Solo Masturbation In Marriage

Solo Masturbation In Marriage

Note: MH Felt this comment to another story needed its own article. So we published this comment as its own

blog. Click here to read that story “Marriage, Masturbation, and Purity Question”  This article on solo masturbation in marriage outlines what one Christian couple does to ensure that their marriage stays the main thing even when solo masturbation in marriage is practiced.

 From Amanda

We (caveman and I) believe that solo masturbation can be a loving extension of our marriage bed and we have an open-masturbation policy. One of the most challenging aspects of our marriage has been how to overcome different libidos. Caveman’s level is just higher than mine usually, but we have periods where it is the opposite (especially during pregnancy).

Over the years we have made mutual masturbation a part of our sexual experiences together. After much prayer, exploring different solutions, we have mutually agreed on an “open door” policy on masturbation. In this, we are each free to masturbate as needed. We know each other well enough to see the signs that the other isn’t going to be available for a love-making session together. Of course, that would always be our first choice, but the realities of life and the different libidos don’t always make that possible. In these situations, we masturbate.

We have also agreed to share this fact with the other. We do this in a way that does not make the unavailable partner feel guilty for not being available. We also think it is important that this is not done in secret either so we feel that it should be known to both. We communicate this without words. We have a decorative vase in our bedroom with wax flowers in it, two varieties. When I masturbate, I will remove a flower and place it next to the vase. When Caveman does so, he will do the same with a different flower variety.

This simple communication ensures we are being open about our activities. For us, this reduces the guilt about masturbating and the guilt of the low libido spouse for not being available at that time. By not having words about it at the time, the potential for miscommunication is reduced (sometimes the high-drive spouse can put too much pressure on the other–especially when the desire is strong). Since I am usually the one with low drive, I also have a special pillow I will place on the bed in a certain way to let Caveman know I am planning something for later. In this way, he will see it and refrain. This increases our level of anticipation. In our experience, solo masturbation happens maybe 4 times a month, mutual activity maybe 10 times.

Of course, each marriage is different but this is just our experience. I share that only as a point of reference. The point is, for us, we have found that balancing our different libidos is a movement that is a part of our marriage dance. A word of caution, this solution is not for everyone. First take it up with God in prayer (Our prayer together continues to be that God will bring us to a point of equal sexual drives). Talk about it together and come to mutual agreement. Also, if someone has struggled with pornography then I think this solution might be harmful. It must be a mutually agreed on solution in line with 1 Corinthians 7. Also, you must be pure in your mind as you masturbate, focused on your spouse. 1 Corinthians 6 comes into play here as well as other Scriptural guidance. If that is not possible then I think solo masturbation would be harmful.

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6 replies
  1. Lovinghusband says:

    Amanda, I loved this! I am so glad MH made it its own article. This is what I call “very helpful”. I love the system you two have to communicate. My wife and I have towels that we put out. They tell the other one that we are going to need them to lay out on the bed – so that it does not get too messy later! They function in much the same way. They communicate that there is no need to masturbate (unless we decide to do it in bed together later). We, too have a total open door to masturbate as we see fit. We have that trust with one another. In fact, we celebrate and rejoice whenever the other has an orgasm. We will ask each other, “Was it good?” “What was I doing to you as you fantasized”? In fact, it spurs us on to get it on again! Sometimes we think it might not be a night for sex, and that we are spent – but, God has other plans for us. So, many times the towels aren’t out – but we must fetch them anyway! Again, I think your guys system of communication is awesome! God bless you both!!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for your reply. As a funny aside, one time our younger girls saw one of the flowers out so they pulled all of the remaining similar flowers out as well. They were Caveman’s variety. When I saw so many out, I asked Caveman how he found the time and drive to masturbate so many times in a single afternoon. Of course, after a few minutes discussion we determined that our girls had moved the flowers. We had a good laugh.

  3. Michael Walken says:

    My lovely wife, Lisa, and I DO communicate and sometimes she just wants to put her head on my chest, ( I’m on my back) hold my erection…she loves to watch and feel me get harder in her hands and strokes me till I cum.

  4. Amanda says:

    Michael, We will sometimes do what you are describing also, either one or of the other of us together (with the other touching the other, being there) or we do this together (watching and sharing the experiences together). These times are also great fun. In out terminology, we would describe those as mutual self-pleasuring. Perhaps some would call that mutual masturbation. What I was trying to describe above is what we do if the other is not available and together at the time. For us, solo is a different category, but mutually acceptable for us. Caveman and I agree that what I described above is an option for our marriage bed, but certainly the less preferred option. When the option I described above is used, we have found that our non-verbal communication form reduces any opportunity for feelings of guilt or pressure to meet the other’s higher drive.

  5. Just some guy says:

    I appreciate your effort to share ideas which may help others. Please keep my wife and I in your prayers. She is not able to have sex any longer, and is not open to any intimacy as a result of that limitation… so I am left without any outlet but solo masturbation. And I will admit that I use porn, but not like most would think. I use it to imagine it is my wife and I, not myself and the woman on the screen. I only want my wife. But I have learned that if I do not control my drive this way, I begin to subconsciously see other women and respond to their interests in me… so this is as much a protective measure as anything else. In fact, that is how I found this site and your post. Marriage specific sex stories are honorable in God’s eyes I think as opposed to generic porn which is fornication or adultery which is outright sin. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, I feel trapped with no options, so please keep us in your prayers.

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