Question about What’s Okay
Hi,
It’s my first time writing on here, and I wanted to get advice about what I should feel regarding my question. I do acknowledge that by bringing this question to this forum, I’m among friends and people who will not be judgmental. For that I am grateful. However, I do want honesty and sincerity in responses please. Let me know if this is ok or if I’ve crossed lines, in your opinions.
Preface: I am a worship leader and have been for many years. I’ve played in several churches, and for big crowds and small chapels. I’ve always put the service of worship leading on sacred level, and never once tried to “get famous” or play music for money or show. I’ve been told before that I should record, and that I could have been “big”, whatever that means. Without bragging or anything, I did start out in similar worship circles as Phil Wickham and Jeremy Camp and the likes. Maybe I could have been “big” like them, but I always felt like if I ever pursued a career in worship music, I was going to end up like Samson—blessed, but at risk of using the blessing for personal glory to my own destruction. So I have always been a church-only, outreach-only, Bible-study-only type worship leader. It’s been one of the greatest blessings of my life being used by God in these ways.
Now to the reason for my post. Recently, my wife and I were struggling in our marriage of almost 20 years. We have several kids, and things got stale. We felt like we weren’t “thriving” and more like just surviving. Sex was very infrequent, sometimes to the tune of nearly 6 months without any physical contact. This didn’t help any of my struggles with lust, and I am ashamed to confess I used porn at different times to jack off. It was a really low time for me, and she was not doing great either. Although if I’m being honest, I think she didn’t have the same physical struggles that I did. I actually think sex is very low on her priority list, and she could go for years without sex if needed.
These down times have caused me to wonder what life would have been like had I used the skills I have been blessed with for carnal purposes—think lead-singer-with-roadies type purposes. I’m sure porn has twisted my thoughts this way, and I’m actively praying for the Lord to renew my mind in this.
During this down period, my wife and I discussed different ideas to bring back the spark. We talked about going on vacations, or therapy, or some self-help type books that deal with stale marriages. We even considered using some of those types of movies that teach “best sex techniques”, but are basically just porn. We didn’t do that, but in a moment of desperation, we did consider it.
One thought that came up was fantasies. She really didn’t have any, which is still kind of a struggle for me. I wished she would be more erotic in her thinking, but it’s just not her thing. I shared with her my thought about being a carnal band front man. To my surprise, she seemed a bit turned on by it. So we picked a night, got the kids to bed, and decided to try it out.
I got naked, got my guitar out and started to play worship songs, because that’s all I play. (Again, I’m coming from a position of pretty strict thinking about leading worship and using the gift for the Lord’s glory, not my own.) She put on some lingerie and knelt in front of me, worshiping along with the songs.
After a few minutes, she took my cock into her mouth as I played my guitar. It was incredible. I played the guitar standing up in front of her as she was on her knees sucking my cock and balls. I continued playing for a few minutes more, but couldn’t last long since it had been so long since we had done anything. I put the guitar down, turned her around, and took her from behind right there on the floor. I didn’t last long at all. It was about two minutes of pounding, and then I blew a huge backed-up load all over her ass.
I felt sexual relief as balls were drained, and then the shame and grief set in. I felt like I had betrayed God by doing something sexual while singing worship songs. It’s been hard for me to really get over this.
For the last few years, we have gone up and down again in our sex life. We’ll have great sex in spurts—almost exclusively after she gets off her period and she’s more horny than usual—and then almost nothing till next month. And then on top of that, while leading worship in front of a congregation at church, this low-sex situation means I have vivid and distracting images of getting my cock sucked. It’s been really difficult to navigate.
My question is, with all this back and forth in my head regarding it, what should I feel? Should I ignore the guilt feeling or should I be begging God for forgiveness? Did I cross a line I’ll never be able to un-cross, or am I just dramatic and need to grow up? Did I do irreparable damage to my marriage and future sex life by blurring the lines of spiritual with sexual by fulfilling a fantasy that is founded in sinful desires?
Since that night, we have consistently gone through more slumps. My wife has suggested doing it again at times, and a really big part of me (my desperate erection) really, REALLY wants to do it again, but the aftermath I’ve been dealing with has caused me to stop myself from doing it, and we haven’t. I haven’t shared these struggles with her either, mainly because I know if I do, she will never want to do it again. She is very sensitive to these kinds of convictions, and if I even hint at it, she will run away from it.
What’s crazy is that she hasn’t indicated she has any reservations about it. She didn’t have any sort of negative reaction to it the night of, nor since. On the contrary, she seemed to really get into it, almost like she wanted to be a roadie. Maybe it’s just my imagination, but she really did get into blowing me that night, way more than usual. Maybe she wanted to be my roadie all along and we just never did anything like that because I’ve never been that kind of musician. I’m a worship leader, not a rock star.
All this has led me to bring this question to this forum, since it’s a safe place for sex related topics. I want to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord, and I want to continue to be blessed by leading worship and offering my gift for others to be blessed by it. I know that. I also want to have a better sex life. I want to experience what I read about on this forum. A lot. I almost put my name as “The Horny Worship Leader” but felt it would be crude. But it’s the truth. I wish I could have the sex life that I read about on here and have wild stories to share. This is the point when the thoughts start to creep in about “What if…”
I appreciate you taking the time to read my situation, and any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.
I think this summarizes your struggle: “I felt like I had betrayed God by doing something sexual while singing worship songs.” Rewrite the sentence and consider whether the alternate rendering elicits a guilt response. I felt like I had betrayed God (because I was driving to work) while singing worship songs. I felt like I had betrayed God (because I was showering) while singing worship songs. I felt like I had betrayed God (by doing fill in the blank) while singing worship songs.
