Masturbation Stigma Fears
Hi everyone!
So, I’ve been lurking on this site anonymously for a while now, and it’s only recently that I’ve gotten the courage to create an account.
Just a bit about me, I’ve been single my entire life even though I was allowed to date once I turned 18. This was because my parents wanted me to focus on my studies/education, which I agreed with. I also went through school, not having crushes or thinking about boys, so this was never an issue for me.
Once I got into university, I just assumed that I’d meet a guy, we’d date and get married. Now I’m 25, so this clearly didn’t happen. However, it was mainly during my university years when I got into masturbation. I didn’t feel the need/desire to do so as a teenager at all, so maybe I was just a late bloomer or something. Since it’s something my parents frown upon, I used to feel really guilty about it but at the same time, conflicted because I didn’t want to have sex before I was married. I felt this was a way of exploring my sexuality in a safe way.
I’m not too sure when I found out about this website. Maybe around that time, maybe later. But reading about Christians having great sex makes me excited for when I can finally do the same.
While waiting, masturbation is pretty much what tides me over, especially during certain times in my cycle. I am grateful that this website has such positive views on masturbation, and to be honest, I don’t think I’d be able to cope being single for as long as I have if an outlet like masturbation didn’t exist. Otherwise, I think I’d just get older and more upset that my potential husband is taking his sweet time to show up.
However, I do think, since people are now delaying marriage a lot more for various reasons (mine being just that I haven’t met anybody), it doesn’t seem realistic to impose such a restriction. I’d want to let my kids know that masturbation is a normal thing to do, especially if that would help them not have sex until they’re married.
But one concern I do have is when I do finally meet a guy, I’m worried that if I do admit that I masturbate, it would be a problem for him. Although I am a virgin, the fact that I masturbate regularly kind of voids my “purity” so to speak; despite the positives of masturbating and knowing what turns you on and brings you to climax. Furthermore, although it’s assumed that most guys masturbate, others have a real negative view on the whole thing. There still seems to be a double standard and negative stigma attached to female masturbation in particular. But this might be an effect of my upbringing and the fact that I’ve kept my masturbation habits a secret for years.
I’m all for telling them that I do masturbate as it’s a bit like the “have you had sex or not” conversation. A person deserves to know early on so that they can make their own decision whether or not to stay in the relationship. I feel like it should be talked about earlier rather than later so that feelings don’t develop, and it’s easier to break things off.
However, for those of you who waited until you were married—more specifically if you were virgins on your wedding night—how and when did you approach this topic with the person you were dating? Did it change how you viewed the person you were dating at the time if you found out they were a regular masturbator despite being a virgin? Was it a positive/negative experience, and how hard was it to admit?
I guess I’m curious since nowadays “everyone has sex,” but masturbation still has a massive stigma.
Hi there SinglePringle. What a lovely and well written Q&A from you. It really blessed me just to read it.
I do want to say that telling a guy early in a relationship something so extremely erotic, might change you into becoming a victim instead of a delicate prize to have. If you ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in knowing His timing, it should work out well. But, you will probably find that when you share it that the relationship will have a definite sexual overtone to it from that moment forward.
I want to suggest that you join a Bible Teaching church and get involved in serving as soon as possible. Most godly men will notice the qualities of such a woman. The right place (not for you to find a husband) for you to be found, would be inside the "Family" (The Body of Christ)
I stand by what I said in my comment below, that it's good to share general attitudes and views about sex early on in a relationship. However, I think ClimaXX is correct here that sharing something like this too early might bring sexuality to the relationship in a new way that it isn't ready for yet. Still share general views early on, but wait until the relationship is somewhat mature before sharing that you masturbate.
Thank you so much for your kind words ClimaXX. I really appreciate it.
I do see your point thought. Praying for guidance for when the best time to have this discussion is key, as would be most discussions regarding sexual history, past etc. But I guess for me, having peace would be the most important thing too. If I feel at peace, I know it would be the right time to admit it but looking at the responses his reaction shouldn't be too horrific which definitely makes me feel more at ease.
On an off point, I'm a bit weary of the whole "getting involved in serving at a Church" thing. I'll explain why. We as a family do Church at home. The reason that happened was because my parents used to be pretty senior in the Church and they were going for prayer meetings and serving all the time to the point where it was interfering with family life. They then came out of that which actually improved out relationship as a family and has allowed us to be really close. Now my sister and I have attempted to go back into Churches to try and meet more Christians but we've come across 2 main issues:
1) A lot of events tend to be segregated by gender. So mid-week meetings. conferences etc will be segregated to female or male only ones. I understand the reasoning for this but I prefer mixed environments as I've been going to mixed schools all my life so I find this very unnatural.
2) When they are mixed, a lot of the people in Churches tend to be young couples/families or people who are dating which is further alienating. Even within the Church, there are very few Christian men, and even fewer single men which makes meeting "potential husbands" even harder due to the small pool.
I've tried going out more, dating apps, speed dating etc but no results. So I can only conclude that either I'm doing something horribly wrong or it's not quite the right time for my husband and I to meet yet which would explain why nothing seems to be working. So I'm just for now learning to be content with being single as I have no idea how long this will continue for. Could be months, could be years but I will continue to wait for God's timing.
Hi SinglePringle & welcome to being a “contributor” to MH. I hope you share more and comment lots. I dated my FW in our mid-20s. I vividly remember the phone call where we both admitted that we masturbate regularly. I was very nervous b/c my only serious girlfriend prior was “anti-masturbation.” But I told the truth… and she said “me too.” And the vulnerability of that moment, and also knowing we are in touch with our own sexuality, caused our bond to become stronger. BTW, this conversation wasn’t forced. But it happened only 2-3 months into dating – even before our first kiss! The moral…. be free! Enjoy masturbation! And for the right guy, it will be a huge asset and joy! (Very very small percentage of guys are NOT turned on at the idea of a woman masturbating.) ?
Hi PacMan, I'll make sure to share more I have and comment when I can.
Thanks so much for the encouragement and the warm welcome. I guess because my parents are so negative about it at home, it has me extremely worried to admit that sort of thing because I feel like I'd never be able to talk to them about masturbation as I'd probably be heavily judged etc. So I guess it translates to real life and I'm worried that people would be the same.
But hearing how it worked out for you and your girlfriend (now wife) is very encouraging! I guess it also helped that you admitted it over the phone, it might make it easier rather than admitting it face-to-face. It's also amazing how it happened before your first kiss 😮
I guess when I do date (only God knows when that will happen) I'll just play it by ear and ensure I feel at peace with the situation before admitting anything.
For now, I guess I'll enjoy the pleasures that masturbation has to offer 🙂
I can't remember if I asked my wife when we dated if she masturbated, it was so long ago. All I know now is that she didn't do it that often, it wasn't much of a thing for her. However, if she was a regular masturbator and she told me, I know that I would have been ok with that and would have found it a turn on. My thinking is that most guys would be ok with that knowledge, unless of course they were brought up with strict "no, no, no" about it and they believed it.
Thanks for your insight! That makes a lot of sense. I guess the worry for me would be the reverse i.e. if the guy I ended up dating had a low libido or didn't masturbate that much, then I'd probably feel like the crazy one (especially since it's assumed that women don't masturbate much to begin with).
But again, I'm glad that it worked out for you and your wife in that area 🙂
Hopefully the man God has out there for me will be okay with it.
Hi SinglePringle and thanks for posting this. I don't think there is any shame in masturbating and no reason you should feel shame to share that with your spouse, when the time comes. In no way does that damage your 'purity'; it is what is helping to wait for your husband.
My wife and I both masturbated before we were married and continue to through the last three decades. I don't know when we first spoke about it, but I can assure you, I was never disappointed that she played with herself. I would have been far more concerned if she hadn't.
Learn what you like, what feels good, and enjoy yourself – literally!
Hi Bertie, thanks for your reply and the encouragement.
I agree that there shouldn't be any shame and it's definitely helped me to wait but it's been a long process for me to get to a point where I'm okay with it. But if anyone asked, I'd still probably hesitate to admit that I do masturbate.
I'm glad to hear that it worked out positively for both you and your wife. Although I'm interested to know what would you have been concerned about if your wife hadn't masturbated?
I'll certainly continue learning what feels good for me though while I continue to wait.
Hello SinglePringle!
You have hit on a topic that has been seen as a double standard for as long as time has existed. I can see why you are concerned with your masturbation and the idea of the loss of your virginity, but one has nothing to do with the other! I, being a man, have partaken in masturbation quite a lot not only while single, but now while I am married. Sometimes there are times that it is just more for the lack of a better word ' convenient' to take matters into my own hands than to ask my wife to get involved. We do enjoy mutual masturbation in our relationship at times when sexual intercourse is just not possible.
As for telling a man you have masturbated, I myself see no issues with doing that as he should understand and be fully aware of why you chose to do this normal human function to preserve yourself until you are married to the one you have chosen.
Any man who has said he has never taken matters into his own hands at least one time is more than likely not being truthful to you or himself!
I know when I met the woman I planned on spending the rest of my life with and am currently doing so, I did tell her while we were still dating that I was taking matters into my own hands on a regular basis when I was away from her and thinking of her, and she also admitted to doing the same on her part.
This double standard needs to come to an end once and forever! Be proud of the life you have lived and there is no reason to accept this double standard anymore!
Hi Tom Zero!
Thanks so much for your response 🙂
I guess it's not really loss of virginity but rather loss of purity that I was concerned about but from reading other people's comments, that doesn't seem to be the case (Thank God).
But female masturbation is a massive double standard that doesn't get discussed in Churches (luckily this platform doesn't seem to conform to that as a lot of married women here seem to masturbate). But as for singles, it's even less talked about.
Masturbation definitely is convenient while being single as it certainly makes waiting much easier. I definitely also look forward to being able to engage in mutual masturbation with my husband when I'm married.
It's nice to see that you and your girlfriend at the time were comfortable in discussing your masturbation habits and that it worked out like a majority of people who have responded.
Hopefully this double standard will end soon and female masturbation and be more normalised.
Hello again SinglePringle!
