What Does Healthy Single Male Sexuality Look Like?
I wanted to start off by saying how much I appreciate and thank God that MarriageHeat exists. I’m a currently-single young adult dude who has struggled since my first erection to have a better understanding and acceptance of my own male horniness, and still do to this day. As such, I seriously wish my younger self could’ve known of this platform as a way to safely manage my sexual desires, instead of essentially getting my sex education from pornography, which, as I’ve learned, is a pretty bad teacher. This site has certainly helped me truly get what marital sex actually means and looks like, and I just wanted to say thank you to both the people that directly run MarriageHeat and the people who submit stories and comments!
I wanted to pose this question and discussion, because I still continue to struggle with it and I’m not sure if it’s because I am sinning through lust or because (yet again) I’m misunderstanding God’s design of the male sex drive that He’s given me.
Here on MarriageHeat, each story/discussion is tied with an image, most of a more erotic fashion.
As a young adult guy, I’m trying to parse and heal through the 11 years of hardcore porn that I have seen. At the same time, I’m trying to not completely suppress my sex drive, and also looking to have a better relationship with my penis and desires. In the midst of that, I am figuring out how to make sense of seeing images on here.
A couple questions:
1. Is it okay that seeing the images on MarriageHeat causes erections and mental sexual arousal in me?
2. Would looking or dwelling upon the various images on MarriageHeat be considered lusting?
3. While I have decided masturbating to the stories on MarriageHeat isn’t lust, would the act of masturbating to both the stories AND images be considered lust?
No photos on this platform ever explicitly show the genitals of either sex, or actual sexual acts between two people (maybe only suggestive positions), but has shown men and women in sexy underwear, and both men and women topless showing off their nipples. I guess I’m wanting to really understand the line of visual erotica to help me have a healthier relationship with my single male sexuality that honors God.
Thanks again to the MarriageHeat team!
Welcome. I have to admit that the photos are something that I've been critical of here in the past. As an MH admin suggested though, you CAN set your browser to not display the images so I've done that and generally follow the rule of not looking at the pics. You will find a breadth of opinions here about most subjects including what constitutes "pornography," and this is one of those things. Good on you for wanting to avoid it! I have my own story of overcoming porn and stigmas that were attached to me growing up, if you haven't read it please do ( https://marriageheat.com/2025/04/15/god-doesnt-blush-my-story-of-overcoming-shame/ ).
You could do a deep dive into what "Lust" actually means; I and others here have done studies on what exactly that word means, and I think that its modern definition is far & away from how it was used Biblically. Separated from connotations of sexual desire, lust was more about the imminent desire to steal something that didn't belong to you (coveting), but it was an obsessive, all-consuming desire. You can search online for an article by Bruce Stokes called "Sex and Religion" and another by Jason Staples called "Whoever Looks at a Woman with Lust: Misinterpreted Bible Passages #1." Both are very eye-opening.
And I don't say all that to say that porn is OK: I think that you're far better off without it. I DO hope that you don't automatically equate porn with masturbation. You are very right to get as far away from porn as you can, but if you get aroused, you don't need to suffer! You need to learn to masturbate without looking at porn or seeking it out, and admittedly after 11 years it'll probably be a bit of an uphill struggle for you. But it is possible, it's rewarding, and I believe that God will honor your decision.
Masturbation should be about enjoying the experience as much as you can (and as long as you can), learning your body & your responses, what feels good to you, and ultimately learning to be the best lover you can be for your wife someday. And yes, to reduce fluid buildup and frustration. Though if you're looking for a bit of a stiffer challenge and if MH approves the link, mindgasm.net has a 30-day program for going cold-turkey and I've done it myself multiple times. It should help rewire your brain and help free you from your dependence on porn, and give you a new perspective on pleasure and masturbation, what's actually possible.
I think you should spend your time trying to meet young women and do more research into how to be a good mate to them
Then you and she can get married and manage each other's horniness.
I don't think I'll ever have the privilege of meeting let alone marrying. I'll just have to rely on stories here.
Just wondering: are you married? If so, would you not need this site since your wife/husband manages your horniness?
You need to understand what lust is and isn't.
What porn is and isn't.
Quite a bit has been written about both here on MH. You have Faith-Manages, (and possibly others that I have not seen as they were submitted but not approved at the time I am writing.
Here is another one on lust:
https://marriageheat.com/2017/02/23/lust-new-perspective/
An example of lust is King David, looking across the roofs at Bathsheba, what he did not do is masturbate himself.
I saw a simple definition of porn: contains or encourages illicit sex. Clearly what that does not include is married sex and solo.
As a single person, I suggest you keep your erotica to solo acts.
