New Member With Questions

Hey everyone! I am new to this account but not necessarily new to the site. I’m quite young—I am over 18, but will not reveal my age—and I have found myself visiting this site repeatedly for years. I am in awe, and as I have gotten older, I understand that there is no reason to feel guilty to use this site to better understand a healthy Christian marriage, which I desire to be in one day.

I decided to make this account for two reasons.

1.) I want to be able to express my thoughts and fantasies without revealing my identity, of course, and without judgment. Everyone seems very kind and open-minded to discussing these necessary things. I need to work on being more sex-positive.

2.) I also want opinions on masturbation. I have done it since I was a child, and I only felt guilty about it when I became older. I have read many different articles on both sides of the topic of whether masturbation is a sin or not a sin. So far, I believe that the act itself is quite innocent but it can be harmful when you include lust and pornography. My fantasies never include anyone that I know, and are focused on more of the act of sex itself. This has led to me writing many great stories that I cannot wait to share with you guys!

I have also struggled with whether or not I should share these stories and fantasies. They’re very personal, and no one knows about them, but one day I would like to share them with my future husband! I also want to know if it’s okay to masturbate with a toy before you’re married? I know it seems like an odd question, but it is a daunting experience for a virgin.

Thank you so much for reading this! I would truly love to hear your thoughts and opinions in the comments!

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33 replies
  1. LovingMan says:

    Thanks for being willing to ask. These are loaded questions that you are asking. There definitely are different views in the Christian community on the answers. Here is my opinion: Masturbation while thinking of your spouse or future spouse is not a sin. I agree with you that masturbating while using pornography IS a sin. Masturbating while looking at nude photos / sexts etc. of your spouse is thinking of them so still not a sin. Writing (or reading) stories that celebrate marriage and married sex is also not a sin. Writing or reading stories that are about extramarital sex or swinging etc. IS a sin.
    Since God designed sex as a powerful and beautiful experience for married people I think it is sad how some Christians are so reluctant to talk about it. We do our children a disservice when we treat married sex as something dirty and nasty. We should be appropriate and not overwhelm our kids by talking too much about sex… and married couples should enjoy their sex life behind closed doors. But our kids need to know that sex is a normal and wonderful worthy experience in marriage and that is why we should have a goal to save sex for marriage. My wife and I read a Christian sex book (written by a Christian marriage/sex therapist) who advocated more or less the following: As married couples perhaps being more open to discussing sex with others might help other couples and help us in our own marriage sexual relationship.

  2. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    Welcome to MH! I hope you will share with us your fantasies and feel safe doing so. So long as they meet the MH guidelines, it's all good!

    On masturbation, my advice is to not feel guilty about it. I am now 47 and my wife 46 and both of us have a view of masturbation that it's perfectly normal. We masturbate together and by ourselves. I started when I was 13 and my wife at about the same age. I'm not sure if she ever used toys when she was much younger, but after we got married, she did get a few dildos and vibrators. I wouldn't feel guilty about getting some toys for yourself.

    A final note: Both Lauren and I have actually talked about masturbation and agree that it's not really a "replacement" for sex. We have a pretty great sex life and we still find time to masturbate. Masturbation fills other personal needs, at least for us, and so we both feel it's very normal and should not cause shame.

  3. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    P.S. On the issue of using toys on yourself if you're a virgin, if it's important that you remain a "virgin" until marriage, then I would avoid dildos and instead just use your fingers and maybe a vibrator.

    • PatientPassion says:

      I think it's important to add a note here that we need to carefully define what is meant by the word "virgin." There might be differences of opinion on what sexual acts end the state of virginity, but if we're going with the usual definition of "virgin" as "someone who has not had sex," then using a dildo doesn't cause you to cease being a virgin. I think most of us would agree that a human partner is required in order for a sexual act to be truly considered sex. Using a dildo may cause stretching or tearing of the hymen, but that can happen naturally in other ways too, and has no bearing on virginity. Now, if it's important to a young woman that her future husband's penis be the first phallic object to penetrate her vagina, that's a perfectly fine personal preference, but that is beyond the concept of virginity.

  4. Fearless Lunk says:

    It sounds Like you have a lot of healthy discernment! I think this site should most definitely be used as a “good example” for singles. To answer your questions: Yes, it’s great to express some of your fantasies and desires… or react to the posts on MH! Yes, you should continue to masturbate as a Christian single. Yes, you should feel free to use toys. My wife had some vaginal pain on our honeymoon, and I don’t think she orgasmed once. Looking back, I wish she had used dildos before marriage. Lastly, you might want to join the “Song of the Believers” website [Google it], which is a more interaction-driven site, but mostly made up of MarriageHeat readers.

  5. beyondSexTrueLove says:

    SingleDreamer, I'm happy you're so young and still your words show such discernment, now let me share my experience as a single 26 years old "virgin" guy with a high sex drive. I read the scriptures and don't think masturbation is a sin or is unnatural, as long as you are not consuming pornography and your fantasies don't imply real people and anything forbidden by God.

    I only warn you to not compare your future husband with the men in your fantasies, this could be very unfair!

    Hope I could read your erotic stories soon, don't deprive the world of them!

