Things They Don’t Tell You (L)
Growing up in a Christian home, I knew about sex. I knew sex was for marriage and created babies and that, one day, I’d be a wife. I’d share my body with my chosen one on our wedding night.
My husband and I were virgins when we married. We both grew up in church, he as a pastor’s kid, and our information about sex was very vague and basic. I knew a penis goes into a vagina—easier said than done. My first time his member was met with fear but curiosity. My heart beat fast. I thought, no way will that fit. I’m too small. We fumbled and struggled on how to put him inside me. The vagina and penis don’t magically line up together.
We both managed to eventually get him inside me, but what next? What do you do? We both figured it out pretty quickly, but it also ended quickly. I was amazed at my husband’s ejaculation. I couldn’t believe entering me caused him so much excitement, and I didn’t know it would leak out of me after. See, I thought my vagina would soak my husband’s cum up like a sponge; he thought so, as well. But it didn’t, so I leaked everywhere! Nobody told us about the clean-up or how to prevent yeast infections. Peeing after sex? That was foreign to me until I got my first infection. Oral? Orgasm? Sex toys? Positions? Fingering? We didn’t have a clue. We had to figure it out on our own.
It was fun learning, but I wish we had been better prepared. I remember being sore down there and couldn’t understand why. Well, those muscles weren’t used before and sometimes sex can cause soreness. No big deal. We had one position we used a lot until we explored and found more positions to try. I didn’t know how each position feels different and might be easier to do for both of us. Oral sex? You mean I can take my husband’s penis into my mouth and he can take me into his? I didn’t know until we tried. Orgasm? You mean there’s more to sex to explore? When I finally had one—Wow! What a gift.
If we had recorded our first-day sex vs. now, it’s different. We’re more educated and got better at it, but we were lacking so much information. I wonder if churches and parents can help people and their kids be more informed. Our wedding night was full of surprises we weren’t prepared for. Our sex life is a learning process, which we expected, but I wish he had more information to be better prepared. Sex isn’t easy at all; it’s a learned skill. Even now, we’re still finding and figuring out things.
I think there’s still a sense of shame around sex for Christians. I remember feeling so embarrassed we were having sex in our home and making noise. I thought, omg, everyone can hear us. The first time we had sex with my parents in the room across from us, I felt so weird and uncomfortable. But the worst I felt was going to church after my husband and I were married. Many knew we were virgins, especially close friends, family, and church members. I kept thinking, They know we did it. I’m so embarrassed.
Now, I’m more relaxed and understand sex is natural. This is what spouses do, what God created. I’m sometimes even the one who makes the first move, even in public, lol. I’ll gladly fuck my husband at home, screaming from the rooftops. We’ll fuck each other even if family or friends are at home or across the hall from us—we have a lock for a reason! And I don’t mind sharing tips to help others, though I know what worked for us might not work for everyone. A sweet young woman from my church group married her college sweetheart, and beforehand, she asked me for advice. I not only gave her advice without shame but referred her to this site. It has been a huge help and blessing.
So don’t be ashamed or embarrassed about sex. It’s God-created and approved. The world knows my husband and I love each other very much. Parents and churches, please teach more about sex beyond saying it’s for marriage. That’s true, but people need more information to prepare themselves, especially about yeast infections; they’re not fun to have. Peeing after sex is important!
Above all, tell them sex is a learning process. You won’t get everything the first time, and that’s okay.
We also were virgins. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary so this was obviously before the Internet by a few years. We were given a book, Intended For Pleasure, and it gave great advice about going slow at first, foreplay, that she might have pain, etc. Positive and helpful. We still had difficulties but that's not for discussion here.
Here let's celebrate letting go of the shame, learning to be sexual and enjoying God's gifts. In this same vein, I will be starting a new podcast after the first of the year that seeks to normalize sex for Christians through hearing the stories of how God has worked in their lives through the sexual relationship. Perhaps some of our friends on Marriage Heat will share their stories — perhaps even Pastor & Mrs. Honeymooners!
Amen. There's so much shame before marriage about sex but after marriage the shame is still there.
Everything you said churches & parents should do is soooooo true! I was married before but my future second wife (Melodie) & I read “The Act Of Marriage.” It was very helpful- especially for Melodie.
The first time we made love (on our honeymoon) I discovered that not all women like to be touched in exactly the same way. That was a surprise to me.
