Loving in Grief
My wife and I are grieving this week. Hard.
We got a dog back in 2007. We got another dog in 2010. Both times they were strays with no collar, and we couldn’t find any owners. And we fell in love and kept them.
When we got the dog in 2010, he and our first dog quickly became best friends and played and chased each other and wrestled with each other. They kept each other company while we went to work. They both also found a special place in our hearts as we become doggy parents of two dogs. And we are the type who treat our dogs like our children (Especially when they WERE our children before we had a baby). So to us, they were never “just” dogs. They were our babies.
But when we got him back in 2010, we learned that he had a severe case of heartworms. So we got that treated, and he hadn’t had an issue since. We’ve kept up with annual shots, and they were both healthy. He had a slight heart murmur, but the vet said it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Earlier this year (around March) he developed a hacking cough. At first we didn’t know what to make of it and when it didn’t go away, we took him in to the vet. They did an x-ray and it showed that his heart had become enlarged to twice its original size. And they said he had a damaged heart valve and fluid was backing up in his heart. In short, he was on the verge of congestive heart failure.
But they gave us medicine that was supposed to keep the fluid from backing up anymore. So we bought the medicine each month and gave it to him every day. We didn’t see any improvement, but he didn’t get worse either. He still had a cough, but otherwise was fine. And at checkups the vet seemed to think the medicine was working.
Then last Tuesday (October 6th) my wife came home from work and found him dead in his crate. We thought he was fine. Monday night he acted completely normal. Tuesday morning, he didn’t eat, but we didn’t think that was too unusual. He had done that before so we didn’t think much about it.
This loss has hit us extremely hard. Partly because of the loss itself, but also because it was unexpected. We had no idea this was coming. And we have been grieving hard this week. Harder than we ever have.
And he was our “hyper” dog. He was never still. He was always running around or barking, and now it is quiet at home. And the quiet hurts. We’ve been going on auto pilot all week. And our hearts are broken.
As a result, we haven’t felt like having sex this week. However, we have held each other a lot and cried together a lot. We’ve cried harder than we probably ever have in our life. There have been a few times when we got completely naked and laid on the bed and held each other close. And for us there was a sense of comfort in this. Feeling each other’s nude body pressed up against each other as we held each other during this time has brought relief. Not complete relief, but some healing has started to take place.
So much so that by Saturday we felt like we were ready to have sex again, and we did. It ended up being routine sex for us, no bells and whistles, but it still felt nice to be doing that again.
And this has led me to think that sex isn’t always about orgasm and hot, fun times or even intercourse sometimes. But sometimes our sexuality is as simple as holding each other as we grieve. And especially when we are naked and holding each other. There’s something about full body, skin to skin contact with the one you love that brings a sense of comfort. Even though there was no orgasm or overt sexual play, it was still nice to be able to experience each other’s body in this way. So it’s been an interesting lesson in our sexuality.
It makes me think of when Rebekah comforted Isaac with her love after Isaac’s mother’s death (see Gen 24:67). There is something about coming together with your spouse that brings comfort. Being nude together and holding each other and just loving each other is a way to say, “It’s okay. I’m still here. I still love you. We will get through this together.” But it says it without words. It’s almost as if it’s a way to communicate with each other spirit to spirit. It’s deeper than words. And sometimes that’s what you need because no words are sufficient to ease the pain.
We are still taking it one day at a time. Still trying to get used to the quiet and the new “normal.” Already several things have happened that have reminded us that he is gone. We are so used to saying, “the dogs” that we catch ourselves saying that still. It’s hard watching our one dog now. We can tell she is missing him. And our one-year-old has looked for him a couple of times too. And that breaks our hearts even more.
So please keep us in your prayers as we go through this time. I wanted to let you guys know because the Marriage Heat community is part of our family. Sorry, I didn’t let you know before now but this is the first time I’ve been able to sit down and write this out. And if you have pets, give them some extra love tonight because you never know when it will be your last chance.
Blessings to you all.
I first want to offer my deepest condolences for your lost, I understand how pets become family and it’s never easy losing them. I’m glad that your wife and yourself found a way to connect sexually and also emotionally.
I am so sorry for your family’s loss. How sad, and how sudden.
Grief does change our love making. We found that out this year when we lost a close family member. There were things that changed about our bedroom life that week that have never been the same since. And I don’t know how much of that is a result of the grief and how much of it is a result of some other thought processes that happened to be going on in my head around the same time. But, nonetheless, that week marked some sort of turning point for us. And it isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing. Just a different thing.
There is something so powerful and raw about sexuality in grief. At least for me, the night of that death every pretense ever game every mask was stripped away.
You know that verse, it’s actually about prayer/worship, but I find I think of it often when thinking about sex lately…that verse that says that we are to worship God in Spirit and in Truth. I’ve come to think of sex in a very similar way…a way in which as a couple we can be completely open, completely honest and raw with one another….a way in which we come together in Spirit and in Truth. That first night of processing my grief was that for me. Unlike you, we did actually have sex that night. But it was a different kind of sex. It was sex that was deep and good in a way that I really don’t have words to express. In some ways it made me think of Worship more than it made me think of sex. I had that same sort of emotional vulnerability that I associate with a powerful worship service during a hard season of life. It was powerful like that, and exactly the thing I needed most that night.
Anyway, as always, I can’t ever seem to keep myself to a short answer. Haha! But I think this is an interesting conversation to have. I’d like to hear from others who have been through grief this way as well. It isn’t often you hear sex being talked about in the context of grief. But it makes so much sense. The vulnerability of nakedness and the vulnerability of our souls during those seasons. The combination puts us in a position that is so different from anything we normally experience as modern humans.
My prayers go out to you and your wife.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I never had pets, but my husband and I did lose a daughter. We did not have sex for a while because we were mourning, we got custody of our granddaughter and the three of us took a while to settle into our new way of life, so it seemed that month went quickly with us getting used to this. We were all over the place. We finally did make love a month after our daughter passed.
I guess I can relate in a way because pets because like family members, don’t they? Again, I’m so sorry and I’ll pray for you. May God bless you.
Thank you for letting us know, HH. How hard. Our prayers are with you, dear brother. And I loved tour insight about the comfort that only a spouse can give. Very true. You and your family are in my prayers!
HH, I really want to say I am truly sorry for your loss. I, too am a very big dog person, well, all animals really. I always have been. I feel they are so innocent and they love us unconditionally. And my husband feels the same way. It is something that both of us have in common in a big way. I have lost pets before, but they were cats that were all strays and we didn’t have them for very long. Something was.wrong worth two if them and over ran off. One was a kitten that I picked up on a busy highway with a broken leg. The vet thought he would be just fine, but a couple weeks later he passed. Anyways, I do have 3 dogs right now. We have 2 chocolate lands that were also our babies before we actually had children. Duke is almost 11 and Lyla is 9′ My aunt passed several years ago and we took in her shi-tzu who is also about 8 or 9. Our girls are 2 and 4. So we had plenty of you’ve with our dogs being our only children. And that is exactly what they are, members of our family. They get birthdays and Christmas stockings. I know that my dogs are getting on up there in age and I absolutely dread lossing them. I know it is going to hurt and my kids will probably grieve too. My dogs still sleep in the bedroom with us every night, and now that it is :/ a house with stairs, my older dog Duke has trouble getting up and down them on certain said because of his hips. But anyways, I know that I will have my husband there with me to help get through it when it does happen. Again, I am so sorry for you and I will pay that you and your family well get through this so that you may remember all the joy that your dog brought into your lives. Thanks for posting.