Is God Enough?
“Never fear answers, only fear running out of questions.”
Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5
(I definitely don’t have that problem; far too many questions.)
I saw a recent post on this year-old discussion topic ( https://marriageheat.com/2022/05/23/craving-marriage/#comment-58670 ), and it got me thinking. I had enough thoughts that perhaps it deserves its own thread?
I’ve definitely had the mindset for the last 15-20 years that God would *send* me a wife when I was ready (or whatever), and I don’t know how I feel about that mindset anymore. I’ve had so many people tell me I “need to put myself out there,” whether in Christian or secular terms, and I also appreciate the mindset given by those that encourage a more proactive approach. Perhaps it’s time for me to start following some of this kind of advice, get out there, involve myself in groups, meet new people, attend a (larger) church that actually has single women? 😉
But the other thing is that talking with an elder in my church recently, one of the questions he asked me was:
“If you never marry, would God be enough for you?”
I hate this question. I reacted rather vehemently against it. I would rather die than live my whole life alone! If I am fated to die alone, it might as well be tomorrow, not in 40-50 years! Things of that sort. And it’s easy for him to say God alone should be enough; he’s married! But the thing is that that question still keeps coming into my mind, and I still don’t have a satisfying answer. I’m afraid of the answer I did give. Am I putting marriage and sex above God or His sovereignty? Or is this something where I need to hold God to His promises, wrestle for it like Jacob did? There are elements in this relating to Prophecies spoken over my life, on which I’d rather not elaborate here yet—or perhaps ever. And of course, if there is a song that perfectly depicts my attitude for the last few years, it’s Veruca Salt singing, “I Want It Now” from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. OK, not really, but still…
But does God really have someone in particular picked out for all of us (or even just some of us)? Or are we failing to appreciate what’s around us because we’re intentionally sticking our heads in the sand? And what does the message Wait actually mean? What does Waiting look like to you? How do I wait patiently and faithfully while simultaneously accepting the possibility of it never happening? And how do I stop tying my own happiness to the expectation of fulfillment in another person and instead find fulfillment in God? Is it even possible for me—aren’t we made male and female exactly because we need to be completed by the opposite sex? The element of Surrendering to God in this is… difficult.
Are these questions that you struggle with (or did in the past)? Are these questions for a counselor/psychologist? Am I not “Waiting” correctly? Am I overthinking everything?
Hi! Such good questions and I can only be biased in my comment.
I'm married since the age of 31, four years ago. And no he didn't just come and knocked on my door as some would say should happen (especially as Christians?). Some people also say: wait and be the best version of yourself before meeting your spouse. I don't believe in these two pieces of advice.
I would totally get yourself out there and socialize, for I believe nothing God does is without our participation. Also, unless you really feel you need some working on yourself to do, one can grow into the perfect version of themselves in relationships as well. I've felt this to be true for myself.
I also believe God has someone for most of us, but again, not without our participation.
Before my husband, I was in a destructive relationship in several ways, but there I truly learned what I needed in a husband, and two weeks after I put that to paper, my husband came crossing my path and actually ticked every box on that list.
It was like a miracle, yet at the same time I kept putting myself out there. Cooperation, with God.
I understand how you're frustrated when they ask you if God will be enough while you stay single the rest of your life – so would I be! Man, God has created us for marriage and an intimate relationship with the opposite sex, so I'd say, why settle for less, even if it takes some years to find the One. God has put that desire in your heart for a reason.
And, if you get together with the wrong person, you always learn something from it: what you really need in a romantic relationship.
I wish you well in your pursuit of a wife and to simply not give up until you've found her 😊
I think there's a lot of truth to becoming the "best version of yourself," but it's also a process. The more put-together you are, the more the opposite sex will find you attractive, no? But I think that sitting around "waiting" for it to happen (or "waiting" for a spouse) isn't the best course either: I've been doing that for long enough, and being in my mid-30s I can see how it hasn't gotten me what I wanted. That thing about getting together with the wrong person though: I can see how every experience can be an opportunity to learn. At the same time, I'm not getting any younger and that seems like a lot of effort to put into something with very little payoff, it seems like a greater waste of time. I think the real problem is that I can see both sides of the argument and how both have excellent points, but where's the path with the happy medium?