As you can already tell from the replies from your inquiry there seems to be a positive response to how you are handling this situation in your life right now. I was reading some of your replies and I am sitting here thinking that something about this whole masturbation stigma thing needs to change as fast as possible.
I remember reading one of Steve Harvey's books where he said that a man could have as many sexual partners as he wanted before he got married, But if a woman was ever asked how many she had the answer was always to be never more than 3. Why, because having more than 3 would make her look like a 'Loose' woman in a mans eyes. Really, Yet another double standard rears its ugly head.
I realize this has no bearing on your situation since you have chosen the path of virginity which is truly commendable in this day and age, But just like the masturbation debate, why the double standard?
I wish you all the best in your search for the perfect man to make your life a wonderful union for the rest of your life. Relax and be patient, He is out there and will find a woman as honorable and pure as you are! In the mean time do what ever you need to control the urges and ignore those who say it is wrong to do so!!!!!! 🙂
Hi Again Tom Zero!
The double standard regarding the number of partners a guy can have in comparison to a woman also really gets to me. I feel like this is the basis of the reasoning a lot of people have when they tell women to be okay if a guy has fornicated because "he's a guy, he can't help it". If a guy has a lot of sex he's a "player" but if a woman does the same she's a "slut". But they're both having sex aren't they so this in itself doesn't make sense. Hopefully we'll reach a point where these double standards are less of an issue 🙂
But thanks for the wishes! I will try and be patient but in the meantime, I'll take matters into my own hands – literally 😉
First off, so glad you decided to ask!!! We can only grow if we are willing to be vulnerable and ask. So thank you for your vulnerability!
So…
First of all, there isn't actually a biblical argument against masturbation. So to your question regarding purity, I don't think that masturbation alone takes anything away from that. Now there are certain things within the topic of masturbating that could be sin, but the act itself is not.
Read this article for more information https://marriageheat.com/2015/07/07/christian-masturbation-defense-part-1/
Second, your future husband statistically has a very high probability that he masturbates!! And probably more than you do, and he probably started before you! He also will likely find the fact that you do to be a turn on!! Studies have shown that somewhere in the neighborhood of 90-95% of 15-year-old males masturbate. It would be very hypocritical of him to be ok with himself masturbating and not ok with you. I would have that conversation well before you get married, but hopefully, like most guys, he will enjoy knowing you masturbate.
And third, don't just wait for your husband to come to you. You might be very disappointed to find he doesn't. Guys have a very real fear of rejection that has only increased in the "Me Too" era. And while I certainly am against sexual assault or harassment, this does mean that guys aren't willing to put themselves out there anymore. If there isn't a guy that you are interested in, go to where you might meet one. If you are looking for a godly young man, I would suggest finding a church that has godly young men in it and start attending some services. Yes, it is ok to change churches in an attempt to meet your future spouse!!
Thanks JG for your response.
I should have mentioned that article in my post. That was actually the one that really helped me come to terms with the fact that masturbation as a single was probably okay. It really is a well thought out article.
It's good to know that the likelihood of him having masturbated is pretty high. I guess it just doesn't feel like is since there's still a massive stigma and secrecy to masturbation as a practice, male or female. But yes, I'd certainly have that conversation well before we got married.
That is honestly sad to hear with the whole "Me Too" thing. It is a great movement on one hand but it's caused another handful of issues on the other. I still feel though that if a man likes a woman enough, he will ask them out and put himself out there regardless. I've grown up never getting any male attention so I wouldn't feel comfortable asking a guy out or something like that due to my automatic conclusion that guys probably aren't interested in me for some reason or another. Especially due to my dating history which currently is still non-existent.
I did explain in my reply to ClimaXX's comment why I've found real issues looking for godly men in Churches. I've definitely been to a few different Churches over the years and it's yielded no results at all since there are very few men in the Church to begin with. When you're looking for single men, this drops dramatically. I'm now thinking that it's pretty unlikely I'd meet my future spouse in Church and it's more likely going to be a chance meeting at an event or something like that.
As another young single, I can't offer the specific advice you asked for at the end, but maybe some of my thoughts will still be useful to you.
The assumption that we will just meet someone who happens to come along seems common, but is really subversive. Because it's such an important aspect of our lives, marriage is something we should be extraordinarily proactive and intentional about. Unfortunately, few people seem to consciously recognize that, even Christians, so they fall into a more passive kind of waiting instead. I certainly can't blame you; I only truly realized this myself over the last couple of years. But you see how that worked out, or rather, didn't work out for you. Keep that in mind as you wait and look for a husband, and when you counsel your friends or future children on this topic!
Also as a note, it might be good that you didn't meet anyone in university. It's not impossible to find a good potential spouse there, but these days (depending on where you went of course) it's not exactly a place rich with strong Christians.
I understand the argument that people are getting married later, so restricting masturbation is unrealistic. However, I don't think that's the best angle to come from. Biblical principles stand no matter how the surrounding circumstances change, so I think we should always argue from the Bible first. With that said though, the Bible does not impose any clear restrictions on masturbation. While marriage is delayed more these days, that alone doesn't make masturbation okay. But since the Bible doesn't impose clear restrictions, delayed marriage does make masturbation more useful.
Next, if you start dating a guy and he has a problem with you masturbating, ask why. The biggest reason might be that he thinks it's wrong. The Bible does not show that with any kind of certainty. The case against masturbation is an implied one at best, and in my opinion, several unstable logical steps have to be made to get there. And if he either doesn't regard the Bible as an authority or puts his own opinion above it, he's probably not good marriage material for a Christian anyway, as blunt as that sounds.
Also, I don't believe masturbation "voids" your purity at all! If you've done nothing wrong, you're still pure. Even once you're married and have had sex with your husband hundreds of times, you're still pure. We've been taught, either explicitly or implicitly, that "purity" means "an utter lack of sexual knowledge and experience," which is an entirely wrong definition. Being "pure" in this context means that your good behavior is unmixed with bad behavior. To become impure, you have to do something wrong. Neither learning about sex, nor masturbation, nor sex within marriage is wrong, so none of those damage your purity.
Finally, I strongly agree that it's good to talk about general sexual things (like important beliefs and past experiences) early on. If there's a deep disagreement in any important area, you're exactly right that it's good to know that sooner rather than later. However, I'd stick with general-level things like attitudes, beliefs and past experiences early on. I wouldn't get into details like specific desires until later, when you're both in agreement that marriage is a strong possibility.
I pray God leads you on this journey, shapes you into the wonderful woman he wants you to be, and brings you together with your future husband in just the right timing! 🙂
Well said, PP. I would only add, SinglePringle, that Christ's sacrifice *restores* our purity in God's eyes even if we have done something wrong in the past. (NOT to imply that I think masturbation is, but for the sake of others who might read this post in different circumstances than yours.) And if a potential spouse can't see that purity in you despite anything he might otherwise take issue with, then he isn't seeing you through God-colored glasses as he should.
Hi PatientPassion, it's nice to see and interact with other young singles on this platform!
I agree that passive waiting is very easy to fall into. I have tried going to a lot more events in the last couple of years and I've even tried online dating and speed dating but they've all been very unsuccessful. So I'm pretty much at loss at what to do. A lot of comments have mentioned going to Church to look for a spouse. But I've also had major issues with that as well.
Sadly it would have been rather beneficial to have met someone at university. One thing that I do want my husband to have is a very strong academic background. I went to one of the top universities in the UK and good education has always been something I've looked for in a spouse (aside from them being Christian). I did regularly attend my Christian Union for the 3 years I was at university as well as the Gospel Music Society (but the majority of people who attended were women). Also the two people who I'm closest to from uni are both Christian women. So I wouldn't say that you can't meet quality Christians at university.
However as I've tried online/speed dating, it's proven very futile since a lot of people haven't taken their education seriously, they didn't go to uni and that's a real turn-off for me.
I probably didn't explain the delayed marriage aspect part well. The point I was trying to make is that since marriage is being delayed, it probably increases the necessity/argument for masturbation in this day and age than ever before. If masturbation was explicitly mentioned as a sin in the bible like fornication is, the argument falls flat on its face. However since masturbation isn't mentioned AND people are getting married later, it's another argument as to why it should be encouraged more and not continually preached as a horrific thing to do. Furthermore my parents met very young (mum was 16 and dad was 20) and were married by my age (mum was 21 and dad was 25) so they had each other to met their sexual urges and desires. However I am also at that same age with no outlet. This seems to be the same story for a lot of Christian singles who's parents met when they were young but they (like myself) are remaining single for much longer periods of time while still wanting to wait until they are married to have sex. This along with the fact that it doesn't conflict with biblical teaching strengthens the argument that masturbation for singles is okay.
I do 100% agree that if a guy really did have a problem with it, I probably wouldn't date them anyway or I would bring the relationship to an end because that probably wouldn't be the only issue.
I really do like your take on the word purity though, it's a very nice way to look at it 🙂
I agree with sticking to general level attitudes, beliefs, past experiences at the beginning and more specific things during engagement.
Thanks so much for your kind words and discussion. I'll be praying the same for you too! 😀
In response to CrazyHappy Loved's comment, with what PP has said, I do think her purity definition covers that if it's in term of sexual sin since having sex in itself doesn't make you impure.
My issue would be the context in which that person had sex in. If they did it when unmarried i.e. fornicated, that would make the sex that they had "impure" so to speak because it's a counterfeit of what God intended which is for sex to be within marriage. Not them as the individual.
I don't think though we should look down on the potential spouse if they do have an issue with someone having sex before they were married. It's something that I would honestly take issue with. I don't think I could handle my future spouse having been intimate with another woman (because it would tear me apart inside mentally and physically) and so I have made it a requirement for me to date and marry a virgin (please note that this does exclude things like sexual abuse, rape etc as I don't believe that constitutes loss of virginity since I believe it's always a voluntary act).
However there are many who are okay with being with a non-virgin who can see past this. I just don't think I can personally but I definitely am in the minority rather than the majority
SinglePringle, I don't disagree at all on the delayed marriage and masturbation issue. Your original point made sense. I simply wanted to point out a potential danger with wrongly prioritizing your arguments, but you seem to have a good grasp of it!
