoint involved when addressing any issue.)
Jesus – speaking to the Jews, specifically the self-righteous Pharisees – does indeed give all that guidance, but he also said that Moses gave them the laws for divorce because their hearts were hard (meaning, in my mind, that they would mistreat the wives they no longer wanted and not provide for all their needs as commanded or even send them away with nothing. Better to set them free with the money to start a new life?) He also says "What God has joined together let man not separate."
But what guidance does the Bible give to those whom man *has* separated? Based on the fact that neither of them was seeking another relationship, it doesn't seem infidelity was the issue – the only cause Jesus allowed for divorce. I would assume that a man who "loosed himself" from his wife eleven years ago and has led his life separate from her is not a believing husband. If this is so, then Paul addresses this situation in 1 Cor. 7, doesn't he?
Paul's guidance *to the church* confirms that neither husband nor wife should separate from their spouse, though if an unbelieving spouse wishes to leave, let them go and be at peace. "In such cases, the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other." We don't know whether your husband is a man of faith, Cuddles, but it is clear he isn't being obedient in Paul's call to not separate from you or fail to provide for your needs, which leads me to believe that he isn't.
Paul also gave, "by way of concession, not by way of command" these instructions to the unmarried AND the widow: It is good for them to remain as even I. However, if they lack self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. This word unmarried is defined by scholars of Greek to apply regardless of whether he or she has been married before. Here it is differentiated from the widow; later (v.34) it is differentiated from the virgin. To me, this makes it clear that the woman so called is neither.
The Bible is clear, and I agree with PatientPassion, that prayer for reconciliation to a believing husband is always the best course. In my mind, though, your husband "loosed himself" from you when he left you a decade ago. A legal proceeding to formalize that action for your freedom to marry again to a believer who will be obedient to his duties toward you as a husband – all of them – seems logical and not unbiblical. It's a step that would not have been necessary in Paul's day but is required today.
Some would argue that Paul's statement later, in v.39, that a woman is bound to her husband until death contradicts this. I would point out that it follows these words: "And thus in all the *churches*, I prescribe" (emphasis mine). And it is set within Paul's guidance for whether it is best to marry or to stay single or widowed since the time is "short". None of this passage is set forth as a command, though, except these two verses:(v. 10-11) "But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife."
If Cuddles didn't leave her husband, but he left her, then this doesn't apply to her – in my humble opinion.
I agree with CrazyHappyLoved that strictly speaking, he left her so none of that really applies to her. I would offer up a different perspective on divorce, based on Jesus' words in Matt 19. You'll notice the sin is not so much when they separate, but when they have sex with another person. in the case of the first person to do so, usually the one who initiates it, it is committing adultery, which in essence divorces one from one's wife (not legally or socially necessarily, but in the underlying reality of it, it is breaking the bond with one's wife to do so, and the one left is then free to remarry–to have sex with another),
Nowhere in that passage does Jesus negate Moses' allowance to divorce. Rather, he explains it as an allowance because of the hardness of people's hearts, because of original sin. Which is still true today. The key is to note what Jesus says, "In the beginning, it was not meant to be this way." (My own paraphrase from memory.) Jesus was speaking of what God's design was to be before the fall. Once the fall happened, you have men (and women) who are hard of heart. There are situations, like abuse and constant cheating that are examples of hard-hearted people, and in this life, there are, unfortunately, many. Jesus isn't so much taking divorce off the table as he is in clarifying that it shouldn't be so easy for us to violate God's original design. Especially those who are called to follow Him.
So, if it was this way from the beginning, and God didn't approve of divorce under any situation, he would not have allowed Moses to give that exception. All that said, what Jesus says here is we should do all we are able to do to preserve a marriage. I did in my case when I discovered my wife cheating on me. She and I worked hard to overcome that situation where she had essentially divorced me several times over. We came out good, thankfully. Mostly due to her hard work at falling out of love with the other guy, which took around 4 years, maybe 5. I could have divorced her, but my feeling was if there was a way to redeem this, I wanted to do so. But a lot depended on her actions as well.
But if she hadn't come through, it would have been more loving of me to legally divorce her–to make the legal reality conform to what had actually happened, in the hopes that she would eventually repent. Whether I would have ever remarried would depend on what she would do from that point on, and other factors.But due to the hardness of a person's heart because of sin and the fall, some situations require one to divorce as the lesser of two evils.
That's my interpretation, and I could be wrong. Take it for what it is worth.