While leading worship … at church, this low-sex situation means I have vivid and distracting images. I imagine more than one man has had distracting thoughts – in the lecture hall, at a board meeting, in the pulpit. I imagine some couples have devotions – Bible reading and prayer – before sex, if they are having it before going to sleep. For some it may be a part of foreplay.
position of using the gift for the Lord’s glory, not my own. It seems the gift enhanced an intimate moment with your wife. Is that in itself something that gives Him pleasure? To see his children doing what he intended for them to do?
Thanks so much carmelsk. I appreciate the feedback. I really do.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your roadie fantasy, most especially since you and your wife acted it out.
Let her be your roadie without shame or guilt. You’re husband and wife after all, and the sex is only between you two.
Enjoy the fantasy role-play.
When you’re in front of others, just picture your wife on her knees and the hot sex that follows.
Thanks KingdomMan. I really appreciate your encouragement. It's one of those things that is so hot to think about (sneaking hookin up behind stage or getting a blowjob after coming off stage) and i'm sure at this point in my life, there's no chance of it becoming a reality, but our session did scratch an itch so to speak…and that image in the mirror of me standing tall playing my guitar naked and my wife in her white open lingerie with her tits exposed, on her knees in front of me, cupping my balls and sliding her mouth all the way down to the hilt while i'm singing is a memory I'll never forget…
Hi WL.
I think I would suggest doing it again, but use something secular. Separate the music and worship. I get that is all you know, but it wouldn't take much to learn some other songs. I often put some music on during our lovemaking. Spotify has lots of 'music for sex' playlists! So music is a great backdrop to love, and I'm guessing your wife enjoys you playing. There's no harm in that at all but I would take the worship element away. Make a new memory that can help you remove the guilt of the last time. Yes I would say sorry to God. It won't change the way he feels about you, 'Your love never fails' and other lyrics you've sung a thousand times. But it allows you to move on.
There are countless ways to make your sex life better.
No 1 is always communication. Talk with her about what she wants. The more you talk, the easier it gets.
Her needs are just as strong as yours but not the same at all. She wants to feel cherished, loved, adored. (And by the way, she wants to still feel it after the event, not just during it). For most women, their big question is 'Am I lovable? \ Do you still love me?' and she likely needs to hear that every day,… like … forever!
Just cos you said it at the alter 20 odd years ago does not settle it once and for always!
Compliment her often and in front of others.
The 'she comes (cums) first' is a good principle. Ideally twice or three times before you.
If you can give her a 30 minute naked massage before you even touch her naughty bits. Or maybe sing 3 whole love songs to her while she touches herself I'm betting would get you both pretty heated up!
And btw, in my opinion, get rid of porn altogether. It's corrosive and damaging to you, and hurtful to her.
And schedule sex. Make weekly a good target.
All the very best. Your marriage and sex life can get better, and go on getting better your whole lives. It is the very best thing you have on earth to invest in.
Thanks a lot BritBloke for shooting it straight. I appreciate it. I know that the porn was a mistake…i felt so condemned after i would cum from stroking to porn that it wasn't worth the release…it would make me feel like i'm not good enough for my wife to want to take care of my physical needs and left me to "figure it out" on my own…it's been an ongoing rollercoaster with her and our sex life. my preferences and libido have always been higher and more adventurous than hers, which i believe is somewhat normal (however, if the women on this forum were to be the barometer of how horny most Christian wives are, maybe she's in the minority!)
We have had a great life together and with the fruit of our love being a family with kids, i wouldn't change a thing…would just love to get back to the fire and passion and "can't keep our hands off each other" kind of love again
I’m of the opinion that worship is not just about singing songs in church, although I love doing that. Instead, worship is something that happens in every area of life including that of physical intimacy in marriage.
So I don’t think you crossed a line, in fact, you could argue that you worshipped the Lord in a very real way as you engaged in sexual activity. If this was the only way it happened then I would be concerned but the occasional worship session while you wife shows her devotion to God and desire for you is a wonderful act, and far healthier than porn.
Thanks for that encouragement story_smith. Really appreciate it. And i fully agree…being able to have sex with my wife in any capacity is far better than porn and jacking off…never actually accomplishes what you're settin out to do…just leaves you feelin disappointed…never felt that from havin sex with my wife
Sex in a loving marriage is worship. I'm convinced of that. God created couples to have sex with each other. We need not separate the spiritual from the sensual. I'm linking a couple of my stories that hopefully captures this. Blessings, brother.
Day of Love (L) – https://marriageheat.com/2025/06/20/day-of-love/
Holy Love – https://marriageheat.com/2024/05/27/holy-love/
Wow those stories were so hot! Thanks for sharing! And i agree, true worship is far more than singing songs, but I guess I never viewed being erotic and sensual and sexy as being worshipful…i am re-evaluating my doctrine on marriage as i type this! Thanks again!
That encouraged me, brother! If I can help anyone rethink their views of sex as a Christian, I'm grateful. Maybe because people here helped me.
The Lord said to Adam – look at Eve, think sexual thoughts of her, let her see you with an erection.
Encourage her to have sexual thoughts of you, let her see you stroking your erection.
Rejoice in the bodies I gave you, suck and fuck, and masturbate each other and yourselves.
Read the Song of Songs/Solomon.
Read commentary on it.