Telling our youth nothing but “No! No! No!” leads to big problems for some of them when they get married and suddenly sex is “Yes! Yes! Yes!” I think less Christian youth would be having sex before marriage if we were more positive about what a wonderful experience sex can be with their spouse- when they are married.
Early on in our marriage we got a book about sex positions with photos and instructions on things to do like G spot rubbing. That illustrated book and its suggestions really upped our sex life.
We don’t have that book anymore but it WAS helpful.
Yes, I agree 100%! It isn't taught and it makes us feel like it's taboo, which it isn't. We as Christians need to reclaim this area from the devil. He cannot own it where we are concerned! Thank you for being a wise advisor to those who need that guidance. I appreciate hearing from those who are experiencing sex. It helps me prepare for that day if it comes my way!
I agree with you 100% churches and parents should drop the shame and help educate the inexperienced regarding sex. I believe most things could be better without the trial and error that most go through learning sex.
Yes. This is a huge issue that needs to be addressed.
Great Story. Follow sexedfiles on TikTok for Sex Ed. info. It's not Christian, but very factual.
There *is* a lot to learn about godly sex, and parents and the church need to be empowered to teach it age-appropriately and matter-of-factly to their children/teens before they start learning a twisted version of the truth from their peers, schools, or pornography.
I'm currently taking a course at the Christian Leaders Institute called Sex Education and Conversations, and one of the units is called God's Design for Sex. The instructor of that unit is Ruth Beuzis, who wrote Awaken Love. She teaches Christian women (and men, with her husband) around the world about sex—pretty explicitly, too, from some of the slides she showed in a second unit called Opening Up the Discussion of Sex in the Church and Christian Community.
The course is free, though CLI accepts (no pressure) donations to help support their mission of training people for Christian ministry in the church, their homes and businesses, and life in general. I did have to take a short orientation course before I could sign up for it, though.
My second marriage was so much better sexually because we had both been married and had sex. I would never advise anyone to wait for marriage, even though I did and regret it still.
Marge, as you've told it, sex in your first marriage didn't focus on your pleasure as much as your husband's (if at all). I don't think having had sex before marriage would have changed that since having sex for all the years you were married didn't change it. To me, it's less about waiting or not waiting than it is about both people focusing on their spouse's pleasure at least as much as pleasing themselves, as you seem to have done with your second husband.
I *did* have sex before marriage, and none of them thought of anyone but themselves—because they didn't love me. Only my husband has loved me and made my pleasure, my orgasms, his highest goal during sex. And for my part, sex doesn't feel complete unless I've brought him to orgasm at least once (though if he doesn't cum, I can usually get him there the next day.) I like the emphasis of this author that parents and churches can help young people prepare for marriage—and maybe encourage them to look forward to it—by giving them the particulars of what can make sex great!
Certainly truth in your comments, especially about my first marriage. I am not recommending casual sex, one-night stands, hooking up, whatever most kids are doing today. There are caring people that would be interested in pleasure for both without a ceremony and commitment to until death us do part. Not sure how waiting until the ceremony is better than getting married and then divorced.
Very few people only have one sex partner for life. I do not believe God intended us to remain untouched into our twenties or thirties. Or that sex was a holy act any more than I think he wants us to sacrifice a goat to him. Or that the only time we can experience pleasure is if we both started as virgins on our wedding night. Again there’re reasons for what the rules(sins) were then that no longer are necessary.
One person reads the Bible and thinks it’s wrong to have electricity, and another reads and decides a man should have multiple wives… and so on. We need to use rational judgment. God wants us to use our brains.
I hear you. I agree that waiting until our later years to marry does make it more difficult to wait for and attain God's best for us and for his Glory; the world doesn't help by making it harder and harder to start a new family at the beginning of our adult lives—nor are we as mature today at that age as those who went before us. It just isn't expected of us.
But if sex is intended exclusively for the marriage relationship (and I believe it is) and marriage, including sex, is supposed to be an image of God's desire for a faithful and passionately intense relationship between Christ and his Bride, the Church (which I also believe), then even a loving sexual relationship between a man and woman who are *not* committed for life doesn't meet that purpose. Does such a life-long commitment require government sanction? Maybe not, but it has usually involved at least a public declaration of fidelity.
Of course, humans are imperfect, so marriages are also. But a commitment that reflects God's toward us means we do not forsake our relationship because of those faults—both parties can work toward reconciliation. Christ said as much when questioned about divorce. If *we* are forsaken by our spouse, then that marriage failed, but that doesn't mean marriage as an institution has. And second or third marriages are not only reasonable but advised in the New Testament, so virginity isn't the requirement for good marriages or good sex. It's just that sex outside of marriage isn't God's best for us or the other person. It isn't consistent with what He asks of us: faithfulness to our spouse and to Him.
