Holy Love
My thoughts had been in turmoil. Because of all the failed or miserable marriages I see in the world, including the disconnection between my own parents, I felt discouraged about the whole thing. I’m already quite leery of men. So to observe even Christian men falling into sin or being weak has made me further protect myself and keep my distance. I fear getting trapped in a marriage where I am forced to pick up the slack because my husband doesn’t know how to lead, whether in actions, in emotions, or in spiritual matters.
(Granted, radical feminism is to blame for a lot of this. But not all of us women want to be independent, career-minded, don’t-need-a-man feminists! We long for strong, masculine men who have made the commitment to understand women and their complex emotional needs.)
All this to say that my mindset about marriage and romance was down in the dumps.
Last evening, a guest speaker preached at our church. His topic was God’s view of marriage and how two become one. His Biblical insights and personal anecdotes really uplifted me. So did the fact that he rebuked men for weakness and for not living in understanding with their wives. He also rebuked both for living as if they are still two separate people with their different agendas. And, refreshingly, he openly talked about intimacy, using examples of growth in that area in his own marriage. I don’t know that I’d ever heard a pastor talk about pulling off the side of the road at night to neck and “play” in the back seat with his wife.
He was probably in his sixties, but he was joyful and bold in voicing his desire for his wife and mentioning hers for him. That, in addition to his knowledge about how to emotionally connect with his wife, raised my hope again. At one point, I almost got teary. I was so comforted to know that yes, there are a few men like that out there. It may take a long time to meet one. But God knows exactly what I need and when I need it. So I need to stop giving way to despondency and fear.
As I replayed the message in my mind today, I imagined being married to such a man. We were seated together in church listening to this hot and holy teaching. In my mind’s eye, I looked at my husband. I was flooded with gratitude that I had found a man of Godliness and kindness, of strength, honor, and selflessness. And as my heart warmed to him, so did my body. I wanted to be alone with him. I tried to hurry him out the door so we could get home.
He held my hand as we walked to the car. I pressed close to him, just loving the contact with his body. He glanced down at me.
“Did that sermon make you feel the same way I’m feeling?” he asked softly. A smile sparkled in his eyes.
“Yes,” was all I said. But I met his gaze with such fullness of heart that I was sure he could read all the words I hadn’t said.
Once home, my husband made himself comfortable on the couch. I nestled in close beside him, twining my arms around his neck. He lazily wrapped me in his strong arms. Then I proceeded to kiss him. Soft, languid kisses that conveyed how much I loved him, how safe and honored he made me feel. His lips were warm. I loved nipping at them, just reveling in the taste of his power and gentleness.
“I love you,” he whispered, allowing his mouth to drift along my jawline.
“And I love you. I can’t thank God enough for you.” I stroked my fingers through his wonderful thick dark hair. “You’re the kind of man the pastor was talking about. How could I be so blest?”
“Maybe I’m the blest one,” he rejoined, smoothing his hands over my back. “I found a woman of virtue, more valuable than rubies…and sweeter than honey,” he added. Then he suddenly took my mouth in a more passionate kiss.
My need for him, to be one flesh with him, burgeoned like a rapidly-opening flower. But the strange thing was that this desire seemed to transcend every desire I’d ever felt for him before. It was so pure, so glorious and sacred. We wrestled out of our clothes and tried to touch and taste every inch of skin. I felt so peaceful within. When I received my husband into my body and we made love, I marveled that I ever thought sex was animalistic or dirty. Our love was holy. When it is done God’s way, with the person He has set aside for you, the whole picture changes.
Now, I’m back in the reality of my 28-year-old single self. Both content with this present situation, and yet yearning for a man with whom I can experience this holy love. I would worship the Lord by showing my hunger for the man created for me. We would praise Him together by fulfilling that delightful statement, “A man shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh”. No more will I relinquish territory to the devil as he tries to ruin every good thing God has made. I refuse to let my imagination paint marriage as doomed.