Read what I wrote: https://marriageheat.com/2024/06/02/masturbation-as-sexual-purity/
Read what a pastor her on MH wrote: https://marriageheat.com/2022/04/26/joyous-incarnation/
I would change your name to "The horny worship leader", you have a problem connecting sex with things holy – God made sex! It is good. Read my comment on the Shulammite, she is one of the holiest women in the bible: https://marriageheat.com/2013/06/28/solomons-bride/#comment-60344
Thanks so much sarah k. I loved your take on how the Lord told Adam and think sexually about her. That is so fuckin hot (pardon my French). I really wish I had had this kind of premarital counselling before we got married…it would have been so freeing and our sex lives would have avoided several slips and trips and falls along the way if we had gone into the marriage covenant with the understanding that we NEED to get freaky with each other in order to please God…I love the visual of Adam seeing Eve for the first time and his cock starting to swell and him not know what it meant and Eve seeing his cock and starting to get wet…how absolutely glorious and beautiful would that scene have been as the first man and first woman discovered sex in the garden of Eden…i'm betting since it happened before the fall that God Himself was there guiding and maybe even instructing them what to do and how to do it…so hot to think about
Hey TWL, welcome to MH! We're glad you found us, and hopefully we can offer something that can help you.
There are two different issues here:
1) Guilt over combining sex and worship
2) Low frequency of sex
On the first point, there's no need for guilt. You didn't do anything wrong. Singing worship to God is good. Sex within marriage is good. It's not common to combine them in our culture, which triggers guilty feelings due to social programming, but social programming isn't morality. It sometimes sends incorrect signals, like here. But despite those malfunctioning social propriety signals from your conscience, there's nothing wrong about what you did. As story-smith pointed out, anything non-sinful we do can be worship. That obviously involves worship music, but that includes sex too. God made sex, he knows we have sex, he WANTS us to have sex, and he wants us to enjoy it! Embracing and enjoying the gift of sexuality glorifies God as the giver of that gift, especially when we acknowledge him as such. In that sense, sex and singing are totally compatible as ways to worship God.
Don't ask for forgiveness for this, because you did nothing wrong. But also don't ignore the feeling of guilt. Work through it. Ask why you think you're feeling it, identify the reasons, tell yourself why those reasons are right or (almost certainly) wrong, and use that to set yourself free from them. If you just ignore the feeling of guilt or push it down, that will make you constantly uneasy, and also train you to ignore your conscience, which is dangerous. But if you instead preach the truth to yourself, then you will come to "know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32). And how do you know the truth? By abiding in God's word and being Jesus' disciple (John 8:31). Preach God's word to yourself, which overwhelmingly teaches that sex within marriage is good, pure and holy, and that it is good to worship God and thank him for such gifts.
Also, don't worry about "blurring the lines between the sexual and the spiritual". They're not separate things. Sex is the chief act of marriage, a covenant and relationship that represents the relationship between Christ and the Church, which is obviously a deeply spiritual thing. So the two aren't separate.
The only place I could see that you MAYBE strayed into wrong or unhealthy territory is embracing a fantasy of a sinful situation in an unhealthy way, which you mentioned as a possibility. There's a level of roleplay that is harmless fun, but I'm of the view that sometimes playing out certain fantasies of illicit sex can be wrong—not always, but sometimes. It's partially related to the specific fantasies being played out, but more about the state of your hearts. Only you can know if it's just playing pretend, or if it's a way to get the enjoyment of sin by just pretending to do it rather than acting it out in reality. But if that's not the case here, then I struggle to see how anything you did could possibly be wrong.
As for the low frequency of sex, there could be many potential reasons for it. It sounds like you and your wife have great sex SOMETIMES, it's just inconsistent. It sounds like your wife is up for sex at certain times in her cycle, and it's common for a woman's sex drive to change with her cycle. What seem to be the reasons why sex doesn't happen at other times of the month? You say sex seems to be a low priority for her, so do you think this is just a manifestation of that? I'm assuming you try to initiate at other times. When that happens, does she just say no or make an excuse? Does she just let other normal things like childcare, appointments and chores get in the way?
Relational distance can sometimes be a cause of infrequent sex, but if she is open to sex and enjoys it at certain times, then relationship issues seem like a less likely cause.
It's also possible that underlying medical/hormonal issues are contributing to her low drive, though again, the phases of good sex seem to indicate that's a less likely cause. But it could still be worthwhile to have the low-drive issue checked out by her primary care doctor, or even a specialist, just to rule out the most common medical causes.
My best guess—and it's only a guess—is that she (or maybe both of you) could have some wrong mindsets or beliefs about sex. And they're probably subconscious. Near the end of your post, you say she has a hypersensitivity to convictions about certain sexual things being wrong, and that tells me perhaps she has some unhealthy beliefs about sex. Some part of her may still be afraid that sex is dirty or frowned-upon by God, even if her mind and her Bible knowledge tell her that sex is a good thing. If you guys have been married 20 years, you may have grown up with a lot of Purity Culture teachings. While well-intentioned, Purity Culture caused a lot of serious damage to many Christians' views on sex, as many well-intentioned but poorly-thought-out things do. The biggest problem, I think, was that they put such a heavy emphasis on NOT having sex that it trained people that sex was something to stay away from. Then when sex suddenly becomes okay in marriage, because they were given messages that were 95% "No" and only 5% "Yes, but only here," people have a hard time making the transition into fully embracing sex in marriage. Many people who grew up under Purity Culture never fully make that transition into fully embracing sexuality unless they get extra outside help to counter those old damaging messages. Thankfully, there are lots of good resources around now that do exactly that. Author, blogger and researcher Sheila Gregoir—though I don't agree with everything she says—does pretty good work in this area. I have read and wholeheartedly recommend her books "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex", "The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex", and "The Great Sex Rescue".
If your wife has a low sex drive most of the time, except for certain phases of her cycle, it may also be that she has a common but false background belief that you have to be "in the mood" to have sex. People need to realize that's not true. It's entirely possible to CHOOSE to be in the mood—not always, but very often. Like most things in life, making a certain choice and working toward it doesn't guarantee success, but it DOES guarantee that the chance of success will be astronomically higher than if we just drift without any special effort toward our goal. Waiting to be in the mood for sex is exactly like that. In the same way, if someone (like your wife) intentionally turns her thoughts toward sex in a positive and open way, she would almost certainly become more willing as she chooses that mindset moment by moment.
