Married with No Children
Many of you have followed my journey of sexual awakening and transformation, and you know many of my views and opinions. I have before expressed the belief that I am not meant to ever be a mother, for a variety of reasons. I don’t want to be too specific, for the sake of anonymity, but I will list a few.
For one, my health is not great. I have ongoing issues, some of which are directly related to my reproductive cycle. That’s a major area that I need to find answers for before I even enter marriage, because…a woman can’t work with her cycle to achieve or avoid pregnancy if she doesn’t even know what’s going on!
Second, I have zero pain tolerance. Sometimes I joke that I’d rather take a bullet than go through things like vomiting or a sore throat, just because it’s so hard to endure. Then I watched my sister and other women of my acquaintance go through pregnancy and it solidified my decision that I could not handle the pain that the nine months and the birth entail.
Third, I am mentally and physiologically wired so that I get extremely nervous about any kind of medical visit or treatment. I’ve struggled with this from childhood. Nerves take over and I have experienced crying spells, fainting, and an upset stomach. It has gotten no easier as I’ve aged, which is not encouraging. I don’t get why some people just breeze through a doctor or dentist appointment and others, like myself, just cannot overcome the physical nervousness. And believe me, I try every time, with prayer, Scripture quoting, deep breathing, self-talk, etc. For anything more major than an eye exam, it doesn’t really work. That’s why I am trying to not put myself in that position, if I can help it.
Fourth (and this is one of the biggest), I believe that parenting is a calling and a profession, which, if you commit to it, you are bound to stick with faithfully, especially if you are a Christian. The responsibility of raising a child for the first eighteen years of its life is very serious and special. I do not sense that calling. Just as I know I’m not called to be an engineer or a nurse or a jungle missionary, I know what strengths God has given me and a general idea of how He wants me to use them for His glory and to spread His Gospel.
Now marriage may be part of His plan; I can see myself married to a man who is just as on fire for Christ as I am (hopefully even more so!) and working with him to reach others. But marriage would be a big enough task for me. That would be my number-one mission anyhow, since we are to love our spouses first, then love others. So adding children into the dynamic would just be overwhelming.
This might sound like I’m trying to run away from the truth, or I’m afraid of a challenge. I promise I’m not! I’ve just come to view these aspects of life in the way that we generally view everything else: with wisdom and common sense. If you’re not meant to do something, don’t take it on just because it’s expected.
My problem is that I’ve found very little commentary on this subject. One Christian Youtuber and radio show host that I really enjoy actually does take my stance, and he cited some Biblical themes that supported it. But I’d really like to hear what others have to say. Is it okay to make that choice to marry but not have kids? Does anyone see a Scriptural reason to not do so?
My fifth reason is that I have no mother instinct. That may sound really weird, and I don’t mean that I don’t like children or I couldn’t care less about them. Not at all. I love children and would protect and nurture any child in my care; plus I have a particular burden for foster care, adoption, and defending the unborn. But when I’m actually around children, I have no rapport with them. I don’t even know how to converse with them! It’s kind of funny and doesn’t bother me. I am way more comfortable around the elderly, and that is definitely an area where I love to minister.
So, putting it all together, I am convinced I’m not meant to be a mother. I’m not like my sisters, who have always longed for motherhood, but it doesn’t grieve me or make me feel as if I’m missing something big from my life. For me, it’s…normal. Again, though, I want to dialogue about this.
Are there couples who have chosen this same path? Are there any singles here who are leaning this way? Obviously, I am praying for a man that shares this view, so the wait continues.
LLL, I’ve always loved your stories. I think that if n when you marry you and your husband will be very happy.
This issues you have to not become a mother are pretty complex. I feel wary giving you much advice but I’ll try. But this decision is between you, your husband, & Heavenly Father.
I will suggest you get some therapy to help you with your anxiety etc. My wife n I are certain that therapy before n after our marriage made a big personal and couple’s difference for good. We even got individual and couple’s therapy after we retired n that really helped.
No parent is perfect. We all make it up as we go along. It is possible that the love you’d have for your own child or children would help you connect with them. You may be better off being a working mom too. My wife had to be a working mother due to economic necessity. But some women need some work-time for their own emotional fulfillment and sanity. That’s ok.
I hope maybe this helps. But please consider a good counselor. If your husband IS waiting in the wings then getting yourself as psychologically healthy as possible will be helpful!
