Opening Up About Masturbation
Thank you, MH, for being out there! I am so happy I have found you, and I hope you can help me with my issues. In short, I have been regularly and frequently masturbating for about 20 years now, but I have always done it in secret because my church says it is a sin. Now married for nine years, I would like to finally fully accept masturbation and introduce it to my marriage. If you’d like to hear more and perhaps offer me advice, then please read on.
I discovered masturbation when I was 14. Although I’d heard about it, I did not initially realise that what I was doing to experience amazing pleasure was masturbating. I understood it only a couple of months later, which led me to immense guilt and shame. I never told anyone about my secret habit—my church was very strict. I did not even confess it to the priest, which made me feel more guilty. I was trying to be a good Christian, but that habit made me feel like a failure.
Of course, I tried to fight it, but the urge was strong, especially at night. My body literally craved the pleasure, and once it tasted how great masturbation felt, it wanted more. In bed, I always struggled to fall asleep. Often I got shivers and sometimes fever, which went away only when I gave in and masturbated. So I masturbated every day or at least every other day. It gave me immense pleasure but also guilt.
When I turned 20, my hormones cooled down a bit; I was able to masturbate no more than 1-2 times per week. Once, I even was able to abstain for three months. I felt proud, but of course, I eventually gave in. I still remember thoughts going through my mind that day when I masturbated after the 3-month long break: “It feels so good,” “I love it so much,” and “Oh, no—I am a failure again.” Slowly, however, I was able to accept my predicament and came to think of masturbation as a lesser evil: I was a virgin, I did not have sex before marriage, and I was masturbating less than before. It gave me a measure of inner peace, except when somebody mentioned masturbation out loud, for example, our priest during a sermon.
When I was 23, I married my lovely wife. She is gorgeous and a true gift from the Lord. I discovered what sex is and was amazed. Now I thought I would not masturbate again. But I was wrong. Soon it turned out that married couples don’t have sex every day. My needs and urges kicked in, and soon I masturbated regularly, even though we have frequent, satisfying sex.
Now to my problem. How do I reconcile my masturbation—which I love to do, by the way—with the doctrines of my church? How do I open up to my wife and tell her the truth? Will she not lose respect for me as a Christian? She is a devout Christian herself. How do I tell her that for the past 20 years, I was secretly doing what our church condemns? I want to open up to her and be honest with her because I love her and do not want to have secrets from her. I also hope that introducing masturbation to our sex life could spark it up and bring some fresh air, maybe allowing some games, etc.
What do I do? Could you please help me? I have already found tremendous consolation by reading the articles on MH, but maybe you could give me some advice more specifically tailored to my situation? Thank you.
I'm going to ask you for some introspection: why are you telling this audience instead of your wife first? Have a conversation with her, then come let us know how it turns out. I’m sure she is a loving and caring wife and would be happy to help you with a solution.
You want to be a “good Christian.” We probably all do. But the problem is we define our goodness based on the rules we keep. That is anti-Gospel. That is claiming that WE are responsible for our own righteousness.
Secondly, you are not even trying to follow some obscure rule in the Bible. You’re just tying to follow your church’s rules… and your church is just flat wrong on this one. You are 100% allowed to reject church doctrine if it is a man-made principle.
Lastly, masturbation is wonderful… solo and with my wife. Mutual MB is our favorite position!! I hope you can have a breakthrough. Yes you’ve been keeping a secret. BUT you haven’t been doing anything wrong… you don’t have to wrap it up in spiritual baggage (when you talk to your wife). My advice, just ask “Babe, do you ever masturbate?” She will likely say “yes.” And she’ll likely return the same Q. She’ll hopefully be accepting of you, after you were just accepting of her.
Masturbation is completely normal and very healthy. It has many benefits. It is and should be part of a vibrant sex life. Have lots of great sex with your wife and also masturbate every chance you get. It is so true that the more sex you have the more sex you want. If you lovingly have this conversation with your wife I'm sure she will happily support you and become an avid masturbater in her own right.
Actually she probably would. It would add new dimensions to the marriage, deeper vulnerability, and even spiritual connections.
This is tricky in my honest opinion because masturbation should have been a topic that came up in pre-marital discussions about your sex life (likes, dislikes, etc.) before you got married. I'm not married (or dating for that matter) but I do plan to have this discussion sooner rather than later if I do ever date since I've also found out that guys have issues with women masturbating too (and I assume vice versa) so I'd rather not be with a guy that has a negative opinion on this subject.
Your wife deserves to know since this is something you do so often (which you already have recognised) so definitely tell her ASAP. However, you have to be open to both a positive or negative reaction. If she's fine with it, then that's wonderful and you might be able to introduce things like MH to her and spice up your sex life. But if she has a negative reaction to this (which is also reasonable since it's something you've hidden from her for years) it might break her trust and she may be very upset.
Hopefully she'll have a positive response to you telling her this and being open with her. But if she isn't as receiving and open to this new information about you, you must be patient with her and give her time to come to terms with this.
Good luck and keep us updated on how things get on!