Just wondering, so you think watching videos of women and men pleasuring themselves is okay? As long as it's solo?
Yes, also if they are together, but not sexually touching each other.
I have struggled with porn usage most of my adult life. I have gotten better at it. Went from masturbating 10 times a week to four times a week. But I still don’t like it when I use porn sites or erotica sites where there are lot of immoral stories.
I struggle with anxiety and depression and that makes it hard to go and meet possible girlfriends that could lead into spouses. I don’t believe in casual sex.
But I do have sexual desire and want to limit my stimulis to stories about married couples. Not because I want to cheat or commit adultery but I imagine the story is about me and a future wife.
Is that ok? Maybe it is methadone to the heroin of what is on the internet, but with my anxiety, the physical drive is just stronger, and I hate when I stumble and use those sites.
Sorry for laying my soul out like this. But I am trying to avoid all porn and non-married erotica.
@Galatians5man
I'm glad for your improvements! Those sound like major steps in the right direction!
Your desires are totally normal to have, and a good gift from God! It's an honorable wish to focus your sexual desires on stories of married couples. One part of the reason why MarriageHeat exists is to be an alternative to secular porn. Rather than glorifying immoral sex like secular porn and erotica, we want to show that the best satisfaction is not found in immoral encoungers, but in committed, monogamous, life-long relationships, i.e., marriages! So as everyone here will tell you, of course it's okay to read these stories! That's why they're here: to be read, to encourage a mindset that sees married sex as beautiful, exciting and hot, to provide inspiration for couples, and to provide guidance, hope and anticipation for singles.
You don't have to apologize for sharing at all! Sharing our experiences and feelings about how we navigate our sexuality is why this community exists, so you're perfectly at home sharing all of that here, brother!
This is a series of difficult questions. I will just say that in my opinion the Holy Spirit partially withdraws from us when we sin. I even notice a partial withdrawal of the Spirit when I am watching a regular movie- when a scene of implied unmarried sex is portrayed. Yet in a movie where a couple is portrayed as married the implied sex scene does not offend the Spirit. At least I do not feel the partial withdrawal of the Spirit in those scenes.
To me Marriage Heat stories celebrate the appropriate God-given wonderfully erotic and romantic fulfilling sex that should be part of a happy marriage. So I personally think that these MH stories are a good thing to read. I also find the stories to be both educational and inspiring. If I did not believe this I would not be involved in this site as a contributing writer and sometimes editor.
I am not personally upset by images of tasteful nudity or partial nudity. The human body and spirit are God’s greatest creation.
I do worry about sexual pornography (written, pictures, & videos) that most of the time depicts extramarital sex. I believe that those sexually immoral scenes – written or visual – DO drive the Spirit away.
As far as masturbation – imagining yourself making love to & with your future spouse as you masturbate seems to be appropriate to me. I suppose, in your mind, you could put yourself and your future wife into a MH story with you two as the married couple.
That is my take on it. I didn’t answer all your questions but I hope I was helpful.
Good point that I forgot about, LM. Fantasizing about your potential wife, not anyone in particular, but just a normal woman, is another key to healthy single male sexuality. It's what I try to do when I masturbate, and should get one's mind off porn images.
To answer your questions:
1. Is it okay that seeing the images on MarriageHeat causes erections and mental sexual arousal in me?
In my opinion – yes. There is nothing wrong with an erection (no matter what they said in 8th grade) or being mentally aroused. God designed us this way. The pics and the stories serve the same purpose: to educate and celebrate God's gift of sexuality. That is not lust.
2. Would looking or dwelling upon the various images on MarriageHeat be considered lusting?
I answered that on Q#1. Lust (greek: epithumeo) is most often translated as "covet" in the New Testament. That means what you see you want and plan to take as your own. Do you plan to take that woman as a sex partner? If not, then it is NOT lust.
3. While I have decided masturbating to the stories on MarriageHeat isn’t lust, would the act of masturbating to both the stories AND images be considered lust?
As I said, the greek epithumeo (translated lust in Matt 5) is better thought of as coveting – planning to take something that is not yours and have it for yourself. Just getting horny from something is NOT biblical lust.
Hello Singlyhorny, A good read that I think will help is “Good Nudity” especially all 69 comments on this site. Written back in November 2016. [ https://marriageheat.com/2016/11/14/good-nudity/ ]
Thank you for sharing your struggle and your journey with us! Your pursuit of holiness in your sexuality will bring rewards. I can attest to that as someone who had great fear and disgust about sex, and was transformed as I searched for the Scriptural principles about sexuality, masturbation, etc. As others here have said, masturbation does not need to be equated with porn or lust. It's been a joy for me to picture being with my future husband as I singly learn my body and what feels good. Yes, I do enjoy some erotica, but not mainstream porn (I think there is a difference). You actually honor God's design when you enjoy your arousal and masturbation, filling your thoughts with love and desire for your future wife, stewarding your body by releasing sexual tension and learning about how it works, and even worshiping the One who gave you such pleasure. That has been a key mindset for me. I wish you the very best, and many hot, holy sessions of masturbation!