There's also an idea that I first saw mentioned by Christian marriage blogger Jay Dee, who runs a very helpful and thought-provoking blog called Uncovering Intimacy. The idea is that there are different ways that sexual desire is sparked: spontaneously and responsively. Spontaneous desire means that sexual interest can kinda come out of nowhere, or is sparked very easily. Responsive desire means that the mind rarely wanders to sexual thoughts on its own, and often needs some kind of prompting to go to a sexual place. Both men and women can experience both kinds of desire at different times, and to differing degrees, but it appears that men tend a little more toward having spontaneous desire (which leads them to initiate) and women tend a little more toward having responsive desire (which leads them to not think about sex as much, and yet still be open to advances). Your wife may benefit from embracing a few ideas like these: she often experiences responsive desire, it's okay if she's not "in the mood" (or experiencing spontaneous desire) the same instant you initiate something sexual, and it's okay for her to go along with it in an unaroused state until she becomes aroused. For many of us, perhaps it's like getting exercise. We dread the effort of getting up, putting shoes on, and going for a walk, but once we're outside, it's actually quite enjoyable, and we're glad we put in the effort. Pretty soon, we train ourselves to more easily overcome that initial effort, because we remember that we enjoy the worthwhile results.
Although I mentioned that I don't think relational issues are the main factor here, they could play a part. I would recommend to ANY couple, whether struggling or thriving, to focus on their marriage relationship as much as possible. Spend time together, talk about dreams and shared values, and do things together that are meaningful to both of you, even if it means making lifestyle changes. Your marriage is infinitely more important than the kids' soccer league or volunteering to help someone at church for the third time this week. If something has to fall off the plate, your focused marriage-building time should be the LAST thing to go, not the first.
And if you're struggling with frequency, I'd suggest that you probably don't need something new to spice it up. You need to shore up the foundations before you try to build higher. If your car's sputtering, you don't need a nitro boost, you just need to fill up the gas tank with regular, qualify fuel so you're not running on fumes. If you're starving, you don't need a 200-dollar dessert from a 5-star restaurant, you just need some good ol' meat, potatos and vegetables. There's nothing wrong with getting a little extra spicy if you want, I just personally think that adding novelty can draw the focus away from the relationship of the act, when it sounds like you really need to start by rekindling that foundational-level, human-to-human, man-to-woman, husband-to-wife relational connection. That reconnection may be best served not by a new roleplay fantasy, but by a straightforward dinner date, a shower together, some slow kissing, a few "I love you"s, a half-hour of foreplay, some nice missionary sex, and falling asleep naked in each other's arms. That may not be what solves the problem for you, but it resonates with me. Might be worth a try, at least.
Your wisdom is always a blessing, Patient. I think I learned a few new things just from your comment!
Thank you, LLL, I sincerely appreciate your kind words. If anything I say is useful or true, I'd be a fraud to take credit for it myself. I'm merely conveying what I've been taught by God, and by others with wisdom who have come before me. But it brings joy to my heart to know that the gifts I've been blessed with are able to reach beyond me and bless others as well.
That was very well written and well thought out. Really appreciate it PatientPassion. And I totally see what you're saying…sometimes when things get cold or routine, spicing it up with lingerie and a sex swing or a new place to have sex is not as important to the root problem as relationship…I did take some of your advice last night as a matter of fact…I took her out to dinner and to do some Christmas present exchanging (since my super power seems to be getting the exact thing she wants but just in a size either too big or too small…) and we did get a chance to hang out for a bit and just talk and get dinner…it was like we were almost dating again! lol! She shared a lot of what's been on her mind and it was refreshing…later on, she came to bed with no pants on and we had a great night…she had her vibrator out and was on her side and i was spooning her, teasing her with my cock as i massaged her bare back….i was intentionally going slow and not jumping right in to what I was hoping for (and eventually got) but just teased while she used her toy…after a bit i started sliding in the bed down a bit until i had her perfect ass in my face and I was sinking my tongue deep into her sweet tasting honeypot while she used her toy….she was moaning and convulsing and so hot….eventually i was on my knees while she was on her side with her legs tight holding her vibrator in place as i drove my cock into her from the side…i was holding her perfect waist in the front with my right hand, cupping her ass with my left as I was on my knees pumping…it was so freakin hot….i didn't fall asleep till nearly 1am!
I am not God, nor a specialist, so what I offer is just from me.
1. Define what you think by God's Word. The Bible speaks. It is written by the Holy Spirit. Problem is we have a few other voices we listen to. All other voices, than God, is compromised by sin. The Holy Spirit within you will not go against scripture. You can trust the Bible. You can trust God. Start confirming your fears. Are they correct? As an example: your scene, which was hot, was not a sin. Why? Because, it was with your wife. You were not hiding yourselves wanting each other to actually be someone else. It was you two acting out a scene. Which, I estimate just the change of place could've been the only thing needed, but the guitar & her in her lingerie was just added bonus.
2. You are 2nd guessing the truth. Where in the Bible does it say thou shalt not role play, use accessories, or have sex as a form of worship to God? It doesn't. God made your bodies. He never says missionary position sex is His only approved sex. He never says only have sex in your master bedroom bed. Part of this is about you being your worst enemy. Our lives are not perfect in these bodies. We cannot think that a God honoring life will bring us perfect ease of use & every desire fulfilled. All of creation is corrupted. Your worries & fears are not the Holy Spirit speaking to you. The Bible says that satan is the father of lies, & is called the accuser. Not God. God speaks in a still small voice. He equips the saint. And, He is an advocate, & friend. If He convicts of a sin, He offers forgiveness, grace, & His patient presence. He will never leave you, nor forsake you. Learn to take God at His Word, & believe.
