The Thoughts of a Virgin
Hi, all. I’m new to MarriageHeat and have enjoyed reading some of the stories everyone has written. I’m 19 years old and recently discovered this site; it has been an interesting discovery. I have struggled with porn through my teenage years, and I’m trying to remain clean and work to glorify God and better myself instead of watching porn. It has been a journey, but by the grace of God, I’m hoping and praying that I stay away from that poison.
That being said, I am still a pretty horny guy; I just have to be honest. I crave sex, and I look forward to the day when I marry the woman God has chosen just for me and get to enjoy the beautiful gift of marriage and sex. I do struggle with that sexual temptation, though, and I guess I’m writing this to ask for advice and for prayers. I want to glorify God, and I want to better myself. I just ask that those who read this would pray for me. I know none of us know each other, but I still ask anyway.
While I haven’t been watching porn, I’m also trying to avoid masturbation because single masturbation is something I don’t support. I believe it will lead to lust and lead me down the path to porn. But I am still just SO HORNY some days.
Now, this is probably weird for some people, but there are times that I hear my parents having sex, and I can’t help but be turned on by it—just thinking about having sex in the future. I guess I’m sharing this and making this account to share my thoughts with you all. Maybe I’ll describe my thoughts in later posts, but I just wanted to share my introduction and ask for your prayers. I hope all of you have a great day. I know this isn’t a super sexy post, so sorry about that. I hope you have a blessed day.
Hubbie here: Welcome VT, good questions. Some thoughts …
* “19 and a pretty horny guy.” Been there, done that. So you’re not alone! The vast majority of guys deal with this. You’re not alone!
* It’s good to stay away from porn because it can be a dark spiral to a life you don’t want. The church has been uber-cautious, with well-intentioned concern for the person it could damage.
* The sovereignty of God and our ability to exercise our will is a complicated doctrine, outside the scope of this post or this site. But (1) God has chosen your future bride, and (2) she’s not going to magically appear some day. You have to get out, be involved, date, build relationships, etc. That can be a fun process. Sitting in a dark room jerking off to porn is not an effective part of the journey.
* I would gently challenge avoiding single masturbation. You are SO right that it can “lead to lust and lead … down the path to porn.” But it doesn’t have to. Read these MH stories, and fantasize about you and your future wife in similar situations.
* (Here, I’ll go bold and graphic) BE the horny guy you are, pound your cock, let your cum fly, and celebrate being the male God made you! Holy Toledo, it’s fun to glory in how God made us, and that includes orgasms!
* Now here’s the fork in your road. Yes, lust (desire) for your future wife! Don’t lust (wrong desire) for your neighbor's wife, or Tina from English class, or anyone here on MH. “Lust” is intense desire! Jesus has it for his bride, the church, I have it for my wife.
* Yes, flee lustful wrong desires. But don’t try to bottle up your 19-year-old, hormone-driven passion. Instead, focus and channel it to a singular desire for your future wife. Celebrate God’s goodness!
Stay with us, read, learn, focus your passion on your future wife, but also get out, get involved, find a church with a vibrant young membership, date, minister together, be as lustfully involved as you are lustfully horny. Go find your wife!
Hi H!
First of all thank you so much for commenting, I'm grateful thank you would take time to read my rambling and give me some tips. I thank you for your advice but I also have a quick question in regards to lust. I just worry and have question as to whether or not masterbation falls into lust. I mean would me "getting off" to stories on this site lead into it? I just worry. Like Paul writes in Romans 1 about those who were handed over to the devil and over to their desires. I understand sexual desire is good/created by God, but I don't wanna be a slave to my desires and sin.
VT, Good thoughts, and concerns.
And words are so important. You’ve come to the right place. I’ve been a sexual wordsmith for decades!
“I just worry and have question as to whether or not masterbation falls into lust. I mean would me "getting off" to stories on this site lead into it? I just worry.”
* let’s first kill “worry”. It’s great to be concerned about spiritual things, growth, pleasing God, etc. “Concern” often is positive, proactive, energized, leaning into it, etc. “Worry” is more along the negative, reactive, passive, leaning away, side. Don’t worry about stuff, but be a Christian young man who is concerned for your growth in your walk with Christ!
