Help! I Need It Now
So I’m not sure if I’m doing this right or what, but I can’t take it anymore. I’m a 23 year old male and have been a Christian for about 7 months now. I have a high sex drive and it’s hurting me; I need a woman to love me with desire and who wants to just suck me.
I haven’t watched porn in seven months since becoming a Christian, and I haven’t masturbated in 7 months—so 7 months with nothing. I take cold showers also. I quit it all cold turkey, as they say, and have had wet dreams and more sexual desires than ever before. I like to think it’s Satan is doing it so that I fall, but I want to do it God’s way and get married to a Christian woman first, since I’m a Christian also.
I just want to be kissed, desired, treated with love, and be sucked off. I know the verse that says it’s better to marry than to burn with passion, but I’m burning, all right! I’m burning to be married and have Godly wild sex with my future wife, and I can’t do it. It’s just too much. I need a woman! I need to talk to someone… I don’t know anymore. I need a woman who’ll let me love her, who’ll let me suck and squeeze her tits, and kiss her. I want us to make each other happy.
I’m sorry if this was too much, but I’m on edge right now. I’ve been horny all day and have been as hard as a baseball bat. Can anyone help me? Does God want me like this?
Dude, you need to jerk off. You’re not “winning” anything by abstaining. I’m fact, it sounds like you are losing your mind. •• Studies have been done to show that people who go grocery shopping while they are really hungry spend way more and buy stuff they don’t need. Don’t play that game with marriage. And please don’t build your life, doctrine, and beliefs off of one single verse in the Bible. Go NOW and cum like never before. And just do it while reading MH instead of viewing porn. Enjoy… be happy… it is guilt-free therapy for body, mind, & soul.
I agree with this. I know when my penis has been as hard as a baseball bat, that’s how I relieve my natural sexual tension. It shouldn’t become habitual, and we should always reject pornography.
But sometimes the best way to cope with horniness outside of marriage is to stroke, cum, and move on.
Junior 2898
Fearless Lunk is right. Especially about reading and looking at MH in place of porn. Porn is Satanic. Jack off now. I am.
So sorry to hear this brother. It is one of the hazards of inaccurate teaching. But the reason the Bible never mentioned masturbation is because it is God’s way of letting you release sexual energy while you are waiting for the day you marry. It is a method that God designed into our bodies to keep the fires on simmer so that these crises can be managed.
Hope that helps!
I understand how you feel bro. What you can do is get productive and busy with your time. Surround yourself with friends and family. Go out to see a movie. Just don't be in one place, so you don't keep fantasizing…. The Lord help you wait till marriage.
Another thing you can do is confess these words: I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus and because of this, my sexual urges are under control.
I very much agree with playfulchild. Focus on other things. Fighting sexual desire continually keeps it in the front of your mind and that makes it even harder. The more you try to keep from thinking about a pink elephant – the more you think about a pink elephant.
I find it admirable that you gave up something you had grown to enjoy because you believe God asked you to. I agree that sex before marriage isn't part of God's design—mostly because I think sex defines marriage; it's how we move from friendship or romance to marriage. And for Christians, at least in this day in most countries, we go into it with one person that we hope to be with for life. So waiting until you've found the woman you can commit to love, honor, and cherish is good.
But that doesn't mean you can't have an orgasm! Obviously, your body is taking care of that for itself as you sleep, but that doesn't mean you have to abstain from self-pleasure until you marry. Nowhere—NOWHERE—does the Bible say that, even in the Old Testament. Have you had an orgasm? Wash and don't go to the temple today. Nighttime emission while in the army? Go out of the camp until sundown, and take a bath before you come back. Spilling your seed on the ground rather than give your brother an heir as commanded? Worthy of death. But the Bible doesn't *condemn* or even advise against pleasuring yourself to avoid using someone else selfishly.
I commend you for avoiding porn because most of the situations depicted in it are not Godly and won't encourage you on your path. Set your mind on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovable and gracious, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise, as Paul advises the Philippians. Sex with the woman you love and who loves you is all of those things, so thinking of "her", imagining the times to come, can be a good substitute for now. And the stories here are examples of things you can look forward to, provided both you and your someday-wife are in agreement.
Honestly? My advice would be similar to what's shared above.
Scripture doesn't speak against masturbation, but it does speak against lust – which rules out pornography (and not using pornography is beneficial for *so many* reasons). Along with that – don't picture friends, loved ones, or random people.
