A Little Wisdom?

Hi there.

A little bit about me: I am 23 years old, female, and single. Honestly, I don’t know if being here is “right,” but here’s the truth of it.

I was sexually abused for several years as a young kid. As I got older, I obviously experienced arousal, but it was such a toxic place for me. Thanks to this website and a lot of counseling I have reached a place where I am comfortable with my sexuality. But if I’m honest, I’m starting to feel desperate. I do not want to give myself to a man outside marriage; so much of that was taken from me so early that I want to reserve “the choice” for my husband. But it’s almost as if, because I’ve experienced it before, it’s more challenging for me than my peers? I say this because I have very open friendships with a community of young women who are firm believers and I have spent so much time in tears trying to resist what my body is begging for, but my mind knows is not in line with scripture.

So my question is, how did you successfully wait (if you did) or what led you to decide not to? I have cried out to God, begging for my forever love so many times. My heart (and body) aches for him. But how do I do this??? Practicals are super helpful, but any other encouraging words or advice would be so meaningful to me.

Thank you.

–Young And Lost

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33 replies
  1. Pushbabypushhard says:

    Pnb2014,
    First of all I applaud you. God will reward you when you do get married. He honors obedience over sacrifice. The fact that you desire to please only Him by denying yourself reminds me of the story of Boaz. You ever read it? Look it up. Also there's a movie too. Bible film. The woman desired only to please Boaz. Yes, it is a story about a woman and a man finding each other but it's also a depiction of Christ and the church. But here is what you can practically do each day. Read The Word. Build your self up in your spirit. Especially the a m. Hours. P.m. too. I was sexually abused too as a child. It took me a long time to let go of that. God Is our healer. Amen. I love you in The Lord, my sister. Father, in Jesus name, help your daughter each day to be strong. Not in her own strength but in yours. She is committed to you. Please reward her with her own Boaz. In Jesus name. Amen.

    • Pnb2014 says:

      @push baby A dear friend of mine highlighted this story so I can say you definitely hear from God to bring it up as well!!! Thank you so much

    • Mike says:

      I was not born again yet when I choose to wait, I stuck it in my head no sex,I never had premarital sex neither did my wife, we waited bc I had seen proof of how hard life is with premarital sex, but if your born again rely on Christ

  2. Doc_Love says:

    My wife and I are 23 as well and recently married. By God’s grace we waited to enjoy sex until after we were married. It might not be the easy thing to do, but it is the right thing—and it’s not impossible. In the months leading up to our wedding we talked a lot about sex—expectations, things we wanted to try, what we thought we would enjoy, etc. I had been masturbating since my early teen years, but during our year long engagement I chose to take the time to learn some ejaculatory control—I would practice (and still do) edging and stimulating myself for longer periods of time before allowing myself to ejaculate. I did this so I would be able to last longer in bed—and that really paid off! Kristen, on the other hand grew up fairly sexually naive, and had never masturbated. So, after we were engaged I bought her a vibrator so that she could start to learn about her own sexual response (FYI best gift ever for your fiancé). She has moved on to a bigger and better vibe now, but still loves to use one! Often, we would call each other on a lazy afternoon and masturbate over the phone, telling in detail what we would do if we were together (some may say this is pushing the limit before marriage, but I can honestly say it helped us grow closer and probably kept us from outright premarital intercourse). Overall, ask God to help you resist temptation, focus on understanding your own sexual response as an individual (enjoy Marriage Heat—read the stories and find out what turns you on), and seek out friendships with Christian young men (my experience has been that God will bring someone into your life when you are open to finding a marriage partner, but not making starting a relationship an idol). God bless! Looking forward to see what others have to say.

    • Mike says:

      I was not born again yet when I chose to wait. I stuck it in my head no sex. I never had premarital sex neither did my wife, we waited bc I had seen proof of how hard life is with premarital sex, but if you're born again, rely on Christ.

  3. ILoveMarriage says:

    Hi! Welcome to MarriageHeat.

    You are probably blessed with a high libido, and would desire sex even if you had not suffered abuse. Many women (and some men too) do not suffer sexual abuse nor are taught bad attitudes about sex in their home and church, yet are just not that into sex. I have read about the responsive nature of desire in some women — they don't desire sex until they start doing it.