* Separate masturbation and lust. They’re not the same thing, and they don’t have to be linked! They often are, and that’s why the church often combines and condemns them both. But that’s too easy and not an effective solution to the horniness dilemma that many of us face. Masturbation doesn’t automatically and irreversibly fall into lust. A good concern, but a bad worry.
* “Lust” is a two-edged sword word, and we could use it more clearly. The Greek word used for lust, epithumeo, is used both positively and negatively. The context determines the way we are to interpret it. When epithumeo is positively used, it is translated as long for or desire. it’s best not to conflate the two meanings. So …
* Jesus longed and desired (epithumeo) to eat the Passover meal (Last Supper) with His disciples. Positive context, positive intensity, positive (I.e. not sinful) act.
* Paul and other NT writers talk about sinful lusts and desires (epithumeo) leading to sin and possible slavery to sin. Negative context, negative intensity, negative act.
So yes, your horniness, your out of control lust, your masturbation to inappropriate images and/or people, can and will cause great problems in your faith. But so will denying and bottling up your God-created male desire for sex and a wife and passion-pleasure.
You need to find that middle-ground where you balance the two extremes. This is true in so many areas of the Christian life, not just sex and desire. It’s much of what the post-salvation, sanctification walk is all about.
You won’t be perfect in this. None of us are. We are forgiven.
You can’t be sloppy in this. Some are. That’s who Paul is talking about.
I’ll say it again …
Stay with us, read, learn, focus your passion on your future wife, but also get out, get involved, find a church with a vibrant young membership, date, minister together, be as lustfully involved as you are lustfully horny. Go find your wife!
I have a reply which may be helpful to you. I was like you in loving the Lord and wanting to please Him while being single until I married in my mid-twenties. My reply, however, is much longer than acceptable here. If you would like me to send it your way request it at […]
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Single dude here.. I feel ya bro! I feel like I’ve found a nice middle ground of masturbating but not using visual imagery or lusting after someone. Not perfect, but it works for me right now.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this
Yeah man! Glad you’re here 👊🏼
Thank God you are horny. He made you want sex. He also makes us hungry and we need to eat. Eating healthy is the best choice… too many Big Macs can be like a “poison”. But you wouldn’t beat yourself up for stopping at McDonalds every now and again. I think it’s wise to avoid porn, especially at your young age. But, don’t freak out if you occasionally slip up and watch something erotic. You’ll be ok. Choosing not to masturbate is a costly and difficult decision… I wish you’d reconsider. It’s perfectly healthy (and not “lust” at all) to fantasize about what married sex will one day be like. Blocking that healthy outlet will lead you to making hormone crazed decisions and possible poor mental health. It is REALLY healthy on multiple levels for singles (men and women) to masturbate on their own regularly.
Hello! I made an account just so I could respond here. Thank you so much for being willing to post what you did. I am a 25 year old single woman who feels very much the same way as you do. I get aroused very easily, and have been searching for answers and what is right regarding masturbation. I agree that pornography is a bad thing, but at the same time this site, while it does get me aroused, gives me hope for when I do get married. I love how you said you wanted to better yourself; I also want to be the very best that I can be and be available to do God's will whenever I can. But at the same time, I know that these feelings and desires we have aren't evil; sexuality isn't evil, so what do we do with it while we are still single? It made me feel better to know that I was not the only one out there feeling this way, so thank you again. God bless us both as we strive to find truth =]
25 M here and in the same boat! Glad you’re here! I think you’ll find there’s a few of us here 😅
Yeah I agree and have gone through a lot of that back and forth you’re describing. I feel like I’ve been able to find a healthy balance for the most part. I’m still horny a lot, but I find that if I set aside time to masturbate while thinking about the right things.. I actually feel better and am less horny throughout the day. It’s almost like a daily ritual like brushing your teeth for me. Check it off the list then I can move on to other things haha
I appreciate your openness and honesty. We have all been there and fully understand the difficulty you face. Most of the advice you’ll get is of the sort of the variety of “just don’t” or masturbate to take your mind off your desire. Some may even recommend you just give in to your desire. While these solutions may offer some temporary relief from your sexual tension, there is the down side of guilt and sense of failure that you will have if you don’t take the high road of sexual purity.