For example – say you like feet (or butts or whatever), and you see some out and about that gets your mind going. If you do masturbate, don't think about *that persons* feet (or butt or whatever), think about how much you hope to enjoy your eventual spouse's feet (etc.)
This can also be a time to explore your body. You can try solo anal play, or experience the way water hits you in the shower. These are pleasures that the Lord has blessed us with – things you can discover in non-sinful ways, and later share (and further discover) with your wife.
Finally – a thing that can be helpful is writing your own stories or fantasies. Keep it focused on just you and your eventual Mrs' (if it starts including others – legit, stop, and go for a long walk – and only go back to it if it can be refocused to just you and the eventual Mrs'). For me this has been beneficial in battling temptation, and given an outlet when our drives are at different levels.
Hope this is helpful.
I would even go so far as to say it isn't improper lust to think about someone who isn't your wife "yet" but could feasibly and rightfully be someday. BUT tread carefully; if the imagination leads to improper action toward or with said person, it hasn't helped you.
Still, there are plenty of stories on here about engaged couples who were able to save sex for marriage in part because they explored their sexuality verbally (and sometimes physically, but stopping short of intercourse) in the days/weeks leading up to the wedding. But it may be harder for a person who has already experienced the "real thing" to stop, so draw your lines carefully when you do find someone you want to build a relationship with. Hopefully, you can find a woman who is as hot for sex with you as you are with her AND as committed to waiting until marriage for intercourse. Maybe, like you, she hasn't always been so committed and is looking forward to meeting your needs and her own. But I think you will be as interested in helping her resist for the sake of her relationship with the Lord as you are for your own.
@CHL – i have no idea why it let’s me reply to my comment but not yours lol
Anyways, I fully agree with you. I’d be absolutely lying if I said I didn’t masturbate to my then girlfriend (which I felt guilty about at first) – later fiancé (felt much more okay about it) and now wife.
I meant more like “oh, my friend (or whomever) so and so is hot…” kinda thing.
Yeah, that is weird!
My thought on the matter is that even that is okay *if* that person is someone you could potentially ask out and begin to build a relationship with. Sometimes (maybe always?) it's that physical attraction that gets the ball rolling. But, yeah, probably not a good idea if the guy would never consider her "girlfriend material" or if she's already involved with someone else. That's not healthy or loving.
But the important point we are both making (as are others) is that self-pleasure as a way of maintaining self-control isn't condemned in scripture. Doing so while desiring a passion-filled marriage is a far cry from doing it while desiring what can not rightfully be yours. So I hope the OP will avail himself of it without guilt rather than ache and burn while he seeks the woman with whom he'll have that relationship.
Brother, I hear you and empathize 100%. I am a 34 year old single male who has never had sex. And I find myself burning with desire on an almost daily basis. I'm not proud to admit that I sometimes have turned to porn. It's not an addiction by any means, but when the urge is strong it's hard to resist.
But setting that aside, I'm not opposed to the idea of masturbation as a means of taking care of yourself while you're single. I'm grateful for the individuals of this website and others like it that adhere to Biblical principles but are progressive enough in their position on all sexual issues. The very few instances where masturbation was talked about in my upbringing consisted of little more than "masturbation always = lust and therefore it's a sin" with overgeneralized and (IMO) misinterpreted scriptural meaning.
I have very little experience with dating, having had only had two girlfriends in my entire life – (though I don't count the first one as I was only 14 at the time and we never even kissed). I've had anxiety issues when it comes to serious relationships; wondering if the relationship is right, if we're compatible, if she's "the one" etc.
The older I get the more I realize that I need to come to terms with my issues and be more proactive about my approach to seeking a mate. I have done very little since my last relationship in terms of actively seeking interaction. I'm hoping to mitigate this soon but it's been difficult given the current state of the world due to pandemic related restrictions on all manner of social interaction.
Anyways, I think a lot of good advice has been shared here. Know that you're in good company and you are most definitely not alone in your struggles. I know what it is like to have a high libido and to long for physical intimacy so much that it hurts. May you find a compatible mate soon. God bless!
So sorry you are struggling. I don't believe that God wants you to suffer and burn with desire. It can lead you down a path that you need not take. My advice to you is what several others here have suggested and that is masturbate. Believe me hon God understands. Sexual desire is a powerful thing and Satan can use it as a tool to bring you down. So pray and beat that meat like it owes you money!?
My prayers are with you, God bless and stay horny! ( but not too horny! ?)