As an editor, you're welcome! I volunteered to help with some aspects of the site because MH has helped me the same way as it has you. It has been the single greatest resource for teaching me what healthy, biblical sexuality looks like. In fact, that calling to a clearer understanding of the staggering beauty of properly-applied sexuality was what broke the draw of porn for me. Once I saw the beauty of loving, married sex, I was able to see the contrast with the darkness at the core of secular porn, and that made it revolting to me.
As for your questions, the answer to each of them is some variation of "It depends."
1: Is it okay that seeing the images on MarriageHeat causes erections and mental sexual arousal in me?
Yes, it's okay and normal to experience arousal at the sight of a beautiful woman or couple. How that arousal is directed matters more, and I'll get into that in my other answers.
2: Would looking or dwelling upon the various images on MarriageHeat be considered lusting?
It could be. It depends on your attitude, what's going on in your heart and mind, and how that "dwelling" is impacting you practically.
– Healthy: "Wow, she's stunning. God made women so beautiful. But she's not the one for me. My future wife will get all my sexual attention."
– Unhealthy/potentially lust: "Dang, she's so hot. I wish I could take her to bed! I wonder what her boobs look like without that bra? Or her pussy without those panties? I want to imagine coming on those big tits when I jack off."
These are obviously rather vague guidelines, but you can see the big difference in attitude. One respects and admires her as a human being made in the image of God, and the other simply seeks to use her visual appearance for cheap pleasure. In my opinion, when seeing a beautiful woman (in any state of dress or undress, either out in the real world or as an online image), the appropriate response is pretty much the first one, and no further. If you're spending more than a moment thinking about an image, and especially if you're considering what a woman might look like with even fewer clothes, or in a more revealing position, or what her body might feel like, then you're getting into unhealthy territory. Those kinds of thoughts will only hurt you, and never help you.
I've seen some people say many times in the past in this community that something doesn't qualify as lust unless you're actively making plans or attempting to pursue some kind of sexual interaction with the person in the image (or someone you see out in the world). Some have referenced and promoted that idea here already in the time it has taken me to get my act together and get a reply to you! In my opinion, the idea that "it's not lust unless you're making plans" is a totally arbitrary and man-made standard which I've never found to have a basis in scripture. It's true that "lust" and "covet" have essentially the same meaning, but I'm not aware of any place where "planning to take illicitly" is a necessary part of the biblical definition of coveting either. I will be totally honest and say I'm not 100% confident I know where the boundary is in every case, but I'm 99% sure that's not it.
I'd also briefly caution you about practical impacts. If you're frequently distracted from important tasks by memories of certain images, or if you're spending lots of time looking at such images, that's also not healthy, and I would suggest poor stewardship of the gifts, time and opportunities God has given you.
3: While I have decided masturbating to the stories on MarriageHeat isn’t lust, would the act of masturbating to both the stories AND images be considered lust?
I think the guidelines I gave above sum it up pretty well. Personally, I don't feel right masturbating to specific images of women online, because it's hard for me to imagine my future wife, and also keep my expectations non-specific, because I don't want to imagine my future wife with a specific appearance that almost certainly won't match what she actually looks like. I find it healthier to leave it to my imagination so my image of her stays more undefined and malleable. Without the burden of specific images in the way, I think it will be much easier for me to take all the love and passion I've been saving up and transfer it over to my real future wife when we come together.
On a personal note, like you, I also had a phase where I struggled with what was okay when it came to looking at the images here on MH. Now I am the one selecting many of them as part of the publication preparation process, so I see many more than those that get posted here as I narrow down options, and I don't think too much of it. But it took me time to analyze and understand what was going on in my heart, and to make sure I wasn't allowing illicit desire into my heart, stirred up by these images. And to be totally honest, I do feel little twinges of conscience sometimes when I feel like I'm letting a little too much desire grow in my heart for someone who's not my future wife, and that sets me back on the right track.
On a related topic, I also had a phase a few months ago where I experimented with watching some sex videos of married couples (who knowingly recorded and uploaded their own videos), but I stopped that. It's still a temptation, and there may be seasons when I try it again. But in this last phase of experimentation I found that, while I did not believe it to be inherently sinful, I found nothing profitable in it. I was always left wanting. I was spending time and energy and attention watching these couples, but not finding real satisfaction. What I'm truly looking for is companionship and an intimate partner to share sexuality with, and neither you nor I will ever find that in online images or videos, even if their content isn't sinful.