Yes, everything in your power. I would say that you went above and beyond in your case since infidelity is the one acceptable reason for divorce that Jesus allowed in Matthew's gospel. (There are none in Mark or Luke.) And maybe eleven years of waiting and rejection would bear that categorization as well? Both of you — MaxLoving and Cuddles — took the high road. Can God heal a marriage long dead? Of course. But unless both are believers, I don't think one is expected to wait.
That said, I too welcome you, Cuddles. By all means enjoy the stories and give us the benefit of your insights in comments and posts of your own. Unless the material makes it harder for you to wait for re-marriage, the MH community can be a real blessing.
I also think it's interesting to note that Jesus was speaking to Jews under a system of law that did not allow multiple marriages. It was the Romans, not the Hebrew culture, that required one to divorce in order to take another wife. The Levitical laws didn't consider sex with another woman (specifically) to break the first bonds of matrimony, as long as it also took place within those same bonds. He was not allowed to put her aside but required to provide for her physical and sexual needs at the same level as before. But for a Jew in Jesus' time (and ours) to take a new wife, he would have to break his promise to care for all the needs of his previous one. (This is not to imply that I am in favor of multiple wives. I like our system and see no Biblical example of the other ever working out well for those who had them.)
CHL, you have a fair point about 1 Corinthians 7 in regards to letting an unbelieving spouse go and the idea that "in such cases a brother or sister is not enslaved." However, Paul says this is his advice, not directly from the Lord, so even though he is arguably the second most important New Testament teacher, I would defer to the first: Jesus.
What Jesus said seems to lay a general rule against remarriage. Paul, then, is either clarifying or undercutting what Jesus himself said, so was he explaining the details of that rule, or was he teaching something incompatible?
I believe in the infallibility of scripture (not to imply that any of you don't), which means Paul and Jesus cannot be contradicting each other. Taking Jesus' words as given, it sounds like Paul's teaching means the spouse being abandoned under those circumstances should be at peace and doesn't have an obligation to fight to preserve the marriage. However, they may still be ineligible to remarry. Jesus still says that it's adultery to marry a divorced woman, and that may or may not be the case regardless of the circumstances of the divorce (he doesn't appear to give any exceptions). He also says whoever divorces his wife makes her commit adultery (only if she remarries, logically), which hits the same point from another angle.
It's difficult because the Bible doesn't tell us specifically about every possible circumstance, which is why I fall back on what I think is the clearest principle available.
With that said, there seems to be a coherent case in favor of remarriage, stronger than I thought could be made. It has caused me some uncertainty on the issue, which is perhaps a good thing. Still, I cannot shake the clarity of Jesus' words. His explanation doesn't seem to leave as much wiggle room as the counter-case needs when it uses Paul's writings from 1 Corinthians 7. I guess I'll just have to study deeper on this at some point.
MaxLoving, I have to disagree on a couple of points. First, if Jesus didn't negate Moses' allowance of divorce then when he said "Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate," what did he mean? Was it merely a suggestion, or an ideal that we weren't meant to always live up to? He also says "FROM the beginning, it was not so," not "IN the beginning," which indicates it continues FROM the beginning TO the present time, and beyond if there's no change in that law or intent, which I don't think there is.
Also, I think the idea that if "God didn't approve of divorce… he wouldn't have let Moses to give that exception" is biblically incorrect. Immediately, the story of King Saul in 1 Samuel 8-10 comes to mind. God was very disapproving of Israel wanting a human king, yet gave them one anyway. It was still wrong, but he allowed it to happen without morally approving of it.
With all that said, I don't think I can add much more to the discussion. I felt compelled to bring up a difficult perspective, and I hope I was able to do it without causing any hurt feelings. Thank you CHL and MaxLoving for your inputs, and for helping to expand and sharpen my understanding!
And Cuddles, I'm so glad to hear from your most recent comment that you have felt the Holy Spirit working in your life. Open up and let him work in every part of you! He will be a much better guide for your life and your decisions than we can be. 🙂
Thank you all for the welcome to MH, and for your thoughtful advice.
PacMan
Phil 4.8 is a favourite of mine but I'd never seen it to be about sex too. What a wonderful revelation that is!
hornyGG
I get horny from reading hot stories so I'm doing just what you say to do! Right back at ya GG ?
MaxLoving
I couldn't help myself, I've already joined Ignite and loving it.
I'm keeping tabs on that benefit/risk page in my head. No risk so far and piles of benefits.
I like the idea of sex in my new marriage being the real dividing line between divorce and remarriage. It resonates with me.
