Single Girl’s Journey to Truth
My story of first discovering masturbation and sex can be found in a couple of my earlier posts. In this one, I want to tell you all more about the last three years or so, in which I’ve done a 180 in my views on those topics and embraced my sexuality.
For those of you who read my introduction to MarriageHeat, you might remember that I learned about sex through a book my mom had me read. I was horrified and thought it was degrading and invasive. After all, I’d gone nineteen years protecting my body and being modest, and I was now being told that on my wedding night, I’d have to throw that all to the wind. It just was too much at once. Also, I’d been masturbating for years without knowing what it actually was. I didn’t know it was sexual. It just felt good and gave me relief, though it also made me feel guilty. So I studied up on the subject and came to see it as a God-given release to maintain purity, provided that addiction to porn or immoral thoughts aren’t part of it.
Now I masturbate quite a bit and without guilt. In fact, I’ve come to the place where sometimes I pray or praise God for the gift of sexuality as I’m doing it. I dream about my future husband and the things I’ll do with him. Also, as I mentioned somewhere else, masturbating very often relieves my frequent headaches, so I’ll have a session even if I’m not feeling aroused, just to mitigate that pain. Most of the time, it works, and that’s interesting.
The Lord has completely transformed my view of sex. It’s taken time, research, and prayer because a girl can’t go from complete ignorance and presupposition on a topic to full acceptance without knowing all the ins and outs. At least, I couldn’t; I had to dig deep. I had to understand why this act is so good and glorious and find out how to dispel all the embarrassment. At one point, I got up the courage to talk to my dad because I was so troubled by my fear of sex. I needed his reassurance that it is a good thing. He very kindly (and even humorously) assured me that it is, and that helped change the way I looked at it. Videos of real couples having sex helped me understand the nitty-gritty dynamics. And this website has been such a blessing, with its accounts of abandon and richness of married sex.
I don’t know what kind of sex drive I have. It seems to be the norm with most women that only at certain times are they extremely aroused. For me, it typically happens during my luteal phase, before I start my period. But I do think that as my anticipation and knowledge grow, my libido does too! I think I get more aroused and have more titillating thoughts more often. I confess that sometimes I REALLY long for a man. I’ve been trying more things in my masturbating sessions, though for me it’s still the good old face-down on a towel that does the job. My goal is to be ready for my man if that time is ever to come. It might not, and I’m fine with that. God has given me full contentment in being faithfully unmarried. (I like that term better than singleness.) But if marriage does happen, I want to go all in: no reserve, no shame, no uncertainty. Oh, I know it will be trial and error and experimenting and learning each other’s likes and dislikes. Yet I’m excited.
I’ve read stories on this website and other places about spouses who were hesitant to try things or just refused various sexual acts for different reasons. I respect that. Everyone has his or her own limits and comfort levels. But I really want to do all I can (as long as it’s safe and moral) to give my husband pleasure. I know that doing so will bring me pleasure. If we’re giving all of ourselves to each other, we’ll be more deeply joined together.
Something else I’ve found out about myself is that I’m a very sensual person, i.e., my senses are very sensitive! Certain sounds, smells, and tastes vividly affect me. For instance, the sound of rain absolutely delights and tranquilizes me. The smell of coffee stirs up cozy feelings. And I’m quite visual when it comes to sexual arousal. I love seeing a handsome, muscular guy. Whenever I’m at the beach, I keep an eye out for good-looking lifeguards.
However, I’m very old-fashioned and just don’t care for today’s beauty or handsomeness standards. My siblings and I have grown up on classic movies and TV shows, so all of my crushes come from the 1930s-1960s. I’m sure that’s funny to hear from a girl of twenty-six! I am starved for the masculinity of that era, which is sadly lacking today. Of course, no era is perfect; I know a lot of those actors and personalities had major flaws, scandals, and addictions. But at least men were men. So I swoon over a shirtless Clint Walker or the sleepy devil-may-care look of Robert Mitchum or the shy, rare smile of David Janssen. I hope that isn’t wrong. It’s more the characters they play that I love, because they embodied the people of the time, the men who were tough, strong, moral, and yes, attractive. In short, I’m praying for a man who will capture some of that. I’m the type of woman who would love just looking at him, catching his eye, watching for his smile, and melting when it came. I don’t know if other women are like that. I think some are; from some of the stories on here, I gather that there are wives who are visual and love seeing their husbands in various situations. I sometimes think about seeing my man walk in without a shirt and my pelvis feels like hot jelly. Can I make a confession? One of my favorite things in old movies is when guys go bare-chested. I just… get giddy!