    But other women have spontaneous desire. They NEED sex. My wife is such a woman. She needs her orgasms, and has physical symptoms if she doesn't have them. Blood tests revealed that she has a high testosterone level. She was a horny teenager when we met, and is a horny old lady now.

    A high libido is a good thing. My wife's has served our marriage well — it gets us thru the difficult times that all marriages have. It's great for me to have a wife that wants me and pursues me sexually.

    We were both virgins at the beginning of our honeymoon. This was 40 years ago. Waiting was easier then. Within our religious tradition, having sex with anyone other than a fiancée was not an option, and waiting until marriage was still the norm. It just wasn't something we considered doing.

    Societies attitudes towards sex change, but God's standards do not. He created sex for marriage and marriage for sex. That will not change. Sex is as much emotional as physical. Having sex outside the commitment of marriage will not fill that void in your soul. Sex within marriage is a great blessing. Outside of marriage, it can cause great sorrow. With His help, you can wait!

    I masturbated. A lot :-). We guys don't really have an option. "Nocturnal emissions" are a myth as far as I am concerned. Using the Bible as the standard, it is a perfectly legitimate way to meet your physical need. For me, it was much easier to resist temptation and behave like a gentleman with my dates if I masturbated before going out.

    The #1 thing that would make waiting easier is hope. What are you doing to find a husband? Make finding your husband your priority. I don't believe in "soul mates" in the sense that there is one and only one person out there for you that you have to find or wait for him to find you. But if God is a personal God and gets involved in our lives at all, He will be involved in this decision, and help you find a good husband. But you will have to do your part. If you expend a lot of effort and money to find a husband, you will appreciate him more. Plus, the search should be an enjoyable growth experience that may result in not only a husband but possibly some new good friends as well.

    This is already part of your daily prayers, but get all of your friends to pray too.

    If you haven't already, do this today: Research the various online Christian dating sites, with the goal of signing up for one or more within say the next month. Get some good professional portraits taken. Take time writing a good profile. If your profile makes it known that you crave sex but are saving yourself for the right guy, I can't imagine you wouldn't generate a lot of interest 🙂

    May He bless you and keep you.

    • Pnb2014 says:

      I have heard this before but didn’t know if it was a real thing or an excuse for people giving into their cravings… but I do appreciate the input.

      I confess I have a hard time with the “modern society” way of dating. As most women I want to be pursued and I feel that dating sites kind of take away from that but I wouldn’t of love to hear some other men’s opinions on online dating.. does it take away from the pursuit? Or just give you clarity ? Any other thoughts

    • ILoveMarriage says:

      Hi Pnb2014. Thanks for returning and posting. So many people post thought-provoking questions here. Other members spend a lot of time answering the question, yet the poster never return to let people know that their responses were read.

      Dating sites are before my time, so I don't know the specifics. What I do know is that we attended a marriage seminar sponsored by an area megachurch. The attendees were mostly from the thirty-ish crowd. Part of the activities were telling others how you met. It seems half of them met online.

      I don't see how internet dating sites fundamentally change anything. It is just another way to meet people. You still have to date, pursue/be pursued, etc. If you go to a megachurch with a large singles ministry or are enrolled in a large Christian university, and have access to more Christian men than you can ever get to know, then you don't need internet dating. But if that is not the case, then internet dating sites make sense. How many Christian men are there within an hour's drive of where you live that you would never meet otherwise?

      Hopefully someone with actual experience will comment. Or search the internet for others experiences. Try YouTube.

  4. SecondMarge says:

    What Christianity taught for a thousand plus years was a woman should never enjoy sex. It was to be endured for procreation. Even for married couples, All positions other than missionary were a sin. No female on top, doggie, spoon. Oral and anal abominations. Finally some enlightenment and only a few strict sects still believe those restrictions for married couples. The vast majority have changed, yet the words in the Bible have not. Same sex relations are becoming acceptable.

    My point is to follow your heart. Not what someone thought was beneficial 2000 years ago. It was never meant to keep people virgins into their 20’s. I wish I had not blindly followed strict teachings. If you find a good man you love, decide with him based on your feelings.