3. You will always have you in your thoughts. Tradition can be a real "bitch" to the believer. We have long held conclusions that take us through the wringer. Many of these foregone conclusions have never been challenged. They never needed to be until reality shows up. We cannot be staunch know-it-alls until we hit an extreme dry spell in bed. Satan & you will want to beat yourself up til you can't anymore. The key is to sift through reactions & hold to the truth. Only. Talk back to the lies, put them in their place. Take thoughts captive. Trust that where there is no sin, there is no sin. Did you have sex outside of your marriage? No, you didn't. So, no sin. Did you intend to have sex outside of your marriage? If you did, you didn't tell us in your post. I read, you didn't. No sin there, either. Go with the truth, not the lie. God has your back. You will live.
4. Husbands & wives are different. There are as many on MH that do not have sex as they want, as do. Another lie we can believe is we are the only one. Daniel had to go through the lion's den & he did not sin, that God would put him there. Shadrach, Meshach, & Abednigo (sorry if I butchered the spelling) had to go through the furnace & they did not sin. Following God on the path of life is the hard way. It is going to be hard on your best day. God is not punishing you for looking at porn. Your wife had her temperament before she ever married you. A stale marriage bed can indicate things you need to learn. So, learn to be her husband whether you have sex or not, first. Sex is not a guarantee. Jesus went to the cross for people that abused Him prior. Our walk is to love our enemy, pray for them, & do good to them. If that applies to an enemy, it surely applies to a wife/husband. If you want more sex but she doesn't look into masturbation, or couples therapy, or learn who your wife is & speak/do things that help her put her arms around you, rather than up to keep you away. Stale sex is not a result of sin. It is something to be work out, if you can.
5. Fantasy is not actuality. Thoughts are to be taken captive. They are not to be allowed to run away with us. But, notions, acknowledgment, what ifs, or daydreams are not lust. Some thoughts get mistaken for lust, but have nothing to do with wanting to actually sin. God shows all kinds of sinful sex stories to us. Reading them is not a sin. Understanding, or seeing the details of them are not sin. The world sins around us. God & the world put thoughts in our brain. Thinking is what the brain does. It is what comes out of our thinking (actions, fruit) that defiles us. Jesus made the point that what goes in is not the defiling factor, but what comes out from our heart. We can acknowledge that stealing your neighbors car is an option. We can even picture ourselves stealing it & driving it against his will. But, you will never do it. Fantasy doesn't always mean you want to do it. A lot of times it is just thinking through a scene that could be, but never will be. Many fantasies happen BECAUSE they will never actually happen. Control what you want. See what you want. But, know God has His final word that keeps things in the right perspective. If you think you are sinning with a fantasy then you are. But, know what sin it is. It is not lust if you are not making it happen. Yet, you may believe it is a sin because it is not your wife. Confess it to God, ask His forgiveness, & work at using your wife, or more acceptable scenarios, within the fantasy, or quit fantasizing. None of this has to be told to your wife, since she has proven to not handle it well. But, fantasy, not lust, is ok. But, you may need to sift through it with the Bible & not just apply worry, lies, & accusation to youself for doing it.
6. Enjoy God in your sex. The worship scene you speak of is ok. It's not a sin. Sex can be, & is, a form of worship to God. It says nothing of this in the Bible. But, it is an act of obedience. It is God made. You had sex with your wife, that is not a sin. Sure, you may now have to deal with the new value of sex with your wife mixed in with Sunday worship leading up on the stage. Yet, I think that would be an easier challenge to solve if you were not thinking you sinned by mixing the two with your wife. Name one scripture that tells us what you did was a sin. There isn't one. But, you now have that memory association. I would say, make more of those great sinless/righteous memories. Allow your worship to be greater because of this new dimension. I don't think you'll get an erection on stage. Especially, if you are raising your consciousness to Him, at the time. Use the experience to fuel the fire of your heart to God. Sex with your wife is righteous conduct. Plus, if you accept the experience as God approved I am willing to bet your wife would love to hear that you thought of her sucking you off while up there praising the Lord & leading all those people. It might even lead to a sexy romp behind the stage somewhere. Appropriately, of course.
7. Treat your wife like you want her to treat you. Don't allow the roadie (etc.) thoughts to be revenge against your wife for not having sex. Our minds, satan, etc. will use any excuse to get you to beat yourself up, get depressed, feel shame & guilt. That is way less about sex, as it is more a ploy of our flesh to distract us from our Lord & Savior. That's the end game of the flesh & the devil. The sex is just what they know affects you most. Turn your love on. For God & for her. Make good on your marriage vows. If worst comes to worst & you divorce (just saying, not thinking it will) you still did your best before God, & loved her as you should have. But, honestly, that is God's solution. If we love others we love God. All this is a ploy to knock you off your man-of-God-game. Seek Him first. See His view of your wife. She is His & He has a plan for her to get to Heaven & be affective on earth. Support that. Be that man in her life that picks up his cross & follows Jesus, daily. Work the sex out as you can, but only hold it as God gives it. You are a forgiven son of the King. You are equipped. Believe it.
Wow, so good. I feel like I just sat thru a marriage counselling where everyone tells me I didn't do it wrong and in fact, i need to do it more…what a great kind of counselling!
I can say that divorce is never an option with us. She came from a divorced home and we established early on, it's for better or worse and till death do us part whether we like it or not! Lol! So far it's been far more fun and good than bad. Just can go thru the doldrums of parenting sometimes.