I also want to add my voice to the chorus of those already saying the same thing: I would be happy, and even relieved, if I found out my future wife had masturbated when she was single. I think it's an imperfect but decent indicator that a woman isn't horribly sexually repressed, and might actually know a bit about what she likes!
And finally, I want to say that these comments are such a great display of the welcoming warmth of the MH community! What an encouraging greeting of Christian love! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your concerns with us. I can only speak for myself but I hope it will help.
First of all, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I didn't meet my future wife until we were both in our mid-twenties. We both regularly masturbated since we were in our teens. I pretty much took it for granted that my wife had been doing it; I think it's only natural that certain tension that builds up in your body needs to find relief. I did not think any less of her because of that. On the contrary, I think it's a sign of sexual purity. You keep yourself pure for your future husband. I don't feel the slightest stigma attached to your attitude, on the contrary, I respect you for it.
As to what your future husband will say, well, I think most normal Christian men will admire you for your stance and will be happy for your honesty. If anything, I suspect most of us find the idea of our wives' masturbating while they were single quite a turn-on. I certainly do. It will also help you understand what you like, and you will probably be able to give your husband some helpful guidance when the time comes.
Taking it further, reading these posts I think you will also find that most of us don't think there is anything wrong with it as part of married love, or as a tension relief in cases when a couple is apart, for example, if one spouse is away. So go ahead, enjoy yourself, and I'm sure you will find the right man sooner or later.
Thanks Major Major for your response. It does help.
I think what I've often been worried about is because I have a real lack of dating experience (i.e. none) and I am in my mid-twenties. That doesn't seem to be the norm both with Christians and non-Christians. I don't want to date for the sake of it but at the same time I'm constantly wondering if I'm doing something wrong and that's why I've never been asked out etc.
But I do agree that it certainly helps provide relief, especially during certain times in my cycle where my hormones are honestly all over the place, that masturbation is really the only thing that sufficiently helps.
It's very reassuring that you didn't think of your wife any less for masturbating. Hopefully my situation will be the same.
I've never seen it to be an issue if spouses are apart or mutual masturbation. But it's very easy to put it in the same category as sex and see it as something that only married couple can do rather than as an additional tool for singles to help them be sexually pure until they are married.
I'll be sure to enjoy myself in the meantime and hopefully the right man will show up sooner rather than later but in God's time most importantly.
SinglePringle
First off, welcome to our community. I'm a relative newcomer too and as an older soon-to-be-single lady I can wholeheartedly say that ladies such as ourselves are greatly respected, loved, protected, and wisely counseled here as well.
After I read all your replies I was quite emotional at the idea of those who responded who are old enough to have a teen or grown daughter, as I know some of them are. Their advice was just as they would lovingly and proudly say to their own child.
That blessed me so and gave me a case of the warm and fuzzies ?. I feel so privileged to be in the company of so many honourable men of God who genuinely care about us and will further give up some of their time to offer some guidance to their "daughters" or "sisters" in Christ which is nurturing for us. It all gives me a sense of safety too.
Thank you to the Christian wives who bless their husbands to reach out to us with the love of God. I appreciate you all greatly.
Not forgetting the younger men whose counsel is invaluable also.
SinglePringle, you've received excellent counsel here.
Go well
Cuddles
Hi Cuddles,
Thanks so much for the warm welcome!
It's been amazing to witness first hand how warm and welcoming everyone is on MH and I agree, the counsel on here has been very helpful. Especially as a Christian single in today's sexualised world.
This platform certainly is a blessing and I'm glad that there is a safe space like this online where questions like mine can be asked. I'm sure I'll have more questions and hopefully, one day I'll be able to contribute stories myself (when I'm married of course).
Thanks again Cuddles 🙂
SinglePringle
We dont have to wait til we're married.
There are quite a few stories posted here by singles, many of which are in the "fictional married sex" category.
I've got a story rattling around in my head which may surface one day.
I rather like it that we are not limited by our marital status concerning the offering of stories for posting.
Cuddles
Hi Cuddles,
That's a very fair point. Maybe if I get the courage to write something, I'll post it to the website, whether if be a fictional married story or a solo single masturbation story. Who knows.
I really do appreciate that posting stories isn't limited to marital status – I think for me it's just getting the courage to write one. Especially with so many amazing writers and stories on MH!
That sounds like a great idea to me! I’ve thought about making a solo masturbation or married sex fantasy story too! Maybe we all should make one!
Excellent idea Bighuged!
You first! ?
Cuddles xxxx
I actually do have one I wrote the other week but again, I don't have the courage to publish it yet ?Maybe one day (soon) who knows
I'm well behind in that case. I made a good start to a story months back but just left it half done. And there it sits … waiting…
Will I finish it? yes
When? I don't know
Why? who knows!
I've got one coming up for posting but I can't really count it as a fair dinkum story. Just a bit of fun cause I can't help myself lol.
Bet you post your story before I do, SinglePringle!
Cuddles xxxx
@Cuddles – Can't wait to read your story whether it's it the near or distant future 😉
I might create a bank of stories and then publish my favourite one. Hopefully soon as I feel like I'll have more courage now!
You two are both farther along than me!! Looking forward to hearing your stories!
@Bighuged
Only teasin' ?
SinglePringle's gonna publish first and take ALL the pressure off of the two of us you wait and see LOL ???
@SinglePringle
Only teasin' ?
Seriously, (if that's at all possible at this juncture haha), I have a small stirring to write some more.
Now I've just put ALL that pressure back on myself! ?
… hmmm, I'd better get writing…
Cuddles xxxx
Well if either of you need someone to proofread, I’d be happy to help! ?
Thanks for voicing your concerns. But don’t worry. I’m a married man. On our honeymoon my wife and I both admitted to each other that we masturbated. If fact we both masturbated for each other out of sheer curiosity about how the other sex did it. I’d masturbated single for years before, but masturbating with my new wife watching added a whole new dimension of sexual pleasure. It didn’t upset either of us in the slightest, in fact we felt it was all part of the glorious opening up of sexuality in marriage. Even now we both masturbate, usually when one of us is “in the mood” but the other isn’t.
Hi Jonny,
Thanks for your reply.
It's so interesting you say that as seeing my future husband masturbating is something that I would really like to witness either on our wedding night or during our honeymoon (and hopefully I'd have the courage to return the favour).
But, considering that you both only discussed this once you'd gotten married and it worked out fine, I guess it shows, there's no right time and that it's solely dependant on the couple.
Taking what everyone has said into account, I'll probably wait until I'm (at the earliest) engaged before admitting something like this (or maybe during pre-marital counselling etc) and only if the conversation comes up.
But I'd be totally fine if my husband masturbated if I wasn't in the mood for some reason, but I feel like that's very rarely going to happen considering how much I think about sex to begin with.
If you meet a 25 year old male who claims he doesn’t masturbate or isn’t turned on by the fact you do, RUN AWAY!!!
Guilt is a negative emotion, never have it.
This comment made me laugh but you make a fair point. I probably would head for the hills and never turn back if he did have a negative reaction to masturbation after seeing everyone's comments and reactions to this topic.
I've definitely learnt not to feel guilty about it anymore in terms of masturbating.
But just to balance this out, guilt does have it's place and it strives us to do better (but really the guilt will be backed with prompting from the Holy Spirit to repent and learn from your actions) but this doesn't apply in this situation.
Thanks again!
Penny is correct. Guilt has its place in the right circumstances. But someone who values guilt when it is unwarranted could be a very negative influence in your life. Marriage is difficult and a lot of work at times. You don’t need to make it more difficult by finding someone who is “sex-negative.” Thankfully, for your sake, the majority of young Christian men have a high interest in sex.
P.S. When dating you will bump up against his erection… while dancing or hugging or watching TV. It WILL happen. 🙂 So natural sexual bodily functions may be a part of your conversations… and it might be as normal and easy as ever. It doesn’t even have to be a big deal.
I'm sorry, guilt is a negative emotion, but negative emotions does not mean they are BAD emotions.
There are times in our lives when we ABSOLUTELY should feel guilty. To feel no guilt or sympathy isn't healthy, it actually would probably be an indicator of some sort of serious mental health problem.
Welcome to the site and great post. I was 26 when I first got married and even though she was a “Christian”, we didn’t get married for the right reasons. She divorced me and so you definitely don’t want to get married just to get married. After my divorce was final, I knew I wasn’t made to be single but didn’t want to get into the whole dating scene (I had friends who were in it and it soundest crazy to me), so I started praying. I prayed that if God wanted me to be married again, He would bring the right woman across my path. I prayed for very specific things that I wanted, even very specific sexual things my first wife withheld and I wanted to enjoy in a healthy, Godly marriage. I told Him that I wanted Him to make it clear who it was and sure enough 3 months later He brought my current wife along. He also answered every single personal request I had and so much more. God is big and amazing and really thinks a lot about you Psalm 139:17-18), and cares about who you marry. Go to Him and ask. Be specific and then wait on Him. I think it was Tony Evans who said that If you need a husband and that man is 10,000 miles away, God can get you to that man or get that man to you. The only other thing I would say is make sure that you have a healthy relationship with God and are a healthy person. That was the problem my first wife and I had (We were both virgins and had never even kissed anyone else and came from “Christian” homes), we were not emotionally or spiritually healthy. We didn’t know about grace or forgiveness (We knew about it intellectually but not experientially). If you aren’t healthy, then you won’t attract someone who is healthy. I took the three years of my divorce (It was a literal hell of a divorce) to get healthy. So when God brought my current wife, who is healthy, not perfect but more healthy then not, I was attracted to her and her to me. Now the other thing, that I would caution you on is your expectations. From a religion standpoint, I get your desire to marry a virgin. I was set on that in my first marriage too. I learned the hard way that just because someone is a virgin doesn’t necessarily mean they are going to make a good spouse. I know from my own heart back then that I was a lot more judgmental and self-righteous, and let me tell you these characteristics don’t make for an easy marriage. What if God wants to bring someone along who has slipped up but has learned to drink deeply from the well of forgiveness and grace. Those people are much more open to give forgiveness and grace, which I am sure many people on this site will agree are absolute musts for a healthy marriage. If I wouldn’t have been open to God’s standards and stuck to my own regimented ways, I would have missed my current wife because she had been married twice before. I also would have missed out on God’s blessing for my life. God can bring that person to you as you ask Him and wait. In my experience it doesn’t have to take years either. God bless!