    • ILoveSex says:

      Hmmm, follow my heart? Trust my feelings? "The heart wants what the heart wants" Woody Allen famously said. Of course it does! Because we are by nature, sinful and unclean! Sinful man is incurvatus in se (curved in on himself and his own sinful wants and desires). Trust my own heart and feelings? The Bible says they are corrupted as I am corrupted. See Mt.15:19; Mk 7:21-23; Gen.6:5; Jer. 17:9-10; Jer. 7:24.

    • SecondMarge says:

      “By nature sinful and unclean”? Really, I had no idea that kind of thinking still existed. Your heart also knows right from wrong. I believe mankind is by nature good and, given the opportunity, will do the right thing. We seek guidance from the stories and parables that make up the Bible.

      But it’s not my intent to tell others what to believe. Nor to offend them. There are hundreds of different versions of Christianity, and we all let our heart tell us which we feel we should follow.

    • ILoveMarriage says:

      SecondMarge said: "What Christianity taught for a thousand plus years was a woman should never enjoy sex…. All positions other than missionary were a sin…. Oral and anal abominations. Finally some enlightenment and only a few strict sects still believe those restrictions for married couples. The vast majority have changed, yet the words in the Bible have not."

      I'd like to point out that none of these restrictions are Biblical. To the contrary, 1 Cor 7 places the wife's right to pleasure in the marriage bed equal to the husband's. Deu 24:5 commands newly married men to take a year off from battle to provide sex for his wife. Oral sex is mentioned positively in the Song of Solomon.

      These negative attitudes towards sex came into Christianity from pagan influence, not the Bible. Before converting to Christianity, Augustine belonged to an ascetic sect that taught that the material world was evil. According to Augustine, sex was permissible only for procreation. Pope Leo the Great taught that ALL intercourse was sin. Unfortunately these negative attitudes towards sex still influence even mainstream Christianity to some degree.

      It doesn't make sense to ignore God's instructions [and the OP seems to understand this] just because some of his followers made up their own restrictions. Isn't it conceivable that God created sex not only to show love, but also commitment?

  5. Max&Lily says:

    When I became a Christian in college, I was a sex, drugs and rock and roller. Giving up sex was the hardest of all. Being single, I prayed for someone. I needed someone. No one appeared, so to speak. I finally prayed a prayer of letting go one day after 5 years of bachelorhood. I said if You want me to be single, I submit fully and let it go. I turned it over. I could actually feel the pressure lift off me. I was on my way to pick up a friend at the saying of this prayer. I was giving him a ride to his college residence. He said to me in the car on the way to his place that I should ask out a certain girl. My spiritual jaw just dropped. I am now married to that woman. I had to let go before I could receive. Lesson learned.

    • PatientPassion says:

      What an amazing story of God's providence! His ways are truly amazing. I've been learning this concept in several areas in my life: we need to let go of things, but not give up on them. We can keep hoping for something but let it go into God's hands, submit to him and trust him to make things happen if it's his will. Whatever the situation is, it's WAY better off in God's hands than ours anyway! 🙂

    • Pnb2014 says:

      @Max&Lily that is incredible! I can only pray for patience and trust with God as he prepares me and my future husband separately before we come together. It’s ironic because until 2 years ago when He radically changed my heart I did not desire marriage at all I just burned with frustrated passion. Now my heart aches is so many more ways with the addition of desiring marriage but I have heard the promises of God and know he does not give us things to play with us, he does so to bring us from one Glory (Singlness with God, which I treasure sincerely) to Glory (A Godly marriage which I look to with anticipation)

      Blessings to you and thank you for sharing your story.

  6. PacMan says:

    Welcome Pnb2014! Glad you are here, and YES it’s okay (and probably healthy on multiple levels) that you are on this site. 🙂

    I am SO SORRY that you experienced sexual abuse. That is awful. Of course Christ can heal those scars, but it also could be a long road. LEAN into professional help… it might be something that you are “working on” for decades. This is unfair, b/c you are the victim, but sexual health is important.