Hi guys. I don't know when this comment will make it through but I just happened to be up and thought that since I wrote this nearly two weeks ago I should give a little update. I decided that it was a good idea to start going to counseling, and there is a surprising amount of inner healing and deliverance that I will probably have to go through. I'd certainly rather get that done with than carry a lot of my own emotional baggage into my marriage, and is certainly the most constructive way of "being proactive" that I'm doing so far. I have been trying out other churches too, because the (very small) one I've been going to just doesn't have too many people around my own age, certainly that are also single.
It's also interesting that from the time I wrote this to when it was published there have been multiple posts of a very similar nature posted by singles of both sexes. I suppose I held off commenting in some cases because I thought this post would communicate my thoughts. But also, I am now struggling with whether or not too many posts on this theme is helpful/beneficial to this community; I hope that I can make a contribution but at the same time wonder if it isn't taking away from the stated goal of this site. So apologies to all the married people who read this, but know that I also value your input if you choose to give it.
One of the other pieces of advice I was given which sounds good but is hard to walk out, is Matthew 6:33 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." I don't think it's necessarily something I've been doing as much as I could have/should be, and I'm trying to find out what that looks like, knowing that at this point I'm still doing it with an ulterior motive. I am of course hoping/expecting to get to the place that growing closer to God is its own reward.
One thing that I am still fully committed to is waiting until I find the right woman; I have no struggle on that account. Reading some of you guys' views on things like (what is now being labelled) "purity culture" has been eye-opening. I wonder just how much my own life has been shaped by having it drilled into me that I need to wait for sex until getting married, etc. I do still hold this standard that the woman I marry should also be a virgin, and by that I mean that I don't really find the idea of a woman with "a past" to be all that appealing, yet I have recently started examining my attitudes to decide if this standard is worth maintaining. Certainly I've seldom been troubled by the thought of marrying a young widow or single mother. But with the world today being what it is, it would seem that far too many women now have slid into promiscuity: at what point does Forgiveness for that outweigh the feeling that I would be doing so merely out of desperation to find a mate? Just something else I've been pondering recently.
I appreciated this post. And your additional comment. Counseling is definitely a must. I myself intend to get "pre-premarital" counseling just because of the questions and uncertainties I have about marriage. And yes, I get your point about forgiving someone with a sexual past. I struggle with that. It is a limiting view to only consider virgins (or widowed individuals), yet purity seems so important. I don't know. I'm a virgin and I want a man who has honored his body and the Lord's commands about sex. But I get that people fall and get back up and need love and forgiveness.
I too wish that my church (which is my only real social circle) had young people. Actually I would like all ages. But there are few faithful young adults in church these days. Most youth have left the church or left the faith altogether. Very disheartening. My siblings and I are the only teen-to-twenty-somethings in our church. There are a handful of little children and their parents and everyone else is 65+. But we love smaller, traditional churches, plus our pastor is amazing, so we don't want to leave. I can't help wishing every Sunday and Wednesday, though, that some single guy would walk in! 🤪
As to being fully satisfied with the Lord alone, that is a unique struggle to each person. For me, it has been easier due to the fact that my temperament and personality are conductive to contented singleness; my sex drive is sometimes tame and I'm very happy as I am. Also, I have experienced a great closeness to Jesus through personal trials. There were (and continue to be) circumstances in which I can turn to no one but Him. Human love and sympathy just don't always help me. Some of my issues are mental (I deal with depression) and the spiritual nature of God's presence has been invaluable to getting me through dark times. So, I can understand that for someone else, especially a guy with (I assume) a higher sex drive, marriage is way more desirable, and going without it is much harder. My encouragement to you is that you do keep seeking to love and get to know Jesus more. He really can satisfy our deepest needs. Besides, He is the one you'll have for eternity. Marriage doesn't carry over into heaven. Friendship does. Make Him your dearest friend. And invest in other friendships on this earth as well. I've noticed there are very few people focused on maintaining strong friendships these days. I myself have few real friends. But I am trying to change that. Blessings, brother.
LLL thanks for your encouragement! I've also heard from multiple sources some version of "if you're not happy alone you won't be happy with another person." I'm grateful that the MH admins were gracious enough to post my comment just a minute or two after I submitted it, I thought it would be better as an immediate addendum; also I must have written the original post longer than two weeks ago, maybe three or more? I wrote that right before I started counseling and I can definitely feel the positive effect that it's had in just letting God heal my heart, though I can't say I've enjoyed the process that much.
