Discussion: Online Chatting
Where you will go, I will go and where you will live, I’ll live. Your people will be my people and your ELOHIM, will be my ELOHIM. Where you will die, I will die and where you will be buried, I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely if anything but death separates me from you.’ – Ruth 1:16-17
Long before I met my husband, my life looked very different to what it is today. I longed for many years to be a missionary, and I knew that the LORD had placed something inside of me, a belief so strong in HIM that I knew it was my duty to share the love of Christ with others.
But for many years, I lived like a recluse. I suffered with depression from a very early age, which went undiagnosed for many years. I had an absent biological mother (though not absent in body, but absent in love, affection and guidance.) I had a biological family who stood by and watched me be physically and emotionally abused by my biological mother for years, but they never came to my rescue.
But the LORD gave me my maternal grandparents, who were only in my life for a very short period of time. These two precious people prayed for me, and it was my grandfather who taught me the art of having a prayer corner, a valuable tool that I will carry for the rest of my life.
After they died, within in a few days of each other, my agoraphobia became worse, and in sheer desperation and innocence, I prayed for five years for my grandparents to come back.
Then, in my very early 20s, I discovered online chatting. A whole new world opened up for me, an online forum where I could talk, ask and discuss anything and everything under the sun without feeling any shame or guilt. On Christian chat sites particularly, my views on “controversial” issues—like the catching away of the saints spoken of in Matthew 24 or my interpretation of the Apostle Paul’s letters to the Thessalonians and how I understood it—didn’t always go down well. You might derive from this that I do believe the Church will go through a time of tribulation, and although I’ve come across many missionaries through the years who hold a different viewpoint, my answer has always been, “Let’s agree to disagree, but let’s keep the main thing, the main thing. JESUS is the Way, the Truth and the Life and no one comes to FATHER except through HIM!”
But sometimes on these online chat sites you’d find gems of people: lonely people, happy people, people with strong opinions and, as in life, some not so nice people.
I found myself gravitating to chatting to older men and women, people who were or are my seniors, people not afraid or ashamed to share (as I said before) anything and everything. Older women, especially, would talk about being divorced or losing their husbands to death whilst still being in the prime of their sexual desires. I’d love listening to their stories of how masturbation was a comfort to them, but at the age of 60 or above, they still longed to share their beds with a partner. Their conversations enticed me, and I often wondered if I’d still have these sexual desires if and when I reached my 70s.
One woman in particular—a Pom , as my husband would say—shared very openly about an experience she had with a man she met at a Church bingo evening. She was 65, he was a little older, and they caught each other’s eye on a particularly cold evening. They got chatting, and she bravely asked him if he’d like to come home with her for a cupper. He obliged and off they went. She spoke of the conversation being easy, delightful and pleasant until the older gentleman reached across and kissed her. She explained how she suddenly felt alive after being a widow and an empty nester for many years. She kissed him back, and she felt her body begin to rise, as it were. Without much further talking she led him up the staircase, into the bedroom and they made love.
Now as believers, we’re not meant to have sexual relations outside of marriage, but I have to admit that I did feel a sense of happiness for this woman. Despite my concerns over the circumstances, I felt her arousal take over my own body, and I masturbated to her story.
After this initial conversation, I enjoyed talking to this woman about her faith, her children, her grandchildren, and her blossoming relationship with the older stranger who started attending her church after their first meeting.
And as the years went by, I found several women like my online British friend, who found themselves single at 60 years and over but still desiring to have a sexual relationship. And I loved reading and asking about their stories and knowing that an older woman could still feel that way about intimacy.
Fast forward, to meeting my husband, me being a missionary in Africa and him being the missionary from the other side of the world. Our meeting happened as we were both in search of something, both of us not knowing exactly what that something was.
My husband brought me back to the heart of worship, and I shared (or rather tried to shape his thinking) on the Second Coming of Christ. Safe to say he had his own opinions, and he wasn’t afraid to put up a friendly fight. I loved our conversations, and he shared everything with me, and I with him—or so he thought. My online history remained buried inside of me, and I thought I could never share that part of my past with my husband.
Until one day, we were on separate assignments across the world, and Timothy asked me straight out if I’ve chatted online. I knew Timothy was prompted by the Holy Spirit, and I had no choice but to come clean. I had to explain to him about my conversations with older women (and sometimes older men), the content of those conversations, and how they made me feel.
Timothy couldn’t accept that part of me, and I believed this would cause a permanent dent in our marriage. It was very difficult being oceans apart and trying to explain to my husband via text and skype calls that it was all innocent.
My husband’s homecoming was a tentative one for me. I looked at Timothy that evening, knowing we wouldn’t spend our first evening back together making love, but that our conversation for the evening already had a topic.
I remember seeing a very tired looking Timothy, perfectly dressed in a blue shirt and a brown leather jacket. I was happy to be back together again, but inside, fear gripped me.
We sat down on our couch, and the conversation immediately turned to my online past. Timothy asked questions, and I answered as honestly as I could, knowing it was best to tell him everything. We went upstairs, and we did make love that evening. Timothy needed more comfort than usual, and I knew I was the only one who could give that to him. As we settled back into our life together, my online past would often times come up in conversation. Everytime it did, I would cringe.