Southernheat
I'm happy and comfortable so far. Even if I come across something that I'm not settled with I just give it to God and invite the Holy Spirit to work on it as I only He can do.
Yep, I am learning heaps. Talk about a fast-tracked eye-popping education!
Think I'm going to stop by that adult store only a block away. I'll most likely emerge with a toy or three haha.
ArtRutherford
40 years. My what a wonderful milestone. Congratulations!
Pushbabypush
So well stated!
I will, I will, I will, I will and I will.
Thank you.
Cuddles:
As a man in waiting, I really appreciate your story and experiences, and I'm "hanging around" for the same reasons. I hope you find renewed hope, strength, and confidence in your body and sexuality here.
**PatientPassion**
**CrazyHappyLoved**
**MaxLoving**
Interesting read! Thank you for your different perspectives on such a thorny subject.
I needed to take a step back so I could get somewhere with it.
First off, some more of my history:
Our marriage started to fall apart a few years before he ended it. Both our faults of course, as it always is.
But he made two decisions which killed it outright in the end.
First was to cut off sexual relations with me. Talk about role-reversal of the "norm" bigtime! I was the one asking for sex and he was the one with the "headaches" and being too tired etc etc etc until I stopped asking. I just couldn't put myself up against that wall to be rejected and shot straight thru the heart one more time.
I understand a bit about how you men feel when she says no until you simply don't ask any more.
It never changed for the better, just a status quo. I got used to it and decided to stay because we seemed to get along in a compainable sort of way, like a comfy pair of old slippers. Besides which I had nowhere else to go.
A few years later he just announced to me out of the blue that it was over. Yes, there was no adultery or other bad stuff going on. He very kindly said I could stay as long as I needed while I was looking for a way to successfully move out and start off anew (it really was much more practical and reasonable for it to be me who moved out. Long story). It took a few years for that to finally happen so we lived under the same roof but separated.
We had been churchgoers for decades but hadn't been fellowshipping since just after his first big call.
He hasn't been back to church since then but will comfortably talk about Godly things with me. He's a bit of a puzzle for sure!
I've been attending a solid Pentecostal church for around three years now.
So I know better than to try to fix things up, doesn't work.
I've left things alone so the Holy Spirit can get in there and do His stuff. All that's happened is that there is healing on my side and a stunning awakening in me of late.
He has mellowed some but is still determined that things aren't going to change.
I was vacillating between believing that God was going to restore my marriage as I know He can do (that's if both parties are willing), and just walking away until just a few weeks ago.
Then I bit the bullet and decided for divorce but was still a tiny bit unsure.
That was until last Sunday at church. We always enjoy wonderful praise and worship and there was a tangible, heavy and powerful anointing around that song "Break Every Chain". I actually knew that the Holy Spirit was smashing me free from what I can only describe as a solid block of cement with something like a giant mallet. All the while I was getting just one word from Him. DIVORCE.
Literally just 2 or 3 days after that release at church this divorce thing comes up in my first ever MH post!
I believe that I was bound about divorce and that's why I couldn't settle about it. I feel free to move forward now.
I believe that I have been put away by my husband. He shows no sign of remorse or repentance for his decisions. Our connectedness has changed since Sunday even tho we still remain good friends.
I really don't know where he stands with God, that's their business not mine.
It's time for me to make headway into my own personal pursuit of happiness, if I may borrow from the U S of A's Constitution. I love that pursuit of happyness ?
**natural_gardener**
Thank you for your encouraging words. You wrote exactly what I'm believing God for.
I'm an encourager and it's always lovely to be on the receiving end as well.
There is such a thing as Gods perfect will for our lives and His permissive will for our lives. We have free choice and don’t always choose as God would want but it doesn’t change His love for us.
Some things are under the grace of the New Testament not the law of the Old Testament. Maybe divorce falls in this category. I think we all need to pray and work out our own salvation. Some things we may never know until we see Jesus face to face and then it won’t matter to us. Not to apply Grace to justify and allow us to be living a sinful life that’s not what I mean. I believe God sees our heart and if we desire to please Him and live for Him.
I joined Marriage Heat to learn a bit more about this side of relationships. Through circumstances beyond my control, I lost the opportunity of marriage and kids – things I'd wished for my whole life. I made the decision that I would rather live under God's will, instead of marrying outside of that. At times that has left me alone and lonely, with hard times to go through on my own, but trying to remember that God has been there, when a physical person hasn't.