While I do not believe masturbation is morally wrong (I have never found it prohibited in the scriptures), it has an inherent problem that married men have to address. Masturbation is easier than sexual relations with your wife. It doesn’t require you to work through relationship issues to enjoy orgasm. If you substitute masturbation for sex, you will be cheating your wife.
Hi @Frankie, I think this is a good reminder. In fact ANYTHING can replace sex with wife (work, ESPN, drinking, weightlifting, etc), not just masturbation. And I agree we should be careful about that. That said, the OP wasn’t suggesting he was replacing sex with MB or withholding anything from his spouse. So I don’t think we need to insert that as part of the issue. Not trying to be prickly, but just saying “Good point. But let’s go back to what the OP’s topic is.” 😄
Not sure which is more amazing, your church claiming masturbating is a sin or you having physical withdrawal symptoms when you stopped. I attended an extremely strict church when young. I thought they no longer existed. Just goes to show you how wide a range Christian beliefs cover. Easy solution: change churches; keep masturbating. Not as catchy as the line in the Godfather, but just as true.
Good advice. Needless guilt is never the answer.
As for your church beliefs, I don't believe it is sin; it's not even mentioned in the Bible. If you are not lusting after other women etc., don't worry about it and don't feel guilty. Masturbation is normal.
As far as your wife, I would have talked about it before marriage, but I know when you are younger, it is difficult to bring up things like that. Now that I am older, I for sure would any potential mate. I also would not marry a woman that said she never masturbates.
But, after being married a good while and not discussing it, I would approach it carefully. I would suggest you talk to her about how you enjoyed it before marriage and thought you wouldn't need to after marriage, but you still have the desire and you don't want to hide, etc. You might ask her if she did it before you married to break the ice. Maybe she did and still does, who knows?
I would end up saying you enjoy it but don't want to take away anything sexual from her, ever. If she wants sex, you will do that instead of masturbating. My wife and I have an agreement: I always ask before I do it, every time and never without her knowledge. That way, if she wants sex, she can have it, and I won't be wasting myself and leaving her empty. Also, many husbands masturbate during their wive's period; that is pretty normal.
I would start the conversation talking about before marriage first, what you did, how often and did she do it too. Hope this helps.
I am curious if anyone else asks their partner before masturbating? I have never heard anyone doing that or suggesting anyone do that. Then again masturbation was never an important part of my life until recently with the help of MH.
How did masturbation become an important part again in your life, Secondmarge?
SecondMarge, I started doing this several years ago. There are other men that do the same thing. It is not exactly a permission thing as much as I don't want to cheat my wife out of an opportunity to have sex. It is way more fun doing it with her instead of alone, and I won't end up "wasted" in case she wanted sex.
Peterpan the short version is I was raised strict Christian so no self-pleasure. My second husband encouraged me. He passed away and I need it more than ever and MH puts the idea in my head, like it is as I type this.
Ron33 no judgement intended. Just a new concept to me. I see your rationale, but certainly, there are alone times when your spouse will not be available for sufficient time? Several people I know have sex with their partner on a schedule, leaving the rest of the days open. Whatever works for you is great. Also, if I manage to give myself an orgasm, I am even more ready to have sex.
I think it is different for women and men. I am fine with my wife playing when I am not around, I have told her many times she is free to use her vibrator anytime she wants to use it. She doesn't very often, but I am perfectly happy for her to masturbate. For men, I think most after orgasm lose interest more and go on to other things, which is ok if you are traveling etc. But just because the wife is in town for a couple of hours is not a good time for most males to relieve themselves. When you are younger, you can overcome it, but as men get older their mental and physical refractory time gets longer.
Thanks for that SecondMarge. Wish I could talk about you about this on a forum or so. Hope you found your way in all this.
Mutual masturbation was some thing my wife and I did often. Especially when she was on her period or not feeling good for intercourse.
I don't know if this helps but my husband and I masturbate both solo and for each other. For us, it is a wonderful way to learn about ourselves and each other. Our only rule is that we share our feelings, experiences and sensations. It's a method of exploration and discovery leading to more personal connections.
New wife, sounds similar to my wife and I masturbating for each other. Although in our case it’s more often me masturbating for her, sharing my thoughts and our past experiences together going through my head while I masturbate for her.
I have mentioned another time in a comment that I have at times been involved in pre-marriage courses/counseling at my church. (Maybe MH can find the link.)
One of the things I mentioned was the importance of wanting to have sex, and how masturbation plays an important part, not just for dating and singles, but also in marriage. So New Wife, to read that you and your husband masturbate yourselves, both solo and for each other – I want to hug and congratulate you both – you have as it should be. 🙂
Cheers, Sarah
I found the link to my earlier that I was looking for.
https://marriageheat.com/2022/11/10/things-they-dont-tell-you/#comment-54704
Some great concepts and recommendations Sarah k. I just wonder if we start thinking things are necessary qualifications for a relationship do we eliminate too many people from an already limited population of Christians. Must they masturbate or accept you masturbating for the marriage be a happy one? Must they be virgins? Marriage depends on compromise, should that start before marriage? I think you have some great ideals that would make early marriage better. Does every good marriage have to include whatever we at MH find enjoyable? Oral, anal, pegging, fantasies, masturbating? Do we just walk away from an engagement if pre marital counseling reveals an unwillingness to participate? Even if both people agree, will they have the same thinking in 3 years? 10 years? 25?