I think the problem is that until recently I WAS fine (kind of) being single, but the last few years there's been increasing dissatisfaction. And I guess when I was younger I didn't worry about dating too much because I thought it would happen eventually, but it didn't. And I just don't know how to feel about the "it'll happen" attitude anymore, which is why I appreciate hearing from people who encourage a less passive approach.
Really I don't even know if it's about the sex anymore, I don't even know what my sex drive is. For the last three years I've given up ejaculations for Lent, so I've been working on overcoming my body's natural inclinations in an effort to build up my sexual energy. Of course I want sex but even more than that what I really feel that I lack is just touch–maybe that's my love language? With respect, I'm still struggling with the concept that Jesus alone can satisfy that, but I appreciate your perspective, I think we're probably a lot alike.
Interesting post! I can certainly understand how frustrating it is to have the question "if you never get married is God enough" from a married person. But as a fellow single woman, he's coming from a good place. I often ask my single friends this: if you never get married, will you be happy and content? Marriage isn't guaranteed or promised to us, and as a Christian woman, the likelihood that I will be single for life is so much higher than that of a Christian man, so it's something that I genuinely have come to terms with. I am of the opinion that if God would not be enough for you, you are potentially idolising marriage and children. Both are good things, but they just may not be in God's plan for you. David wanted to build the temple, but God said no. Marriage may be a no for us.
Another person will never complete you. You are a whole person looking for another whole person. A full man and a full woman create a full baby. The egg within itself is complete and the sperm within itself is complete. When conception happens they come together and complete another whole baby. 1 + 1 = 1
Now as someone who has been single their whole life, I don't like the idea of "waiting". It's a lifestyle for me lol. But as a single, I travel and spend my money and time doing the things I love. I don't have to check in with anyone when it comes to my time or finances, which is a massive advantage of being single. I can see friends whenever. The main thing that I can't do is have sex. Honestly, that's it. I've built deep friendships that have helped me, and maybe that's something that would help you too.
But I would say this: there are a LOT of single women out there. However, I am of the impression that a lot of Christian singles are not attracted to each other, which is a whole seperate discussion. There are so many groups on social media sites with Christian singles, and the women outnumber the men by a longshot. If you don't want to change churches, try joining some of these groups. I would be careful with prophecies about marriage. There is a 1 in 2 chance of getting it right, and back in the day, more people got married. I think more and more false prophets are being shown up because something that was pretty much almost guaranteed in the past isn't happening anymore.
The thing that has helped me is praying for contentment and to be content whether I am single or married, because whatever happens, that was God's will for my life, and I would rather be in His will than follow my own passions.
Thanks for your thoughts SP, I remember reading a post here about the concept of soul mates being incompatible with a biblical worldview (https://marriageheat.com/2021/12/06/you-dont-have-a-preselected-soulmate/) and that has given me a bit of a different perspective. I think the "God doesn't have a specific person for you" argument holds a lot more weight for me than the "God might have fated you to be single" one, specifically because historically I think I've held myself back more than God ever has. Probably my attitude that I was never on the lookout for "a" woman as much as "The" woman, and perhaps my approach needs to be reexamined? I don't necessarily agree with all of that argument but it probably explains why I'm still single. I guess I can't give a straight answer or come down on one side or the other, too much conflict going on inside of me currently.
I'd like to hear more about your theories of Christian singles not being attracted to each other and why that is. I've had no problem in the past being attracted to Christian women, but they seem to have problems being attracted to me, so I've always assumed it was something wrong with me, hence my quest to better myself. Then again, what attracts me isn't necessarily a woman being "Christian," but everything else on top of that, it's kind of like it's so much of a given that I don't even consider it a positive as much as its absence is a negative. But this has me thinking of going off on many tangents and brainstorming it all.
And are there that many single women out there? That's encouraging, so thanks for the suggestion about social groups and them being predominantly female–I remember reading an article recently about just that subject, so you've given me something to think about, and possibly move toward.