    On that note, I hope you feel comfortable and secure about masturbation. These single years are a great time to understand your body… and to connect happy (exhilarating) feelings to sexual response. Developing a vibrant sexuality in your mind and body (with the help of MH and maybe a vibrator – hehe) is not “robbing” your future marriage, it’s investing in it!

    In terms of waiting, it begins with a SHARED commitment with your S/O. You are mid-20s, so it’s likely that your future relationship(s) will be more serious, and will likely have a physical aspect. Don’t stress out over it. I heard some great teaching 20+ years ago that your physical relationship should never advance beyond your spiritual relationship. There’s still some gray areas about “how far is allowed,” but you can always weigh your spiritual commitment first. The ultimate physical gesture (intercourse) is reserved for the ultimate spiritual commitment (marriage).

  7. MaxLoving says:

    Dear Young and Lost,

    I can only speak to part of your dilemma, since I never had sex until I was married. Sort of, at any rate. That is, we never had intercourse before we were married. We did, unfortunately, do other things that gave each other orgasms for almost a year. So, it sort of applies, except that intercourse was something that neither of us had ever done before, so despite the fact that we were otherwise sexually involved, it made it a bit easier to avoid going to "sticking it in" and doing intercourse because of the fact that neither of us never had done it before. Of course, that wouldn't stop most people from doing it. So, why did we wait?

    I believe at the heart of it was the belief that intercourse was a sacrament of marriage. IOW, by having sex, we would be prematurely getting married. I didn't totally think of it that way then, my theology on it wasn't as developed as it is now, but I understood that having sexual intercourse was part of what married people did that made them "one flesh" and because of that, wouldn't be healthy either spiritually or socially to allow us to go there until we were ready to become one flesh, that is, married. Because when you look at the Scriptures, it is clear that having sex with another person maritally binds you to that person. Just like Paul speaks of having sex with a harlot makes you "one flesh" with them. (I can look up the verse if you need me to.)

    Of course, whenever we sin, God's mercy is there to freely forgive through Christ. Doesn't give us a license to sin, but if we struggle and fall, all is not lost. You will, as a consequence, miss out on giving your future husband a pure a body as can be had given the circumstances. I understand the struggle to hold off. Perhaps the above understanding will give you the desire strong enough to only be married to the man you deem worthy of marrying through sex, that you will refrain from having sex until the deal is sealed, so to speak.

    That's all I've got. I'll pray that your determination to reserve the act of marriage for the one you intend to marry and not for any old Joe only for pleasure, will win in the end.

  8. ILoveSex says:

    "By nature sinful and unclean. Really, I had no idea that kind of thinking still existed."

    It still exists because it's the clear teaching of Scripture.

    "I believe that man is by nature good…"

    God's word disagrees: Rom.3:10-12; Mark 10:18; Eccl. 7:20; Ps. 53:1-3; Ps. 14:3.
    If we are so good, then why did Jesus have to be made so bad? 2 Cor. 5:21. Why did Jesus have to die? He didn't die for good people, righteous people, healthy people…but for sin-sick, corrupted, sinful, dying people. The very fact that we die testifies to the fact that we are not good. Death is the wages that sin always pays out. Rom.6:23.

    Hugs

    • SecondMarge says:

      Maybe clear to your belief. I don’t debate faith. Christianity spans from those that still believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible to those that have a Lesbian as their priest. And all can quote scripture to justify what they believe.
      If I am asked advice, I must be truthful. the rules were made for those times, whether it is eating pork or oral sex. Once we accept that not every rule still applies, it is not difficult to understand how different conditions were for sex before marriage then and now. Once you accept that sex is not just for procreation, it opens the door.

      We should love our neighbor and accept differences in faith. Yes, I believe man is good. Not all temptation is evil. I love bacon.

    • MarriageHeat says:

      While Marge seems to hold the minority view here, we applaud you both (all) for sharing your particular viewpoints in peace and love.

      A great explanation of the difference between ritual holiness and ethical holiness is available here: Why all the wacky rules? | Clive & Ian | What's in the Bible? | DVD 3 < https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQbo7vuQfCE >

      Most Christians agree that keeping sex exclusively within the marriage covenant is a matter of ethical holiness and that the ethical guidance from the New Testament for the Church is still to be upheld today as the pattern for Christian living — 'how to' love God first and others as ourselves. This is the view of MH and the basis for our guidelines.