Marge, you raise good questions. Here's what I have advised:
First is communication. They should be able to talk about stuff such as: Oral, anal, pegging, fantasies. They should also be able to accept a 'no'.
Sexual intercourse, that is part of marriage, a 'no' should only be for a period of time for a purpose. St Paul said not to deprive each other – married Christians should be having sex together.
On masturbation.
1. Masturbation should be looked on as an offering of one's body and sexuality to God. So I'm going to say yes, masturbation should begin before marriage – long before, and should continue in their marriage.
From my other comment.
2. Both should be regularly masturbating themselves. I'll ask if they want to have sex, what are they doing about it? Getting horny? They should be turned on by each other, he should be getting erections thinking of her and she getting wet thinking of him. The 'I do', rings, do not magically turn on the sex drive. I'll have the pastor come in and confirm that sexuality, sex drive, and masturbation are not sins. We do give guidance on sexual thoughts – rape, gangbang fantasies are out – if you shouldn't be doing it even in marriage, although not specifically sinful, if it is not a loving act of sex that is in your imagination – turn your thoughts to things more wholesome. When in doubt, imagine your beloved masturbating him/herself – it is in the Song of Solomon (chapter 5).
So in direct answer, yes, both should be regularly masturbating themselves before they get married; if either are not – they are not ready for sex, therefore not ready for marriage.
https://marriageheat.com/2022/11/10/things-they-dont-tell-you/#comment-54704
SecondMarge, I don’t exactly ask, but if I plan on masturbating before going to sleep, I’ll playfully ask my wife if she’d like to join me. Sometimes it’ll lead to sex, sometimes her just watching me, sometimes her joining in and sometimes she’ll let her hands wander on my body while I stimulate myself.
There are many things I have never heard of or know the reason for doing. Notification/asking before masturbating is not the first or last. I appreciate those of you that have educated me of the good reasons. And continue to appreciate the help MH has been in my own acceptance of my satisfying myself by my own hand or one of the toys recommended here over the years. I won’t say I am completely open and guilt-free about rubbing my pussy, I am now able to enjoy it even if unable to climax. Often I use a fantasy, some written here, some of my own imagination and not accepted by MH rules.
SecondMarge, I’m glad you’re not denying yourself the pleasure, and hopefully in time you will be totally guilt free and enjoy it to the max. Like you, I use a combination of MH, my own thoughts and a few other places when I indulge myself and tease the head of my swollen cock (which I can feel growing as I type this)
Well, Jack, considering that in 20 years you have not talked about masturbation with your wife, I'd say it's time for improved communication.
Your story implies you are Catholic; so is my husband, and I have also an interest there. I know what JP2 catechism says, and Evangelium Vitae. Neither is formally part of teaching, merely an explanation. And guess what? Pre-20th century, there is barely a mention, and total silence in the first few centuries. You do get some stuff like St. Augustine saying sex is only for pro-creation, but the Church does not accept everything a saint says, only what is in the Bible. The Bible supports masturbation (Song of Solomon chap 5), and the church has never accepted that masturbation is sinful and cannot do so (as it would conflict with SoS just mentioned.)
I suggest you read this and share it with your wife—tell her you were told about it, looked it up, and want her thoughts on it: https://marriageheat.com/2017/08/16/became-sexually-alive/
—- o 0 o —-
Song of Solomon, Chapter 5.
Vs 2.
I slept, but my heart was awake.
Listen! my beloved is knocking.
Vs 5.
I arose to open to my beloved,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with liquid myrrh,
upon the handles of the bolt.
It is about him in between those verses. There is a lot of myrrh in the Song of Solomon, but look: she is 'asleep' but her heart is awake, she gets up, and her hand is dripping with myrrh.
I would think that any liquid she had on her when she went to bed would have dripped off and be in her bed sheets. There is only one thing that myrrh on the hand of a bride in bed and dreaming of her husband could be: pussy juice. There it is in black and white. Her hand is dripping wet, this beautiful example of biblical womanhood was masturbating herself!
I have had some good Christians confirm that myrrh can represent sexual fluids.
Something else you need to know about this girl in chapter 5.
Who is she?
Chap 1:8 “fairest among women,”
Chap 4:7 ‘You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.’
Chap 5:2 “flawless”
Chap 5:9 “O fairest among women”
Chapter 6:11 identifies her as a Shulammite
. The meaning of the name is “From the verb שלם (shalem), to be or make whole or complete”
—- o 0 o —-
No talk on masturbation can exclude the topic of lust – good news, it has been addressed here on MH: https://marriageheat.com/2017/02/23/lust-new-perspective/
P.S. Jack, keep jacking off. It is good for you and your marriage.
If you accept SofS as authority on acceptable sex then sex outside of marriage, before marriage and almost everything is acceptable.
Were it not for masturbation I would not have been able to teach my wife about my body and vice versa. She didn't masturbate until marriage and as she learned she taught me about her body. How on earth can one know about themselves let alone expect another with out exploring?