I have a post coming out in October from somewhere on the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m not going to give it away here, but one of the hardest lessons to learn, whether married or single is to wait. Admittedly, I can’t see things from your perspective, but waiting is waiting. Whether it be for deliverance from something or an answered prayer for something. And while I have no idea what God’s will is for your life, I will say that His will for your life is perfect. He is making you perfect in the waiting. Not perfect as in sinless, but perfect as in maturity, perfect as in holy, and perfect as in grown up in God.
I will take nothing away from your struggle, but the struggle is where the growth is. The struggle is where we learn to be obedient. The struggle is where God makes us the man or the woman that He intends for us to be.
My own struggles, although different from yours, have taught me that God is more interested in my personal growth than He is in my happiness. That’s hard to hear. I know. But what do we really want? What is our innermost desire. Is it to please the Lord, or is it to please ourselves? That’s a hard question. Especially when the answer is “Lord, I just want a wife,” or “Lord, I just want to be married.” Since there’s nothing wrong with being married, it seems unreasonable that God would withhold that from those seeking a spouse. And in our struggle we could look around and say, “Lord, they’re not perfect either. Why do they get to be married?”
Believe me, I have a different point of view, but my questions are similar.
I can’t answer all of your questions, or perhaps any of them with any semblance of comfort or intelligence, but I can tell you to wait patiently for the Lord.
Psalms 40:1 – I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.
I’m not trying to Bible you to death, but the most important lesson that you can learn in life is to wait on the Lord. Take it from someone who didn’t.
Ugh, I hear you. The more different perspectives I get the better I can be informed; since you're only hinting at what you've written I will be looking for your post eagerly when it is published. I have some recent trouble regarding trying to move things forward in my own power but I can tell that there's a lot that I still have to learn about hearing from God accurately. And really, what does "waiting" really mean? Because the last time I asked for prayer in this area that was the message they all got was that God was telling me to Wait. But…specifics, please! How broadly do I interpret that when I was asking for prayer over something incredibly specific? I know there's never a time limit attached to that but I guess when I think of waiting it's like I just stay tucked inside my room and never come out, but it's not like I find any personal growth that way.
You might look closely where you spend your time. If you spending your time in Christian ministry (either professionally or as a volunteer) you will probably meet some high quality Christian girls – the kind you can really enjoy spending the rest of your life with. If you want apples, you go to an apple bin; not the lemons. Keep in mind that sex will most likely take something like 20 minutes a day. What you do with the rest of the day will determine how much you enjoy marriage life (including sex). This is 52 years of married life speaking.
Thanks for commenting, I really appreciate your perspective, especially when these days getting to 50+ years is (sadly) an incredible achievement. Can I ask you, when you say a high-quality Christian girl being the kind I could enjoy spending the rest of my life with. What does that mean to you? Because I have very little experience there: I have my own ideas about what I THINK I want in a wife, but I'm willing to listen to what you think really makes a lasting marriage.
I think that before even getting to sex it's like even having someone that would be willing to hold my hand would be nice, certainly a step in the right direction. I think I'm afraid that all the waiting I've done so far hasn't prepared me for any kind of meaningful relationship and that I don't even know how to even go about with baby steps. But what I want most from a wife I think, is someone that would be a true partner, someone who is doing the same work I am and would be a fantastic teammate. Someone who is going the same direction I am, is on a similar intellectual level. It's hard because I think my direction is far different than most people's, and I don't know how rare a woman I'm asking for.
I have started to attend a small group for singles that's attached to a different church from my own, so I think that's a step in the right direction. What I am trying to keep in perspective is that I don't want to attend any particular activity/group unless it's something I'd enjoy doing anyway, otherwise not only am I going in with ulterior motives but I'm also more likely to meet girls that just have dissimilar interests to my own.
Hello Faith-Manages,
Your vulnerability with these questions is awesome. Keep asking, keep searching. God is faithful to provide, just may not be how we expect it.
Unfortunately, I can only relate at some level to your questions, as I married young and still am. However, I have many friends in the same boat as yourself with the same questions. I hope I can add some fuel for your journey with the following:
1) Be Attuned – attunement is a skill every human can develop. Attune to your emotions, specifically where it shows up in your physical body such as gut, shoulders, head, etc. Emotions are integrated at our cellular level. Listening or attuning to our body leads us to familiar past events that first happened to us. It is a GPS to where we may need healing in our soul.