As time went on, Timothy’s questions became gentler, and it became easier for me to answer. Our conversations about my online past brought almost a new feeling of arousal to our love making, and it brought us closer. Timothy asked more and more questions, and our love making became stronger and more intense than before. Timothy asked me if I ever had desires to chat to online women again. My answer was no, and that was the absolute truth. Timothy reassured me that, although he accepted that part of my past, he wanted me to be honest with him if I missed it or not. A part of me did miss having those conversations with older women, and as one of my later therapists explained, that could stem from not having a close relationship with my biological mother and growing up not knowing to this day who my biological father is or was.
So you might be asking, why am I sharing this part of my past with my MarriageHeat community? I guess now that Timothy accepted that part of my past, I wondered if other women went through the same thing? Are there men and women out there who also found sexual pleasure and comfort from hearing/reading strangers’ stories about intimacy in later life and, ultimately, did it cause a sense of arousal to the point of masturbation?
I’d love to hear your opinions and thoughts. As always, the rest is still unwritten…
Good and interesting discussion. What is everyone's opinion about online chatting?
Refreshing candor and an intriguing experience.
While I wouldn't say it's a common experience, when internet chat was first becoming popular, I frequented several general Christian fellowship and single believer's rooms.
One afternoon, I struck up a conversation with an older, widowed lady and while the conversation was appropriate, and friendly, it did lead to some sharing of our feelings on loneliness, me as a younger single adult and her as one used to the comforts and companionship of a happy marriage.
In the course of the discussion, which wasn't particularly explicit, I felt pleasantly stimulated by her faith, reverence for her beloved husband, and the comfort she found in pleasuring herself. No pictures were exchanged, and I can safely say there was no lust involved, just a candid communication that was respectful of marriage and yet, managed to arouse me having learned more about that aspect of the female experience.
It also helped me past some of my legalistic lingerings regarding masturbation, which I did several times after that conversation while remembering it.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience…. I found it refreshing and beautiful, that someone had, maybe not exactly the same, but similar experience as I've had.
There's an ugly stigma attached to masturbation that stems from traditional churches, but one always feels good knowing other believers find comfort in masturbation as well.
Your comment particularly about her having 'reverence for her husband ' touched my heart deeply… working in the ministry, I see so many women who still need to learn that it's our privilege to have husbands who understand us and how we need to still masturbate. That in itself causes me to have reverence for my husband. He just always finds a way to understand me and my intimate needs.
Thank you for joining the discussion and sharing your experience; it's so greatly appreciated.
The LORD bless you always!
Online chat has always, as best I can remember from the 1990’s, had a component whereby folks have shared their sexual experiences & preferences. And, I imagine the chats were for friendship as well as for sexual pleasure. I have experienced both. In the sharing here and via real-time chat, folks find sexual pleasure as well as friendship support in an environment of longer reach/anonymity. I think it is a human quality that we find some parts of friendships to have an arousal or sexually inspiring quality.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I have to say I really agree with you about it being a human quality; every individual is born with that need and want for extreme closeness that intimacy brings, but some just don't express their needs or they surpress it to the point of it almost dying.
Thank you so much for joining the discussion…the LORD bless you always!
As a senior woman who dearly loves her husband, online chatting has ‘awakened me’ to a greater joy and enjoyment of sex with him. I have chatted with men my age and even younger in trusting, respectful, and comfortable ways about their sexual struggles and desires. The chatting always includes a mutual honoring of the sanctity of marriage, theirs and mine, yet it’s been refreshing to be free to express our views about sex and our heightened desires and needs, as we age, for sex – spousal and self pleasure. These chats have led to candid, open sharing resulting in masturbation during or after the chats.
My husband knows about my chatting and knows how it has enhanced our own intimacy. We’ve discussed the value of a Christian senior sex site that could be of benefit and encouragement to senior citizens searching for a safe place to express their sexual desires or questions of daily living; and especially for those that may have lost their mates and feel so alone.
Although my chatting hasn’t been with women my age or younger, if an online relationship unfolded with trust and respect leading to sexual self discovery, I would consider being there for them.
I remember online chatting many years ago in the 90s. I would consider it again, but there is a big part of me trusting it's really a women on the other end and not a man pretending.
Thank you for sharing so openly. I'd have to agree, that if there was a Christian chat site for older people, I would love to be part of that. Being able to share thoughts and ideas, hearing other people's stories and opinions, but all in the confines of sharing as believers in MESSIAH and the safety there in. I know that it would lead to a sense of arousal, and it's something my husband I have discussed, although I promised him that I would never engage in online chatting if he and I were not physically together. (Our work often times keeps us away from each for weeks and sometimes months on end.)
I love and appreciate how you as a senior woman, started off your comment with how you dearly love your husband and how you still shared a deeper intimacy. That's exactly the kind of stories I have loved listening to in the past before I met my husband. I might also add that my husband is seven years my senior, so I've also been attracted to grey haired men, who had a certain sex appeal about them.