Your advice and encouragement always means a lot to me, so thank you for it. I am certainly considering getting some therapy for sex-related issues, like my tight pelvic floor. As for general counseling, I see my pastor, who is also a gifted counselor. He has helped me and my family in many ways. I doubt that my psychological wiring will ever change as far as pain tolerance and nerves go. Even last night, I was dealing with severe menstrual cramps from PCOS and I was in tears. My goal is to find treatment for that ASAP.
Those who are called to be parents are filling a wonderful and needed role. I praise God for my parents, who raised me and my siblings faithfully and consistently. Yet I am seeing more and more that not all people are called to that. There is so much to do for God's Kingdom and we are all equipped differently. Thank you for all the wisdom you share on here concerning building a marriage over the years so it stands strong. I love your stories.
LLL, I love your stories and the sophisticated way you write. Lots of good advice has been shared in the posts. Let me say that there are a few bible stories in which men and women have prayed fervently for children. God often answered these prayers in miraculous ways. The key is that the couples wanted children. God has always allowed us to choose.
Many of the women in my family have had some of the painful reproductive issues you describe. My heart goes out to you and I’m so hopeful the doctors can help you.
The last thing I will contribute is to stay open to being a parent. It is the most amazing job I never wanted. Adoption is certainly a Godly way to proceed, if you both choose it. You are wise to say that this needs to be discussed throughly before you get married. All the best.
There is a thing called: "Josephite marriage".
A Josephite marriage is a celibate marriage that gets its name from Joseph and Mary and their marriage. Theologically, a valid marriage begins from the time two people proclaim their vows to each other. Consummation is a right of marriage, but spouses may not claim this right for different reasons (such as in the case of Mary and Joseph).
The focus is spiritual fruits.
Strictly speaking, to be celibate means to not engage in sexual intercourse, some argue that it includes all sexual activity.
I believe if you find the right man. You could include all non penetrative sex: oral, manual, masturbation.
Given your desire to educate in God's plan for sex, lots of oral, manual, and self masturbation would be fitting for your marriage.
LLL, if you find a like-minded man, and I pray that you do, my advice would be to discuss a vasectomy with him right from the start. If he truly loves you and agrees that no children are in your future marriage, this would relieve the stress of worrying about an unwanted pregnancy. Both of you could enjoy the pleasure of intercourse without fear.
Hmm, I've never heard of that! I can't say I feel led to partake in it, since I definitely want to have sex with my future husband. But I'm interested in hearing these other perspectives. Thank you for commenting!
An interesting idea, but definitely not the best approach, in my opinion. I personally would never intentionally enter such a marriage myself, and I think the vast majority of people would agree. Besides that, I believe intercourse is a vital part of sexuality. Sex encompasses far more than just intercourse, but intercourse is still the central act of sexuality, in my view. That's where the two truly become one flesh. I think it should ALWAYS be part of marriage unless it is physically impossible.
A better option might be a vasectomy, if both spouses are really, really, REALLY sure about it. Sometimes they can be reversable, but it's not a sure thing.
As a bit of a side note/question, is the reference to Joseph and Mary an idea that comes from a Catholic point of view and the idea of the Perpetual Virginity of Mary? I ask because that's not a belief shared by protestants, including myself. It's not something I'm here to debate, just a point of curiosity.
Steady89, that would be a topic I would bring up. I am also still trying to figure out my own fertility issues, which would play into that discussion as well.
PatientPassion, I am going to disagree with you. It is not protestant to deny Mary's perpetual virginity.
According to wikipedia:
"The perpetual virginity of Mary is a Christian doctrine that Mary, the mother of Jesus, was a virgin "before, during and after" the birth of Christ.[2] In Western Christianity, the Catholic Church adheres to the doctrine, as do some Lutherans, Anglicans, Reformed, and other Protestants.[3][4][5][6][7] The Oriental Orthodox Churches also adhere to this doctrine as part of their ongoing tradition,[8] and Eastern Orthodox churches recognize Mary as Aeiparthenos, meaning "ever-virgin".[9] It is one of the four Marian dogmas of the Catholic Church.[10] Most modern nonconformist Protestants reject the doctrine."
I believe that Mary herself taught the apostles that she remained a virgin, and that it is reasonable that she remain so. I also believe she was fully alive, and that must include her sexuality. There are other ways to express sexuality other than sexual intercourse.