If I am granted the gift of marriage, I will fight for it with all my being. Because it is one of the holiest, if not the holiest, human relationship we can have on this earth. And why, may I ask, would we waste time in allowing married sex to be mundane, or even nonexistent? Husbands and wives only have this life to get it right. There is no marriage in heaven. When we are at home with Christ, will some regret that we failed to live out the picture of Him and His bride? I grieve at the thought.
So, I set my heart to think on this as the Lord would have me think. To prepare as fully and as wisely as I can. And to save myself for a man who has devoted himself to the same goal.
“If I am granted the gift of marriage, I will fight for it with all my life” – that is the sort of “fighting” we are called to; thanks for the reminder.
I also hope that common thought about the afterlife is off a bit! True, Jesus said that there is no marriage in the Resurrection, but elsewhere He points back to the Garden of Eden as the ideal. My hope (not that I've done a study on it) is that Jesus is referring to marriage contracts as a human institution and not sex/marriage itself! But whatever truly happens after we die, I also believe that it will be far better than whatever we have now and I don't think negative emotions like regret exist in Heaven.
That is probably true! I just do a lot of wondering about these things. Will we have memories in heaven of life on earth? Remains to be seen!
I actually believe that we will be with our worthy spouse for the eternities. For me it wouldn’t be Heaven without my Melody there. That is a teaching of the Church I attend – and yes I know that a lot of MH readers disagree with that.
I have met many people of different faiths who may not believe that there is marriage in the next life but they DO believe that they will be with there loved ones – including their spouse.
First of all: people have this view that what THEY (and everyone else around them) currently think is the one truth and that all others are wrong. Personally, I have the feeling that there are a lot of things that we'll discover after we die which will make us go, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Not that I don't have my own strongly-held convictions, but most of the things that people fight over aren't really matters of Salvation. I just discovered Emanuel Swedenborg, for instance. So that plus beliefs held by the LDS church and others (Greek Orthodox comes to mind), should show that there are very differing views on this subject.
LLL, I don't expect Heaven to be like Lois Lowry's The Giver! I think we'll remember all the pain and suffering that happened to us (and those around us) but that we'll look at it in a new light because we'll possess the Godly perspective that we don't now. We'll see how God's Plan was carried out through our suffering just as Christ's on the Cross did. It will add an additional spice to the flavor of our lives just like cardamom in pumpkin pie really brings out things I never tasted before.
That pastor seems to be very enlightened and furthermore he is absolutely correct.
I have often advised young newlyweds not to think that just because you slip those rings on each other's fingers that it is all a downhill ride. Like anything worth having, marriage has to be constantly worked at. You already have the right mindset. Keep the faith and you will find a like-minded partner with who to spend the rest of your life.
Just an FYI from a man's perspective. The value of femininity is not well understood by either men or women. Even in traditional churches it is common for the value of a women to she makes babies and cooks supper. Not that these aren't important, but it doesn't give a woman a day to day irreplaceability. So, when things get rough a man is basically going to quit unless he understands the value of femininity.
Men form friendships by trauma or at least terror. When these events happen this is your opportunity to draw close and form a bond that you cannot get by nice dates or long talks or common interests.
I often wish I could meet a guy under strenuous circumstances so I'd see his true character under fire. That's probably a big reason why I love WWII romance: two people in harsh or deadly situations that are thrown together and fall in love.
LLL I pray for you that you will be blessed with a good marriage one day. If I may be so bold as to give a little advice: Don’t be overly picky. Many people have sinned but come back to God. The ability to repent through faith in Jesus Christ is the message of Christianity.
I was a single father who had made some serious mistakes after my divorce. Yet I fully repented and I am so glad Melody let me and my kids into her life. In fact it really felt like God brought us together. She was older than me & never had been married. I was foolish enough to reject her at first but later figured it out. I’m so glad I did! She has a true testimony of the cleansing power of the Atonement of Christ.
I think my many stories and comments on MH testify to how great our marriage is.
You are so right! And I agree. I am only concerned about tying my life to someone who may be bringing a lot of risky baggage into a marriage. I want to choose wisely and not put myself in a bad place. However, I also know that everyone sins and we must all forgive, so I definitely wouldn't hold things against someone.