Meeting my husband was like an absolute dream come true; his grey hair, his green blue eyes, his matured body, how he towers over me in height, how he still rides the crest of a wave as a forever surfer. But mostly importantly two things drew me to him: firstly, that he ALWAYS put the LORD first, and secondly, his willingness to ALWAYS talk about intimate things with me. Our discussions in themselves bring a huge sense of arousal, and we've often wondered what would happen if we as couple encountered another couple online, a senior couple, and had a open discussion with them, couple to couple.
I love how you ended off by saying that you'd be there for someone younger or older. That is something that I long for: an older lady friend who I could ask and tell things to.
Thank you for taking the time to write a comment here, I so appreciate it.
The LORD bless you always!
Hi–
I am surprised at your husband's strong negative reaction to your premarital online chatting activities. I am wondering if he has been influenced by Bill Gothard and his so-called purity movement. I guess we all have to one degree or another.
The "purity movement" isn't about purity at all. It goes beyond actual purity — keeping sex between a husband and wife — to extreme prudishness and keeping sex out of sight and out of mind. Sexual relief in the form of masturbation is not allowed, even for single adults.
This is not Biblical.
You weren't sexting married guys. You were learning about sex from older women. Titus 2:3-4 comes to mind (older women are to teach younger women to love their husbands). You learn about what you have to look forward to and get aroused thinking about it. Nothing surprising.
Lev 15:16 implies that masturbation is allowed. Otherwise, it is not mentioned.
There is chatting, then there is chatting. In your case, I don't see any way that you did anything wrong. Hopefully your husband will come to accept that the chatting you did prepared you for having a better marriage than you otherwise would have.
Getting aroused by other couple's sexual experiences — that is what Song of Solomon is all about. It is way more erotic than most people realize. For example. chapter 4 is discussing the wife's body from top to bottom, starting with her hair, then her mouth, breasts, etc. "Tongue" in verse 11 is probably referring to her clitoris. "honey dripping from her lips" is probably referring to her natural lubrication flowing out from between her labia.
Thank you for taking the time to explain things in such a sensual way, your thoughtful comments really made me feel good, in an arousing way.
My husband didn't come out of the Bill Gothard movement at all; we only learnt about Bill Gothard recently from reading Jinger Vuolo's testimony about becoming free indeed. My husband is an Ashkenazi Jew by birth, who later in life gave his heart to MESSIAH YESHUA. He is a very sexual personal, but still takes time to embrace certain things because of how his first marriage ran it's course.
It took a long time and lots of talking and discussing for him to embrace and accept that part of my past. In all honesty the whole thing coming out, has brought us closer and it's something we'd like to explore together, when our circumstances allow us to be together in the same place long enough.
Thank you for your use of Bible verses in your comments! I really appreciate when people can say with boldness that masturbation is not wrong, but good for a relationship. The togetherness it brings when my husband and I mutually masturbate has really enhanced our intimacy. I would just like times when I can talk and discuss intimacy and masturbation with older ladies. They have such an incredible insight, just like you do.
Thank you once again for taking the time to write to me; I so appreciate your time and effort.
The LORD bless you always!
I don't even think texting married people is wrong if you look at the Bible's strict definition of adultery. I think the problem would arise if you choose to get that person into your life in some way
I sure appreciate this transparent post. Thank you!
It touched a sensitive cord in me. I have chatted on line now and again over time but always somewhat conflicted. Was it right? Was it best? I did it privately knowing that my spouse would not agree and the general perception in my faith community that it’s bad and opened the door to poor choices.
I have learned important things from others. I have been encouraged by the transparency of others. It’s like wow. Wish my wife and I could share like this. Made me feel more alive – like I was in touch with an important part or myself.
I, too, would like to know of a Christian chat site or at least a “reasonable” one that I could have real conversations with real people.
Please share your perspective. I would really like to either settle the conflicting feeling or decide just to put it aside. I really don’t have hope that this can be an acceptable practice in the eyes of my wife and certainly not a shared experience.
Thing is when I do, she/we experience some benefits because I am more motivated and passionate.
Thank you for your responses …
If you ever need a judgment free person to converse with, you can find me on TMB and Discord (same username), or my email can be easily guessed. Peace!
This is a fascinating thread in the Discussion section. It appeared just two weeks after this Discussion thread was posted.
https://marriageheat.com/2023/07/16/the-freedom-to-masturbate/
Livinit shared her passion for a Christian chat site for senior women to share and encourage self sexual satisfaction. WhiteArrowCaucasian shared about her own awakening to self pleasure through chatting. Always with deep reverence and devotion to one’s spouse.
More viewpoints on this Discussion thread would be encouraging to many of us!
SG
Thank you for your response and the link that led me to very helpful threads. I an ecouraged by the perspectives that I read.
I decided to look for some sites that include texting within a Christian context. Sadly, I do t find any. It’s god to have discussions on this wonderful site but it is slow enough to be discouraging at times.
I am a kinda newbie here and as I learn about others it will be helpful. There seems to be a longing in the Christian community for real conversations with real people who share values. But there seems to be a vacuum of opportunity.