LLL I'm actually relieved that there are women out there like you. I have been around toddlers and babies and while I love them, I can confidently say that fatherhood is not for me. I do think that this is something that you would have to be upfront with whomever you date someday because this really isn't something that can be resolved if one of you wants children and the other one doesn't. I'm planning on getting a vasectomy just so that this doesn't become an issue for me down the road.
From a spiritual sense I think that with nearly 8 billion people today, God's command to Adam & Eve to populate the Earth has been pretty well fulfilled and I'm a believer in birth control anyway–condoms prevent minivans! 😉 I would think that if you find someone that's as self-pleasure-positive as you are, then having to argue about something like the "sin of Onan" won't be an issue, nor do I think you'd be happy with someone who insists that sex is only for procreation. I have read plenty of stories of women who are so obsessed with motherhood that it becomes her entire persona, that she forgets to be a wife. Personally I think that there are plenty of men out there these days that would be relieved to find a lovely young woman who isn't looking for that kind of identity.
Faith-Manages, I'm relieved there are MEN like you out there! This is not an easy topic to bring up. I actually was recently emailing a guy who had expressed some interest in me, and I had to tell him my thoughts on this. I'm glad you have the same view. The "go forth and multiply" command is one of the aspects that I researched, and it was only given early in Scripture when the earth needed to be populated. That's not really a problem now (well, except for China, where their one-child policy has caused major population decline). The more I learn about marriage, the more I see that as the number 1 ministry in a couple's lives. Not that they can't do it with children in the picture, but it certainly makes it tougher. The clinch for me is my health. I just can't handle pain and I'm dealing with many issues, even as I write this. My fertility is affected too, so there is work to do on that. Thanks for your encouragement!
LLL I have to admit being a bit jealous! Why aren't WE emailing each other??? 😉
Because of MH guidelines on not sharing contact information through the site?
Yes that would be one of the reasons for sure!
I would not be averse to emailing with you, if I can find a way to suggest a method of messaging outside of MH without violating their guidelines. Also, since I want my parents involved in any dialogues I start with any men, I'd have to figure out…how do I tell them I am interested in chatting with a guy from a marriage sex blog?! I think my dad would be great with it. I've learned a lot more about his side of things in my parents' marriage, and his views are pretty liberated (in the Biblical sense, i.e., not prudish). It's my mom who is more closed-off about sex. But I am flattered that you would like to talk. Let me pray and see what God opens up!
Faith-Manages, if it's any reassurance, nothing came of the dialogue I was having by email with that other guy. We realized quickly that we had some theological differences, so we agreed to move on. Just to let you know. 😊
Just for future readers, this story does continue elsewhere: https://marriageheat.com/2023/08/13/question-about-prostate-massage/#comment-64791
LLL- I love your transparency and writing style. Left you a poem to express my appreciation in replying to another post you shared.
Thank you for continuing to share with us.
I'm excited to read the poem! Thanks!
Thank you for sharing, LLL!
You wrote, "I believe that parenting is a calling and a profession, which, if you commit to it, you are bound to stick with faithfully, especially if you are a Christian. The responsibility of raising a child for the first eighteen years of its life is very serious and special."
I absolutely agree! Parenthood is possibly the greatest responsibility a human being can accept. In a sense, it may be greater even than one's personal responsibility to God, for that responsibility involves only oneself. Parenthood involves responsibility not merely for oneself, but for an innocent, vulnerable other. It's not a responsibility to be taken lightly! I respect your self-awareness in realizing that God does not seem to have called you to parenthood, and in valuing common sense over cultural expectation.
You asked, "Is it okay to make that choice to marry but not have kids? Does anyone see a Scriptural reason to not do so?" I've read through the Bible a number of times, and I believe your perspective is Scripturally sound. The "be fruitful and multiply" commandment belonged to the Old Covenant. To the best of my understanding, the New Covenant under Christ has updated that command to something deeper: "Go and make disciples of all nations." Look at the Apostle Paul! He extolled the virtues of remaining unmarried, yet called Titus and Timothy each his "true son." The spiritual supersedes the biological.
There are certainly guys out there who long for the friendship and intimacy of marriage, yet don't want children. I should know! My own disinclination to have children is probably one of the reasons I'm still single. I hope that, in God's time, you find your own guy.
On that subject, I pray every week that the singles in this community will each find their special someone in keeping with God's perfect plan. I will try to remember to pray for your physical and psychological health, too. Be brave, be strong, be patient. God bless you!