Hope these thoughts are helpful!
Hello there,
I recently saw quote online which said "The difference between porn and art is time".
What I try to say is that the culture and the times dictate what we think is good or bad. I am not saying that morality changes, but rather our perceptions.
Some have spoken of lust here, but incorrectly. Lust is, according to original texts, the inward action of an individual to pursue something so as to include it in your life. It is neutral verb. If we speak about which people are wrong to pursue, it is generally married people.
In porn, the actresses and actors may or may not be married, but this does not matter if we do not know, just as Paul says that if we do not know the meat was sacrificed to idols and we eat it, there is no mistake. No one here is actually wanting to take the porn actors for themselves in real life, you are just using their imagery for pleasure. Reading the stories here is no different except for the medium.
Where one must be careful, of course, is overuse of porn, but the same can be said of food or money. Gluttony and greed here is the sin, not the porn. Now, there is bad porn out there, bad there is also bad food. If you know it's bad, avoid it. If you know, for example, that the company you watch porn from exploits people, leave it. But then, you must, according to such principles, not use any other product of any company where there may be exploitation. But again, if you don't know, and even of after searching you cannot find wrong, then you are not in the wrong.
Just be wise with whatever you do. Porn is like food, you eat it because it fills something inside for a while. This is human. But figure out which is good and which is bad.
I see what you mean about relating the ideas of porn and meat sacrificed to idols, but I cannot fully agree. It depends on what kind of porn we're talking about, but in the OVERWHELMING majority of it, the partners are not married. I'm no expert on the matter, but I'd guess they're unmarried in 95% or more of porn films. We must use the intelligent minds God has given us. Do we know for sure that they're unmarried? No, not for sure. But we know with 95% certainty that they are not, and must act accordingly. If we're 95% sure something is wrong, we are NOT free to do it anyway just because we have the excuse that "we don't know for sure". That's a very weak excuse, I HIGHLY doubt that God would ever find it acceptable.
I do agree that some things are inherently neutral or even good (like food or money), but can be wrong in how they are used. However, we must be careful to understand the difference between them, and understand which is which. Content like erotica on MarriageHeat can be sinful if used to fuel addiction, or envy, or self-destructive habits. But taking pleasure in the immoral sexual acts found in 95% of porn (multiple partners, homosexuality, and even simply unmarried sex) is inherently wrong, because we are called to be like God, loving what he loves, and hating what he hates, and it cannot be right to enjoy what God hates.
And where is the law prohibiting sex before marriage or unmarried sex?
The way you speak about these things seems as if you have pasted law upon law made by man atop one another to try and justify views which might be Christian but are unlikely Biblical. You put guilt upon guilt on the poor man's head where there is no guilt to be tripped up.
I am by no means what you call a liberal in the States, but I also am by no means a conservative. What do I conserve if I was one? The ideas of man?
So many people use some form of porn, some badly and some wisely. But of all the problems that the human soul faces, our biggest fear is unmarried sex? I'm telling you now, half the people on this site, if they were honest, watch porn currently, in varying degrees. But how hypocritical to beat oneself up for it, but without seeing the lies you tell yourself daily
As for "the law prohibiting unmarried sex", I went into the reasons for that belief in detail in another recent comment in reply to you, found here: ( https://marriageheat.com/2025/12/16/addicted-to-porn-through-loneliness-help/#comment-73416 )
I will readily and fully admit that I do not understand the law of God perfectly. I guarantee I have blind spots, and inaccurate understandings of God's ways and designs. But as you can see from my comments, I do my best to base my beliefs on scripture. For example, I used around 12 specific references in my reasoning to defend my belief in the comment linked above, and I could have added more if I was doing in-depth research. I do my best to make sure my beliefs come from a biblically-based rationale (rather than from made-up laws of man), and I think this particular belief DOES align quite well with the Bible, for the reasons outlined in that comment linked above.
I'm not sure what the liberal/conservative issue has to deal with this. Certainly the political sense is not relevant here. But in terms of scriptural interpretation, in a more "conservative" approach, the goal is to "conserve" the most true accurate meaning of scripture. It doesn't always happen perfectly, but the goal is to stay as true as possible to God's intended meaning.
I never said our biggest fear should be unmarried sex. Some people do seem to treat it that way, and I would agree with you, that's silly. There are many other issues that we face, and no reason to excessively fixate on that one (except that this particular website focuses especially on sexual topics). But despite the presence of other issues, some being more severe, this one is still worth addressing.