Isn't it great that authors on MH are here supporting loving, committed married couples who want their sex lives to invigorate their relationship and giving examples of how free we are to enjoy sex within that holy bond? Isn't it wonderful that this author took this opportunity to encourage us all to help young couples go into their marriages with all the knowledge we can offer them about the nitty-gritty of great sex?
I completely disagree with this. Because sex is intended for marriage. However, we have to better prepare people about sex education.
Honeymooners, a good and important post.
I have from time to time been involved with marriage preparation, most of it is in a group, but I'll also talk to them as a couple, and I'll get them talking about sex.
Sex is part of marriage, but what does that mean?
For answers, I can get (as you have said) some that know penis goes in vagina and some who know a lot more.
I also ask them about their masturbation.
With that regard, I have two standards.
1. If you can't openly talk about sex you are not ready to get married. This is always understood.
2. Both should be regularly masturbating themselves. I'll ask if they want to have sex, what are they doing about it? Getting horny? They should be turned on by each other, he should be getting erections thinking of her and she getting wet thinking of him. The 'I do', rings, do not magically turn on the sex drive. I'll have the pastor come in and confirm that sexuality, sex drive, and masturbation are not sins. We do give guidance on sexual thoughts – rape, gangbang fantasies are out – if you shouldn't be doing it even in marriage, although not specifically sinful, if it is not a loving act of sex that is in your imagination – turn your thoughts to things more wholesome. When in doubt, imagine your beloved masturbating him/herself – it is in the Song of Solomon (chapter 5).
I'll also make a point that I, with a loving husband, still masturbate myself every day. (I love seeing their reaction, that this respected holy (I pray) woman (me), is a woman who masturbates herself.) I'll explain why their own masturbation shouldn't stop with the wedding. I like being horny, I like the crotch of my knickers wet, I like sexually touching myself, I like masturbation, I like orgasms. I consider it an offering of my body and sexuality to God. (I also like sex with hubby.) Also, when parents, we need to model a healthy, holy sexuality to our children, and since that includes self-masturbation, it means we as parents should continue our solo-sex lives irrespective of how much sex we as a married couple have together.
Sex can be messy; we can stumble and fumble. We are not animals that learn by instinct. We need to be open about it and talk about it in all its messy details. MH is part of the solution. For those reading this, you can at least start with your own families.
Amen, Sarah! I think we need to normalize masturbation in the Christian "cum"-unity. It is so good for both men and women. We also need to teach kids that it is a God-given gift that we can use as a weapon. I think parents should be giving sex toys to their kids and teaching them they should be masturbating freely without guilt.
I used to believe that masturbation was wrong and sinful every time I ejaculated because I used to think I was killing my children, haha. But thanks to this site, I can confirm that it is a really good gift, and it has so many benefits. In fact, I'm planning to purchase a sex toy for my sister's 19th birthday. I just convinced her that there's nothing wrong with jilling or jacking off, and she should be masturbating as a woman 🙂
Btw, Sarah, how do you offer your solo masturbation practices to God? Do you pray while you are jilling off or what do you do? That's really kind that you give glory even when you are giving pleasure to your pussy.
Yes, horny boy, I do offer my masturbation to God. It is between him and me.
I believe you are right that as a Christian, your sister should be masturbating freely.
I would hesitate to give her a sex toy; I didn't give one to my girls. (Of course, they all like masturbating themselves.) The only one I have was a gift to me, but I never use it. (I like using my fingers.)
I think a better gift for your sister is to introduce her to MH and Songs of the Believers. She should be in touch with other Christian women who can encourage her in her sexuality in a Christian way.
Horny_boy,
It has been a couple of years now, how is it going with your sister/
(It would be good to see her answer for herself).
I wrote this last year, it would be good for her to read, I would also suggest printing off some copies that could be shared.
https://marriageheat.com/2024/06/02/masturbation-as-sexual-purity/
Sarah K
sarah k,
At the risk of posting too many links (let me know, MH Admins), here is a link to a sex-positive church message. It is a "plain language" analysis of portions of the Song of Solomon. It is titled "The Book of WOW". Please feel free to share this with your church group, etc.
[From MH: Yeah, let's slow down the external links for now. We appreciate sex-positivity and biblical analysis, but we don't want to make a habit of posting outside links frequently, especially when we can't vet every resource. Sorry, but thanks for understanding.]