Sex is a beautiful gift from God and a wonderful form of worship to him
As a man who struggles with a very domineering wife, I feel compelled to respond to this comment you made: "I fear getting trapped in a marriage where I am forced to pick up the slack because my husband doesn’t know how to lead, whether in actions, in emotions, or in spiritual matters."
Please, I beg you. Hear my heart. We men all struggle knowing the proper way to lead. It's not that we don't want to do so. But we face tremendous pressures in marriage and in life to make the right decisions. We are terrified of failure. A wife who feels she needs to "pick up the slack" and tries to become the spiritual leader will surely beat her man down to the point where he CAN'T lead. Trust me on this. A wife who belittles her husband and makes him feel like he can do nothing right will tear him apart. I know this from experience. I pray every day that God will change her heart. I love her deeply. But she has no idea how hurtful that is. Ironically, the more she ridicules, criticizes, and condemns, the further away she is from me being the perfect spiritual leader she seems to think I need to be and am an obvious failure (in her eyes).
My encouragement to you would be that you lift up your future husband, encourage him, support him when he fails, and express your confidence in him. You will surely not be stuck with having to "pick up the slack." For, if you heed my words, he will move Heaven and Earth to please you and to lead you properly.
I apologize if I am coming across stern and scolding. That is not my intention. I just want to spare you from making a grievous mistake. In no way am I implying that you are domineering, for I don't know you. Please don't take me wrong.
God bless you, and I pray you will find that loving, understanding, adoring husband you seek.
Thank you for sharing that personal bit of your life! The advice is wise. And I agree with you because I too have seen marriages where the case is similar to yours. The situation I am talking about, though, was where the men never led to begin with, not that they had tried and were beaten down by criticism and nagging. Maybe Christian men just don't always know how to lead or understand what their wives need and want.
For my part, I long to have the heart and spirit of a woman that speaks upliftingly to everyone, especially my future husband. I'm working on that while being single! The thought of being insulting or critical pains me. I want my speech to "be always with grace".
I was moved by your post. If only more men and women could grasp Christ’s plan for marriage, we’d all be so much better off. The attack of the enemy on marriage has been so detrimental. I pray for you and your future marriage.
interesting comments here! I know my views are sometimes a bit left field, but I'm struggling to understand why anyone needs to 'lead' in marriage? aren't there enough power dynamics in the world? often times, when I see other of my female kind seeking leaders, its often because they don't want to take control of their own lives, I know this isn't true in every case, but its definitely true in many! either they don't have the self-confidence to walk their own path, or have had fathers or other male figures who have dominated from day 1, stunting their development. When I got married, what I sought was equity; a friend, lover, partner and help-mate who would walk side-by-side with me, through life. I don't want to dominate, nor do I wish to be dominated! I only mention this here because I do wonder if these power play dynamics contribute towards the failing marriages and stunted sex lives we see, where men are forced to be so-called leaders, with women forever subservient to them. In my day job, I'm an accountant, so by default, I manage most of our tax and finance stuff at home! my husband works in IT, so if something breaks down, you can bet I'll defer to him! that's team work, and that is the equity/playing to strengths I speak of. Sorry for the rambling, but speaking as one who entered a marriage slightly broken and (wrongly) thinking I needed a controlling man, its taken years of trying and failing and trying again, to realise that domination, even if dressed in spiritual clothing, is destined to fail. I wish I'd seen through this 14 years ago, before I'd got married, which is why I felt it was possibly worth sharing! May God enlighten us all in whatever choices are right for us.
Your observation is correct as well. I do see a lot of that unhealthy domination in circles (particularly conservative homeschool cliques) where purity culture and patriarchy and other extremes are practiced. I don't condone that. What I seek is a man who won't leave all decisions and planning and spiritual leadership to his wife. Otherwise, yes, teamwork should be the goal. The Bible says "submit one to another", so really, neither should be dominating! I just see too much of the other extreme, where women are left to handle everything and they completely burn out while the men are in their own world.