2) Be Curious – Curiosity moves us from a place of judgment towards ourselves (or others or God) to a place of understanding. Two-year-olds drive their parents nuts by asking "why" all the time. Why is the sun out? Because its day time. Why is it day time? Well, because that's how the earth moves. Why? Why? Why? They have a posture of curiosity to understand. We lose that as adults. Asking why of yourself leads to answers. Why do I feel this way? What are my expectations? Where did those expectations come from? etc.
3) Be Kind – Kindness is the gentle fruit of the spirit that you need for yourself! Be kind to yourself as you discover answer to questions that maybe you were not ready for! Kindness removes shame, guilt, condemnation, and judgment so we can find truth, healing, discovery, freedom and peace.
This may not seem to answer your questions regarding a mate. But I do believe they can be helpful tools for your journey.
Peace
Man you're getting a bit esoteric here and I love it. But I need to ask you to elaborate on your points:
1. Is there a book I should read that will help me understand what you're talking about?
2. This is good because I have nothing but questions. One thing I've heard from others is that God rarely answers the "Why?" questions though. What I want to get to though is a place where I'm asking the questions I need to be asking instead of just railing against circumstances.
3. I really have some issues with self-image and it probably comes from judging my worth by what I perceive to be others' opinions of me. One of the things I've started tackling in counseling.
I really do think these could answer my questions because what you're encouraging is self-improvement and I'm all for that. But I really just want to know what you mean by attuning my emotions.
No problem Faith-Manages, and no apology needed. When I was single, I struggled with many of the same issues – and I have never forgotten what it was like. For better or for worse, I have the memory of an elephant, particularly for deeply personal things. Having also seen the recent posts by our single people, my 'elephant' heart goes out to them.
Good for you for seeking/going into counseling. I'm in it myself currently; there is never a wrong time for it, if it's any good, and the counselor is any good.
I can say this for sure: no matter how perfect the woman you marry turns out to be, including perfect for *you*, there will be difficulties. I Corinthians 7 promises this, even as other parts of the Bible clearly indicate marriage is good. No matter how godly and pure she is—or you are, for that matter—things happen.
I can tell you this, too, as one who has experienced just about every relationship status except divorce:
Being single is hard. Being married is hard. Being widowed is hard. Thankfully, the latter, special kind of single status didn't last long before I started dating again, dating my now-current wife.
But there are benefits in all. My prayer for you is the same as the prayer for other singles: that you'll find the woman you love, and she'll find you, to the point where living without the other is as difficult to imagine as being married was before.
All the best, to you, and all of us.
Thank you! One of the attitudes I've been battling in my own mind just in the last few years, is this place of saying "My life would be so much better (or even just bearable) if only [THIS] would happen!" And whatever [THIS] is, whether marriage, moving to a new location, making more money, becoming famous, etc. Which of course is the wrong perspective because true happiness isn't dependent on outside circumstances. I think I'd be miserable regardless, hence the real need for counseling and I've been putting it off far too long: I need to examine which of my attitudes need to change, where I'm believing lies of the enemy, what God really thinks of me.
I met my wife a little later. She's a very pretty woman and I enjoy doing it with her. However, if I didn't make some changes, there was no way I could have snagged her.
Now we have three rugrats and have to steal precious moments to do dirty things with each other while they are sleeping.
That said, doing right by God with her was part of the change. Things must be done right. Do it all right and then do dirty things within the marriage together.
There's always room for self-improvement, isn't there? I guess sometimes you find someone to come alongside you and help you during the process and sometimes you have to put in the work before you can meet that someone. I appreciate the thought that it's never too late to change, and also never too late to find that special someone. Thanks for the encouragement!
No, God ISN'T enough!
He has blessed us with resources in addition to Himself, which He expects us to take advantage of. A stupid example to illustrate my point: in the physical realm, we NEED water. God sends rain, but we have to take it upon ourselves to drink enough of it. He gave us well drillers and plumbers and engineers to store the rain and get clean water into our kitchens.
On our emotional side, we NEED other people. God doesn't want us to live alone in a cave in the Wilderness, devoting every waking moment to prayer and scripture reading. Jesus didn't do this, at least not for very long. He was very social. We need friends and family.
In Genesis 2, He had no more than finished creation than He declares that it is not good for mankind to be alone, then goes on to describe the sexual relationship of marriage. This is old covenant, but in case anyone wants to dismiss it because of that, remember that Jesus and Paul quoted it verbatim.