I definetely agree that the Church needs to be more open in terms of discussing sex. MH is at least a start. However this only works if everyone is guaranteed marriage which clearly isn't the case. I know several wonderful women in thier late 20s all waiting & abstaining but not a single marriage prospect in sight (abstaining men are pretty much impossible to find in today's culture). Another issue is that when the Church discusses sex, it's done with a very "you'll get married young" mentality. It's never catered to older singles, especially virgins, so it's pretty isolating. I would love things like dialators being encouraged for women who have sex for the first time much later in life to make their 1st time more comfortable because having a painful 1st time shouldn't be normalised. The secular world is doing a lot to let people know that this isn't normal and the Church should be doing this too since this might be a reason as to why women run away from sex in marriage, there's too much discomfort and their needs are not being met (also women don't often know what they want in bed).
We have to equip people on both sides of the fence, for marriage & singleness. If you're a Christian single for the rest of your life, you're never having sex and that's something that also has to be taught in Churches. But what runs the risk of happening is married people teaching how wonderful sex is and singles wondering if they're ever going to experience it within a marital context. It's all well and good being told that "sex is wonderful but it's only for marriage" but for those of us who are single and older than 25, it begins to be a bit tiring to hear that. Especially if you're abstaining.
We do need better sex education but it needs to be very nuanced to age and relationship status and what the person can handle. However, I do think the topic of masturbation should come up a lot earlier than it does (especially for women as this isn't encouraged at all) since it can give a good indication of what they need to be able to orgasm, thier drive etc. Frankly, masturbation has been demonised because it's such a tricky topic but I think for those of us who have much higher drives like myself, it can be extremely helpful, especially if marriage doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon, if at all.
SP, haven’t seen your name in a while, hope you’re doing well!
I was not a virgin when I married but I was when I first did it. I didn't have an orgasm. It was still nice. I managed to learn about sex on my own and my first partner was a nice girl.
Nora Hayden put out a good book on how to please women. Every young man should read it before pleasuring a woman.
I was never exposed to hardcore pornography until adulthood. I have never liked it and never will. I did consume a lot of softcore so i have no issues with foreplay. The only hardcore I ever watched was to get an idea of how it went inside and getting it in there. Otherwise, hardcore porn is worthless and destructive.
Finally, I can only stress a certain technique that seems to work well for us. Always tease and never completely go in until the woman is demanding it. Once you finally give in, it will bring her a lot of pleasure so just stay pretty much in and grind your pelvic area into hers. Once the woman cums, then more thrusting can occur. Works for us and gets us really close for full body stimulation.
“ I was not a virgin when I married but I was when I first did it. ”
Aren’t we all virgins until we first do it?
From my limited knowledge all women are different and assuming some instructions on pleasing her will work better than another is folly. It does “suggest” another thing to try which is always useful. But saying you should do this and she will love it gives false hope to the naive.
Is soft-core porn acceptable to enjoy and hard core the kind we don’t think anyone should be permitted to watch or read? My second husband was a mature man, had already been married and watched and read porn for many years when he asked me to join him. Well done porn is hot. Poorly done is crap. Just like movie genres, different people have different favorites.
Avoiding porn because you fear possible addiction is like fearing going for a walk on the beach because you fear sharks. Sexually explicit writing like MH and visual can be a great source to help with arousal. Even our sex drives. Teach varied techniques. I think it’s unlikely you will get addicted reading MH any more than being bitten by a shark in ankle deep water.
I think both Sarah and SecondMarge make good points. I think also much of this relates to educating our own children about sex and it all begins at home right in a Christian environment.
Hardcore porn is gross to me. I also make no assertion that softcore is more moral. It likely is not. Its just heavier on foreplay and probably less harmful on the developing mind of a teenage boy.
Also, I dont buy into the "sex is complicated" belief. It is not. These techniques have always resulted in heavy breathing and juicy wet pussies.
I contend that most women can be brought to orgasm in the ways I mentioned. Its solid advice supported by empirical evidence.
We were both virgins on our wedding night. We had to work out some issues in our first year of marriage (including an unplanned pregnancy). The implications in many of these posts suggest having to solve intercourse problems when first married is some sort of marital relationship tragedy. It wasn't for us and in fact solving sexual problems was sort of fun. There are some excellent books available on the subject. It is true we had to get over the embarrassment of "everybody will know". But if memory serves, that took about a week.