You need to get a firm grip on your dick, which seems to be controlling you, rather than the other way around. I expect most 23 year old males feel the same as you; I know I did. I imagine your struggles are similar to mine at that age. Remember that this too shall pass. The majority of married men have managed to survive well past their 23rd birthday [before tying the knot].
I don’t know what your opportunities are for meeting someone suitable. Don’t rule out married friends, if you have them, as people who may be able to offer help at meeting someone. Married women often know of single women who want to meet someone.
Consider writing something to post on MH. It could be fiction or non-fiction. Choose an audience—your diary or journal, the MH community, the singles, male and/or female, on MH, the girl down the street who doesn’t know you exist, whomever—and describe a first date real or imagined.What’s your dream scenario for proposing? Your wedding is in the future, but describe your wedding day and night in present or past tense. Or imagine celebrating your fifth anniversary.
Or, perhaps learn to fly a helicopter.
Nice story. Be sure to discuss sex drive with your wife.
The story "A "Single" Memory", which was recently bumped by AMPed up (thank you SO MUCH ♥️), is, I believe, God's comforting answer for we horny singles, of which I am another.
Go read it, and the comments are helpful as well. There is also another excellent post on masturbation in the "advice offered" section which is IMO an absolute must-read as well. Both of these posts have been of immense help to me and I am so very grateful for them!
Go well and God bless ???
Cuddles xxxx
Here's the link https://marriageheat.com/2015/09/13/a-single-memory/
Hi, I have never signed up before, but love reading the stories. I could not stay silent when you called for help junior!
I want to help you in a couple of ways. Firstly, don’t think that either marriage or out-of-marriage sex will solve the problem.
I’m guessing that most of the guys checking out this website are married men who don’t get as much sex as they would like!
It actually gets more frustrating when you are married, but you hurt your wife by being selfish and desperately greedy and turn her off sex by your selfishness! All you can do is suffer and work hard to heal the hurt you have caused!
We men need to understand a very important principle in life.
We have an inset desire for a woman to give herself totally to us. It’s all of our desire, these stories thrill us because we imagine our wives giving themselves in full and complete ways, heart, and body.
Even though we have this desire, we actually don’t deserve a woman to give herself to us like that! However, God also desires the same kind of love we do, he desires us to give ourselves totally to him! He desires total surrender and love to him. He deserves it!
Why should we expect more from our wives than what we give to the all-deserving God?
I agree there is nothing wrong with masturbation, and sometimes physical relief is needed—without porn, of course! But all these quick fixes, quickies, in marriage etc. are not what we need.
As Christians, we need to focus on being a godly bride of Christ who surrenders all including our sex life. My marriage of 14 years has improved since I chose to surrender all and asked God to fill me with his Holy Spirit and help me surrender.
Yes, I still have my desires and struggles, but we must keep focused, keep loving God, and try not to think of our own desires too much! Keep actively loving God in worship time, prayer time, and actively sharing the gospel.
The closest thing to sex in our relationship with God is worship. How much time do we give to truly worshipping God?
I believe God will bless you; be strong!
Selfishness always ends in disaster!
If you need to relieve yourself, get it done and get on with loving God in every way you can. The more we love ourselves, the more frustrated and empty we get. We want to be loved, but the most important thing is God wants to be loved!
I hope this helps. God bless; we fight on together!
Hey man, I recently posted this on another similar post but you seem to need it too so here you go. I may catch a lot of heat from this community due to some of my views, but what I've read so far you all seem to be pretty accepting and understanding. I didn't edit or proofread this so please forgive any typos.
For anyone feeling tempted by porn, here's an amazing sex-positive organization that helps educate people about the dangers of porn. I've followed them for years, and they've helped me through a lot of tough times [link approved by MH: https://fightthenewdrug.org/%5D
I am also a single Christian guy in my mid-20s. I agree when a lot of people here say sex is sacred and that sexuality is a good thing. I do believe God created sex for marriage and to be enjoyed with your God-given spouse. I've struggled a lot with my sexuality. For a long time, I felt that I had to suppress it and resist it like it was some malicious part of me, but I've come to realize that's not a healthy view of a God-given gift. I've heard all the reasons why it's acceptable and unacceptable. I've thought, "Are guys really not supposed to ejaculate at all before marriage?" This led me to wonder what the purpose of sexuality was, and then specifically pre-marital sexuality.