    • SecondMarge says:

      I thank MarriageHeat for publishing my views despite their being in the minority here.

      But let us also remember that only about 2% of marriages are between virgins. Whereas 100 years ago it was well over ten times that number.

      Another case of the line in the sand continually moving. Just as it has here at MH. Just as it has for me and many other contributors here.

      There could be a great debate about sex and its ties to marriage but this is not the place since it is dedicated to marital sex. And I respect that opinion.

  9. ArtRutherford says:

    Interesting Advice. (Wisdom) But watch out, Masturbation, although the Bible doesn't say anything about it, can be a two-edged sword. It's great for release, but, it can lead to other difficulties.

  10. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    ILoveSex, *I* love your heart to obey. It's clear you want to follow Godly principles in your future relationships, despite the fact that others haven't always followed them toward you. Perhaps your senses were awakened before their time, or maybe as suggested above, you would have been a highly-sexed woman anyway. I am. I believe, despite the fact that I followed my desire over my God in my teens and early adulthood, my high libido was designed to meet the needs of the man I would marry and to help me relate to and encourage others like me. It's not part of my sinful nature, but can be — and has been in the past — put to sinful use. When sex becomes an idol, desired above all else, it damages us and our relationship with the One who, I believe, should hold that position.

    I'm afraid I can't offer much practical advice for this stage in your walk, not having come back to obedience until well into my marriage. But even now, when I find myself faced with other circumstances in which I struggle to restrain my baser instincts in order to follow God's word, prayer helps. I'm not afraid to cry out to my God who loves me when I crave something I believe is against His will — or have done it and need his forgiveness. I ask for Him to conform me to His likeness in Christ, to his will for me. And then I just don't do the thing. Even if I already have done it a million times. I literally have to TELL myself no — sometimes every few minutes! I feel so weak, so helpless not to cave; and sometimes I do. But even then I can come back to him and be forgiven. I can try again. Little-by-little, the urge fades. The longer I succeed, the stronger I feel.

    But it's important to me that I don't make arbitrary rules for myself based on what someone else *says* is true. Yes, I listen to advice and Christian counsel, but I always take it back to the Word and read for myself what He says. Someone can give me guidance that is reasonable and good *based* on the word, and I might adopt it for myself. But if I do not see it the same way as they do, I have not sinned to follow a different path. Likewise, there will be things I need to avoid as I learn what leads me to be more likely to fall; others may not need these boundaries and I think I shouldn't consider them anymore sinful or foolish than me if they choose not to put them in place. Sexuality is only one of the areas of life in which this holds true for me.

    Hope this helps.

  11. Sarge says:

    Dear pnb2014.
    Here’s a couple of things that I can relate too in your situation. Firstly both my wife and I married as virgins, me at 21, and her at 20. You need to also know that both of us used masturbation while we were single. We didn’t talk about it until we had been married for a few years, but one night I told her that while on my deployments I still masturbated, this led to a very open conversation on the subject. For the rest of our time together we used mutual masturbation as a way to have variety in our sex lives, and later when it became impossible for her to have intercourse, we used it and oral sex as our mode of sexual connection.
    Now for the other way I can relate. My sweetheart passed away seven years ago and I’ve used masturbation as a way to cope ever since. At weak moments I look at pornography, but I try very hard not too. So I think back to our adventures together, or just use my imagination. MH is a great source of fantasy material for my self-pleasure.
    So my council to you is, stay strong and wait for marriage to have sex in the right environment, and stay away from porn. But do not put yourself through so much stress; I think God would rather you use self-pleasure far more than premarital sex. Oh and FYI. In the eyes of God you’re still a pure person and virgin. It’s not your fault that you were abused, and God does not hold you accountable. So, feel free to use masturbation and MH as a tool, just don’t over do it. Don’t get addicted to masturbation, or porn. But fill free to use the clitoris God gave you to stay pure in His eyes.