My recommendation is a bit different. While there is no magic bullet there is a simple and straightforward answer. Although faced with the same turmoil and desire you expressed, we were virgins on our wedding night so I can tell you from experience my advice actually works. This will sound childish, but the way to combat immoral desire is to shift your thoughts from sex to our Lord. The chorus to the simple little tune really works:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things (the thing) of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
I know many who read this will consider me foolishly simple and not in touch with society today. It is true I have a lot of years under my belt. But truth of my youth remains true today. Time spent in prayer and Bible study and sharing Jesus Christ with the lost is time not spent fighting the desire to look a porn.
Frankie, I don't think you're "foolishly simple" at all, and I think your advice here is spot on. People can parse words and justify all sorts of things (and all of us have probably done so at some point). But at the end of the day, we answer to God's Word. I don't think anyone ever goes wrong pursuing holiness and purity in Christ. I mean no disrespect to anyone else in saying that when it comes to personal 'practices.' All I know, in looking at my past, is that I'd have been far better off (and happier) pursuing Jesus more fully than these other things.
They used to tell women that struggled controlling desire/masturbation to “get thee to a nunnery”. Amazes me that people are still acting like the process of exploring sexual awareness as a single is somehow evil. Or leads to evil. Or is against God’s will. While beliefs vary, I thought this kind of extreme fundamentalism was almost extinct.
While there are rare individuals that eat one potato chip and have to finish the bag, most can learn self-control. And the sooner, the better. Reading MH to masturbate seems to have become an acceptable admission. I doubt it has led people here to binge watching group sex porn. There is nothing bad about using erotica, whether written, video or photographs to achieve equal satisfaction. And if the desire becomes excessive it’s a good opportunity to learn self-control.
It is sad to allow people the victim excuse that looking at a nude picture has to result in missing school or work while indulging in sexual self-pleasure. It’s not porn's fault. Not alcohol or food's fault. A good learning experience is to use the erotica of your choice (MH is fine), achieve a climax, then move on to accomplish other things that are part of life.
To say looking at porn will lead to uncontrollable lust and becoming insatiable is demeaning and simply untrue. If a story on MH makes your masturbation more pleasurable, that is a good thing. If it makes you want to spend all night reading every story here, get control of yourself. You have free will. Only you affect your decisions. No devil, no porn writer. Don't make excuses.
Welcome to MH! I'm a virgin as well (27-year-old female) and this site has blest me very much. I've even written stories, which is fun. Your questions and concerns are great; I was in a similar place. By the grace of God, I've found freedom regarding my view of sex and masturbation. Biblical freedom, I should say. God has given us this gift and just because we are single we should not box it up and call it dirty or sinful. I'm convinced that SCRIPTURALLY masturbation is fine. In Leviticus 15:16-18, God is laying out laws about uncleanness. He says if a man ejaculates, he is to wash himself and remain unclean until evening. Then He mentions ejaculation involving a man AND a woman, implying that the man in the first scenario was by himself. Evidently God has made allowance for single people to ejaculate (reach orgasm) alone! I was glad to discover this. As to lust, I agree with everybody's comments here. You determine what you desire for. If God has given you the right wants (a Godly woman in marriage), then…that's what you want! I always picture my future husband and the things we'll do together while I masturbate. Lust can be good, as long as it's controlled and channeled in the right direction. For instance, I lust for deeper closeness to Jesus. I also lust for souls to be saved. These are only pure and good things. So your desires are right. On the topic of porn, I somewhat agree with the folks here. However, I think there's a difference between actual porn (the fake, glamorous, perverted stuff portrayed by unrealistic pornstars who have too much plastic surgery and Botox and spray tans and perfect makeup and always perform with weird, contorted positions) and homemade erotica (real couples filming their sexual sessions). I've come to enjoy, and be very turned on by, people who are simply capturing their real-life sexcapades. They aren't necessarily gorgeous or super-handsome (though I certainly have preferences about looks and body types), and they show the reality of how long or short or varied a lovemaking period can be. I've gotten ideas for when (and if) I get married. So I would say, if you refrain from lusting after the subjects, watching real erotica is not wrong. I actually started watching it in the first place because I didn't really know how sex worked! It helped take away the repulsion I felt. Now I think it's the hottest thing ever and I hope God brings me a man with whom I can experience it. Praying for you, brother! We unmarrieds are in this together!