Thanks for your response Hot4Wife and thank you for being so open an honest about your first marriage and how you've learnt from it to improve on your current one.
I definitely agree that it's not wise to rush into marriage for the sake of marriage. However since I haven't dated either, this hasn't been something I've had to face. But one thing that does cause women to rush into marriage is biological clocks which I've also had to put to rest (I wanted all of my kids before I was 30 but now I'm realistically thinking that this will happen by 35-40 which is older than I wanted but I won't fight God's plan as he knows best).
Although I admit, it does get disheartening when you see your friends and other people getting in and out of relationships whereas you are just stationary. Especially when they're younger than you. Even when you read stories about porn stars who come out of the industry and a few months later, meet their spouse. As encouraging as those stories are, it's disheartening for those like myself who've been single their entire life. You really are left wondering what you're doing wrong. Especially when the porn star has been in a horrible industry, comes out, gets a husband/wife and you are sitting there having never moved from the single stationary spot.
As for the "I only want to marry a virgin stance" I've gotten this from pretty much everyone I've talked to that I should lower my expectations in this area but that causes me to do the exact opposite (I have thought about posting a question on this issue but I feel like I know the type of response I'd get – I might still do so thought in the future.)
As for grace and forgiveness, I get that practice is very different from theory. I always think of Luke 7:47 in this situation:"Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” I've not come across a situation where I've sinned so much against someone that I needed that level of grace extended towards me or that I've had to extend that level of grace towards someone. The only person who's extended that level of grace is Jesus who died for us. However, this is for the whole human race, not just me.
Therefore to extend that level of grace would be hard for me to do that towards someone that's had sex before marriage. Mainly because I can't sympathise with why someone would do that. Common sense to me says it's a bad idea so the fact that they thought it was a good idea to have sex is mind boggling to me. I don't think I'd ever be able to get past that. They knew what the bible says on such an important issue and yet chose to engage in pre-marital sex anyway. There are even non-Christians who aren't having sex before marriage because it doesn't make sense to do so from even a moral standpoint. They also are rare but exist so why should I lower the bar for the type of husband I want?
I personally feel that if God wanted me to marry a non-virgin, he would have introduced him to me earlier on since I definitely had much less of an issue with the whole thing when I was younger. Before, I didn't care about their sexual history, It just mattered if they were willing to wait. But as I've gotten older and understand more about the consequences fo sex outside of marriage, it's something I would rather avoid. I wouldn't want to bond myself to someone who's experienced sex outside of marriage because I always feel like actions speak louder than words and although they'd be saying I love you, I'll always remember that I'm not their first and yet they would be mine. I just don't feel like I could give myself fully and truly to a guy who's fallen to the worldly standards of today's culture.
The way I see it is like Christmas (sex between 2 virgins) vs Birthdays (sex between 1 virgin and one with sexual history). Christmas is always more fun than birthdays since everyone is exchanging gifts with each other which makes it a joyous time for everyone. In the case of the two people with no sexual experience, they're both going into sex as something new and exciting to experience with each other. A bond that they'll create that only they have. Birthdays however is about celebrating the day the person was born. Only they get presents. And yes you can still enjoy the day with the celebrant but ultimately they will be getting more enjoyment out fo the experience than those watching them open the presents. In this case, yes for the virgin, this is a new experience but for me, it would be dampened by the fact that they've experienced this with someone else and before me. It's not special to them, just another experience.
But I think my desire to marry a virgin comes not just from the biblical and moral standpoint but also my general disappointment of the world's fallen standards and my anger at the double standard, in particular towards women. Even in conversations with my mum, she's mentioned that if the guy isn't a virgin, you shouldn't let that blind you. Yet the same expectation is never put on guys I feel. It's almost as if guys are "expected" to fail in this department and women should just go and forgive them and move on like it never happened under the umbrella of "grace and forgiveness". Every single guy I've met on dating apps/sites/Church has failed in this area and it's very disappointing. Even those who have repented about falling into sexual sin (I have remained friends with some of them) have gone to share things about e.g. Issac Newton dying a virgin because he invented calculus i.e. virginity is a punishment, it's lame etc. Yet they don't understand how much this makes fun of the fact that we are waiting until marriage. I haven't had a single positive experience with a guy admitting that he's a non-virgin and the more I try to open up to this, the more I see arguments for not dating one as I feel our experiences are just too different.
I do understand that just because a guy is a virgin doesn't make him a better catch than someone who's not if the virgin is missing certain essential qualities that would help him be a great and Godly husband. Even for myself, just because I am a virgin doesn't make me a better wife than someone who's not. But I do want that special connection that I feel you can only get if both people lose their virginities to each other when they are married and remain in that partnership for life.
However, more importantly, I do want God's will for my life and if it is via marrying a non-virgin then I'd have to get over it (which would include and INSANE amount of grace and assistance from God) but that's definitely not my ideal as I don't think I have the personality or ability to cope with the hurt and betrayal it would bring initially. But I believe God knows me best, and will provide me with the best possible husband for me and I will be the best possible wife for my future husband.
I do thank you for your honesty in your post though. Thanks for taking the time to write it out and if you do get to the end, thanks for taking the time to read it.
I totally get your desire and your position. I was there myself when I was your age. Marrying a virgin was the only option for me. I was so strict that I never kissed anyone other than my ex-wife and only on our wedding day. Like Paul said, a Pharisee of the Pharisees. I can see your heart is in the right place, I just want you to potentially learn from my mistakes. God is capable of bringing a virgin your way and may do that. All I am trying to convey to you is that marriage is tough and ideals and strict moral codes are not what matters most. What matters most is grace and mercy and forgiveness, and both of you walking in the Spirit. Also a sense of needing God and realizing that you have fallen short of the glory of God and desperately need Him every day. Somewhere along the line in Christianity we decided that people having sex before marriage was the unforgivable sin. We will put up with bitterness or anger or the big one pride but if someone had sex before marriage they still have a scarlet letter. I understand your frustration with the double standard historically about men and women on this issue, it is just plain wrong that women have been judged more strictly on this issue. The issue though isn’t that women have been judged more strictly, the issue is that we have judged this sin, either by men or women more strictly then other sins like pride. Let me ask you a question, if a young man comes to you and says I have never had sex but I have struggled with pride my whole life, but God has freed me from that pride, what is going to be your response? Not a big deal, right? Yet it was pride that got Lucifer thrown out of heaven (Not pre-marital sex). It was also pride that allowed the religious leaders of the day to ultimately kill Jesus (Once again not pre-marital sex). The Bible also says God resists the proud. It was pride that caused Adam and Eve to eat the apple (Wanted to be like God). In a perfect world, it is ok to long for perfection, but our world is far from perfect and ALL of us have fallen short of God’s glory. Another thing we have picked up somewhere along the way in Christianity is that each of us is compared to one another. So we compare things like wether we have had pre-marital sex or not and kind of give ourselves brownie points for what we have or haven’t done. Then we take our point system and compare it to others. God doesn’t do this. He compares us to Christ and when that happens we are done. We have two options at that point, to acknowledge the facts and accept what Jesus did for us on the cross to make us right with God or try everything we can do to make ourselves better. Kind of like Cain and Able. Successful marriages are made up of two fallen people who have received new life from Jesus and are humbly walking in the Spirit each day. Not an environment of do’s and don’ts and building up a scorecard. I have been exactly where you are and that is why I am reaching out to you. I am passionate about Christian marriages succeeding and yet they succeed only when two people humble themselves and are honest with who they really are and drink deeply from forgiveness and grace and the kindness of God daily and give that to each other. When people have that posture, God can bring ANY two people with ANY past together and show His glory through their marriage. God bless!
Hi again Hot4Wife,
Thanks again for your response. I understand that you're trying to advise due to once being in my position. However would it not also be the case that you were very much more open to accepting a non-virgin after getting divorced because you were also not a virgin?
If I was in your position, I would be open to dating different types of people with different histories/baggage. But since I am still a virgin, it's extremely hard to comprehend doing that sort of thing. Again, as I haven't ever even been asked out on a date, that in itself comes with its own problems and issues at my age. I actually was okay with the possibility of kissing while dating. But again, since I have never kissed a guy, it's something that I am considering saving for marriage. I may not actually do that but it's like fine wine, the older it is, the more valuable it is and I don't just want to kiss some random guy, only for them to break up with me.
I definitely see with my parents that marriage is tough. There are plenty of times you have to "die to the self" for your spouse. However I would have to disagree that ideals and moral codes don't matter a lot. In today's society where so many people fornicate more than ever before and both Christians and non Christians, it takes a special type of man to say "NO" to pre-marital sex in todays culture. Of course there are men who are virgins because they haven't had the opportunity but again, their beliefs and approach to sex would show that because they'd be wanting to lose their virginity the first opportunity they got. A person who has remained a virgin by choice in this day and age to me in a man who I can respect as a lead and isn't swayed by peer pressure. I never gave into peer pressure for anything so I think I can only respect and therefore marry a man who's done the same. And respect for men is incredibly important for wives to be able to show their husbands for a good and healthy marriage.
I think the reason why people like myself feel like premarital sex isn't the "unforgivable sin" but one of the most hurtful is due to the implications surrounding it. The sin affects another person directly and physically. Like murder, rape, abuse etc, once you have had sex, you can't take it back. It's permanent. A person can become less prideful but you can't become more virgin, less of a murderer, less of a rapist etc because that action has permanent effect, not just on you but on someone else too. Pride is a sin you commit in isolation. In order to fornicate however, you must involve another person and get them to commit that sin with you.