I love that you have many of the same views. I appreciate the point you brought up about the Old and New Covenant. Certainly now, more than ever, we need to be making disciples.
Thank you for praying. It means so much. I too pray for everyone on MH, especially the singles and those who are in difficult marriages. God has us all in His thoughts and His master plan.
To start simply, my stance is that, while children are good and beautiful blessings from God, married couples are not biblically obligated to bear and raise children. Certainly not if they also have physical fertility issues!
While Scripture does generally portray children as a good thing, it also acknowledges the dangers and difficulties of bringing them into the world during dark times (Matthew 24, starting in verse 15, focused on verse 19).
Apart from the initial commandment to Adam and Eve, I see no command that married couples must bear children. I don't believe the command to Adam and Eve applies to modern humans/Christians in the same way, because we have already largely fulfilled the command to multiply and spread over the whole earth. However, I do think that marriage and childbearing is the best life path for most people, in order to perpetuate a healthy society.
I personally would like to be a father, and have children either biologically and/or through adoption. But I've also considered the possibility of not having children. I feel like I'd be somewhat disappointed, but not really devastated, if children were not in my future. But that decision won't be made firmly either way until I have my future wife's input, of course!
As I see it, there are advantages to being married and having no children, mostly because you're able to team up with someone you deeply love, and work together toward any kind of goal without the burden of raising children. Kids are great, but they're also tons of work! If a man and woman get married but don't have kids, their teamwork can multiply their individual efforts and achieve great things for their own relationship, impact the world for good, and dramatically further the Christian ministry! Being a parent is its own ministry, but it's not the only ministry path available to married couples!
On a bit of a tangent, I would encourage you to get some kind of counseling/therapy for that severe anxiety in medical settings. That issue could make for increased danger if you ever have a medical emergency, because extra stress will make it harder to communicate with medical staff. I'm no medical expert, but I'd guess that extra stress and anxiety in an emergency situation probably isn't good for you physiologically, and could exacerbate whatever's going on. I don't mean to cause more fear, but to motivate you to do something about it so it doesn't cause you problems in the future!
Thank you for that advice! I definitely am addressing that as I work on the issues related to my nerves (anxiety and depression, which are tied to hormone imbalance). It just takes so much time, especially when you want to go a more homeopathic route.
And yes, I appreciate and thank every person who wants to be/is a parent. I wouldn't be here without my wonderful parents! Your stance seems really contented either way, with a willingness to follow however God leads. You mentioned some things I hadn't thought of (the verses in Matthew, for one), and I agree. We seem to be getting close to the end times, and for me, it just doesn't seem like a good idea to start another generation. Of course, no one knows when Jesus is returning, so maybe I'm wrong, but from appearances, devoting one's life to everyone around you sounds more needful to me. Just my opinion!
I would like to share with you a few things from the perspective of a pastor and apologist.
Firstly, while some have suggested that God honoring marriages are MEANT to procreate, that is not the case. Biblically, the case for marriage is primarily an act of union and worship, and procreation is a BYPRODUCT, not a PURPOSE of marriage. Augustin and a few other church fathers were wrong to suggest that sex is only holy if it has the intent or purpose of childbearing, and some denominations have remained attached to the idea that it is necessary for a marriage to include children. Hannah was a faithful wife who had no children, and yet was considered to be holy. (Which is why she was given the privilege of motherhood.)
Second, I don't believe God determines if, who, or when you marry. These are choices He leaves to us as a means of worship to Him. Likewise, He does not force us to choose childbearing. So, instead of waiting on the one God has picked out for you, which I believe is unbiblical in the first place, I would view marriage as a choice you must be responsible for. If we understand God is not playing chess with our bodies in marriage, selecting pawns to match together, but rather is anticipating how we glorify Him with our Freedom as is mentioned in Galatians, we can be free to not feel pressured into a box of what culture expects.
So be free of the guilt or concern of not desiring children, and focus on finding and making a marriage that is God-honoring on its own!
Hope it helps!
A good word Pastor Thank you.
And congrats on the 6th child!
May I ask what denomination you serve.
And do you homeschool your children ?
Also, we are pregnant with our 6th child, so I am definitely pro-family lol. But, Biblically a Godly marriage does not need the presence of children, it needs a a faithful view between two committed spouses and God.