You bring up valid points, starlight! Leadership of every kind (in the government, workplace, and even marriage) is corrupted by our sinful nature, which is why we have all these problems that you rightly call attention to. But the ubiquitous nature of these sin-stained versions of leadership does not mean that we should do away with leadership altogether. The Bible affirms certain kinds of leadership, however flawed, and that does include a husband's leadership in marriage. Yes, leadership in marriage is flawed under the curse, sometimes deeply so. But as always, the solution is to turn back to God's ways, not run further from them.
So what is God's way, then? One major problem is that our typical human understanding of leadership often differs quite a bit from God's descriptions of good leadership in the Bible, so it's easy to misunderstand what proper leadership means, and even many Christians get it wrong. As a man who hopes to be a husband one day, I've done some study on what the Bible has to say on this and have come to the view that a husband's leadership is defined far more by responsibility and service than authority. Whatever element of authority there may be is of distantly secondary importance compared to responsibility and service. Husbands hold the primary responsibility to ensure their family's safety, to provide them with the basic necessities of life, and encourage them in their spiritual journey. Of course, wives are responsible for all the same things, but husbands are first in the line of people who are accountable before God for these things.
But this doesn't mean they are "in charge" and get to command their families like a king commands his subjects. While wives are called to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22), both spouses are each mutually called to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21), and spouses have mutual authority over each other's bodies (1 Corinthians 7:4), which means that the husband's leadership in a true, biblical sense is far from implying unilateral authority.
Christian men are meant to lead like Christ and like Paul, not throwing around authority or seeking their own power and benefit, but humbly coming alongside those for whom they have been charged to care, and loving them, encouraging them, and building them up. (See Philippians 2:3-8, 1 Thessalonians 2:6-12, and Philemon 1:8-9 for a few examples of this true biblical leadership, marked by selfless service and humility.)
That's my take! I don't have it all perfectly figured out, but hopefully it at least makes sense and has some measure of truth and wisdom!
Wow, what a good discussion going on here, and no surprise that, once again, our sister (the one day Not-So-Lonely, but definitely Lovely) Lady is leading it!
A few observations, part response to others' answers, and part experience:
I know what marriage to a domineering woman feels like, but feelings and emotions can be deceptive too, and more than a little troublesome. For both men and women. Albeit usually in slightly different ways, and I'm not gonna touch any of the usual stereotypes with a long stick.
The consensus among those still living seems to be that my late wife was the leader in our marriage. It is true she was older, more experienced than me both in ministry and in day to day life, including a previous marriage, divorce, kids, and then seven grandchildren (all of whom called me grandpa). But it wasn't always her leading. Maybe it's partly denial on my part, that our 26 years together wasn't that bad, but not all of it. All that said, as a man who is above average among men in touch with their feelings (or "in" their feelings, whatever that means) – I do know how it *feels*!
As for marriage in heaven, I'll go with what the Word says (I'll look up the reference or let someone find it, later). Once the marriage ends on earth, that's it. *But* I believe that special relationship remains. Forever. I don't know if I can put it any clearer than that.
Hard as it is for me to imagine heaven without sex, I don't actually believe it will be there, at least as we know it. It's heaven – it has to be something better than that. Hard as that is to imagine! Whew! Again, a discussion for another day.
My wife (current) has a little of everything. Our love life – off the charts. Her affirming and respecting me as the husband – constant. Not perfect. I tell her: you're right, you can be a handful. But you're *my* handful!😊
LLL, you're clearly a very intelligent woman, so there is nothing I need to or really can add other than my insights. But may I just say, your posts help bring me down to earth when a part of me gets a little too "out there* in reverie of sex itself. Thank you for that, even though we'll probably never meet this side of heaven. Meanwhile, I'm still praying and waiting for that report that the Lovely Lady is lonely-no-more.
That was very kind! Thank you! I love reading all the wise thoughts that each person contributes here. I love this site! If I ever find my heaven-sent man, I guess I could go by LovelyLovedLady!