I guess you could argue that pride is like sadness. It's a primary emotion that causes negative secondary emotions. As they say, anger is never a primary emotion, it is usually triggered by sadness or something like that. Sins like fornication probably do stem from emotions like pride as it's essentially saying, "I know what the bible says but I will go against that despite that knowledge". I can't respect a man who's had that type of thought process. And I shouldn't be with someone I can't respect. He deserves better than that as well. I also feel like there are plenty of people who can handle being with a non-virgin if they were a virgin. I just feel like there are more reasons why I can't handle being with one in comparison to I can.
All my life I've been told that sex is special, save it for when you're married, it's best when you're both virgins. But by the time you grow up, you're told the opposite, that people fail, especially guys, and more likely than not, you'll probably date and marry someone who isn't a virgin. It's really disheartening and I feel like for me, if the guy isn't a virgin, I'd rather not get married. The onus is always on the virgin to "die to the self", "forgive and forget" but where was that mentality when the fornicating was having pre-marital sex? This whole mentality just adds salt to a very painful wound.
I don't see wanting a virgin as a scorecard but more as a moral standard that any guy I date has to have lived up to. God has bought amazing people together with different sexual histories so I know that this does work. But I think it would do more harm than good for me to try and accept someone's sexual history. As you've probably noticed, I'm very stubborn on this issue but unless God showed up himself or there are signs and I feel at peace (which I highly doubt), I probably wouldn't consider marrying someone who's fornicated. But I also wouldn't marry a guy who has kids, has been divorced etc at this point in my life. That is intense baggage that I don't want to deal with.
The reason I am so stubborn with this isn't out of self-righteousness or that "I deserve to marry a virgin". I don't and that will be purely from the grace of God. This is to protect myself and my own feelings as well as any guy I date. I don't trust easily and I'm very closed off because I'm worried about getting hurt by people. This is because when I do trust a person, I throw myself into that relationship. I feel like it would be easier to form a bond and trust a virgin who's gone through a similar journey to me than a non-virgin who hasn't, especially considering the number of people who fornicate these days.
Again, thank you for taking the time to discuss this with me. But I just don't see myself marrying a non-virgin. It's not fair to him and I would feel like I'm settling. I do know that the rigidness in my stance is probably unique as I am okay not being married if I do not meet a virgin guy to marry.
Thanks again 🙂
Hey, having deep stubborn convictions on things isn’t always a bad thing. Like I said before, I was almost identically where you are (Age and everything). I never dated either. I never dated because of my deep, stubborn convictions. I think it is the similarities that I see in us is why I keep engaging with you. But I also realize I probably would not have listened to me back then either. I had such a clear view of principled right and wrong and like you said so honestly; it would have taken Jesus showing up personally to get me to change. What you will realize, after you live a little more life and experience the realities of this fallen world, is that Jesus is here with us and that He isn’t as rigid and condemning as He is many times portrayed. I will leave you with that and also wish you all the best. I really hope you find happiness in a long and fulfilling marriage. God bless!
There is no stigma. Everyone at any age and in a relationship or not entitled to pleasure themselves in any way they want.
Right on, Sister!
Thanks SecondMarge & IndyDad.
I agree that there shouldn't be a stigma but that doesn't take away from the fact that sometimes it feels like the exact opposite with how "hush-hush" masturbation as a topic is.
Thanks for your responses though!
Hey so I wanted to throw my own 2 cents in here since I'm in an VERY similar position.
I'm going to disagree with people in here who say that just because someone says they don't masturbate that they are lying. No one has ever died because they didn't orgasm and contrary to what many people say sex is not a "need". Intimacy? companionship? those are needs , but sexual release is not one of them.
A few years ago due to some of the church environments I was in I thought that anyone who struggled with not masturbating or watching porn was a sex addict, so I actually went to a 12 step group for sexaholics. Honestly most of the people I met there were absolutely amazing people who really and truely were sex addicts and needed the program ( I just wasn't one of the people that needed it). Many of them struggled with hookups, affairs, and objectively problematic behavior. In order to stop those people had a bottom line where they would not have any sexual behavior outside of interaction with a spouse. That included masturbation. Many of those people were single so it was straight up nothing. Many of them that WERE married needed to spend time drying out which meant no sex with spouse or masturbation. I'm saying all this to say that many of them really and truely learned that they didn't NEED to masturbate. It was enjoyable but they didn't need it (The way some people on this thread seem to think that its a requirment or you will die or something).
While I don't attend that program anymore because I don't think I need to be there, I did learn a lot from them. Many after years of not acting out (including masturbation) were very happy,loving, and kind people who genuinely cared about others.
As for being worried? I'm a 26 year old virgin. Ive kissed 2 women in my life total. I had a little fooling around with an ex but sexually I'm VERY inexperienced. Most of the time when I masturbate its because I'm lonely. If someone offered me the choice between masturbation and cuddling on the couch with someone I loved and was loved by? I would always pick cuddling. Also, as a virgin I honestly hope that whoever I marry is also a virgin. Iknow the likelyhood of that happening is almost non-existant but it is certainly the preference. So don't feel bad that your inexperinced, or that you masturbated.
If you feel guilty after doing it then try to stop, guilt as an emotion serves a funciton and if you feel something is wrong and keep doing it then you could be growing a lot of shame inside you (Which is rarely if ever a good thing and can lead to a lot of problems).
Honeslty you seem like a really cool person and the fact that your even thinking about all this says a lot.
Hi WakaWaka123,
Thanks for your response and for sharing your journey too. It's nice to interact with other singles on MH.
I get what you mean regarding the "need" thing but for me, my masturbations habits sync with my cycle too. (If this is TMI for you, feel free to skip to the next paragraph.) So if I'm ovulating, I'll tend to masturbate everyday/every other day until my ovulation period ends. Also just before my period, my masturbation habits spike massively too. There were times when I used to feel guilty about masturbating that I would try and quit, however I began to notice that the hardest times to resit was when I was ovulating or just before that "wonderful" time of the month. Biology was working against me. I would try and ignore it but I used to just get very agitated and it would affect my work/studies. So it was easier to just masturbate and continue on with my day as I'd be more productive.
I don't think anyone is saying it's a requirement or "you'll die" but rather that most people do masturbate and it's silly to think otherwise. Of course there are those who don't and that's perfectly fine too.
The way I look at masturbation is like alcohol. Some people should stay away from it if they've abused alcohol/masturbation in the past. Some should have alcohol/masturbate in moderation and others can handle alcohol/masturbation in large quantities without it being detrimental to them. It's a matter of finding out what type of person you are. My mum drinks, my dad doesn't. They both have their own reasons and have come to their own conclusions on the matter. Similarly, we should all come to our own conclusions regarding if masturbation will help us or be detrimental. I've found it to be a blessing, however for those in the group you went to, it was a crutch that didn't help them grow so they were better off stopping the practice altogether.
However, you've hit a great point with the whole masturbating out of loneliness aspect. There have definitely been times I have masturbated out of loneliness and frustration that my singleness status has never changed and so I might as well take matters into my own hands because I have no idea when God will cause my husband and I to meet. When I realised that was the initial reason, I did quit masturbating for a bit. I wanted to make sure that I was doing it for the right reasons. That was how I was able to decipher that some session stemmed from loneliness, others stemmed from my cycle and some stemmed from the fact that I just felt like giving myself an orgasm at the time . As I started to engage in more activities: horse-riding, cosplay, watching west-end shows etc the loneliness aspect started to fade and my masturbation habits became much more healthy. That helped with getting rid of the guilt aspect as well as the article in favour of masturbation posted on this website.
I think most people on this site, myself included, would agree that sex with your spouse or intimacy with your spouse is better than masturbation. However it does have its place if you're single (and you still have sexual needs) or you're married and your spouse isn't available for some reason or another.
It's nice to hear however that there are other virgins who like myself do want to marry a virgin. It's very encouraging.
HI SinglePringe!
I really appreciate your response! I agree its nice to interact with other singles on MH. Sometimes I wish there was a site like this that focused specifically on singles and our struggles prior to marriage. Unfortunately there does not seem to be anything close to this though. Ive looked around on reddit, facebook, various blogs. People are either weird, looking for hookups, or bashing Christianity. Its so frustrating.
anyways I'm glad I could be encouraging!
Hi Again WakaWaka123,
Having a site focused on singles and their struggles would be great. Especially as we're getting a lot of older singles nowadays who are waiting until marriage and the struggles of older singles is very different to singles who got married at 21/22. There was one forum I used to be on but it became very toxic and it also became very inactive and so I left that community.
I think if done well, it could be an amazing place for people like you and I. However I also feel like it could double up as a dating website and the original aim of the website might be lost. This is probably the biggest reason as to why this hasn't been done before. Again, the community I used to be a part of had a lot of moderators who had to step in a lot of the time to ensure that the website didn't turn into a dating platform.
However, I think if you really would like to create something then it might be something to look into building it yourself. The best ideas always came from people who saw a need and wanted to solve it. But I do think this website does have a good single community but it is hard to know who is single without outing yourself since this is a marriage website and so you'll assume that everyone is married unless they have stated otherwise.
Hopefully in the meantime though, this community will help you as you navigate this weird space and time of singleness until your wife comes along 🙂
Hey SinglePringle.
Do you know of any other sites like this that allow interaction between singles? I would love to get to know people like you or other people in a similar position. I've tried various groups on Reddit. I don't know how to find others of a like mind on the Christian subs on Reddit. I get attacked for even mentioning this site.
[Reminder that we will not usually allow links, but mentioning resources you find helpful is allowed.]
Hi WakaWaka,
There was only 1 website that I used to be a part of that was focused on waiting until marriage and the struggles of it but I've checked the website again and the community is pretty dead so I wouldn't recommend it.
Even when I joined it was actually dying so I wouldn't be able to recommend any other communities/forums to be honest.
I'm shocked though that you got so much backlash mentioning this site on Reddit?! I get that it may not be everyone's cup of tea but I've definitely found it useful. Especially the reception and response to this post which has been really encouraging so thanks everyone :3
I would say create a facebook group but the only reason this site works is because you can remain anonymous. I definitely wouldn't have the courage to post this if my face was attached to it.
I'm not sure what else to recommend apart from making one from scratch focused towards the struggles older Christian singles face.
Another idea for you might be to start a blog focusing on your particular struggles. That way you can interact with similar singles who are facing similar issues in the comments section like we are interacting on MH.