ALSO The "fruitful and multiply" command is contextually a Noahic command that does not pertain to us today.
Both your comments were very enlightening! I'd never thought about Hannah as an example. I suppose there are others, like Sarah (who would have been only a wife and not a mother until her 90s). Your remarks on God giving us the freedom to choose were also very interesting. Sometimes I think there is a tendency to feel pressured to do what everyone else does instead of making a choice based alone on God's work in you, His Word, and His unique leading in your life. I'll have to remember that.
Congrats on your 6th child! I bet you have a wonderful family! To those who do carry the torch of Godly parenthood, I say God bless you!
It's promising that you share your strong feelings with those on the site. My 1st suggestion is that you follow the advice that several posters have suggested, and get some mental health treatment. The level of anxiety you report from life events illustrates a need for counseling and perhaps treatment.
I worked as a mental health professional for > 30 yrs. so consider my opinion with having some experience behind it. You are limiting yourself from happiness by the level of anxiety you report from so many of life's normal experiences. I pray you'll find a good therapist & then be able to have greater joy in your life.
The Bible says, as others reported..it is good to marry, and it is good to choose not to marry.Loving & Serving God is to be our primary goal as Christians.
You sound determined in your decisions, and that is o.k. but I want to add that it is acceptable to change your mind. God, and Life may have something different in store for you
I thought I'd never want to have children. Looking back, I needed to mature. There were things I wanted to do,& places I wanted to go, that having children at the time would have prevented doing what I wanted.
God allowed me my choice, and my wife went along with my wishes. Honestly, I didn't want to have children right away as I was unsure if our relationship would last. Having had friends that married, had children, then soon divorced may have cautioned me, in my decision to wait.
We waiting for 8 yrs. before having our 1st son.. both our parents were impatient with our wait, but I stressed , this is our life. Wanting to space our children apart ( my brother was 1.5 yrs. older than me, always picking on me!)
it was another 8 yrs. before our second son was born. I didn't want to wait that long, but God has his time & plans.
I know several very devout Christians that did their best to raise their children to follow God in their lives. They led by example & yet their children chose ( at least so far) not to follow their parent's example. Our oldest is very active in church, our youngest, though a professed, baptized Christian, does not attend church regularily.
I consider our parenting a success, as neither of our sons have had legal difficulties, and both hold jobs and support themselves. They're both decent human beings that help others. Youngest is recently married, oldest is still seeking. I consider that they're in God's hands & responsible for the choices they make.
As said earlier, many of the firmly held beliefs you have are / may be, subject to change, depending on your life experiences. I truly feel blessed for God to have provided 2 sons for us.
Today, 1 October is the feast day of St Therese of Lisieux.
Her parents lived celibately for ten months after their wedding, they decided to consummate their marriage after a spiritual director encouraged them to do so. They would later have nine children, though only five daughters would survive childhood. One being Therese.
(A priest told that to fuck.)
I think the first ten months was a Josephite marriage as Lika mentioned.
Does abstaining for sexual intercourse also mean abstaining from other sexual acts?
I do believe the traditional teaching of Mary's perpetual virginity and her immaculate conception. That Mary is fully human, fully alive in her humanity and sinless. She is not a goddess, is not divine. Mary fully alive humanity must include her sexuality.
I wrote something for a friend recently, not sure how to deal with it for MH, Missy, I will email it to you.
I’d like to encourage you. I think your reasons are sound, and I think it’s perfectly okay that you don’t want children. Clearly, you have given this a lot of thought, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your viewpoint.
My husband and I didn't choose the path but consider it God's will we don't have kids. We honestly tried earlier in our marriage by having lots of unprotected sex. We even had sex right before church on Sunday mornings thinking the worship would help discern His will. We prayed God's will be done and left it in His hands. I ended up having endometriosis and had to have a hysterectomy. I never had the burning desire to procreate that so many of my Christian friends had. I was more like "if it happens, it happens". I still love the kids my friends and family have. My nieces and nephews are wonderful and we love spoiling them.
Late to the discussion, but to your point around not having rapport with children, I have 4 kids. I love them to bits, and will show off pictures and videos of them any chance I get. But other peoples kids? I don’t care, haha. I don’t want to look at pics, and I don’t care what they’re up to in life, and I don’t want to hang out around them. It’s hypocritical I know, but that’s how I am!
P.s. have loved following your journey. I hope you find happiness!