  12. Cuddles says:

    My darling Young and Lost

    My beloved is also on his way to me but I haven't been waiting as long as you. I'm hoping it won't progress into years b/c I want us to enjoy each other for as long as is possible. We'll have a lot of years to make up. I'm in my late 60s.

    I'm going to go out on a long limb here and assume that you are a worshipper — in song, I mean. I am too.

    For about a year now I've been doing something new to me. I've been 'soaking'. Like in a luxurious bubble bath that never goes cold and never wrinkles my fingers and toes.

    I can happily play one track on repeat for hours, days, even weeks. Sometimes it's a playlist, sometimes just a few tracks, sometimes album length or longer. I prefer "live" recordings mostly, there's an extra dynamic, but some studio work is also stunning.

    I'm listening to one of my single bubble baths right now. It's an Australian one (we're pretty fine at coming up with some goodies 😎)
    Your Grace and Your Mercy by Geoff Bullock. It fairly drips with anointing!

    That's the one prerequisite: anointing. An anointing that fills your home with the presence of the Lord. Or if it's earphones, that presence is in you and around you.

    What can I say about that discernable anointing? It's the Holy Spirit right here, comforting me, calming me, lifting my spirit, lifting me, raising my sights so I'm getting a little taste of heaven, raising me up in praise and adoration of Jesus my beloved, bowing before Him, surrendering, offering *me* before His throne in an act of worship all over again. Healing me, changing me, strengthening me, persuading me. Falling in love with Him again and again. Or just being in His presence and simply enjoying it. Not doing anything. Just being lost in the song. It gets so it doesn't matter. It's just Him and me.

    It's the anointing that breaks the yoke.

    It's a powerful, enjoyable, and utterly delightful way to invite the Holy Spirit into your home, your space, your personal space.

    If you already have some faves, give it a go. You've nothing to lose.

    Ask friends who are worshippers for some titles and you'll be distracted by beautiful music with an indescribable effect on no time.

    I'm finding that His mission to prepare me for my beloved seems to be easier if I've been soaking, and I'm aware of what He's doing sometimes. It's like being awake during an operation.

    Give it a try, my lovely. I have a growing collection of quality music (I'm extremely fussy, as I was a song leader) so I have more suggestions if you need.

    All my love
    Go very well
    Cuddles

    • Southernheat says:

      Love this Cuddles! Nothing better than sitting in His presence! Having the heart of a worshipper brings healing. Quote God's promises and learn His word. We shall joyfully welcome the Holy Spirit into our homes and into our lives. He is the Comforter! I like the Michael W. Smith song Surrounded.
      This is how I fight my battles. It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by you! With God all things are possible! We serve a mighty and a Faithful God who loves His children.

    • Cuddles says:

      @ Southernheat

      Guess who's got a new Bath Bomb now! Nothing like some effective warfare. Powers of darkness bowled over and fleeing!

      There are "holes" in my Christian and life experiences. This is one of them. I didn't know this song, yet Michael W Smith is a favourite of mine!

      Don't ya just looove soaking 🛀

      Thanks SH

  13. PatientPassion says:

    Hi Pnb2014! I'm so happy you decided to reach out for help! I'm a single guy, 22, and I've been through my own journey in the area of sex. I can't imagine it's anything like what you've been through, but I hope I can sympathize with you a little.

    The timing of your request may have worked out providentially well, because I've actually been thinking about several concepts recently that might help you.

    The first thing that should help in this area is to seek a thorough understanding of the dangers of sex (especially the dangers you're tempted to pursue), but also the beauty and purpose of sex. You need to know the ugliness of sex outside of marriage, like how it can mess up emotions, relationships and lives so deeply, as well as being a profoundly hurtful offense to God. That way you have a clear picture of the horrible things to run from. But you also need to know the beautiful design of sex, how God created it to be a huge part of marriage, which is the most intimate and fulfilling human relationship, and how sex can intimately bond you with your future husband in ways you can hardly even imagine. That way you have a clear picture of the goal you're aiming to achieve. Put some time into studying both of these things! When you understand them well, you will have the most ammunition possible to fight the temptations you know will lead you down a bad path, and the most strength to pursue the wise and beautiful path.