The purpose of sexuality is two-fold: procreation and survival of the human race, but also to selflessly share yourself with your spouse and pour your love onto them without any thought of what you're getting in return. This is where the greek word agape comes in. Agape is the total and completely selfless giving kind of love. Sex and sexuality aren't meant to be transactional. It's not meant to be, "Oh, you've cummed, so now it's my turn." So if this is true that masturbation for single people like myself—not bringing about new life or the outpouring of love on your spouse—is outside the purpose of sexuality, is masturbation actually good? Yes, it's true that nowhere in the Bible does the word "masturbation" come up. 1 Corinthians 6 has a lot of good verses on the subject. I go back to 6:12-13 "Everything is permissible for me–but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me–but I will not be mastered by anything. 'Food for the stomach and the stomach for food'–but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body." Just because something is permissible doesn't means it's good.
Then we come to the question of what is the purpose of pre-marital sexuality if the purposes of sexuality in general don't fit within the reality of a single adult Christian? This is something I struggled with for YEARS!!! I read tons of material from both sides (pro & anti-masturbation). I read about what other people believed pre-marital sexuality is about and deeper into marital sexuality. I read men like CS Lewis, Napolean Hill, & John Eldredge, and others like Pope John Paul II & Pope Francis. Here's what I came up with (this is for male sexuality, as I am a male and have no idea what female sexuality is like):
1. Develop self-mastery
2. Practice and grow in patience
3. Discovering that you can be an impact player, a world changer, a mover and shaker
4. Preparing for marital sexuality
I used to think that, whenever I felt the urge to masturbate, I had to; this isn't true. You don't have to be ruled by your desires, you can control them. That mastery over your urges, feelings, desires, and cravings will lead to lots of benefits in other areas of life. This also goes along with what it means to be a real man. A real man is not an impulsive monster of his own urges nor is he a shy pushover. A real man, a man who is acting as God created him to be, is a dangerous man who is in complete control of himself. This is well-illustrated by the story of Beauty and the Beast. The Beast is a frightful creature, feared by many, but the Beauty is attracted to him. And does the Beast abuse her? Does he defile her? Does her assault her? No. But notice how he rescues her from Gaston, the epitome of toxic masculinity. There's a phrase "Demons run when a good man goes to war" because a good man is one who is a dangerous man but is in control to slay his demons and the demons of his loved ones/those around him. Look at Jesus's time on Earth as documented in the Gospel's. The flesh and blood Jesus was a dangerous man, but he had it under 100% voluntary control. Jesus knew whose he was and had faith that his Father would be there for him.
The male sexuality is a creative force. That's why guys feel so much tension, such a driving energy when aroused. That's why guys like you and me need to realize how much impact we can have on the world, and that doesn't necessarily mean we all have to be a Bill Gates or a Winston Churchill, but men are meant to be world changers. God gave us domain to rule the world. That's why he warns us of fleshy desires—because they detract from our purpose as world changers.
Marital sexuality is different because wives NEED to know their husbands love them, hence the whole "Husbands, love your wives" verse, which feels incredibly underrepresented in today's culture. Women don't just need to know they are physically loved but, most importantly, emotionally and spiritually loved. The world won't tell you this, but most women are far more emotionally aroused than physically aroused. Women NEED to know they're loved and cared for, and this is where the power of Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages comes in. I think another incredibly helpful passage for you is found in Napolean Hill's famous *Think & Grow Rich.* If you haven't heard of it, please go look it up; he has a whole chapter on sexuality and in it says:
The desire for sexual expression is inborn and natural. The desire cannot, and should not be submerged or eliminated. But it should be given an outlet through forms of expression which enrich the body, mind, and spirit of man. If not given this form of outlet, through transmutation, it will seek outlets through purely physical channels.
Transmutation is simply how we channel that driving force, and that's why a typical response to horniness is working out ("Hey man, just go hit the gym and get it out of your system") or cold showers because then your body has to produce a lot more heat to stay warm.
I don't think masturbating and releasing your seed to the world is beneficial in the long run. This is definitely easier said than done, and I am not married, nor have I been married, but I don't think masturbating pre-marriage is a healthy practice. From one brother in Christ to another, I hope you find the wonderful woman God has intended for you sooner rather than later, but I also hope you become the kind of man that will attract her. Women love confidence, loyalty, and compassion.
I commend you for your conversion to Christianity. If you're looking for some good books to read check out:
"Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge & "The Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis
I feel so guilty admitting this but my wife and I didn't wait for marriage. We had a very active sex life through dating. Sorry but that's the truth. I lost my virginity when I was 16, and my wife lost her virginity when she wad 18. I simply couldn't conceive of waiting until our marriage day. My wife and I were so hot for each other and the passionate sexual attraction for each other was overwhelming. Sorry but just admitting our truth.