Advice from an older married woman who has survived the downs and ups of a 40 year marriage (my second). Your struggles are normal and unavoidable. HANG IN THERE. Passion ebbs and flows. Intimacy is mostly communication. It doesn’t have to lead to great sex. For a while, good sexual experiences for us were like pearls on a long necklace with spaces in between. Talk to her about your needs. When Tom was super horny and I wasn’t, I held him, nursed him, talked to him while he masturbated, included him in my masturbation sessions or told him about mine. Ask her to help you. Love requires intimacy. If it involves sex, fine, but it doesn’t have to. Be patient. As your kids get older, and she survives menopause, sex returns. Trust God on this. It’s worth waiting for. Meanwhile, stay as healthy as you can! Our 30s were great. Busy, fun, emotional. Dating, Marriage, small children. Not much sex after kids. It’s tough. We Learned a lot. 40s, 50s, some very tough sledding, financial difficulties, health issues, family drama, but with mountain peaks in between. Forgiveness and personal responsibility for inevitable failures. Our sixties and now into our 70s has been our best time. Talk, touch, be together. God bless you both.
Wow NaughtyWife64…you got me hard just talking about the ways you help your husband when sex is not an option…i would love for my wife to nurse me and talked dirty to me while i stroke….that sounds so hot….i can't wait to get her alone again and you guys being hot and horny in your 70's gives me hope that the best is still yet to cum!
This encouraged me, but also made me sad for my parents. My mom recently said she was ready for the sex part of their marriage to be done.
LLL, your mother, that is wrong. If she has no interest in sex, she should be working on that.
She should also at least be sucking your dad off or/and using her hands, and encouraging his wanking and praising him.
sarah k, what you said may be true, but a woman who has no interest in sex isn’t going to do anything about the sexual needs of her husband.
Of course, I don’t know LLL’s parents, and I don’t mean them harm in any way, but the reality of a marriage where one spouse is sexual and the other is not is very difficult.
In such cases, the sexual spouse has most likely tried everything, said everything, and done everything he or she can to bring about a resolution or compromise.
The sad fact is in most cases, the non-sexual spouse just doesn’t care enough about the other’s needs to do anything about it.
It just isn’t a simple solution.
Dear Worship Leader,
I edited this post a few weeks ago. I have been very anxious to share my thoughts on the matter.
Lots of good advice here. I would reiterate most of it and say that God was happy with you and your wife’s role play sex that was so intense and memorable. God actually commands married couples to be sexually intimate. It IS part of His glory.
My wife n I discovered role play sex from MH stories. Like your wife, my wife gets into role play and goes “all vixen!” She gets uber turned on! Role play has led to some of our most memorable sexual experiences- and we’ve only been doing role play for a few years of our 30+ year marriage.
We don’t feel that we have offended God when we have an over-the-top role play. We feel that He is happy for us! We even have an ongoing role play that is part of most of our lovemaking sessions.
A few years ago my Melody was going to have back surgery and so sexual intercourse was going to be off the menu. So out of love and sensitivity to my needs she bought me a male vibrating stroker.
The first time we used it she named it “Julia” & began talking for Julia as I stroked my cock & Melody orally loved on my nips. I was so surprised when Melody – talking for Julia, said things like, “Oh Tommy, I love having you up in my pussy. I love riding your big cock! I love fucking you and you fucking me!”
Over the years we have both taken turns talking for Julia and had fun conversations as I was “fucking” Julia & Melody was licking & sucking my man-nips: “ Do you like my light brown skin? My boobs aren’t as big as Melody’s are.”
Then Melody answers back, “He loves our boobs no matter the size!”
Julia says, “I love the size of your big boobs, Melody.”
Melody answers, “They CAN be a pain, but our Tommy sure likes them. But he likes yours too!”
Julia is Melody’s role play alter ego. Melody & I – with Julia – do this as foreplay and to give me an orgasm on off-days where Melody n I are not having full sexual intercourse.
We feel no guilt for this. We both think that you need feel no guilt for your roadie role play with your lovely and sexy wife. In fact, we feel you two should embrace the role play and revel in the sexual joy you share!
We have role played many scenarios and I have written about them for MH. We feel no guilt for the scintillating sex we have shared in role play. And those intense sex sessions are still making love! You could call it memorable lovemaking that seals our marital bond even more.
As far as you singing worship music during a sexy role play with oral sex… we would say that is a wonderful idea. Embrace it! If you wife enjoys it (& it’s clear she does). I think that you do her a disservice to not do this role play frequently. Or at least do it once in a while. It may reignite your marital love life! And please don’t feel guilty for doing something that works so beautifully! I am sure that God is HAPPY for you both!
I read a talk a few years ago where a Christian minister said that, “Satan wants us to have sex as much as possible before marriage- and as little as possible after marriage.”
So your roleplay was beautiful. I’m thinking of trying it out. I too play guitar. As far as sex connection to spiritual music, that is no problem for God. To be blunt, don’t make it a problem for you and your marriage. I remember a MH story where a minister’s wife showed up at his office in the church. She successfully seduced him and they fucked right there in his office. The building was empty n the office door was locked. I am POSITIVE that Heavenly Father was delighted with two of his married offspring enjoying the sexual part of marriage – and them being in the church was no problem for Him.
So again, don’t feel guilty for connecting religious music with sex. During all of last month we had sex with a fireplace video with Christmas music playing. Many of the songs were religious Christmas carols. We didn’t have a problem with it. By the way, we also used halite lamps to give the room and our skin that fireplace glow.
I know I’ve been preachy but I really want you to see that God is happy for you two. He wants you to enjoy that precious gift of marriage that includes shared sexual pleasure. Spirituality and marriage sex go hand in hand. You playing religious worship music as your sexy wife kindly and enthusiastically gave you amazing oral sex was AWESOME! It was not degrading it was uplifting! You two fucking intensely in doggy-style was wonderful too.