Another thing I’ve learned is to appreciate and even love my body. I’ve never been a picture of gorgeous femininity; I wish I were. Over the years I’ve been discontented with certain features. My sisters are, in my opinion, much more beautiful than I am. But God used a couple of things to change that. One was 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (KJV), which says,
“In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
Once I started thanking God for specific features that I had always disliked, I started to feel differently about them. Another thing was watching documentaries about people with either birth defects or mutilations from accidents or illness. Once you see the courage of these individuals as they deal with horrific disfigurement, pain, and disability, you cannot complain about cosmetic issues. I have a largeish nose which is rather comical from a side view. Now, I think it’s unique and makes me look interesting. I’ve struggled with my hair forever, but I’m trying natural treatments and have hope that it will look really good someday. And some things, like my legs, butt, and upper body, I can change through exercise. I do have a better body at twenty-six than I did at eighteen. I eat healthily and work out every day. Some things I’ll have to live with, like the placement of my facial features, my small breasts (32A), and my skinny calves (which are due, I believe, to genetics.) But I’m learning that beauty is absolutely subjective. There’s a man out there who will think I’m beautiful, and I need to believe that. I read somewhere that when a woman undresses, a man doesn’t see the (supposed) imperfections. He sees a female body, and he wants it. So with that knowledge, I’m gaining confidence for the time when I’ll first show myself to my husband.
My point in this post is to say that it is possible to regenerate one’s viewpoint on sex. That topic has been so twisted and demonized in the church (and twisted and exploited in the world) that it’s no wonder that Christians are mixed up and ashamed and suffer in their marriages and never know the glory God meant them to experience. I’m so grateful that the Lord put the materials in my path that enabled me to see the truth—and the truth will make you free.
This is an excellent story and journey! Masturbating to a marriage worldview is fun and life-transforming. Even if you never get married, you honor God with your body.
I love your term "faithfully unmarried" to describe your status. This inspires "faithfully unmarried" men to form their sexual identity in the MarriageHeat worldview.
Masturbating as a "faithfully unmarried" woman or man is holy!
I think I've fallen in love… 🙂 Gotta say, your story is so close to mine it's almost scary. I too have had a complete 180 in the way I view sex and masturbation, and the beauty of the female body as a huge blessing rather than a stumblingblock.
I don't know if you read the story I posted on here several months ago, but in it I tried to capture the essence of what I hope to find in a woman someday…and forgive me for being forward but the way you describe your enthusiasm and delight in imagining your bond with your future husband, that is EXACTLY what I tried to evoke, the joy, the pleasure, the sheer wonder of the bond our Lord created. Sex is so beautiful, so powerful, so far beyond the power of words to accurately convey…at least I think it is, having never experienced it yet. 🙂 But I absolutely love the way you have come to view it, and that shows in your writing. Your stories are some of my favorites, by the way!
And the icing on the cake…your love for the old-fashioned icons. YES! Nobody did a better job at playing a man's man than Robert Mitchum. And to date, no one has or ever will top the performance Errol Flynn gave as Robin Hood. The old movies are the best, back when they actually meant something worthwhile. Gotta say, probably my favorite movie, or certainly one of them, would have to be High Noon. Gary Cooper was absolutely stellar…and Grace Kelly was the epitome of ideal femininity. Simply put, she was hot! In all the best ways. 🙂 And I can totally relate to people being surprised that a guy my age (27) would find those things appealing. The ideals they represented in those days, and the roles they played, are very much in line with the way I view the world, and the ideals I have set for myself. These days there is a lack of chivalry and honor in our society, and that is reflected in our media; I hale from an older time, when right and wrong actually meant something and there were things of greater value than one's self, worth risking it all for.
And let me just throw this out there, as a former aquaintance of my Dad's once said, All women are beautiful, just some more than others. 🙂 I don't want to sound crass, but judging by the way you write and the lovely attitude you project, I think you are beautiful in every way that matters.