  6. LilaY69 says:


    We would absolutely love to read your sex fantasies, and I for one, personally, am very excited to read them. No need to worry, there is no judgement to other believers here.

    I have quite a number of sex fantasies myself, many in fact. I think sexual fantasy
    can be very beneficial in marriage, as well as to one’s own sexuality.

    I have a lot of erotic sex fantasies that I also wouldn’t seek or carry out in real life. My husband and I both use these sexual fantasies a lot of times to spice things up, and enjoy together.

    Some of these sexual fantasies of mine include things like same-sexual activities and/or extra marital and multiple sex partners. These are things that I wouldn’t do in real life, but only utilize and explore in our sex life and bedroom talk.

  7. Waiting Hardly says:

    There has been so much wisdom shared here that I only have a little to add by way of reinforcement. Yes, masturbation is fine and the Bible never mentions it, except in Song of Solomon, where it is in a positive light. In fact, the first few chapters of Song of Solomon are sexual fantasy before the wedding night consummation.
    Regarding toys, you are a virgin until a man has sex with you. Toys are a great way to find out what you like, and also to make your future wedding night less painful and more pleasurable. So use them. Plus with dildos, you can focus on what feels good without thinking of an actual man’s penis.
    Welcome to MH and a chaste yet sexually fulfiiing adulthood!

  8. LoveAll says:

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who has masturbated since I was young. I later was told how dirty it was and I was sinning. Well like the Easter bunny, that was wrong as well. I currently use a sleeve and full torso as my toys. I like them, but they are not a substitute for real intimacy. Enjoy fulfilling your sexual needs like a chocolate cake fulfills my sweet tooth needs. I'm new to this site as well. I look forward to reading your stories. Who knows, maybe I'll even post some one day.

  9. WakaWaka123 says:

    I can really relate to some of what you wrote. I started masturbating as a child and in my case I also discovered porn as a teenager (as many teen boys do). Now i'm in my 20's and trying to figure out everything and it can be confusing at times. The desire to share my thoughts is coupled with the thought and fear of doing so. I know that sites like this and forums like themarriagebed have been helpful and I try to be somewhat active these types of sites so that I can learn and maintain a positive outlook on sex.

    • SingleDreamer says:

      Thank you for sharing your experience! These sites are so helpful in steering us in the right direction

    • WakaWaka123 says:

      Yeah sites like this and those can be a huge help, if for no other reason than reminding us our desires are normal.

  10. Sarge says:

    Hello and welcome SingleDreamer. Masturbation is normal, and I applaud you for a couple of things. The first is that you don’t lust over someone you know, that would break one of the Ten Commandments. My late wife used to do that also, even when we were married and having great sex, but often she’d feel the urge and whip up fictional characters. I was deployed a lot, so she and I had to take matters into our own hands while separated for long period of time. And second is just that you are here and asking solid questions. To remain a virgin means to me that you have no sexual act, i.e. vaginal, oral, or anal before marriage. Some may see that as too strict, but urges can take over you and cause you to lose that most precious of gifts that God has given you, virtue. Vibrators, dildos, hands, or any other aid you may use is great, so long as it’s not physical. I’m excited to read your stories and recounting of your masturbation experiences with us. I’ve written a few stories, and have one pending completion.
    Stay true to your values, but explore your body so that when you find your husband, you’ll know how to help him in giving you pleasure, and give him pleasure using the vast experience MH has to share with you.
    God bless, and have fun.

    • SingleDreamer says:

      Thank you for sharing your experiences and great advice! This site has been more than helpful! Love this community!

  11. JohnE says:

    I think everyone has given you sound advice concerning the masturbation part of your inquiry. The other thing is for you to explore all the posts here on MH. You can begin to get plenty of ideas on how to heat up your marriage from a Christian point of view when the day comes. In the meantime, it's a great place to get turned on, very horny thinking about married life, and then you can relieve yourself through masturbation while thinking about your future spouse and how you'd like to turn him on.

  12. GoForItWifey says:

    For me, I wish I had explored myself more. I knew very little the first time I had sex and wish I had better prepared myself. It was years of frustration before my husband and I begin to figure it all out (we were clueless and stumbled all over). Thank goodness we did both learn more about our bodies through exploration, masturbation, and sex toys, our sex life improved tremendously afterwards. I do want to note that for us, we did discover apart from one another it has never been as good, we love the connection we have when we are together. Still I do wish I had gotten a good sex training prior to. Darn, too bad there are no schools for this… 🙂

    • SingleDreamer says:

      I love to hear the testimony! And I cannot wait to have that connection with someone one day! Sounds like my recent post, “The Wait”
      And sex education is so sad. It’s such a taboo subject nowadays because of the way the world has twisted it.

  13. Watts2 says:

    Hi! Sorry i missed this earlier. Good questions and I am sure they will be answered to your satisfaction.
    IMO there is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating, and even believe the Bible (Song of Solomon 5:2-5) encourages it.

    As to toys? Why not?

    Now when you do meet Mr Right, you will have to have a LOOOOOOONG discussion (or several shorter ones) on all of this BEFORE you get to planning the wedding.
    Because ultimately it is not just about you.

    • SingleDreamer says:

      Thanks for sharing @Watts2
      Hopefully this won’t be a difficult or taboo topic when it comes to that point🙏🏻

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