Your guilt is misplaced. If anything, God is happy for you, not angry. He WANTS you and your wife to enjoy intense sexual pleasure and experiences like this together!
I will end by saying that we frequently say silent prayers for each other during sex sessions. With our health issues we need the extra help and guidance from God and His Holy Spirit. We strive to embrace our spirituality with our sexuality. This makes us love God and each other even more!
WOW LovingMan I am so appreciative of your long hot response! I am so thankful I'm gettin advice from you. The way you and your wife enjoy the entirety of sex with no inhibitions and full of eroticism and imagination and fantasy is truly inspiring! That is so hot! And I highly recommend you trying it out…playing my guitar and thinking about where my hands should go and the strumming and finger picking, all the while having my super hot wife in lingerie sucking and massaging my cock and and milking and edging me is a top 5 sex moment for me…10/10 highly recommend and what I've learned from posting this is that I need to get the eff out of my own head and get back into the bedroom with her and maybe try writing some songs…she can be my muse and my lover at the same time
Conviction comes from two places. The Holy Spirit or the enemy and accuser of our souls.
We need to pay heed which it is.
If you pray and seek leading we"ll determine the truth.
Then our job is to obey.
Thanks a lot Tutchh. Appreciate that. I often carry a lot of mental baggage and the shame and guilt of past sins often find their way to the for front of my mind…especially sexual stuff. I was legit just thinking the other day that I can still remember the first dirty magazine I ever saw at 7 or 8…those things never get out once they’re in. It’s hard to feel forgiven at times when I still remember the things I did (and honestly, I sometimes get off on the bad things…it’s a vicious cycle). I do appreciate the comment tho
Hi. I'm very judgemental and I don't see anything wrong with being your wife's personal naked rock star. I thought you were going to confess to something perverted and emasculating. Rejoice in getting her horny.
Thanks IsoHorny! I appreciate the encouragement!
WL – I'll get straight to the point, it appears you may be suffering from to much "Church doctrine". It sounds to me like you are trying to separate sex from God. It's like the political nonsense that there is a separation of Church and State. In my research, both appear to be misguided. Satan has influenced church doctrine to make good things bad and vice versa. Your feeling that making money by using your God given talent is somehow wrong, is sad. God has never said making money is bad, he said it's the "love of money" (greed) that is bad. I would encourage you to follow your heart and talent regarding music. And just so you know where my thoughts come from, I have a daughter who has two Bachelor's degrees, one in music and one in worship arts.
As for the sexual issues, one of Satan s biggest lies is how the church views the Song of Songs. It is how God intended for us to enjoy sex. The "Church" has tried to make it about everything else except sex. Personally, I think your wife has the right idea. Worship and sex go hand in hand and the fact that she gets turned on by it is proof positive. You need to stop trying to separate them and start appreciating what God has given you. Honestly, I feel he was sending you a very direct answer to your prayers about your life and marriage. How could I know that? I'll tell you how. I read your story earlier today (Sunday) and was immediately moved to respond to it. However, as the day went on Satan kept distracting me with other stuff. Tonight, as we were saying our prayers it hit me that I had not responded like he told me too. I asked forgiveness and said I would take care of it tomorrow because I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. However, 2 hrs later I still wasn't able to sleep so I got up get some milk. Care to guess where I am right now? At the island in our kitchen answering the call.
I hope my reply makes sense to you. The content was devinely inspired. Also, I have not read any of the other replies. I hope they echo the same theme and best wishes for your marriage.
Man Horndog53, I can’t express enough how much I appreciate this. The fact that you came back to reply after being prompted to is so encouraging. I really mean it. It sincerely makes my concerns feel seen and heard.
So I do have a story that will serve as a confirmation that your word was from God and heard by me and implemented and now I have a praise report: I read your reply to this post a week ago but I couldn’t respond due to a work trip I was on with my wife. I read it and was so encouraged I pulled out my bible in the hotel room and read the whole book of Song of Solomon to my wife while she was in the bathroom getting ready for dinner. She came out of the bathroom in lingerie instead and said, “I think God wants us to fuck before dinner”. We sucked and fucked for no joke 2 hours. 10/10 highly recommend reading the book of Song of Solomon to your wife in a hotel room or any night really.
Hi TheWorshipLeader. I too have been a worship leader and have been compared to famous ones as well. I also struggled with the same issues. Due to abuse issues, my wife has never been very sexual at all.
As to what you should feel about your worship time being sidetracked for some physical intimacy; THANK GOD for it. Paul writes that the marriage of man and woman is supposed to be a micro-picture of God and His congregation. In prayerful study of that point several decades ago I came to the conclusion that marital sex is the analog to our worship of HIM. While we may think of sex as 2 sided and worship as one sided, that is actually not true.
Hebrews 2:11-12 New American Standard Bible 1995
11 For both He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified are all from one Father; for which reason He [Jesus] is not ashamed to call them brethren, 12 saying, “I will proclaim Your name to My brethren,
In the midst of the congregation I will sing Your praise.”
When we sing and get lost in worship, Jesus is right there with us doing the same.
Thanks so much for the reply Watts2! I really appreciate it and it’s encouraging to know there’s other worship leaders on this site that are struggling with the same stuff as I am
TWL,
My advice is similar to Britbloke. Rather than feel as if you are "betraying God" by using worship music to encourage sex, have a different set of music for sex. And, although I do somewhat agree with LLL that "sex is worship" (see Proverbs 30:19), I also understand your desire to "not mix the holy with the profane". In my opinion, this is even more true regarding the WORDS than the music.
