How to Pray
I am a single 30-something man who would very much like to be married and have sex some day, and who sometimes finds himself frustrated with waiting. I would appreciate some advice regarding how best to channel my desires in the meantime. Any general advice would be welcome, but I’ve thought of some more specific questions:
What would be some good things to pray for (aside from finding a wife obviously!)?
What would be good things to think about in terms of what I might want my sex life to look like when I do get married? Or perhaps the sort of conversations I should have if I find a (potential) partner?
What might be more practical, but ‘Godly’, ways to channel my desires?
Is there anything you know about sex now that you wish you knew when you were single?
One thing I have found helpful is praying for the marriages of my friends, including their sex lives. So one more question:
What would be good things to pray for on behalf of my friends?
Thanks for your advice!
From another single person…you aren't alone here. I too have prayed for a spouse for years. However, my foremost prayer now is that whether or not I marry, I am fulfilling my mission to win people to Jesus. Yes, I have sexual desires (sometimes very strong!), and as I approach my 30s I wonder when that libido may start to decrease. It can be hard to wait. I would definitely advise masturbation without lust as an outlet. That has helped me indescribably in my journey of understanding my body and preparing for possible marriage. Learn what works and feels good so you can guide your wife someday. You gain useful knowledge whether you marry or not. I know it's certainly no substitute for marital sex, but it is, I think, a gift from God to us singles! Praying for the sex lives of others is great too. I do that for several couples I know, including family members. Satan is on the attack where Godly marriages are concerned. I'll pray for you, brother, as you work through these things. Stay faithful and God bless you!
I grew up in a homeschool subculture, and thought I’d definitely be married in my early 20s. Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen.
I cycled between hating myself (for not being attractive enough) and hating women (for not noticing me, the Nice Guy Catch). I didn’t realise that was hatred at the time, but I do see it now.
I like the line from Cool Runnings (about gold medals 🥇): “If you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”
Marriage is like that too.
So my prayer for you is to go deep into your identity in Christ: that is where your worth and value are unshakeable. Get to know God as intimately as possible. Practice being real and vulnerable with Him, so that if/when someone comes into your life, they will find a man who is utterly grounded in who he is, and who is safe to be intimate and vulnerable around.
Hang in there, brother!
I was given one piece of advice while I was single that I'll pass on to you. Eph. 5 requires you to love your wife. Marry someone who is easy to love. It is great advice. I took it 53 years ago and have thanked God every day since for the girl He gave me.
Hey man I wish I had better answers for you but I'm right in the thick of it myself and if you haven't read my thoughts on this (and the wonderful discussion that's come of it) I would encourage you to do so (https://marriageheat.com/2023/09/07/is-god-enough/). I'm sorry you haven't gotten too many direct answers to your questions. There are similar posts asking similar questions and what I have found very helpful is the comments posted by others who have been through it themselves. I don't have a complete list but if you just browse the "Discussion" topic you can find them.
There's one in particular and I now don't know which one it is because I didn't save it, but had some really solid advice about what you should be doing when you're single: the part that stood out to me was praying that God will keep your future spouse safe and prepare her (or him if you're a girl reading this) for marriage with you. Supplemental to that I ask God to preserve and prepare me for HER because I want to serve my wife lovingly and selflessly. I wish I could remember exactly which post it was so I could link to it!
I dedicate my masturbation practice to God and my future wife as a way to learn about my body, its responses, and train to overcome urges to ejaculate as quickly as possible. I think there's a lot to be said about getting past the mindset of being goal-oriented or moving too quickly here, if all the advice that I've read is true. And I do a LOT of reading, whether it's articles (and books) on being a better lover or just a better husband in general. There are definitely books out there designed to prepare singles for fruitful and lasting marriages: FOR MEN ONLY by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn is one that really gave me perspective on the differences between men and women and how to improve communication. I'm sure there are others out there that I don't know yet (there is also a FOR WOMEN ONLY and I broke the rules by reading it sorry…but I definitely like what they have to say and agree with it).
And also I have started going to counseling to get some inner healing/deliverance because I realize that being single for so long has just kind of messed up my view of God (well that's not the only reason), and just ensure that I'm actually secure in myself and worthy of dating. I think I will continue with couples' counseling when I start dating or even before. I also don't see why I shouldn't start attending things like marriage conferences; there have to be things I can start applying now instead of waiting until I actually am married. Here are some discussions/topics I've found helpful:
https://marriageheat.com/2019/05/20/what-should-i-expect-in-a-future-marriage/
https://marriageheat.com/2018/01/19/waiting-sick-of-it/
https://marriageheat.com/2020/03/12/how-did-you-meet-your-current-spouse/
https://marriageheat.com/2023/04/02/talking-about-sex-when-your-spouse-wont-talk-about-sex/
There are others but I don't have all the links handy, sorry. Seek and ye shall find.
Hey I’m sorry it sounds like it’s been a tough time for you. I was married for 7 years but I want kids & she didn’t so got divorced. I’m also low 30s.
It is interesting cuz I rarely experienced loneliness while married. But it is more apparent being single. When I sit and rest with God in that pain, or “praying” without words, like we’re just hanging out in pain together, me and my Father. Ya know? That’s the most helpful prayer I’ve found.
If I get stuck with a bunch of crap in my mind, then sometimes I’ll sit and write out a prayer to God to cast my worries on him.
We don’t really know how to pray as we ought, didn’t Paul say that? Thankfully we can take a deep breathe when we remember Holy Spirit's praying for us and knows what we need.
My heart goes out to you. I hope this burden lightens.