God's desire is for EVERYONE to be married. In a sinful world, that isn't possible for everyone. Just as God wants everyone to enjoy seeing a beautiful sunset, due to sin, not everyone can. However, God makes allowances and provisions so that blind people can still have a happy and fulfilled life. Likewise, someone who cannot find a spouse is not condemned to a life of misery. It is better to be single than married to the wrong person.
Christianity has historically placed singleness on a pedestal, and continues to do so. However, that is not Biblical, as I discussed in this comment:
https://marriageheat.com/2023/08/22/the-longing/#comment-58833
Does God have a particular person picked out to be our spouse? Certainly, if God intervenes himself in our lives at all, this would be the area where He would do it. But no, I don't believe that there is a particular person picked out for us in most cases. I'm not going to explain why I believe this now. I just mention it in case someone wants to discuss it further.
Than you, I don't think that I'd caught your reply to LLL's post before this. I appreciate your perspective and willingness to argue the primary question I'd asked, especially with such forcefulness! You've definitely given me some things to think about.
Faith-Manages – you ask what I mean by being married to a "high-quality Christian girl – the kind I could enjoy spending the rest of my life with". That will mean different things to different people. To me it is defined by the girl I married. She is beautiful – in her 70's, she is not beautiful in the way a 20-year-old movie star is beautiful. She has an internal beauty that makes her attractive to everyone that meets her. She is a woman of prayer, always bringing the needs of those around her before our Lord. The younger women both at church and in our neighborhood constantly seek her motherly advice. I admire her, and I am fortunate in God's choice. She is so very easy to love. If I can find time, maybe I can write another in the Ron and Anne series that can better describe what a relationship with someone of this quality is like.
I wouldn't mind if you did! I've read the first few of your stories and enjoyed them so far.
I haven't been on the journey of a single man's search for a life mate for as long as you have, but I've felt many of the same things, so I can relate. You're not alone, brother!
There are several different things I'd like to comment on, the first of which is the main question you were asked, and are now wrestling with: "Is God enough?" Given how you reacted to it, and if it keeps continuing to bother you, I think that's a good indicator that something's not quite as it should be in that area. Only God can see the heart, but in my understanding, a defensive reaction like that tends to indicate some kind of insecurity. And I think you identified what it is yourself: you really can't give a definitive yes or no answer to a question that needs an answer, and that rightly bothers you, because it's a question that needs an answer.
While I agree with the point that ILoveMarriage made about humans being made with physical and relational needs, I'd still be careful saying "God isn't enough." I contend that God IS enough, in that he is our ultimate fulfillment, and any positive human relationship, even marriage, is a reflection that is designed to point us to the relationship we are meant to have with God. However, that doesn't mean we're meant to be monks and hide ourselves away from all the good things of the world! God created food and water and people and marriage and sex for our enjoyment, and created us with natural and good desires for those things! We do rightly desire and in some cases truly need these things to simply survive, but God is still enough for us, because it is God who supplies these things we need.
To expand on the question a little bit, I think what's being asked is really "Would you be content with your relationship with God in the absence of a romantic and intimate relationship with another human being?" If not, if you need that human relationship to be content, that's a problem. (It's important to remember, though, that contentment doesn't mean passivity or complete peace. I think it's entirely possible to be content, i.e. accepting your situation gracefully, and still have a godly ambition to be married. Contentment in tension with ambition, yet coexisting with it.)
Moving to another issue, I'm curious about these "prophecies" spoken over your life, and I'd caution you to take them with a pretty big grain of salt. I'm not advising you to necessarily disregard them entirely, but don't base your beliefs and actions on them. Anything said by men MUST be given less authority than scripture. There are many well-meaning and God-loving people who get carried away and say and do biblical-sounding but extremely stupid and even anti-biblical things because they "feel" led by the Holy Spirit or are otherwise convinced it's what God wants. Sadly, I know this from personal interaction with people.