So, save your worship music for worship alone (as you said). For sex nights, play some sexy guitar music. You don't even need to sing (unless it turns your wife on). Here are a couple of suggestions.
For a soft and slow mood, "Rip Tide" by The Majestics.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXnzDshor5k
For a "wham, bam, git r done" mood, "Malaguena" by Roy Clark.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxDQQDF6j0Y
If she is into the "roadie" fantasy, then consider that — for her — it's NOT AT ALL about the music. Rather, it's about her pretending that she is young, naive, and "under your spell". Let her suck your cock all she wants. Be sure to "own" her by cumming all over her face.
You're welcome. 😉
Thanks so much TurnedOn47. I think I am gonna do that next time…I was actually talking to my wife the other day and she suggested I learn a song that was not Christian to my knowledge and when I asked “oh ya?” She gave me an eye raised look and said “ya why not? You can play it for me sometime in the room…” 🤘🏾
First of all, many marriages go though the same staleness so don’t give up. Second, your wife does not need sex as much as you do. That’s a biological fact. Open up to her and explain how much you need it. She probably doesn’t know. My husband has shared with me his deep need for sex and bc I know that I try to be more available to him. Third, sex in marriage is glorifying to God so I don’t think what you did was wrong at all. God is not ashamed of sex or even things we would consider “dirty” as long as it says one man and his wife and both people are in agreement. Pray about your feeling and ask God to help you and your wife bring him glory through your sex. Try praying together. That might be a way to really hit it off. Communication with your wife is key on this issue.
I would second most of this advice from ForHim, but I'd also urge caution on one point.
While SOMETIMES the wife does have the lower drive, and SOMETIMES there are biological reasons behind that, that statement cannot be generalized to all women or all couples. In a minority, but still significant fraction of marriages, it's actually the wife who has the higher drive! I've heard that's the case in anywhere from 20-40% of couples, which is not at all uncommon. And in some cultures, the woman was/is assumed to be the one with the higher need for sex, whereas modern Western Christian culture tends to assume it's the man. Both can't be right, and we shouldn't assume we're the ones who are. The Bible doesn't give any indication that either sex was designed to have a higher sex drive either. So we should be careful about making sweeping generalizations like this, because they can have unintended effects. Framing the issue as "The man NEEDS sex, and the woman just doesn't understand that" has had some negative effects on couples' mindsets around sex, along with other Purity Culture-esque teachings. It is sometimes true, but generalizing it as a status quo is counterproductive. Each couple has different biology and different personal histories that impact their sexuality, and they must be treated as individual units.
So much good advice before – a couple different angles:
– "What should I feel?" I had to learn from a good Christian counselors, there are no shoulds in feelings; they are what they are. It is what you do with those feelings that is God-honoring or sinful. So hopefully you can start to be released from that
– Id suggest to move Song of Solomon high-up on your bible study list. And preferably with other marrieds, or group of guys; I grew up in a Baptist, bible-focused church, and don't believe I ever read that book until a young-married group my wife and I attended. That really moved my needle of sex from a shame aspect, or even just a side-thing, to a part of worship itself.
I found your description her acting out your fantasy as VERY God-honoring, per the Song of Solomon. Among many others, SoS 7:7-8 could help you start to move beyond guilt of trying to put worship in a box separate from sexual experiences with your wife; they can be one-in-the-same!
Thanks so much InTime! I appreciate the response. I actually recently read the book of Song of Solomon to my wife when we were alone in a hotel and holy shit balls….ill be remembering those mental images for a looong time
Hi there,
I read this and my first thoughts were to tell you that you just need to let go of guilt. This is original translation of "forgiveness of sins". In old Slavonic language of eastern church, it is even worded as "Let go of my debts" in the Lord's prayer (I paraphrase slightly). So, let go, stop the guilt, Jesus didn't want that for you, His burden is light, not heavy.
Secondly, if that fantasy worked which you assume your wife likes, then go with it. But my advice, don't tie it in with your worship. Why? Because worship is a recognition of Divine and time of thanksgiving. I do not agree with those here who say that this must or can be part of worship, because in worship, mind must be clear.
Instead, sing other songs with wife, normal songs of famous bands or artists that you like, live the fantasy as if you really were lead singer with groupie.
Remember, God gave us allowance in beginning – "Be fruitful and multiply". Sex is a right in marriage. Too many Christians today wait to only give up their virginity in marriage, only to divorce in year or two or lead a loveless marriage, I have seen far too often, this. Contrary, I have seen many people who had partners, or at least slept together, before they married and led happy lives together. I do not condone wanton promiscuous behaviour but I also don't agree that marriage is license for sex. Marriage only guarantees a right to sex in this regard.
But remember, you are in family now and you must, for sake of your society, protect this family unit first. If there is anything outside that takes priority over family, even your worship band, you must leave it. Church is not priority here, it is just a building. Real church starts with family, then neighbour, then friends.
Get this order and rest will follow.
Hello Friend! I found your post rather interesting. You have to remember, [God] created sex to be between a married man and a married woman. The Bible says that the marriage bed is [undefiled]. Personally, I look at sex/intimacy as a form of worship unto God. It is the highest form of earthly love and passion in my opinion. There have been times while being intimate that I've prayed to last longer, or to focus more on her pleasure than my own. There have been times where we have used erotic films to help Jumpstart things between us. As long as you and your wife are at peace about your specific situation, I would give glory to God that things are getting back on track.
Ask your wife what turns her on about giving you head while you play the guitar. Maybe instead of playing worship music, find a nice jazz piece instead. Ultimately, I believe God intended for us married folks to have fun and be creative in the bedroom. The only caveat is that we both be in agreement with what goes on and we do not bring others into the mix.