    The second point is a term I just started using called "sexual meekness." Meekness is not weakness. It is power kept under careful control so that it is not abused, but can be properly used for good. Sexual meekness means keeping our sexuality healthy and thriving, but also keeping it in its proper place. This might involve things like learning more about your own body, touching yourself to see what feels good and how your body responds (whether it's truly masturbating or not). Also take note of non-touching things that you enjoy sexually that you might not usually think of (like the 4 other "Love Languages"). Think outside the box and learn as much about yourself as you can in as many ways as you can! That way you can teach your husband what you like, both in and out of bed, and you can both be equipped as much as possible to make sex (and the rest of your marriage) amazing!

    Third, try writing letters and stories! Write letters to your future husband about how much you desire him, what you're struggling with, and how much it will be worth it to wait for him (then maybe let him see those letters once you're married). Write stories about you and your anonymous future husband: fantasies about what you dream real, God-ordained married sex might be like. Use those ideas to be future-oriented in your thoughts, not present-oriented where all the temptations are. Fix your thoughts on the good future, and not on the present temptations that say "I have to have it NOW!" God called sex "very good," and Philippians 4:8 tells us to think on things that are honorable, pure, lovely, commendable and excellent! We are supposed to set our minds on good things like intimate, married sex, partly because it crowds out the bad thoughts and temptations! (Keep in mind that we still need to be content and not set every bit of our hearts and hopes on married sex, even though it's good. We need to recognize that our only true hope and fulfillment is in Christ, and sex cannot ever be as satisfying as him. However, if Christ is the true owner of our hearts, sex as he designed it is so much more satisfying because he blesses it and because it points to the intimate relationship we'll have with him in heaven!)

    Fourth, when you do find someone you want to date, court and consider marrying, don't let your desires carry you into having sex too soon or even getting into an unwise marriage! Write out the things that you find most important in marriage, and discuss them thoroughly with him to make sure you are in agreement. I don't believe that you have to be "compatible" to have a good marriage, but you DO need to be in agreement on basic things like faith, values, worldview and how your potential future marriage and household should operate. Seriously, it's dangerous to overlook those things! In my own preparation for future dating, courtship and marriage, I've heard of so many problems coming up because people didn't talk about important things properly before marriage. Don't let your desires push you into marriage before those important discussions have been had to your satisfaction!

    Finally, do something that's good in EVERY situation: pray. Pray for help resisting and fleeing temptation. Pray for help in understanding and waiting for the immense beauty of sex and marriage as God designed it. Pray for the cultivation and control of proper, healthy and thriving sexual desires. Pray for a healthy and eager but contented anticipation of future marriage and sex. Pray for wisdom in finding, learning about, and eventually marrying the man that God leads you to. And pray for your future husband, that he would continually grow to be a more godly man, and a loving, strong and sexy husband for you!

    I hope this helps! My prayers go out for you and the journey you have ahead of you!

    • Pnb2014 says:

      Patient passion… I don’t know what your beliefs are but I just have to tell you that you hear from the Spirit in a POWERFUL way… all of the things that you wrote are truths that the Lord has pointed me to as I was pressing into this issue with him.
      It has become even more difficult since making this post as I moved very far away from my home and community in Texas and in Gods goodness he has been giving me guidance that I would otherwise lack as i have been navigating this season! Thank you for your honesty, kind words, and advice!

    • PatientPassion says:

      Pnb2014, thank you! I do believe the Holy Spirit can, and regularly does, speak through those who follow Christ. I pray you are right that the ideas I presented were inspired by him.

      I'm so glad to hear that God has pointed you toward these things already! I hope his wisdom rightly influences your attitudes and decisions, and that my words are able to serve as a reminder to follow what he has already taught you! I pray he would lead you even more in what is right and good, and that he would be with you in this season of change in your life.

  14. texasman76 says:

    My wife and I waited until we were married to have sex. We were both 25 and were glad we did. No baggage with both learning together without any guilt. We would make out, of course, and it would get harder to not go further once we were engaged. Therefore, we moved the wedding date up twice. You have to rely on the Lord's strength. Jacking helped me so much to keep myself until marriage. I would just think about how wonderful sex will be when we could be married.

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