What To Do

I’m new here and need some thoughts, advice, suggestions, etc.

I am at a stage in my life where I have discovered erotica, my own body, and enjoying the above. Hubs is not so on board with it all.  He just doesn’t get any of it: why a woman would want to read it or feel her own body. We have a good intimate relationship, nothing lacking there.

He does (I think) enjoy some fantasy at times. He will play it off like he doesn’t, but I have sometimes caught him looking over my shoulder. Also, he has walked in on me enjoying myself, and didn’t immediately walk out. But when he does, he will either have a comment or later say, “I don’t get why you like this stuff.” Then he will say, “Do I not give you enough?”

I always assure him before, during, and after. I have explained that I just enjoy the excitement and adventure of it. I try to enjoy the feeling. I know I need to be totally comfortable with it before I can work on pulling him on board or even coaxing him in. My question is, without his support, how do I get completely comfortable with it? Like how do I relax while enjoying myself? How do I not feel guilt, etc.?

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7 replies
  1. O-surfer says:

    Not really knowing much about either of you, this is tough to answer specifically. It looks to me as if you both love each other enough to be trying to understand each other’s position/thoughts. That’s good. Keep communication lines open. Perhaps even plan a getaway to a “safe zone” where you each get a chance to speak without interruption or judgement and take turns listening to each other. Love as described in scripture includes an element of sacrifice. Would you perhaps be willing to sacrifice your new interests for a time in order to help your husband understand how much you love and respect him? Perhaps the two of you could do a study on love languages together so that you can be sure he’s understanding how much you love him and vice verse. Perhaps the two of you could participate in a marriage encounter weekend like those called “A Weekend to Remember”. Perhaps you two could look into the webinars put on by the women behind the “Sex Chat for Christian Wives” podcast. They may prove helpful in both your communication and in your husband having a better understanding of your interest in erotica and masturbation. Even some of the things available through the app “Ultimate Intimacy” could be helpful in communication as well as other tools for intimacy. May God bless your marriage as you work together to build a stronger union.

  2. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    This is a tough one. I can only relay personal experience. My wife and I have been married for 20 years and it wasn't until 2 or 3 years of marriage that masturbation became something we both knew about each other. One night we were really getting into it and I got inspired to touch myself and I asked her to touch herself. She was shy and then finally started getting herself off. Again, this was 2 or 3 years into our marriage and we were about 29 years old at the time. I could see that she seemed very familiar with herself and how to pleasure herself. She told me she'd been masturbating regularly since she was 14. That night, watching my wife completely get herself off (I'd NEVER dreamed to see her do that), I saw something in her I'd never known was there–a woman very sexually attuned to herself. To this day, masturbation continues to be a big part of our marriage and we recognize that it's an act each of us does alone and more than occasionally together. As she herself told me, masturbation is not a "replacement" for me or something I'm not giving her; it's for her own self. So I don't worry at all that she masturbates. I worry not at all about her dildo or vibrator. And honestly that's what it is for me, too–for my own self. But it's also something we like to share together as well.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      I love this answer (but yours too, O-surfer!). There was a time when I was like your husband: I thought if he wanted to masturbate or got turned on by anything other than me, it meant I wasn't enough. But he finally got it through to me that it's just pleasurable, not a feeling of dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment in our sex life. I am more than enough for him, but he likes to love himself that way, too! And so do I! And some days, we like to love ourselves together and enjoy seeing each other in the throes of that self-pleasure.

      As for erotica, he may believe that—like some people believe about even romance novels—it could create an unrealistic expectation of sexual interactions. Maybe you could help him understand that you don't expect or want him to be anything other than who or what he is, you just enjoy hearing about what other people occasionally enjoy (or fantasize about.) And maybe you will pick up a tip or two to try out for his pleasure sometime. Is there anything wrong with learning from each other?

      As for how to be comfortable about it without his support, I guess my husband's example might be a good one. He had a particular toy that he enjoyed but that I was uncomfortable with him using early in our marriage. He saved his use of that particular toy for when we were separated by travel. He didn't hide it from me, but he respectfully refrained from using it when we were together. I don't mean to suggest that you should not masturbate unless one of you is traveling, but maybe self-pleasure and erotica could be something for when he isn't available for sex.

      I am assuming that when he walked in on you, you had made advances that he didn't take you up on or he was otherwise unavailable when you started. If he is feeling left out, that would certainly add to his resentment. But if he is just lower drive than you (and that does happen), he might need to learn about how people have different levels of interest and that they fluctuate with time. Neither of you is bad or wrong for being different from each other. But as everyone is saying, communication is key, and love puts the other person first—which goes both ways.

  3. HuskyKitty says:

    Hi Vickie! First of all, welcome. My wife and I have only been on this sight for a short while, so we’re in your same shoes (partially). There’s already some great advice on here, so I just want to say briefly that I think something radical and romantic could be the ticket. Maybe try taking that first step and including him in a mutual, masturbation session in bed? It would show him that you DO desire him and want to include him in your pleasure AND it would get him comfortable seeing you touch yourself and himself touching his own body as well, if he’s comfortable, in a safe setting. I don’t know the subtleties of your situation, but I’ve found that something bold and kinky could be a healthy step forward, in a controlled environment. It would show him that you’re serious about his pleasure too and maybe help him move in your direction. These things take time of course, but sometimes bold moves from a partner can be what lights the fire. At the end of the day, the Lord brought you two together and will sustain your marriage bed! Don’t lose heart. You found this community and that’s no coincidence. – Let us know how things go. Maybe try a reading him a story from this site too to show him that other couples can find adventurous pleasure as well, in a secure way? Food for though! – Husky

  4. Tulsa says:

    We had a conversation about masturbation soon after we got married. We pretty much discussed everything about it, the different ways we did it, how often, and how we did it the first time. That first time question, led to a 'show and tell', for both of us! It also led to a whole lot of sex that afternoon!
    After that, it was no big deal, and it became part of our routine. It led to me catching my wife taking care of herself, which, for me, was tremendously hot!

    So, since the subject has already come up, bring it up when you have a chance to get into detail!
    It's all good!

  5. Peterpan says:

    Hello Vickie, first of all, it's a good thing that you write these kinda thoughts to a place where a lot of people have positive experiences with sexuality and masturbation. It might be a good idea to let your partner read some of the stories here and most of all the comments. There are so many men with good ideas and lots of experience with their wives. And the ladies have quite some experience in the feelings you have. They love to masturbate as you do, so you can tell your partner it is a completely normal thing for a woman to masturbate besides having sex with their partner.

    And please do not fall back into guilt. Guilt is such a mean bitch (oops sorry, did I say that?) I have had guilt lots of years and that didn't bring me any further. Now I can let go of it, but I had worse times. Again keep talking with your husband and see if maybe a sexual therapist can help out(??).

    Also like I said earlier keep on reading here, the posts and the comments of all those great men and women here, sharing their experience and fun times, either with the partner or masturbating alone.

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