Solo Masturbation In Marriage
Note: MH Felt this comment to another story needed its own article. So we published this comment as its own
blog. Click here to read that story “Marriage, Masturbation, and Purity Question” This article on solo masturbation in marriage outlines what one Christian couple does to ensure that their marriage stays the main thing even when solo masturbation in marriage is practiced.
We (caveman and I) believe that solo masturbation can be a loving extension of our marriage bed and we have an open-masturbation policy. One of the most challenging aspects of our marriage has been how to overcome different libidos. Caveman’s level is just higher than mine usually, but we have periods where it is the opposite (especially during pregnancy).
Over the years we have made mutual masturbation a part of our sexual experiences together. After much prayer, exploring different solutions, we have mutually agreed on an “open door” policy on masturbation. In this, we are each free to masturbate as needed. We know each other well enough to see the signs that the other isn’t going to be available for a love-making session together. Of course, that would always be our first choice, but the realities of life and the different libidos don’t always make that possible. In these situations, we masturbate.
We have also agreed to share this fact with the other. We do this in a way that does not make the unavailable partner feel guilty for not being available. We also think it is important that this is not done in secret either so we feel that it should be known to both. We communicate this without words. We have a decorative vase in our bedroom with wax flowers in it, two varieties. When I masturbate, I will remove a flower and place it next to the vase. When Caveman does so, he will do the same with a different flower variety.
This simple communication ensures we are being open about our activities. For us, this reduces the guilt about masturbating and the guilt of the low libido spouse for not being available at that time. By not having words about it at the time, the potential for miscommunication is reduced (sometimes the high-drive spouse can put too much pressure on the other–especially when the desire is strong). Since I am usually the one with low drive, I also have a special pillow I will place on the bed in a certain way to let Caveman know I am planning something for later. In this way, he will see it and refrain. This increases our level of anticipation. In our experience, solo masturbation happens maybe 4 times a month, mutual activity maybe 10 times.
Of course, each marriage is different but this is just our experience. I share that only as a point of reference. The point is, for us, we have found that balancing our different libidos is a movement that is a part of our marriage dance. A word of caution, this solution is not for everyone. First take it up with God in prayer (Our prayer together continues to be that God will bring us to a point of equal sexual drives). Talk about it together and come to mutual agreement. Also, if someone has struggled with pornography then I think this solution might be harmful. It must be a mutually agreed on solution in line with 1 Corinthians 7. Also, you must be pure in your mind as you masturbate, focused on your spouse. 1 Corinthians 6 comes into play here as well as other Scriptural guidance. If that is not possible then I think solo masturbation would be harmful.
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