Hopefully these ideas will help a bit 🙂
What site was it you used previously? I would love to check it out even if its dead maybe there is some older content that I would find helpful!
I can't provide links as it's against site rules but if you search waiting until marriage dot org community, you should find it.
@singlepringle you were not kidding about that site being dead!
As two Virgins, when we married, I was grateful that my wife knew how to orgasm and could teach me. We are sexual beings. We are created that way. I was grateful that she had not suppressed that part of her being, that she allowed herself sexual feelings without condemning herself as impure. She channeled her desires until we were wed, keeping herself both pure and a Virgin, like you. Our confidence in our sexuality made the adjustment from making out on the couch while dating to full body intimacy after the vows an absolute delight. There was no fear, only anticipation followed by pleasure. Over the decades, we are much better lovers. But we have very enjoyable memories of those first days of exploration simply because she knew her body. Me pleasuring her was absolutely natural, once she taught me.
This blessed me so much and hopefully, I can experience this with my husband one day!
My wife is much like you. Pringle, and especially wants sex with me around her cycle. And she will often masturbate around that time too. She's awakened me more than once, masturbating in our bed at 5am, LOL. So I don't think loneliness is a factor in masturbating for her…but guess it could be for some people.
Well seeing as your wife is married, it would be a bit of an issue if she was also lonely. I know marriage doesn't cure loneliness but it certainly helps to be wanted and desired sexually by another person which I would love to experience (only when I'm married although there are probably instances when it happens during dating, you just can't act on it). I know it was definitely a factor before and it was the only thing that could make me feel better at the time.
But my cycle definitely has a massive part to play in my masturbation habits and that doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon.
Hey SinglePringle!
My husband Ben and I are both regular masturbators. We also both were virgins when we married (seems like just yesterday.)
Masturbation has been a part of our single and married life for a long time. Masturbation helped develop the sexual beings we have grown into today. Masturbation was introduced into our marriage early on, after I walked in on Ben while he was masturbating. The sight turned me on greatly and I began to masturbate along with him. The rest, as they say, is history!
Masturbation is a blessing and continues to be a major factor in our sex life.
Thank you for posting and stay horny always. God bless you.
Hi hornyGG,
Thanks for your reply! I've read so many of your stories on here and they're always such fun. It's nice to see how much a blessing masturbation is for both you and Ben.
If I don't witness my husband masturbate himself on our wedding night, then I do kinda hope I'll walk in on him at one point as I think it would be a massive turn-on for me as well.
Glad to hear that it's had a very positive impact on you marriage and not a negative one 🙂
GG’s experience is much like ours!
Roles reversed in our case. I caught my wife going at herself when I got home from a business trip early.
What made it better was that she didn’t notice I was there watching, and by the time she did, she wasn’t the only one in the room masturbating! Led to a very fun afternoon and weekend!
It was a turn on for both of us, no doubt about that. It was just the start of many conversations about masturbation, besides us beginning our thing about masturbating together! Still, catching one another has always been the best turn on!
Hi Tulsa,
Sounds like such a fun experience! I can see how that would be a massive turn on an lead to an even better weekend
I think the reason masturbation gets a bad rap by many is the belief that it's second-best to sex with another person, and that if one has to resort to masturbation, it must mean that person can't get sex otherwise. For many young guys that's usually the case, but as we get older, we realize that just getting someone to use as a sexual partner isn't a real accomplishment because such encounters are shallow and empty. Certainly, I've masturbated as both a single guy and as a married man, and it's fulfilling regardless because I enjoy it for what it is: a physical release and sexual pleasure. Masturbation builds intimacy when it's shared, but it's also a lot of fun alone as well. I love photographing my sessions now and trying to get the perfect cumshot!
Beachlover Guy,
I couldn't agree more. Masturbation is a blessing in my view. My husband Ben and I have a wonderful sex life and make love often. However, there are times that we just want to masturbate. Either alone or together.
I am a huge advocate for masturbation and really enjoy my self love sessions as demonstrated in many of my stories.
I think it is sad that masturbation has such a negative stigma attached to it.
Masturbation teaches us about our bodies and what feels good to us. It is something instilled in us when we are very young and very natural. Like I said earlier, I believe the desire to touch and explore our bodies is a blessing given to us by God.
God bless and stay horny!
Beachlover Guy, I actually don't think that's the full extent of the reason why Masturbation gets such a bad rap. It's part of it but I do think that the fact that it's been classified as "unholy, sinful and selfish" is the main reason it gets a terrible rap when it comes to Christians.
What also irks me is that a majority of the Christians who say that it's "bad" have either had sex outside of marriage and/or got married young so it seems very unfair.
But I'm glad you've been able to enjoy it as a part of your marriage. I hope that I can to someday.
Hey Single Pringle! I’m a single male. And as a single male, I personally wouldn’t have a problem with you masturbating. Even if we were in a relationship and you told me that, it wouldn’t bother me. In fact it would probably turn me on! Lol. I’d probably have to go home and masturbate myself to release the pressure in my cock ;).
I think it’s super sexy when a woman knows what she likes and then could better teach her new husband how to please her the best way possible! Cause I would be clueless in that position and would need some guidance as to how get you to orgasm.
Most guys masturbate too. And so far I’ve actually been surprised by how many women on here masturbate, whether single or married! But I think it’s great, so keep on making yourself cum, girl! ?
Hi Bighuged, I guess we're alike in that sense as I'd be pretty turned on to to find out that the guy I'm dating masturbates.
I'd want him to show me what he likes since like I'd have no idea but I guess that's the joy and excitement of waiting until marriage.
It's definitely nice to know that I'm not the only one who like to masturbate, especially as a woman.
As for making myself cum, I definitely plan to, lots and lots.
Good to hear! In the meantime, if you any more questions about the male anatomy and pleasure, just let me know! I don’t mind answering questions!
What are some masturbation techniques you’ve been enjoying recently? For me personally, I’ve really enjoyed using more lube. I don’t usually cause sometimes it’s just easier to just use my fingers and rub the middle part of my shaft. But the lube has been really fun recently! I’ve been using my whole hand to stroke my cock, then alternating between that and just doing small and fast pumps on just the head, which is really sensitive. Then I have to go back to big full strokes to satisfy the rest of my cock lol. Also something that I haven’t done before, but I’m starting to experiment with is where I decide to cum. Usually, in the past, I just cum into a tissue or something to easy clean up. But I think I might play around with the different places I can cum. Like maybe shooting my load all over my chest and body. Or shooting it into my hands and maybe tasting it? Trying to figure out what to do differently to keep it fun and interesting! I’ve thought about picking up a toy too. How are you enjoying your vibrator?
Thank you! I really appreciate that 🙂 And likewise, feel free to ask me questions as well.
I guess one question I've always wondered is if it's required to stimulate your balls when masturbating or it is all about the shaft and the head? Or does it just boil down to personal preference?
Ditto! Lube is an absolute must! I've really enjoyed using water-based lubes since they feel much more similar to when I get wet in comparison to oil bases ones. I pretty much use them all the time (apart from during my mid-cycle where I just get naturally wet and horny for no reason whatsoever).
As for other techniques, I'm trying to stretch out how long I masturbate for and enjoy the process. Before I would be able to get off in 5-10 mins but now I'm making my sessions longer which is nice actually.
I'm definitely enjoying using my vibrator. I'm currently growing my nails out (fake ones destroyed my natural nails) so fingering is less and less of an option and using my vibrator is more of a requirement if I want to masturbate (which is a lot, depending on the point in my cycle) lol.
I might get myself another toy (maybe a remote control vibrator) so I really can get-off "hands free".
I've heard cock-rings are good so maybe look into those? I've tasted myself too because I was curious (but I didn't really like it, tbh). Maybe I'd prefer my husband's cum rather than my own (who knows).
Let us know how you get on with your new masturbation techniques!
Of course! Would love to help any way I can! ;).
And yeah as far as playing with balls while masturbating I think comes down to personal preference. For me personally I usually don’t, but I wouldn’t stop my wife if she wanted to play with them while sucking or playing with the rest of my cock. I usually stick to the skin right under the head of the cock and then I move my hands up or down from there. Sometimes I’m not even stroking but just pushing the skin around on my cock with my fingers (I hope that makes sense, it’s kind of hard to explain I guess lol).
Cool, glad you’ve been able to find some good lube for you to use! Do you apply it on your hands to then rub it in on your pussy lips and mound? Do you also try let some of the lube enter your pussy? I know for me, all I need is some on my hands and some on my cock and I’m good to go lol. But I’m just curious how you intentionally use it when your not attempting to fit a cock inside you, if that makes sense? Or are you letting the vibrator enter you?
Also, that’s cool that at the right time in your cycle you’re able to get more wet and horny. Is that something that you like, or is it kind of bothersome if it happens at inconvenient times? I kind of find that very attractive. I would love it if my wife has a high sex drive. Cause I probably wouldn’t have a problem with sex twice daily ?.
And yeah I probably agree that I would prefer my partners juices rather than my own. We are probably wired that way! I haven’t tasted my own seed yet, but I can let you know what I thought after I taste it! What did yours taste like to you?
Actually that makes perfect sense. Since the clit is essentially the part of the body that would have grown into a penis if the girl is born a boy instead, it's a little similar. There's also skin surrounding that and sometime I do just play around with the skin on my clit. If I want more direct stimulation (since that's what gets me off) I will pull the skin around my clit back and then start to stimulate it with either a toy or my fingers.
As for the lube, correct, I put it on my hands and then use my fingers to put it on my clit and pussy. Sometimes, I'll stick a couple of fingers inside too (just because it feels nice). If I'm using a vibrator, I'll put some on that too. The one I bought is a small clitoral vibrator so it doesn't go inside. The main point of the lube for me is so that my fingers can glide and rub myself with very little resistance. It's also very useful when I'm horny but not getting wet which again is dependant on what time in my cycle I'm at.
When I was younger I found it very irritating. Mainly because I didn't start masturbating until I was 18 and I didn't really understand why it happened. Now that I do understand why I get wet, I find it even more arousing (often a solo session follows).