You make some interesting points. Most porn stars are not very attractive. If they were, they would make movies in Hollywood. Speaking of which, those actors use Botox and have plastic surgery to get jobs in regular movies. The couples, police, criminals etc in regular movies are not actually couples, police, criminals etc.
As you said, one can learn a lot from porn. Watching women masturbating can give us techniques we would not have considered. And watching sex has always been part of people's lives, but now we usually do it on video instead of live. To me, sex isn’t some holy act. It’s just about the pleasure that encourages us to procreate, to go forth and multiply.
Sex is like Rock and Roll was at one time: evil, so we got Christian Rock. Porn is bad, so we get Christian porn such as MH.
Excess of many things becomes a problem. Porn can be like food or alcohol.
Hollywood movie actors kill and steal; does that mean we should not watch them? Or is sex worse than murder? Some Fundamentalists said not to read Harry Potter because it has witches, not to listen to Elvis because his hip movements were sexual. Imho, it’s all nonsense thought up by those that see things they want to in scripture, just like seeing faces in clouds or the Virgin Mary in burnt toast.
Treat others the way you would have them treat you. The rest, I say, is from someone’s imagination.
This is all spot on. Thanks for sharing your journey. Enjoy those solo orgasms!
Great response, LLL. You said it better than I could as a fellow single virgin. I’m curious to know, if it's allowed on here, where you’re finding this real couple erotica you mentioned? If you found it’s been beneficial for you, I’d be curious to look into it myself.
I think one takeaway from your comment, LLL, is that what causes one to stumble can be a tool for obedience in the life of another. Another is that there can be beneficial forms of something and harmful forms of it, and those too will be different for each individual, as will the amount of something that will detract from living a full life rather than contribute to it.
Dear Marge, sex itself has never been evil when enjoyed withing marriage, and sex isn't porn. Neither are MH stories because they are about married people finding ways to keep their sex lives both monogamous and exciting. I would go so far as to say the amateur videos that LLL describes aren't either if the couples share a lifelong commitment. (I don't necessarily think a license or ceremony are "required" for a marriage to be holy.) How one would know this is another question.
For Bighuged (and whoever), I can share some of the real couple erotica I’ve found… probably not on the MH platform (don’t want to lead anyone astray). So, while MH does now allow us to post our contact info, if you took a guess at my email, you’d probably be correct. 🙂 Feel free to hit me up!
VirginThoughts,
I'm new here and saw your post and decided to reply because I've been there.
Firstly, I've skimmed through the other comments and I'm inclined to agree with LLL and SecondMarge.
But if I had to give my 2 cents, it would be this: just allow whatever comes, to come. If you want to watch porn, then watch it. If you want to masturbate, then masturbate. Some might call me out and tell me that I'm encouraging you in the wrong direction but I've tried before to cut out all porn and masturbation, and guess what? It got worse. There's nothing like forcing yourself not to do something, only to grow in desire to do that very thing. I can tell you now, after allowing myself to watch porn and masturbate, I do it a lot less now. Your body will fall into balance if you just let it.
Secondly, take the morality issue out of it, which is the thing that usually trips up many people. Stop thinking that God is angry with you, because I know that's what I used to think. God loves you. Jesus was more of a pragmatic teacher then people think. His teachings had a lot to do with every day life as opposed to only dealing with the "moral". I always like to think of it this way, if I do no harm to others, then for the time being, I will carry on. But do I harm myself? If not, then I carry on. Do I waste time doing these things? If not, I carry on. Jesus encouraged us to make good use of the time we have and He wanted us to do good things to lead a fulfilled life. He didn't want us leading a second-rate life (which is the actual meaning of an "evil life" if you research the Greek word Jesus usually used for "evil"). He wanted out actions to make our lives, and perhaps the lives of others better. If you are watching porn and masturbating and it's not detracting from you leading a worthwhile life, then I would say it's not wrong. But if it is taking you out of your daily life, then rethink it.
But go easy on yourself man, you don't need this weighing you down. Hope this helps.