Next issue: does God have someone in particular picked out for those who will marry? This is a question that has been asked and debated previously on MH and elsewhere, but I think I have a simple explanation. For those who will marry, I think that yes, God does have someone in particular in mind for you to marry. But that doesn't mean he doesn't give you choice in the matter. Very rarely does he say to someone, "Hey, see that guy/girl over there? I want you to marry them." He uses much more subtle means, which we often don't notice, to orchestrate the big events and small details of life according to his sovereign will, without violating the measure of free will that he created us with. We do still have free will, but it is limited and operates within God's unlimited will. So God gives us guidance according to his wisdom and will, if we'll listen, and doesn't force anyone to marry someone they don't want to. But if/when we end up marrying, we can know that's the person God planned for us to marry all along. Nothing happens outside of God's plan, so if two people get married, I find it hard to imagine how that marriage wasn't planned by God.
Now, I think for the vast majority of people, there's no special revelation ahead of time as to who they're supposed to marry. (And for those who think they DO have special revelation, they should be extremely careful and wrestle in prayer and scripture to ensure that's not just a feeling, or a self-made prophecy, but the actual guidance of God.) But the belief that God has someone particular in mind for you to marry, whether or not you think you know who this person is, shouldn't stop you from going out and trying to find them! You ask, "Are we failing to appreciate what is around us because we are intentionally sticking our heads in the sand?" That shouldn't be the case! Even if you believe God has chosen someone out there for you to marry, you should still be out there looking for that person in some way! There's a difference between passive waiting and active waiting. Passive waiting would fit the description of intentionally sticking your head in the sand. Active waiting is striving to be patient and content without a spouse, and simultaneously disciplining yourself to be a better, more God-centered person (and therefore a better spouse), and searching for that person to marry. That's how us single people should be waiting. And guess what? If this is the way we're waiting, then even if we don't get married for a long time (or ever), we're still growing as people, contributing good to the world through careers and ministry, growing closer to God, and gaining him as an increasingly close companion! To answer the question, THAT'S what good waiting looks like to me.
Next, how do we stop tying happiness and fulfillment to the hope of a human relationship rather than God? Marriage is understandably a place where people would seek fulfillment, because it can be a very fulfilling thing. But it's not the most fulfilling thing. Marriage an illustration of a greater reality: the place where we will find the greatest fulfillment (joy, intimacy, companionship, partnership, etc.), which is in relationship with Christ. So where better to look for the fulfillment we desire than in Christ? How do we do that? Just like human relationships, it's more nuanced than a simple formula, but there are key ingredients that can't be missed. A few ingredients that come to mind immediately are knowledge, experience and communication: we build relationships with people by knowing them better, experiencing life with them and mutually communicating our thoughts and feelings. We should pursue the same things with God through reading scripture (which brings knowledge of God, and communication from God to us), living out biblical principles of faith, love and more (and during our course of life we'll experience God's character in a variety of ways), and praying (which is the other half of mutual communication: from us to God).
Finally, as for the issue of promiscuity and the standard of marrying a virgin, as discussed in the comments, here's my standard. I am a virgin myself, and am committed to staying that way until marriage. I have a strong preference for a woman who is a virgin over one who is not. With that said, if a woman I'm interested in or dating is not a virgin, it would be a red flag, but not an automatic deal breaker. It's something we'd have to work though, and it would be painful for me to know that she had illicitly shared herself so intimately with someone other than me. But we could make it work, and still have a beautiful relationship. What it all comes down to is her current trajectory: has she left her sinful, promiscuous past behind and truly, fully given her life to Christ? Does she not just profess to be a Christian, but does her life overall witness to that truth? Her present and her future matter much more than her past.
Hope that all makes sense! I'd be happy to discuss more if you have any questions or points to follow up with. Praying for your journey, growth in Christ, and if God wills, a wonderful marriage in your future.
Thank you for such a detailed response! One of the thing I appreciate is getting everyone's different and unique perspectives. I'd say that I definitely have issues relating to God just from what's happened to me in the last few years, but going all the way back to how my parents modeled His love for me with their own examples which were imperfect at best. So there are probably things to work out in counseling, and if I do nothing else, this is the most proactive I've ever been about bettering myself and growing as a human being and a Christian. Whether it's in relation to prophecy or just my own desire for relationships, there's this thing about trying to make things happen on your own power and not moving in the will of God, or prematurely, and the longer I live the more I see the danger of that. I like your differentiation of active vs. passive waiting as it describes where I've been at (passive) in the past and where I want to move into (active) in the future; it's just how to find a balance so that I'm preparing myself better and moving forward while still waiting on God. Thanks for helping me articulate that.