I guess that's something that you can ask her about when you date. Again, some women have high sex drives off the bat. Others need to physically have more sex in order to want more sex. The most important things is you marry someone who has open attitudes towards sex and that's probably half the battle won. I do also hope that my husband has a high sex drive (although I do know that's more common than not!) My ideal situation would be to do something sexual daily with my husband. But depending on how old I am when I get married, I probably will be having sex everyday minimum (I need to catch up on lost time ?). Then as life gets in the way, something sexual everyday (I don't really mind what my husband and I would do, just as long as we'd connect sexually in some way).
I think you're right. I am excited to try my husband's juices. I liked the consistency when I cum but it was very salty which surprised me as I though that was a guy thing. Maybe there are things I can do/eat to change the taste?
Let us know how tasting your cum goes 🙂
If I keep reading about the two of you masturbating I may have to see if I have fresh batteries.
Second Marriage, go on ahead! Glad we could spur you on to masturbation lol
Single Pringle, yeah that sounds fun. I bet that clit hood/skin is similar to playing with the foreskin of an uncut penis. Sadly I’m cut so I can’t play with mine ?. I’ll just have to imagine what that feels like!
And yeah same, that’s a great idea to do at least one sexual thing per day! I’d probably be looking for more and would want to make up for lost time too. I’d probably be ok with having sex until my cock is sore from it ?.
And yes, that’s interesting that your cum was surprisingly salty! I’m sure there’s probably foods that alter it a bit. I haven’t tried mine yet, but I’ll let you know once I do!
I’ve always wondered, and I assume it’s different depending on the woman.. but when you get wet on your own, is it like just a few drops or like a gushing fountain? Or somewhere in between?
Also have you ever tried to cum from fingering yourself? Have you ever done it successfully?
And it’s funny what Second Marriage chimed in.. cause it’s true for me too ?. I’ve probably rubbed myself off before or after every comment on our thread here! Glad I’m not the only one it’s turned on! ?
I found it interesting and encouraging that you two could have a frank discussion about masturbation, assuaging your curiosity about how it works for the opposite sex, without it turning into a weird sort of public sex chat. I'm sure your descriptions were instructive (and sure, stimulating) for others who haven't chimed in, as well. Thanks for your openness.
Let me second what Crazy said, may I call you Crazy?lol
I admire how the two of you were able to describe and compare masturbating from your different POV. It was informative and sensual. Well thought out and well written.
Bighuged, that was an interesting comparison you made between the clit hood and the foreskin. I've written a partial draft of an article about circumcision [that may be controversial. I hold stong opinions on the matter] but I'll explain that in the article whenever it's finally ready.
Since you mentioned this subject, I wanted to share something that I've learned. There are actually ways to restore a substantial part of the feel and function of the foreskin! There are multiple methods, but I started using the TLC Tugger device a couple of weeks ago in hopes of restoring as much as possible for my future wife's pleasure as well as my own! The device applies gentle tension to encourage extra growth of the remaining skin. Eventually the new skin growth rolls over and protects the glans similar to how a natural foreskin would, which can restore some sensitivity that the glans has lost due to being constantly exposed. It takes a few months for significant changes, and a year or two or more to get maximum results, but the process is pretty simple and doesn't take much time out of the day. It applies the tension passively without any attention needed from you, and it's a small thing that can be worn under clothes. (I'm actually wearing it now as I type this!)
Look up "foreskin restoration" and the TLC Tugger device if you're interested. If you want to pursue restoration though, learn what you're doing first. There are different methods that are preferred depending on your situation.
(I know this is off the original topic; we can start a separate discussion or have one in the comments of my article if I finish it any time soon.)
Also, something I forgot to mention was a warning that the TLC site does have some male nudity. They have to demonstrate how the device works, after all.
Thanks, CHL and SecondMarge! Glad to know that other people may be benefiting too! And if either of you has any masturbation techniques or questions or anything you want to share, feel free to!
And PatientPassion: interesting, maybe I’ll take a look at that sometime.
Bighuged every additional comment here I learn something.
Sometimes I just want to try it a different way or thinking about something different. Speaking of which, I hope it doesn’t reflect poorly on my faith but I never think about God when I masturbate. Maybe if I was a nun and married to God I would consider it appropriate. Secondly many say it’s only allowed to think of your spouse. Since mine has passed, I think of other things and people. Maybe it’s another failing of mine.
I do not understand the promotion of a commercial site to sell products for penis enlargement. I have no serious objection just seems it violates rules. If we still had the sex toy reviews maybe the comments would have a place there. Not sure why they are in this thread. Again a minor issue.
I have to say limiting a future spouse because they were married before deems short sighted and the kind of thinking a young person has yet to grow out of accepting.
Maybe this just points to just how much our beliefs vary. Why we need dozens and dozens of differing Christian religions. All of whom believe they follow the word of God in Bible.
To end on a more relevant and fun point I really enjoy the different masturbating techniques especially by men. Never too old to try and understand men.lol
Actually, we do allow people to share the name and a bit about products or resources that have helped them. We reserve the right to post any links from our site, though.
Second Marriage, yeah very interesting. I agree a lot with what you said. I don’t necessarily think about God either when I masturbate, but I also don’t usually think of other people either.
And I’m glad you’re enjoying learning more about the male masturbation process! Lol. I’m open to answering any questions you may have! Speaking of which, my cock has been hard ever since I woke up this morning, so I may finally take care of that in a bit ? I think today I’ll lay on my bed naked, and stroke slowly until I blow my load all over my chest and abs ?
And what about you? What are some of your favorite ways to masturbate?
[From MH: May we suggest moving a discussion of techniques over to this post: https://marriageheat.com/2019/01/03/how-do-you-do-it/ We think it's a better fit.]
@MarriageHeat – That's fair to move the discussion so this will probably be the last post I make on what turned about to be a very long thread.
@SecondMarge – That's why I bought a rechargeable vibrator. I can't let those pesky batteries get in the way of my sessions 😉 (which I'll admit has been a something I've done after re-reading these comments)
@CrazyHappyLoved – I'm glad if this conversation can be useful in any way to anyone reading it. It's been very useful for me to get an honest insight into male masturbation which I have been curious about for a while now. It's true that it really could have gone south very quickly but I'm glad Bighuged and I have been able to keep things very matter of fact.
@Bighuged – I didn't even think of the fact that you were cut (which is pretty bad since both my dad and brother are…whoops). But yes the clit skin I think is pretty similar to the foreskin of a penis. I do tend to pull mine back most of the time so it may not be as sensitive as a male foreskin (at least for me anyway).
The one sexual thing per day is the long term plan. At the start, I would assume I'd be having sex several times a day (until the honeymoon stage is over and real life kicks in).
From what I know, pineapple juice is said to alter the taste of cum but I have yet to try that. Maybe I will soon, who knows? Definitely keep us updated when/if you do try your own.
I guess the best way of describing it would be that it's similar to precum (since they're essentially the same), but it just covers a wider surface area. I would say it's less like water and more like oil but again, the amount depends on arousal. Low arousal (few drops); high arousal (more flow but not to the point it's gushing, it kinda spreads itself or fingers can be used to spread the wetness around the vagina area). I hope that makes sense.
As for cumming while fingering myself – I haven't been able to do that (yet). Whenever I do finger myself, it's always in conjunction with stimulating my clit (which most women need to orgasm anyway). I usually only put a couple of fingers in my pussy with one hand and use the other hand to stimulate my clit until I cum. However, I only do that when I am extremely aroused and naturally very wet as it's not comfortable otherwise.
I hope that helps a bit! I guess for any new questions, we can move it over to the post suggested 🙂
Mutual masturbation is a large part of our sex life. Reaching orgasm is difficult for many women by penile stimulation alone. We have found that using a dildo (glass is now our favorite material) greatly increases the pleasure. She lays on her back, and I pull her between my legs with her pussy up close and personal. I begin by lubing up her lips and circling her clit. Once she is dripping, the dildo goes in. Now the stroking begins. She has her favorite vibrator. It is called an Erosillator. (Side bar: A very feminist pro-masturbation lady to look up is Betty Dodson.) This has a small head specifically for the clit. She directs my motion while controlling the timing of her orgasm. I love it when she announces that she is coming. The way her pussy grabs the dildo is amazing. Another variation is for her to be standing and me kneeling in front of "the altar." My recommendation, SP, is to try using a dildo and vary the position and way you masturbate. Also bring your self to the edge but do not cum. Repeat until you can not take it any more. When you finally—and you will—find your man, edging is an excellent technique to use on him, too.
Sounds like you guys are having an awesome time! Interesting about the glass dildo, I've heard that you can either freeze or heat the to bring temperature play into the mix so that does interest me.
I haven't gotten the courage to purchase a dildo yet (It took me years to buy my first bullet vibrator last year ?)
I still do prefer manual stimulation but I do think I'd really enjoy using a dildo at some point since I often finger myself while masturbating so a dildo would make it much easier. That and I guess I want the first "phallic type object" to be my husband's actual penis rather than a dildo (since I'm still a total virgin).
Thanks for the sidebar note, I'll definitely take a look!
As for varying the position, that's something I'm trying to do. Especially since I want to try and have multiple orgasms (not succeeded yet though). I tend to switch between masturbating lying on my back or my stomach in the bath or standing up. I have tried edging a few times before but I seem to have what's called a half/disappearing orgasm when I do try edging so I've been very reluctant to try it again because it's so disappointing. However when I do get married (God-willing), I'd be more than happy to try that technique on my husband, especially if it allows him to have bigger and better orgasms ?