And by the way, just wanted to let you know that I am currently working on an artistic interpretation of your story, In the Sight of God, hopefully soon to be completed (fingers crossed!) . I am making it in a webcomic format, like a comic book but online. That particular story is probably my very favorite on this site, and I want to share that beauty with others as best I can.
I know MarriageHeat doesn't allow links here in the comments, but if you want to search for Peter Wulfdane (omit spaces) on the DeviantArt website, you can see samples of my artistic work. Peter Wulfdane is not my real name, btw…just my brush name. 🙂
And I kinda feel like I have been rambling on, so I'll just say this: Thank you for all your contributions here, and thank you for being YOU!
Thank you for the uplifting remarks! I will try to take a look at your artwork. And I'm honored that you think my stories are so good! Thank you! My prayer is that God will guide every faithfully unmarried person on this site to either blest marriages or complete, joyful contentment in the Lord's love. It sounds like you are seeking that. So wonderful to hear! And I'm thrilled that there are other old-fashioned people in the world besides myself! Keep the good old stuff alive!
It's been awhile since you posted anything! Did you ever finish that artwork you told me about?
I must applaud your tenacity in searching out some of the truths of our God-given sexuality! Romans 12:1&2: Let us not be conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We have all been (con)formed by many influences (parents/family, friends, church, school) and not all are true.
I admire your journey to search out the truth and not take for granted that everything you’ve grown up with is true and right for you!
If you live in a situation where you can go nude from time to time, you will become even more comfortable with how God created you! As for small breasts, my wife has them, and I can’t get too much of them!! Excuse my phrasing, but some men love “tiny tits”!
Thank you sharing your journey!
You will be a great wife! The men who attract you in old movies each answer to something in your heart that you value and hold dear. Think of what each says to you by how they look, dress, talk, and especially act. What values do they embody that are in your heart? Write them down, and look for that type of man and no one else. It is a great filtering tool to keep you from marrying the wrong man. All you say about your senses, your sexuality, and other things are more filters. Make them non-negotiable in who you look for, and don't ignore them. Don't ever ignore the red flags in your heart telling you this one is not the man for you.
You are right; the man who loves you will love how you look. A true man loves his wife's body because it holds his wife, his treasure, not the other way around. We find our wives beautiful; our love for them opens our eyes to their true beauty, both inside and out. Don't worry about that. Being confident in God, and walking closely with Jesus are deeply attractive things to a good man.
There are so many ways to enjoy sex in marriage. Remember that "the bed is undefiled," so anything we do in the larger context of self-giving love is good in God's eyes. Here is a tool I use with my clients. It's not original to me, but I don't remember where I first saw it. Take a piece of paper, turn it sideways and draw two lines from top to bottom so you have three columns with the headings, Red, Yellow, and Green. In the Red column, put what will never be okay with you sexually. We don't need to put sinful things there; we assume them as believers. I mean preferences that you feel are not who you are. This could change later, of course. The Green column has the things that will always be acceptable with you and your husband, no need to ask. In the Yellow, put things you would like to try but are not sure if they will work or if you will like them once you've tried them. They may stay there longer, or move to Red or Green, but this is a necessary column or we will be stuck doing the same things in the same way at the risk of boredom. Remember, sex itself seemed gross once; so did French kissing, but you've grown past that. That's what the yellow column is – adventure, risk, fun.
Most of all, do everything to bring Jesus glory in all you say and do. Find someone with whom you can run hand-in-hand, hard after God. Keep sex for marriage; you won't die without it, and you will never regret coming to your wedding night with no guilt, just a truckload of frustration that you can finally unleash! Pray for your future husband now. God knows who he is. Pray for his spiritual safety, and that you both will be ready for each other when the time comes. I hope that time is soon!
I don't have a whole lot to say, im still learning to shed the shame but am glad you have been enjoying yourself and learning to explore! Hopefully I'll get there myself!
You will find Mr. Right. Plenty of guys would love a woman that likes old movies etc. I think once a couple can get past the shyness, mutual masturbation can add a huge amount of fun and pleasure to a marriage. Full sex is nice too, but every sex activity you do doesn't have to be PIV sex. Many guys, maybe not all, would love to mutually masturbate with their wife. It took my wife a while, but we have learned to have fun together and often.