Single Pringle. Thanks for your willingness to share your journey. Sometimes it is easier to speak with a stranger than maybe feeling embarrassed talking to someone you know. I think most of the members here would agree that to have a fulfilling sex life there are two areas to focus on. The first is to know your own body. You need to explore what feels good. Do I prefer direct or indirect stimulation of my clit. What other parts of my body are erogenous. When you masturbate you might place a mirror between your legs so you can see your lady bits or your phone or tablet in order to video you pleasuring yourself. This may be difficult for some if when you were growing up you were taught that touching yourself was dirty or shameful and sex was only for having babies. These shackles need to be broken. I will bet that after you became comfortable using your vibrator you asked yourself, “Why did I wait this long?” The second area is communication. You need to feel comfortable telling or demonstrating what turns you on. Time and practice will greatly improve your mutual sexual response. Men and women’s orgasms generally do not happen at the same time. If that is the case, I believe the wife should cum first. Have fun doing this in a variety of ways. Also, many women can not achieve orgasm by penile stimulation alone. A position where he can penetrate you while you stroke or vibe your clit might be right for you. With regard to the dildo, you need to know that the vagina is a muscle. You can’t go to the gym and expect to do 50 pushups and 100 sit-ups the first day. You need to exercise. The dildo will help prepare your love hole to take in his erection. Just imagine the following scenario. You are with your husband getting ready for your first time. He is naked on the bed with a hard-on and precum is dripping from his hole opening. (By the way, this cums from the Cowper glands in order to lubricate the urethra for the explosion of his ejaculate.) You reach into your love toy box and pull out your dildo. You lay down in front of him with your butt propped up on a pillow and your legs spread wide and tell him, “I have been preparing for this day,” as you slide the dildo in and out of your wet pussy. “I want my slit ready for your manhood.” Well, SinglePringle, I will let you masturbate as you finish the story in your imagination. Continue your journey!
Penetration with a full-size dildo would most likely be difficult for a virgin. Most girls start out with slimmer toys. Some will wait until after losing their virginity (hopefully in the consummation of their wedding vows) to experiment with something larger. Not to say it wouldn't make things more comfortable for them if they were "prepared" beforehand.
But I wonder about a husband's reaction to a wedding night with a new virgin wife without the worry of hurting her that first time. Would that be a relief, knowing that she's likely to be comfortable and enjoy the pleasure even though he's the first man she's ever been with? Or would he forever doubt her honesty without that "proof" of her virginity, assuming it was important to him? The virginity, I mean, not the honesty. Guys? Hey, maybe this calls for a poll!
@OnFire You're right, it is easier to discuss this anonymously than people I know as you're directly exposing yourself to their judgement.
"When you masturbate you might place a mirror between your legs so you can see your lady bits or your phone or tablet in order to video you pleasuring yourself. This may be difficult for some if when you were growing up you were taught that touching yourself was dirty or shameful and sex was only for having babies."
My parents have been great in telling us that sex is to be enjoyed but only within marriage. Masturbation however has been massively looked down upon. Hence why I made this post. I still do live with my parents, so I guess taking out the time to do that scares me since I'd be worried about getting caught especially as someone is almost always home. I can just lock the door, but even that makes me nervous sometimes so I tend to just masturbate in the shower or when everyone's asleep. Maybe I will try the mirror thing (I'd be worried about someone finding a video recording).
By the way – I've never heard of the Cowper glands (I had to look that up, shows how little I know). But definitely as I head towards marriage, I'd make sure to look a lot of this stuff up.
I do know that the vagina is a muscle but again, a full sized dildo would be intimidating. The only reason I had the courage to get the vibrator is because it was a tiny clitoral vibrator. I'm also aware that you can go to a gynaecologist and get a set of dildos that increase in size to prepare for a person's first time. But again, I still want the first phallic item to enter me to be my husband. However your idea does make for a very interesting fantasy sex story…who knows I might just write something ?
@CrazyHappyLoved – I agree, I probably wouldn't have the courage to start off with a normal-sized toy. Smaller if anything would be more ideal.
Your question is an interesting one. I think it does call for a poll! I for one want to marry a virgin (they seem to be harder and harder to find nowadays). However if we both got to our wedding day and he suddenly pulled out a flesh-light and started using it on himself, I would feel some type of way. If he jacked off or used a cock-ring however, I would be less alarmed.
The problem is that for guys, all you have to go on is their word. There is never any proof that they are a virgin. For women, there is but not all virgin women have their hymens intact on their wedding night because they got broken during sports/they weren't born with one etc. I'd definitely be interested to see other people's thoughts on this!
I’ll answer that poll. We were both virgins on our wedding night. We were familiar with orgasms thanks to solo masturbation… and then lots of dry humping to Os while engaged. And I did like the “idea” that my hard cock got to be the first thing to slide in her pussy and break her hymen… literally “pop the cherry.” However, that experience was more painful than she expected… her hymen was (?) thicker. That single moment of having her first night of intimacy be tear-inducing pain was a traumatic experience that still affects our marriage and her libido to this day. And it wasn’t like the pain instantly went away either… sex was uncomfortable for weeks. If I could do it all again, I would 100% want my wife to fuck the daylights out of a dildo. Size isn’t important. It would have taken a lot of stress, worry, and discomfort out of the honeymoon. ? A marriage is the ultimate act of trust, so the need for virginal “proof” is silly. I would 100% rather my wife be well prepared so we can enjoy every second. I’m 0% jealous of the dildo that would have popped her cherry. Does that help?
SinglePringle,
My husband Ben owns a Fleshlight, as well as a pocket pussy ( he named it Suzy Q ). He enjoys them both. I enjoy watching him use them. Of course, as you know, I love watching him jack off as it turns me on. Sometimes we will have a " foursome". He with one of his toys and me with one of mine . Very fun!
❤ GG
Love the “foursome”.
Pacman, I agree. I was a virgin when I got married. Wish I would have used a dildo prior to marriage to prepare myself. Ben is very well endowed and it did hurt when he popped my cherry . However the pain did give way to pleasure soon enough. To be honest, it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. My legs were sore though ?
Sorry your wife had such a bad experience. Sorry for the both of you.
SinglePringle, I agree that you start with a smaller size toy. One that is shaped like a cock, just get used to the penetration. Go easy to not break your hymen unless you decide to get that part over with. You will still be a virgin.
❤❤ GG
@Pacman – Thanks for your input in this discussion and for being so open and honest about your experiences. It certainly does help. I am sorry you had to go through that but glad it's getting better. After reading that, dilation is something I'll certainly consider. Especially being an "older virgin", it might take the pressure off. I guess it would be something to discuss with my future spouse too. I pray that he would be open to that. Otherwise, I'll just make sure that I'm super aroused on my wedding night (or whenever after our wedding we decide to do it) and pray it's not too painful.
@hornyGG – The "foursome" sounds like great fun! In all fairness I'd rather have my husband have a fleshlight that he uses regularly (while waiting for us to meet) than sleep around. I guess because I've always been under the impression that fleshlights are based off of someone else's vagina (similar to real life cock toys), that freaks me out a little. Are there ones that aren't?
Thanks for sharing your experiences too. I'll look into some smaller "cock-shaped" sex toys that I can use maybe during my engagement (using them now when there's no guy in sight might get me too excited). I'll probably be on here asking for a lot of advice when that time finally comes though?
Anything to do with sex is wrong according to someone. Fortunately most stigmas have died over the years. I even learned reading comments here that some men want to break their wives hymen. Never knew that was something men noticed, certainly not cared about. Especially when having intercourse for the first time. But like I say you can always find one person that thinks something is wrong. Pay no attention.
"nowadays 'everyone has sex,' but masturbation still has a massive stigma."
LOL!!! Funny how it works out like that. But the truth is MORE people masturbate than are having sex. Back 50-60 years ago almost all the guys did it but would not admit it. Some girls did it; but many never discovered it at all. The church hung onto the wrong idea that was proposed by Hippocrates, the father of western medicine in 300 bc; that female humans have no sexual drive or feelings whatsoever and are mere passive recipients of the male drive. Of course the OT bible said the exact opposite; but the early church fathers refused to believe that.
So back to 50-60 years ago – it was estimated that 10-20% of teen girls masturbated (compared to 95-99% of guys) but that number has been climbing ever since. With the "Free Love Sexual Revolution" of the late 1960s, more books and magazine articles on the topic, and now information via the internet, knowledge of what to do and how to do it is pretty common, and the number of girls is almost equal to guys.
So whether you discuss it or not, you can assume with really good odds that your bf/gf or fiancee masturbates; and probably fairly frequently.
As someone who shared too much, I would advise to keep some small secrets for later surprises. A Christian speaker once said that a woman needs to keep a small bit of herself to intice her man a little along the way. That's not to say you lie. Whether he has or hasn't masterbated is irrelevant really. So long as he is a good person who pleases and satisfies you & you him is the key to good sex. Good sex is key to happy couples…Later you can turn him on a bit at a time when new, fresh, sexy spices are needed from time to time. Just my advice from my own experience.
I remember the first time I saw my wife masturbate. Was one of the hottest things I'd ever seen–a massive turn-on. In virtually 100% of our sessions together, there is typically some form of masturbation. Anyway, when I saw my wife masturbate for the first time, didn't bother me in the least; like I said, actually turned me on. And when she told me she'd been masturbating since she was a young teen, didn't bother me at all. I feel there is nothing to hide when it comes to self pleasure. It's a part of being human.
SinglePringle,
I want to share with you my recent experience with the woman i love and hope to marry. I pray it encourages you along with what others have shared.
A little background, we are both in our sixties and have been previously divorced. So neither of us are virgins. We are in a long distance relationship roughly 1100 miles apart for about a year. So that limits the frequency of our being together in person for now.
As we have expressed our love for each other and our desire to move beyond friendship to a committed relationship, we have expressed our desire for each other as sexual partners.
Just this week she pleasantly surprised me by telling me she wants very much to please me and wants me to let her know when the time comes what she can do to make things the best for us. And even asked me if she could watch me please myself and show her the secrets to things that really turn me on and get me off.
All i could think was wow! I told her how awesome that was and told her i agreed if she would do the same for me! So we already plan to masterbate for each other to learn what each other likes and have the best 1st sexual experience together we can when we consummate our relationship. That is a precious gift she has offerred to me!
I want to congratulate you on wanting to do the same with your future husband. That is a precious gift you are giving him and your marriage! I commend you wholeheartedly and hope you take away from this that your masterbation is a gift being prepared for your giving yourself freely and completely to your husband. I pray that he will appreciate you and your gift as much as i do my Beloved's.